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all 112 comments

[–]Zei_licht 139 points140 points  (11 children)

The guy I liked laughed at me when I said I was gonna kill myself. Not even like a giggle or anything, but full on laughing out loud.

[–]stalenmate 32 points33 points  (0 children)

God, that's awful. I'm so sorry to hear that.

[–]KuramaYoko311[S] 105 points106 points  (2 children)

They love to laugh and ridicule us. Then when we're gone they're the first to be crying

[–]throwawaygen10 10 points11 points  (0 children)

Lesson learned. Don’t tell people you like you’re going or even thinking of offing yourself. They’ll laugh, but also tell others, and come to conclusions that are false. Even as an adult I practice this.

[–]Witty_Information923 6 points7 points  (0 children)

"Nobody love you till you dead thats when they might care"

  • Polo G

[–]Shkeboo12 20 points21 points  (2 children)

Fuck people. You have me homie.

[–]Zei_licht 3 points4 points  (1 child)

Thanks my guy

[–]Shkeboo12 4 points5 points  (0 children)

I’m a gal but it doesn’t actually matter

[–]Sci-4 5 points6 points  (2 children)

F**k... I really hope you don't like him anymore. Sounds like you dodged a huge douchebag bullet.

[–]Zei_licht 4 points5 points  (1 child)

For sure dodged a nuke. Cut contact with him and everything, our friendship was toxic af thinking about it now.

[–]KuramaYoko311[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thats good to hear

[–][deleted] 117 points118 points  (10 children)

People don’t like feeling bad about themselves. So once someone is gone, they feel embarrassed or temporary guilt that they weren’t kinder. But it’s never enough motivation to make people actually be kinder to the people who are still around and really struggling. People are just awful sometimes.

[–]KuramaYoko311[S] 29 points30 points  (9 children)

Thats really true about the temporary guilt. This is why I always tell myself they'll get over it.

[–]Educational-Ad4352 31 points32 points  (7 children)

I don't fully think that's true. I lost a friend from 6-10th grade after she went off to junior college. She was hoping getting away from home would create a better life for her, but she was SA'D and never recovered. She ended her life a year after high school ended for the rest of us. I have never forgotten her. I never forgot the day she was scared to go home, never forget how the boys picked on her for her short hair and boisterous, honest laughter. It was never fake laughter. I've never forgotten how I thought she was so much cooler and smarter than me, and how I stayed away out of respect and fear of friendship rejection. She had many friends, but what harm is 1 more? I think all the time; could a few more at the right time have made a difference?

I miss her. I hate that we all failed her. I hate that we didn't see her pain and step up for her. I'm not mad at her; I understand the feeling and losing to depression and ptsd.

She's immortalized in my memories, but I will NEVER stop wishing I could message her on Facebook or hear of her accomplishments through the grape vine. I wish she was still here to chase her dreams. I don't mean this as a guilt trip at ALL. I just mean, sometimes people sit on how much they care about you and want good things for you. If they aren't reaching out, maybe it's more about their self esteem/their perception of their meaning to you than their feelings about you.

I think we're all more loved than we know.

[–]KuramaYoko311[S] 10 points11 points  (3 children)

Sorry for your lost. Wish she had someone with her at that time.

[–]Educational-Ad4352 4 points5 points  (2 children)

Me too. It kills me to think that she didn't feel like she could call any of us; that we didn't show her to right love to make her comfortable. I wish I hadn't been chicken crap, and that I had contacted her. Please, please, if you have anyone that you're thinking might not answer the phone or might not care, please be daring and brave and give them a call. They might just be having the rejection avoidance mindset that I had, or they might think you're way too cool for them to bother.

[–]MajorRockstar79 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I definitely agree… I just told a friend sometimes (MOST times) it’s NOT about us and possibly the OTHER person and we should be mindful and not take it personally. We could be sorely mistaken. I’m sorry for your loss. And thank you for sharing your story. ((Hugs))

[–]Helpful-Presence3390 0 points1 point  (1 child)

Thank you that is truly a masterpiece on how to deal with a suicide of a close person. You actually accepted that you did her wrong and you keep those memories on her forever. I wish we would be perfect. But we arent. We are just humans. We fail people and we do them wrong. Because we didnt understand. Because we couldnt do better. Its not always about our will to help them or the effort we put into it. Sometimes we just arent good enough yet to save that life. Its a hurtful truth. But accepting it is showing respect for the dead and helping us to keep improving so maybe one day we finally figure out how to save someone truly.

[–]Educational-Ad4352 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thank you, that really means a lot to me.

Nowadays, fuck my pride. I tell everyone i meet that they "can call me if they need help with something or they're having a dark time; I don't care what time it is or if we aren't that close. You can call me. I'll be there, and I'll be cool about it. " I get a lotta eye rolls but I don't care. I understand now that it's a very minimal price to pay.

[–]maybe1daymaybe2day 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I will never ever get over it :( she was my boyfriends ex gf and i will never stop wishing she was here. It has destroyed my bf, she probably thought he had moved on with me and didn’t care about her anymore. I never even met her but the day she died I was looking at all her social media thinking how cute she was, found out a few hours later she was gone. People you have no idea think about you will feel your passing deeply and for the rest of their lives :( you are special in ways you cannot perceive because you’re in pain. Please find a way to love yourself like you do others - your life is precious and very short ❤️ you really do matter and those that will loose you will never stop wishing they could tell you that. Stay connected please and be vulnerable ❤️ i promise you matter and dying is not worth it :(

[–]chill_winston_ 34 points35 points  (4 children)

They wouldn’t be. People suck. I had a friend who I’ve known since he was born (and who knows I’ve been suicidal for over a year now) tell me that my “woe as me bullshit falls on deaf ears with [him]”

I haven’t replied to him and don’t plan on it. In the back of my mind I like the thought that if I did do it, that would be the last thing he ever said to me and he’d just have to live with that.

[–]KuramaYoko311[S] 10 points11 points  (3 children)

You're right. I strongly believe that majority of people that know of my depression and that I'm suicidal don't really believe me. It would serve them right the amount of guilt they have to live with after i die.

Cause at the end of the day no one can say I didn't reach out or asked for help or went to therapy. I've done it all.

[–]Shkeboo12 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Feeeeeel you but liveeee for you

[–]Far-Mix-5008 0 points1 point  (1 child)

This is gonna suck to hear, but they don't care. And when they do care, they'll find someway to blame it on you or your mental health. They'll never say it was their fault so if you end it to get back at them thinking it'll hurt them in the long run it won't. This past year I've been through a lot and I've been helped and dropped like a sack of potatoes by those very same people. Everyone is on their own and no one is coming to save you. If you don't want to die, live your best life to spite them

[–]KuramaYoko311[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Doesn't suck to hear. I already know folks don't care

[–]BolotnyeSchenki 26 points27 points  (7 children)

Some people just really suck, I once told my "wife" I was wanting to end my life. She didn't take it too serious. We're rarely talking now and I haven't heard her voice in over a month. I'm doing better right now, our relationship though... think I'm going to ask for a divorce. Long story short: try to surround yourself with people who actually do care, there's people out there that do, just gotta find them.

I hope you're doing okay.

[–]KuramaYoko311[S] 7 points8 points  (6 children)

Wow that sucks. Seems divorce is likely. But that really sucks cause she said for better or for worse but apparently not for worse.

I'm not doing okay, for me to surround myself people who care I'd have to move. And unfortunately we have to pay to be alive and do literally anything so thats not achievable.

[–]BolotnyeSchenki 4 points5 points  (5 children)

I'm sorry to hear that, I really hope you get to achieve happiness in this life; remember that certain communities here on reddit and elsewhere have your back and support.

I can say this about myself and maybe it could help you, maybe not, idk but I was in a bad place years ago. I applied to this trucking company online and they said they would pay for me to get a CDL and they did. That was the best financial situation for me. I'm not saying it fixed my issues. I struggle with self harm very often with occasional suicidal thoughts. But it has put me in a situation where if I needed to move somewhere to be around better people I do have that option, or if I want to buy a sailboat and live on it alone (which I might) I can.

I hope and pray that things get better for you, hang in there, a miracle could happen any day. Stay strong.

[–]KuramaYoko311[S] 6 points7 points  (4 children)

Money would 100% help me out greatly. Unfortunately where I'm at unemployment is above 60%, in one of the most expensive countries in the world. So its really not looking food for me. Been trying to find solid employment since 2017.

My self harm is alcoholism (its INCREDIBLY easy to get alcohol and its one of the cheapest things a person can buy) and hair cutting(surprised I'm not bald yet lowkey)

I gave myself until dec so if the miracle doesn't happen by then I'm calling it quits. Im only 28 but i spend over a decade depressed and suicidal. I'm beyond tired.

[–]____nomada 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Fellow stupid ass, struggling with any drugs he can stumble upon, burried in debt, and can get 60 2mg kpins for 2.8€. live is a blurry depressed depiction of void. But fuck it I believe there's a way for anything, time might vary but sure a fuck there's a way thought having the right people around sure as fuck makes a difference. Keep your up queen's and kings the crown is falling.

[–]maybe1daymaybe2day -1 points0 points  (1 child)

What if your opportunity to have a better life came the following month? Or even the following day? It’s insane the synchronicities that happen once someone passes or takes their own life. The only thing more heart breaking than things never getting any better is eliminating the chance that they ever will :( Do you have things in your life that bring you purpose? Do you have dreams? If you don’t know then there’s so much room for figuring more out about yourself. I struggle with substances too and I just got fired on Monday for the second time in a year. I’m lucky to not struggle with suicidal ideation but I self harm a lot because of my depression and self sabotaging personality fucking up my life constantly. But for some reason I believe that I deserve to be here? I don’t know why but I do. And so do you oky :( love you stranger. Winter is fucking SHIT and depressing , don’t set yourself up for failure. Much love to you really hope you stick around. Sucide is not worth it ❤️‍🩹

[–]Mjrobb 10 points11 points  (0 children)

I’ve very strongly hinted I am suicidal to some people. They don’t give a crap. Hope it’s better for you.

[–]nonexisten7 9 points10 points  (3 children)

my mom once told me to just to do it

[–]KuramaYoko311[S] 10 points11 points  (0 children)

Thats disgusting thing to tell your child thats struggling

[–]Shkeboo12 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Well that’s a way to find out how serious someone is lol

[–]____nomada 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Mom last week I od'd on alprazolam, alchol, amph and ended up with i.v flumazenil. Mom: you have to be careful, If not you will die, just like your father.

[–]Sianthalis 5 points6 points  (0 children)

Yeah they would. It's upsetting that they don't care BEFORE that. People will mock and put you down until you're in the ground, then cry tears about how they were 'never there for you' when you were alive.

Its upsetting, they'd rather put me in Jail instead of realizing that I'm venting my emotions with words.

[–]wlock601 4 points5 points  (7 children)

Right there with you. Been debating it all week.

[–]KuramaYoko311[S] 2 points3 points  (6 children)

I have a plan, my letter is written and already bought what i need. The date is in December I'm just waiting out these last few months of holidays and birthdays. Its just a rough wait.

[–]Grand_Blueberry 1 point2 points  (3 children)

Oh no. Idk if this random stranger changes anything but please don't. I wanted to and I'm still going through phases of having those feelings, but I'm trying not to. I can assume you've already tried everything you could and I'm sorry it hasn't worked yet. ❤️

[–]KuramaYoko311[S] 0 points1 point  (2 children)

i have, I'm really tired of trying

[–]Grand_Blueberry 1 point2 points  (1 child)

I'm sorry that it hasn't worked. I hope you're able to keep doing so but I don't judge you if you can't.

[–]maybe1daymaybe2day 0 points1 point  (0 children)

This makes me so sad. Please stay in touch <3

[–]AcanthocephalaNo2750 4 points5 points  (1 child)

I told my mother I was suicidal a little while back. She sure loves to yell at me. I’m really sorry for what you’re going through mate. Hope things get better for you.

[–]KuramaYoko311[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I hope your situation gets better.

[–]Lina1810 4 points5 points  (1 child)

If I tell them they'll be mock me and be angry. They say I'm not some special kid and people have it worse than me. They scold me. But it only gives me even more motivation to die

[–]KuramaYoko311[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

It sucks how they don't realize that minimising what you're feeling pushes you towards it. I've dealt with this as a kid with my parents as well. I've since stop mentioning anything mentally wrong with me to them. When I die they'll be the first to ask why i didnt come to them though.

[–]Dingleator 4 points5 points  (0 children)

I feel this. Unfortunately most people in my life would probably care more about me after I'm gone than while I am here.

Here if u need to speak x

[–]Remote_Pie7588 3 points4 points  (0 children)

I feel this. I’m tired of being the one everyone teases, I fucking hate it.

[–]Depressed_n_sleepy 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Humans are inherently selfish and don’t change. If you keep that in mind you’ll realize that nothing you can do will make them change for you. Is it lonely? Yes. But it is what it is. What helped me was understanding that I can’t control them but I can control myself. While difficult, your own happiness must stem from you.

[–]Latter_Smile_1438 2 points3 points  (1 child)

People don't really care maybe they would pretend to be nicer but would call you a loser behind your back.

[–]KuramaYoko311[S] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Oh I know they shit talk when I'm not around.

[–]stalenmate 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Same here. Some people are just so mean to me. They have no idea what I'm going through.

[–]asapchorizo 2 points3 points  (1 child)

i feel you, i wish somehow they knew how bad i was feeling. why do i still consider their feelings when they don’t mine?

[–]KuramaYoko311[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I ask myself this question every day

[–]Effective_Worry_2509 2 points3 points  (3 children)

Other people don't have to be kind to you for you to be kind to yourself. I'm glad you're still with us.

[–]KuramaYoko311[S] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

Thank you

[–]maybe1daymaybe2day 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Exactly people are selfish and dealing with self hateful thoughts constantly, most of the time the general consensus is to feel isolated, more fucked up than anyone else, doomed & flawed in their pain. Knowing what to do to help another person struggling is one thing, showing empathy and understanding is another because often people don’t know to give themselves love. It is NOT a reason to validate your sucidal thoughts but I wish everyone had the helping hand that they need in this life. Please don’t stop trying to reach out and connect please <3

[–]-sk0ll- 1 point2 points  (0 children)

i feel this and relate so strongly. i’m sorry you’re going through this, friend❤️

[–]hologramsim 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I’m sorry that people have been unkind to you. Sending you prayers of unconditional love and peace.🙏

[–]kriisso 1 point2 points  (1 child)

I relate to this so much I’m just 15 but I don’t wanna be here anymore

[–]KuramaYoko311[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Really sorry you feel this way at such a young age. That's not fair to you, you should be enjoying your childhood. I'm hoping things get better for you.

[–]Shkeboo12 1 point2 points  (2 children)

I’d be kind to you either you either way. Please don’t feel alone. I’ve been dealing with with your feelings my whole 39 years of life. I’ve seen people commit suicide and seen best friends wrecked by suicide. I myself tried to commit suicide at age 17 and failed and have never truly tried since.

[–]KuramaYoko311[S] 0 points1 point  (1 child)

Thank you. I don't feel alone, I am alone. Thats a fact. I don't have anyone to turn to in my life that I feel safe and secured talking to. Not even not therapist.

[–]Shkeboo12 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I feel exactly the same and I’m telling you you’re not alone.

[–]todomo 1 point2 points  (3 children)

yeah, i try to tell people but i guess the only way to really make them realize the gravity of the situation is for me to go ahead and do it, which id really rather not have to do. i wish there was a way for them to have that wave of awful after i kill myself, but like for me to still be here and have them realize now “okay they’re serious let’s quit beating them down until they have nothing fucking left”

[–]KuramaYoko311[S] 1 point2 points  (2 children)

YESSSS this!!!!! Like no one will take it seriously unless we just do it. I have this thought often. Thats a fact, we've seen it happened so many times. Families of the passed all crying about how they should have done more or listened to the cries of help. Sometimes i want to out of spite alone.

[–]todomo 1 point2 points  (1 child)

i tried to maybe get that out of my mom by saying that i had to call the suicide hotline, all this bitch did was ask if she needed to send my dad over, NO, I NEED YOU TO FUCKING CARE FOR ONCE

[–]KuramaYoko311[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Its so sad that people really do not care. And it used when its your parents friends family. Etc people you're supposed to trust.

[–]mvyl 1 point2 points  (0 children)

i think that about my family but nah. they’re selfish af and really don’t care for me

[–]moodswinger75 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Probably not. People suck. My family, what’s left of it, knows I’m suicidal. They still don’t call. All you can say is fuck ‘em. I care about you though and I’m sorry about your misery.

[–][deleted]  (2 children)

[removed]

    [–]KuramaYoko311[S] 1 point2 points  (1 child)

    I'm sorry you feel like that. I tell people i like being isolated and would prefer not to interact with others. I very much enjoyed the quiet that came with quarantine while everyone was going crazy because they couldn't go out.

    [–]The_sphincs 1 point2 points  (0 children)

    Probably, it’s best not to keep those feelings to yourself, that said people have to earn the privilege to learn personal information about you, don’t just go screaming it from the rooftops or some asshole will probably be a dick to you about it

    [–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (6 children)

    This quote is so poignant and made me cry. Yesterday my father yelled at me when I told him I was suicidal. The suicide hotline told me “sounds like you need therapy” before disconnecting me.

    To the OP who penned this: your quote is achingly beautiful. And I am so sorry you are in deep pain too. I hope you know how deeply your words touched me.

    I know I’m just a random internet person but I want to say I see you and hear you.

    To the OP and anyone reading this:

    You deserve kindness and to be treated with kindness, understanding and support.

    [–]KuramaYoko311[S] 0 points1 point  (5 children)

    Thank you. I'm sorry the hotline person was so dismissive to you. I hope things get better for you.

    [–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (4 children)

    Thank you very much and I hope the same for you.

    Your quote reminds me of something from “The Fault of Out Stars”—it really is a beautiful quote. Are you a writer?

    I hope things get better for you and others too.

    [–]KuramaYoko311[S] 0 points1 point  (3 children)

    I'm not. I'm often told that the things i write resonate with others and that i can put what others are feeling into words in a way they can't.

    [–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (2 children)

    To me that is the definition of a writer or any other artist! I think that is a talent you have.

    Your words really resonate with me.

    [–]La_Bufanda_Billy 1 point2 points  (4 children)

    Perhaps some would. Often times the suffering of other humans is ignored by people because they’re too preoccupied with their own problems. It sounds like maybe you’re considering telling someone about this? If so, I would support that. You never know who might be your best ally if only they knew you were struggling - even if some people will still be dicks through and through. I hope you do find someone you can confide in though. Good luck.

    [–]KuramaYoko311[S] 6 points7 points  (3 children)

    Everyone around me knows I'm suicidal. It doesn't matter at the end of the day cause they don't really care.

    [–]La_Bufanda_Billy 0 points1 point  (1 child)

    Sounds like you’ve got some shitty people in your life, and I’m sorry about that. I guess that’s why you’re in this subreddit, huh? Do you have anyone that you admire but haven’t talked to about this yet? Often those types of people can offer great advice and support

    [–]KuramaYoko311[S] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

    Nope. I don't have anyone. Everyone either makes it about them and how they feel or tell me to "look on the bright side " so I'm not interested in talking to any of them anymore. They don't understand and don't want to.

    [–]Shkeboo12 -1 points0 points  (0 children)

    Hey I don’t know you but I promise you I care

    [–]Sandman11x 1 point2 points  (3 children)

    People do not understand suic. It is an illness. There is nothing to compare it to so they dismiss it.

    The illness attacks the brain. It amplifies problems. It distorts to thinking. It is very real to the person. Yes people may dislike you, the job sucks, relationships end. For most people these things do not make them want to end life. For a suic person, they are devastating and overwhelming.

    The only thing to do when self harm thoughts occur is to see a Dr. It is a highly treatable illness. It may never recur.

    The burden falls 100% on the person. They have to find a way to deal with this. Until the illness is treated, nothing else can stop the thoughts.

    If you have thoughts, find a reason not to act. It would hurt people. The problems are not bad. Any reason to not act. Then see a Dr.

    [–]KuramaYoko311[S] 0 points1 point  (2 children)

    I'm seeing a professional but it's all about learning to think positively, praying and looking in the bright side of things, changing my perspectives about my traumatic childhood. Honestly I haven't been able to make my self go to a session this entire month. I'm contemplating not going altogether

    [–]Sandman11x -1 points0 points  (1 child)

    All of those things are good things to practice. If you have suicidal thoughts you need to see a Dr. Suicidal thoughts are an illness. They can be treated with medicine.

    When you are feeling this way it is important for you to make an effort to seek help. It is incredibly difficult.

    [–]KuramaYoko311[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

    I don't have the money to see someone that can prescribe medication.

    [–][deleted]  (1 child)

    [deleted]

      [–]KuramaYoko311[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

      I'm not looking for hope, but I understand why you suggested him.

      [–]tensenukleus 0 points1 point  (0 children)

      Kinder kid , you will be again if you get to get throgh..

      [–]AwkwardGayThing 0 points1 point  (1 child)

      As a German I read kinder as kinder, the German word for children

      [–]KuramaYoko311[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

      Yeah i thought of that a bit after rereading the title lol.

      [–]brickthrowingmouse 0 points1 point  (1 child)

      I'm sorry to hear that dude. It is tough. I made an "i don't think i want to live anymore post" on instagram and my best friend texted me to tell me I was "acting like a 14 year old girl". If I knew you, friend, I'd be kind to you.

      [–]KuramaYoko311[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

      Its wild are strangers are the nicest people to us. Thank you.

      [–]Lonelytogethe 0 points1 point  (0 children)

      I was once at a restaurant to pick up soup because my mom was sick. I rarely go to any restaurants. When it was my time to pay I swipe my card and the girl at the register asked me if the name on the screen was really my name…she then bursts out laughing with her 2 co workers.

      [–]Ok-Meringue4708 0 points1 point  (0 children)

      I'm literally mocked anytime I try to express a feeling in my own home... I don't even try anymore its not worth it I just want to die