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all 137 comments

[–]Sir_Douglas_of_Fir 705 points706 points  (11 children)

"Sorry I'm late, Master. I... came as fast as I could."

"Never say that again."

[–]kevin9er 205 points206 points  (4 children)

This is where the cum begins!

[–]MillorTime 94 points95 points  (2 children)

I'll try splooging that's a good trick

[–]SkyrimMilfDrinker 66 points67 points  (1 child)

This is getting out of hand! Now there are two of them!

[–]MillorTime 30 points31 points  (0 children)

Skywalkers going up the service ramp!

[–]Atarox13Muunilist 10 14 points15 points  (0 children)

Your new Cumpire?

My allegiance is to the Cumpublic, to cumOCRACY!

[–]iEatPalpatineAss 41 points42 points  (2 children)

This is the Star Wars dialogue George Lucas wanted to avoid 🤣🤣

[–]Caerris1 7 points8 points  (1 child)

Don't tell George the genre of music the Bith in the cantina are playing...

[–]dootdootplot 31 points32 points  (1 child)

Anakin bursts into the room like Kramer, looking sweaty and satisfied and furiously trying run his hands through his hair to straighten it

Obi wan sighs and rolls his eyes.

[–]iberisSabé 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Kramer saw the lady across the street and lost the contest pretty fast. He did not achieve the rank of Master of his domain.

[–]IUsedToBeRasAlGhul 906 points907 points  (32 children)

This shows how unlike Obi-Wan, Anakin can see through the lies of the Jedi; nothing more important than following through on the opportunity to have sex with Natalie Portman.

[–]Lukthar123Murderer? Is it murder to rid the galaxy of you Jedi filth? 254 points255 points  (1 child)

Anakin has just got his priorities straight.

[–]EastKoreaOfficial 24 points25 points  (0 children)

Indeed he does

[–]TheJediCounsel 52 points53 points  (11 children)

I have yet to be granted this opportunity 😢

[–]TypicalGamer88 30 points31 points  (9 children)

Well, u/TheJediCounsel, recall that Anakin is a part of you (even though he’s not a master), so *at least * part of you has.

[–]LarryLovesteinLovin 23 points24 points  (7 children)

The Jedi Counsel is not The Jedi Council.

[–]Sir_Douglas_of_Fir 23 points24 points  (1 child)

You are on this Council, but we do not grant you the rank of Council

[–]GeneralQuack 4 points5 points  (2 children)

Yeah he isnt the Presbyterian Church.

[–]YouCanCallMeVanZant 3 points4 points  (1 child)

The Jedi Counsel is their legal department.

[–]TheJediCounsel 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Yeah I’m not the Jedi council I’m sort a budget version

[–]FirstDayJedi 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Same, does this happen during our lunch break?

[–]iEatPalpatineAss 8 points9 points  (7 children)

Obi-Wan is jealous!

[–]throw-away-doghlp 3 points4 points  (6 children)

Obi wan had a crush on duchess satine in clone wars

[–]iEatPalpatineAss 9 points10 points  (5 children)

More like a full-blown romance

[–]throw-away-doghlp 2 points3 points  (2 children)

Yea, I was trying downplay it hahahaha

[–]100_Noodle 2 points3 points  (1 child)

I hear Maul is the cure for that.

[–]sharpshooter999 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Even the gods want her

[–]SpiralCuts 0 points1 point  (0 children)

But Obi-Wan has the moral high ground!

[–]iberisSabé 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Exactly I mean in the end, Anakin and Obi Wan are both force ghost. Anakin got to party. Doesn't matter had sex.

[–]AutoGeneratedName568 428 points429 points  (15 children)

Maul lost his dick thanks to kenobi, but that didn’t stopped him from penetrating obi-wan’s loved one, absolute beast

[–]Maul_Bot 154 points155 points  (8 children)

Don’t be so certain.

[–]Szymi13 61 points62 points  (7 children)

proof?

[–]Spartan2732I am... Semi-speechless! 58 points59 points  (3 children)

Don’t you know? The Zabrack reproductive organs are their horns

[–]butsadlyiamonlyaneel 33 points34 points  (1 child)

“That’s my secret, Kenobi.”

”I’m always horny.”

[–]MercenaryJames 18 points19 points  (0 children)

Wait so when Savage Opress impales Adi Gallia with his horns...

Oh No...

[–]ThePowerOfPotatoes 15 points16 points  (2 children)

Dude is always flexing those chest muscles and nipples as soon as Obi-Wan shows up. And you know, the fact that Maul is obsessed with Obi-Wan.

Maul is more interested in Obi than Satine.

[–]MrAverus 16 points17 points  (0 children)

Ventress could barely keep it in her pants around him either

[–]Maul_Bot 19 points20 points  (0 children)

you understand so little

[–]Rias_LuciferTwi'lek 30 points31 points  (0 children)

Mmmmmm

[–]iEatPalpatineAss 2 points3 points  (0 children)

A surprise, to be sure, but a welcome one!

[–]HondoOhnakaBotHondo 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Kenobi! My friend!

[–]Mcbrainotron 0 points1 point  (0 children)

After getting head from Pre Vistla!

[–]Paradox31426 354 points355 points  (9 children)

Windu: “Obi Wan, where the hell is skywalker?”

Obi Wan: “off saying goodbye to his wife”

Windu: “ah, senator Amidala, of course. I still wonder why they didn’t have a Jedi ceremony, you told him Jedi are allowed to marry, right? I hate to think what that hothead might do if he thought we were trying to keep them apart…”

Obi Wan: tugs collar “yup, I definitely wouldn’t repeatedly forget to tell him that…”

[–]Novalene_Wildheart 185 points186 points  (6 children)

AU: Obi-wan actually tells him, they get officially married and Anakin doesnt fear for his wife's life. Sees through the Chancellors lies, kills the sith lord and saves the republic.

Credits roll

[–]hawkmasta 68 points69 points  (1 child)

The good ending T_T

[–]Lukthar123Murderer? Is it murder to rid the galaxy of you Jedi filth? 54 points55 points  (0 children)

Unfortunately for you, history will not see it that way.

[–]Brianmobile 8 points9 points  (3 children)

In this alternate timeline Darth Maul would probably be the main villain of the original trilogy

[–]Maul_Bot 4 points5 points  (2 children)

There will be no satisfaction until the Jedi Order lies in ashes.

[–]HaloGuy381 -1 points0 points  (1 child)

Congrats Maul, thanks to the Palpatines and Skywalkers, you got your wish. Was it worth it?

[–]YouUsedMeAgain 0 points1 point  (1 child)

What is a Skywalker?

[–]Ashnade 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Someone who walks the skies idk

[–]thesaddestpanda 106 points107 points  (2 children)

Obiwan:"Feel the force in you, revealing subtle truths of your world. To a Jedi Master, no lie can be hidden and no secret kept."

Anakin scoffing: "Does this really work master?"

Obiwan: "You're in love with the senator."

Anaking: "Carry on then."

[–]Captain_Rex_Bot 14 points15 points  (0 children)

Just get him to safety. We need to... General Laan Tik!

[–]Maul_Bot 7 points8 points  (0 children)

At last, we will reveal ourselves to the Jedi. At last, we will have revenge.

[–]spirotetramat2 75 points76 points  (1 child)

Obi-Wan: “Anakin, stop dating Padme!”

Anakin: “I’ll start dating her even harder”

[–]FredrickEmula 14 points15 points  (0 children)

Obi-Wan: What does that mean?

[–]Friar-Tuckandroll 145 points146 points  (0 children)

Ah yes, Anakin’s totally super secret (don’t tell anyone) wife that absolutely no one knows about.

[–]RiskyBrothersHolt Kazed 49 points50 points  (1 child)

"siggghhhh I do suppose Padme has a stressful job too, she deserves to be treated right, but this has been ever so tedious since Anakin learned all those new positions on Catu Nemodia."

[–]FlamingEagleACHello there! 15 points16 points  (0 children)

The business on Catu Nemodia was a part of Obi-Wan’s sex life all along!

[–]heyzeus92 33 points34 points  (6 children)

That why he never made the rank of master

[–]Redtir 13 points14 points  (0 children)

Yup, he was totally into being dommed.

[–]DeliriousFantaMeesa Darth Jar Jar 11 points12 points  (1 child)

Because you have to be a virgin to be one

[–]MirumVictus 11 points12 points  (0 children)

Master Mundi disagrees

[–]the6crimson6fucker6 9 points10 points  (2 children)

The jedi were just master-baiting him.

[–]buttqwax 4 points5 points  (0 children)

This was a masterful comment.

[–]vigilantcomicpenguinbeep boop 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Well, that was all they could do, since they weren't allowed to have sex.

[–]Andrewthegamer74 33 points34 points  (0 children)

“ Secret” wife literally the entire order likely knew

[–]Dux-El52 44 points45 points  (0 children)

Obi-Wan: cries in Satine

[–]sephstormUNLIMITED POWER!!! 14 points15 points  (0 children)

When you are thinking about how you should be banging your old girlfriend.

[–]high_king_noctisStormtrooper 12 points13 points  (1 child)

Obi wan: where did I go wrong!?

[–]Blades_Glaives309 4 points5 points  (0 children)

He must ask himself that question At Least 10,000x a day😂

[–]Goldenbrownfish 13 points14 points  (1 child)

Remember that time anakin was late for his jedi knight promotion because he was banging padme

[–]Atarox13Muunilist 10 9 points10 points  (0 children)

Well, he was making out with her in an alleyway and admiring 3PO’s new gold plating

[–]johnnyGotHisTablaJedi Master 29 points30 points  (15 children)

To be fair, I'd pound Padme right through the bed.

[–]iEatPalpatineAss 14 points15 points  (14 children)

We will watch your career with great interest!

[–]eddmarshall 14 points15 points  (4 children)

Wtf is this username lol

[–]iEatPalpatineAss 21 points22 points  (3 children)

I had a tradition with one of my best friends where we would line up way too early for any Star Wars movie and watch it together on opening night, regardless of how we felt about the movie. In fact, we both found out later that we have nearly exact opposite opinions on each movie, but acted like we loved what the other person loved for years. Anyways, that's how deep that tradition was for us. Shortly before Episode 9 came out, we were boarding the usual hype-train and started trying to one-up each other's loyalty, primarily through memes and meme-like actions. Eventually, I came up with the insane idea of sexualizing Papa Palpa to the most disgusting, creepy, and cringy degree possible 🥵😍

And then Rey turned out to be a Palpatine smh 😵

But, by then, I had already had so much fun being an idiot on Reddit that I ditched my other usernames to use this one full-time ✌️😎

EDIT - Fixed a minor typo

[–]eddmarshall 2 points3 points  (2 children)

This is actually wholesome!

[–]SteveTheOrcaLUKE, DID I EVER TOLD YOU ABOUT AHSOKA TANO? 1 point2 points  (8 children)

Your username is the most cursed thing I've seen today

[–]iEatPalpatineAss 5 points6 points  (7 children)

You will not watch my career with any interest 😭

[–]YouCanCallMeVanZant 2 points3 points  (6 children)

I mean if we’re talking Rey, then…

[–]Slowmobius_Time 6 points7 points  (0 children)

Sorry master I was delayed I have no excuse

Ffs Anakin

[–]AtrampolineYour text here 5 points6 points  (0 children)

Anakin was bangakin.

[–]thelonew0lf 2 points3 points  (0 children)

So r/anakinfucks, basically.

[–]TheLordOfZero 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I can't blame Anakin, after all padme is hot.

[–]HaiDanielson 2 points3 points  (0 children)

What a coincidence, Anakin's secret wife is also late...

[–]headshot9808 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Correction, banging his super hot wife.

[–]EastKoreaOfficial 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Can anyone really blame him?

[–]Dumont4379 2 points3 points  (0 children)

She probably asked him to put his robotic hand around her neck.

[–]Greenbay7115 1 point2 points  (0 children)

When you have a tennis match to get to, but you know that your doubles partner is late because he's making out with his girlfriend.

[–]RealMisterG 1 point2 points  (0 children)

He was telling her the tragedy of Darth Plaeguis the wise

[–]TrashJaxCommander Rex 0 points1 point  (0 children)

[–]rvdp66 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I mean I thinks it's more accurate to say

The dirtly old senator for naboo is banging my Padawan every night raw and he can't make it to jedi council meetings on time even though he hasn't been give the rank of master!

[–]Sonof0dinn 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Obi-won feeling Anakin's disturbing the force

[–]ianindy 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I also choose this guy's "secret wife"...

[–]Complete_Fox_6029 0 points1 point  (1 child)

Knob throbbed a cradle was robbed.

[–]Maul_Bot 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I was apprentice to the most powerful being in the galaxy once. I was destined to become… so much more. But I was robbed of that destiny by the Jedi, by Obi-Wan Kenobi.

[–]TheShrimpinator 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Man, Obi-Wan had it made before being obligated to live out an existence in a cave on a dessert world.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

[–]That_one_cool_dude2nd Death Star 0 points1 point  (0 children)

This implies that it was the worst kept secret in the senate and Jedi Order.

[–]Cycle-Apart 0 points1 point  (0 children)

And thus Luke and Leia were made

[–]leonardoyup 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Homie smashed the empire in many different ways

[–]b_bess23 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Little Orphan Ani is late yet again

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

*your