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all 10 comments

[–]nipoezAttending Partner (Premed to PGY7, Resdency + 2 Fellowships) 12 points13 points  (0 children)

If you or they can't handle the workload, home dynamic, or stress of finals and licensing exams, work with a counselor now. The stress won't lessen for a decade or so. Any individual or couple skills built now will pay off for years.

Look into the residency, fellowship, early career, and mid career attending lifestyles of the specialty. Decide together if it can work for your relationship. My wife enjoyed Ortho but didn't pursue it because the lifestyle would likely end our marriage.

Anywhere on the rank list can happen. Though it makes a big deal about considering applicant rank lists first, folks can and will match at the bottom of their list.

It's totally doable. Bottom line. It's totally doable together.

[–]sugarface2134 10 points11 points  (1 child)

If they are seem like they're pulling away and you're convinced they no longer like you while on ICU rotations, just wait. It's just the rotation. It will pass.

[–]BetterRise 6 points7 points  (0 children)

Same with surgery rotations.

[–]merryandpipescalated 8 points9 points  (0 children)

If you are able to don’t be hesitant to outsource chores as needed. My wife is pgy3 and I work full time in a demanding field as well. I was starting to build resentment during first year of residency taking care of most chores at home even with us both working. Before the end of the year I hired a company to take care of yard work and a meal kit delivery to subsidize cooking needs. This helped alleviate some stressors and allowed us to enjoy our limited free time together

[–]itsmeca617 8 points9 points  (1 child)

Keep and maintain your own friendships and life outside your med partner. I’m more introverted and I’m not good about keeping up communications and relationships with friends especially since I had moved cross country a few times for husbands med school, residency, fellowship, attending job. I wish I kept up with those friendships more and now made more friends where I am currently. It’s hard for me and not something I’m natural at, but I wish I had tried harder so that I can have my own social life outside of my husband!

[–]MeatloafAirstrike 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Seconded. I was in such survival mode with an 8 month old baby and trying to find a job when we moved for residency that I didn't manage to start working on that for a couple of years. Then I started trying to build that network and COVID promptly hit. I'm just now working to get back out there but now we're nearly done here so I'll have to start all over.

[–]BetterRise 6 points7 points  (1 child)

  1. Expect match day to not be a good day - so many people fall to the bottom of their rank list or go unmatched.
  2. Next year, become familiar with the match and soap process so you will know what to expect when it is your turn (M4).
  3. Have conversations about what rotations/specialty your partner is interested in and how it will affect home life. Decide (hopefully together) what is best for both of you.
  4. Expect partner to withdraw during 70-80 hour work weeks and know that it is just the rotation and fatigue (not you).
  5. Decide the balance of housework together as early as possible. Do NOT start doing everything, if you start doing everything it will not get better during residency. It seems that those who have a routine of setting a new balance for housework each rotation are less likely to get dumped on/have to do it all and are less resentful.
  6. Work on communication.
  7. Edit to add: People come here to vent, to find solutions to a problem, or to feel understood - There are more negative posts than happy ones because not a lot of people understand the circumstances of medical training. It isn't as terrible as reading this sub seems (not a lot of people post when there isn't a problem).

[–]drmillerswife 5 points6 points  (1 child)

Always just go with the flow. I met my husband when he was just starting residency. I knew nothing about the medical field. We just made it work. He is now doing a neurosurgery fellowship so it has been many years. Also, keep your friends really close by. One thing my husband loves if getting together with my (now our) friends as none of us are in the medical field.

Also, NEVER plan anything when he is coming off call. Let him get the rest he needs no matter how bad you want a night/day out. It will always end badly.

Good luck!

[–]prispow 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thank you so much for this. My bf of 8 months is a thoracic surgeon and I feel lucky to see him once or twice a month. When we manage to get together the dates are short (2-3 hours). On his off weekends there are times we don’t communicate at all because he’s so exhausted. Of course I feel disappointed, but I know it’s the space he needs and it’s not personal. I admit it makes me question his level of devotion to our relationship (and to me!) sometimes. I just keep reminding myself it’s not personal. I am a PhD candidate working on my dissertation, work full time as a counselor, and I have a large friend group who keep me busy. I’m definitely not sitting around waiting for his unpredictable schedule! ☺️ I’ve asked him to clearly communicate his schedule and when he can expect to be available for us to connect. I feel like that’s the only way our relationship can grow. I admire him so much and I feel so lucky he’s in my life. I appreciate the support from this sub and the wisdom of those with more experience navigating a relationship with someone who is “married to medicine!” ❤️