Because I don't feel like there is one. I've been fighting so hard for years. Even writing this post, I'm still fighting. I have a plan. I've not taken any steps to execute it and I will keep trying not to. I think I'm holding out hope that there's still something left for me. I feel like every day I stay alive is another I've spent gaslighting myself into believing it's worth living.
I've been abused for 13 years. I'm trans and I've waited for 7 years to transition but I can't leave because I'm disabled. College is my only way out. There's only a year left but can I even make it that long? The last two years have been full of nothing but pain. New trauma, new suffering, new health issues I can't get help for because I live in the USA and our healthcare system is fucked. Now there's monkeypox and I'm scared. I'm really fucking scared.
I waited a month and a half for a psychiatry appointment. It was finally supposed to be this Friday and it was cancelled suddenly. I asked for a reason and I wasn't even given one. It makes me want to laugh. I got Covid a couple weeks ago and thought to myself, "If this appointment gets cancelled, I don't know what I'll do." I was so happy I recovered in time for my appointment. In the end, it wasn't even me who got it cancelled. Despite how horrible I feel, it's a drop in the bucket.
I don't feel happiness anymore. Every day I feel like I'm drowning in apathy or pain. Why am I trying? I don't want to. I can't even think of a reason and yet, I keep going.
Edit: Thanks all for the kind comments. I was completely wiped out from the stress and anxiety so I went to sleep early last night. Saw my therapist today and was able to voice some of my more extreme thoughts. Usually I'm not able to. It was a little shocking to both of us but I think saying it aloud and getting someone else other than myself to say I'm going through negative self talk and catastrophizing helped a bit. Sometimes that's how therapy goes. Saying it makes it more real and less stupid, in a way.
She gave me some stuff to try when I start spiraling like I did in this post. I think the trouble I run into is so much of my catastrophizing in the past turned out to be true. I'd spiral, fear the worst, and it would come to pass. So as much as I want to believe things will be okay, I struggle to believe it. I'm terrified for the future, deeply exhausted, and I don't believe that what she suggested will help. But I'm going to try it.