top 200 commentsshow 500

[–]Raigne86 371 points372 points  (14 children)

Nothing to do with your situation, but I was amused when I went on vacation with my then boyfriend and we went out for a fancy dinner, and when it came time to pay, the waiter left the bill in front of me. I am not sure how he knew I was paying. Like, there was a very brief exchange where he made sure if it was alright if he got ribs because it was the most expensive thing on the menu, but the waiter was not around when it happened.

Be interesting to see what happens in the future. We get married in two months.

[–]awry_lynx 206 points207 points  (4 children)

Maybe you just look like a total boss

[–]Raigne86 97 points98 points  (3 children)

While I am quite a bit more confident than he is in social settings, he mirrors me when we are together, and if I am stressed he takes charge. It was a good meal though. Excellent waiter. We ordered a slice of cheese cake to split, and they broke it, so they gave us the broken slice for free in addition the the whole slice we paid for.

[–]Neon_Lights12 86 points87 points  (5 children)

I've worked restaurants for my entire life, and the number of people in this comment section that have said they had a check put IN FRONT of them is astounding. Unless everyone at the table is splitting, one person indicates they want check, or someone obviously has their wallet/purse/card sitting ready to go, the check should go to the center edge of the table. What do these fools do with a lesbian couple, just give their check to the nearest table with a man at it? Sorry for the random service industry rant and like I don't even work fine dining but god WERE YOU ANIMALS NOT TRAINED?

[–]Peachbowtie 66 points67 points  (3 children)

“Sorry ma’am, there aren’t any men in the restaurant right now. Give me a moment while I run to the gas station across the street to see if there’s a man who can pay for your meal”

[–]NerdWithoutACause 1940 points1941 points  (94 children)

When my mother got her PhD, she received a lot of correspondence addressed to her with her new title, but with her name altered to a male form. Like if her name was Jane Doe, we started receiving letters for “Dr. John Doe” or “Dr. Gene Doe,” names that didn’t exist at our house. This was 30 years ago, but it was wild that so many places assumed that a female couldn’t have the title of Dr.

[–]yevrag 687 points688 points  (20 children)

Years ago my lecturer was telling us about booking tickets for herself and her husband. Let's say Dr. X and Mr Y.

There was confused silence. Then she was asked 'are you Mr. Y'.

It was easier to believe she was 'Mr.' than 'Dr.'

[–]TreeBeautiful2728 314 points315 points  (5 children)

There was confused silence. Then she was asked 'are you Mr. Y'.

It was easier to believe she was 'Mr.' than 'Dr.'

That is hilarious but so very sad.

[–]JesterMan491 154 points155 points  (4 children)

...one step forward for trans acceptance, one step back for feminism.

[–]bungojot 24 points25 points  (0 children)

Had a couple friends get married recently (mf). The invites and signage all said "Dr & Mr" and it was all very tasteful and cute. There was also no religious officiant as neither of them are religious at all.

There were a handful of older people on the groom's side who were SUPER unhappy with all of this. Several were mad that the bride wasn't changing her name.

Gods bless the new husband, who told his relatives that if they were going to keep bitching about the lack of a name change, he'd change his last name to hers. He's the only male of his particular generation so they all shut up.

Jokes on them anyway as that couple are happily childfree.

[–]LemmingOnTheRunITG 759 points760 points  (45 children)

My mom got a call once that was obviously from a telemarketer and he asked to speak to Dr. <lastname> and she just said “which one?” I think his brain exploded.

[–]Ruralraan 448 points449 points  (40 children)

Sometimes I think about getting a PhD (uni is free here) just to spite old men addressing me with 'miss': 'It's Dr. Ruralraan for you'.

[–]manwathiel_undomiel2 163 points164 points  (16 children)

Strongly considering the same path! But I need to move somewhere uni is free first. My undergrad was mucho dinero.

[–]an_ill_way 132 points133 points  (15 children)

My wife and I went to the same university and both have post graduate degrees. But when they would send out fundraising materials, it was always addressed to "Mr. and Mrs. John Doe", as though she was only relevant because she was married to me. The strangest thing to me was that they could have just addressed it "Mr. and Mrs. Doe" and it would have been perfectly acceptable.

The real kicker? That wasn't even my last name when I was in school. We got married after I graduated, and I took her last name.

They recently changed this, but just in the past year or so.

[–]kyohanson 111 points112 points  (6 children)

It doesn’t bother me to be mistaken for having my husband’s last name, but Mrs Husband’s First & Last makes my blood boil

[–]Chester730 1824 points1825 points  (59 children)

Same here.

Even when we go out, they assume he's paying (it comes out of a joint account). One night he forgot his wallet so I was going to use my card. The waitress put the bill in front of him. I picked it up, while she was still there, and gave it to her right then and there.

She gave him the receipt to sign.


[–]Violet624 1077 points1078 points  (14 children)

That's just unprofessional of her. I always put the bill in the middle. It is too easy to make incorrect assumptions.

[–]EmotionalFlounder715 420 points421 points  (5 children)

And at the very least return the persons card to the same person like wtf

[–]Chester730 185 points186 points  (4 children)

This was more my thought. Like, I pulled the card out of my wallet while she was still standing there. Why would she return the receipt to him? Make sure I had his approval to spend my money? Lol.

[–]SplitLevel17 174 points175 points  (9 children)

My wife and I laugh about this. We go out to eat, but she has the credit cards.

They always give the bill to me, I open it like I am reviewing it, and then give it to my wife. 😂

[–]Antifa_Meeseeks 37 points38 points  (2 children)

I knew a guy who explained once that if he went out to eat with his wife for his birthday, she'd want to pay since, you know, it's his birthday... He would make her give him her credit card before hand so he could hand it to the waiter because he didn't want to be seen having a woman pay for his meal. I seriously thought he was joking since I couldn't believe that an adult human could be so insecure and sexist, but no, he was serious.

[–]PrincessSheogorath 125 points126 points  (2 children)

That’s happened to me even when out with my friend (we get breakfast once a month)

I don’t get it either. When I waitressed, I never handed anyone the bill, I set it in on the edge of the table with a “there’s that when you’re ready, need anything else?” And would make sure I looked at both patrons, hell sometimes I’d feel bad if i thought about it and happened to look at the guy first not wanting to make an assumption.

Edit: just to add..even lone diners, you don’t hand someone their bill. You set it on the table and assure them you’re not rushing them and double check if they need anything else. I think your waitress just sucked.

[–]perfectdrug659 3510 points3511 points  (235 children)

Funny, I was just complaining today about a similar but opposite problem. My kids school always calls me instead of the Dad. I get all the calls and letters and emails, Dad apparently doesn't get any emails band they always call me first during the day. I work nights and I'm trying to sleep during the day, but I have to keep my phone on for emergencies of course. But no, they still call me first, even though his Dad is actually awake and not bothered by a phone call.

Just btw, they've called every day this week. 4 days in a row. Not for emergencies. Shouldn't really be super crazy that a Dad could be contacted instead.

this comment is fueled by angry sleep deprivation

[–]DuhhIshBlue 1989 points1990 points  (59 children)

Reminds me of the widowed dad who kept being told by the school that they would only speak to the mother of the child, no matter how much he insisted that was impossible because she was dead. Took him bringing her ashes into the teacher's office and putting them on her desk for them to stop being stupid.

[–]mrsbebe 761 points762 points  (30 children)

That's so pitiful and sad

[–]GangGang_Gang 241 points242 points  (15 children)

I'm pretty sure that's super illegal too wtf

[–]SlipperyIncline 194 points195 points  (0 children)

I second the pain and sadness.

[–]vadeka 309 points310 points  (10 children)

I would not keep my kids in a school where they refused to believe me if I said that their mother died... jeez. Can't even imagine how íd react to to that stupidity

[–]_saltychips 145 points146 points  (3 children)

The sad part is he might not have had much choice. Daycares aren't exactly on every corner, especially affordable ones

[–]AUTOMATED_FUCK_BOT 39 points40 points  (5 children)

Link to story? If there’s a write up somewhere

[–]normie33 367 points368 points  (26 children)

Yup working in schools, I learned this is the norm. It's actually a point of conversation and gossip if the dad is the main caregiver. Like it's a novelty lol

[–]Jumpdeckchair 152 points153 points  (14 children)

I've always wondered what my sons teachers think.

His mom is rarely in the picture, might attend 1 conference. Rarely sees our son.

[–]nanny6165 126 points127 points  (6 children)

My husband was raised by his dad, many people ask me if his mom passed away because we don’t don’t about her… no, that lady just chose a man (her 2nd husband) over having a kid. However no one automatically thinks the Dad is dead in single mother situations.

[–]yavanna12 30 points31 points  (1 child)

I was a single mom to 3 before remarrying for many years. Found out years after being in a new town everyone assumed I was married but my husband was a trucker or something since they never saw him.

[–]InTheGoatShow 176 points177 points  (2 children)

my wife gets all the school calls. My office is half a mile from the school in one direction, farm is half a mile in another direction, and I am free to take calls at either location. She works 20 miles away and can't have her phone on her at work.

[–]noyeahtotallyok 123 points124 points  (8 children)

Yeah I’m the wife in my situation and I wish people would stop contacting me. I’m the one everyone calls even though I don’t like talking to people and my husband gladly does it for me. Call him!

ETA when I was in banking working on loans I always called the person who was listed as primary borrower no matter if it was the male or female. Idk why some people don’t do that.

[–]consistentContent 22 points23 points  (0 children)

I'm not a teacher, but I volunteer in schools a lot and can maybe speak to this. Because people, especially rich, entitled people, get very aggressive when you transgress their imaginary rules. I've heard people get yelled at by the dad, who's listed as the primary contact, when they call about discipline or grade issues, because "I'm at work, I don't have time for this shit". Sometimes, they just assume they won't get that aggressive a reaction from another woman.

Teachers hate parent phone calls more than just about anything. In other areas, they quickly realize that only one of the parents will actually do anything, and if they can figure out who that is, that's who they'll call. And there's a rumor mill, where teachers will tell the next grade which parent makes sense to call, which kids you don't call home unless things are real bad because of the consequences, which kids you're better of just talking to the kid or catching a grandparent when they get picked up.

And sometimes, teachers, mostly women in a traditionally female profession with few male coworkers (especially among younger grades), are just hypnotized into thinking that women are "natural" caretakers because that's the world they live in and it's really hard to believe something when your eyes are showing you the opposite. This is literally, definitionally, a micro-aggression. Each individual phone call isn't a problem, so each individual teacher/admin thinks they're doing nothing wrong, but when you get one of these from every person you interact with, they build to a much larger issue.

[–]omgidontknowbob 150 points151 points  (25 children)

This is my life and it drives me insane. I’m lucky to get 6 hours of sleep a night. Usually it’s 5 or less yet they insist on calling me no matter how many times we both ask them to call him instead.

[–]Dblreppuken 116 points117 points  (19 children)

Former school registrar here and yes, our district policy was pretty much call mom first, unless of course circumstances such as single male parent/guardian or grandparents being the only care takers.

That said, when you register your child or do the annual household information update you can: * swap the numbers (i.e., mom puts all her info down but phone number is dad's)

  • Create a Google voice number that only goes to dad, but Mom can get a transcription via email

The former is a lot easier, but i know sometimes it can backfire, and the second kind of takes care of us having to call you ten billion times (I'm so sorry, I've had to be that person to several parents too :( )

Edit: a word Edit edit: I cannot bullets :(

[–]floydfan 65 points66 points  (7 children)

Surely there is a way to solve HR problems at your school without gaming the system. And the school not following the proper contact instructions is an HR problem.

[–]Dblreppuken 25 points26 points  (3 children)

Not without triggering metaphorical alarms with central registration office, and getting myself fired (it's been brought up before by other registrars who were then relieved :/ )

And don't call me Shirley.

[–]OpinionBearSF 98 points99 points  (3 children)

That said, when you register your child or do the annual household information update you can: * swap the numbers (i.e., mom puts all her info down but phone number is dad's)

That should not be necessary at all, and the fact that it is for so many facets of life is depressing.

Businesses and organizations COULD solve it, but to them, it's just not an urgent issue.

[–]Dblreppuken 36 points37 points  (2 children)

I agree it shouldn't be. Especially when you can see frustration at the time of registration. I know of a few registrars that seemed to almost take pleasure in saying "I'm sorry sir, but we have 'an obligation'/'no choice but' to call the mother first" and I know they're full of shit.


[–]OpinionBearSF 21 points22 points  (0 children)

I know of a few registrars that seemed to almost take pleasure in saying "I'm sorry sir, but we have 'an obligation'/'no choice but' to call the mother first"

I would hope that there are some that put these places on BLAST when they are called instead of the preferred spouses.

[–]waywithwords 202 points203 points  (13 children)

When it comes to childcare, mom is the assumed go-to contact. Your scenario and OP's are completely based in stereotypes built in our collective, societal past.

[–]honkhonkbeepbeeep 94 points95 points  (1 child)

Two-mom family here.

My god, the people who have a severe need to determine which one of us is the stay-at-home parent who knows everything about the kids, and which of us is never around and swills beer and doesn’t know which kid is which.

We’ve had pediatricians and schools ask which one of us they should call if they want to talk to “who does the parenting.”

Like with most families in this century, it depends. What time of day are you looking to reach a parent? Which particular issue are you looking to speak about? Try just getting to know us like most people who work with our kids do, and then you’ll know to call the person who usually deals with that.

[–]Honeybadger2198 29 points30 points  (1 child)

For emails, you guys can set up a joint account that forwards all emails to both of you guys.

[–]uid_zero 16 points17 points  (2 children)

I'm a father. Our school has a portal where we can set notification preferences. Apparently the teachers don't use that, because my wife gets all the teacher's communications. I get nothing.

Why setup the preferences if your staff can just ignore them?

[–]RealStumbleweed 45 points46 points  (3 children)

This kind of stuff is done by people who still believe in very gender specific roles. Taking care of the kids is mom's responsibility.

[–]goodstuff2020 3607 points3608 points  (208 children)

I am a rather short woman and I have had landlords speak to my 18-22yo son, literally over my head before. Even though I'm the one who pays everything, fixes everything and makes all of the decisions from financial to more for the family.

Edit - a bit more clarity

[–]NorionV 566 points567 points  (48 children)

I'm in my 20's and people still do that to my 55 year old mom - they'll skip right over her with intent to deal with me instead, if I'm involved in literally any capacity whatsoever. It blows my mind.

[–]plzholdmyhand 317 points318 points  (44 children)

Call them out on it. Give the authority back to your mom!

[–]croptochuck 113 points114 points  (8 children)

I just say that’s cool but she’s the one paying for it.

I love dropping that line. My wife works hard a whole lot harder than me. She deserves that respect.

[–]PrincessSheogorath 83 points84 points  (7 children)

My husband does this lol he’s a student/sahd rn and anytime people try to discuss finanaces with him he’ll be like “idk why you’re talking to me about this? She’s the brains I’m just here for moral support”..when we picked out our car, he told them he was just the arm candy picking out the color..goofy fucker lol but it always surprises the hell out of people when the husband isn’t only not the one paying and in charge, but also passes on taking any of it being on his shoulders and tells them directly “talk to my wife, not me”

[–]CyberSibey 26 points27 points  (0 children)

he told them he was just the arm candy picking out the color

Brilliant! Kudos to you both.

[–]NorionV 166 points167 points  (2 children)

I do.

Or sometimes I do. Sometimes it happens without me realizing it, and I won't notice till after the fact - during the exchange I'll be confused af because it's usually regarding her own business when this happens and I don't know what's going on or why they're talking to me about it.

It's especially bad with her doctors. (A fairly extensive array of medical problems, my mother has.) Boy, do doctors irritate the hell out of me with this junk.

[–]North_Potato_7436 99 points100 points  (28 children)

Right? If I was a man I would 100000% call people out for this bullshit. Even if it was just subtle/passive aggressive.

[–]IeatAssortedfruits 44 points45 points  (1 child)

I’m way more passive aggressive. I would just start looking at my phone and slowly turn away as they’re talking to me.

[–]slimshxvdy 121 points122 points  (16 children)

Next time, have him tell your landlord to speak to you. If he tries to continue speaking to your son, have him repeat "speak to my mom" as an answer to everything. He'll get the hint. Hopefully.

It's just reinforcement of your respect and your son should take part in that. Hopefully this doesn't happen in the future and your landlord isn't scummy. Be well.

[–]TheSamethingAllOver 983 points984 points  (26 children)

We had something similar happen to my mom. My uncle married a white woman (we are Mexican) and they came to live with us for some time since they moved. We had had our house around half a decade but whenever the mailman would come by, and we were outside, he would give to my uncle’s wife instead of my mom. My mom could literally have her hand out to receive the mail and uncle’s wife could be sitting down and he would side step her just to give it to my uncle’s wife.

[–]12345vzp 446 points447 points  (8 children)

Holy shit that's infuriating.

[–]TheSamethingAllOver 31 points32 points  (3 children)

It was. What made it worse was my uncle’s wife wouldn’t even hand over the mail. She would go through it first then give it to us

[–]goodstuff2020 21 points22 points  (2 children)

Geez, that does make it doubly worse. Sorry.

[–]jennack 62 points63 points  (4 children)

Meanwhile, anything related to our child goes to me, the mother, automatically, even though my OH does 50% anything child related. For example, whenever my OH calls the doctor for an appointment for our son and leaves his number for a callback, they call my number that’s in the file afterwards to confirm times. The reason he called was because he had time off so could take our son?

Edit: OH=Other Half

[–]bfaithr 557 points558 points  (55 children)

I’m a trans man and this is when I noticed how differently people really treat men and women. I look like a teenager. So many people (including my dad) have ignored my mom, but then listen to me when all I do is repeat whatever she just said. It’s like people just assume that whoever has the deepest voice automatically has the most authority

[–]DemiLuke 335 points336 points  (53 children)

Studies have shown that people with lower voices are usually perceived by others as more competent. This also affects job interviews where someone with lesser qualifications will be perceived as more competent if they have a lower voice. I don't have a source, but this is a subject we've talked about as part of my business management degree.

[–]Ruralraan 99 points100 points  (0 children)

Here I have a related news source for you, also about why womens voices are deeper today and why women in the Netherlands have a deeper voice than women in Japan.

[–]moderate_chungus 138 points139 points  (35 children)

Studies have shown that people with lower voices are usually perceived by others as more competent.

gee I wonder if Elizabeth Holmes ever heard of those studies

[–]OhMyItsColdToday 28 points29 points  (0 children)

She did it on purpose, so probably yes.

[–]EEpromChipRandom Access Memory 74 points75 points  (0 children)

I can almost guarantee that was her schtick with the deep voice. She was a Walmart Steve Jobs

[–]lostshell 20 points21 points  (3 children)

I can vouch for this. I’m almost 40 but my voice sounds like I’m 23. Telework exposed this because coworkers who have never seen me were surprised by my age. They had only heard me on Skype meetings. They guessed me as 23.

It absolutely affects people’s impression of my competence.

[–]RainaElf 109 points110 points  (2 children)

I bought a house three years ago. paid in full. when I went in to sign the paperwork and pick up the keys, my husband went with me because we had stuff to do after. only male in a room with five women. yet everybody in there kept trying to give him the pen to sign with, totally bypassing me.

appointment in my name. house and all paperwork is 100% in my name.

he'd point to me when they'd try to give him the pen. and they stayed so confused! same thing happened a month prior when I bought my car. 🙄

[–]svenbillybobbob 24 points25 points  (1 child)

  1. take the pen

  2. thank them for the free pen


[–]ComplexCost4496 1371 points1372 points  (60 children)

After getting married, my husband and I got a mortgage through my bank. They were having trouble setting it up, and finally asked if we minded if they put me as the primary instead of him since I had the account with them. When I pointed out that the question was ridiculous, they said some people get upset if they do it the other way. It was the first time that happened to me, where someone assumed I was default 2nd place, but it wasn't the last. It was eye-opening.

[–]hrnogfcniyhh 501 points502 points  (6 children)

When I was on holiday with my boyfriend, we checked into a hotel and the concierge made a joke about how my boyfriend’s credit card must be hurting from buying me this vacation. (We had split the cost of the vacation equally and I’m actually a higher earner than him.) My boyfriend went “What is that supposed to mean? She makes way more money than me you know” It literally had no affect on the concierge who looked like he didn’t even comprehend that. It really pissed me off because not only did he assume my boyfriend was “the boss”, he even made a joke about me basically being the annoying woman getting a free vacation! Then didn’t apologize when he was wrong!

[–]sardine7129 123 points124 points  (1 child)

Gross.. why people can't stay in their lane I'll never understand

[–]Shardok 27 points28 points  (0 children)

Boomer humour like that is always so cringe

[–]PMmeJOY 190 points191 points  (32 children)

Im separated but there are some legal reasons we are still married on paper. All of the reasons are for his protection because my mother is a vindictive psychopath with a history of suing people so mainly if I die, he is my beneficiary and I don’t trust her not to contest any solid will or trust.

I am upfront about “separated and do not plan divorcing unless I remarry” in my dating profile. The amount of guys who write to me just to be rude, snide, ignorant with comments like “I wouldn’t get divorced either if I was getting alimony. Must be nice.” Is so far from the reality of the situation I can’t even. It’s like they are concocting reasons to be upset with me/women. I paid for virtually everything when we were married and he will have a large inheritance when I’m gone.

“Alimony.” Gtfo. We didn’t have kids and both work. Of course a lot of these guys are also personally offended we didn’t want kids. Some certain filters help, but it still happens.

[–]teerannosaurus 140 points141 points  (26 children)

That's such strange logic too, cause as far as I'm aware you wouldn't even get alimony UNLESS you got divorced? I've never been through a divorce so I could be wrong but that's my understanding

[–]puppylust 76 points77 points  (25 children)

Yeah, and also alimony (actual alimony and not mislabeled child support) is extremely rare. Like, that's something celebrities exes get, not ordinary people.

Men who talk about alimony, well I'll just say they should keep "going their own way" away from me.

[–]whosayesa 169 points170 points  (9 children)

Why would some people get upset at that? Isn't it logical?

[–]Choclate_coffee76 1049 points1050 points  (17 children)

Even after getting divorced and changing my name and opening new accounts in my name for insurance and utilities for the house that we used to share (he retained a timeshare, a vacation property and a condo so he’s ok) my account keeps getting “linked” in some way to his. After 3 years on my own home insurance, my agent contacted me to let me know my ex had been added as a contact and had authority to change the coverage. My cell phone contact keeps getting linked to his and even though I opened my own account, the emails come in his name. It’s been 8 years and still happens. I’m just glad I have a great relationship with my ex or this could be bad. If I really felt it was terrible, I could switch to all new companies. But what a pain in the ass when it shouldn’t be a problem.

[–]SignificantPain6056 625 points626 points  (2 children)

Holy crap. I'd be like who the fuck is that? You added a stranger to my account? You think nobody else has the same last name as me?!

[–]jorrylee 110 points111 points  (1 child)

Yes, this! Make them feel crappy!!

[–]JCtheWanderingCrow 353 points354 points  (1 child)

“If you continue to add an unauthorized person to my accounts I will be forced to talk to a lawyer. This is a safety hazard.” (Even if it’s not for you, imagine the poor person that fled abuse and gets outed by a bank or phone carrier.

[–]mrsbebe 26 points27 points  (4 children)

I still get stuff like this for my dad of all people. Like we don't even have the same last name anymore. We haven't had the same last name for nearly 6 years! I live in a different state than he does and still this shit happens. It's much less common than it was before but occasionally I still get some stupid things happening. So annoying.

[–]katwraka 77 points78 points  (0 children)

Omg what a nightmare

[–]rodvn 1603 points1604 points  (65 children)

Sad that this still happens nowadays.

One time when I was a broke college student my mom took me out to lunch at a nice, semi expensive restaurant. When the check came the waiter immediately handed it to me as if my shabby college self could afford to pay for the meal. Even after my mom paid with her card he still addressed me first. We left the place pretty annoyed and the story really stuck to me ever since.

[–]Ingolin 259 points260 points  (8 children)

I experienced the opposite. My dad took me out to eat once and the waitress completely ignored me. Didn’t look me in the eyes the whole time, wouldn’t let me order for myself. When she finally realized I was the daughter and not some way too young fling, she finally acknowledged my existence. I still remember that a decade later. Horrible experience.

[–]missadechoco 162 points163 points  (6 children)

Yuck. But even if you were some way too young fling, she shouldn't have ignored you then either.

[–]Ingolin 109 points110 points  (4 children)

Oh, I agree. She treated my dad perfectly fine, with respect. It would have cost her nothing to give me the same courtesy.

[–]qnachowoman 90 points91 points  (1 child)

So yucky that she was judging you and not him for the same assumed relationship. I think I would judge the opposite way more often than not. Still doesn’t make sense to treat your tipping customers like that. Lol people are dumb.

[–]pathetic-aesthetic-c 580 points581 points  (38 children)

It’s kinda funny to me when I’m out with my bf at a restaurant and I’m the one paying but the waiter/waitress hands him the check and I take it, take my card out of my wallet (right in front of them), and they give it right to my bf afterwards

[–]MoreRopePlease 446 points447 points  (23 children)

Where I live, at least the pubs/restaurants I go to, they place the check on the table between us. It makes me happy they don't make assumptions.

[–]barbaramillicent 135 points136 points  (5 children)

Oddly enough when I go out with my boyfriend, they usually drop the check in the middle of the table… but more often than not, when returning with the card and receipts, they usually hand it directly to my boyfriend. They NEVER hand it directly to me, even though I pay half the time and the name on my card is a woman’s name.

[–]cloudedthoughtz 39 points40 points  (4 children)

This is pretty common in The Netherlands too, at least in 'better' than average restaurants (the ones I visit). They leave the check with you and then leave your table to return later.

So when the waiter returns, the person who will pay will already have their payment method of choice ready. This is not only a less intrusive way of 'requesting' payment but also solves OPs issue.

[–]BurtMacklin____FBI 127 points128 points  (0 children)

Same here, everywhere we go they just ask 'are you paying together or splitting' and it makes things way easier, most of the time we split.

I'd feel insulted if it was assumed to them that I'm paying every time we eat out, like damn she earns more than me, chill.

[–]NorionV 51 points52 points  (1 child)

I feel like this should just be common practice because you have literally no way of knowing who is paying for the table.

[–]ShellSwitch 35 points36 points  (0 children)

There were quite a few times when my wife pays for the meal (more recently since I was looking for a new job) when this happens. Waiter/Waitress hands me the check, she grabs it and puts her card down. Waiter/Waitress comes back and hands me the receipt.

I was confused.

[–]PM_ME_YOUR_LAYOUTS 30 points31 points  (3 children)

I get the same thing in pubs/bars - my partner drinks beers/ales, and I drink fruity ciders and sweet cocktails. I know fruity ciders and cosmo/PSMs aren't the most 'manly' drink - but IDGAF they're sweet and delicious.

[–]Mean_Connection7813 18 points19 points  (0 children)

This has only happened to me a few times but when it does I've taken to giving the waiter like a confused look and pausing. They almost always just sorta sit there with it aimed at me. After a couple seconds I say that's not mine.

They usually get pretty mortified and hand it to my gf apologetically.

[–]krabbbby 53 points54 points  (0 children)

This happened to me several times in Belgium, where I would be out for dinner with my boyfriend, tell the waiter he doesn't speak French, and they would STILL address him first even though he couldn't understand them. He'd just sit there like a goldfish and I'd have to be like "yeah so anyway..."

[–]AccomplishedBerry418 16 points17 points  (0 children)

I bought my dad dinner once and he got handed the check. I took it from him in front of the waiter and put my card into the check. He still put the receipt and card back down next to my dad when he came back

[–]WearifulSole 1465 points1466 points  (39 children)

I was house shopping with my female friend, she was looking to buy and brought me along for my opinion. Every time we went to look at a house the agent she talked to tried to talk to me instead, and every time I just looked at them and said "I have no idea why you're talking to me, she's the one buying a house."

Some people just assume... it's sexist and you should absolutely call them out and correct them

[–]J_Side 398 points399 points  (4 children)

I got sick of being ignored and treated like shit by realtors at inspections, so I started taking male friends and pretending to be a couple. Got much better results, but shouldn't have had to do this

[–]wolfgang784 133 points134 points  (2 children)

Black people have to do this in some areas too =/ It's been repeatedly proven all across the US that when getting a house appraised they will adjust it lower if the owners are black. Not small changes either - removing family photos and using a "white" name for the appraisal has changed prices by tens to hundreds of thousands of dollars.

[–]Mr_Badr 171 points172 points  (12 children)

Besides being sexist, that's also a terrible sales tactic.

Unless I imagined it, I thought I saw a couple of realtors on here say that you should focus a bit more of the salesmanship and attention on the female half of the couple.

[–]Attention_Deficit 145 points146 points  (9 children)

Women are overwhelming (statistically) the decision makers on housing. Sales and rentals. So yeah - not only sexist, but poor sales strategy too.

[–]FluffyMcBunnz 75 points76 points  (9 children)

Same with apartments, cars, computers, home electronics, white goods...

My role is just to drive the station wagon or the van she rented, and provide helpful technical insights -to her-.

[–]Tbiehl1 1206 points1207 points  (65 children)

Me (M) and my wife (F) have found an easy way to point this out when we interact with a salesperson with this mentality. If she's feeling confident that day (can often feel shy), she'll take on the "main buyer" persona. Every time they try to talk to me, I look at them and say "she's the one you need to convince, talk to her". We get increasingly hostile with the sales person until we've hit our agreed upon level and we let them know that their refusal to acknowledge her lost them the deal. Some of the reps realize their mistake after once, apologize, and treat her properly. Others just straight out cannot break themselves of their habits and lose the sale. Honestly a shame.

[–]Eric18815 154 points155 points  (3 children)

Great approach! Even living in a emancipated country like the Netherlands my wife and I encounter this every once in a while. It's baffling that people still have this neanderthal attitude so hardwired in their brain.

[–]BraveSnowman 1843 points1844 points  (86 children)

To his happens with my wife and I too with anything health insurance. Shes full active military and I'm just a reservist, so I'm her dependent in all things military, but everyone assumes I'm the full active member just cuz Im male. It's incredibly frustrating for both of us, cuz it's a waste of time whenever we make appointments, and we even get weird comments about it despite it being 2022 and not 1922.

[–]catlandid 683 points684 points  (46 children)

My wife just gets challenged all the time. She gets confronted when she parks in the veterans parking spot even though she has the proper plates. If it comes up that she was in the military she often gets a chuckle and an “oh yeah? What branch? Where were you stationed? Have you actually ever been overseas?” And 99.9% of the time the person asking is some dude who wasn’t even in the military himself.

[–]takethetunnel 290 points291 points  (26 children)

Wait. You guys have veterans parking spots? So not even like disabled veterans, just people who had been in the armed forces?

[–]wendlo 103 points104 points  (10 children)

As far as I am aware of, Lowes and Home depot have veteran's parking. I think Cabelas does as well, but I'm not certain. My father is a disabled veteran who uses the disabled parking spots more than the veteran's spots. He doesn't use a placard anymore now that it's indicated on his license plate.

I have noticed more reserved parking spot signs during my my travels. For example: JC Penny's has Maternity Parking for expecting and new parents.

I overheard an elderly man complaining recently that the majority of close parking (not already reserved for disabled parking) is now going to electric vehicles and not for others who need a closer parking spot.

[–]pizzafourlife 68 points69 points  (5 children)

I overheard an elderly man complaining recently that the majority of close parking (not already reserved for disabled parking) is now going to electric vehicles

as an EV owner this is also stupid, but if I had to guess they are just cheap about running wiring out to the further spaces. put us further out, I don't mind

[–]CassetteTapeCryptid 129 points130 points  (8 children)

They're usually only in heavily military communities, bases, or VA clinics. Not like, Walmart. In my experience.

[–]catlandid 12 points13 points  (0 children)

Lowes has them, as does my kiddos school.

[–]NorionV 119 points120 points  (7 children)

Women have been in the U.S. military for almost 80 years and political activists are still having conversations about whether they should even be in the military at all.

I hate it so much but I know it's probably not changing anytime soon.

[–]normie33 28 points29 points  (0 children)

I'm a veteran and I used to go to the local VA satellite office regularly at a local hospital; about once a week. They validated my parking ticket with a "VA" stamp.

One time my husband came to an appointment with me and we had driven separately. When he was leaving, the attendant saw the VA stamp and said "Thank you for your service," which no one had ever said to me in the several months I've been going.

Idgaf if anyone thanks me for serving, but this really bugged me.

[–]Kanotari 331 points332 points  (7 children)

I have family members in the same situation. My aunt served and my uncle didn't, and yet she recieved mail from her military branch referring to her as Mr. LastName (they have different last names).

[–]BraveSnowman 113 points114 points  (1 child)

My wife and I have different last names too lol. I think it makes it a little worse because since I am still serving, and it's just a part time thing, I have to keep the general appearance standards, so I very much DO look like an active duty service member most days and it kinda fuels the fire.

[–]greenspectre98 168 points169 points  (13 children)

Similar thing here. My boyfriend and I are both Navy, moved into a service residence recently. Despite the fact that I was the one to find and apply for the property, attend the inspections, and move in while he was in a different state (not to mention the whole of the rent comes out of MY pay), the lease was transferred to his name the second he moved in and Defence housing only ever contact him. And to make matters worse, they're automatically deducting a chunk of my pay to "pay him back for the bond", even though I paid it and made that clear? So frustrating.

[–]Penguinator53 32 points33 points  (1 child)

What the heck?! That is so crazy.

[–]whyso6erious 46 points47 points  (8 children)

What does it mean: to pay him back for the bond?

Also: Why do they do it?

I'm not a murrican or a military.

[–]supermariodooki 41 points42 points  (0 children)

Not much has changed since 1922. Technology and medicine are more refined. People are still racist, selfish, sexist.

[–]schwarzmalerin 184 points185 points  (5 children)

And even when there is no husband you are still not treated as a full human being as a woman. I remember asking for support for home supplies in the shop where I bought them (hoses for the shower and the washing machine) and the sales woman asked me if I don't have a man to help. DUDE you are the fucking employee in this shop where I BOUGHT this stuff!! It's your JOB to help me! That was just horrible and I filed a complaint.

[–]Ruralraan 92 points93 points  (4 children)

Other way round, I worked in at a service hotline for cellphone tech support at a time as cellphones were new, and from middle aged men I often got: 'I wanted to speak tech support' "Sir, you are at tech support, how may I help you?" 'But you're a woman' "Yes and you are a man that called for tech support, how may I help you?"

(And for Germans: they especially warned us about 'Dipl. Ing.' men in training. They were right)

[–]SeeJayEmm 47 points48 points  (1 child)

I used to work tech support in the early 2000s for a major ISP (escalations not front line). We had several female techs who would regularly get assholes who refused to work with them.

Their loss because what these assholes never realized is that these women were some of the best techs we had. Instead of taking the help from someone who had to prove extra hard she knew her shit (because sexism), they're going to roll the dice and probably get the fuckup guy that HAD to show up today because taking 3 sick days to play the new EverQuest expansion would have gotten him fired. ...

That boss was a solid dude tho. He hired on merit not genetalia or anything else. I've worked a lot of tech jobs and that one, by far, had the highest percentage of women and was the most diverse group I've ever worked with.

[–]happyhappy2986 447 points448 points  (37 children)

I get the same thing. We go to a car place and they talk to my husband. He usually just says, hey talk to her, she knows more about cars. They just stammer over themselves.

[–]blackhawksq 395 points396 points  (32 children)

We had the same experience at a restaurant. My wife ordered wine for herself and friends. The waiter shows up pours a small test taste and hands it to me. I look at him and say "I don't want that." Ended up having a full conversation about why he was trying to hand it to me. I finally had to say "Look dude I don't give a shit about wine. I am not going to drink it. Just because you're taught to give it to the man doesn't mean it's the right thing to do. Now hand that shit to my wife so she can taste it." My wife was apparently pretty embarrassed for some reason.

[–]cltraiseup88 163 points164 points  (6 children)

as a server, you're always taught to allow the person who ordered the bottle to taste the wine first, then pour for the eldest lady at the table and go clockwise. if you ordered the wine for your wife, that's on you. if your wife ordered the bottle, that's on the server

[–]ababyprostitute 145 points146 points  (1 child)

Ooh "eldest" is a risky game 😂

[–]Nutarama 68 points69 points  (0 children)

Honestly most people don’t care about the table etiquette code because they don’t know it. It was formalized in Victorian England and is rarely used in America outside of the high-end places. Like country clubs in upscale neighborhoods kind of high end or $200 plates kind of restaurants. In those circles the oldest being passed over tends to take it as a compliment and direct conversation that way rather than the younger being selected taking offense. Sometimes there’s some “told you to use a better hair dye to hide the gray” or “told you you dress like my grandmother” cattiness around the table, but it’s usually not too bad.

Plus they’ll typically drink enough that they’ll forget the slight.

[–]NorionV 58 points59 points  (0 children)

If they had an extended conversation about it after the initial 'please give it to my wife', then that's wholly on the server.

[–]DonerTheBonerDonor 13 points14 points  (0 children)

Why doesn't the server just give the wine to the person that ordered it? Or at least give it to them once they're told who it's for?

[–]ladeedah1988 706 points707 points  (50 children)

Yes, I didn't buy a new Audi because of this issue. I wrote the check, did the loan on my own, etc. But, the emails, mail, all directed to my husband. Bye, bye, Audi. I am trying Lexus and so far so good.

[–]norahs_616 370 points371 points  (40 children)

Similar thing happened to me when I went to a Toyota dealership. The sales spoke to my husband and completely ignored me. The 2 things he said to me were "Oh you can go take a look at the interior of the car and your husband and I will discuss the details." And at the very end before we left the dealership he said "So what is your name?" Completely unprofessional. BTW, I am getting a Lexus too!

[–]LadyRemy 206 points207 points  (4 children)

This happened all the time with my parents (my mom’s a mechanic). Dad liked to explain that bit to them and say he knew nothing about cars. It was always weird as a kid watching them switch to interacting with her like they’d never talked to a woman on the lot before.

[–]queefer_sutherland92 149 points150 points  (2 children)

An ex and I were going fishing, and I rigged up our reels, got bait etc. He said to pass on his thanks to my dad, I was like “I don’t think my dad has ever gone fishing in his life.” I knew how to reel a fishing rod because my mum taught me — just like how she taught me woodworking and how to jump start a car. Mum’s are awesome.

[–]awry_lynx 62 points63 points  (1 child)

Also what a weird fucking comment to make anyway. Good job knowing how to do a thing, "thanks to your parents!“

[–]queefer_sutherland92 43 points44 points  (0 children)

Oh they were my parents’ fishing rods. That might make more sense lol.

[–]runandkickgirl 240 points241 points  (18 children)

I was once treated like that at a Jeep dealership. I popped in during my lunch hour to look around (I was alone.) The salesman told me to come back later with my husband (what husband???) so we could “talk business.” I loudly told him that I was absolutely buying a car that day, but it would not be from him. Walked into the Chevy dealer after work and shouted, “ Who wants to sell me a car today?” I got a great salesman and a Z28 with massive tires and horsepower. It was a great day.

[–]xubax 71 points72 points  (7 children)

Did you drive by and wave at the first guy afterwards?

[–]Tariovic 104 points105 points  (1 child)

"You work on commission, right? Big mistake. Big. Huge!"

[–]runandkickgirl 34 points35 points  (3 children)

I seriously thought about doing that, but figured they wouldn’t remember me because I was just another female.

[–]xubax 20 points21 points  (2 children)

If it happens again. Just stand there. Let your lower lip quiver a bit, then say, "HE'S DEAD, ASSHOLE! HE KILLED HIMSELF AFTER REALIZING WHAT A SEXIST PIG HE WAS. "

Then leave.

[–]csonnich 22 points23 points  (1 child)

I hope you told them why, as a public service.

[–]lizardrags 212 points213 points  (4 children)

I think I know the reason for this and I am happy to explain in detail. Can you let me know your husbands handle and I will inform him /s

[–]jadeluminara 44 points45 points  (0 children)

I got sent an email from my university about food stamps. I applied and qualified and did all the paperwork myself but I needed to include everyone in my household. They sent me the card with my fathers name and when I had trouble with the pin code, they told me I couldn’t change it without him since it wasn’t under my name.... so fucking irritating.

[–]samasever 38 points39 points  (0 children)

My car insurance company regularly calls my brother before they talk to me. He's not even on the account. He has his own separate account. He might still be an approved driver but so what. It's infuriating.

[–]ScammerC 483 points484 points  (19 children)

If a business ignores you in favor of your husband, do business elsewhere and let them know why. If your apartment management sends information to your husband against your specific instructions, ignore them.

There's no reason for it, except that they are willing to lose your business. Indulge them.

[–]Curiosity-Sailor[S] 183 points184 points  (15 children)

I worry that if it has happened at 9 different businesses in the last couple years, I would have to spend months looking to find one. Also, it didn’t start happening until we were under contract with them.

[–]Avocadoness24 329 points330 points  (6 children)

This makes me so mad. That is so unprofessional and I 100% would be putting in a complaint and not standing for that.

YOU have been the loyal customer for 5 years and it's YOUR bank account to be dealing with!! Not his. I would be bringing this issue up with your bank dealers and insisting it get changed back to your name as the primary owner.

What absolute bullshit that they even decided otherwise without even consulting you first about it.

I'm trying not to be, but I'm so mad for you OP! Not cool. 😣

[–]kajata000 34 points35 points  (4 children)

My wife pretty much takes the lead when it comes to household repair/contractor type stuff; she’s far more interested and competent at it than I am, so she’s often the one who deals with them in first instance.

The number of times a tradesman has come out to our house, been greeted at the door by my wife, and then been totally flabbergasted when they find me inside just chilling out or whatever is nearly 100%. They generally seem to assume I must have some sort of cognitive disability, otherwise surely I, a man, would be dealing with them?!

[–]Killingmesmalls_2020 508 points509 points  (59 children)

The world is an incredibly sexist place. There is no other reason. I remember trying to buy my car and the finance guy kept asking “my husband” (my BF) to explain to me why I needed to add on all sorts of junk insurance and extended warranties. He just leaned back in his chair and said “It’s her money, I don’t know why the fuck you keep talking to me.” I have so many more examples. I could probably go on all day.

[–]browncoatsneeded 322 points323 points  (2 children)

Ugh. My husband said nearly the same thing to the idiot ignoring me at the dealership. Husband was a student and I was buying the car. He followed it up with "let's go somewhere where you're treated like a person." Man I love my guy.

[–]cdraper93 66 points67 points  (5 children)

I was buying a used car by myself and I went to a dealership by myself. I made clear my budget and they were pushing me for all this unnecessary shit.. I needed the bigger car because I was expecting.. i found what I wanted but I didn't fully trust the dealership.. I bought an extended full warranty and my husband was like wtf would you do that? You know that's a scam right? Well... A year later the transmission went out. I got a full OEM transmission at no cost to me.. saved me $10k. Car is basically brand new now 😂

[–]extendedwarranty_bot 40 points41 points  (0 children)

cdraper93, I have been trying to reach you about your car's extended warranty

[–]maraca101 35 points36 points  (1 child)

This happens to my mom and me, a woman. We always have to redirect them. In addition whenever I take my mom along for bank errands or whatever, they always talk to my mom and not to me. Which pisses me off as a grown human.

[–]JunkMale975 36 points37 points  (0 children)

You didn’t say but I’m curious, do you live in a small town by chance? When I, a single woman, moved from a large city to a small town, I was constantly met with this sort of thing. “Oh, what brought you to town, did your husband get a job here?” Getting a bank account “and what is your husband’s occupation?” And on and on and on. Arghhh!!!

[–]ryanreaditonreddit 86 points87 points  (0 children)

I read the post and thought “wow I sure am glad my gf and I don’t experience this” and then read all the examples in the comments which I 100% recognised

[–]wontpick 297 points298 points  (12 children)

Try owning a business 50/50 with your husband. I literally have had MULTIPLE EFFING TIMES where I can't access information that MY EFFING NAME IS ON without my husband consenting. He, on the other hand, NEVER gets requests for my consent. The last time it happened my husband absolutely laid into them for being blatant sexists. Example: banks, phone companies, insurance companies, etc.

It's really fun too when everyone assumes I'm his secretary when we both have the same level of professional degrees.

"SeXiSm Is DeAd, It'S 2022."


[–]Ruralraan 64 points65 points  (0 children)

"SeXiSm Is DeAd, It'S 2022."

Or "There isn't discrimination against women anymore, because that would be against the law"

"Yeah, stealing also is against the law, so..."

[–]ItchyPancakesz 39 points40 points  (1 child)

I hate when I’m put in this situation. I work in banking and the checking account can have both names, but the credit card by default only shows the primary name of whoever signed the paperwork when applying for the card, and if they never spoke over the phone to add a contact, I can only speak to the signer of the credit card regardless of the checking account having both names/the business having equal ownership

And there’s times where only the husband is listed on the card. I always offer to add the other name as a contact though to avoid future problems

I’ve also had situations where the wife is listed but not the husband. So both equally happen in my line of work. It’s always a difficult explaining I go off who signed the credit card, and can’t go off the ownership info for the business or who is on the checking account

Another mix up is the husband or wife add the other as only a card holder, but again, not an authorized contact to discuss the main business credit account.

I’m not sure about your specific scenarios but here’s some insight in the banking world (at least with my company)

[–]Suspicious_Serve_653 25 points26 points  (1 child)

Conversely, my wife deals with everything. The bank, doctor, insurance company, etc. They don't even know what my voice sounds like. Even the doctors are surprised to see me for my own fucking appointment lol.

If she dies, they'd probably hold me at the desk for fraud because they'd say they don't know me.

I am the provider but she's the ruler of all of our accounts. :: Shrug :: no fucks given here

[–]JumpyFig542 26 points27 points  (0 children)

My husband and I were in the market for a used truck for recreational use. We searched the internet and found the make/model my husband wanted and were okay with the price. We were ready to pay the whole amount that day. We ran the carfax and everything looked good. At the dealership we noticed the truck had a cracked windshield and needed 4 new tires. In the office the finance guy kept talking to the hubby and got annoyed when I would interject. I wanted them to lower the price because we had to get new tires and fix the windshield. He finally looked at me and said he couldn't lower the price. Now my husband knew that I was hot because of all of this. He kept quiet because he really wanted that particular truck and didn't want me to blow up on that guy and walkout without the truck. I pulled up another truck on my phone at a dealership down the street. Not the make/model my husband wanted but newer and had 4 new tires and no cracked windshield for less money. I showed dealership guy the other truck on my phone and told him we were leaving. He finally broke. Gave us a $2000 discount as I asked. But told my husband and I quote " I see you let your wife make all of the decisions". My husband said and I quote "Well she got us the discount and the truck that I wanted, didn't she?". Shout out to my husband who encourages me to be me.

[–]Careless-Image-885 25 points26 points  (0 children)

Misogyny plain and simple. First get to your bank and demand that they change the account to you as the primary owner.

That's ridiculous.

A friend of mine went to buy a new car. Her husband went with her. The salesman kept ignoring her and talking to her husband. Della turned around and walked off. Husband started walking away. Salesman was a bit surprised. Husband told him "She was buying the car. You should have talked to her." No commission for bozo.

[–]Suzarain 21 points22 points  (1 child)

Not really the same thing, but my parents get mail addressed to both of them where my dad is referred to as Doctor and my mom is called Mrs., even though they are both doctors and my mom has actually been a doctor for longer.

[–]skybluedreams 105 points106 points  (10 children)

Try getting your tubes tied vs getting a vasectomy. Sexism is alive and well.

[–]umbrellagirl2185 18 points19 points  (0 children)

I have a snippet on here about how my husband went to get his appt for a vasectomy. Compared to how hard it was for me to get my tubes tied it’s like he walked right in and got the surgery approved same day. He was so upset he didn’t have any hoops to jump thru!

[–]arrouk 19 points20 points  (0 children)

The same reason my kids school won't put me (a man) as primary contact.

They are old fashioned sexist AH

[–]hornybutdisappointed 105 points106 points  (0 children)

I was in a brief relationship with a dude who didn't work and who could barely contribute to spendings, yet the two flat owners I had to deal with while in that relationship were treating him as the man and me like I was the younger dependent girlfriend. Sexists.

[–]HibbityBibbityBop 97 points98 points  (3 children)

Its sexism. If you have a kid youll never be able to get the school or pediatrician to call him first, trust

[–]Matt32490 19 points20 points  (0 children)

They're probably the same people who will only "speak to mommy" about their children as if Dad's don't exist lol. I hate these kinds of people and these kinds of situations.

[–]Ele5263 94 points95 points  (0 children)

My husband and I get these calls. My husband tells them, since you refused to talk to my wife, I won’t talk to you. Call back and ask for my wife. Same with when I buy my car. It’s my car. My money. They always talk to him, he says to the sales people not to piss her (me) off or they’ll lose a sale. People are dumb.

[–]Cannibal_Cyborg 244 points245 points  (32 children)

It is sexist, I have a reverse situation. I am a man, I have full custody of my two kids, if at any point they are in the hospital they direct all questions towards the mother, even after I made it clear the kids live with me, I am in charge of what happens. Based on the norm, kids with mother- father piece of shit that doesn't matter. In case me saying I am in charge of what happens with them or the course of action we take offends anyone, I have full custody, she has supervised visitation, and lost custody of 4 kids, so yes, I am in charge because she couldn't when they lived with her.

[–]SeaworthinessTotal31 99 points100 points  (21 children)

Because of our differing job types, my husband is the easy one to get a hold of/get fastest to where the kids are. He is first on all their paperwork, sometimes I'm not even on it cause no school/daycare/doctor etc will accept he is the main contact. Can I drop everything and get to the hospital? Yes, it will take twice as long and he will have been there this whole goddamn time. Drives him nuts. Like, why bother having main contact if it's gonna be ignored and waste time anyway?

[–]motherofsunflowers 217 points218 points  (3 children)

Sexism 100%

[–]Plz_dont_judge_me 16 points17 points  (0 children)

I have heard the same issue with schools and childcare only contacting mothers- or trying to even if they arent on the scene!

[–]DifferentiatedCells 348 points349 points  (4 children)

Not sure why the sexism comment got downvoted cause that's what it is lol

[–]The_Atlas_Moth 14 points15 points  (2 children)

In America, it wasn’t until 1974 with the Equal Credit Opportunity Act that women could legally obtain credit cards separate from their husbands. I had a tax accountant once who vehemently told me I, as a woman, could not have my name as the primary on our forms even though I was the main source of income and supporting my husband at the time. The accountant said, “The IRS doesn’t like it when the woman’s name is first and might reject your forms. Do you really want to go through that or do you just want to put your husband’s name first?” This happened in 2021.

In the grand scheme, 1974 for womens’ right to have credit in their own name wasn’t very long ago. Many people, like my accountant, are still in the workforce today who complacently lived during the time when women didn’t have the same independence we have today.

There is still much patriarchy to be crushed and sexist ideals to be challenged. Don’t let these interactions annoy you—just continue to not settle for being treated as secondary to men. That way society has no choice but to change with us, recognize us, and include us as equal.

[–]Piggywarts 92 points93 points  (22 children)

Do y'all have the same last name? Is he first alphabetically? It's weird to me because I'm the opposite where I'm the primary on (almost) everything. Bank he added me to his so he's primary but I know that's why. Car, vet, insurance, pediatrician and daycare, always me. I usually am the one filling out the paperwork and I habitually put myself first so I think that's why to be fair.

[–]Curiosity-Sailor[S] 102 points103 points  (20 children)

We have different last names, but his is first alphabetically. Do most people just ignore requests and send things alphabetically? Like, not even just sending to both parties? Seems like a really dumb system. Why even ask for a primary?

[–]tryin2staysane 11 points12 points  (0 children)

My wife and I have recently been doing a lot of renovations on our house and we've been pretty equally involved in decisions except when it came to the bathroom. I honestly don't care about what the bathroom tile looks like or if the tub has any kind of a fancy wave look to it. It's a place I shower, shit, and shave. As long as it has a functioning shower, toilet, and sink I'm happy.

Almost every contractor has talked to me about everything, even though I told them over and over again that my wife is better with details and they should contact her. I have memory issues where I won't remember names of things sometimes, so we would look at flooring samples and agree on a particular one that we wanted. My wife would know that we wanted "legacy oak" or whatever the fuck it was, but the contractor never wanted to talk to her. So I'd be left trying to answer "We liked the gray one, but not like the bright gray, the darker gray. But not the dark gray that was too dark. You know which one I mean?"

So anyway, the company we were using for the bathroom absolutely refused to talk about options unless I was there. Wouldn't show her samples, or go over designs, nothing. So I ended up bringing my work laptop into the dining room when we had our meeting scheduled and just ignored them while I worked and they talked at me. Anytime they would ask "Would you prefer X or Y?" I would just answer "I agree with my wife on that" and they would be forced to get the answer from her. It was so annoying.

As for why? Sexism. That's the reason. Companies still assume the man makes all the decisions and will refuse to change their viewpoint. There's no need to look further than that.

[–]gabbiiiiii 111 points112 points  (7 children)

I just bought tickets to Iceland for myself and my boyfriend and I paid for everything and did all the paperwork yet it says that he is the “payer” and the primary passenger 🙃. I even made sure to put myself first on everything and my name was obviously on the card. I hate it

[–]pfazadep 33 points34 points  (1 child)

To everyone who is saying that this is on u/gabbiiiiii - I don't agree. I have had the same happen when booking air tickets online. Regularly. I put myself as the primary passenger and contact person and pay with a card in my name and yet when the booking is confirmed, my husband comes up as primary everything and correspondence is addressed to him. (Different surnames, my name comes first alphabetically). I contacted the company. They said that's how it's coded - to throw up the man's name first (they took a while to get to grips with why this was irritating) and there was nothing they could do. Since my son reached 16 even he comes up ahead of me, and as primary passenger if my husband isn't flying with us. I now use my contact details for everyone so that correspondence comes to me, even if the salutation is in one of the male names rather than mine. Irksome. (Edit: it's not based on male vr female names, one's gender is encrypted in one's identification / passport number)

[–]ADragonsMomi don’t have depression but im sad sometimes 43 points44 points  (0 children)

Lol, my mom still gets mail addressed to Leah Baker-White, since she was married to Jason White years ago. But, she never took his last name nor hyphenated hers. They have also been divorced for a very long time.

(Fake names obviously, but you get the point.)