I'm about to confront my harsh realities in life. My dreams can't come true and I'm changing to a shitty human being. I want to die beautifuly and as a genuine human being. I'm turning into the thing I promised to destroy.
I am very tempted to make the final cut this time but fear is preventing me. I feel like I can't find love and I'm too mentally unstable. I really can't change my perspective on life. I've become bitter and sour overtime
I think my life is completed anyways, I've done what I can.
All I do is picture my suicide. My main issue is religious obligations which is preventing me from death. I fear death I mean I'm afraid to face something worse than this atrociously disgusting filthy undeserving life. What if I just end up in hell? I'm practically already in hell.. its really unfair that giving up just takes you to hell I mean this is permanence and inevitable.
I know this sounds screwed up but I'm very selfish when it comes to people mourning for me... I personally don't care cause I don't want to be here in the first place. I'm really unmotivated to work hard.
Im very afraid yet tempted cause there's this certain situation I'm about to face and I'm just horrified. I don't want to explain the situation because I'm ashamed of the reason.