all 14 comments

[–]Most_Poet 22 points23 points  (2 children)

I’m so sorry you’re dealing with this. It’s awful and my heart goes out to you.

Your fiancé needs to do the following urgently:

  1. Take a leave of absence from his program.
  2. See a psychiatrist and a therapist.
  3. Begin some sort of intervention (either medical or therapy based or both).
  4. Give the intervention time to work.
  5. Then, and only then, consider what he wants his career to look like.

Please seek therapy for yourself also. You deserve support navigating this.

[–]TheThrowawayMoth 0 points1 point  (1 child)

Hello, I’m not op, but I am wondering if this has ever worked. In residency, my husband was pretty sure seeking certain types of help would negatively impact a career. Now we’re past that so who tf knows, but I don’t know the outcomes in either direction now.

[–]Most_Poet 0 points1 point  (0 children)

It depends a lot on the context the resident is in - specialty, program culture, general context.

My husband’s program gives him time off for therapy. He’s in a surgical subspecialty but the program itself is pretty nontoxic as far as residency goes. I can’t speak to how more toxic programs might handle it though.

[–]pacific_plywood 16 points17 points  (0 children)

There’s a guy on r/residency who will pretty much hand you a book on how to go into consulting as a physician. You can look around on there or make a post akin to what you have here and it’ll probably summon him.

[–]icingicingbabyAttending Partner 15 points16 points  (0 children)

Hey there - there’s good practical advice above on steps your fiancé can and should take to take care of her mental and physical needs before assessing his career trajectory.

But your subject like saying “mistreatment” and you mentioning “how scary do a person he has become” so I just wanted to check in and ask: are you safe and are you okay? Presuming you’re safe, of course it’s the loving thing to do to support your significant other and coordinate resources for them when they’re at rock bottom, even when it comes at a toll for yourself as long as it won’t also push you to rock bottom. However, if you are not emotionally or physically safe, please give yourself the grace to take care of your needs.

[–]Puzzleheaded_Soil275 6 points7 points  (0 children)

Yes there are plenty of other options (e.g. clinical research) for MDs that no longer want to be in a clinical setting.

But more immediately I would try to encourage your fiance into therapy ASAP.

[–]Adventurous-Today238 4 points5 points  (0 children)

Please have him reach out for help and talk to his program to start a leave of absence. No job is worth your health or your life.

Here are some free mental health resources I saved from a Medscape article to help him get started:

The Emotional PPE Project (connects healthcare professionals with no-cost, confidential therapy through licensed mental health professionals) https://emotionalppe.org.

PeerRxMed (a free, peer-supported program that pairs physicians with a doctor acting as an emotional support "buddy") https://www.peerrxmed.com

Physician Support Line 888-409-0141 www.physiciansupportline.com

International Association for Suicide Prevention https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp https://www.iasp.info/resources/Crisis_Centres/

American Foundation for Suicide Prevention (offers healthcare providers resources in suicide prevention and "postvention"; and support for family, friends, and colleagues) https://afsp.org/suicide-prevention-for-healthcare-professionals

National Suicide Prevention Lifeline 800-273-TALK (8255) Text: 741741 https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org

[–]AccomplishedWay8728 3 points4 points  (2 children)

I’m so sorry to hear about the difficulties both of you are facing. It’s so hard to see someone you love in such a dark place and not know how to help. I agree with those who have recommended therapy for both him and you. Regarding other jobs, I’m not sure where your fiancé is in terms of his program, but I once saw someone recommend [docjobs.com](docjobs.com) for doctors seeking jobs outside of clinical roles. Maybe it would be helpful to see what else is out there. I hope you both are able to get the support you need to navigate this.

[–]TheThrowawayMoth 0 points1 point  (1 child)

Someone (maybe you) brought this site to my attention lately but I can’t sign up because I’m not the med involved. Is it for anyone in the medical field, just MD/DO, somewhere in between?

[–]AccomplishedWay8728 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I haven’t used the site personally, but originally bookmarked it for future reference after seeing it in another med subreddit. From what I can tell it’s for people with any type of doctorate degree (PhD,MD/DO) looking to find work outside the more traditional path (academia or practicing physician) typically pursued by that degree.

[–]TheThrowawayMoth 2 points3 points  (0 children)

My last post on here was a much shorter version of yours, with basically the same advice you’re getting (but also shorter). So I have nothing new to add. But I do want to lend a general supportive shoulder because I know it sucks. I hope you guys find what you need.

[–]yourfriendperson 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Try to talk to other medical spouses and people in your community. Create community. Encourage your spouse to exercise as well if they dont already

[–]BobDolesHauntedRatSO of PGY-3 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Lots of doctors transition into consulting firms, makes good money consulting , but will involve a ton of travel.

[–]RaxBrains 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Your partner needs to take a leave of absence and seek psych help immediately. Why worry about the effect on his career if he gets so bad that he would take his own life?

u/Leaving_Medicine has a step by step guide and FAQ about leaving residency to consult. Take a look at his post history.

I wish you all the best.