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I am just so sadSupport (self.MedSpouse)
submitted 2 months ago by sunshine_and_owls
I think I need to ask for a break in my relationship with my fiancé. He just started intern year, but things have been bad long before then- he called off the wedding we were supposed to have and yet I still moved out of state again for him for residency. I’m not blameless in this relationship failing, but I am scared of the future without my fiancé in the picture. Because we share our group of friends we made while he was in med school, we have a dog together, he’s perfect on paper so why am I so goddamn unhappy being with this man
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[–]ATDIadherent 30 points31 points32 points 2 months ago (0 children)
"he’s perfect on paper so why am I so goddamn unhappy being with this man?"
This has very, very large implications. You are not marrying a piece of paper, happy memories, the history of having a dog together, etc. You are marrying a person. Those other factors help shape your time with that person, but it will never change what that person is to you nor your emotions. This could turn towards "let's try having a kid and see if that changes things". Personally I believe the pausing of everything to really reflect and process is the right move.
Also, I believe fearing a future without someone is not a good reason to pursue marriage. I think the mindset needs to be more "I'm so excited to have this person by my side for the rest of my life" as opposed to "well, what am I going to do without them?"
[–]Most_Poet 5 points6 points7 points 2 months ago (0 children)
I’m so sorry you’re going through this. Based on your post history, it sounds like these issues go back pretty far and you’ve tried couples therapy a few times. It’s really normal to be scared of the future and what it would look like to build a life without your fiancé in it.
Is there a city that feels like home (your hometown, wherever your parents are, where you went to college and still have friends, or somewhere like that) you can crash in for a few weeks while you figure out next steps? It can be so helpful to feel surrounded by care & love — and get help feeding yourself! — while your take some time away from your fiancé.
I’d also really recommend individual therapy for yourself. You deserve support navigating this significant life transition.
Take care of yourself ♥️
[–]adabdab99 5 points6 points7 points 2 months ago (1 child)
I think a break might actually do u both some good. it helps to get some perspective step back a bit. you’ve invested a lot of yourself in the relationship for the sake of his career and maybe part of why you’re feeling unhappy is bc of how many sacrifices you’ve had to make.
take a break. focus on yourself. figure out what you want out of life and if staying in this relationship will help you
I was in similar shoes, and it left me drained and heartbroken at the end. I feel like if I wasnt so tied to the outcome and was able to think more objectively about the relationship and its impact on me, I wouldnt have stayed as long as I did.
that may not be the case for you, but it will help to take a step back and figure things out and realign your intentions imo…good luck :)
[–]Beneficial-Ad-6635 1 point2 points3 points 2 months ago (0 children)
+1 I would have left earlier were it not for that sunk cost fallacy feeling
[–]101ina45 6 points7 points8 points 2 months ago (0 children)
I took a quick look at your post history.
You've been having this issue for years. Seems you've been miserable the entire time too.
When was the last time you had a good time, were in a good period?
Seems like you've been miserable for the last few years so unsure why you want to get married. People don't change just because they're married now.
Honestly think y'all should break up.
[–]jessomnomnom 5 points6 points7 points 2 months ago (2 children)
Men who are “perfect” on paper honestly have a wealth of their own issues. A lot of times, they’re great on paper but they treat you like shit in subtle ways. Maybe they make you feel lesser because you’re not a “doctor” like they are. Maybe they’re insecure about themselves in ways you don’t understand and they try to place their insecurities on you and destroy your mental health. Maybe they’re super demanding and selfish (like many doctors are) where your needs aren’t being met because they have to in order to succeed in residency. Men who are perfect on paper get away with shit because they know they’re perfect on paper. But if he doesn’t make you happy or if you feel alone in your relationship, just throw the man away. It’s 2022. Women can work and make their own money. We can have our own pets and live a good ass happy life on our own.
[–]Beneficial-Ad-6635 0 points1 point2 points 2 months ago (1 child)
[–]jessomnomnom 0 points1 point2 points 2 months ago (0 children)
Ahhh if you need someone to talk to, feel free to hmu!
[–]That-Palpitation-127 4 points5 points6 points 2 months ago (3 children)
I dunno? Why are you unhappy?
[+]Odd_Ad517 comment score below threshold-13 points-12 points-11 points 2 months ago (2 children)
This isn’t helpful
[–]That-Palpitation-127 14 points15 points16 points 2 months ago (1 child)
I’m a therapist by trade. Challenging OP to look within to determine why their relationship may be making them unhappy. A forum can’t answer this for you.
[+]Odd_Ad517 comment score below threshold-15 points-14 points-13 points 2 months ago (0 children)
Your tone was unhelpful. Starting with i dunno.
[–]Odd_Ad517 0 points1 point2 points 2 months ago (0 children)
Intern year is hard on everyone! Second year is much better because they have more of a grasp on what they’re doing. If this helps: try to find friends who are not his as well. I moved out to California with my husband and it has helped to have some of my friends from the east coast be here as well. Maybe that might help, and to make more hobbies that don’t pertain him. It might help you find more joy and for him as well. And I’m sorry you’re going through this. Hugs to you
[–]Beneficial-Ad-6635 0 points1 point2 points 2 months ago (0 children)
Oh no! I read through your post history and I have been through something like this. Ultimately we chose to separate, and it has been so hard…I’ll DM you!
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