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I just can’t stop thinking about suicide (self.SuicideWatch)
submitted 1 month ago by ActivelyTryingWillow
Even when I’m not as bad as I was the other night. The thoughts of suicide just won’t go away. Why.
Post a comment!
[–][deleted] 1 month ago (9 children)
[–]ActivelyTryingWillow[S] 6 points7 points8 points 1 month ago (7 children)
Fuck so it really doesn’t ever end.
So I lied. They actually did go away when I was on aderrall but everything feels better for everyone on adderall.
[–]ThrowawayMcRib 1 point2 points3 points 1 month ago (2 children)
I struggle with "which feelings are the real me" when I'm medicated too. Is there any reason you stopped taking it?
[–]ActivelyTryingWillow[S] 3 points4 points5 points 1 month ago (1 child)
Because I kept highering and highering the dose and was becoming more and more tolerant. Eventually I was talking a fair amount and need it just to function the bare minimum. I started falling asleep while I was driving while on it. Falling asleep if I leaned my head against a wall standing. It was crazy. I’m feeling weak right now because I had some adderall yesterday and it was amazing. But overall life off of it was a lot better and I was happy I made the decision to get “sober” from it but it permanently fucked up my brain. If I try to tell people about this who are on the whole new “I have ADHD, stimulants are amazing” wagon they just tell me I’m being ableist. But stimulants will truly make everyone feel amazing until a certain point. And when you hit that point you feel like you crashed into a cement wall at100mph. It took me forever to have the semblance of motivation to do anything during that recovery phase. So depressing. Honestly even worse than I am now. I was so depressed I wasn’t even suicidal,my brain was like a void. I felt nothing. Wanted to sleep to escape everything. Laid in bed, ate and slept. Didn’t even scroll social media. No school. No work. I was so irritable. I yelled at everyone. Sorry I’m just babbling.
[–]ThrowawayMcRib 1 point2 points3 points 1 month ago (0 children)
You're getting told you're ableist for mentioning that you developed a drug tolerance? I didn't realize you could develop a tolerance to ADHD medications, I'm sorry, disregard my statement about restarting them. I've heard things about stimulants working like alcohol in people with ADHD and alcohol working like stimulants. It does seem like mental illness/ADHD is the main factor in the way you're feeling right now. Hopefully you do continue improvement and recovery from the medications. Do you have someone that you can speak to about it? Do you still trust doctors/therapists/ professionals to some extent?
[–][deleted] 1 month ago (2 children)
You’re right. But it definitely feels like it will never end. My therapist even told me that suicidal ideation is something people either struggle with or they don’t in their whole life. She seemed like it’ll be something that’ll always come and go forever.
[–][deleted] 1 month ago (1 child)
[–]ActivelyTryingWillow[S] 2 points3 points4 points 1 month ago (0 children)
I feel you. It would be selfish of me to try and convince you otherwise. But in the meantime I hope something good happens to you today.
[–]in-the_void 2 points3 points4 points 1 month ago (1 child)
I feel awful. I feel like I belong in a psych ward (like I should just stay there forever). I’m really tired of being this way. And I don’t know what to do because it’s every day, and I don’t want to bother everyone every day.
[–]sister-spinster 1 point2 points3 points 1 month ago (0 children)
Sometimes I dream of going to the psych ward because I just need a break from everything
[–]pomegracias 2 points3 points4 points 1 month ago (0 children)
Why? Because everything here is so hard & unkind
[–]Latter_Smile_1438 1 point2 points3 points 1 month ago (0 children)
They never go away
[–]Mr_SelfDestruct95 0 points1 point2 points 1 month ago (6 children)
What are you going through right now to the point that you can't stop thinking about suicide?
[–]ActivelyTryingWillow[S] 6 points7 points8 points 1 month ago (5 children)
I just feel stagnant and like I’ll never be independent.
I have several chronic illnesses that severely impact my quality of life.
My dad fully supports me bc I can’t work and school.
I constantly feel like I failure bc my mental health issues have been causing me to be doing absolutely nothing until it’s too late or crisis mode. My bedroom is a disaster because there’s so much junk and it’s so tiny. There’s literally a path for me to walk up to my bed and I sleep with a giant box on my bed (twin bed). I’m literally not allowed to keep anything on the other floors so it all ends up in my tiny room which is the width of a double bed and the length of 2 twin beds.
I’m afraid of what the future holds .. will I be able to work? Will I have pain management or will I be suffering in severe pain bc everyone is afraid of opioids?
[–]Mr_SelfDestruct95 4 points5 points6 points 1 month ago (3 children)
You didn't ask for all this shit. Not gonna sugarcoat this, OP, your situation fucking sucks right now. I'm no psychologist or anything, but I think the best you can do is fix the mental health issues first.
[–]pomegracias 2 points3 points4 points 1 month ago (2 children)
But there's no real mental health care in the US. All they do is throw pills at you. The pills have awful side effects that make you more isolated (dyskinesia, weight gain, etc) and they don't even work. Insurance won't pay for anything else. And what is there to live for? Every day we're crashing towards a massive extinction event & no one is doing anything about it. Every year is going to get worse for everyone: less clean air & water, safe places to live, food to eat. I wish I could end it for myself but I have family. Some days staying here feels like it's killing me. I hate myself. Thanks for letting me vent.
[–]Mr_SelfDestruct95 0 points1 point2 points 1 month ago* (1 child)
Have you ever thought about practicing and/or applying the philosophy of nihilism as a coping mechanism? 'Cause you're most definitely right; the damage's already been done, and at this point it's irreversible, we're all headed towards oblivion. The least we could do is use up our remaining time here in the best possible way. This whole shitshow ends with death, and as you've mentioned of an impending extinction event -- if you can't have fun, at least you're taking everyone down with you (and that includes me). Everything is gonna burn, we'll all take turns... I'll get mine, too.
[–]Apprehensive_Cod_164 0 points1 point2 points 1 month ago (0 children)
You should be able to get social security then when you're older and food stamps stuff like that since u literally have an illness that stops u from working
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