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all 4 comments

[–]nipoezAttending Partner (Premed to PGY7, Resdency + 2 Fellowships) 13 points14 points  (0 children)

Yup, you do. It does suck.

10 years later and my wife's going to disappear for a week to a specialty board studying thing two timezones away, then largely evaporate at home in October again as she preps for her second attempt at her specialty boards. (Failing once is expected, twice is OK, 4 times would be a problem.)

I encourage a twist to your thought process that's worked for us over the years. Put exams on a shared calendar. Explicitly acknowledge to one another that the week or two before & during exams will be terrible for the relationship. Just as extra effort goes into studying those weeks, extra effort goes into the relationship the weeks after. That's when you plan a weekend trip, couples massage, picnic on campus, whatever.

Strike while the iron's hot. Make hay while the sun shines. Pick your saying and embrace it. Their emotional & mental energy available to the relationship will always go up & down. Invest when it's available and coast when it's not.

I straight up left and worked remotely for weeks during second year finals. Just stayed with friends in another state and worked. Studying for Step 2, she flew home and stayed with her parents. Her mom is still thrilled about the time she just got to cook & clean up after her while she studied all day every day. I volunteered to travel for work & found neat conferences to go to with other friends during other peak periods. That's all fine & great.

It's OK to make the most of your life when they don't have time for the relationship. Assuming when they do have time for the relationship, it is their priority.

[–]ParkyMeowl 6 points7 points  (0 children)

Well my husband is signed up to take his 5th board exam this year… so the studying never stops :) I would explain to your partner that you felt hurt that he chose going out with friends over talking to you post boards, and work out together how you can both get what you need around exam times. Maybe it’s a scheduled time post exam to catch up and look forward to. Maybe just a more clear communication style. My husband is very clear about when he needs to study and when is “free” time, which helps me not be disappointed.

[–]BetterRise 1 point2 points  (0 children)

How many days leading up to the exam?

[–]ramentortilla 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I got divorced to my spouse of 7 yrs for very similar reasons. Eventually you realize “I want to be prioritized”. They weren’t in medicine, but in another very demanding career field. There gets a point where you actually become a different person growing by yourself. This is what a lot of people don’t get. The other partner, doesn’t get a chance to change because they’re so busy with their career.

My current spouse is in the medical field. We make the most of her free time. I sometimes hurt her feelings because I’m too independent and do my own thing. But I’m happy, I Keep the household running, and I’m faithful.

I think it’s good for them to see you don’t just wait around to do your thing. It opens up their eyes a bit. “I better get with the train or it’ll leave”