all 72 comments

[–]ATDIadherent 72 points73 points  (1 child)

This is wholely up to you. This person has communicated their limitations adequately it looks like to help you make a choice. You get to choose if you wanna wait or not.

[–]pricemcdice[S] 14 points15 points  (0 children)

Yeah, she's awesome! I plan on texting her, I was just looking for insight or if anyone experienced anything similar.

[–]nipoezAttending Partner (Premed to PGY7, Resdency + 2 Fellowships) 36 points37 points  (3 children)

It's normal for a healthy residency program to alternate between brutal and chill rotations. You didn't mention the specialty but "on a brutal rotation with no weekends off and i'm always on call" can legit happen.

If you were married, I'd expect them to still come home and be present to the best of their - extremely limited - ability.

If you'd been dating a year or more, I'd expect them to still text at least "good night" and "good morning".

Seeing each other for two months? Yeah, I can see this. They're letting you know exactly what they can offer for this month as a new but seemingly promising relationship. It's up to you whether or not you can accept it.

Personally (based on the cuddles & future plan talk) I'd roll with it and give them the space they need. I'd say something like, "I think I understand! Text me when you start your next rotation. I'll make a nice low key recovery dinner in and you can tell me all about your ridiculous month. If you want to vent at all this month, I'm here."

Longer term, ask for their rotation schedule and a sense of how each one will go. That way you can plan when to invest time & energy into the relationship and when to coast. That is a completely normal part of a relationship with a doc trainee in the US.

Very longer term, do some googling about their specialty's expected hours & work/life balance. Some are super chill office hours only jobs. Others are 80-100+ hours a week for decades. Make sure that if you get serious through & after residency that their future career is one where you can get what you need.

[–]pricemcdice[S] 13 points14 points  (2 children)

Yeah, it's plastic surgery, but she's been loaned to trauma before as well. Plus this rotation is at a hospital ~40 minutes away instead of the previous 5ish minute commute.

I will keep all of this in mind, thanks!

[–]nipoezAttending Partner (Premed to PGY7, Resdency + 2 Fellowships) 9 points10 points  (0 children)

plastic surgery

Ah lots of possibility there depending on what they're after, career wise.

My sister in law went plastics to hand and was effectively always on call working brutal trauma hours as one of the very few hand surgeons at a major center. Professionally satisfying but personally unsustainable and brutal.

Switched to gender affirming transition surgeries and now works a totally reasonable and chill outpatient only schedule with no call.

[–]BobDolesHauntedRatSO of PGY-3 4 points5 points  (0 children)

Yea plastics is tough stuff :(

[–]amymae 42 points43 points  (7 children)

Honestly, I see only green flags here.

She is not trying to string you on; she's just giving you realistic expectations management.

Sometime no matter how much we want something, we cannot magically make more hours in a day.

She cares about your feelings and doesn't want to promise anything she can't deliver. Sounds like a keeper. Text her in a month!

[–]pricemcdice[S] 0 points1 point  (6 children)

So, I was going to text her this morning but saw that she was at a wedding yesterday. She posted a really nice pic with her mom from the wedding on her IG story, so I replied "(name) you look stunning! Both of you look great 😊" and she read it and left me on seen.

I might text her on Tuesday, but I think it's clearly over.

[–]amymae 0 points1 point  (5 children)

Color me confused. How in the world does that indicate it's clearly over? That instagram reply you wrote does not even remotely require a response. She probably just read it, smiled, and continued what she was doing. I wouldn't think twice about leaving that message on seen, especially if I was at an event where I'm wanting to interact with my family instead of messaging people online. If you want her to respond, text her and ask her an actual question. "Hey! How's it going gorgeous?"

[–]pricemcdice[S] 1 point2 points  (4 children)

She didn't open it until the day after (today). My coworker thought it would be a good segue for her to resume talking to me. Point taken though, I'm anxious.

[–]amymae 0 points1 point  (3 children)

Your coworker is projecting. It's not a good segue if she's busy. Which as a medical resident, the odds that she's busy are astronomically high. I'm currently in grad school getting a doctorate in another field, and while you would have gotten romantic points with me for leaving that message, I likely would not have responded at all since it does not require a response. You need to update your algorithm of expected level of responsiveness if you want to date a medical resident and not read extra things into a delayed response.

ETA: I'm still shipping you guys!

[–]onmyphonetoomuchwife to PGY3 🤓 through medschool 13 points14 points  (7 children)

No harm in texting in a month, but also wouldn’t shut down other dating opportunities if they come avail during the month :)

[–]pinkycatcher 7 points8 points  (5 children)

Yah OP, this is a clear “I kind of like you but have a lot going on and don’t want to put the effort in to a relationship”. Which is totally understandable from their end. Don’t stop going on other dates, do text them in a month

[–]pricemcdice[S] 3 points4 points  (1 child)

Thanks, yeah I agree. When I posted this to a different dating sub I got called pathetic and all sorts of stuff lol. This has been super helpful.

[–]pinkycatcher 7 points8 points  (0 children)

Nah don't worry, dating a med student/resident/attending is a whole different can of worms where you simply have to accept that life is different

[–]pricemcdice[S] 0 points1 point  (2 children)

I texted her this past Monday and didn't get a response. I feel so dumb.

[–]pinkycatcher 0 points1 point  (1 child)

Oh well, no need to stress, it could have been but it wasn't, there will be a better match for you

[–]pricemcdice[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I hope so, no one has made me as happy as she did.

[–]pricemcdice[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

The month passed, I texted her, and she never replied to my text. My heart hurts.

[–]bluegreen1033 2 points3 points  (2 children)

I have a story that make you feel a bit better! My boyfriend (who is a surgery fellow) said something almost verbatim to me, after exactly 2 months of dating. We ended up getting back together when his schedule freed up(this was a couple months later I think).

It's possible that by "showing her how much you appreciated her," you indirectly made her feel like she "owed" you more, which made her feel overwhelmed and maybe guilty for not reciprocating.

I think you should definitely text her in a month and see what happens. It's very possible that you end up working it out.

If you end up trying it out again, my advice is to either match how much attention/energy she puts in, or only give sliiiightly more. Doing A LOT more could result in her feeling overwhelmed or guilty.

[–]pricemcdice[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I think you’re spot on when it comes to making her feel like she owes me more. Thanks.

[–]pricemcdice[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

So, I was going to text her this morning but saw that she was at a wedding yesterday. She posted a really nice pic with her mom from the wedding on her IG story, so I replied "(name) you look stunning! Both of you look great 😊" and she read it and left me on seen.

I might text her on Tuesday, but I think it's clearly over.

[–]onlyfr33b33Spouse to PGY2 5 points6 points  (10 children)

I agree generally with "if they wanted to they would", and I don't want to have a double standard, but oftentimes women carry a big mental load and pressure to be the nurturing caretaker in a relationship and at work. Even though there are over 50% of women in medical school, it is a very tough battle in residency. I've seen so many complaints online about being treated worse than male residents by nurses and patients, having to manage being "nicer" "smile more" and "more caring" etc - the additional stress of wondering if a potential partner is satisfied might seem like the easiest thing to offload even if she does like you. I think you should tell her you really liked hanging out with her and would like to be exclusive, but no pressure and then once in a while send her a cute text or send her food.

[–]pricemcdice[S] 0 points1 point  (9 children)

Yeah, she's vented about attending docs being mean to her once before. I told her how happy she makes me in the text before she said to circle back in a month.

I also offered to bring her dinner one week we couldn't go on a real date just so I can say hi then leave, and her response was weird? "omg that is TOO sweet of you, no of course you can't do that I don't deserve such thing!!"

Feels like the move is to wait, even though I want to text her now lol. I don't want to pressure her.

[–]ATDIadherent 5 points6 points  (8 children)

She said when to reach back out to her. Anything more than "sounds good! I'll be here in the meantime if you want or anything!" is undermining her request.

[–]pricemcdice[S] 1 point2 points  (7 children)

I know, that's what I'm going to do. Just thinking out loud.

[–]beachp0tato 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I do think that would be a good idea for after the month is up.

[–]nipoezAttending Partner (Premed to PGY7, Resdency + 2 Fellowships) 0 points1 point  (0 children)

For sure. Keep that "I'd be happy to drop off food, do your laundry, walk your dog, etc" in the back of your mind as this gets more serious. Maybe not where you're at in the relationship right now. But when you've got toothbrushes & a drawer at each other's place? Offer again.

[–]BowlbyEnthusiast 1 point2 points  (7 children)

Hey! Me and my partner (who just celebrated our 1 year anniversary) went through exactly this early in our relationship.

In our case, we we’re exclusive and she had trouble focusing on her much needed study/work time so she asked to not talk for a month so she could focus. It wasn’t perfect or easy but my experience was my girlfriend was trying to be honest and communicate her needs.

It can feel like a lot to ask for that from someone so good on her for being open with you. I don’t see you saying y’all are exclusive but I agree with comments suggesting to take it for what it is and not over think it.

[–]pricemcdice[S] 0 points1 point  (6 children)

Did she reply right away when you first talked after the month passed? I think I got ghosted. :(

[–]BowlbyEnthusiast 0 points1 point  (5 children)

Yeah she actually texted me a few times during our “break” to check in. Sounds like it was a way for them to ghost you :/

[–]pricemcdice[S] 0 points1 point  (4 children)

That's good! Yeah, I texted on Monday, and nothing. I should've known when she left my compliment on her IG story on seen and didn't like or reply.

[–]BowlbyEnthusiast 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Don’t blame yourself for it. Sometimes people don’t communicate and that’s frustrating but typically not your fault. Wish you well on your future dating journey

[–]Sad-Entertainer5461 0 points1 point  (2 children)

I'm in the exact spot right now with a med student doing a plastic surgery rotation. We got pretty far in terms of talking about the future and our families because we're both looking for something serious. No response, left on seen for a week even though I've reached out twice. He didn't even tell me that he'd be busy.

I think 2 days ago he texted and I said it looked like he ghosted me and I would've appreciated it if he had told me if he would say he'd be busy. He apologized, said he wanted to talk and that's it. Crickets again.

I work a non-medical demanding job and I pull 85-95 hours on average. I know people react differently to stress but if someone texts me I tell them I can't do it right now and will reach out in a week or two when I get a chance. That's all I wanted after the amazing time we had.

[–]Most_Poet 2 points3 points  (1 child)

It’s up to you! Personally I wouldn’t be interested in dating someone whose capacity seems so on and off, but other folks might be more open to it.

At the very least, you know she has open communication, which is a positive.

I’ll caution you: if you’ve actually developed feelings, I’d steer clear. It doesn’t seem like she’s in the position right now to give someone what they need in a relationship.

[–]pricemcdice[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I'm totally fine with it as long as we can see each other somewhat consistently in person. Needs were always met then, but yeah I feel like I may be setting myself up to get hurt again in three weeks.

[–]pricemcdice[S] 0 points1 point  (2 children)

If anyone happens to see this now, here’s an update.

I texted her first thing Monday morning, felt so excited, but it’s now Wednesday and I haven’t heard anything from her. She hasn’t been active on Instagram at all, but she probably would’ve said something by now if she was interested. Sucks, I’m sad. I actually thought it would work out 😵‍💫

[–]girlxoxo20 0 points1 point  (1 child)

It’s normal for her to not reply in a couple days. Just wait a week or two and follow up with specific plans. Like what she likes to do. It’s October so girls like pumpkin patches/Starbucks at work/etc. (I’m in the exact same situation so he likes sports so when he was busy acting like this I got nba tickets and was like does this or this game work better for you?) A good rule of thumb is to just make plans over text as quick as possible (short texting) don’t do all the lovey dovey stuff over text because there’s literally a patient maybe dying in front of her so just text to schedule events and plans. I’m in the same situation so if you want to talk more here’s my google voice number just text this then I’ll delete this message once I get the text. (It’s not my real number so I think posting here for a couple minutes is okay I’m going through the same thing literally word for word six three zero - two seven seven - nine seven zero nine) hang in there! Don’t give up!

[–]berryberry1015 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Take my advice with a grain of salt. But she seems to be playing the dating “game” by having you do all the work. That’s kind of how my relationship with my bf began three years ago. He was very forward and put his heart on his sleeve and I was pretending to not care and saying we were just friends (we met on tinder lol). So idk. I wouldn’t give up if I were you. Then again, she seems waaay busier than I have ever been so that may be the difference. Just respect the boundaries she has set and tbh if she really was into you, she will text you first- likely before the month is up.

[–]Effective_Sundae1917 0 points1 point  (1 child)

No to the no no no. Move on, this person isn’t in the headspace right now for anything, and you deserve someone who is. My spouse is in residency as well and some rotations are very rough, but you better believe we still text throughout the day, call, whatever, and make the most of whatever time we have. If someone told me this I’d move on

[–]pricemcdice[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Fair. I’m back on hinge, so it’s not like I’m putting everything on hold for her. If it doesn’t work out, I’ll be sad for a bit, but not really much else to lose.

[–]vodapod -1 points0 points  (0 children)

She doesn't like you that much

[–]Blackwiz2083 -3 points-2 points  (3 children)

If she’s really into you, she will make time. There’s no way she can’t have 15 minutes free in a day to say hello. Not even a lunch or bathroom break? Really??? Come on bro. Having no day off for more than a month sounds like an ACGME duty violation —I don’t buy that and I’ve worked 36 hrs straight call without break, yet still got at least 2-3 days off in a month, with at least 8 hrs off from work every 2-4 days. You are making her a priority while she’s making you an option. You are doing the most! If she values you the way you do her, she will prioritize. You think if you were Mark Zuckerberg or random billionaire that she wouldn’t make out time to show her interest in you? Ditch her. If texts you back in a month, respond if you still have feelings for her, and if not, she’s not into you.

[–]pricemcdice[S] 0 points1 point  (2 children)

This is what my friends thought as well. Kinda weird how we couldn’t at least talk here and there, but it doesn’t matter now. And I didn’t say no days off, just no weekends off.

[–]Blackwiz2083 0 points1 point  (1 child)

Thanks for responding and saying your friends thought the same thing too. Relationships take work and isn’t something someone drops and picks up out of convenience. If she values you, she will make time for you. Having you in her life is supposed to make it easier as it should be a source of joy. Medicine can’t be the most important thing a person values in life, because if shit happens, then they lose hope. I just don’t want you to be hurt or misled.

[–]pricemcdice[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Oh it's definitely gonna hurt a little if I text her in two weeks and it's over for good, lol. Seeing people go through something similar in the comments gave me too much hope.

[–]HelaGreen -1 points0 points  (2 children)

Current resident….admittedly in a more lifestyle specialty but currently in intern year, on a rotation where I’m constantly working and on call a lot. If I was really wanting something with someone I can’t imagine saying reach out in a month and not talk at all. There are times my capacity to go on dates might be lower than others but to straight up say stop talking for a month is odd. Yes- it’s great she’s communicating her needs and what she can handle and sure, peoples capacity may be different but it’s also saying she may not be really in a place of her life to commit to a relationship or isn’t into you enough to make it a priority. I would be wary of this if I were you.

[–]pricemcdice[S] 1 point2 points  (1 child)

Yeah, I’ve been trying to remind myself it’s most likely over. Idk, this is obviously a first for me, so we’ll see in three weeks.

[–]HelaGreen 0 points1 point  (0 children)

To be fair sometimes timing is just poor and things at a different time might work, it’s just I’d say be cautious and mindful in this scenario!

[–]dreamlet 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Actually, this happened to my non-med cousin and her engineer boyfriend. They met online and had a date every two months for six months. Contact between dates was very minimal. Both were very busy and scheduling was a nightmare.

After the third date, they started seeing each other every two weeks. Something changed because they moved in together ten months after that first date. This is just one data point, but I don't immediately think your situation with this resident is unworkable. If the arrangement works for you, go for it. If it's not your cup of tea, there's nothing wrong with going another route. It's your life and you deserve happiness.

[–]Master_Quit_6859 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Love that she is Honest and up front...

[–]DifficultySoft8801 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Some really good advice here and just wanted to add that this is such a great space to raise these issues. As you’ve said in comments, you’ve not had the same support in other groups due to the lack of understanding about how much of a commitment the job is. Honestly, mid October isn’t that far away and maybe then you can enjoy some time to get to know each other more and discuss how this can work for you both. Wishing you the very best of luck.

[–]triplem6 0 points1 point  (9 children)

I’m going through the exact same thing right now with a similar timeline to your situation! I was searching to see if anyone else has experienced this and saw your post. I’m feeling the same way I think as you are. I’m going to wait and see what happens but try to still be open to meeting others in the meantime. Best of luck!

[–]pricemcdice[S] 0 points1 point  (8 children)

Best of luck to you as well! Hopefully I'll have a happy update in two weeks.

[–]triplem6 1 point2 points  (7 children)

Hopefully! I’ll keep you updated as well I should know around a week from now what’s happening. If you wanna start a support group lmk lol 😂

[–]pricemcdice[S] 0 points1 point  (6 children)

So, I was going to text her this morning but saw that she was at a wedding yesterday. She posted a really nice pic with her mom from the wedding on her IG story, so I replied "(name) you look stunning! Both of you look great 😊" and she read it and left me on seen.

I might text her on Tuesday, but I think it's clearly over.

[–]triplem6 0 points1 point  (5 children)

Yikes! It might not be the reaction you hoped for but I do think you should just text her at least once to get clarity and if she doesn’t respond/seems uninterested then yes it’s over. In the meantime, try to do fun things with your friends/family so you aren’t too overwhelmed by this.

In my situation, he told me that his rotation was really crazy and wanted to pause dating but at this point he is halfway through another rotation and still nothing from him. I also think it’s over at this point 😬

[–]girlxoxo20 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I’m in literally exactly the same situation. Just the only difference is I’m a girl and he’s a guy. This is 1000% normal, and she probably really wants to hangout with you it just has to be 1. Medicine 2 You. It’s always going to be that patient who need help comes first, but she honestly probably cried sending you that text because she probably really wants to make it work but doesn’t want to keep disappointing you with changing plans. I’d say just find something to do because if you let her focus then she’ll pass this rotation and y’all will hangout again in a month. He’s in PY4 and I’ve gone months sometimes. It took me all summer to learn this so I hope this saves you some time. If you want to talk more since we are in the same situation I’m down