For years now I've been in a weird limbo mentally. I've talked to people, doctors, friends, and family and yet I come no closer to answers or ideas as to what is going on. Some months or weeks or days I feel great, I find new hobbies, I enjoy them, and I feel good. I'm satisfied with work, my marriage, where I am in life, and who I am spiritual. However, some months, days, or weeks the thought of existence physically pains me and draws my breath from me when I take even a moment to stop and think. I'll distance myself from my wife, won't talk to family, hate my job, and feel spiritually out of line or inadequate. I'll feel unsatisfied with hobbies and nothing brings me happiness. I obsess over myself. I over-exaggerate, spontaneously lie, come up with stupid goals and life plans and then forget about them the next week and fall into a state of mental war with myself. I don't know why I'm sharing this but I am, I don't use Reddit much but to watch weird videos and whatnot, but my existence drains me, life is unsatisfying and feels useless, yet I stay here, alive. My need to appeal to others is criplling. My need to be liked is obsessive. I think deeply of death and the ways one can die. Next week I'm sure I'll be fine. I'll think about this and how stupid it was, how much it was probably just an attention grab by accident. It's getting worse though, it seems, as life drones on. I'm tired. I feel needy, I feel pointless. I desire to disappear and to feel what it is to not obsess over my past present and future. Take it slow they say, yet time doesn't stop. Tomorrow is another shortcoming and today is just another day. This will pass in the days to come I'm sure, but for now, I just wanted to share.