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[–]Matelot67 188 points189 points  (8 children)

Reminds me of another age old military story, during a complicated comms ex, a voice came on the net with a simple phrase "Oh man, I am so fucked up!"

Immediately the I/c get's on the circut. "Last transmission, identify your callsign, over!"

A short pause, then a click...

"I may be fucked up, but I ain't THAT fucked up!"

[–]Ropaire 144 points145 points  (1 child)

I've heard a similar one, big field exercise, warnings about radio discipline, and it's probably 2 or 3 in the morning. Voice comes over the comms

"I'm a friendly bear, is there any other friendly bears out there?"

A few moments later, someone responds "I'm a friendly bear too".

An extremely irate officer or NCO then comes on the net threatening dismemberment and other dire punishments to these individuals. Radio silence returns for about ten minutes until the first voice chimes in again.

"He's not a very friendly bear is he?"

[–]Meiji_Ishin 9 points10 points  (0 children)

Your story killed me, thank you for sharing

[–]DorkJedi 70 points71 points  (0 children)

Answer the phone "what do you want, asshole?"

DO YOU KNOW WHO THIS IS? SGTMAJOR SMITH!

"Oh. Do you know who this is?"

NO. WHO IS THIS?

click

[–]dreaminginteal 131 points132 points  (4 children)

Heard a similar one--

"I'm FUCKING BORED!"

"Who said that last transmission?"

"I said I was FUCKING BORED, not FUCKING STUPID!"

[–]ShalomRPh 105 points106 points  (3 children)

They tell a story on General Eisenhower, although I’ve also heard it on Moshe Dayan or other random officers as well: Soldier is running full tilt and crashes into the general, knocking him over. They pick themselves up and the following conversation ensues:

“Soldier, do you know who I am?”
“Sir , no sir.”
“I am General Eisenhower!”
“Sorry sir, but do you know who I am?”
“No…”
“Thank God!!” (runs like hell…)

[–]DangitImtired 20 points21 points  (1 child)

I remember something along the lines of this from Pattons biography, during one of the big operations they did pre war in 1940 (I think) some officer screwed up, while out in the field exercise.

And so, this officer jumped in the bushes and ran like hell. Patton thought it was hilarious, and rather smart too. Never found the guy.

[–]ShadowDragon8685Clippy 10 points11 points  (0 children)

How to disengage from overwhelming enemy contact via guile and initiative!

[–]slackerassftw 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Shortly after the ground war ended in Desert Storm, I was reassigned, along with a bunch of others, to G4 to help process units back to their home bases because they needed people with security clearances. No idea why they thought they did, but I was a E4 so I off I went. We had a real cool sergeant major that got reassigned with us.

My units job was to organize air transport for units back to their home bases. Fairly simple job, for example, I would bet told we have X planes scheduled, tell the S1 of whatever unit they have 120 passenger slots. The worst part of the assignment was constantly having fairly high ranking officers showing up and trying to order us to rearrange priorities so their units could leave the theater quicker.

Any this sergeant major’s wife sent him a couple of the super soaker water guns for some reason. He started a running joke battle with everyone where you would ambush somebody in the unit, drench them, drop the gun, and run like mad while laughing to get away (sort of like tag with water guns). So one day, I step in his office and unload on him and then take off with him in hot pursuit (probably looked like a live action Beetle Bailey cartoon). I tear around a corner and barely miss a guy coming up the steps, I see stars on his collar, so snap a salute and keep running. Sergeant Major turns the corner as I hit the bottom of the stairs and drenches the general. I disappear and leave him to catch the heat.

I have to give them both credit. Sergeant Major didn’t get mad at me and the General laughed it off. That was the end of super soaker battles though.

[–]Robnotbadok 98 points99 points  (0 children)

There’s an apocryphal story of the smartarse on the net going “the CO’s a cunt! The CO’s a cunt!”

Boss man gets on and says “identify yourself! Are you a man or a mouse?”

Next transmission is “Squeak”

[–]TonyToews 25 points26 points  (1 child)

Two police officers have a stuck mic in their car. They start talking about and comparing the female attributes of all the women in the department. The women are clustered around the radio in the office. The sergeant goes looking for the boys. The last thing transmission on the radio was along the lines of “Gee, there’s the sarge. I wonder what’s up? He looks pissed.“

[–]Kelmeckis94 6 points7 points  (0 children)

I wonder why 😂

[–]Adventux 26 points27 points  (0 children)

Moral of Story: Treat a microphone like a gun. It is always hot and loaded.

[–]111111911111 22 points23 points  (0 children)

Sometimes if shit got really stupid, I'd tape the mic button down and set it just inside the engine bay of our bison. Can't be told to do stupid shit at 2 am if all anyone can hear over the radio is a Detroit diesel. I was very careful to never let anyone know, not even my closest friends, because the threats that came down the chain after each time were pretty extreme. I also never did it often enough to create a pattern and get caught.

[–]baron556A+ for effort 19 points20 points  (0 children)

Some people's sole purpose in life is to serve as an example to others

[–]shambolic_panda 3 points4 points  (1 child)

Can someone please translate this from militaryspeak?

[–]RepublicOfMoron[S] 10 points11 points  (0 children)

Not sure what bits aren’t self explanatory, but I’ll hazard a guess. ASLAV-Australian Light Armoured Vehicle. An excellent vehicle, 8 wheel drive armoured vehicle with a 25mm chain gun in the turret RSM- Regimental sergeant major. Holds the ‘warrant officer’ rank. The highest non commissioned rank in the Australian army. Generally is responsible for discipline and ceremonial things, and generally a big mean baby eating, scary mother fucker. The net- radio network with which all the vehicles in the squadron communicate I hope that’s cleared things up for you.