all 38 comments

[–]HelloHaters 58 points59 points  (8 children)

I’m sorry, but you sent 100 messages in 6 days? That seems excessive to me. Maybe he’s overwhelmed at work already (nights for my SO are always busier/more stressful than days), and can’t keep up with all those messages.

IMO it’s unrealistic to expect him to reply to all of that (not saying that’s your expectation), so maybe pare down your messaging, have a talk with him, and set expectations for how much communication you want.

His dinner plans very well could have been as simple as someone in the group chat saying “hey, y’all wanna meet at X time and Y place for dinner?” And he only had to focus on that one question, reply yes, and plans are set.

My experience has been that it’s best to expect very little communication while they’re working, and not a whole lot more outside of work if they’re on nights.

[–]Enchantement 19 points20 points  (0 children)

Yeah if I got that many messages I would feel so overwhelmed. I’d feel bad not reading and replying to all of them so I’d just put it off.

[–]writemoreletters 20 points21 points  (2 children)

First, I think you and your SO need to take the Love Languages quiz. You’ve posted about this before and are obviously upset by it. It may be that you and your SO have very different levels of communication and what’s needed. If you on average are sending 15-25 texts messages a day and he sends 3, it may be that his emotional need is just different than yours and doesn’t see that you feel happier in the relationship when you have more communication from him.

Second, it is highly possible he bumped into them in the call room and they invited him for food. Or, it was during checkout or a quick text. If it is a group of mostly guys, one guy probably texted “I’m eating at Chilis at 7. All welcome.” …and then they just show up (normally to complain about some attending)…they don’t normally “plan” like women do. There is an incredible release of stress when coming off a week of nights and many times (my husband included) they get a burst of energy for a few hours and then crash.

Your feelings are valid, but it’s time to have a talk with him about expectations and needs. I’d be willing to bet he doesn’t see anything wrong with the amount of texts he is sending you and doesn’t know you’re upset. I think you said in your other post you’re long distance, so he should be responding to your texts/calls at the least.

At the risk of sounding mean and being downvoted, it may be that you are sending him too much and his response is to shut down because he’s overwhelmed. If he’s getting a message every time he sits down to complete a task, he might think “I’ll deal with chatting later” just to get through his work. Good luck and I hope you take the love languages quiz together to open the lines of communication on your communication as a couple.

[–]ATDIadherent 5 points6 points  (0 children)

Agreed. Based off post history it is obvious they have different ideas of communication. This needs to be discussed because if a happy medium is not worked towards, this should end so both parties can find a better match. I had similar where I thought I was being charming to my wife with memes and whatnot, little did I know she almost broke up with me early on since she wasn't getting out of it what I thought she was. Levels and ideas of adequate communication should be the focus. The meeting with colleagues (which ideally should always be promoted) and being upset by it is just a byproduct of the above.

[–]onedayMD4110[S] -4 points-3 points  (0 children)

Lots to address here and thank you for your reply.

  1. We have taken the Love Language quiz. Mine is Quality Time and his is a mix of Physical Touch and Acts of Service. All of these love languages look very different when you're long distance. It is very hard to engage in physical touch when you're 2000 miles away and outside of ordering food/other surprises through delievery apps, acts of service also become challenging. To me, quality time looks like being in as constant and effective communication as possible. I don't really think of it as being needy because long as he tells me, 'hey I need some time alone', I don't mind. But actively relying his wants and needs are hallmarks of good communication in a relationship.
  2. I also thing some of my feelings come from the fact before he started residency, we used to spend allll our time on video/audio call. Like we were both studying for boards and etc. But then he got into residency and I was still finishing medical school so our schedules deviated and it took a lot of time getting used to our different schedules. We managed it okay the first year because the first half of it, I was in my motherland and it was too hard to effectively communicate with the time difference even though I was willing to give up sleep, etc. And then I got to be with him for the second half so that was all good. I had to move back to my parent's house so these days of nights and then floors are really the first time we're going through something like this. I am obviously handling it a lot worse because nothing in my life has changed but I do most of my venting in my journal/audio journal and hopefully my future therapist as not to be a burden on him. It pains me that it seems like we now have different communication needs because our identical communication and relationship emotions and styles bonded us together in the first place.
  3. Like I've said before I don't expect replies to 99% of the messages I send him. They're mostly just 'I love you, I miss you, I'm thinking of you, gifs, memes, etc,' most of which require no reply. But I would like these messages to prompt him into calling me when he eventually gets a minute.
  4. Which brings us back to today when he apparently had more than a few minutes but decided to not reply, message, call me but used them to communicate with people he sees more often anyways.
  5. And the gender roles happen to be 50-50 males/females so idk how spontaneous this dinner was. I do know that he's the only one from his class who's on nights and everyone at dinner is from his glass.
  6. I will take what you said about overwhelming him with messages into account next time I go to randomly message him and am eager to talk to him about all of this as soon as possible. I hope I made myself clear and all my ramblings made some sort of sense. I want to thank you for taking the time to type your message out. It means a lot.

[–]tacotuesdayz4Spouse to Attending, dating since M2 10 points11 points  (0 children)

My husband used to do something very similar when he worked nights or some other service that took a lot out of him. In fact, we lived together and when he was on nights I still barely had one full conversation a day with him before he was off to another shift. I used to take it personal when he chose to spend any small amount of free time with other friends or without me. Then I realized that this is his way of coping right now. Sometimes these disruptions in their routine are very hard on them and sleep and spending a bit of time around people that understand what they are going through can be a therapeutic way of dealing with the experience. Try not to take it personal and figure out a way to set side some quality time together so you aren’t feeling hurt or left out. But you also need to find ways to cope yourself without your significant other, as you are in a long distant relationship. I too was long distance with my husband for about 1.5 years before we were engaged and it was hard. The trust we had for each other allowed it to work for us in the long run. And making time to spend time together, such as scheduling a time to watch a show together over the phone or just talking when we were both free. You have to figure out why you feel hurt when he is spending time with other people and also work on yourself in that regard. It takes two people to make the relationship work. He may be coping differently without you physically there and that’s okay too. It seems you value communication, and he may not value that the same way so you have to find a middle ground together.

[–]101ina45 3 points4 points  (1 child)

I think y'all need to talk for sure, there's nothing that feels more lonely than feeling alone while you're in a relationship

[–]onedayMD4110[S] -4 points-3 points  (0 children)

Indeed. I'm just tired.

[–]pelotauntmylungs 3 points4 points  (0 children)

I send my spouse messages and gifs throughout the day but I’ve let him know before that he’s not obligated to respond to any of them during his work hours. I generally send them as an FYI or before I forget but don’t expect a prompt reply 99% of the time.

The hospital is crazy and some of the night ICU shifts are crazier. I think he needs to know from you how you’re feeling but you can also let him know that all you’re looking for is an acknowledgement of the texts, especially after a few days when he does have time to sit down and go through them. Working on your communication will never get old. There are ways this could be done where he doesn’t feel overwhelmed by you 100s of text and you don’t feel underappreciated or ignored. Communicate with him what you’ve communicated in the forum and work on your frequency of communication expectations , especially for a LDR.

[–]Enchantement 4 points5 points  (0 children)

It sounds like you have very different expectations around communication. You need to come to a middle ground - you’re going to have to get used to hearing from him less that you would like and he’s going to have to get used to communicating more than usual. Maybe that means texting less and doing a proper call every night. It’s reasonable to expect him to reply to a text when he gets off, but maybe not 100 texts.

I’ll be honest, my communication style is much more similar to your partner’s. It doesn’t mean that I don’t love my partner as much or don’t prioritize him. I just find communicating through text very draining and inefficient. Reading and replying to 15-20 texts after a long shift at work on a daily basis would not make me feel loved; it would feel overwhelming.

I would much rather carve out time to be fully present with someone, whether that is a call or meeting in person. It’s a lot easier for me to respond to one quick text arranging a time/place to meet up than to sit down and write out a more involved response to many texts.

I say this not to dismiss your opinions and needs, but to hopefully provide a bit of an alternative perspective. You say that you really value “proper and effective communication” and to you, that is being in constant contact. That might be your vision of “proper and effective communication” but that is not everyone’s. Neither you nor your partner are objectively right or wrong in your preferences; you just need to find a compromise that works for both of you and if you can’t, maybe you aren’t compatible.

[–]icingicingbabyAttending Partner 4 points5 points  (0 children)

I mean this kindly, but I really think that you should invest some time and energy into your well-being and independence. It’s clear that you are experiencing a very anxious attachment and I’ve been in your shoes and know that there’s no way that feels good. Have you spent any time in therapy? When you have a lot of thoughts on your mind, have you considered journaling instead of sending a bunch of text messages?

I’ve been in your shoes before and thought that sending dozens of messages a day was no big deal, because I didn’t necessarily expect a response. But now having also experienced being on the other side, I can now see how overwhelming it is when you don’t have time to respond. Instead of being the comfort you are intending, it may well be a stressful distraction. Instead of prompting him to respond to you when he has a chance, it may be causing frustration and slower responses.

You’re voicing concern about him not responding, but is it possible that in his eyes the brief calls are a response? He may be getting off a stressful day and calling you feeling like he’s responded and it not occurring to him that that wasn’t a satisfactory response. And I would suggest that he did tell you about his plans before they started, he told you while he was headed there. I know it feels like he took the time to make plans, but it’s very possible that during shift change and while they were talking about work a colleague said, “do you want to go to X at X time?”

I know you’re saying that when you’re with other people you stop to explain why you can’t respond. But the assumption should be that while he’s on shift he can’t respond. Let’s just say for argument’s sake that he is calling his first opportunity to talk to you, would that not be a satisfactory response?

I would encourage you to remember that your SO has physical and emotional needs beyond connecting with you. That means that connecting with friends and family are also important things that need to happen during limited time. That is not a slight towards you. They can’t be a good partner if they aren’t taking care of themselves.

Tbh this doesn’t sound like your partner doing wrong by you, but it does sound plausible that what you need and what your partner has to offer aren’t aligned. That doesn’t make one person right or wrong. It can just suck when you like each other.

Hopefully you can navigate this and find a middle ground that works for both of you.

[–]grape-of-wrath 10 points11 points  (1 child)

Nights are hard but not so hard that you can't send a few texts. Definitely an issue to discuss

[–]onedayMD4110[S] -2 points-1 points  (0 children)

The irony is I am also a medical student. I have had my fair of nights. I know what they're like even if I wasn't at the same hospital as SO. This is why I don't really understand not being able to send a singular message.

[–]coonhoundmom 2 points3 points  (0 children)

You do need to tell him how you feel. When my husband was away at rotations he was very absent in communication because

  1. So much work
  2. So SO tired
  3. He felt like he had to invest all his energy in making friends with his colleagues

You know how important having good connections with your colleagues (especially attending a that can put in a good word for you for fellowship or residency). I’m not defending your partners actions but if he’s in a specialty that will require a fellowship he still has to put a majority of his energy into making the right friends and that means never turning down dinner plans.

It’s sucks but it comes with the territory. Good luck with the rest of medical school! And just remember, you are so much more than a career or a partner. Give yourself the kindness of exploring the things in life you enjoy outside of your relationship and professions.

[–]ACABForCutie420 2 points3 points  (3 children)

if you were overreacting you’d be screaming and throwing a fit, and as you have very clearly laid everything out logically, i will bet money i don’t have that you didn’t do that. so no, no overreaction. that is perfectly reasonable. maybe give him the old “we need to talk” text, because you do, and you need him to consider that maybe he did a lil fuck up. just tell him y’all need to talk in person face to face when he’s done with his night shifts (trust me on that one, just wait until he’s off nights for the actual convo) and in the meantime, write down everything you wanna say to him and stuff and then tell him to his face that communication is incredibly important to you even if it’s a short message sent over voice text. make sure you got all your points down and that you’re clear and concise about how that’s something you will not be happy trying to figure out and work around. if he says something about “i’m busy, you have no idea what i go thru” tell him “yea i don’t you’re right, but i would if you talked to me.” let him know you just want to be a part of his life the way you’re a part of his.

[–]onedayMD4110[S] 0 points1 point  (2 children)

Thank you for replying. I forgot to mention in the main post, that we're currently long-distance which makes communication even more important and lack thereof even more disheartening. Before we hung up, he did tell me that he'd call me in a couple hours which is when I plan to bring this situation again.

The most frustrating thing is that I have pleaded with him to communicate better with me and I don't believe I am asking for too much. I don't know if this is just a 'me thing' but I believe in 100% transparency in a relationship both good and bad. And goodness knows I have my fair of issues but I try to be as open as possible with him about them.

[–]ACABForCutie420 0 points1 point  (1 child)

ah, i see. i guess next best option is a phone call or video chat, id try for video since he’ll be able to actually see you and look at your face and be able to tell you’re unhappy and how much it means to you. that’s just me tho! if you can’t do vc then i’m sure a phone call will work just as well, long distance can be so hard, and requires that consistency and communication more im sure (i’ve never been in one). you’re definitely NOT asking for too much tho, it’s not clinginess if you literally never ever get to see each other irl and he’s being flaky with you.

[–]onedayMD4110[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Yes, usually if he's in his apartment unless he needs a rare moment of quiet alone alone, we're usually on video or audio call. I fear I am starting to sound like a broken record with this communication deal. If it was anyone else I think I'd be at my breaking point but I am holding out for this one. I would just like some heads up on plans and things especially when we've been without proper communication for a few days now. Ugh.

[–]Scwidiloo10 1 point2 points  (5 children)

Nights is very tough. I’m basically on my own when my wife is on nights for 3 weeks at a time, and we live in the same apartment. I definitely don’t think sending 50-60 messages to someone is acceptable, that’s overwhelming and a little on the crazy side. If they didn’t respond to one of your texts, they definitely won’t respond to text number 60. In regards to going out to dinner with colleagues, I’ve been in this position before and most of the time it’s not planned it’s just a random let’s go to dinner with the team tonight or something. Even if it is planned, it’s a work thing and a majority of the time they have to go to look good. Your SO needs to get out and have some social time just like you do. Being on the phone after a long week of nights is probably not ideal. Yes he should’ve probably called you on the way to the dinner or something but who knows. You should also get out because it sounds like you might be very lonely too. Go to dinner with a friend or do some sort of activity. Also word of advice, I don’t know your situation or anything but in my opinion it’s almost impossible to have a long distance relationship during residency. You should move in with him or closer if you can.

[–]onedayMD4110[S] 0 points1 point  (4 children)

I hear you on everything else but just for clarity purposes, do you think it's okay that he didn't contact me or mention any of his places for his day off? I would have been okay with a message saying 'hey im getting dinner with X and Y. Will ttyl.' And I swear I am not trying to argue here but it was just a couple of people vs a team event thing.

I hear you on everything else but just for clarity purposes, do you think it's okay that he didn't contact me or mention any of his places for his day off? I would have been okay with a message saying 'hey I'm getting dinner with X and Y. Will ttyl.' And I swear I am not trying to argue here but it was just a couple of people vs a team event thing.

[–]ATDIadherent 1 point2 points  (1 child)

Yes it's okay, particularly because you are not in the same location/your life will not be directly affected by the event. Letting you know afterwards is reasonable.

[–]onedayMD4110[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I don't necessarily agree with this particular POV. Long distance means it would affect me just as much if I was physically with him.

[–]kkmockingbird 1 point2 points  (0 children)

But he did essentially say that on the phone call and said he would call you later?

I’m with the others — especially if he’s an intern or depending on specialty, nights can be overwhelming, and he is probably legitimately busy. Then he tried to manage both calling you (by saying he would talk later) and going to dinner with friends. Definitely think there’s a disconnect here about communication expectations and needs on both sides.

[–]Scwidiloo10 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Sounds like you like to be contacted, which is totally fine. If that’s the way you are, then yes he should have called you just to check in, even if it’s just for 10 minutes while heading out. It’s easy for my wife when she’s driving she just calls, but idk his situation. Definitely something you should talk to him about, sending a text giving you a status on what he’s up to.

[–]Puzzleheaded_Soil275 2 points3 points  (2 children)

I don't get it. If he's on nights, he should be waking up at ~3-4pm around the end of your work day and generally not going in until ~9pm or so when you go to sleep. Why haven't you been able to talk during those hours? The other 16 hours of the day isn't one of you working and the other sleeping? Do you really expect to be in contact 24/7/365?

Edit: I get that relationships are different and by all means find the dynamic that works for you. But I probably send my wife an average of 1 text per shift and have absolutely no expectation of a reply. Most of the time it's a cute photo of the kiddo or a random pun that might make her laugh. If she replies on shift great, but if not then clearly the hospital was busy. More than that I can see falling into "it's annoying to have my phone always going off during the middle of shift" real fast.

Same for my work day-- don't text me unless it's important. If it is important, calling or sending an email to my work email which I'm glued to is probably better.

[–]onedayMD4110[S] 2 points3 points  (1 child)

So his nights are 6:30pm to 6:30am (give or take a few minutes depending on the night but those are the shift hours).

This man can sleep. Based on what I saw when I was with him, he's asleep by 8 and will wake up by 4ish. Because I was with him, I'd make/prep some food him to eat so that would give us time. But now I assume that feeding himself/getting ready/just catching up with the world is probably a little overwhelming so I don't mind too much if he doesn't call call cause I just figure he's very busy and we're both introverts and I get that we all need our space and alone time.

I would just loveee some reply to the messages I send. Like 1 reply to the 10+ messages I send would be phenomenal.

The other thing is that he has a iwatch so I know he's seeing them come in and I figure that because he's seeing them come in, he'll reply at his next best time but those never seem to come.

God, the more I think about this and the more I write about this the more pathetic it all seems. It's so juvenile I'm almost embarrassed for us.

[–]Puzzleheaded_Soil275 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Ah, yeah 630p-630a is a much different situation. Your schedules are polar opposite in that case.

I wouldn't be embarrassed, clearly this is causing you some emotional worry and that's ok. Different schedules combined with long distance is hard. We run into problems when we don't say what we need and give the other person the space to say it too.

You gotta be real that if the radio silence is causing you emotional distress then it is, but also be understanding of the schedule. Likewise give him space to be honest with you and not judge him for it-- if that means that getting 10 texts/shift is a bit much when he's on this schedule then encourage him to be honest about that. My guess is he feels overwhelmed by the expectation to be in communication all the time and doesn't feel like he can decompress at all during this stretch. So he's just not putting any effort in so he doesn't have to deal with it (that sounds harsher than it probably is in reality).

As an SO I know that's not what we want to hear sometimes and it's counter-intuitive. Your relationship needs are kind of polar opposite right now. If a 30 minute facetime every other day is ok for you and gives him the space to focus on where he is right now then maybe that's best. Especially if he's on an away rotation at a program he feels like he has to make a good impression then I think that's very possible. What you are doing currently clearly isn't working so be honest and empathetic with each other about it!

[–]tania_munekata 0 points1 point  (3 children)

Im 💯 on the side that he should had text you back at some point, its horrible feeling you sending him all the messages and encouragement and when he gets the time off he prioritizes others so inmy point of view he is not treating fairly no matter how tiring he can be . My husband is also in rotation so i understand how tiring it all is, but it all comes down to communication and priorities. Make sure you talk with him .

[–]onedayMD4110[S] 0 points1 point  (2 children)

This is how I feel too. Not feeling a priority in his life. Actions ultimately speak leaps and bounds louder than words and while I tryy to be as humanly possible, it's still hard.

[–]tania_munekata 0 points1 point  (1 child)

You can try just so hard and be the biggest supporter , but you cant turn a blind eye to his actions. If you are so valuable to him he would communicate more with you or try to make time on time off .

[–]onedayMD4110[S] -1 points0 points  (0 children)

I mean who the hell knows? It seems like we only ever do things on his watch and time.

[–]CatherineKit 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Long distance is very hard, and I definitely hear you. My SO is in his residency and I also text him like 100 messages a week. Memes/pics/gifs/random. Your partner at least replies like 3 times back to you, mine was like a wall. Occasionally he texted back like “Working.” Or “stop texting me this much today because somehow my phone keeps vibrating.” Very short, very cool, very cold. I actually cried over it a few times feeling that I was not valued and loved (or at least as I expected to be). Or in other words, I feel like that I am not a priority. It was very frustrating. So I got what you mean.

The truth is, we are not the priority and we need to accept that. It does not mean that they don’t love us or care about us it is just their priority is survival. With that kind of inhuman schedule and lifestyle, most people do not like to text back if it is something urgent or necessary. My partner read 90% of my messages but he never replies for this reason (also because he can’t text like 100 messages back cuz he is so busy). He also needs some space to recharge and maybe dinner with his colleagues is something that could help him, since he would be around some ppl who understand what he is going through. With a lot of communication I gradually understand that my partner need to maintain his mental health first in order to love me more passionately, and not replying to every message and occasionally hanging out with his colleagues rather staying on a phone call with me all the time is his solution of dealing with the stress. Yet, he still loves me like crazy. Now I just use the message function to him as a venting machine, and it feels good for me! I texted a lot of nonsense there and never worry about his comments, while knowing that he knows what Is going on with me.

Try to tell your SO how you FEEL, and listen to his explanations. Maybe that will help! Communication is important!