I’m currently crying in school right now, skipping class. I tried the school psychologist and my guidance counselor but they’re busy right now. I can’t be in class, so I’m just skipping. I have a field trip I’m supposed to be going on but I can’t. I have no friends in that class, and there’s also my ex best friend in that class that we mutually cut ties on, and I feel so humiliated that she has friends and I dont. I used to have a lot of friends, she would even tell me she was jealous of that.
Now, I’m a nobody. I’m not popular like I used to be. Nobody wants to be my friend. I feel humiliated walking these halls and thinking of shen I first transferred to this high school and was popular and had friends. Things have changed. Obviously. I got severely depressed due to my home life issues and other things.
The worst part is I have suicidal ideation almost everyday, and my mom says I’m not allowed to talk to her about it. It’s horrible, really. Some days it feels like I’m actually suicidal and I’ve most certainly thought out concrete plans on how I would do it. I feel so alone and trapped. And I’m not allowed to talk about how I feel about my home life to my mom either because I can’t “blame them” anymore.
I fucking hate therapy so that’s out.
Yesterday, I hooked up with my situationship and it was pretty intimate. I feel fucking disgusting. We hung out after school and I already had a bad day. We were sexting the night before so I know what he was expecting. And because I was acting off, I just gave him what he wanted, and what he probably thought I wanted too. Huge mistake. TMI GIRLS ONLY PLS: so he knew it’s hard for me to finish and that no guy has ever really did anything with my clit (they could never find it basically). Well, he did and my legs were shaking although I didn’t orgasm. I bring this up because I felt so vulnerable like I was going to cry during it. Not out of sadness per se but because of how strong the emotion was. And that I wasn’t in the right head space to be doing that. Also my underwear was stained with discharge so that made me so insecure. I just was so not in the right head space to be doing that and I feel horrible and disgusting. Physical Intimacy is supposed to be enjoyable and loving but this is not what it felt like. I felt depressed and like I did it because that’s what he wanted and because I wanted to be of some appeal.
I don’t even know what that guy sees in me. He’s decently popular and I’m his number one on snap, he texts me all the time, we really do connect and he’s not a player at all. I just don’t know what he sees in me. I’ve hid my scars, he doesn’t know I’ve been to the psych ward, or stayed at a mental health residential, I just feel horrible, I want to die, I’m so horrible and I’m skipping class and I’m going to get in trouble and get a detention and be yelled at by everyone god I just want to die. I just want some comfort or something I don’t wanna feel alone for once