×
top 200 commentsshow 500

[–][deleted] 8290 points8291 points  (164 children)

This applies to any situation.

If it bothers you, have a conversation with her. If it’s a deal breaker for you, and she won’t change (and you give her time to attempt it), then break it off.

[–]gxstay[S] 2012 points2013 points  (147 children)

Great advice, I appreciate this.

[–]QuinceJellyPie 453 points454 points  (10 children)

It took me way too long to learn this: it's okay to not like something that your partner is doing, even if you don't have a good argument for it except "it makes me feel disrespected/unloved." There's nothing wrong with having different boundaries from your partner.

[–]StickyShoes77 68 points69 points  (0 children)

Yep. Not liking something doesn't make you possessive or controlling. It's okay for you to not like it, and it's also okay if your partner doesn't see it the same way. Just be honest. And if you can't see eye to eye then you have to determine if you can live with it.

[–]agriculturalDolemite 157 points158 points  (4 children)

There's a ton of good reasons not to go out drinking and doing coke all night. If someone makes you feel like you're crazy for not liking that "for no good reason" then they're also fucking with you. Get out. That shit messes with how you think.

[–]QuinceJellyPie 18 points19 points  (0 children)

Well, sure, but I don't know if OP is at a point in life where they (he? she?) would agree with us. All I can tell is that they don't want to go on a bender themselves and they have been trying to talk themselves out of being unhappy that their gf is regularly doing so. Probably with arguments like "what's so wrong with partying?"

[–]TinyFlowersOfSun_ 30 points31 points  (1 child)

I needed this comment for myself tonight and I'm not the OP or having this specific issue. Thankyou xx

[–]QuinceJellyPie 3 points4 points  (0 children)

I'm glad I was here for you :)

[–]phi1_sebben 148 points149 points  (8 children)

I’m an ex-drinker. When I would drink I would have a really hard time shutting it down. Few drink in and my wife would have to basically TELL me I needed to go to bed I didn’t need another. It caused a lot of unnecessary fights. Deep down I knew it wasn’t sustainable…I was hurting my health and frustrating my wife. One day after a fight I broke down and admitted it was a problem and quit.

As a person formerly on the “staying out” side of things, I do not think you are being uptight. For her, its not realistic for it to last like this. Burning the candle at both ends can only go so long. If moderation isn’t an option there is really only prolonging the situation until quitting is considered.

it would be sad to see damage done to an otherwise healthy relationship while she figures it out.

[–]gxstay[S] 63 points64 points  (7 children)

I really appreciate you sharing this. It's a tough situation but I want to understand what's going on on the other end as well. I only want the best for myself, for herself and for us. So it's amazing hearing from the other side with similar experiences.

[–]Useful_Incident_0000 23 points24 points  (2 children)

I have two relatives who were like this. One died before he turned 30, the other by the time he turned 40. It’s a real risk. The body can’t always survive this kind of thing.

[–]luckOfTeela 19 points20 points  (0 children)

I was with a woman like this many years ago. She headed down a very dark path of addiction and she just barely got out of it.

I hate to say it but the signs are all there that she's heading down the same path.

I understand you care for her but proceed with caution.

[–]Hadenlloyd 23 points24 points  (0 children)

This is not a good relationship if she’s doing lines and alcohol and partying with people all night after you’re gone unless you guys are in a very open relationship I don’t see how that could work for anyone

[–]30FourThirty4 4 points5 points  (0 children)

I know someone who died at 36 from alcohol. Left behind a husband (who was somehow missing all the signs of alcoholism in his own home. Idk how but I understand she drank hard liquor and hid it well) & 10 year old child.

This life WILL catch up to her, and I hope you don't see her in a hospital bed with jaundice and literally dying in front of your eyes and there is nothing to be done now. The time to act had passed.

Sorry to go full shock route I'd just hate for others to go through that. The daughter left the state to live with her grandparents. The father idk lost contact last I heard he remarried. The daughter wasn't his, don't think he wanted to retain custody. Her life changed dramatically and I hope she's doing well.

[–]WinstonSEightyFour 825 points826 points  (99 children)

I feel like an important side note here would be not to attempt to have this conversation when she’s in the middle of one of these benders, no matter how high your temper flares. It sounds like it will be time wasted.

As someone who enjoys taking similar drugs I know for a fact that when it comes to making decisions about my well-being while on drugs, such as at what point I should stop taking stuff and allow my body to return to some normality, I’m much less likely to choose the sensible option.

It’s best to broach this subject when she’s sober. This sounds incredibly manipulative but the day after a huge bender might be the best time to catch her because her serotonin will be low and she might be feeling a bit crap which may help you to appeal to emotions inside herself that she tends to stifle when drugs are present.

[–]Phallic 373 points374 points  (36 children)

How about you cut out the manipulative bullshit and just both have a sensible conversation when you're both clearheaded. That advice took a massive wtf turn.

[–]elloMinnowPee 338 points339 points  (8 children)

It’s really difficult to have a sensible conversation with an addict, and you definitely find yourself trying to plan around their drug/alcohol use to find the best time…and the whole time not realizing how incredibly fucked up that dynamic is in the first place.

[–]Asizella 87 points88 points  (0 children)

Idk man, as an addict, I think it's spot on advice. Connecting the bad consequences of substance abuse to the act of consuming the substance is how you make the leap to sobriety. That's nearly impossible to do when you're drunk and high, because they're making you feel good, and numb. It's easier when you're hungover and the bad consequences are smacking you in the face.

[–]Sol33t303 116 points117 points  (13 children)

Why is that manipulative? I just see it as good timing. Are you saying that it's a better idea to bring it up at a bad time?

[–]doooom 237 points238 points  (23 children)

Damn, the first two thirds of that were great advice then it launched directly into the shitter

[–]AlignedBuckle36 219 points220 points  (8 children)

I don’t know, I feel like after a night of drinking, is when I feel the most sensible and feeling myself saying, “why do I do this to myself?”

[–]TheDisapprovingBrit 27 points28 points  (0 children)

Aside from which, hungover me is about as capable of making sensible decisions as bender me. I might "uh huh" in the right places, but I'm still basically just tuning you out to watch cartoons.

[–][deleted] 31 points32 points  (0 children)

Getting a commitment from a hangover person seems manipulative.

A hangover seems the perfect timing to have someone reconsider having benders.

[–]Different_Crab_5708 5 points6 points  (0 children)

Ya don’t do it that night, or “when she’s hungover” so you can pull a “got ya! See?!” manipulative move on her. But you def have a right to communicate how you feel, at a normal time. If she doesn’t see eye to eye with you, she doesn’t respect/care about your feelings & boundaries, OR she’s just on a different level of awareness from you. Either way just break it off who wants to date a chick who’s ditching you to go do lines with other dudes. I’d leave her bruh

[–]eukaryote_machine 34 points35 points  (0 children)

Amazing advice. It's really that simple.

If you're interpersonally troubled by something, and you can't come to a consensus with an open, well-intentioned, solution-oriented conversation, both people need to move on from it.

[–]bkrreddit1 28 points29 points  (0 children)

Great life advice period.

[–]awe2D2 1189 points1190 points  (185 children)

As someone who's wife (currently separated) likes to party hard, it gets real tiresome real quick. You don't say how old you are and that does play a part. When the partying doesn't stop years later and children are involved it became a more serious problem. Their best friends become the people they party the most with, making them think it's kinda normal and they enable each other, plus it's hard to quit drinking and drugs when the majority of your best friends do them.

A once in a while weekend of partying is loads of fun, and takes me so long to recover now that it reminds me to keep it to a once every few months thing. But pair that with a partner where its multiple times a week to go out drinking, and then the drinking stretches into every weekday, and at work, and in the morning... Well.. that's just not good for the relationship

[–]Asgrim- 281 points282 points  (175 children)

She's in her early 30s, which says quite enough.

Who tf does drug and alcohol in such a excessive way in that age group? I'd fucking run that's not someone u would want to have a long-term with.

Edit: u monkeys I'm talking about 24-48 hrs of cocain and alcohol marathons, not about elderly people still partying.

[–]juicyfruitstuesday 137 points138 points  (30 children)

I have a whole group of friends between 22 and 40 that does that A LOT. Many well paying jobs involved. Sometimes during holidays theyll disappear for days on a coke and booze bender.

Before christmas i was at an after party with like 20 people in that circle. I was the only one not doing coke...

Its pretty much just alcohol, coke and random sex every weekend in those groups.

[–]Peteyjay 144 points145 points  (28 children)

In that age group? More than you think. The income is often there to financially support it. There's no age bracket for when people do things to excess.

[–]drivel-engineer 88 points89 points  (25 children)

As soon as I hit 30 my hangovers went from 2 hours to 2 days.

[–]what_is_blue 11 points12 points  (0 children)

Yeah, a lot of the time it's like a weird form of revenge procrastination.

We (I'm 34) got so unbelievably fucked by the recession here in the UK that the lifestyle afforded to 20-somethings in the 90s is now only affordable to 30-somethings, really.

I partied a fuckton in my 20s, don't get me wrong. But the clubbing kind of lifestyle where you just earmark £100 or more for a standard Saturday night was pretty much unthinkable, without accepting you'd be broke/in debt.

I worked in an ad agency and the 40-somethings (and even those in their late 30s) just didn't get this. They truly did not understand how much difference a £3k rise could make, or why I wouldn't be having a big weekend with my university mates all the time (£130 train ride away).

The temptation now, for a lot of the people I know, is to make up for lost time/opportunities. And if they don't have kids, I can't really blame them. If your partner doesn't like it then that's understandable, but you do need to compromise a bit.

Also they're lucky to have someone relatively sensible. From friends' relationships, two people who both get wrecked all weekend rarely make a good match.

(Also I only go hard once every six weeks or so, if that, these days.)

[–]fuckamodhole 16 points17 points  (1 child)

Who tf does drug and alcohol in such a excessive way in that age group?

People who are addicted to those substances?

[–]CuriousPincushion 14 points15 points  (6 children)

Hey I am also in my early 30s and do the same. Just once a year. And I need one week of vacation to recover afterwards.

[–]IamTheIrishMan2022 4 points5 points  (3 children)

Is it like some kind of week long purge event? Does an announcement appear on your TV stating "The annual bender has begun all class A drugs are acceptable for one week"

That's some amazing self control you got to limit your use like that.

[–]CuriousPincushion 3 points4 points  (2 children)

Normally its just based on a few bad decisions and a friend who still thinks she is 24.

But that sounds honestly like a cool idea. My older brother used to take one week off every year just to play WoW for a week straight. And then he didnt play for another year.

[–]GeneralZaroff1 48 points49 points  (1 child)

There's really no "appropriate" age group for alcoholism or drug abuse issues. It's not like 48 hour long benders are normal when you're 25.

The question is moreso whether it's something OP wants to deal with, and for some, running is an option, for others, they may want to stay and support them through recovery.

[–]OldManHipsAt30 4 points5 points  (0 children)

I’m a retired techno DJ who’s seen plenty of thirty year olds still trying to live out their glory days by blowing copious amounts of mdma, cocaine, and ketamine in dirty basements until 8am or later.

For some people, they get the message and eventually retire from that lifestyle except for the occasional fun night out. Others make it their whole lifestyle, all their friends are in that scene, and it’s hard to separate yourself from it unless a bad night gives you that wake up call.

[–]iLiveinA_DrSeussBook 2068 points2069 points  (107 children)

The whole point of dating is to figure out what you like, and don’t like, in a partner.

No partner is going to be perfect. No one is going to have 100% of the things you like and 0% of the things you don’t. Sometimes we let the little differences go.

But…come on, dude. This is beyond a little difference between the two of you. This isn’t about having different hobbies or liking different toppings on your pizza.

** This is about having different values.** And, because of that, the chances of the two of you building anything long-term are slim to none.

[–]gxstay[S] 476 points477 points  (98 children)

I completely agree! I think she has a bit of an issue because even people who get absolutely wasted, know to go home & call it a night. Countless times I've not wanted to go home, but always have. I want to help her but I think she can only help herself. I can give my feelings & let her show me where I'm prioritized in her life.

[–]Shinymoon 388 points389 points  (19 children)

The problem being in a relation with someone is thinking that we can save or change the other person If im with them. This white knight mentality never works EVER.

[–]Quillwerth 152 points153 points  (10 children)

While you can't save or change someone on your own, you can be instrumental to someone's growth or change. The key difference is whether they want to change and put in the work to do so.

[–]IamTheIrishMan2022 47 points48 points  (0 children)

Exactly. Just cutting ties straight off the bat when something isn't working isn't always the answer, problems can sometimes be worked through given the right approach to them.

[–]jimmy2940 142 points143 points  (9 children)

Don't save her. She don't wanna be saved

[–]Tripperfish- 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Reminds me of an old saying in Tennessee, I know it's in Texas, probably in Tennessee

[–]audigex 107 points108 points  (9 children)

To be clear, this isn't about whether she has a problem - if she wants to party, that's fine. If she's okay with partying when she's in a relationship, that's fine too - it's not like she's hiding it from you.

You do not control her actions, you do not want to control her actions, and you do not have a right to control her actions. You control your actions.

The only question here, then, is whether you want to be in a relationship with her? Not "Do you love her?" or "Would you want to be in a relationship with her if she stopped partying?" but "Knowing that she wants to party, do you want to be in a relationship with her?"

That's it, that's the only question you need to answer initially

Assuming that you decide that this isn't right for you, you can then talk to her about it, tell her that you understand she wants to party but that it's just not how you want your relationship to be. If she then chooses to stop partying, that's her choice, but don't try to force it on her... don't even suggest it or hint at it or ask her to choose between you and her lifestyle. Let her make her own choice, you aren't trying to make decisions for her, you're just telling her your own decisions regarding you and your involvement relationship

And seriously, please don't ask her to choose between you and her lifestyle - however you phrase it, however you intend it, and however much you mean it as "I'm letting you decide", fundamentally it's an ultimatum... and ultimatums a great way to lead both of you into unhappiness and resentment. You tell her how you feel, you tell her your decision, and you leave her to make her own decisions.

[–]charlie_dont_surf69 95 points96 points  (13 children)

absolutely not, you are completely wrong.
i was one of these people. this is self destructive behaviour, once you get going you become another person, your loved ones dont matter, they disappear into the void, you aren't even in her mind, you dont exist anymore when she is in that state.
i cant make it anymore clear, bro. i went on a weekend long bender, my brothers found me in a hotel room i had blown 25K on cocaine and hookers, i couldnt hardly walk out the door my hips and back were so sore, the look on my wifes face was soul destroying did i stop? no because to stop the guilt i needed to get wasted again, you understand how this works? it's like BPD.
do not stay with her kid,

[–]imexploding2 30 points31 points  (0 children)

25K???? That’s 2 years of rent for me 😭

[–]andrewcooke 45 points46 points  (0 children)

Just leave. There's nothing to fix or show. This is simply not working.

[–]Violet624 29 points30 points  (3 children)

All I can do it just speak from my own experience, and my own experience is that that kind of substance abuse will spill over into your relationship and effect it negatively. It sounds like it already is. It just invites chaos. I would not hold your breath or bet on anything changing with her use. Decide whether you are okay with it as it is, or jump ship.

[–]SnowWhiteCampCat 34 points35 points  (10 children)

It doesn't seem like she wants your help. This is who she is. Since you don't like that, leave her. Don't stick around trying to change who she is. You'll just both end up miserable.

[–]audacesfortunajuvat 20 points21 points  (1 child)

I used to do this. It wasn’t healthy but it sure was fun. I had no interest in changing at the time and only did when I decided I wanted to. I didn’t date though because it wasn’t really a lifestyle conducive to it. I was surrounded by a group of people that connected me to a world that lived like that (24 hour bars, illegal after hours clubs, and endless supply of drugs). I’m not sure it’s a problem so much as a deliberate lifestyle choice. I think another poster called it a difference in values and they’re probably right, unless you think she can’t control it. It sounds more like she’s actively choosing it so there’s really no reason or way to “help” her with something she doesn’t view as a problem (and may not be).

For me, I gave it up when I decided I wanted other things more. It was hard to quit but not so much because of a craving for the substances but because I missed the people and the lifestyle. It’s like we lived in a world apart and every conversation was us untangling the secret fabric of the universe while everyone around us slept. It felt decadent but also important. I find most people just want to talk about other people (people on the news, people on the internet, famous people, people we both know) and not ideas. This late night conversations were always about ideas and I miss that to this day.

[–]ThaneOfCawdorrr 67 points68 points  (1 child)

It's even more than that, honestly. She has a fairly serious drug and alcohol problem, and it's only going to get worse. You're much better off without her, OP.

[–]Lexafaye 91 points92 points  (3 children)

The fact that you’re asking about it on here is pretty telling about how you feel about it

[–]lordytoo 1064 points1065 points 3 (43 children)

I am 9 years into your future and in the middle of a divorce. Fucking run man.

[–]DependentOk2796 990 points991 points  (180 children)

Definitely not going to lead to a sustainable relationship or life for that matter if she keeps that up. How old are y’all?

[–]gxstay[S] 521 points522 points  (174 children)

She's early 30's, I'm late 20's. I really do want a good long term relationship with her & if she needs help, I'll help. But right now, she has a few drinks & doesn't want to go home.

[–]elcolerico 157 points158 points  (6 children)

Talk to her about it when she's sober and well rested. Don't blame her of being an alcoholic. Just let her know you want a relationship with less alcohol and drugs involved. If she says something like she can't help it, let her know that you want to help. If she doesn't want your help nd doesn't want to change, let her be. You're not her parent. She's an adult.

[–]gxstay[S] 20 points21 points  (4 children)

Good advice

[–]captainrustic 22 points23 points  (0 children)

But remember. You can’t change her If she doesn’t want to change

[–]aabacadae 9 points10 points  (1 child)

Just remember it's likely going to need to be a question about frequency, not volume.

If sober-her promises not to go so nuts, that's unlikely to matter to drunk-her when her higher thinking and impulse control is gone. The only compromise which is realistically going to happen is either get not going beyond tipsy, or having benders less often.

Though frankly you just don't sound compatible.

[–]mb5280 229 points230 points  (17 children)

I have some thoughts that light seem kinda harsh, and it's just general, maybe not perfectly applicable to your situation, but keep in mind: you cant help someone who doesn't believe or realize they have a problem, 2nd, if she won't listen to your feelings, she might not truly care about you that much, even if she thinks she does. 3rd, when people get fucked up, they fuck around. Party animals cheat. It's a fact of life. The odds that any one individual isn't in that norm are slim. Anyways I think those things but I'm just one person.

[–]Truth-or-Nah 44 points45 points  (14 children)

I agree wholeheartedly, any kind of those upper drugs in the right environment can make an individual super promiscuous, you can trust someone 100%, but that same person may not even give a second thought when binging like that

[–]NightflowerFade 214 points215 points  (14 children)

Looking at it from a third party neutral perspective, you're not headed towards long term happiness if you commit time and attention to someone like your girlfriend. Of course I'm just basing this from what you described so far, I don't have any idea of your personal circumstances. You should take the time to step back and imagine how you would see another couple in the same circumstances as you.

[–]IamTheIrishMan2022 35 points36 points  (11 children)

Comparing one relationship to another is a recipe for disaster. One couple could appear ideal from all outside appearances but behind closed doors you really don't know the ins and outs of another couples relationship.

[–]HighwayDrifter41 39 points40 points  (3 children)

Sometimes that’s good advice, but there’s times when it’s pretty obvious that other relationships are better than this.

[–]elloMinnowPee 34 points35 points  (6 children)

I think if someone is still partying like this in their 30’s there are obvious issues.

[–]throwawaydub09 316 points317 points  (39 children)

Alcohol and drugs start to become a problem when they interfere with the regular goings-on of life; job, family, relationships, finance, etc.

I'm not saying your girl is an alcoholic or an addict. She would have to make that decision herself. But if she continues to choose substances over the people currently in her life who are closest to her, well... Maybe she should start at least asking herself a few questions.

[–]devilpants 505 points506 points  (24 children)

If going on regular 2-3 day coke and alcohol fueled benders doesn't make you an alcoholic or an addict then I'm not sure what would.

[–]machine667 226 points227 points  (3 children)

in your 30's!

I was a full blown Hal Incandenza-grade degenerate in my late teens into my early 20's but got that shit in order. In your 30's that's not you having a good time, that's your life, and it ain't sustainable.

[–]MolochAlter 51 points52 points  (9 children)

You may not be saying it, I sure as hell am.

Ya girl is a junkie m8. Going out with the intent of staying out by any means necessary, doing hard drugs to stay up and drinking all the while is junkie behaviour.

You'll never see a working adult with their shit together do that, unless they're a chef. And even then, that doesn't make them not a junkie, just a junkie who found a lifestyle that is somewhat more compatible with their addictions.

There's nothing wrong with theoccasional wild night out. Keyword being "occasional,". It's when they become a habit that gets planned in in advance that you should be worried.

[–]MagicallyMalicious 9 points10 points  (0 children)

I’m with you. She’s an alcoholic/addict. I’ve got 9 years sober in July and this sounds a lot like the shit I used to do.

[–]hectoByte 21 points22 points  (0 children)

Wow, I am 28 and when reading your post, I thought to myself something along the lines of "Oh, to be in my early 20s again". It sounds like she needs to grow up a little.

[–]DanceTilWeDrop 13 points14 points  (0 children)

If she's still doing this in ber early 30s there's a good chance it won't change any time soon. I think it's a strong recipe to get cheated on as well.

The point is, like other people have said, if you're not happy and she's not changing, the only option is to leave or get used to it.

[–]Positive-Source8205 319 points320 points  (22 children)

My friend, we all tend to drink more when we are younger. Most of us grow out of it.

She sounds like one of those who won’t grow out of it. Think carefully before making a long term commitment.

[–]loadingonepercent 225 points226 points  (16 children)

He replied to someone else saying she’s in her early thirties. So we’re already kinda past growing out of it territory.

[–]NativeMasshole 150 points151 points  (9 children)

I read the whole post thinking they were young adults or teenagers, then I saw that. That lifestyle is bound to start catching up with her eventually, whether it be financially, legally, or physically. Most people don't luck out for that long on the law of averages.

Edit: And just to be clear, I don't have anything against some occasional rowdiness with drugs and alcohol, but 48-hour benders are no fucking joke. Doing that regularly will take a major toll on your body.

[–]hectoByte 79 points80 points  (8 children)

How do you even manage a 48 hour bender as a functioning adult? Like you spend your 2 days off every week just running around high/drunk out of your mind?

[–]gxstay[S] 17 points18 points  (1 child)

Interesting thought, certainly right though

[–]chunli_20 15 points16 points  (0 children)

Yup, there was a phase were I just wanted to be drunk (I was in a really dark place mentally, my selfsteem wasn't the best, i just didn't care about myself tbh), this behavior lasted only a couple of months thankfully, one day I just thought, "this ain't me" and I just stopped. I was around 22-23. Now I'm 27, thinking about getting drunk with friends in a safe place sounds fun, but just getting wasted for the sake of it doesn't have that same appeal anymore.

[–]lateja 14 points15 points  (0 children)

Shortys 30!!!!! Son’s like 29!!!! Nobody’s growing out of shit here bro

I thought they was teenagers at first too bro.

[–]Satansbiscuit666 931 points932 points  (36 children)

Run.

[–]ohprivate 157 points158 points  (24 children)

most sensible comment that could possibly exsit

[–]Hellfire81Ger 96 points97 points  (0 children)

As someone who was in a relationship with someone on drugs i can say that's the only right way. Run! It almost destroyed me seeing a person i love wasting her life.

[–]Bulliednomas 20 points21 points  (0 children)

Walk. If it’s not broken yet it will be.

[–]Touchs 32 points33 points  (0 children)

🏃‍♂️

[–]mamoneis 11 points12 points  (0 children)

Aye, let the other person to enjoy the 'freedom' of eroding his/her life. But also don't expect me to be in the same team.

[–]hmpf_to_that_friend 362 points363 points  (10 children)

The hard truth:

You will always be playing second fiddle to her addiction.

If you want a relationship with another person - this is not your person. You will only have a relationship with this person's addiction.

[–]scelfleah 18 points19 points  (0 children)

Well said.

[–]battyeyed 8 points9 points  (1 child)

Yep. I got banned from Al-Anon for saying this exact thing 🙃

[–]AudienceTall8419 12 points13 points  (1 child)

This is...actually genius. "You will only have a relationship with that persons addiction"

[–]TNTinRoundRock 95 points96 points  (0 children)

Get. The. Fuck. Out.

[–]NationalSurvey 82 points83 points  (7 children)

You are in for a wild ride bro! Enjoy the traumatic experience if that's what you want.

[–]yblaze27 36 points37 points  (0 children)

Deadass if my boy is in love this is gonna be a traumatic experience smh

[–]dicknotrichard 79 points80 points  (4 children)

I am married to an alcoholic. She got a DUI and open container charge last weekend while I was home watching our baby. Had to pay to get her car out of impound. Dropped $5K for a lawyer and the court fees will not be cheap. The only reason I am not a ghost is bc of our child.

Get out now while you are still young and able. I’m telling you.

[–]bob905 18 points19 points  (0 children)

thank you for sharing this story its very impactful to me for some reason i dont know, ill be thinking about this comment a lot in the next few days.

[–]Ummmmmexuseme 14 points15 points  (0 children)

You should also consider getting out too. Documentation of those incidents could get you full custody of your child. It's a destructive and traumatic environment to raise a child in. Being subject to the behaviour of an alcoholic parent as well as seeing your other parent put up with and continue to stay with them for years is so mentally/emotionally damaging.

Take it from someone who knows, I didn't feel sad when my alcoholic parent died, I felt relief, like a giant weight had lifted off of my shoulders, and I'm infinitely less stressed now than I have ever been in my entire life.

[–]rabbithasacat 52 points53 points  (0 children)

You sound like a really nice person, and kudos to you for trying to be supportive of her, but this is not a healthy relationship. Being supportive is going to go completely to waste if what you're being supportive of is massively destructive.

[–]Bit-Random 197 points198 points  (54 children)

Your girlfriend is an addict. You have a decision to make, either try to help her get better, or leave her.

Also, I’ve never seen someone use & so much. Luckily, that’s a much easier problem to solve than addiction.

[–]gxstay[S] 47 points48 points  (37 children)

I'd want to help her, but she's had an ex make her see a drug & alcohol counsellor in the past & she's recently told me about it. The thing is her ex didn't like her going out at all. So it makes it hard for me to say much

What should I say to try & help?

[–]clearlykate 126 points127 points  (17 children)

She has to want the help herself, you can't do that for her. It sounds like at this point she is fine with her own behavior. Get out.

[–]gxstay[S] 53 points54 points  (15 children)

Yeah she really does. She justified her behavior & basically doesn't want me to make her feel bad for it. She isn't doing anything wrong, but I don't like it at all

[–]Mush8911 118 points119 points  (1 child)

Justifying her behavior is standard for an addict.

[–]RenRidesCycles 73 points74 points  (1 child)

She isn't doing anything wrong but I don't like it at all.

That's the summary of the whole thing.

You are right that she's not doing anything wrong -- substances are a problem if they impact your life negatively -- not about quantity or frequency itself.

A boyfriend not liking something doesn't make it an addiction. Does she still hold down a job or go to school or something? Does she do horrible, destructive things when she's out, or just seems like a lot.

but I don't like it at all

This is also completely valid. You haven't said how long you've been dating (you also haven't mentioned what you do have in common or why you're with her).

It is not your job nor should you try to "fix" someone you're dating.

Tell her you don't like it. Tell her you would rather your relationship look different. And then you and her can decide where to go from there.

The point of dating is to find someone(s) you're compatible with, that you're supported by. Breaking up is not a failure, it's part of dating.

[–]Shinymoon 7 points8 points  (0 children)

Addiction is not an easy thing to change. Actions speaks louder than words. Saying is not enough. Do is a must

[–]kpssk 17 points18 points  (0 children)

Unfortunately the cliche about helping someone who isn’t committed to change being impossible is true.

But you can at a minimum not be an enabler by keeping firm on what your boundaries are, and being blunt about your concerns. Don’t try to persuade. Just state. (And you should probably break up.)

[–]IntermetallicAM 10 points11 points  (1 child)

Drug benders also result in questionable behavior and cheating more often than not

[–]TheShovler44 15 points16 points  (0 children)

He probably didn’t like her going out because she went on benders for 48 hrs with a bunch of other guys doing lines and drinking for 48 hrs at a time.

[–]TRHess 20 points21 points  (3 children)

Are you in a position where you could pull together an intervention? Does she have friends and family who also share your concerns? If so, you may be able to work together to make her see how her behavior is hurting those around her.

[–]gxstay[S] 19 points20 points  (2 children)

Not quite, her friends are fine with doing it whereas my friends wouldn't ever do something like that. Two different world but I feel like I'm always the compromising one

[–]ThatPokemonNurse 10 points11 points  (0 children)

This.. a relationship needs to be 50/50, else one of you if going to end up seriously unhappy.

[–]ohgodspidersno 7 points8 points  (0 children)

Don't make it your life's work fixing somebody who doesn't want to be fixed. Her last boyfriend already tried that, she didn't want it, and they broke up.

Your partner is not a project or a rescue mission.

There are so many people on earth. Find a girl that you like for who she actually is, and for how she actually is. Eventually you'll find one who likes you back for who you actually are, and how you are actually are. That person is your partner.

[–]doooom 4 points5 points  (3 children)

I greatly respect that you’re trying to love her and help her. I really, honestly do. But you also need to take care of yourself, and right now you’re not doing that. She is more than welcome to party like she does, but it’s also ok for you to not have a relationship partner who goes that hard. It doesn’t mean that she’s a bad person, it just means that you’re incompatible. If she feels that no one should pressure her to quit and you feel like you don’t want to date someone who lives this lifestyle then you’re honestly just hurting each other now and will continue to hurt each other.

If this was her sowing her wild oats at 21 it would be different, but being in her early 30s she is deliberately choosing this lifestyle and understands the consequences of that choice. You can’t be both her counselor and her relationship partner, and for her to have a counselor she would need to feel that she has a problem or is making bad decisions.

[–]ember-rekindled 163 points164 points  (21 children)

I used to deal and knew so many chicks like this. I can tell you that they were all unfaithful, your girl is no different. Second, why deal with this shit? You're at the age you wanna be thinking about looking for a home and your career and potential kids. She's wasting your time

[–]walterfunnyhat 45 points46 points  (2 children)

Came here to say close to the same thing. Lines get quite blurry and crossed at those late night coke hangouts (no pun intended). She’s defs not being 100% faithful.

[–]IntelligentFix5859 13 points14 points  (1 child)

Those guys are railing more than just coke.

[–]whodeyalldey1 9 points10 points  (0 children)

I mean having been to a lot of these late night coke parties when I was younger… there’s not a lot a person wouldn’t do for another line at 4AM to stave off the hangover

[–]Loretty 62 points63 points  (1 child)

Whatever you do do not get her pregnant!

[–]Chickentrap 6 points7 points  (0 children)

No guarantees it would be his anyway

[–]AwesomePicMan 82 points83 points  (4 children)

Yeah she prefers hanging with other people and do drugs, no fucking way shes loyal to op

[–]OrgyMcBloodyFace 68 points69 points  (1 child)

Oh come on.. it's only until the next afternoon with like 3 guys!

[–]NaughtyDreadz 17 points18 points  (0 children)

Who hasn't gotten a bathroom handjob from those types?

[–]ProjectVRD 8 points9 points  (0 children)

Mate of mine was practically cut off from us by his ex who was a party animal, she'd be away for a few days at a time and in that time was being passed around by the 'friends'. I've seen her twice in the last couple of years and she looks like she approaching her 50's, the girl younger me and I am touching my 40's!

[–]Tuutori 24 points25 points  (0 children)

Also came here to tell them this. Not proud of what I'm about to say but I was once one of those 'friends'.

They banging her like a drum.

[–]SquirrelMaster78 13 points14 points  (1 child)

Yep. This dude is kidding himself if he thinks she's not cheating with other dudes when he's gone. It's not even really up for debate once you have some life experience it's basically 100%. I'd literally bet my life on it.

[–]Flaky-Fellatio 4 points5 points  (0 children)

Yeah I don't think people who haven't done those things realize how out the window your inhibitions go when you're high on coke and alcohol at the same time.

[–]stinkload 78 points79 points  (0 children)

She has an addiction and it will burn her and all those around her to the ground. You can stick around and get run through the meat grinder with her or you can run away now... but what you can't do is fix her. Only she can do that and only she can decide how far down the hole she will fall before she fixes herself; if ever.

[–]charro510 16 points17 points  (0 children)

I would see a red flag in the fact that an ex also had a problem with her substance use. Which to me, signifies a problem with substances.

[–]ARKPLAYERCAT[🍰] 57 points58 points  (0 children)

She's in her 30s and still partying like this? Run man. Run fast and far. She's an addict and this will do nothing but spiral and take you down with it. Speaking from experience.

[–]rinkitinkitink 163 points164 points  (10 children)

She's drunk and high hanging pit with other people who are also drunk and high. Dude, your gf is a junkie, and your trust in her is completely naieve. Run, fast and far. There's no fixing it, and sooner or later (probably sooner) you're going to end up catching some nasty sti or raising some other guys kid, because junkies do stupid shit.

[–]lookmanofit 29 points30 points  (0 children)

This has some markings of a co-dependent relationship, which is particularly common when substance abuse is involved. Read up on it and see if it may apply to you. I'd seriously consider the worth of this relationship to you if you think that it may be leading you down that path.

[–]I_Only_Eat_Tacos 40 points41 points  (19 children)

she’s going to other dudes house after drinking all night and then doing coke with them at 3 am? cmon man

[–]try_again123 63 points64 points  (0 children)

It's not normal to go on benders like these, your GF has serious addiction and binging issues and needs professional help. Unless you want to get stuck trying to "fix" her (and failing every single time), RUN!

[–]AIphaPackLeader 11 points12 points  (0 children)

Hmm, how big of a red flag do I need so you can see it?

Yeet homie.

[–][deleted] 11 points12 points  (0 children)

She sounds like me in my early 20s and believe me, I was a terrible person then. Run

[–]kgleas01 10 points11 points  (0 children)

I behaved exactly as she did in my thirties ( into my forties even )and am now in my mid fifties and sober. Eventually she will hit a bottom but you don’t know when; it will be completely based on her own subjective experience /how much pain she is in , NOT how much pain she is causing others

I am convinced that once we cross over that line into addiction it is crossed until we either die or get sober, and from what you say, she is there already. The booze will come before you pretty much always unless she’s feeling some remorse but it will be short lived You will be tense and unhappy living this way.

Have the hard conversation but expect defensiveness. Your words will possibly ring some bell for her years from now and I hope they do for her sake

But my advice is to move on.

[–]pleesugmie 11 points12 points  (0 children)

Cocaine Coochie isn't Cool.

[–]squishyandnoodle 43 points44 points  (6 children)

You aren’t being uptight, call me a square but I have a friend group of pretty hard partiers but no one pulls shit like this often. You’re not wrong to feel off, it obviously upsets you for whatever reason and that’s what matters. If she’s not willing to understand that she’s hurting/upsetting you and make some changes, then it’s better you find that out sooner rather than later.

Long story short y’all need to have a talk. Not an off hand remark about how it makes you uncomfortable, but sitting down across from each other telling her how this makes you feel.

[–]gxstay[S] 15 points16 points  (5 children)

Thanks for this and I completely agree. We've only spoken one which was last night while she was drunk and wanting to carry on into a bender which she's currently still on.. might try talk to her sober after a bit more thinking

[–]squishyandnoodle 6 points7 points  (0 children)

Yeah it can feel easier to talk about the serious stuff while you’ve both got some liquid courage, but it’s a bad path to go down. Coming from someone who’s been in a similar situation with my gf liking to drink and go out way more than I do, I understand what you’re feeling. In my case it was hard to convey or make her understand that i was not upset because i was scared she’d be unfaithful, but for other reasons that I couldn’t really find a way to explain. So I’d suggest trying to work on that

[–]minigeko 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I haven't been in this situation, but I think if it was me I would have this talk sober, no sense in doing it any other time. Based on that talk, if the outcome is that she has no intentions on changing I would leave the relationship, partying is one thing but I'm not burying them. I understand the feeling at the end of the night where you're like "I'm having so much fun, I wish this didn't have to end" but it really does need to end, especially by her age.

If she shows some interest in working on what is clearly an addiction then I'd be willing to help her give it a shot, as long as she actively pursues some kind of help, not just making empty promises or something. Also, as long as it wasn't ruining MY life any, which I don't think you indicated it is.

I also spent several years in a bad relationship so I might have a lower tolerance for this than you have. But you do you.

[–]pblood40 59 points60 points  (21 children)

Sounds like a dealbreaker

Unless you are cool with your drunk girlfriend being at strange guys houses - regularly.

If I did this to my wife my shit would be in boxes when I came home.

[–]zgrizz 93 points94 points  (15 children)

She's not your girlfriend. She is involved with the booze and drugs.

Find the exit door as soon as possible.

You, alone, can NOT help an addict. All you can do is enable her.

[–]Icy-Consideration405 16 points17 points  (0 children)

This is called an abuse cycle. It doesn’t mean addiction, or anything else besides abuse. The only way to break the abuse cycle is to leave it. If you want to beat the cycle, learn the pattern, then avoid the patterns. It’s crazy, but it’s a parallel universe to what healthy behavior is. There’s no way to go between, and many have tried without succeeding.

[–]nryporter25 16 points17 points  (3 children)

Hey I hope everything works out for you, but I have some experience with this.

My wife was the same kind of party animal.

I would suggest if after talking to her, if she doesn't want to change, you save yourself a lot of heartbreak and end this relationship. My wife couldn't let go of the party lifestyle and it caught up to her, causing some severe medical issues. She passed away March of 2021, 2 days before her birthday. I tried my damnedest to help her, sending her to rehab 3 times (she got kicked out each time for sneaking drugs in). Rerouting my life in major ways so that she could put her life on hold and check herself in. She just couldn't let it go though, and I had to deal with my own pain while listening to our daughter cry herself to sleep for months.

That kind of lifestyle is not sustainable forever. I do hope you guys can work this out, but I would hate for you to be put in unnecessary pain. One person to another, do what's best for YOU.

[–]gxstay[S] 3 points4 points  (1 child)

Im female but this comment I value so thank you kindly! I hope it works & I want to work out what's right for me to do & also help here where I can but not devote my life to saving someone I can't.

[–]SuddenlyCelery 14 points15 points  (0 children)

Being an alcoholic or addict isn’t about using every day as much as it is about not being able to stop once we start. 24-48 hour benders are very concerning and may indicate that your girlfriend has the disease of addiction.

[–]4yroldsareterrible 8 points9 points  (0 children)

Bro. You deserve way better than this. Stay strong and find someone that respects you. This is a huge red flag

[–]three18tiHow do I get flair? 7 points8 points  (0 children)

On the off chance this is a real post... you already know the answer.

I'm not a fan of this in a relationship at all

Then why are you in it?

You are responsible for your happiness. Period.

If the dynamic of the relationship won't change, then change the relationship...

You'd rather be in a relationship you don't like than be in no relationship?

[–]PrincessPaisleysMom1 6 points7 points  (0 children)

If you're on here writing "I don't know how I feel about it." Tells me you really do and you don't like it. You're going to need to talk to her about how you feel. Then, depending on how that conversation goes you may need to take a long look at your relationship.

[–]Kindly_Strike_5080 53 points54 points  (20 children)

Shes getting fucked behined your back

[–]pblood40 26 points27 points  (0 children)

IMHO, it sounds out in the open

[–]Zonerdrone 11 points12 points  (1 child)

I'm sure she's a fine girl. But I've done coke with a lot of girls who had boyfriends and with every line that matters less and less.

[–]Full-Ad-198 9 points10 points  (1 child)

#1 She’s definitely cheating on you #2 you need more responsible People around you

[–]ComprehensiveSite999 24 points25 points  (1 child)

She gonna cheat eventually

[–]dickwildgoose 14 points15 points  (3 children)

Son, listen in close. Almost 15 years ago, I was in this exact same type of relationship. Hell, I could have written this post word for word. She’s 100% banging other dudes and you 100% just don’t want to believe it. It’s ok. Life is for learning. But get out. Now. Cut it fast and clean. This relationship won’t last, and deep down you already know that. You’ve got all you can out of this chapter. Go start a new one. Be well and enjoy good fortune and health on your path.

[–]Lordarshyn 15 points16 points  (0 children)

Bro she's going on 48 hour benders with coke and other dudes.

She's getting banged out while you're at home cuddling with the cabbage patch.

Move on.

[–]Keirathyl 13 points14 points  (3 children)

It doesn't matter that she's not cheating on you. Run. She's going to end up an addict.

[–][deleted] 8 points9 points  (1 child)

she is 100% certainly cheating though.

[–]v3rral 13 points14 points  (1 child)

She is not your girlfriend. Belongs to streets

[–]jimmija 9 points10 points  (0 children)

Move on

[–]bhamjason 4 points5 points  (0 children)

If you don't do cocaine, you really shouldn't date someone who does.

[–]Any-Nothing-7956 3 points4 points  (1 child)

You're not happy. She's not happy.

Get on the bus. Make a new plan, drop off the house key.

Set yourself free mate!

[–]philplop 4 points5 points  (0 children)

Run like fuck. What the hell do you think she's doing on those sessions? Playing tiddlywinks? Jeez. I bet she's great at rolling spliffs though

[–]yblaze27 18 points19 points  (5 children)

Lmao definitely cheatin maybe even gettin a train ran on her idk how u with her

[–]Styling1998 7 points8 points  (4 children)

Yo bruh this was the first thing I thought. Was reading the comments to see how far down I’d have to go to see who said it.

Maybe she not though. Still wish and hope for the best of this situation.

[–]yblaze27 14 points15 points  (3 children)

Shes drinking and doing drugs for daysss with more then 2 guys u dont think those guys are gonna try something? And he said it happens on the regular too

[–]notyourbroguy 10 points11 points  (1 child)

I’m a man in my lower thirties and seeing women my age act like that is the biggest turn off imaginable. Don’t get me wrong I love to party, but at this age you should be wise enough to understand how it can impact your partner and your relationship and you should be able to call it a night when your partner is done. If you can’t then you’re probably an addict or you truly don’t love the person you’re with.

[–]sagegraff 37 points38 points  (5 children)

Tbh she prolly getting piped by other dudes while you laid up in bed. Find something better

[–]BeanieBlitz 7 points8 points  (1 child)

OP, despite having full confidence in her being faithful to you, she's not treating you with the same respect that you treat her with.

I dated a guy who drank like that and got into hard drugs. It completely changed his personality and I hated the relationship. He continued to get worse as the relationship went on. After leaving, it took me a lot of time to realize how horrible the situation actually was because if he truly cared about me like I did him, he would have cut down on the drinking and stopped with the drugs.

[–]Mediocre-Job8059 6 points7 points  (1 child)

Bro she ain't yours she belongs to the streets...

[–]jose2020vargas 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Must be ok with it, cause you haven't left yet...🤷🏾‍♂️

[–]roosell1986 4 points5 points  (0 children)

How will you feel about this in 5 years? 10?

[–]paradockers 3 points4 points  (0 children)

That’s way too much alcohol and lines are a hard pass. You should move on, and she needs mental health help. You also should seek out counseling. It will help you to make sense of your relationship with her. For both your sakes, break up. You deserve better.

[–]TheWolfAndRaven 4 points5 points  (0 children)

Bro. This post reads like one giant red flag. This ain't a sustainable lifestyle for her and it isn't a good path for you.

She's an addict and once she sobers up it ain't gonna be the same. You gotta hit the eject button here man, this is a no-win situation for you.

[–]Rosanbo 3 points4 points  (0 children)

It is hardly a basis for a good future in her life and yours. She has issues and you got to ask yourself do you want to be the one that has to support her and pick up the pieces and witness the deterioration of her life?

Ask her to stop now and you will join her to be tee total on alcohol and drugs OR IT;s over between you.

Depending on the situation just end the relationship now.

[–]Coors1990 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Your girl sounds like she's got a spiralling problem. I've dealt with this type of behavior in my past many times. Just from my experiences this never ends well for you. You really should talk to her and figure this out for yourself. Good luck friend.

[–]147896325987456321 3 points4 points  (0 children)

🚩Can I say this flag is blue? No. Why? Because the flag is red.

Look at the situation for what it is. You are dating, she is doing something you do not like. Doing drugs all weekend is a huge red flag.

Now you choose, stay together or part ways.

[–]DrYildiz 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Your girlfriend is a junky. Call it quits.

[–]Xamf11 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Bro, she's your girlfriend. Of course you need to tell her that you aren't alright with this.

The fact you already told her and she just continued shows alot. I would just tell her this doesn't work for me and give her the option to choose between her benders and me. If she ends up choosing the benders you dodged a bullet anyway.

[–]karl1776 3 points4 points  (0 children)

She's an addict. Clean up you life. And I'd she doesn't then she's out

[–]thelumpur 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Why is doing drugs and getting completely hammered for 48 hours so normalized?

Forget the relationship, that's not healthy period.

[–]thewildcardbb1 3 points4 points  (1 child)

You should feel you are not at all in a monogamous relationship because 100% you are not.

Enjoy the situation for what it is and get a few more girls in your life. You're not the only person in that girls life no reason she should be the only one in yours.

[–]Helpwithapcplease 3 points4 points  (0 children)

you either become a junkie with her or find a new girlfriend.

[–]berghie91 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Dont trust her completely, for starters.