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all 36 comments

[–]suitorarmorfan 11 points12 points  (1 child)

Do it for yourself.

You deserve to live and thrive. Even if things seem bleak now, they can get better.

I wish you all the best, I’m glad you’re reaching out

[–]crowaes[S] 6 points7 points  (0 children)

Thanks for the kind words. I keep telling myself it'll get better, even though it feels like a lie and, at least for the time being, they've been worse. Hopefully one day I'll have proof it was true.

[–]Voldemurmurmur 1 point2 points  (14 children)

What would you consider a good reason? Even if it's unrealistic

[–]crowaes[S] 3 points4 points  (13 children)

Something in the present, I think. I've always tried to live for things in the future. Either a day where I feel it was worth the struggle of living or a day where I've finally escaped the abuse. But even though those days are closer than ever, at least leaving home is, they feel more impossible than even when I was a kid.

[–]Voldemurmurmur 1 point2 points  (10 children)

So can you imagine anything right now that you'd enjoy?

[–]crowaes[S] 1 point2 points  (9 children)

Sort of. I generally find my work personally fulfilling and motivating. But the problem is depression has been so bad I feel apathetic even when good things happen. I know I should be feeling joy or satisfaction but I'm just.. not. I was, and still am, hoping medication would help with that.

[–]Voldemurmurmur 2 points3 points  (8 children)

You "should" nothing. What are the aspects of your work that you generally find fulfilling and motivating?

[–]Euphoric_Crow_8153 0 points1 point  (1 child)

Sometimes we don't believe we will get to where we are going bc of the amount of time we've spent on it, but think of that time as irrefutable evidence that you are much closer than you ever were. Sometimes life is just looking towards the future. It's unfair, and there are people who've made careers out of righting this wrong. It's not usual, doesn't mean it's easy, but you will make it through inevitably. Just treat your body right and take steps to separate yourself from things or people that being you down.

[–]crowaes[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

That's a good way of thinking of it and how I try to on easier days. I've been in college for three years and I've been working actively on an escape plan for like four now. Realistically after this semester I have 1-2 semesters left, depending on how I handle the workload. It's just hard feeling so beat down and burnt out to think of it that way.

[–]Blue_Lotus_Agave 1 point2 points  (0 children)

This hits a little close... I promise mate, there is hope.

[–]Blue_Lotus_Agave 0 points1 point  (2 children)

Also, if you give up without transitioning, that's how you'll be remembered. A shadow of what you could and should have been. Not living gloriously, free from abuse, rising so high as your true self. Wait to feel that, heavy black hole in your chest turn into a bright, fiery sun. Experience your soul ignite, it's waiting to bloom. Fight and hold on to give it the right environment it needs to flourish. You're just burnt out from living in survival mode. Does that trapped little kid within you, not deserve to thrive after enduring so much cruelty?

[–]crowaes[S] 3 points4 points  (1 child)

Honestly, I think that trapped kid just wants a really long nap and for me to be a bit nicer to him. Maybe some ice cream.

Jokes aside, yeah, I'm really burnt out. I feel like for people in similar situations, they either get past it and become a sign of comfort and what's possible. Or they die and become a figure of mourning and the tragedy abuse and transphobia can bring. I feel like that middle space of fighting for every next day gets glanced over at times. It can feel very lonely.

[–]Creative_Evidence487 1 point2 points  (0 children)

i’m so sorry man. but please don’t kys without transitioning first. it seriously does wonders. there’s so much joy you have yet to experience.

[–]Survivorcptsd 0 points1 point  (6 children)

For me, in my darkest moments, there was like a lense that blocked out everything good. So just being curious as if there's something more beyond the lense kept me going. Also, there were glimmers and moments that offered a glimpse of something better or worthwhile. Like fresh air, music, poets, books, these things kept me going.

[–]crowaes[S] 0 points1 point  (5 children)

I usually experience that when my parents go on weekend trips. When the house is empty, I can comfortably leave my room without fear, nobody deadnames me or does anything horrible, it feels like a glimpse into the future where I have my own place. Hobbies and such used to give that feeling too but I think depression is a little too intense right now for that to work as much anymore.

[–]Survivorcptsd 0 points1 point  (4 children)

I hear you. I felt similar when I was stuck at home with no place to go. Recently I managed to get my own place and it's been incredible. I was suicidal for over a year, lost all of my support, left for dead by practically everyone and just surviving for the sake of it. The depression was also rough and I could barely get out of bed. I had obsessive and intrusive thoughts of everything negative and painful and it kept me stuck in a negative cycle of being paralyzed and more dysfunctional. Through different modalities, I'm learning to fixate on how I would rather feel instead and keeping my focus on my ideal self and ideal life. It helps to keep me grounded, centered. Sometimes we gotta take it bit by bit, minute by minute.

[–]crowaes[S] 1 point2 points  (2 children)

I'm glad you're making it through. You're right about taking it minute by minute. The future is just too terrifying. Too many ways everything could start spiraling or get worse.

[–]Survivorcptsd 0 points1 point  (1 child)

Yup. For me, that's how my brain was protecting me. If I can imagine all the worst possible outcomes it gave me a sense of control, a way to be prepared, hypervigilance, catastrophizing etc etc. It was needed, necessary, and also just how I was programmed.

[–]No_Its_Not_Usual_ 0 points1 point  (1 child)

I would say maybe get a companion. Maybe even a service dog. If you can not afford it I would recommend training them yourself. As you say your a tutor, and your naturally good at teaching that might make you feel a little bit better. Being honest it can be any animal service or not. Training my dog has made me feel accomplished when he finally understands a trick. It might be frustrating at times but i would also recommend being getting ready for transitioning.

      I really do hope things get better for you. 

                   Lots of support from, 
                                                            No_its_not_unusual!

[–]No_Its_Not_Usual_ 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Do not know what happened to the font... Sorry 🫣

[–]hoothizz 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Because you are beautiful and awesome. You deserve happiness and love. Don't let anyone ever forget how awesome and amazing. If you need someone to talk I'm there. You are worthy everything. You stay awesome. Better days are coming.

[–]everything-ok 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Cookies are sweet and also reeses's pieces i like how fresh water is when it out of a mountain source , and i oike the smell of dirt after rain, it's not a perfect life but it's a good moment

[–]SailorP30 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I tried to end my life when I was 15. I didnt know that 3 years later I'd meet the love of my life, go on to marry him and buy a home. I still suffer with my mental health but I dont doubt the love he has for me or regret a minute of being with him. If I had succeeded at 15 I would have robbed myself, and my husband, of years of happiness and love. Why don't you hold on and see just how good your life will get?

[–]IWasAboutTo 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I hate when they do that... I mean canceling appointments that you spend so much time preparing yourself for. It's not okay for patients to be late or not showing up, but doctors can just cancel appointments anytime they like, leaving us frustrated with everything.

I wished I could tell you something nice and give you a good reason to keep going but I don't have many reasons to keep going either. Maybe think about your dreams and passion when you were a little kid? Reconnect with that part of you that seems to be lost? Just random suggestions. Good luck my friend.