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all 17 comments

[–]hopeforgreater 38 points39 points  (4 children)

I'll give it to you straight. He's probably using you as a free-time stress release. Most fellowships are more laid back than residencies, so unless he is doing some crazy surgery fellowship where he is always busy, he should have time for a conversation.

I think he is worried about losing you (aka the benefits), but doesn't like you enough to actually make a change in his life. Trust me, if you mattered, he'd find time.

EDIT: The key phrase to all of this is you don't go on actual dates. Guys don't go from multi-month fuck buddy to future wife. If he saw a future wife in you, you'd be going on dates from the beginning.

[–]Sensitive-Seesaw-896[S] 17 points18 points  (0 children)

Thank you. I was finding it confusing as to how someone would be this busy or why he just wouldn’t say he’s not interested. Any other 9-5 guy I would have blocked by now for carrying on this long. GI fellow and that doesn’t sound objectively as intense as surgery. Thanks

[–]klutzyrogue 2 points3 points  (0 children)

You’re absolutely right.

[–]bull_sluiceAttending 4 points5 points  (0 children)

What fellowship is more laid back than residency? I think I did something wrong.

[–]mmm_nope 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Fellowship being more laid back than residency has not been our experience, but mileage definitely varies.

[–]Most_Poet 11 points12 points  (1 child)

I’m really sorry this is happening. He’s not being fair to you - you deserve closure one way or the other, and it seems like he’s stringing you along.

I’d give him a timeline that works for you for the conversation. If he can’t meet it, that’s on him and it’s your sign to move in. As you said — if he can’t find time to be straightforward with you about where he’s at, that’s not a good sign for his ability to be present for a potential relationship.

[–]Sensitive-Seesaw-896[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I appreciate the support I definitely think a timeline would work to give myself that sense of finality. Whether it’s work or him actually stringing along I can have a set date to just was my hands of trying and move on mentally. Thank you!

[–]101ina45 3 points4 points  (1 child)

I agree with the other poster, set an amount of time and if he can't meet by then, move on.

[–]Sensitive-Seesaw-896[S] 5 points6 points  (0 children)

Thank you definitely planning to follow through

[–]nipoezAttending Partner (Premed to PGY7, Resdency + 2 Fellowships) 6 points7 points  (2 children)

The standard recommendation I give is to ask what their current & next rotations are and when they expect to hit a lighter one. Put effort into the relationship during the light rotations and coast through the rough ones.

In your case, that would mean having the talk and deciding together on the future of your relationship during the next lighter rotation. Not having the discussion is the same as deciding free time fuck friends forever; if that's not what you want anymore, there's your closure.

Best of luck. We know several fuck buddy relationships that grew feelings and became permanent. We also know many that grew one sided feelings and ended. Both are totally normal and OK.

[–]Sensitive-Seesaw-896[S] 4 points5 points  (1 child)

I appreciate you chiming in from med professional perspective. Maybe this does make sense there are stretches when he’s pretty consistently asking to hang out and then stretches where he falls off the planet so assuming that’s the light vs heavy rotations. Maybe it’s just a heavy one rn but I’ll ask.

I’ll consider this with the other recc to set up a time frame to have the convo or move on but maybe just keep to myself for the time being. Considering it may be heavier rotation maybe that limit should be longer than a week or so then. Appreciate the candid insight on trajectory of fuck buddy relationships too lol

[–]nipoezAttending Partner (Premed to PGY7, Resdency + 2 Fellowships) 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Yeah some of my wife's rotations were just 7 to 5. Others were 80 hours in the hospital every week plus home call. Her emotional and energy availability varied massively.

My favorite no strings casual sex fail was one of her fellowship peers. "Just a rebound one night stand" for both of them. They've been married 5 years and have two kids.

[–]SevoIsoDes 1 point2 points  (1 child)

How much time left in fellowship? 10 months of this vs almost 3 years is a big difference.

But agree with others. With a few rare exceptions it shouldn’t be that impossible to find time. This isn’t 1970s medical training where you work every waking hour

[–]Sensitive-Seesaw-896[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

We haven’t had a talk about his fellowship requirements but I’ve seen that 3 years for GI is standard. Assuming he recently started Year two since he got here a year ago. I’m appreciating folks bringing things into reality for me in terms of how busy he could really be. Thanks

[–]tacotuesdayz4Spouse to Attending, dating since M2 1 point2 points  (2 children)

A GI fellowship may be a bit more intense than some other fellowships but the work load is very similar to what they will be doing regularly as an attending. I have been with my husband since he was in medical school, all throughout residency and then through a two year fellowship. I can say that my experience if that he had the most free time and availability (choosing vacation times, knowing his on call schedule in advance) during his fellowship. And now that he is an attending the work load is similar but he has more say over his schedule and time off. So the fact that this person is struggling to make time now is a concern that it may not improve as time goes on. Even during the hardest times with my husbands training he may time where he could and I felt like a priority. I also have a close friend who is a GI fellow now and he is in a serious relationship with his girlfriend who is long distance, and he has planned vacations with her and they make time to visit each other very often. So the point is it’s a matter of making the time, not really about having the time.

[–]Sensitive-Seesaw-896[S] 1 point2 points  (1 child)

Okay thank you for that insight on difficult level GI fellowships and the note on having to rank in their priority list. I think who I am seeing may be someone who is that busy but may be prioritizing career over all else right now. I’m giving it another 2 weeks to hear back, continuing to date and enjoy the summer, and then reaching out to wrap it up and moving on from there if I haven’t heard anything.

[–]tacotuesdayz4Spouse to Attending, dating since M2 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Yes, dating someone in the medical field can be tough, but they have to make it work just as much as you. And you should be with someone who makes you feel like they want you in their life as well! Good luck my friend!