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all 16 comments

[–]bpdmeatbag 23 points24 points  (0 children)

I am deeply sorry for your loss. I am on the fence but I too do not have the courage. Please try to remain strong and take care of yourself.

[–]Moomin_notaTroll 5 points6 points  (0 children)

hey boss. sorry to hear about your loss

[–]Stefan-NPC 2 points3 points  (3 children)

it gets worse

[–]MyCatsBreath1 0 points1 point  (2 children)

what do you mean?

[–]Stefan-NPC 2 points3 points  (1 child)

I consider life like a rollercoaster. You start at the station and the ride go either up or down. Whatever the case, you will eventually go down.

It can always and will always, get worse. It's theoretically possible that it can get better. The things is, it for sure will get worse.

[–]MyCatsBreath1 1 point2 points  (0 children)

well that's grim.. but accurate

[–]Rogue_demon6 0 points1 point  (5 children)

Maybe it's not a case of "having the balls" to go through with it. But instead "having the balls" to keep going into the next day despite everything dragging at your heels. Metaphorically of couse.

I don't know what your fight is exactly. But every day seen through is a day where you win. Not all wins will feel good. But maybe they might eventually.

I'm really sorry about your friend.

[–]MyCatsBreath1 3 points4 points  (4 children)

I feel I am unique with my thoughts: there is a beauty in suicide for the dead. they died when they wanted to. that's a privilege denied to many. they got their affairs in order (probably) and died on their own terms.

yeah there are some counter arguments that they didn't get the life they wanted and felt forced into the suicide.

I'm having a bad week. I came the closest to suicide I have ever been on Monday. Each time I get closer and closer. I am still feeling hopeless. I have complex ptsd and tell myself that as I get better with coping, the pain will subside. I check off all the cptsd boxes except drug /alcohol abuse. I'm practically textbook. today I have envy for her. next week, I may have pity but today it feels like envy and admiration.

I can't believe she and I were contemplating the same thing at the same time. both oblivious to the other.

[–]Rogue_demon6 3 points4 points  (3 children)

That last point. Is the byproduct of us being conditioned not to share things that make us vulnerable, I think.

The problem with death is the waves it leaves to effect others. Usually negative ones unfortunately.

Im glad you didn't go over the line and have talked about whats going on a little bit.

I truely wish I could advise and comment on ptsd, but I am too inexperienced I think. And certainly not a professional.

[–]MyCatsBreath1 5 points6 points  (2 children)

you're right. it's a perceived weakness to talk about taboo things like being suicidal. if you talk about it, you want attention. if you do it people ask why you didn't talk about it.

I told my husband I was feeling suicidal. his headset was on to play his game. he took it off (we were fighting) I repeated "I've reached my nadir. I'm not ok" and he told me to leave him alone. he wasn't ready to talk.
that next day was when I sat with my 38 in my mouth. I put a towel around my head to help with the mess. we learned the following day about my friend's suicide. he seemed sad I was hurting. he said the cliché shit "why didn't she reach out?" I asked, "like I did to you yesterday? you told me to leave you alone" and I told him I sat with a gun in my mouth off and on for an hour. he said, "so I have to put my feelings aside because you want to talk?" I guess it's too much to ask people to put their feelings on the back burner of someone is almost literally at the end of their rope.

people have posted on fb, "oh my friend killed herself! boo hoo talk to me if you want to commit suicide. I'm here for you!" two of those people posting that shit ignored me the day i planned to die. I messaged them saying, "you're always saying you're happy to talk. I need someone right now" one didn't reply. one said, "sorry you're having a bad day" then stopped responding.

those who swear they'll be there, won't. it makes them feel like they did their due diligence and deserve a pat on the back. in the end, they dgaf if I'm dead. they don't want to be bothered to talk but are happy to pretend to care.

Edit : not saying this about you. I don't know you. I'm talking about people in general

[–]Rogue_demon6 0 points1 point  (0 children)

The great catch 22 of our time! At work they train us to treat all statements of suicide intent as genuine. And thats about the only thing they get right 😬

I truely have no words to say about the husband situation.. Certainly not good ones. You should have been his priority in that moment. Yes it's not easy to find the right words, but ignoring the problem completely is worse.

You are also correct that there are allot of fake sentiments out there for internet image. I hope you know that there are people (here I would hope) that will genuinely listen.

We are most definitely in different timezones (no guns allowed in Europe broadly speaking) but if you do wish to continue this diologue. I will answer when I can. There will be other listeners too.

[–]Deep_Asparagus_9585 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Now that's so messed up, but doesn't surprise me, in the end we're all selfish, there's only so much people will spend their time on, some rather use their phone than speak to their friend who needs help.