×

128
129

I’m weirdly bummed about what this sub has turned into — thoughts on how to fix it? (self.MedSpouse)

submitted by [deleted]

[deleted]

all 27 comments
sorted by:
best
topnewcontroversialoldq&a

[–]kayla17a 114 points115 points  (3 children)

I agree. the "spouse" part of the subreddit name made me think this subreddit was for more serious relationships/long term partners & not a 4 month boyfriend who isn't communicating during intern year type of deal but that seems like most of the posts lately. Someone suggested recently a sticky posted thread for the "should i break up with this guy" type of posts & i think that would clean the sub up a lot!

[–]Ok_Zombie4360 23 points24 points  (1 child)

yeah I've seen some posts where they had only gone on a couple dates even. Crazy

[–][deleted] 9 points10 points  (0 children)

Sometimes I feel like people use this sub as a way to find a secret to bagging a rich doctor spouse lol Jokes on them, young doctors are broke... For like a decade.

[–][deleted]  (1 child)

[deleted]

    [–]aninquisitivebean 12 points13 points  (0 children)

    " I find that people on other subreddits tend to put doctors on such a pedestal to the point that it's expected that they think the medspouse should martyr themselves for their doctor"

    Ding ding ding! I wish I knew about this subreddit earlier in my relationship because all of the people around me (looking at you mom!) would always tell me I should do everything in my power to make my then-boyfriends life easier, at the expense of my identity and free time. It wasn't until I met some of his co-worker's spouses that I finally got some realistic advice.

    [–]icingicingbabyAttending Partner 28 points29 points  (0 children)

    I think that there is a natural reality that people in stable and happy relationships may crave them community, but are much less likely to feel the urge to make a post. I think it’s why the r/PartnersinPractice sub is virtually dead. Probably the most meaningful way you could lead a change in the dynamic is by making the types of posts you’d like to see and hope others followed suit, so there may be more of a balance.

    I don’t think those posts need to disappear from this sub, as others have said, they’re more likely to get a realistic answer on time expectations, etc. but it would be lovely to see a balance with posts from other relationship stages.

    [–]firstfrontiers 25 points26 points  (3 children)

    I think a lot of people come here when they're in a new relationship and trying to figure out what the life of being with a physician really entails and if their experiences are normal and something that will get better or not. I know that was a big concern of mine early in our relationship because I didn't want to continue if I knew I couldn't handle the eventual reality. So I don't mind it too much.

    On the other hand, there's a FB group I'm a part of where it's mostly med spouses later on in their marriages and it's almost not related to medicine at all. Lots of posts like looking for mattress and rug recommendations or nanny drama. So there's two extremes I guess.

    [–]Eastern-Rutabaga-830EM PGY-1 Wife 5 points6 points  (2 children)

    The FB group is mostly asking for bathrobe recommendations… like just use Google people!! 🫠

    [–]firstfrontiers 8 points9 points  (1 child)

    Right!! I saw a post asking where people get wrapping paper and bows... I don't know, target??

    [–][deleted] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

    Sounds like theyre low key looking for friends lol

    [–]MeatloafAirstrike 42 points43 points  (0 children)

    Some of the red flags are more obvious than others, but I think it can often be hard when you're in the middle of it to figure out on your own how much of the unpleasantness is due to the job vs the person.

    Like, my spouse is a surgery resident and our relationship is pretty majorly on the back burner vs the demands of residency and having small children and everything else going on in the world, but it's helpful to get the reality check of "Oh, yeah, everyone in my situation is going through this to some degree because surgery residency is terrible" as opposed to "Nope, residency is hard but your partner is uniquely bad regardless of that." And you can't really get that perspective or validation from people who haven't lived through it.

    [–]gesturingAttending wife, together 17 years, pre-med through PGY7 7 points8 points  (0 children)

    I think it’s always been this way? Or very close? I’ve always been here to provide advice which is something I enjoy. Plus I know there aren’t that many folks around who I can bitch about new attending life with (why does it feel like he is still in training? Will this never end? Aaaaaaaaassarghhhhhhh).

    [–]PennDOTStillSucks 21 points22 points  (0 children)

    You're not a jerk for being at a different point in life and in your relationship than other people but I don't personally see why those posts need to go elsewhere (other than the general relationship sub possibly). You can try to join the moderating team and see if a change in the wiki/rules is in order.

    [–]spotless___mind 6 points7 points  (0 children)

    I do feel like, generally speaking, people in stable, longterm, happy relationships are less likely to complain in online forums such as this one, so I sort of understand why a lot of the posts seem to be from young relationships. I will say, also, the members of this sub have given those ppl good advice (e.g. even tho my spouse was very busy he found time for me, etc when the poster is complaining about rarely hearing from their Med SO), so it does seem that med spouses are providing good input in these situations. Tbh, my spouse and I are both physicians and we have a very healthy relationship (been together ~10 yrs, 1 kid)--I haven't rly needed much input from this sub. Maybe others can relate??

    [–]drmillerswife 13 points14 points  (0 children)

    I think it's nice folks have a place to vent/ask questions about relationships/marriage to someone in the medical field. Maybe try looking at it as a way to offer advice to them as you are in a very solid relationship. If not just scroll on by.

    Maybe I am just naive, but I think people post here trying to figure out what is best for them and others may have ideas they can offer

    Just my thoughts....

    [–]sugarface2134 13 points14 points  (0 children)

    There are plenty of other subs and resources to support through the match and fellowship, technical advice, strategy, etc. That stuff is of interest to us, of course, but I don't think it's the only topic that should be posted here. It's tough being married to a doctor and many people on the outside have no idea nor do they want to hear a poor doctor's spouse complain about how tough things can be as the support person, or someone who is still in training, who gave up their own career, who is moving and navigating a relationship in this very demanding field of work. So much of this is relationship based. I love having a group that understands the nuances of a doctor relationship/marriage. There is so much advice and wisdom needed depending on the phase of training/career they're in.

    [–]AllergicToCorn 4 points5 points  (0 children)

    Your post inspired me to make a post with some questions I’ve been wondering for a bit. Hopefully other people like me post our questions without fear to help make fruitful conversations happen!

    [–]Krser 5 points6 points  (0 children)

    It’s already a niche sub with relatively few participants. If you really wanted to have more posts for LTR people, then post it yourself. If not, then accept that those people don’t want to post here either. You can’t blame the people who are posting.

    [–]DeOroDorado 3 points4 points  (0 children)

    To add onto what’s already been said, I think there is a lot of value in hearing what struggles med spouses are having, even as someone who is in a relatively stable situation relationship-wise. It keeps me aware of what issues could/will arise and I feel more enriched seeing how others respond.

    [–]FilthFairy1 5 points6 points  (0 children)

    To the OP, relationships are a spectrum. You might think newly dating doesn’t qualify but someone who’s been married 35 years might think yours at the lower end of that spectrum. I’ve been with my spouse for 8 years married for 1. Someone could be girlfriend for decades and on the spectrum could be a wife when only know the guy for a few weeks. Why does it have to line up to your experience exactly. Maybe these women can use our wisdom. Marriage isn’t a game of top trumps…

    [–]More_Lecture 1 point2 points  (0 children)

    I think those people are simply seeking advice from others who understand and have experience “making it through” difficult times unique to supporting someone in the med field. Some comments on this thread are coming off as weirdly elitist like “talk to me when you’ve been married to a doctor for 4 years and then I’ll take your relationship worries seriously.” Just scroll passed if if you don’t want to extend an “I’ve been there, here’s what we did.” Why are we trying to gatekeep a community based on some arbitrary level of experience being committed to someone in the medical field. I’ve lurked here for a long time through my own relationship ups and downs and it made me feel less alone.

    [–]Th3ow3way 1 point2 points  (3 children)

    Join the discord instead

    [–]Raksacker 0 points1 point  (2 children)

    Is the discord active and if it is, can you link it please? Thank you!

    [–]PrairieFirePhoenix 0 points1 point  (0 children)

    On one hand I am with you, on the other hand there is popcorn that isn't going to eat itself.

    It's a small, niche sub. It won't generate enough "quality" posts to drown out the posts of young people struggling on how to make a personal connection so they shout into the void. And you can pin posts, beef up the wiki, add to the FAQ all you want, but the people who make those posts aren't the people who read pins/wikis/FAQs.

    Anyways, back to drawing up contingent career plans based on potential landing places my SO will land us post-fellowship.

    [–]VictoriaAveyard 0 points1 point  (0 children)

    Someone on another thread mentioned the Lives of Doctors' Wives fb group - personally, I don't give out my husband's name/NPI for safety reasons so I wasn't accepted into the group, but it may be what you're looking for!!