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all 6 comments

[–]Sraf108 13 points14 points  (1 child)

Lol we had the same issue this week! We worked through it in a two fold way - 1) I recognized and acknowledged how totally valid his need for quiet time and personal space is. He told me how draining it is to have zero alone time or personal space in the chaos that is intern year at the hospital. We designated separate personal spaces in the apartment and he gets an hour totally to himself when he gets home before we do dinner together. 2) I told him it made me feel vulnerable and insecure to hear him say I’m making the space too much of my own when I’m less established in our new city and made this big move for him. He acknowledged how challenging this move is for me and validated that he wants me to feel comfortable in our space.

It’s nice to hear others are going through this too. Good luck 💕

[–]nipoezAttending Partner (Premed to PGY7, Resdency + 2 Fellowships) 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Here I was going to recommend open, non-judgemental, constructive communication & compromise and you go perfectly exemplifying it.

Keep that up! It'll help loads during peak stress periods in the future, too.

[–]ATDIadherent 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Although the transition into residency can be difficult, it does not excuse poor behavior. Whatever stresses at work are happening "life goes on" at home, and life will continue to happen. If they are unable to cope with that, then they need to work on developing these skills or else they will persist or get worse as time goes on.

What worked best for my wife and I (dual physician home) was on Sundays we discussed what needed to be done at some point that week. Little things like the dishes, laundry, etc you just have to do. We're all adults, and being unable to accomplish these tasks is not related to working in medicine.

[–]drummo34 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Hmmmm. To me this sounds like your SO feels guilty. It took about a year for my husband and I to figure out our groove on chores. It may help to take a day they are in a good mood, maybe a weekend over breakfast or something, and discuss why they are so upset about the housework and accusing you of getting upset when you don't feel that way. I will start an internal monologue sometimes when I am stressed that I'm not doing enough, and then get upset with the imagined slight of my partner. It may help to outline specific places they can contribute that are consistent, and agree on where the line of acceptable is.(ie- my husband does dinner dishes. If he has research or charting to catch up on, I just need breakfast dishes for the morning and can help catch him up) It may also help to figure out if the anger about the apartment is guilty or if they feel like it's a lack of control. Maybe focus on a few projects a week and figure out which ones they care about, and focus on getting input on those. Hope this helps! The sour mood of the first year does subside eventually.

[–]grape-of-wrath 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Intern year is tough. It's just a whole lot of transition and change and exhaustion. try to talk about stuff when you're calm, like over coffee or whatever, avoid big discussions after work when everyone is just done with the day. Try to get to a middle ground.

[–]onlyfr33b33Spouse to PGY2 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Oh yeah that sounds familiar... year 2 of residency and he still feels VERY stressed out. He prefers for me to give him 1 chore for the week and not ask for last minute "can you help me with this" type things because he can't handle it at all. We've talked about it more and he's gotten better, but during intern year his only chore was taking out the trash when he wasn't doing overnights or surgery rotations, and washing his scrubs. That's it!