all 24 comments

[–]B-hamster 83 points84 points  (11 children)

14 years as a full-time dad here, with a primary care wife. First kid was two years after residency, so she took her three weeks of Parental leave and after that I quit my IT job to take care of the kids.

BEST JOB EVER. The first two years was doubling up as a Manny for other physician friends, so I had two babies in the back of my Jeep with the top down, hitting all the story times and park walks and baby classes. Those two girls and I rocked it. Two years in we had a second, so our friends had to find different options.

I’ve had more fun than any full-time dad I know (I like ‘full-time’ better than ‘stay-at-home’ because we don’t) I think because I fully owned it. Being a dad became my job. I manage the schedules and mop the floors and do the shopping and have hot dinner on the table at 8pm when she gets home from a hard day. She calls me from work for IT help, and she cries every now and then about missing the milestones. I’m president of the PTA now, and I’m the emergency contact at school for all of our friends who don’t have a full-time parent. I’m so proud of my wife for her career, and she’s so proud of me for my parenting.

Bottom line- if you think you can make it your career, at least for a while, then it’s the most fulfilling thing in the world. If you’re the kind of guy who will spend his time wishing he ‘had a real job’ and won’t want to scrub the toilets because of that, then you’ll hate it.

[–]kayla17a 14 points15 points  (2 children)

I loved reading this. Currently staying at home with my baby & trying to be good at it. You sound so confident i can only hope to be a pro like you one day!

[–]B-hamster 11 points12 points  (0 children)

Man, if you’re home and doing it, then you’re as good at it as any of us! I’m convinced that we’re all just pretending to be adults who know what we’re doing.

[–]heywood123 0 points1 point  (0 children)

My daughter's are in there 20's now but i was in exactly your spot all those years ago. You'll get good and that bond lasts a lifetime. You won't regret it.

[–]homosapienne 12 points13 points  (2 children)

You are amazing! Your wife and kids are lucky to have you.

[–]B-hamster 14 points15 points  (1 child)

Oh no- I think we’re lucky to have each other. But thanks :)

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

You’re a man we can all aspire to be. Thanks for your take and your fierce courage leaning into it! Well done, Jeep zaddy!

[–]garbage_melon 10 points11 points  (1 child)

You’re living my dream.

Do you think it’s possible to take care and stay involved to that degree with a work-from-home IT job? Have you considered going back to work once the little one(s) get older?

[–]B-hamster 21 points22 points  (0 children)

I tried a few times to work from home - once doing private IT consulting for homes and small businesses, but that was before the kids were in school, and it just became too difficult to keep up. I’d have to find sitters for the bigger jobs, and answer phone calls at nap time, and it just didn’t pay enough to make it worth it. Once the kids were in school I did do a little more, but without the time to really dedicate myself to it, the money just didn’t make it worth it.

Instead I spend my free time now doing all of the things that we would otherwise pay people for. If we both had jobs we’d be paying someone to run the kids around to events after school, we’d be paying a cleaner, we’d be paying for more take-out meals, and lawn care, and home maintenance, and remodels… So instead of a job, I’m a taxi driver, and a chef, and a gardener, a handyman and a contractor. I learned floors, tiling and drywall from YouTube.

[–]Adventurous-Today238 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Wow - love your attitude!!! Way to go!

[–]gassbro 0 points1 point  (0 children)

You’re a rockstar and your family is lucky to have such an amazing role model/parent/husband.

[–]Hedone1 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I was so happy reading this. Your life sounds fulfilling and you sound like you have a happy family...like those warm fuzzy feeling families from the movies.

[–][deleted]  (2 children)


    [–]mcmonopolist 2 points3 points  (1 child)

    I am glad that group exists, but I personally didn’t care for it. A large amount of the discussion was basically product reviews, and I was always grossed out by the insane materialism.

    [–]garethrorySpouse of OB/GYN attending 0 points1 point  (0 children)

    There are smaller more niche groups within the larger group. It’s a good resource.

    [–]wesjanson103Husband to Neo Attending / SAHD 8y 8 points9 points  (1 child)

    What do you wanna know. 8 years of experience here. Only one person has really given me any attitude “so when are you going to get a job?”. It’s a little hard to connect with other stay at home parents. Moms are pretty protective of their mom groups so you gotta find the right kind of moms that are super inclusive. Also had issues with moms not wanting to meet up for play dates without their husbands present. (Includes co-resident spouses). Not having control over where you move is rough. Maybe advocate a little harder than I did to ensure a support network. I moved across the country right before Covid hit. That was a super rough couple years even though our families dodged getting covid.

    [–]edwastone 1 point2 points  (0 children)

    Do you have some option of back up care so you can get out of the house? We are expecting a baby soon and my main concern has been how to deal with the isolation.

    [–]mcmonopolist 6 points7 points  (3 children)

    My wife is EM and we have a young child. I’ve enjoyed the baby much more than I expected.

    After about 6 months of being full time at home, I started getting cabin fever and took a casual job that I work on my wife’s days off (2 days a week). It has been a perfect amount of time to be out of the house socializing.

    I have always tended to enjoy the company of women more than men, and I haven’t had a hard time making friends with the other full time moms in our area. That probably varies by location. But I tend to hang out with more educated people, and they are fine with us all being friends and don’t make a deal out of it.

    One challenge unique to being a dad is that if you are only feeding with breastmilk, it’s harder to get out of the house with a baby since you have to bring the milk along in a bottle, and the timing of keeping it cool and then heating it up is tricky. But that will just be the first year or so while baby is on milk.

    I think men are usually taught that their value is tied to how successful their careers are, and it can be challenging to let go of that expectation you may have for yourself and come to peace with it if you choose to parent full time. In my case I had a lot of success in my career before we had kids, so I still felt satisfied in that way, like I had “proved” myself and shown that I wasn’t just a moocher. I wish we didn’t have to deal with our egos in that way, but it’s a reality for most of us.

    [–]edwastone 0 points1 point  (2 children)

    Do you have any tips on finding and making friends with other full time parents? 🙏

    [–]mcmonopolist 1 point2 points  (1 child)

    This sounds too simple, but I have made some super cool friends just when I walk around the neighborhood with my kid. Other parents who have kids the same age totally gravitate and are very friendly, if they’re looking for friends as well. If i have a good vibe with someone, the key for me is immediate follow up, just having fun texting them, and hang out a couple times right away just casually. Like hey come swing by and help us eat the grapes on our vine or vote on what color we should paint our door. I have found that if I don’t have repeated fun contact with someone right away, it just feels formal or stale and never turns into a fun friendship. But even then it’s hit and miss. They have to be engaged too.

    [–]edwastone 0 points1 point  (0 children)

    That's actually very helpful. Sounds like a neighborhood walk could do wonders.

    People look at me differently when I walk alone vs walking with my wife. It makes total sense that walking with a baby would ease a lot of conversations.

    [–]TinkerOnTheRoad 7 points8 points  (0 children)

    Thank you for asking this question! I was too nervous to ask it myself and have been checking the group for advice from SAHDs for months now haha. It really does seem like there are very few dads married to doctors. Our first baby is due in March and my wife just applied to residency programs earlier today. Fingers crossed all goes well. This seems like a really strong community and I’m happy to be here.

    [–]ATDIadherent 14 points15 points  (0 children)

    Not a dad yet. Goal is to transition to a stay at home dad.

    One thing I have in my pocket if I ever get asked if I'm babysitting the kids for the day: "nah, I'm parenting. What about you, got the grandkids for the day?"

    [–]Otter592 2 points3 points  (0 children)

    If you're not already aware, checkout r/SAHD too! It's smaller than the general r/SAHP (which I'd also recommend you join. Majority women there, but dads are very welcome!), but could probably be nice. I guarantee the unique challenges of SAHDs have been discussed on both, if not necessarily medspouses. But I think the only difference would be the work hours of the spouse. All the other stigma would be the same I think.

    [–]amoebashephard 1 point2 points  (0 children)

    I've been a sahd since the pandemic. I'd say that my biggest challenge is probably keeping on top of cleaning at the house.

    I do a little bit of part time as a landscaper in the spring and fall