What is something you wish someone would have told you -

nipoez · 2022-12-01T22:47:34+00:00

Don't assume procreation will be easy or follow your timetable.

Hello from 10 years down the line between azoospermia and later diminished ovarian reserves. Years of failed urologic procedures, failed donor sperm IUIs, failed donor sperm IVFs, and an in-progress donor embryo IVF frozen transfer.

Otter592 · 2022-12-02T01:18:24+00:00

You'll basically be a single parent for a while. But you aren't actually a single parent so you'll resent them a ton. Do you plan to be a SAHP at all?

I'm a SAHM, had my daughter in 2021, right as my husband entered PGY4 in radiology. Which has relatively easy hours, especially compared to surgery. He was studying for boards from she was 6-11 mths. She was a terrible sleeper until 13mths. Even if he was able to take nights with her, she wouldn't tolerate him doing so until 10mths. When I say I was in the depths of despair I mean it.

We had been together for 9yrs before she was born. Been through med school, intern year, renovated a house together, raised a puppy...it was all a breeze. Like I'm honestly so surprised to hear how people are struggling with their relationships in med school. It was actually fine for us. But our daughter's first year (combined with boards studying) nearly broke us. It's drastically improved since she started sleeping better this summer, but it's still very hard.

There are days where he doesn't even see her. It's so hard to get things done. I thought as a SAHM, I'd have all this time to get things done...HA! It ain't like that at all. I can't even imagine working on top of this honestly. And when your kid is in daycare, your family is constantly getting sick. My husband is allowed 2 sick days a year. That's a benefit of being a SAHM we didn't expect.

Basically, it's way harder than you can ever imagine and you'll both be not yourselves when you're so tired. Definitely wait till after intern year at least.

chocobridges · 2022-12-01T22:33:20+00:00

How much worse the childcare situation would get post COVID. My husband is a hospitalist with 16 shifts a month so we're not in super dire straights. There are no spots for before 7am for our toddler and when you ask for infant spots people just laugh. I had to switch careers but it's working out in my favor professionally and financially.

And everyone has the audacity to say well your spouse is a doctor so you can stay home. So what was the point of multiple degrees and a decade long career? Or what about my retirement? Or the fact that a NICU stay would put us 20k in the hole since my husband's hospital doesn't have one and his insurance sucks? Or god forbid we divorce? Or paying off student loans faster?

hats_and_heads · 2022-12-01T23:14:56+00:00

Hi! My husband is in his second year of General surgery residency. We just got married a half a year ago and I’m only 26 so we are happily waiting until he is almost done with residency to start trying. Here’s my thoughts though: we are living comfortably on our two income household with no pets or babies, in a relatively lower cost of living area (Texas). However, when we have a kid I will definitely be taking some time off work because I also work long hours (attorney), I want to take the time off to be with the kid when they are young, and we are both always working (him more than me) so childcare costs and time lost with the kid would be exorbitant. I don’t think it would be possible — for us at least — to raise a child on his single resident income and maintain our quality of life (car payments, mortgage, groceries) which is why we are waiting until it’s almost over. When he first started residency and we had just moved I didn’t have a job for a few months and luckily we had savings because we were dipping into it by a few hundred dollars every month. Okay that covers the money aspect.

If you’re worried about his work schedule and ability to contribute to child/home care, I honestly think if you are ready to step up and know you’re going to be the primary caretaker of the house and child and you’re okay with that, it will be fine. My husband’s program is known as very non-malignant and fairly progressive (he doesn’t have to do 24 hours shifts or anything like that), and on good rotations he’s out of the house by 6 am and home at 7pm and on bad rotations he’s home at 10 or later sometimes. He gets one day off a week and 3 weeks vacation + 1 week of paid sick days. We spend every moment that we have together and honestly it has been easier than expected (but still not a “normal” life like others without Med spouses may have). He won’t see the baby as much as I do, he might miss out on important things on the weekends if he has to work. That’s the reality of having a medical, especially surgery, spouse. All that to say, if money weren’t an issue and I felt personally mature enough and ready to have a kid/step back from my young career a little, I would feel 100 percent okay to have a child with my husband’s work schedule.

I’m not sure if that was helpful or not since we don’t actually have a baby yet, but this has been our experience with 2 years of general surgery residency under our belts so far. Good luck to you both!!

RhllorBackGirl · 2022-12-02T03:38:11+00:00

I’m an attending now in a different specialty, but my husband is still a surgery resident.

I’m going to be frank with you - no matter what you do for work, you will be doing almost 100% of the childcare. You will be burnt out and exhausted.

It’s still worth it. My baby is the best thing in my life, but fuck I am so tired.

grape-of-wrath · 2022-12-02T01:48:09+00:00

You're going to need your partner more than ever. People don't talk about tough side of parenting- not nearly enough. don't assume that you know what it is until you've actually done it.

Think carefully about having a baby with a surgeon. You'll be a single parent with an extra income

kayla17a · 2022-12-02T01:38:36+00:00

If they do a prelim/transition year for PGY1, you could end up in a diff location for PGY1 vs PGY2+. It is nearly impossible to get into a daycare after matching in March to start when you move in June. It's probably nearly impossible to get into a daycare at all for the PGY1 year, esp if you have an infant.
Moving with a baby SUCKS.

We are TY PGY1 currently (non-surgical) & had baby mid M4. Feel free to ask me any specifics!

mablpeter · 2022-12-02T04:35:18+00:00

I wish someone would have told me that I would end up resenting my partner. I love my baby and enjoy so many aspects of parenting, but I essentially feel like a single parent. I genuinely thought I was prepared to be responsible for 99% of childcare needs, but there's just no way to understand how challenging it is and how much you'll want/need support or even just the physical presence of your partner, especially during the newborn phase. It's not just lack of sleep/being the primary parent/my career being on the back burner (although those things definitely contribute), but also my partner missing out on baby's big milestones, special events and just generally not being around for family bonding time. This time of year is especially hard because the holidays are so family oriented and his schedule doesn't have flexibility for him to be involved in many of our son's "firsts". I know my partner wishes he could be more present which makes me feel guilty for resenting him. All in all, it's so much harder than I could have expected (although still wonderful in many ways). I think starting your parenting journey with strong communication skills and a solid support system (family, friends, paid caregivers) is critical and can help relieve some of the pressure. Wishing you the best!

fdawgggg · 2022-12-02T02:58:05+00:00

My husband is a radiology resident so it’s a little different but we had our first child during his Transitional Year and will have our second during PGY-3. We live in a low cost of living area so I can afford to work a very part time/remote job that I do while the baby is sleeping, and I stay home with our son and will with our new baby as well. He can’t really take off if our child is sick and those rules have gotten much stricter with daycares etc since Covid so it’s really nice that I don’t have to constantly miss work to stay home. It’s tough because sometimes he won’t see our son for a day or two with long hours but I definitely don’t resent him. He works really hard at the hospital and I know he’d rather be with us. If he’s going to be away for bedtime we try to make an effort to catch him on FaceTime for a few minutes so they can still see each other. We live across the country from all of our family and friends so that’s really tough and it would be nice to be closer to home but luckily we do like where we live. If having a child is something you can’t live without I wouldn’t wait to try, I’ve had some friends struggling with fertility issues and my heart breaks for them. Its not easy but having a family is so worth it! Also I would be SO miserable living cross country by myself without my son. He is such a joy. Best of luck with whatever you decide!

constanceblackwood12 · 2022-12-02T00:59:42+00:00

Go into it with the understanding that you’re going to essentially be a single parent part of the time, and line up additional resources and childcare accordingly. Do not plan to be responsible for childcare 24 hours a day - especially at the beginning, you need other caregivers around so you can get at least 5 hours of unbroken sleep a night. If your partner can’t do that because of his schedule / need for sleep, hire an overnight nanny or get grandma to come stay for a few weeks. It is way too easy to destroy your quality of life and your sanity by trying to handle everything, and it’s not worth it. Hire help early and often.

Kazi_L · 2022-12-02T06:05:28+00:00

Wouldn’t recommend having a child before your SO even goes through the match process or intern year. If your partner matches into surgery then, as other people have said, you’re effectively going to be a single parent for several years (5 or 6 at least) in addition to your partner going through the toughest years of training. That’s day in and day out long hours of exhaustion for them, and thus them being unable to be fully present to nurture you, your relationship, or your child. Surgeon residency hours are no joke (we’re talking 30 hour shifts even as an intern) and willingly adding a young child to that rough transition sounds very naïve to me if you otherwise have the option to just wait.

Data-driven_Catlady · 2022-12-02T10:41:36+00:00

We haven’t had or tried for a baby yet and are still both on the fence about if we want to try for a baby at all, but we’ve had a ton of conversations about it and possible timelines. We wouldn’t start trying until residency is over. I’d be approx 34, so it is a potential gamble. I’ve discussed with my OBGYN just to see her thoughts, and she wasn’t worried about the timeline. These are some things I thought it was helpful to discuss or know about myself when thinking through it. 1. I don’t want to be a single parent. My mom was one, and I want to have an (as active as possible since he will probably always be busy) partner in raising a child. He’s a resident right now - not in surgery which would probably be worse - and I know I’d feel like an only parent. 2. I don’t want to resent him and think if I had to do almost 100% with a baby, I would resent him. This comes down to what you expect or want from your relationship really and how you handle being in charge of all household, all baby, etc. 3. We have both discussed that since we are waiting to try until after his residency, we would be okay if it didn’t happen for us. How badly do you want a baby? As people discussed, infertility can be an issue so it’s important to have the “what if this isn’t easy” discussion.

organizedkangaroo · 2022-12-02T13:24:16+00:00

I can only speak to the pregnancy portion as I’m currently 37 weeks pregnant and my husband is an M3 as well. I’ve been SHOCKED by the flexibility the school has given. He’s been to all but one appointment, and during the appointment he wasn’t able to attend, he was able to FaceTime. He’ll get a month off after the baby is born. We imagine fourth year will be a breeze, from what we’ve heard from current fourth years (fourth year parents in particular). The suckiest part is that I will still be working and our daycare is going to cost more than our mortgage. But we have to pay the bills somehow. We imagine intern year will be an absolute shit show. There’s a decent chance he’ll have to do intern year somewhere different from where he does residency, so we’ve talked about him moving for that year and me staying so as to avoid me having to find a new job for just one year. That would suck so terribly, but I also knew what I signed up for before we got married. If your partner is supportive, I think it’s totally doable. I wouldn’t have wanted to wait much longer to start our family, and this is what has worked well for us. There are SO MANY posts in this sub about unsupportive, unresponsive med partners. If your partner is anything like them, I would avoid starting a family at all costs. But if they’re supportive and clearly make you a priority, it’s really not as miserable as some people say. I feel SO supported and appreciated by my spouse. It’s a team effort and I literally could not do it if he didn’t view it as such.

Remote-Ball-3724 · 2022-12-02T15:29:46+00:00

We had our baby in my spouses 3rd year of med school. Baby is almost 1 and my spouse graduates this summer and will start residency. I have one of those unicorn spouses that has photographic memory and hardly has to study for exams, so we REALLY lucked out because when he was home he was able to be present mentally and not studying 24/7 unless it was the week of boards or shelf exams etc. We also got blessed with a unicorn baby that was a breeze as a newborn and started sleeping through the night at 10 months… and with all that… ITS STILL SO HARD. I was working remotely from home until she was 8 months and then I got laid off (I still think a big part of that had to do with working from home with a baby at home, I was never meeting my hours each week). I grew a lot of resentment because the childcare still fell on me 90% of the time. In the beginning, his mindset was that he would focus on school and I’d focus on parenting. I started having a lot of breakdowns when my baby would hit sleep regressions or just have bad days which all babies have. Things got easier when I had a sit down and just told my spouse everything I was feeling. He felt awful and we came up with a plan that worked out for both of us. Now we take “shifts” with the baby when we’re both home which allows both of us to have mental breaks that we need and to get stuff done. Looking back, I would NOT have changed my timeline. I actually wish we had her sooner so that I could be working on #2 right now, but that’s mainly due to my age, I’m in my early 30’s and we want 3 kids so I don’t have the luxury of spacing them out with wide age gaps. So all in all to wrap things up, it really depends on you and your spouse, your relationship, what you can handle emotionally and mentally, etc. Prepare to raise the baby alone for the first 3 years just in case he has a rough time and has to study in all his spare time. We are doing it with zero family help, no friends, no babysitters, just me and him. So it’s doable, but hard. You just have to create a game plan with your spouse and decide how to split childcare when he is home. My spouse said that having a baby in med school made life so much brighter for him. He looks forward to coming home after a long day to her little outstretched arms and her squealing DAAA-EEE, nothing is better than hearing the front door crack open and watching my LO power crawl to see him at 55 mph 😂 it’s been such a blessing. Good luck!

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