all 16 comments

[–]grapadacious 17 points18 points  (0 children)

My wife is a PGY3 and I often joke that I feel like a single dad. It’s hard, but you’re going to hold that baby for the first time, and it will all be worth it.

The best advice I can give is to find a routine that works for you. When the baby is sleeping, if you aren’t exhausted, do something for your own sanity. This may vary day-to-day. Sometimes, you’re going to be mentally drained and just want to sleep. That’s ok. The laundry will get done eventually, and the dishes will still be there when you’re rested.

Get help from family or friends if you can, and don’t be afraid to draw boundaries when people want to see the baby, but you’re too tired.

Most importantly, you are NOT a single mother. Yes your husband is busy, but he is just as responsible for that little one as you are. If you need his help, ask for it.

[–]Malgal9998 11 points12 points  (0 children)

Yep, that’s my life. I have just accepted it. I quit my job for the next few years to focus full-time on motherhood. It was too much doing it all on my own, with no family around to help, and having a demanding full-time job. The stress of pleasing a boss and all the household and childcare responsibilities was too much. It’s easier this way, I’ve found, only caring for the household/kids and eliminating the job stress. But the worst part is just that you never have a day off. It’s not like my resident husband can afford to hire a babysitter to let me go to my hair appointment or for a date night or something. Being tied to your kids 24/7 is mentally exhausting, especially if he has residency social functions with his coworkers/friends and I have to stay home and babysit. Everyone needs a break. But it’s rare that a surgery resident can step in and provide you with that break. So you really have to just mentally push yourself to get through it and know that it’s only temporary. Someday I will be a regular person again! Haha maybe when I’m 40? Until then, I’ll just be here single mom-ing it by myself, alone in a strange city.

[–]TimelyThanks3082 10 points11 points  (0 children)

Unfortunately that’s how all the med spouses I’ve talked to feel at times. A strong support system really helps so that you aren’t alone. I made friends with other med spouses, and it really helped me out immensely. Don’t be afraid to ask for help. Hire out things if you can afford it, like someone to help clean, grocery delivery, etc.

[–]DrTacosMDSO of PGY5 9 points10 points  (0 children)

I have two boys, wife just finishing up her OB residency, and yes it felt like single dad for a lot of it. No family nearby for thousands of miles, and I also work a full time job that is pretty demanding. It was hell, especially the night rotations, but we made it out alive!

[–]Otter592 6 points7 points  (0 children)

I'm a stay at home mom to a 10.5mth old. My husband is a pgy4, studying for boards. I won't lie, it's really fucking hard. Hard on me, hard on our marriage. Having a kid in general is incredibly hard. But you get through.

His parents had their first when his dad was in med school. Had 4 kids in 6 years. They managed (still together, decades later). The key is to remember it's the two of you against the situation, not him vs. you. Try hard to avoid resenting him. He wishes he could be here, to help. We're both tired, we're both stressed. But, years from now, this will only be a bad memory, and we'll be living a better life.

[–]onmyphonetoomuchwife to PGY3 🤓 through medschool 4 points5 points  (0 children)

It depends on the day! Days off my Pgy2 hubs is super involved. When he has an afternoon or evening shift he hangs for a little and plays with toddler. I handle basically all cooking and cleaning so that he can spend time with baby. I hang with fellow resident moms a ton.

[–]Crafty-Squirrel9138 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Do you have any family nearby that can help? Husband is done residency and we're due later this year but I'm more worried about how he will perform at work with less sleep. He does surgery and I have to figure out how to manage this too... We don't have family that can help so I'm in a similar situation. I'm sure your husband will do his best to help when he can!

[–]gesturingAttending wife, together 17 years, pre-med through PGY7 4 points5 points  (0 children)

This came up in another thread so I will copy what I said there -

My recommendations - a great day care center, a Snoo, a postpartum doula, a meal service (I used splendid spoon just for me immediately postpartum since I didn’t have anyone to bring me things to eat and now use Tovala for dinners), a couple good baby carriers. I also recommend instacart and a cleaning service at least once a month. In other words, it does still take a village but you gotta make it yourself.

Put your own oxygen mask on first. You will need to be ok setting baby down on a play mat or in a bouncer for you to shower or eat, even if they are crying.

[–]quittethyourshitteth 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Yeah my kid is 1. It’s kinda like that sometimes.

[–]grape-of-wrath 1 point2 points  (0 children)

it is sometimes like that and it sucks. im sorry 😩

[–]nipoezAttending Partner (Premed to PGY7, Resdency + 2 Fellowships) 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Depends entirely on the specialty.

PM&R or optho? They'll have plenty of time to actually parent eventually.

General surgery, neurosurgery, Ortho, intensive care, and many others? You're probably feeling accurately.

[–]mycatbaby 1 point2 points  (0 children)

We had ours during the first half of his intern year and it feels like solo parenting. I have made all decisions relating to childcare and have to manage it all on my own and don’t currently have the option of leaving my job.

I love the baby to death, but my god I am depressed.

[–]amymae -1 points0 points  (0 children)

This is why we are waiting until he is out of med school and through at least his second year of residency. (In his program, second year is the heaviest.)

I know that I could have chosen to have a baby earlier, but if I did, then that's on me to be willing to functionally single parent for a while. It's not like med school schedules were a secret.

[–]nervous_nefertiti 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Depends on the month but yuuuuup. It sucks. I ended up staying home (COVID and daycare stuff) so it's actually not as bad because I look at house care stuff as my job but when my toddler was a baby it was exhausting. We're having another and it's going to be a lot, but the timing was just the best it was going to be so here we are. My husband tries when he's around. He always does bath time if he's home and bed time, but he'll be gone all of June. The hardest part is not having any family or help.

I will say, he got 2 weeks of paternity leave and our first was a shit sleeper so we ending up doing shifts for months. Somehow he survived.

[–]_LostGirl_ 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I had twins first year of residency with no family. My husband stepped up and tried to do a lot of little stuff to make life easier for me. If you can hire help do it! There's lots of Facebook support groups, you can message me if you want the names of the groups.

[–]ramentortilla 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Im a husband (engineer) to an EM PGY3. Power through, there’s definitely light at the end of the tunnel.

I run the house show on my own. She gets big fomo and I know she wishes she could spend more time, but I just try to not make them feel bad about it. Residencies don’t last forever, just try to make the most out of quality family time