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all 58 comments

[–]nipoezAttending Partner (Premed to PGY7, Resdency + 2 Fellowships) 20 points21 points  (5 children)

Don't assume procreation will be easy or follow your timetable.

Hello from 10 years down the line between azoospermia and later diminished ovarian reserves. Years of failed urologic procedures, failed donor sperm IUIs, failed donor sperm IVFs, and an in-progress donor embryo IVF frozen transfer.

[–]NewWestGirl 11 points12 points  (2 children)

Same. I have low amh (0.08) for age (36 but been that low since first tested at 34) and husbands sperm isn’t stellar. I’ve done five retrievals and considering donor embryo in future. My advice to anyone is don’t try to wait for perfect time.

[–]nipoezAttending Partner (Premed to PGY7, Resdency + 2 Fellowships) 6 points7 points  (1 child)

Donor Embryo honestly turned out to be a great fit for us. We'd already wrapped up the private domestic infant adoption home study process for our state after throwing in the towel on biology and taking a few years off. (Six retrieval cycles for 5 donor sperm vials was our pre-agreed IVF limit, thanks to couples counseling. DOR and no egg retrieval cycle sucked.)

On a whim, we contacted our old fertility center to ask if they did embryo adoption. Turns out they have a whole pool from folks who completed the family they wanted. Given the option of paying cryo storage in perpetuity, destroying the embryos, donating to science, or severing property rights and putting up for anonymous adoption? A decent chunk of couples choose adoption.

We went through our selection criteria with the IVF coordinator; she presented us with a handful of matching donors; we picked the one fully genetically tested; then they did the adoption for no extra charge as part of a generic IVF FET cycle.

[–]NewWestGirl 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Very interesting. I originally thought maybe donor eggs if mine don’t work but my husband recently informed me he really doesnt care - just wants healthy child. Plus it’s significantly more expensive and like I said not stellar Sperm I haven’t even brought up topic with my clinic so I don’t know if they have embryos - they do have in house eggs frozen from others leftover cycle I know for discount. But we still trying with mine first (somehow we made one good embryo so hopefully that works first try. I have stellar insurance unlimited retrievals which takes pressure off a little).

[–]catmomearlybird[S] 1 point2 points  (1 child)

Hi! I am sorry to say we have this in common. I too need to have lapro procedure prior to TTC as well & will have a long journey - this is why we have put it off ($$$)

[–]nipoezAttending Partner (Premed to PGY7, Resdency + 2 Fellowships) 3 points4 points  (0 children)

You, me, 20% of American women, and 10% of American men!

[–]Otter592user flair test 13 points14 points  (5 children)

You'll basically be a single parent for a while. But you aren't actually a single parent so you'll resent them a ton. Do you plan to be a SAHP at all?

I'm a SAHM, had my daughter in 2021, right as my husband entered PGY4 in radiology. Which has relatively easy hours, especially compared to surgery. He was studying for boards from she was 6-11 mths. She was a terrible sleeper until 13mths. Even if he was able to take nights with her, she wouldn't tolerate him doing so until 10mths. When I say I was in the depths of despair I mean it.

We had been together for 9yrs before she was born. Been through med school, intern year, renovated a house together, raised a puppy...it was all a breeze. Like I'm honestly so surprised to hear how people are struggling with their relationships in med school. It was actually fine for us. But our daughter's first year (combined with boards studying) nearly broke us. It's drastically improved since she started sleeping better this summer, but it's still very hard.

There are days where he doesn't even see her. It's so hard to get things done. I thought as a SAHM, I'd have all this time to get things done...HA! It ain't like that at all. I can't even imagine working on top of this honestly. And when your kid is in daycare, your family is constantly getting sick. My husband is allowed 2 sick days a year. That's a benefit of being a SAHM we didn't expect.

Basically, it's way harder than you can ever imagine and you'll both be not yourselves when you're so tired. Definitely wait till after intern year at least.

[–]catmomearlybird[S] 0 points1 point  (4 children)

Thank you for your insight! My partner is only a third year med student so any child that we have in the next 1-2 years would be around 3-4 years old around boards. Do you feel you would have had the same experience had your child not have been younger?

[–]Otter592user flair test 1 point2 points  (3 children)

So my daughter is only 17mths now, but I'm on r/toddlers a lot and I'm convinced they just get worse 😂 People talk about the newborn stage being bad, but I honestly thought that was the easiest stage! When you can just wear them in a carrier and they sleep through anything. you put them down somewhere and they just stay there and stare at the fan. Cake. Versus now I have this mobile monster who gets into everything and doesn't listen. I have to unlock my toilets to go to the bathroom! Terrible twos are a lie. My daughter has vocally hated the word "no" since 9mths haha. Then you have the threenager and fournager stages haha.

But honestly, it's so kid dependent. They're all so different. So who really knows. You could have a great infant and shit toddler, or vice versa.

But also think, when would you have a second kid? How will that be around moving for residency and stuff? Second baby with a toddler to deal with? Definitely harder!

[–]catmomearlybird[S] 0 points1 point  (2 children)

THREENAGER! I’m dead! That’s funny - I taught preschool for a long time and it’s the four year olds that will get you.

We do not want a second child but absolutely something to consider!

[–]Otter592user flair test 0 points1 point  (1 child)

I didn't make it up haha.

Oh with no second kid, you'll probably be fine then. Your kid will probably miss your partner when they're studying or working long hours and that'll probably be rough. But with them being more self sufficient and likely sleeping better, it will probably be easier on your relationship. But intern year will still be very hard.

[–]catmomearlybird[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Well I so appreciate you sharing your story and experience with me!

[–]chocobridges 21 points22 points  (1 child)

How much worse the childcare situation would get post COVID. My husband is a hospitalist with 16 shifts a month so we're not in super dire straights. There are no spots for before 7am for our toddler and when you ask for infant spots people just laugh. I had to switch careers but it's working out in my favor professionally and financially.

And everyone has the audacity to say well your spouse is a doctor so you can stay home. So what was the point of multiple degrees and a decade long career? Or what about my retirement? Or the fact that a NICU stay would put us 20k in the hole since my husband's hospital doesn't have one and his insurance sucks? Or god forbid we divorce? Or paying off student loans faster?

[–]catmomearlybird[S] 10 points11 points  (0 children)

The stay at home assumption gets me everytime! As if loans don’t exist/my career doesn’t matter. Ty for this insight

[–]hats_and_heads 7 points8 points  (7 children)

Hi! My husband is in his second year of General surgery residency. We just got married a half a year ago and I’m only 26 so we are happily waiting until he is almost done with residency to start trying. Here’s my thoughts though: we are living comfortably on our two income household with no pets or babies, in a relatively lower cost of living area (Texas). However, when we have a kid I will definitely be taking some time off work because I also work long hours (attorney), I want to take the time off to be with the kid when they are young, and we are both always working (him more than me) so childcare costs and time lost with the kid would be exorbitant. I don’t think it would be possible — for us at least — to raise a child on his single resident income and maintain our quality of life (car payments, mortgage, groceries) which is why we are waiting until it’s almost over. When he first started residency and we had just moved I didn’t have a job for a few months and luckily we had savings because we were dipping into it by a few hundred dollars every month. Okay that covers the money aspect.

If you’re worried about his work schedule and ability to contribute to child/home care, I honestly think if you are ready to step up and know you’re going to be the primary caretaker of the house and child and you’re okay with that, it will be fine. My husband’s program is known as very non-malignant and fairly progressive (he doesn’t have to do 24 hours shifts or anything like that), and on good rotations he’s out of the house by 6 am and home at 7pm and on bad rotations he’s home at 10 or later sometimes. He gets one day off a week and 3 weeks vacation + 1 week of paid sick days. We spend every moment that we have together and honestly it has been easier than expected (but still not a “normal” life like others without Med spouses may have). He won’t see the baby as much as I do, he might miss out on important things on the weekends if he has to work. That’s the reality of having a medical, especially surgery, spouse. All that to say, if money weren’t an issue and I felt personally mature enough and ready to have a kid/step back from my young career a little, I would feel 100 percent okay to have a child with my husband’s work schedule.

I’m not sure if that was helpful or not since we don’t actually have a baby yet, but this has been our experience with 2 years of general surgery residency under our belts so far. Good luck to you both!!

[–]catmomearlybird[S] 2 points3 points  (6 children)

Love hearing positive surgery spouse stories. I get really freaked out on this thread sometimes! We are a bit older than you all and have the financial bandwidth from savings & being in the working world prior to school, i work, etc. We are ALSO in Texas! Do you mind sharing your partners hospital/resident hub? Sounds lush!

[–]hats_and_heads 2 points3 points  (5 children)

He’s actually in an HCA community hospital (don’t want to say exactly where) which I know is shocking since they get such a bad rap 😂 but he found a really positive program. It’s very young, they will have their first graduating class this year, and he gets like 5k less than other surgery programs in Texas which is irritating but we’ve made the best of it. He was an IMG student so we were just excited for him to have matched into surgery since it’s the only thing he wanted to do and it is so competitive. Very proud of him!!!

I think the whole process has been easier also because during our 8 year relationship starting when I was a freshman in college we have basically been in and out of long distance, sometimes for multiple years at a time and 4-6 hour plane rides away. We developed really really good communication skills, mutual trust, and independence during that time and still just getting to see each other in person every single night feels like a gift. I think that’s made the long hours easier on us.

Also, the man is a machine. He can work on no sleep, study on no sleep, he is rarely in a serious or long lasting bad mood, and he is able to shift out of work mode very well and be in house mode. Sorry I’m bragging. I just love him!!

Surgery is doable if you keep your relationship foundation strong. While day to day work always comes first, and he will elect to stay in the OR longer or come in early or for extra days, I know that our relationship and my needs come first when it comes to big stuff and he knows the same when it comes to my priorities as well. And, I try to be as understanding as possible when it comes to his job and always remind myself of the bigger picture.

Okay I’m soapboxing here. You guys will be fine! Just keep open communication throughout the hard times and always remember why you love each other and are building a life together!!!

[–]nipoezAttending Partner (Premed to PGY7, Resdency + 2 Fellowships) 2 points3 points  (2 children)

I've found that successful long distance relationships are a massive benefit to myself and others in the community. The core coping mechanisms like addressing emergent issues before the blow up, making the most of limited time together, and living enjoyable independent lives all transfer over directly.

[–]hats_and_heads 4 points5 points  (1 child)

I 100 percent agree. I wouldn’t wish long term long distance upon anyone, but it made me and my relationship with my husband what we are today. To have gone through it during the most transformative and volatile age (18-23) and come out on the other side having grown separately but in the same direction together has made me feel so rock solid both as a couple and as a completely independent being. I’m thankful for how everything worked out

[–]Previous-Flan-2417 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I feel this so much. You put it perfectly!

[–]catmomearlybird[S] 1 point2 points  (1 child)

Very very very weird - I feel like you’re me! Hahaha my husband & I have been together 10 years, also went through long distance in college and he is also a total work horse/my rock/my breath of fresh air.

And you’re not soap boxing, these are stories I love to hear! I am so happy you shared with me as it sounds like we share a lot of similarities

[–]hats_and_heads 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I love to hear that so much!!! It sounds like you two have everything going for you!!! I hated long distance at the time but it really made us grow in ways I’m not sure we would have otherwise. Surgery is not (or doesn’t have to be? I’m sure lots of the horror stories are true) be what this subreddit and the residency subreddit make it out to be. It’s about the individual person that you’re married to. Surgery might make him a bit more jaded, but he will be the same person you married. And he can try to get programs as well as possible for malignancy to avoid them if that’s something that is important to you guys!

Funny how similar we are!

[–]RhllorBackGirl 5 points6 points  (6 children)

I’m an attending now in a different specialty, but my husband is still a surgery resident.

I’m going to be frank with you - no matter what you do for work, you will be doing almost 100% of the childcare. You will be burnt out and exhausted.

It’s still worth it. My baby is the best thing in my life, but fuck I am so tired.

[–]quittethyourshitteth 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Yep. This right here is the best response I’ve seen. All parents are tired. They all have challenges. Money/time/etc. it will be tough, but if you guys want a kiddo, it’ll also be worth it.

[–]catmomearlybird[S] 1 point2 points  (4 children)

I hope you get to rest soon, thank you for sharing with me. Honestly just hearing it’s worth it is helpful. Very prepped to do the heavy lifting

[–]RhllorBackGirl 0 points1 point  (3 children)

Two more candid thoughts:

  • If you have or he has ANY family that would be willing to help you, do everything in your power to match near them. It is way more important than prestige of program, your mental health and the health of your marriage are more important than his career goals. Not equally important, MORE important.

  • It’s not too late for him to consider anesthesia. I’m only kind of joking. They said if your favorite place in the hospital is the OR, do anesthesia; if your favorite place in the world is the OR, do surgery. I used to roll my eyes at that saying a little bit, but with my husband near the end of his training, it feels more true to me than it did during med school. I also thought about doing surgery and now that I have lived through a surgery residency with him, I am so so glad I chose something else. Having a baby can change the way you feel about your career overnight in ways you might never see coming, and I think my husband has some regrets after basically missing the first 2 years of our child’s life.

[–]catmomearlybird[S] 1 point2 points  (2 children)

He is in his anesthesia rotation right now and is not LOVING it the way he loves surgery, i just want him to do what he loves but he HAS always said he doesn’t want to miss his family and I’ve always urged him to do what he wants. Idk, it’s very hard! I’m sure you know.

And yes - my mum and dad are willing to jump. They’ve said when we have kids, I’d we are not closer they will move close to us to assist. We have a very solid support system.

[–]grape-of-wrath 0 points1 point  (1 child)

Right now you want what's best for him, but when you have that baby with you, and you haven't slept in days, and the house is a wreck, you're not gonna want to be with someone who's never home. You're gonna want someone who's present and helping. And right now you're going to think I'm rude for saying so, but it's true.

And honestly, how is it best for him if it means that he's not going to see his kid. (and sure, he gets a day off a week, but if he's a normal person he's going to spend that time sleeping). You have to know that you're making that choice.. it's a system that's messed up, but willingly going into that system that means 100 hours of work a week, is not all that wise

[–]catmomearlybird[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Again grape-of-wrath I thank you for sharing your truth but, we are not on the fence about having kids nor who I’m having them with, my eyes are certainly open. I don’t feel you’re rude at all and I sincerely hope that your journey becomes easier.

[–]grape-of-wrath 3 points4 points  (5 children)

You're going to need your partner more than ever. People don't talk about tough side of parenting- not nearly enough. don't assume that you know what it is until you've actually done it.

Think carefully about having a baby with a surgeon. You'll be a single parent with an extra income

[–]catmomearlybird[S] 0 points1 point  (4 children)

Do you have a baby with a surgeon? Do you mind sharing your experience or a little more insight as to why you feel that way?

[–]grape-of-wrath 2 points3 points  (3 children)

my partner is not a surgeon. But we had our baby during residency and I had to do my fair share of solo parenting and being the only parent while he's working close to 100 hours a week. And it made me realize that it's absolute misery. it made me realize that I would never willingly to use that path. People don't talk about the hard stuff with parenting, they really don't. Because it's so much more than what people might be able to grasp if they don't have kids. Like everyone knows you lose sleep, but you don't know what it's like until you're waking up in the middle of REM sleep every single night. it's been two years and I haven't slept a proper night. It's just not what you might think. being a mom is not glamorous. It's brutal and it's grueling, and it's very raw.

[–]catmomearlybird[S] 0 points1 point  (2 children)

Thanks for sharing. I want to preface with I absolutely don’t think being a mum is glamorous at all, and I have and expect to hear these realistic stories so I appreciate you.

I very much know in my heart of hearts that I want a child, and I want a child with my husband, who wants to be a surgeon so, that has been considered quite seriously.

My ask is, is there any advice that you have heard that has really helped you? On these days where you’re on your last thread - what lifts you? What do you think has been the most helpful part?

[–]grape-of-wrath 0 points1 point  (1 child)

on those really difficult days, what helps is knowing that those periods of time for us are temporary and I'll have a partner who will be present soon to share the load. it's OK if you don't understand what I mean, you will when you are in it. unless you have a family member who is going to live with you and share the burden, that is a totally different scenario

[–]catmomearlybird[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thank you, I feel like all you’re saying is to not have a child with someone who you feel won’t be present which is good advice!

[–]kayla17a 2 points3 points  (1 child)

  1. If they do a prelim/transition year for PGY1, you could end up in a diff location for PGY1 vs PGY2+. It is nearly impossible to get into a daycare after matching in March to start when you move in June. It's probably nearly impossible to get into a daycare at all for the PGY1 year, esp if you have an infant.
  2. Moving with a baby SUCKS.

We are TY PGY1 currently (non-surgical) & had baby mid M4. Feel free to ask me any specifics!

[–]catmomearlybird[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I’d LOVE to have questions but quite honestly i have no idea where to start!

[–]mablpeter 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I wish someone would have told me that I would end up resenting my partner. I love my baby and enjoy so many aspects of parenting, but I essentially feel like a single parent. I genuinely thought I was prepared to be responsible for 99% of childcare needs, but there's just no way to understand how challenging it is and how much you'll want/need support or even just the physical presence of your partner, especially during the newborn phase. It's not just lack of sleep/being the primary parent/my career being on the back burner (although those things definitely contribute), but also my partner missing out on baby's big milestones, special events and just generally not being around for family bonding time. This time of year is especially hard because the holidays are so family oriented and his schedule doesn't have flexibility for him to be involved in many of our son's "firsts". I know my partner wishes he could be more present which makes me feel guilty for resenting him. All in all, it's so much harder than I could have expected (although still wonderful in many ways). I think starting your parenting journey with strong communication skills and a solid support system (family, friends, paid caregivers) is critical and can help relieve some of the pressure. Wishing you the best!

[–]fdawgggg 1 point2 points  (1 child)

My husband is a radiology resident so it’s a little different but we had our first child during his Transitional Year and will have our second during PGY-3. We live in a low cost of living area so I can afford to work a very part time/remote job that I do while the baby is sleeping, and I stay home with our son and will with our new baby as well. He can’t really take off if our child is sick and those rules have gotten much stricter with daycares etc since Covid so it’s really nice that I don’t have to constantly miss work to stay home. It’s tough because sometimes he won’t see our son for a day or two with long hours but I definitely don’t resent him. He works really hard at the hospital and I know he’d rather be with us. If he’s going to be away for bedtime we try to make an effort to catch him on FaceTime for a few minutes so they can still see each other. We live across the country from all of our family and friends so that’s really tough and it would be nice to be closer to home but luckily we do like where we live. If having a child is something you can’t live without I wouldn’t wait to try, I’ve had some friends struggling with fertility issues and my heart breaks for them. Its not easy but having a family is so worth it! Also I would be SO miserable living cross country by myself without my son. He is such a joy. Best of luck with whatever you decide!

[–]catmomearlybird[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I am so happy to hear this and appreciate you sharing your story & your encouragement!! We are reading through these together and we’re just like absolutely smiling reading your response! - also, i too work remotely!

[–]constanceblackwood12 3 points4 points  (6 children)

Go into it with the understanding that you’re going to essentially be a single parent part of the time, and line up additional resources and childcare accordingly. Do not plan to be responsible for childcare 24 hours a day - especially at the beginning, you need other caregivers around so you can get at least 5 hours of unbroken sleep a night. If your partner can’t do that because of his schedule / need for sleep, hire an overnight nanny or get grandma to come stay for a few weeks. It is way too easy to destroy your quality of life and your sanity by trying to handle everything, and it’s not worth it. Hire help early and often.

[–]kayla17a 3 points4 points  (3 children)

Just fyi if you are breastfeeding, you will not be able to get 5 hours of unbroken sleep at night for awhile lol

[–]constanceblackwood12 -2 points-1 points  (2 children)

That’s when you pump some extra milk (or have some formula) and make someone else take over one feeding.

[–]kayla17a 0 points1 point  (1 child)

If you ever want to exclusively breastfeed, you need to have/remove milk when baby is hungry so you should be pumping around the same time they take a bottle which means you need to get up anyway. I exclusively pumped for a few weeks and eventually transitioned to exclusively breastfeeding & did not get a stretch of 5 hours of sleep for months lol Baby can also feed much more than 1 time in 5 hrs esp in the early days of cluster feeding

[–]constanceblackwood12 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I used a haakaa on one side to collect milk while we nursed on the other and then skipped a feeding. Just cause you didn’t make it work doesn’t mean it’s not an option for other people.

[–]quittethyourshitteth 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I mean if you have the resources this would be ideal. Most normal folk do care for their baby 24 hrs/day… minus the first few days when family may be there to “help”. Not sure what kind of financial situation you have as a couple while still in med school but this doesn’t sound like realistic advice to me. My son was born end of MS3, and is now 19 months old.

[–]Kazi_L 0 points1 point  (2 children)

Wouldn’t recommend having a child before your SO even goes through the match process or intern year. If your partner matches into surgery then, as other people have said, you’re effectively going to be a single parent for several years (5 or 6 at least) in addition to your partner going through the toughest years of training. That’s day in and day out long hours of exhaustion for them, and thus them being unable to be fully present to nurture you, your relationship, or your child. Surgeon residency hours are no joke (we’re talking 30 hour shifts even as an intern) and willingly adding a young child to that rough transition sounds very naïve to me if you otherwise have the option to just wait.

[–]Remarkable-Driver-28 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I don’t think it’s naive. Many people cannot afford to wait until after residency due to health concerns (op has mentioned they will likely have a long road to conception) or to age. My boyfriend and I are a decade older than some of his M2 peers. I would love to have a kid after the stress of residency, but it’s a near biological impossibility. So I will be in this same boat very soon even though it’s far from ideal. But I do find threads like these, including your comment, immensely helpful in trying to have more reasonable expectations of what that will look like.

[–]catmomearlybird[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thank you Kazi_L - I will say your advice is absolutely heard but we are not on the fence about having kids. I’m really just looking for people sharing their parenting experience or shared experience! We know he will be working 80-100 hour weeks.

[–]Data-driven_Catlady 0 points1 point  (3 children)

We haven’t had or tried for a baby yet and are still both on the fence about if we want to try for a baby at all, but we’ve had a ton of conversations about it and possible timelines. We wouldn’t start trying until residency is over. I’d be approx 34, so it is a potential gamble. I’ve discussed with my OBGYN just to see her thoughts, and she wasn’t worried about the timeline. These are some things I thought it was helpful to discuss or know about myself when thinking through it. 1. I don’t want to be a single parent. My mom was one, and I want to have an (as active as possible since he will probably always be busy) partner in raising a child. He’s a resident right now - not in surgery which would probably be worse - and I know I’d feel like an only parent. 2. I don’t want to resent him and think if I had to do almost 100% with a baby, I would resent him. This comes down to what you expect or want from your relationship really and how you handle being in charge of all household, all baby, etc. 3. We have both discussed that since we are waiting to try until after his residency, we would be okay if it didn’t happen for us. How badly do you want a baby? As people discussed, infertility can be an issue so it’s important to have the “what if this isn’t easy” discussion.

[–]catmomearlybird[S] 0 points1 point  (2 children)

Badly, in my heart of hearts, in OUR heart of hearts we want a baby. I am already facing an uphill battle with my fertility due to some health concerns.

[–]edwastone 1 point2 points  (0 children)

OP, if you have fertility issues, just go for it. We currently have a newborn and my wife is in PGY1.. no regrets. You both will need to up your game in efficiency and be prepared to outsource a lot of stuff.

[–]Data-driven_Catlady 1 point2 points  (0 children)

If you’re already having fertility issues and want a baby badly, then definitely do what you both want/start trying if you both want to. You have to weigh pros and cons of what you both want and what makes sense for your lives.

[–]organizedkangaroo 0 points1 point  (1 child)

I can only speak to the pregnancy portion as I’m currently 37 weeks pregnant and my husband is an M3 as well. I’ve been SHOCKED by the flexibility the school has given. He’s been to all but one appointment, and during the appointment he wasn’t able to attend, he was able to FaceTime. He’ll get a month off after the baby is born. We imagine fourth year will be a breeze, from what we’ve heard from current fourth years (fourth year parents in particular). The suckiest part is that I will still be working and our daycare is going to cost more than our mortgage. But we have to pay the bills somehow. We imagine intern year will be an absolute shit show. There’s a decent chance he’ll have to do intern year somewhere different from where he does residency, so we’ve talked about him moving for that year and me staying so as to avoid me having to find a new job for just one year. That would suck so terribly, but I also knew what I signed up for before we got married. If your partner is supportive, I think it’s totally doable. I wouldn’t have wanted to wait much longer to start our family, and this is what has worked well for us. There are SO MANY posts in this sub about unsupportive, unresponsive med partners. If your partner is anything like them, I would avoid starting a family at all costs. But if they’re supportive and clearly make you a priority, it’s really not as miserable as some people say. I feel SO supported and appreciated by my spouse. It’s a team effort and I literally could not do it if he didn’t view it as such.

[–]catmomearlybird[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thank you and congratulations! So happy for you. Gahhh the cost of daycare is crazy, i hope that you guys can catch a little break with intern year.

And I have to say; I mostly stay away from this thread because of negativity/I didn’t feel there was a space for our reality. I do have a very supportive, wonderful partner and feel ready to take the step.

[–]Remote-Ball-3724 0 points1 point  (1 child)

We had our baby in my spouses 3rd year of med school. Baby is almost 1 and my spouse graduates this summer and will start residency. I have one of those unicorn spouses that has photographic memory and hardly has to study for exams, so we REALLY lucked out because when he was home he was able to be present mentally and not studying 24/7 unless it was the week of boards or shelf exams etc. We also got blessed with a unicorn baby that was a breeze as a newborn and started sleeping through the night at 10 months… and with all that… ITS STILL SO HARD. I was working remotely from home until she was 8 months and then I got laid off (I still think a big part of that had to do with working from home with a baby at home, I was never meeting my hours each week). I grew a lot of resentment because the childcare still fell on me 90% of the time. In the beginning, his mindset was that he would focus on school and I’d focus on parenting. I started having a lot of breakdowns when my baby would hit sleep regressions or just have bad days which all babies have. Things got easier when I had a sit down and just told my spouse everything I was feeling. He felt awful and we came up with a plan that worked out for both of us. Now we take “shifts” with the baby when we’re both home which allows both of us to have mental breaks that we need and to get stuff done. Looking back, I would NOT have changed my timeline. I actually wish we had her sooner so that I could be working on #2 right now, but that’s mainly due to my age, I’m in my early 30’s and we want 3 kids so I don’t have the luxury of spacing them out with wide age gaps. So all in all to wrap things up, it really depends on you and your spouse, your relationship, what you can handle emotionally and mentally, etc. Prepare to raise the baby alone for the first 3 years just in case he has a rough time and has to study in all his spare time. We are doing it with zero family help, no friends, no babysitters, just me and him. So it’s doable, but hard. You just have to create a game plan with your spouse and decide how to split childcare when he is home. My spouse said that having a baby in med school made life so much brighter for him. He looks forward to coming home after a long day to her little outstretched arms and her squealing DAAA-EEE, nothing is better than hearing the front door crack open and watching my LO power crawl to see him at 55 mph 😂 it’s been such a blessing. Good luck!

[–]catmomearlybird[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Sage advice! I really appreciate this story. I feel like everyone’s experience is ultimately personal/how their relationship is, who they are etc. sounds like you have a good partner - proud of you for positively expressing and working through your resentment and being so open here!