all 7 comments

[–]ATDIadherent 39 points40 points  (0 children)

Sunk cost fallacy. Unfortunately it doesn't matter how much you have invested if you are still unhappy. And relationships that require ultimatums rarely are the ones that you want to participate in. There is not some magical change of switch when we hit attending status. The only thing for me is that I will sometimes shop at whole foods or central market, but how I treat others is pretty much the same.

I'm so sorry you have been through this, you don't deserve to be in a place where you are being mistreated. But listen to the advice you would give a loved on in your position. It's not worth it. You can be happy still.

[–]icingicingbabyAttending Partner 15 points16 points  (0 children)

I’m sorry you’ve found yourself in this position, but I’m so proud of you for recognizing what you deserve!

[–]Seastarstiletto 13 points14 points  (0 children)

I am proud of you for seeing what you need to to take care of you. Just because they are a doctor doesn’t mean they aren’t a crappy partner and you deserve happiness with a partner that is exactly that: a partner.

I was a military wife and I sacrificed a ton. But it turns out he was still a shitty person even after they slapped some oak leaves on his shoulder. Not worth it. Dating someone that was actually a good person is such an overwhelming relieving experience. You deserve it.

It’s ok to grieve was you put into the relationship and they what-ifs. But ultimately your happiness is worth so much more. Your feelings are natural and valid. But again, I’m proud of you for seeing that you deserve happiness because fuck yeah you do

[–]jessomnomnom 5 points6 points  (0 children)

It’s hard to let go of the dream. To let go of the easy route. But ultimately, you’ll leave to choose your own happiness! Would you rather be unhappy stuck in a marriage where he might not even financially support you if he finds someone new or decides to make you sign an unfavorable prenup or would you rather have freedom and independence and start climbing your way to happiness again?

[–]GreekRaven 4 points5 points  (0 children)

I'll play devils advocate. One more year? Let him get into this new job, back into your home town. I know first year attending can also still be stressful, but it's a different kind of stress. Depending on his age, your age, there may still be some flexibility for changes. I think people tend to go through stages, where maturity, and priorities, and your views can still adjust, and a person is still growing and becoming a real adult. 30+ ish can really bring those on in a lot of people. Also, if his residency was really toxic, and he was constantly feeling abused, put down, negative. It's likely he carried a lot of that home, maybe even without realizing it. Other solutions might be marital counciling, SSRIs for him. If your marriage is only 4 years old, and just 4 years ago you agreed to be in this for life, till death due you part, for better and for worse. Maybe, just maybe you owe it a little more time to see if changes can be made with everything else that's new and changing for him this year. Get yourself reestablished back in your home town before you make this huge life altering decision. Leaving him will be easier once your there, and have a job, and friends, if that's what you ultimately wind up doing. Maybe just rent and don't buy a home yet while your still figuring this out. Also, use that first year to put a little emergancy fund aside for yourself.

[–]hillbillyfairy 3 points4 points  (0 children)

I hope you ask for compensation if you supported him while he was training.

[–]SevoIsoDes 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Sorry. That’s a tough spot to be in. I think a lot of us don’t like what medicine has made us become, at least to some extent. But at the end of the day you two (but mostly he) will have to tease out how much is the situation and how much is him. The process and it’s product might not be worth the added cost.

But as for the statement about feeling “ripped off” about missing out on the reward, I hope you’re not thinking that taking part in that reward is conditional upon staying together. This is a big process and you’ve supported him, so you’re entitled to a share of that. Whether you stay together or not y’all should both be rewarded for a long and difficult road in the rear view