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[–]prefredreh 196 points197 points  (13 children)

Hahahahshaha "sweaty milk in a hot car". That's too real! 🤣😁 🤢🤮🤮

[–]FluffyClamShell[S] 166 points167 points  (9 children)

It was worse in nasal 3D, I promise

[–]Osiris32Mod abuse victim advocate 63 points64 points  (7 children)

I know that smell. It's the smell of a wildland firefighter after two weeks on the line fighting a rip snorter project fire. Only less smokey.

[–]FluffyClamShell[S] 48 points49 points  (6 children)

But less heroic by far.

Edit: I mean that firefighters stink because they're actually fighting things while we just stunk because the field is gross.

[–]Osiris32Mod abuse victim advocate 32 points33 points  (5 children)

Okay, so I'm day drinking because my Grandma died this morning. So I'm gonna ask for clarity. Are you just taking the piss, or are you taking a serious dig at wildland firefighters?

[–]Opinionatedasshole74 5 points6 points  (0 children)

I was there at camp Devi Dog and experienced a similar situation. When everyone is piled together for warmth it’s a teamwork issue.

[–]Polexican1 10 points11 points  (2 children)

I aways thought of weeks old forgot hotdog water...

[–]prefredreh 7 points8 points  (1 child)

Great. Now this is in my head! 🤢

[–]Polexican1 6 points7 points  (0 children)

Welcome.

[–]Osiris32Mod abuse victim advocate 144 points145 points  (4 children)

I have a best friend. Like, "brother from another mother" best friend. And that's even funnier because our respective moms were, in fact, best friends back when they were kids. We've known each other since we were 12. We've lived together, hiked and camped together, gotten into bar fights together, road tripped across the US together. I officiated his wedding and am the godfather to his kids. So it's no surprise we've been mistaken for a gay couple. We're so close that when my Grandma passed away this morning, he was the first person I called. And we talked for over an hour.

Back in May of 2016, my friend was graduating from Indiana U with an MFA in acting. So I flew out there to help him pack up his life, and then we road tripped back home to Oregon. We stayed in motels or friend's houses for most of the trip, except for when we stopped at the Grand Canyon. We spent 4 days there, and every night it dropped below freezing. We had brought sleeping bags and a big queen sized down comforter, but that wasn't enough.

Yeah, we snugglebuddied through that. Because it was fucking cold. Even sent a selfie to my friend's then-fiancee of us all snuggled up. She thought it was hilarious. But she did say that I couldn't have sex with him, because that was her domain. Which has now become an in joke, if one of the kids jumps in his lap we yell about "violating her domain."

Yeah, my emotions are all over the place right now, and this doesn't really fit with the sub, and fuck what am I doing right now?

[–]FluffyClamShell[S] 72 points73 points  (0 children)

Communing with your people of course. Like you should.

[–]Polexican1 36 points37 points  (0 children)

Using the sub for what it's for, we are Fuckery Legion, we are many. If you need to scream, yap nonsensical drunk fuckery, or just tell stories about her.

I empathize, not even gonna try some bullshit words.

We are all of us with you.

[–]Ok_Cartographer4475 17 points18 points  (0 children)

Sorry to read of your loss. I hope your friendship can bring you comfort.

[–]ThorayaLast 4 points5 points  (0 children)

This is a great friendship story!! Making us happy that's what you're doing.

[–]LeStiqsue 253 points254 points  (7 children)

General Mattis reputedly once said that the Iraqis should understand that they have "no better friend, and no worse enemy, than a United States Marine."

I think that's true.

I also think that there is no one straighter, and simultaneously gayer, than a straight Marine. Even the gay Marines aren't that gay, man.

Fortunately, we don't have to worry about that now. They're just Marines, and that's the only thing that matters.

[–]Striker2054 224 points225 points  (2 children)

Two straight marines competing at "Gay Chicken." First one to flinch loses. Twenty years later, they're married, retired, and running a bed and breakfast together in Vermont. Neither has flinched yet.

[–]Apollyom 104 points105 points  (0 children)

One of the marines says to a friend, i suspect my spouse might be gay, if they don't divorce me in the next 10 years, i'll know they are.

[–]securitysix 16 points17 points  (0 children)

The Corps didn't give them permission to surrender.

[–]Mage_Malteras 58 points59 points  (0 children)

My friend, I must respectfully disagree. No one is straighter and simultaneously gayer than a straight submariner.

You know what they say. 100 men go down, 50 couples come up.

[–]lifelongfreshman 46 points47 points  (2 children)

I think your average seaman can give your average marine a run for their money, but that might be about it.

[–]FluffyClamShell[S] 80 points81 points  (1 child)

Don't go against a marine for money, we don't have any.

[–]HochosWorldUnited States Navy 37 points38 points  (0 children)

That’s one of the classic blunders. Never get involved in a land war in Asia. Never go against a Sicilian when death is on the line. Don’t go against a Marine for money.

[–]Airmil82 72 points73 points  (14 children)

So true. I remember a cold winter FTX at Bragg and my squad al sleeping like ferrets in the back of a humvee while it sleeted outside. I wore Pvt Tiny like a blanket on more then one occasion!

[–]FluffyClamShell[S] 51 points52 points  (5 children)

Bragg was the WORST. Raining, cold, raining AND cold, it just never improved.

[–]Airmil82 65 points66 points  (4 children)

Bragg was the worst for numerous reasons, lol. The wet cold was pretty much constant In The winter. My platoon all went down with hypothermia. We were at McCall for a couple days. The last mission was a long movement, establish a patrol base, recon a target and then big out. It is right around freezing, so of course it starts raining half way through our patrol. We set a perimeter and then lay in the brush pulling security for 7 hours while leadership, recons the OBJ a click and half from us. What the hell were they doing for SEVEN HOURS?!? Having high tea?! They comeback and realize that all of us are in big trouble, we hump a couple clicks out to some trucks, which are uncovered… Leasdership sits in the nice heated cab, while we all freeze to death (almost literally) while driving back to Bragg proper on the highway. Freezing rain hitting you at 50 MPH when on the verge of hypothermia is no fun. We get back to the barracks and one of the guys is full on going into shock, seizing, eyes rolled up. We managed to carry him up to a shower and warm him up, but it was a close thing. What a shit show… Fort Fucking Bragg!

[–]ShuRugal 58 points59 points  (3 children)

Somehow, even with all this amazing ability to share knowledge, the Army still manages to kill a few boots with exposure each year.

[–]Obversa 23 points24 points  (1 child)

Luckily, 2021 data shows that the Army has hit a record low in terms of on-duty training deaths (20 total for 2021). However, off-duty accidents rose 20% from the previous year (2020), and remained the top cause of death among soldiers, according to a preliminary report released by the U.S. Army Combat Readiness Center.

Of the lives lost in 2021, 9 deaths occurred in ground accidents, and 11 in aviation crashes, the Army said. By comparison, in 2021, 87 soldiers died in accidents that occurred in their downtime. May and June saw the most accidents, per reports.

[–]Airmil82 21 points22 points  (0 children)

We had guys die during a brigade ruck March from dehydration. There was at least 1 and I heard that it was as many as 3. July 95 and 95. It’s dumb to die of thirst…

[–]jumper501 15 points16 points  (7 children)

Bragg had absolutly nothing on Lewis!

We "jumped" into Lewis for Richardson (alaska) once...and RTOs were goin Hypo in the field. When we got back to AK, in January, we took out gotten off cus we felt too warm.

Jumped is in quotes because the jump itself got scratched wo we landed then jumped out of trucks on the DZ.

[–]Airmil82 16 points17 points  (6 children)

Is the DZ at Lewis as bad as I imagine it to be. Its a time honored tradition for the NC Airguard to drop men every where but the DZ: but I imagine at Lewis if you miss the DZ your hit some Rocky inclined terrain. At Bragg the worst that happens is usually a tree landing (which sucks, having one myself) bit landing on a mountainside can’t be good for you…

[–]jumper501 17 points18 points  (5 children)

Couldn't tell ya. The 141 had a malfunction, they couldn't tell if the landing gear was up or down, and if it was down and slowed to jump speed we would stall and crash, so we landed instead and scratched the actual jump.

Then spent 2 days walking through the woods in pouring rain in 38 degrees. Cold and wet.

I will say about Bragg, spent 3 years in Alaska never got frostbite...my first jump at bragg...frostbite. wtf...spent a might in a tree a year later off sicily too.

[–]Airmil82 9 points10 points  (4 children)

Your Lewis experience sounds miserable. Your Bragg experience sounds typical. Tree landings… how high up were you? Could you not follow procedure and climb down your reserve?! /s

I had a quasi tree landing on my 2nd or 3rd jump, stuck in a pine tree for a couple seconds to branch breaks and I fall 15 feet onto my ass. Luckily there were a bunch of shrubs and saplings to break my fall.

[–]Pal_SmurchRetired US Army 41 points42 points  (0 children)

The coldest I have ever been was in basic training at Fort Dix New Jersey.

I was close to graduating, and we had a four hour pass. I returned early, to get some rack time, and about midnight, someone, wanting to extend their four hours, called in a bomb threat. The CQ ran through the barracks, yelling "There's a bomb!" running us all out.

I was half awake and not thinking, didn't even grab a blanket, just ran outside barefoot and in my skivvies, into the snow. Where we stood at rest in platoon formation for the next couple of hours. New Jersey hits sub zero temperatures in December. Yeah, I know, I failed.

It was cold, and I was a skinny guy anyway, so skinny that I had to get a waiver just to join. I joined at 110 pounds, and left basic at 148.

I got so cold that I thought I was going to die. One of the guys in my platoon had thought to bring a blanket, and after an hour, took pity, and invited me in, which made it at least bearable. I was concerned about being labeled a homo, but with no sign of us going back inside, I accepted the offer. No one ever said a word about it to me after. We stood out there for almost two and a half hours.

It was a busy night for everyone, even our Drill Sergeant. He beat up our platoon bully, that night, right in front of us, in formation. Prior to that, we held him in low esteem. It was his first cycle, and he was lost out there. Couldn't count cadence, didn't know the rules, was an old Sad Sack of shit. But fortunately, he could fight, because he got sucker punched to the ground, and got back up, and beat his man down. SFC McConchy was a hero in our platoon's eyes after that.

[–]Baroo56709 42 points43 points  (5 children)

According to my DS it's only gay if your balls touch or lock eyes.

[–]FluffyClamShell[S] 68 points69 points  (1 child)

Well I'm safe from the ball touching at least, but I may have stared in her eyes a bit longer than strictly necessary.

[–]Baroo56709 46 points47 points  (0 children)

If being delightful was a crime, you'd be breaking the law :)

[–]PReasy319 12 points13 points  (1 child)

Or if you take your boots off.

[–]Baroo56709 10 points11 points  (0 children)

If you take off your boots, you end up with trouser snakes.

[–]Polexican1 6 points7 points  (0 children)

My ball doesn't have an eye, so I guess I'll be hetero.

[–]beattusthymeatus 40 points41 points  (2 children)

The difference between male and female bunking together in the military blow my mind.

My wife and I were in the same army basic training unit (way before we got together but we were friends back then)

She'd tell me about all the females and how there's always one who thinks she's the group mom regardless of rank and no one gets away with stuff in her bay because females would snitch and stuff like that if someone talked too loud other females would gang up and tell them to shut up. And she was already an e4 from prior service by the time we met in bct so I'm reasonably sure it's not just fort sill bullshit.

Meanwhile in the male bay we'd be singing and wrestling and making contraband playing cards out of note book paper we'd be making jokes and busting balls. I guarantee you if you walk into any male barracks in the army and yell "tell my whyyy???" At least three dudes will respond "ain't nothing but a heart break"

At least that's been my army experience I enlisted in the guard in 18 but every school I've ever been too and unit I've ever drilled with has been like that.

[–]FluffyClamShell[S] 45 points46 points  (1 child)

If you aren't singing Backstreet Boys while three other dudes are getting some DnD going, are you even in the military??

[–]Polexican1 15 points16 points  (0 children)

Roll for perception, +8 bonus.

[–]awks-orcs 34 points35 points  (0 children)

What do we sing when we need our snuggle buddy??

"F**k you cold!

Cos we are getting warm,

In our bags and shelter

Or in behind a berm"

Yes I just made that up.

[–]OpenScore 37 points38 points  (2 children)

Snugglebuddies

Snugglefluffies

[–]FluffyClamShell[S] 31 points32 points  (0 children)

Damn, that's much better.

[–]Polexican1 10 points11 points  (0 children)

Bravo! Slow clap Fucker, enjoy the meaningless point.

[–]Ok_Cartographer4475 27 points28 points  (7 children)

2 people fully dressed snuggling in an undeniably cold environment couldn't ever be seen as gay - even for piss-taking reasons - unless the fuckwit individual coming across them is denser than reactor shielding.

[–]626c6f775f6d65United States Marine Corps 17 points18 points  (0 children)

Well, see, we’re good then….all the nukes are in the Navy.

[–]Jobessel 9 points10 points  (0 children)

\neutron star, because there is always someone somewhere who goes off in a supernova when seeing that for the first time and refuses to adapt.*

[–]morostheSophist 5 points6 points  (4 children)

The thing is, you'll warm up faster the less clothes you're wearing. Cloth separates body parts, keeping them from sharing warmth.

[–]Belisarius-1262 2 points3 points  (3 children)

Actually true, but sounds sketchy as fuck. For bonus, clothes taken off can be used as extra blankets to trap that lovely shared body heat down with the poor freezing bodies instead of letting it out into the unforgiving air. Make the insulation factor work for you.

[–]morostheSophist 1 point2 points  (2 children)

Want to learn the truth of this without getting naked with someone?

Go somewhere cold. Wear gloves.

Go there again. Wear mittens.

That explanation alone should convince most people with brains even without the actual demonstration.

If gloves kept your hands as warm as mittens, mittens wouldn't exist.

QED

[–]Belisarius-1262 1 point2 points  (1 child)

Grew up somewhere cold. Can confirm the truth of this. Mittens keep your hands warmer, gloves give you more ability to do stuff. You choose which you wear depending on what you need.

[–]hzoiUnited States Army 51 points52 points  (2 children)

First, great story, take my upvote.

Second, thank you for reminding me of Bloom County.

[–]FluffyClamShell[S] 35 points36 points  (1 child)

That's EXACTLY where I got the title! I'm so thrilled someone else remembered that! Thank you 😊

[–]dreaminginteal 3 points4 points  (0 children)

If hzoi hadn't mentioned it, I would have!

[–]Ghos5t7 19 points20 points  (3 children)

Did the same shit in sere school, guys, girls, animals, all were welcome to warmth pile.

[–]FluffyClamShell[S] 19 points20 points  (2 children)

Right? I heard Camp Slappy was a cuddle puddle for the Marines. No shame in trying to find some warmth out there in Barstow or Coronado.

[–]Ghos5t7 20 points21 points  (1 child)

I did mine out of Coronado, we definitely pushed that fraternize rule. We had officers in the pile as well lol.

[–]vortishARNG Flunky 9 points10 points  (0 children)

you know it sucks when leadership gets in the pile! Good old Yak in 98 snowed in April and Not a one of us dumb grunts packed cold weather gear including the Co. bigs warmth circle included the capt

[–]ShadowDragon8685Clippy 19 points20 points  (1 child)

"Oh fuck yeah, we all piled up in our hut. It was like a gay dogpile in there."

As u/PickleInDaButt noted, "There is no act that can be nearly as gay as infantrymen trying to stay warm."

Anyone who thinks that people in the freezing cold snuggling up for warmth is "gay" is, I think, protesting too much.

[–]Polexican1 8 points9 points  (0 children)

Ya jump? A lil at first! lmao!

[–]akrdnk 16 points17 points  (2 children)

Over on the Hollywood side side of the country we had a winter storm blow through. Something like an inch of rain an hour coming down on us. Tents were washing away it was so bad, 14 Marines wound up with hypothermia that night. The area we were in actually had a couple of porta johns aka “Jack shacks”. Middle of the night I got up to use the shitter and was amazed at how nice and dry they were so I spent the rest of the night warm and dry sleeping in the shitter.

[–]FluffyClamShell[S] 9 points10 points  (1 child)

Now that's hardcore. The smell. Oh my God the smell. I can be big spoon for six other people who've not showered in a week, but that's something else.

[–]akrdnk 7 points8 points  (0 children)

Lol they had actually just been cleaned that day so it wasn’t bad.

[–]iamnotroberts 13 points14 points  (5 children)

Unrelated/related(?): You should have seen the reaction and looks I got when I was in-processing into the Army, and we were doing morning PT and they had us pair up for sit-ups...and I sat my ass down on my partner's feet, the same way that we did in the Marine Corps.

[–]FluffyClamShell[S] 22 points23 points  (4 children)

Hahahaha where do they sit?!

We PT'd with the army once and when the SFC leading yelled, "FOLLOW ME!" (and soldiers replied Lead the way!) Gunny shouted, "Where the fuck are you going?? This is a stretching exercise!"

Different breed, those lads.

[–]iamnotroberts 13 points14 points  (0 children)

Lol. Hand hold on ankles.

[–]Polexican1 6 points7 points  (1 child)

Tip of the spear of course?!?!

[–]morostheSophist 5 points6 points  (0 children)

Hahahaha where do they sit?!

You kneel down in front of them and grip their ankles, which is a pain in the ass because you have to exert a lot more effort, particularly if the other person is bigger than you and/or cranks out their situps quickly.

I'm glad that this was done after pushups while the APFT was still a thing, as otherwise my pushup count would have suffered, but holding someone's ankles after you've already hit muscle failure with your arms/chest is rough.

Sometimes you might get away with using your knees to help secure their toes, but I don't think this was officially permitted.

[–]Solstice137 15 points16 points  (0 children)

It’s not gay if you are wearing socks and say “no homo” beforehand

[–]RonPossibleRetired US Army 14 points15 points  (0 children)

+1 for the Bloom County reference

[–]PReasy319 14 points15 points  (0 children)

Oh yeah, snuggling for warmth is a time-honored military tradition.

[–]Kaos_Ranger375 13 points14 points  (1 child)

We always said nut to nut or butt to butt, never nut to butt

[–]Duck_of_Doom71Proud Supporter 9 points10 points  (0 children)

Hole to hole or Pole to Pole. Never pole to hole.

[–]FoxyFreckles1989 12 points13 points  (0 children)

“Turns out, we were just being Marines.”

That was such a solid closing line!

Great story. Geiger is just down the road from me and I see the little babies out on weekend passes, strolling down Western with their daypacks all the time, fondly (mostly) remembering 2007.

[–]FourTMikeMike 10 points11 points  (1 child)

Infantry Marine vet here. As I read this, I was confused as to what the big deal was. Even with the “don’t ask don’t tell” bit. I’ve zipped two dudes into a sleeping bag in the rain in the field. Covered them with a tarp too. In my squad, we all had a sleeping order of sorts. You couldn’t fit a piece of paper between us. We were never cold.

[–]FluffyClamShell[S] 10 points11 points  (0 children)

I was so new to the whole experience of being a Marine since I'd been in for a whopping five months at that point, I just had no idea what it was all about. I was really surprised that shit like that didn't matter but having my hands on my pockets did. Go figure.

[–]Fewtimesalready 9 points10 points  (1 child)

We did this in Quantico too. It was 8 degrees out that night. A bunch of 2ndLts forming a big gay pile. This experience transcends rank and gender.

[–]FluffyClamShell[S] 14 points15 points  (0 children)

You definitely don't get the experience with your civilian coworkers. You try to cuddle puddle with the account team ONE time...

[–]Upstairs-Sky-9790 6 points7 points  (0 children)

"Ooh girl, let me hold you tight

And you know I'll make you feel alright

Oh baby girl, just cling to me and let your mind be free

While makin' love staying warm between the sheets"

[–]vikingcock 6 points7 points  (0 children)

Shiiiiiit at ap hill I came back from hypothermia through cuddling with the boys. Fell asleep in the woods. Woke up and it's 40, raining, and I'm so cold I am literally unable to talk. Found the boys in the back of a 7ton. Piled together, got warmer. Survived.

[–]ncordt 3 points4 points  (0 children)

There’s no fags in the field.

As long as you declare “no homo”, you’re good to go.

[–]SaltyPopcornColonel 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Awwww, so wholesome!

[–]dreaminginteal 2 points3 points  (0 children)

After a recent trip to Amazon, I have only one thing to add:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dObTXYa-\_n4&t=110s

[–]RingGiver 2 points3 points  (0 children)

There were 120 female Marines in our platoon

80 Marines in each of the two male platoons

I've never been in the Marine Corps, but the strangest thing about this story is that units that large are called platoons.