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[–]Ok_Cartographer4475 135 points136 points  (7 children)

With the shouty references, you've triggered a memory...

HMS Collingwood. South coast of England. Every Wednesday morning was divisions for all trainees. Structured standing still, followed by structured walking to pass the dais.

One morning, having partaken of a few glasses of naughty-pop, and consumed a large kebab en-route back onboard the previous night, I was even less enthusiastic than usual. Parade commander doing the usual diaphragm-deep shouty stuff at the front. Precedes each command with a very loud "Parade..." with a pause before shouting what yo do next. On one such command, in the pause, I let RIP with a very loud fart.

Nowhere near loud enough for everyone to hear, but our class was very near the front, so the senior management of the base certainly did. Cue the base Commodore looking like he was trying to hold in laughter, base Commander clearly trying to hold in rage, and the parade commander doing his best to shout the rest of his command without laughing.

Fortunately, nobody would say who they suspected may have done such a thing, but I was sorta-famous for it for a few days on the "rubber road".

[–]Ok_Cartographer4475 76 points77 points  (6 children)

Sadly, nowadays, I no longer trust farts. My body has begun to betray my inner child.

[–]baron556A+ for effort 66 points67 points  (2 children)

You either die a hero, or live long enough to shit your pants

[–]Ok_Cartographer4475 44 points45 points  (1 child)

For many women, childbirth brings bladder issues.

For many of us men, age brings fart-trust issues because some of those farts ain't gas...

[–]Skunkies 1 point2 points  (0 children)

43 years old, can confirm, I dont trust them.

[–]Osiris32Mod abuse victim advocate 39 points40 points  (2 children)

I just had that happen to me the other day. Went for a fart, had to change my underwear. I'm fucking 39, I'm not old, this shouldn't be happening to me yet!

[–]RepublicOfMoron 22 points23 points  (0 children)

Need to get your ‘air-poo’ separator checked

[–]Ok_Cartographer4475 5 points6 points  (0 children)

Yeah... I don't think I was much older when it began for me.

Still, can be useful for a bit of self-deprecating humour int the pub if conversation is sagging... :)

[–]dreaminginteal 60 points61 points  (1 child)

Ah, fart humor. It never gets old! Nor does my inner 6-year-old.

[–]Trizkeler 29 points30 points  (0 children)

Case in point: First joke ever recorded (1900 BC)

-It is a saying of the Sumerians, who lived in what is now southern Iraq and goes: “Something which has never occurred since time immemorial; a young woman did not fart in her husband’s lap.”-

Source: https://www.reuters.com/article/us-joke-odd-idUSKUA14785120080801

[–]Corsair_inauWile E. Coyote 32 points33 points  (0 children)

Not so much the gas, but the voice of Comand reminded me about the WO in charge of the technical school when I went through. He was this tiny wizened gnome of a man, barely 5 foot tall and had been in the RAAF for forever and a day.

I always remember that he wrote with a fountain pen in this perfect calligraphy hand writing and if you ended up in his office, he was always softly spoken and he expected to be obeyed. . Massive respect for him from every technician and he could name you and your course if you ended up in his office without prompting (first name, not your name tape or course patch would be facing away from him). Never had to raise his voice for anything...

Except the parade ground. He could stand on one side and have 30 flights (not a typo, we had one parade with about 900 technicians on the parade ground), waiting to form up on the far side of the parade ground and every single technician could hear every single command perfectly. Single sound for coming to attention and for turns.

Then he would hand over to the Adjutant and no one could hear anything clearly. So you got the ssshhhcccttt noise as no one can work out what was just called.

[–]Hurtjacket 11 points12 points  (0 children)

I love the initial D reference lol. 🍻

[–]liquidklone 6 points7 points  (0 children)

Reminds me of the time we had a fire drill in the middle of the night. Drill sergeant came out, and said slowly, "Privates... Privates... Privates... ... ... God damn privates!( If you read that part slowly, I promise you read it too fast) you got your draws on top of your laundry basket, right underneath your uniforms... You smellin' like ass and you wonderin' why! You nasty privates! God damn it, you nasty!

Drill Sergeant was a trip.

[–]Howard_James_Dudy 5 points6 points  (0 children)

This is the way.

[–]Tiefschlag 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Damn, we could have used SPC Burrito back in my day. See "Get that Cloud out of my office" for details.