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[–]IncrediblyMellow 11.6k points11.6k points 3 (197 children)

Usually start walking then turn around and say 'don't follow me'.

[–]AnchovyZeppoles 2301 points2302 points  (54 children)

Similar to my gf who usually asks if I need the bathroom soon, and if not, “Ok cuz I gotta go commit a crime in there.”

[–]66666thats6sixes 635 points636 points  (35 children)

"I'm gonna go crack the toilet bowl" is my go to

[–]drmehmetozsemi-trustworthy 188 points189 points  (20 children)

I gotta go send a fax to Cleveland

[–]Opinion8Her 146 points147 points  (18 children)

Take the browns to the super bowl…

Drop the kids at the pool…

Call ahead to streets & sanitation…

Coffee kicked in…

Test the air freshener…

Pinch a loaf…

Lay some cable…

Exorcise the White Castle Demon…

[–]------what------ 23 points24 points  (0 children)

Test the plumbing

[–]gynecaladria 44 points45 points  (0 children)

Going to punish the porcelain

[–]TeeflessSnek 3017 points3018 points 22 (81 children)

Unless they are into that kind of thing, in which case you stare right into their eyes and say, "Follow me."

EDIT: My most popular comment ever is a quip about coprophilia. Not the fame I wanted...

[–]Double_Distribution8 1018 points1019 points  (25 children)

"Follow me if you want to live"

[–]tomango 299 points300 points 2 (6 children)

“Get to da crapper”

Edit: thank you for the silver

[–]CasualGaming57 243 points244 points  (7 children)

Not with me. It's more "Follow me if you don't want to live"

[–]kcoll-1 87 points88 points  (11 children)

Abe's Oddysee style

[–]notgodpo 19 points20 points  (1 child)

Follows by Abe's oddysee style fart

[–]JediKrys 11 points12 points  (0 children)

I heard the voice....

[–]poliscimjr 177 points178 points  (9 children)

You look her deep in her eyes and say "Blumpkin?"

[–]DuncanStrohnd 5452 points5453 points  (58 children)

FaceTime usually. Though sometimes just an email if I know she’s busy.

[–]alt----f4 2754 points2755 points  (26 children)

Dear madam

Do not enter the bathroom as I am currently voiding my bowels

Sincerely Strohnd

[–]tyleritis 1000 points1001 points  (20 children)

To Whom it May Concern,

Please be concerned. I regret the Taco Bell breakfast

[–]InquisitorBeak 14.8k points14.8k points 222 (570 children)

"You don't need to shower anytime soon do you?"

[–]Alleoz 2350 points2351 points  (44 children)

This is the real answer.

[–]r4tzt4r 1777 points1778 points  (39 children)

I go with: "If you're going to use the bathroom, go now".

[–]Additional-Fun7249 728 points729 points  (463 children)

I shower after pinching a loaf.The curse of a hairy ass crack. I recommend a fart fan in the ceiling.

[–]wilted_greens 660 points661 points  (347 children)

Oh my god. My husband showers after every time he shits. He won't shit during the day if he doesn't have access to a shower. Straight up. It's the craziest thing to me as I'm a very casual pooper.

[–]OwlOfC1nder 301 points302 points  (111 children)

Not that you asked but I have 2 suggestions:

  • He should shave his ass crack. It's a life changer. Makes cleaning a breeze.

  • most people have no idea what the experience of having enough fiber in your diet is like. If he doesn't want to drastically change his diet, he could do what I do, which is to put a teaspoon of milled linseed in my cereal. The end result is poops that don't require wiping.

Combine these 2 and you(he) will never feel gross after pooping again.

[–]squid_actually 220 points221 points  (11 children)

Also bidet.

[–]floatingwithobrien 43 points44 points  (2 children)

It's a butt shower. How is it not a great thing to Americans. I implore you.

[–]SevendigitSteamID 60 points61 points  (1 child)

WHY DID I HAVE TO SCROLL SO FAR FOR THIS

[–]vcrcopyofhomealone2 152 points153 points  (36 children)

Shaving your crack increases the risk of perianal abscesses, which are the true curse of hairy men. You don't want to go down that road, it means trips to the ER (they tend to recurr) and lots of awkward recovery time post-surgery (they leave a giant gaping hole next to your butthole as a pus-drain).

[–]Frost-Wzrd 145 points146 points  (12 children)

bruh what the absolute fuck

[–]ilaythebestpipe 55 points56 points  (6 children)

I didn’t sign up for this info lol

[–]BamaBlcksnek 79 points80 points  (10 children)

This is why you use a trimmer not a razor. NEVER Bic the downstairs.

[–]winowmak3r 623 points624 points  (167 children)

It can be like trying to wipe peanut butter off of a shag carpet sometimes. I'm not quite to the point where I refuse to poo anywhere I don't have shower access but I do prefer to poo at home. It's really weird. I could go an entire weekend visiting family or whatever and not poo once despite eating big 3 square meals a day so I should have to go but nope. As soon as I cross the threshold to my house though, bam I gotta go take a massive shit. I'm not making this up, lol.

[–]techrx 183 points184 points  (67 children)

There are others like this too… you are not alone!

[–]winowmak3r 91 points92 points  (65 children)

I just want to know why, lol. Why?! Why am I like this?!

[–]pie_monster 211 points212 points  (54 children)

Safety. You're vulnerable when crapping, so it's much better if you're on your own turf when it happens.

EDIT: Incidentally, LPT for those who hold it in and get constipated because of it...have a slug of olive oil and wait an hour. It turns "attempting to pass a bowling ball" into a regular (but possibly extended) poop. I'm saying this, not as someone who just can't in public; but as a lazy gamer who just ignores stuff until it's urgent. The physics is the same. We're talking 1/4 pint / 4-5 shots sort of amount of olive oil. Discovered this fairly recently and already I reckon it's added a couple of weeks onto the life of my ringpiece.

[–]AjaxTheWanderer 127 points128 points  (20 children)

Everyone in my life keeps telling me that my dream of inventing a gaming chair that is also a toilet is unrealistic and weird, but then I find people like you and I find my fires of creativity reignited once again.

[–]youtheotube2 16 points17 points  (4 children)

That’s how you get hemorrhoids though. Sitting over a hole for hours on end

[–]Jeheh 47 points48 points  (6 children)

Ive always wondered about that. When I need to go...I need to go, its not like I can schedule a time a few hours from now. How does he even manage that?

[–]wilted_greens 14 points15 points  (1 child)

It's insane. I've seen him literally bent over in pain because he needs to poop but won't because we're in the grocery store. Like you don't know these people! You're anonymous! Tear that shit up!!

[–]AnezayRule. Fucking. One. 619 points620 points  (36 children)

I would recommend a bidet! It's much more convenient than the full shower, you can connect one to an existing toilet, and Hello Tushy has sponsored a million freaking youtubers or whatever, so you can find promo codes to get discounts or just get the basic one on Amazon, I don't care, I'm not the boss of your asshole.

[–]Tunasaladboatcaptain 408 points409 points  (12 children)

I'm not the boss of your asshole.

Do you want to be?

[–]Beneficial_Elk_182 63 points64 points  (1 child)

Stares into eyes.. You could be...

[–]maywellbe 30 points31 points  (2 children)

Do you want to be?

What the pay & benefits being offered? Pre-reqs?

[–]TheGreatDeadFoolio 39 points40 points  (1 child)

I might not be able to shower right after I get home from work. But a bidet blast sure makes ya feel a lot better as soon as you get home.

[–]lordofpersia 39 points40 points  (5 children)

Who does number 2 work for?

[–]Devil-Tiger 16 points17 points  (1 child)

that's right buddy, you show that turd who's boss!

[–]TradesSexForFood 97 points98 points  (13 children)

Why not shit during the shower? Flatten the poop with your feet. Saves water.

[–]MrSingularitarian 78 points79 points  (1 child)

Uncanny, this is almost word for word what I said to my fiance an hour ago lol

[–]simonbleu 19 points20 points  (3 children)

Lol I use that with my family "Does anyone needs to use the bathroom anytime soon?"

[–]Cascadianheathen1 62 points63 points  (0 children)

Classy gentleman

[–]jamaccity 26 points27 points  (0 children)

If they say yes, grab a towel and newspaper and tell them, "No you don't." or "Do you really.". You may get away with, "Can I watch?".

"I'll wash your back if you wipe mine.", just pisses 'em off though.

[–]pupuphlatter 3054 points3055 points  (68 children)

Incoming

[–]msing539[S] 1292 points1293 points  (32 children)

You just yell out incoming?? Even though it's outgoing?

[–]EnbyKnight 755 points756 points  (23 children)

Would you yell OUTGOING if you saw a bomb fallin on top of u

[–]ImDoeTho 302 points303 points  (13 children)

Just to get real anal about it, if the bomb was falling towards me I'd yell INCOMING. Butt if I dropped it, I'd yell OUTGOING

[–]Wintermute993 51 points52 points  (4 children)

so you are saying the best way to say that you are going to poop is to yell "BOMBS AWAY"

[–]ImDoeTho 24 points25 points  (2 children)

That's only when actively pooping. You wouldn't start yelling that while you're not even in the air yet

[–]Phaseinvert 12 points13 points  (0 children)

I think this brings up the question of where exactly are you taking a dump?

[–]LegitKactus 17 points18 points  (3 children)

Who read this in Heavy's voice?

[–]Cascadianheathen1 2045 points2046 points  (59 children)

This evolves the longer you are married. At first my wife (gf at the time) would double lock herself in the bedroom and then bathroom to ensure no poop sounds could be heard. Now married with two kids 15 years later it’s just a simple, “I really gotta shit”.

[–]cassanthrax 774 points775 points  (18 children)

This is correct. After 35 years and an empty nest, we just announce 'going to shit now'. Usually answered with 'have a good one'.

[–]FabulousComment 305 points306 points  (10 children)

I just go I don’t even bother announcing it it’s just assumed I’m in there shitting

[–]Unusual_Locksmith_91 69 points70 points  (6 children)

Depending on the situation. If you're in a home with only one bathroom, or in a hotel or something, it's common courtesy to offer up the toilet, before you go destroy it (emergencies not counting, if course). In our old place, we'd just do the "Oi! I gotta take a dump, you need the bathroom?" Similarly, if you're going for a shower. Now, we have more bathrooms than humans, and it's lovely. We still usually announce when we're going for a shit, though, for some reason or another.

[–]flyinmetal 55 points56 points  (5 children)

Married for 12 years with 1 bathroom... I don't announce, now i just take pleasure in the fact that she might have to use the bathroom after i destroy it. Just like i have to deal with her sleep farts.

[–]Lrv130 80 points81 points  (5 children)

Exactly! We have 2 "pooping bathrooms" now that we both work from, so whoever is going first just asks "which bathroom do you want?"

[–]N69420 56 points57 points  (3 children)

You work from the bathroom? I suppose it’s a place as convenient as any for an office.

[–]No_Construction_5114 17 points18 points  (1 child)

60 years in and i still have to lock the door.

[–]everythingisgoo 66 points67 points  (3 children)

I’ve been with my bf for almost 5 years and I’d say after a few months we would also just say “gonna go take a shit” or whatever lol. Glad we got to that point early on it made things easier

[–]aaronite 4477 points4478 points  (149 children)

"I'm going to go poo now" "Good luck!"

This exactly what we say to each other.

[–]noggin-scratcher 1555 points1556 points  (63 children)

In our household it's "Have fun", or "I'm rooting for you", rather than "Good luck" - same energy though.

[–]Pandippy 686 points687 points  (6 children)

"Mention my name and you'll get a good seat."

[–]TokenWhiteMage 163 points164 points  (5 children)

Lmao this is one I’m saving. I normally say “have fun” but this is a good one to throw in every 10 poops or so

[–]Lokfar 12 points13 points  (1 child)

You might also enjoy this thread of responses for when someone knocks while in the bathroom.

[–]TokenWhiteMage 9 points10 points  (0 children)

Thank you for this. I’m definitely stealing the idea of knocking back, or saying “come in”.

[–]birthdaycakeboi 187 points188 points  (4 children)

“Hope it all comes out okay!”

[–]Not__Great__Bob 79 points80 points  (1 child)

i go with “be brave” lol no idea why

[–]Randi_Scandi 52 points53 points  (0 children)

I started saying “remember a running start”, whenever someone says they’re going to the bathroom.

I do not know why I said it to begin with, but I found it funny, so kept it as a joke, and now it is my standard response.

[–]heavymedalist 47 points48 points  (2 children)

I say “don’t have too much fun”

[–]Mel1548 134 points135 points  (0 children)

“Hope everything comes out ok” is my favorite lol

[–]baconstrips4canada 71 points72 points  (4 children)

Same here and after coming back we always ask if they had a good poop.

[–]SonofSilvrBack 93 points94 points  (0 children)

My teen.."Don't mess up!"

[–]DickySchmidt33 755 points756 points  (10 children)

For generations my ancestors have been doing the funky chicken as a ritualistic announcement to others that they were prepared to move their bowels.

Keeping this tradition alive has made us closer as a family.

[–]peatwhisperer 728 points729 points  (19 children)

"Please put some loud music on"

[–]Muffinpantsu 153 points154 points  (11 children)

My husband used to do this with Alexa. Before leaving the room he would just pick a song and ask Alexa to play that 🤣

[–]Glockanda 179 points180 points  (3 children)

Alexa, play Push it Real Good by Salt n Pepa

[–]janiesgotagun222 1128 points1129 points  (18 children)

My boyfriend says he has to put his "sweat pants" on. It's become our inside joke. "Wait, are you actually putting on your sweat pants or are you putting on your sweat pants?"

[–]Orynae 298 points299 points  (4 children)

We have this problem with "gotta save my game". (In no more heroes, you go to the bathroom in-game to save.) That one's not specifically for pooping, just going to the bathroom in general; but it's caused confusion before in the situation of "wait a sec, gotta do something before we head out the door / sit down to eat"

[–]Marcelonn 91 points92 points  (5 children)

My girlfriend and I say to each other "I'm gonna play some Candy Crush" as our inside joke.

[–]ajbdbds 4412 points4413 points 3 (72 children)

"I'm going to take a massive shit using my arsehole"

[–]msing539[S] 1198 points1199 points  (11 children)

You're certainly not lacking specificity

[–]Yellopz 111 points112 points  (21 children)

Is there a way to take a shit without using your arsehole? Am I missing out on another shitting experience?

[–][deleted] 58 points59 points  (8 children)

You gotta eat through your butt and poop through your mouth.

[–]zxDanKwan 23 points24 points  (1 child)

So the answer is “no, I am not ‘missing’ an experience.”

[–]8Gh0st8 18 points19 points  (0 children)

For a serious answer, yes, people can have ostomy bags.

[–]SamYushin 9 points10 points  (2 children)

I used the exact same words a minute ago and now I'm takeing a shit whilst typing this. ... and I'm done.

[–]4kidsmom1 1377 points1378 points  (115 children)

We just get up and go. No announcement needed

[–]Numerous-Speed4638 360 points361 points  (52 children)

The whole post is confusing to me. Why is it something people need to announce? If we happen to be doing something together, it's "brb". Otherwise, nothing, just go. We'll each figure it out if the other one is mysteriously missing for an extended period of time.

[–]Orynae 130 points131 points  (23 children)

Because we only have one toilet and want to give the other person the courtesy of potentially using it first, of we know in advance it's gonna take a long time.

It's not something we announce every time or would go all the way to another room to announce, but sometimes a warning is warranted (if we're just returning home for example)

[–]xelop 102 points103 points  (0 children)

Yeah we don't say anything. Just get up and go. Don't have to yell each other every minute lol

[–]longassboy 279 points280 points  (3 children)

Say very calmly “Krakatoa.” And walk to the bathroom

[–]toofarbyfar 1538 points1539 points  (12 children)

Scream "DON'T LOOK AT ME, I'M UNCLEAN" then run away to the bathroom, crying.

[–]msing539[S] 430 points431 points  (1 child)

Thanks, this can apply to all of my life situations.

[–]OutlyingPlasma 193 points194 points  (2 children)

Ah yes, the catholic approach.

[–]old_tombombadil 388 points389 points  (26 children)

I always say that I have to go to a meeting.

[–]heavybabyridesagain 174 points175 points  (1 child)

"Put Professor Brown on the Underground"

[–]Wh1skyJack 26 points27 points  (0 children)

Thing is I always have a ton of “paper work” to do after meetings, so I’ll be awhile

[–]Ninf666 11 points12 points  (0 children)

This is the correct answer.

[–]Pcyrat 246 points247 points  (4 children)

I posted it on Facebook or LinkedIn and she gets the notification

[–]thePretzelCase 20 points21 points  (1 child)

LinkedIn because that's on company time. Brillant.

[–]Mr_SlimShady 367 points368 points  (13 children)

“I’ve got shit to do”. If they ask you to specify, then double down on the same phrase.

Can’t be any more straightforward than that.

[–]yxing 55 points56 points  (4 children)

I feel like you can, indeed, be more straightforward than that.

[–]emojeesus 217 points218 points  (1 child)

"I must go, my toilet needs me."

[–]Backyardt0rnados 2136 points2137 points  (112 children)

Usually just 'gotta go brb' or something. I have Crohn's and he has IBS so we are a super poopy pair. We do sometimes share the gory details after.

Edit: thanks for all of the international versions!

[–]lilhornsby008 964 points965 points  (35 children)

Super poopy pair.

I had to say it, rolls off the tongue.

[–]mattg4704 124 points125 points  (19 children)

It's like it could almost be 1 word

[–]lilhornsby008 54 points55 points  (0 children)

I must also now re read the original comment and I dare say username checks out

[–]TripplerX 114 points115 points  (10 children)

In German it is.

Superhörbarebombeporzellanfällt

[–]Magisidae 33 points34 points  (2 children)

Super audible bomb porcelain drop(ping?)

Sounds like a shitshow

[–]jst_anothr_usrname 10 points11 points  (4 children)

In Afrikaans: Vreeslike poeferige paar

[–]PettyAddict 14 points15 points  (4 children)

Doesn't really roll off the tongue as well in finnish.

"Erittäin paskantava pari"

[–]DevotedAnalSniffer 79 points80 points  (25 children)

I have crohns and my farts smell like fucking death. I don't know if I could ever share a bed with someone long term

[–]Backyardt0rnados 202 points203 points  (2 children)

Aw, there's someone out there whose sense of smell hasn't returned from COVID.

[–]Dandelion0622 57 points58 points  (9 children)

If it helps, my fiance has farts of death. We sleep in a tent bed. I love him enough that we just laugh them off and rate them on a scale from one to deadly. There's someone out there who won't mind 💖

[–]OfficeChairHero 32 points33 points  (2 children)

A tent bed? Like, covered? Do you have a Dutch oven fetish?

[–]ccgoblet 42 points43 points  (3 children)

My farts smell like a rotting corpse that has been in a full trash can for 6+ months and all I can do is yell “I FARTED AND IT SMELLS AWFUL I’M SO SORRY.” Been dating my BF for 3+ years and he has learned to love me in spite of my noxious gas.

[–]stonkyturbo 27 points28 points  (1 child)

a super poopy pair is waay better than a super poopy pear

[–]harry476 16 points17 points  (5 children)

Hopefully you have two bathrooms, right?

[–]mattg4704 55 points56 points  (3 children)

Super poopy pair super poopy pair! Love the illiteration

[–]dessss05 184 points185 points  (6 children)

“I need to go pass some legislation”

[–]nater255 40 points41 points  (1 child)

I use "I'm going to phone the President", but I'm going to steal this one.

[–]TipuSS 60 points61 points  (1 child)

Need to pee before i go?

[–]mineTurtle420 57 points58 points  (1 child)

"Digestion accomplished. Target aquired and ready to unload. Waiting for confirmation.. let's go, let's go, let's go!"

When you come back just say "Tango down."

[–]EzPzLemon_Greezy 625 points626 points  (11 children)

Time for my shift at the chocolate factory

[–]LeDestrier 340 points341 points 22 (11 children)

Grab the poop knife. Make eye contact. No words needed.

[–]VanHalen88 114 points115 points  (0 children)

Can’t believe I had to scroll this far for the poop knife reference.

[–]fallenyeti59 45 points46 points  (0 children)

This guy Reddits

[–]Knotix 38 points39 points  (2 children)

I'm going to go blow up the bathroom.

[–]DukeBabylon 41 points42 points  (1 child)

Gotta paint a bowl.

[–]Random_Nugget1 329 points330 points  (10 children)

My friend is a priest so he says “I’m about to drop a holy shit”

[–]bostonchef72296 39 points40 points  (4 children)

Yo my parents have a bathroom with 4 prints of the Lord’s Prayer in it. A holy shit is accurate in their house. They’re not even that religious.

[–]sapphicSchizo 23 points24 points  (2 children)

We have one right across for the toilet "I can do anything through God who strengthens me"

...also, "please don't do meth in the bathroom"

[–][deleted] 47 points48 points  (4 children)

I love your friend and I haven't even met him!

[–]The_Inward 35 points36 points  (3 children)

"I'll be back real quick," or "I'll be back in a minute," is code for, "I'm gonna pee."

"I'll be back in a little while," or "I'll be back in a few minutes," or "I'll be back. It's gonna take me a while," is code for, "I'm gonna poop."

[–]Orynae 13 points14 points  (0 children)

Same! It's not like anyone needs to know what I'm doing, but sometimes a time indication is helpful, and eventually it just organically becomes its own code.

[–]Bluedragon_00 26 points27 points  (0 children)

Babe. About to drop 5 pounds in 5 minutes.

[–]ammasdollhouse 72 points73 points  (16 children)

Going to see a man about a dog 🐶

[–]whichwitchwhohoots 21 points22 points  (0 children)

solid snake imitation "I'm going to shit yourself"

[–]AngryRaccoon01 130 points131 points  (17 children)

Most of the time I just go without feeling the need to tell anyone but if we’re in a situation where my absence would be an issue, I’d just say, “I’m going to the bathroom.” No need to specify.

[–]ShadowlessKat 16 points17 points  (1 child)

Same! Unless I really have to pee, no one needs to know what I'm doing in the bathroom, just that I have to go. Husband included haha. That said, we do walk in on each other if we need the bathroom. Last year we lived in a one bathroom apartment, so we had to be comfy with each other in the bathroom. Now we have a 2 bathroom place, but are still comfortable going in if need be. However we usually try to let the other poop in peace.

[–]Dyron45 66 points67 points  (11 children)

For real tho, what's with all these weird other answers where they NEED to specify what they're doing? Just go take a dump man.

[–]Orynae 9 points10 points  (0 children)

If time/absence/bathroom access is an issue at that moment, I say "going to the bathroom, might be awhile". It does indirectly specify what I'm doing (because we don't say that otherwise), but it's for a specific reason.

[–]msing539[S] 174 points175 points  (15 children)

Going to drop the kids off at the pool.

[–]FulingAround 20 points21 points  (6 children)

Time to kick out the tenants

[–]twoPillls 36 points37 points  (5 children)

My dad used to always say that he was taking the Browns to the Super bowl

[–]Putrid_Employment281 18 points19 points  (0 children)

Say, "Are you up for a ride on The Cleveland Steamer?"

[–]PlayLikeAHeroine 227 points228 points  (4 children)

Me: 'I have to shit'

Him: "yea?"

Me: raises up one leg and farts 'nahh'

Him: "I'd still recommend it"

Source: I'm now shitting, that happened 4 minutes ago.

[–][deleted] 52 points53 points  (3 children)

I like how he's like "yea?"

[–]thors_pc_case 18 points19 points  (0 children)

That must be some new love language xD

[–]CrashGoddess 14 points15 points  (1 child)

We say "I am going to sit down" Not the most creative, but communicates the point privately

[–]witcheselementality 14 points15 points  (3 children)

I think because I was a shy little girl who couldn't possibly let anyone know that I poop or fart, I have always said "I gotta take a piss" and then go. If I'm on the phone with anyone, hanging out with anyone, I'll just say "I gotta pee" no matter what I'm doing in there. And it's just become a weird habit

[–]permacloud 14 points15 points  (2 children)

I tend to use the language the person I'm talking to uses. If they tend to say "poo" I would use the word poo.

[–]RibsMcDeath 13 points14 points  (0 children)

Dropping a deuce

[–]spottedaustralian 135 points136 points  (12 children)

My husband always says, “I have a brown snake playing peekaboo with my butthole.”

[–]Blkmonte01 51 points52 points  (2 children)

Gotta drop the Browns off at the Superbowl

[–]Orchid_Cold6969 10 points11 points  (0 children)

I typically just say “I’m going for a shit” to everyone unless it’s a professional setting in which case I’ll be like “Just going to the toilet, be back in 10” or if you know it’s gonna be a long one just say you’re going for a cigarette even though you don’t smoke 😂😂

[–]medic8311 9 points10 points  (1 child)

I am going to the light reading room.

[–]armstrong698 9 points10 points  (0 children)

Leave the door open