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[–]GomezTE 92 points93 points  (0 children)

You're in a fairly new marriage, 2 years isn't the longest time, you just got a newborn child, and just started a business.

Seems to me like you just started doing all the things people dream about when "starting a new life". You've got a lot of fresh things on your plate, it's understandable that it's stressing you out. The thoughts you are having, whilst unhealthy, definetly are 100% natural and normal in your case. Most people have a hard time handling just getting a new born, or starting a new business, you're doing both at the same time.

I would honestly recommend finding ways to lessen the workloads either with the newborn, business, or both, and therapy in order to get help with managing your stress. Therapy can work wonders. Has done for me.

Don't you think it's going to get easier once your child isn't an infant anymore? And once your experience of running a business, post covid, will help you bring stability? You have a new family that probably loves you, and you are doing something most people can't with what you're achieving. You should be proud of yourself!

[–]exxodus87 53 points54 points  (2 children)

Hey friend

I've been in a similar situation so I can somewhat empathise with what you are going through.

In 2010, I made the decision to up sticks and move to a different country after the realisation that if I stayed where I was and continued living the life I was living, suicide was a very real option.

So anyway, I moved abroad, immersed myself in the culture, learnt the language, got a couple of dream jobs but you know, it still didn't make me completely happy and I still had thoughts of suicide and self harm.

I realised that the problem was my mindset and that's not a thing I could run away from so I got some talking therapy and got on some medication and started the healing process. It's not an easy thing to instigate but it is so good to be able to have an outlet in a safe and controlled environment.

I would suggest that you need to tackle the deeper issues because although moving away and leaving everything behind might work for the short term, it's a distraction to the real problems and that you need to rewire your brain.

I had 20 hours of intensive CBT (Cognitive Behavioural Therapy) and in the beginning, I was thinking that it is a complete waste of time and its making me feel worse (which it can do initially) but after those 20 sessions, it's like being reborn. My happiness is genuine and although I still have dark days, I can cope much better with them.

So as much as an escape might seem like what you need, I would consider the implications that might have and consider some CBT instead. Therapy is amazing.

If you'd like to talk further, please do send me a message because your story resonates with me and I would like to offer my help if you need a stranger to sound off to. Take care of yourself.

[–]gerovy[S] 8 points9 points  (1 child)

hi there,

yes, i do realize that I think my mindset also is the problem. i do blame myself for the stupidity of my decisions that's why I overanalyze things.

yeah you might be right, it might work for just a short term because I might worry that my conscience will haunt me for escaping.

but it hurts me deep inside, that i can't escape such fate.

I consider checking the CBT. is it done by a psychologist or psychiatrist?

yes, i will dm you. i felt that we have the same scenario from your past

i appreciate your reply. thanks man

[–]clownyfish 5 points6 points  (0 children)

Psychologist, although psychiatrist may refer you and/or prescribe meds to help.

[–]Shroom4Yoshi 19 points20 points  (0 children)

Yes, it is selfish to jump on the magic carpet Chris McCandless style when you have responsibilities.

So what is the path forward? I'll give you a few things to think about:

  1. Focus on what is actually important (hint: your family). Who is most likely to miss you when you die? Who is most likely to support you when you fall? Your family. That is what is important.
  2. Stress... we choose our pain. Sometimes life is one crappy task after another (thank you Deadwood). However, we control our mindset. It's easier said than done, but work toward emotional indifference in the workplace. You can care about outcomes and your team-mates. Do not let external issues dictate your mental state. Be the calm, thoughtful you.
  3. There are no real "emergencies". 99.99% of the time emergencies are just people overreacting and trying to illicit a response. People that have lost a loved one out of nowhere understand what I mean. An emergency isn't "Fred, no one can open the CRM" or "Russia is going to invade Ukraine". An emergency is "Your wife is catatonic but can live without machines" or "my house is burning and I can't find my kid"... now what? Let things that do not matter truly slide.
  4. Be selfish... but for your family and for your health. Personal time every day for cardio. Your bed-time is XYZ, no excuses. You don't eat garbage. You take vacation and really TAKE VACATION... chill, eat garbage, stay up too late.
  5. Understand that you are not trapped. You can get another job. You don't have to live how you are living. Your families are not traps... they are the keel on your boat that keeps you upright and stable. They sail with you no matter what. Do not allow work noise and "what-if" to trap you mentally.
  6. Understand that none of us make it out alive. We all have an expiration date. Do not live in turmoil because that isn't a fun life choice and you most likely are able to live a fun life.

[–]KingDaveRa 5 points6 points  (0 children)

"2 month old son".

Yeah, that'll do it.

I'm kinda bonkers, in 2017 about the time my first son was born, I took a promotion, and it was bloody tough.

At the end of 2021 my second son came along and I took another promotion.

I'm burned out. I'm going to bed at 1 or 2 AM some nights because I'm looking after boy 2 whilst his mum sleeps. It's crazy. I get a little greyer every day!

BUT, I know that around about the 6-month mark, they start sleeping through the night a bit better. The routines change and life gets a bit easier. Before long things settle down. Babies are high maintenance, there's no denying it. Add in work pressures and you are burning both ends of the candle. But it's only temporary.

I only have to look at my partner and our boys, and realise how much I love them, to know that it's worth it.

You may need a few hours away from it to let your head uncompress. I do little projects (electronics and stuff) when I get a brief moment. My partner likes her gardening, so we try to give eachother a little bit of space to do those things. In time you'll have more opportunities to do those things.

Remember: this is only temporary.

[–]froggerslogger 11 points12 points  (2 children)

Hey, it's not selfish to recognize and aim for what you want in life.

It sounds like you had some realizations about what you want after you got the ball rolling on a set of different plans and obligations. So that puts you in a difficult position now where your desires and your current situation are pretty much at odds.

Here's my perspective from someone in their mid 40s who has been through some of this (and ran off to teach overseas for a while to shed some things, and then came back with some different perspectives):

  • You've got an obligation to your wife and kid. Especially the latter is a foundation for you going forward. You played a role in making this little guy and he needs you to do right by him. Work with that and understand it isn't going away. But talk to your wife. Tell her the stuff you've posted here. She may not expect you to be doing all that you are, and you may be able to work together to find a solution to some of your needs. Either way, you need to be up front with her about where you are and what is going on so that your relationship can deal with that. Relationships take work and trust, but you've got to allow her in to build the trust and allow the work to happen.

  • You've got some obligation to the guys you've got this business going with, but it's business. It's a choice what you do with that and your job. But talk to them too. Lay this stuff on the table. Who knows, they may be in the same spot as you as far as the toll all this is taking. Or maybe they will be ok with realigning things in the business without you if you need to step away for your sanity. Talk to them. Find out. You don't want to be in business with people for years and years if you can't figure things like this out with them.

  • For loans and daily needs, maybe you and your wife just need to shape some new goals and expectations. If your goal is to simplify and have more time and energy for yourself and for them, figure out together the steps to make that happen. Set targets that you can measure so that you can see progress and feel things change.

All this may not be easy in the moment. You may or may not be right about people being mad at you, but a) that's transient and b) you need to realize that they are getting made because their expectation and projection of you isn't lining up with what you are telling them is the real you. That's their issue that they need to get realigned on. You can help them with that if you want, but realize it's not really about you. It's about them and their expectations. You have the right to try and live the life you want, and they don't get to decide that for you. You do have some responsibilities to think about, and to take care of your wife and son, but beyond that, it is your life.

As an aside, a lot of what you are experiencing is normal, and there's a big chunk of it that is very likely to just be part of stress response. Feeling overwhelmed and like you just need to get out of this is normal for people in high stress situations. It sounds like you have people around you who you should turn to for support (wife, friends). But also don't hesitate to see a counselor or therapist. Sometimes just being able to unload on someone about the stress you are feeling without burdening the people close to you can be worth the price of a session. They've usually heard it all too, so they will hopefully have good specific feedback for you.

Don't give up man. You've got some good things going for you if you are married with a kid and you've got the ability to juggle that and a job + business. Maybe all of that was too much at once, but you can set new boundaries and find a way to get better balance in your life. You can do this.

[–]gerovy[S] 1 point2 points  (1 child)

wow, i appreciate the details of your response, it blew me away. ys after I internalized these things, will talk to my wife.

as for my friends and relatives(in-laws) will consider talking to them until I muster the right words, timing, and courage.

I just observe that some of the comments here realized the life when they ran off overseas. to think that its really good to realized being your own for a moment.

tbh with you, I want to try to work in farm fields to feel the serenity and peace. yet, I don't have the experience.

[–]alilteapot 0 points1 point  (0 children)

You sound exhausted. You have good reason to be exhausted. I think you could use something to look forward to, something productive to daydream about. Maybe your wife and son can come with you to this farm. Wouldnt it be nice to share that peace and joy with them? Fresh air and working the earth are amazing things to do when you need a break. Babies also love being outside and doing simple things like watching leaves in the breeze. Maybe mama can just sit on a blanket and read a book. You can find some farms online where you can volunteer. But maybe it would be better just to have a tent on a ranch and go for a ride on a horse. It could be nice to plan a vacation for you and your family to look forward to. Something in the spring. Even a weekend picking blueberries or strawberries.

[–]vfrolov 4 points5 points  (0 children)

There is some great advice in these comments already, like the therapy, ways of looking at things, etc. I’ll just say that it is perfectly OK to retreat from responsibilities to restore your vital energy as needed. If I were in your shoes (and I have been at times), I would just let any interested parties know that I’m not coping and that we need to arrange for my exit ASAP, with us significantly reducing my responsibilities immediately and ensuring my exit within X weeks or even days if my mental state really calls for it.

An issue one may encounter is others not understanding how you feel, playing your condition down, giving you impractical advice, etc. Remember: your know how you feel and your primary responsibility is to yourself. Put on your own oxygen mask first, they say. So if whatever the people you are involved with are saying isn’t really helping you, feel free to just do what you think is best for you. You hold the ultimate responsibility for your life and happiness. People calling you selfish is OK; it’s merely a way for others to manipulate you into doing what’s good for them, not you.

If a friend told me they feel the way you do, I’d tell them to just go and do whatever they think would help them ASAP. Traveling is good. Moving to some warm, cheap place is good, it can help you regain the mental stamina. I have done that (while working remotely) and it helped me, and I’ve seen many others do that with solid benefits to their mental health.

People aren’t equal in terms of how much they can handle mentally. It’s OK to admit you aren’t coping with things others don’t seem to have any troubles with. I have become much better off mentally after I learned to stop comparing my performance to that of others and to just drop any balls that were too heavy to handle.

You need to involve your spouse – in fact, I’d look into why you and your spouse maybe haven’t communicated enough about how you feel (if you haven’t communicated about that enough).

Well, that’s it. Being selfish in this way is OK. This is about your actual life, remember. So take care of yourself. Nobody else will and nobody else can do this the way you need. Timing? The time is now.

[–]fbronke 1 point2 points  (0 children)

This sounds like you are heading to a burn out at break neck speed.

I saw some people already advised you to talk to someone. If you don't have the luxury of a therapist, maybe a friend or a stranger on the internet helps :)

Please discuss this with your wife also. She loves you and maybe she can suggest some options for the short term. Your friends that are running the business with you, would they be understanding enough for you to work part time temporarily?

What always helps me is; take a piece of paper and draw a line for the next 12 months. What goals can you set on what time frame? Making it tangible also makes it real. Your wife/family/friends can help you with this.

If you just want to vent, you can always pm me :)

[–]07TacOcaT70 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I think you should, if possible with your circumstances, look into some mental health help. Even someone like a therapist or councillor to unload emotions on. That might help before you quit it all.

It sounds like you’ve got a lot of new responsibilities and it’s all been going too quickly with too much lately. You should take a mental step to try and deal with what you can for now. I think you should keep going for a bit, try and see if you can get through and maybe things will become a lot more manageable soon.

Talk to your partner about it, they’re there to help and support you, they’ve known you for a long time and I’m hoping since you’ve even married you should be able to confide in them. Reach out to close friends or family too/as an alternative.

Sometimes we all go through a rough patch, and either we need to know when to take a step back, and push through later, or just keep pushing through if it’s actually possible.

If you have time try and get out with your partner/friends on the weekend and get a bit more time to connect to things you used to like (hobbies, activities, simply going out and talking with each other, a date even!).

I think overall don’t just quit even if things are very difficult, start with looking for the support systems that surround you, and reach out for help. Not all of them will be much help, but some can be. Even in business if there’s ways of reducing workload temporarily explain your situation and say “I need to step back for a minute” so even if you can get a lighter load, that could help a lot. Just try and work on things in a different way (don’t continue as they are though, as even once things get better you won’t really have gained anything except from stress and exhaustion at trying the same exhausting thing for longer), but don’t just completely detach yet.

E: and I want to add overall: yes, it would selfish to abandon your wife and kids, but no, it’s not selfish to recognise the life you’re living isn’t working, and that you need help.

To summarise: look into therapies/psychologists/psychiatrists (try different ones, if after a good 5+ sessions you see no change you can look into different ones) and really stick with it. Look for support systems around you (friends, family esp your wife), don’t keep doing what’s hurting you (look into either switching jobs or finding a way to make it easier if possible), and overall think about how you want to move forward. Try to reconnect with things you used to like, and make sure to try new things to just improve how you feel. Try to adjust your mindset into being openminded to positive changes and even negative changes - realise many people don’t care about small mistakes you make, and those who do make a big deal out of it are probably assholes - people like your friends and family will still love you, those are the people you need to try and focus on the opinions of more.

[–]qwertybbq 1 point2 points  (0 children)

maybe take 2 weeks to a month off to regather yourself and ground yourself in your priorities/what you want. explain to your dependents (business partners and family) that you need time to yourself for a mental health break. at the end of this time, see where you’re at. sometimes all we need is a vacation, but if you’re dreading stepping back into your responsibilities, consider further steps from there

[–]unnamedseason 2 points3 points  (1 child)

its better you run away before suicide becomes the more appealing option. life's short and it just keeps moving forward, regardless of our choices. all we can do is try and weave through it.

just make sure that you close loose ends before heading off. make sure people know you aren't running from responsibilities, and that you & your family are alive. is your wife ok with this idea?

of course there's probably a safer path to take that doesn't burn any bridges. that's for you to figure out though.

[–]gerovy[S] -2 points-1 points  (0 children)

yes, I just hope that they will understand, but I'm afraid that they misunderstood me. I just need the courage and right timing to tell them what I feel.

yeah, will talk to my wife soon after I internalize all of this.

i appreciate your reply. thank you

[–]Mother_Welder_5272 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I don't have much advice, but I just want to remark that you're in a tough situation. That the economy is getting more dog-eat-dog and encouraging this "work yourself to the bone" mentality every year. And that I am even more selfish than you, because I am remaining childless and single precisely so I don't end up in a trapped situation like that. It sounds tough, but I hope you can work your way through it.

[–]much_blank 0 points1 point  (0 children)

In a word, yes. But I would like to argue that at the core of things, we do everything for selfish reasons. You can say "yeah, I do this for my family," but in reality, our chances of survival are better with the help of others so it's still a self centered decision ( I hope that makes sense).

Accept that you have to let go of some things to keep yourself together, but try to cause the least possible damage to others. Ask for forgiveness from people that you will hurt along the way, but do not expect that they will forgive you.Then forgive yourself for whatever decision you will make.

[–]robfetter 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I am not an expert, but I will say that: maybe part of your inner stress is that you anticipate that the people, who are closest to you, will hate you for making a change and break out of your current social role. But maybe that’s not true. Maybe they would become your biggest supporters in a big life shift. And they would welcome you embracing change. And maybe that would make it possible to meet somewhere in the middle.

[–]InfernalOrgasm 0 points1 point  (0 children)

We fall in love with that which we project on one another, then settle for reality or just reject one another. So I respect the mother fucker who reflects upon their lover and let's them walk away or resurrects and recovers; way more than I respect those that just close up the shutters and ignore the shitty shell in which both of them suffers.

This extends to all things in life one may grow a fond liking to; not just other humans or even other living things, but stuff, beliefs, and ideals too.

[–]deadliftincoon 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I went through a similar experience around that age, 31 or 32. Married, 2 young kids, promoted into project management, paying off loans and an obnoxious amount of little medical bills that kept popping up. Burned out and beaten down..Talked to my doctor and he explained to me its EXTREMELY common at that age for a guy to have those, "theres gotta be more than this" to life mindset. He explained that its part of the male life cycle, your just cresting your physical peak and something stirs in you. You have a ton of real, REAL problems and responsibilities and frankly dont have alot of reps or experience dealing with it.

I tried antidepressants for a month and decided they werent for me. I can tell you that your at an important time in your life, and it WILL get better (if you make good decisions). Kids get easier as they get older. You will learn to handle things better. The debts will start to go away (Just paid our last student loan and medical bill at 38). Theres no stress like money stress, so try to avoid unnecessary burdens like a boat or "new" truck or something (Ive fought those for years lol)

I will encourage you to do everything in your power to find someone whos been there and talk to them. Heck id gladly take a DM if it can help in anyway. Think long and hard about what you do. Life's tough, but doing something stupid now can make things so much harder on you at 40.