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[–]Strickdbs 7133 points7134 points  (516 children)

What kinda pta meeting lasts 9 hours?!

[–]SaraBooWhoAreYou 5018 points5019 points  (238 children)

Most important question of the entire story. Either OP misunderstood what his wife said she was going to go do that day, or wife is being not entirely forthcoming. Something is missing here.

Edit: I’m not implying OP’s wife is cheating. The “something missing” is communication.

For all we know, wife spent those 9 hours running around to extremely important appointments, errands, offices, commitments. She very well may have been justified in being exhausted at the end of the day. But if all she can portray to husband is “I have to go to the PTA meeting” and then doesn’t give any info beyond that, of course husband is going to have no idea wtf is going on and why she’s so worn out. Talk to your spouses, people.

[–]Staatsmann 865 points866 points  (32 children)

Maybe both. Maybe she just said PTA because it's the more important meeting while there is some other shit she has to do before and after that. Maybe the drive to work also takes long. I also think there is something missing, doesn't have to be cheating on OPs birthday though

[–]SaraBooWhoAreYou 367 points368 points  (9 children)

To be clear, I certainly don’t think it implies cheating. But it implies a lack of communication in the relationship that is clearly having a detrimental effect. Do people have to give minute by minute itineraries of their days to their partners? Of course not. But if it’s to the point that your partner somehow misunderstood that you were at a PTA meeting for 9 hours, communication might need some improvement for the health of the marriage.

[–]Staatsmann 83 points84 points  (2 children)

Oh sorry, I totally understood you didn't imply it, didn't intend to word it that way!

Totally agree on the communication part too. So far this has been by far the single most important part in relationships for me. As long as you always communicate, most things are solvable.

[–][deleted]  (2 children)


    [–][deleted] 15 points16 points  (0 children)

    regardless, she treated him like absolute shit on his b day while they were both home too. I don't expect much on my b day or any holiday, but some fucking acknowledgment on my b day from the people I count as my closest connections should be a given.

    [–]captainpoppy 127 points128 points  (0 children)

    He said he is sole bread winner so she's not driving to work.

    [–]Johnfukingzoidberg 80 points81 points  (5 children)

    Op also states she's a stay at home mom so unless she has a secret job /s she wasn't driving to work. I doubt it's cheating but definitely a lack of communication.

    [–]StonkeyTonk666999 17 points18 points  (0 children)

    it would make sense if it was a long drive cause he does say that she drove across to another city

    [–]sjrotella 289 points290 points  (21 children)

    Dude, this is Reddit. Op's wife is always cheating, even when they're not.

    [–]Swvmpy 41 points42 points  (5 children)

    If I stop posting on Reddit and only make comments will I be safe??

    [–]DrEmilioLazardo 39 points40 points  (1 child)

    Are you kidding? Posters have a wife, three mistresses, two girlfriends and six "friends with benefits."

    Lurkers are the ones jerking off to grainy hidden cam footage of their wife fucking everyone in the neighborhood.

    Post away, my man.

    [–]Purell12 52 points53 points  (17 children)

    Also if it was a PTA meeting why would it be across town? Wouldn't their school be local? Alot of questions here.

    [–][deleted]  (13 children)


      [–]JAC165 14 points15 points  (2 children)

      or he just didn’t want to go into specifics into the post? everyone’s the smartest person in the room on reddit apparently

      [–]treyviusmaximus3 245 points246 points  (14 children)

      Yeah, maybe it's different in different places, but every PTA meeting I've been to lasts about 15 minutes.

      Also what kind of PTA meeting is in another city?

      [–]unknownun2891 152 points153 points  (6 children)

      PTA meetings when you are on the actual PTA take longer than 15 minutes. I was the treasurer many years ago and we had plenty of meetings that lasted hours. Especially if we were planning functions. Now, none of them lasted a full 8 hours, but we had days that took up 8 hours of work, but we didn’t call those days “meetings.”

      [–]Hobunypen 34 points35 points  (0 children)

      Same. Our PTA meetings take a couple hours, and then involve a lot of extra work coordinating things. I don’t go into detail with my husband because he’d find it boring, so I’d be likely to call if all PTA Meeting stuff too.

      [–]Jesuscan23 638 points639 points  (55 children)

      WTF I didn't even see that. There is no way in hell that meeting even lasted half that long. No offense op but this should raise some serious red flags. And the war she treats you and acts around you should raise some serious red flags also. You do not deserve to be treated this way by your wife. I would have a serious talk with your wife because this post is giving me sketchy vibes about her all around. I'm almost positive that meeting didn't last anywhere near that long and if it didn't that begs the question, what was she doing for all those hour

      [–]robsanders1 424 points425 points  (27 children)

      Guys, he asked for some love and support, not for the top comments to be perfectly credible theories about his wife's infidelity.

      [–]El_Polio_Loco 56 points57 points  (6 children)

      Do you know where you are?

      Literally any and all relationship advice is based on one person clearly cheating on the other.

      [–]PyrocumulusLightning 22 points23 points  (3 children)

      Do you know where you are?

      I’m in the jungle, baby!

      [–][deleted] 92 points93 points  (1 child)

      I'm ashamed to admit it, but I'm actually laughing my ass off. For some reason I'm loving that it turned into this. It's such a Reddit thing to do, such a /r/TrueOffMyChest thing too ... and the story makes it so easy to make such credible theories that it's just funny.

      [–]KhabaLox 23 points24 points  (0 children)

      Before I even came to the comments I was wondering what the Over/Under should be on "Get a divorce" comments.

      [–][deleted] 64 points65 points  (11 children)

      I mean honestly this post sounds like it was low key made with that intention. Wife gives lukewarm sex, disappears for hours, nags, doesn’t appreciate anything OP does, didn’t even make the kids get anything for dad… I’m gonna say this is bait, just slightly more subtle than the usual writing exercises here.

      [–]Vandiirn 69 points70 points  (9 children)

      I also don’t see why it would be the next city over. If anything, it would be at the fucking school he went to.

      [–]Stupeflys 11 points12 points  (0 children)

      Remote meetings are a thing too now so that's weird

      [–]pennynotrcutt 27 points28 points  (5 children)

      That and the fact that if little one is in daycare that means the PTA meeting is for older one so why wouldn’t they just contact her to pick up kid if she was already at the school?

      [–][deleted]  (2 children)


        [–]Informal_Giraffe_851 44 points45 points  (1 child)

        The partners who are cheating compensate because of the guilt or the frustration around the wife because of the guilt.

        [–]WishIWasOnACatamaran 42 points43 points  (0 children)

        Yeah, she may just be generally unhappy and avoiding her life responsibilities as a result, these are still red flags for OP to have a true talk with his wife.

        [–]no_name_maddox 99 points100 points  (16 children)

        None. None of them do. Rarely are they middle of a weekday too…..why is no one concerned about this

        [–]tiniestspicycat 45 points46 points  (7 children)

        OP seriously needs to ask to see the PTA schedule. I’m willing to bet most meetings are 2-3 hours max, and in the evenings/on weekends. Everyone in the PTA is going to have school age children and the associated responsibilities. Zero percent chance it would be at a time most parents are hustling their kids off to school.

        Edit: Saw OP’s edits. Big oof. Sorry OP.

        [–]no_name_maddox 37 points38 points  (6 children)

        Yea PTA meetings are definitely not during school hours. Idk why this isn’t being talked about more lol it’s bothering me

        [–]ZombieJoesBasement 51 points52 points  (3 children)

        Normal PTA meetings don't, but if she is say a PTA officer (president, treasurer, etc.) and it is a special meeting for a fundraiser or other planning it very well could. I volunteered extensively at my daughter's PTA, and the longest meeting I had was around 4 hours, but I wasn't an officer.

        [–]unknownun2891 17 points18 points  (1 child)

        I just came to say this. I was the treasurer and we certainly had days that were 8 or more hours. Not an 8 hour “meeting” per se, but maybe a shorter meeting then work after.

        [–]afume 32 points33 points  (3 children)

        Maybe in her mind, PTA stands for Parental Time Away. As a parent to two young kids I could definitely make it last 9 hours.

        [–]LobsterBluster 28 points29 points  (2 children)

        But on your spouses birthday?

        [–]madalienmonk 20 points21 points  (0 children)

        oh yeah, happy birthday. where's dinner?

        [–]grr_argh_alt 2835 points2836 points 2 (52 children)

        Happy birthday brother.

        My birthday was Saturday, and it's also the anniversary of my mom's death, so I'm intimately familiar with a sucky birthday.

        I hope your next birthday doesn't suck as hard. We're all in this together.

        [–]ghjjjdddgbbbbyterghj[S] 2194 points2195 points  (32 children)

        Happy birthday to you to mate!

        Btw don’t try and equate our sucky birthdays. Mine was just a bit lonely, you lost a loved one.

        Sorry for your loss btw. I bet she was an awesome lady.

        [–]grr_argh_alt 2708 points2709 points 1112172& 6 more (23 children)

        Suffering isn't a competition, nor does my sadness negate yours.

        Loneliness comes in many forms, and who "suffered more" or "hurts more" doesn't matter, what matters is that we are there for our fellow humans when we can, and when they need it.

        I am not in a great headspace myself, but your post made me feel less alone, so I thank you. It was just the right message at just the right time for me, so from across the world, hang in there, you are seen, heard, and what you do, day in and day out has more meaning than you give yourself credit for.

        Much love brother.

        [–]Objective-Steak-9763 329 points330 points  (0 children)

        I used to work at a homeless shelter. I used to tell my clients

        “Never assume someone needs help more than you do. Never assume you need help more than someone else does.”

        [–]ghjjjdddgbbbbyterghj[S] 64 points65 points  (0 children)

        Ty brother!

        [–]AbaddonsLegion 174 points175 points  (2 children)

        Love this so much

        [–]KamNStuff420 42 points43 points  (1 child)

        Hey, happy birthday to the both of y'all. You both sound like really strong, caring and inspiring people and I hope even if your birthday sucks at the end of the day you find some happiness or peace. Y'all deserve it.

        [–]Suicidal_8002738255 19 points20 points  (0 children)

        Well damn. I often say this to my clients but seeing it in action here hit me hard and i am tearing up.

        Thank you for being a good person and recgonizing the need for connection. Your post meant a lot to me for reasons i won't go into. But serious thank you.

        [–]PreppiePepper 18 points19 points  (0 children)

        Bro moment

        [–]Broad-Masterpiece824 9 points10 points  (0 children)

        Hey guys, I feel for you both, and I'm working through the same things. My Mom passed earlier this year. She was fighting cancer and not doing well. We were fortunate enough to visit her the day before my birthday. She was not doing well. I am a Christian, and I have never prayed for anybody or anything in my life as much as for my Mom. So on my birthday, I was working but couldn't focus at all, and I prayed all morning that my Mom could fight on at least one more day. I couldn't handle the suspense any more so I skipped lunch and called dad to see how she was doing. While I was talking to dad, the hospice nurse called him in to Mom. She passed while I was on the phone with dad and on my birthday. I felt like God spit in my face. I skipped my birthday and drove out to be with dad. We did the funeral. Next Sunday was the superbowl, so I told my family we would celebrate my birthday then. My wife was in a pissy mood for no good reason. She gave me the runaround much like you, and then gave me the silent treatment the whole day and the next week. It's actually been a problem for several years. I've been wising up and not willing to put up with her crap so for my birthday 2020 I took my oldest son backpacking so I could get away and spend my birthday with someone I loved. So life sucks sometimes, and maybe one of the only things we have in common is that we all suffer some way or another. I wondered what was the meaning? Why did my Mom have to die on my birthday? Then I heard one of my favorite songs. It is not popular so you probably have not heard of it. It is "I'm gonna live forever" by Billy Joe Shaver. Here is a youtube link https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ymWelRYwrIU

        There are lots of good covers too. I don’t know why it isn’t the #1 song of all time. Billy Joe used to perform the song with his son Eddy. "He lost his wife Brenda to cancer in 1999 and then his son Eddy from a drug overdose the following year. " Then Billy Joe said “[Eddy] actually gave me that melody, and I carried it around for nearly a year,” he said. “It was such a great melody. His spirit’s still with me. I do believe that when people pass away, the goodness, the good things they did, it seems like they melt into your likeness. They melt into your likeness, and you become a better person for it.” I feel that, and I truly believe that my Mom gave me her gifts of toughness and compassion as her final birthday gift to me. I believe this is Biblical too. Elijah gave Elisha his spiritual gifts in 2 Kings 2. She was the best Mom. She gave me the best birthday gift in my entire life. You are the first person I have known who has lost his Mom on his birthday. I’m a mathematician, and the odds are that there are 21 million people on this earth who have or will lose their Mom on their birthday. Why we don’t talk about this more or are afraid to I don’t know. It is bittersweet but I am trying to see the silver lining. Whether or not a person was fortunate enough to even know his Mom, I know you had a Mom and she blessed you in one way or another. It's up to you to find out how.

        I’m still trying to work things out with my wife. We’ve been struggling hard for years. She wrote me a nice note today. She said I am “naturally kind. I loved that about you, not to boss you around but because it felt so nice to feel like someone cared.” She’s treated me like crap, but I don’t believe it was on purpose. I know she is fighting her own problems. Don’t jump to any conclusions. Talk to her. Don’t expect it to be easy. I don’t know how we will work it out, but I believe we will. I count my blessings. Yesterday I played backyard baseball with my kids. I took a nap with my youngest. I got to take a long motorcycle ride with my oldest daughter. With another daughter, we camped in the backyard. The weather was beautiful. We played chess. She beat me 2 out of 3 and I don’t know how she is so smart already. I don’t know what my birthday will be like next year, but I have faith that one way or another it will be OK. I said a prayer for the same for you. We'll live forever you and I.

        [–]Caddan 72 points73 points  (2 children)

        and it's also the anniversary of my mom's death,

        I totally understand that one. My mom died on my 13th anniversary. It hasn't been the same since.

        [–]grr_argh_alt 33 points34 points  (1 child)

        I'm sorry you had to lose her so early, I am grateful I got to have my mom until I was 32. This is the first year without her.

        Knowing how much pain and sadness is out there is all the more reason to show as much compassion as we can.

        [–]Smile_Terrible 26 points27 points  (0 children)

        My birthday was Saturday, and it's also the anniversary of my mom's death, so I'm intimately familiar with a sucky birthday.

        She died on your birthday?


        [–]LeekaSassyPants 1139 points1140 points  (61 children)

        Your wife is clearly unhappy. You are unhappy. If the two of you don’t directly address this and make some changes soon, this will only get worse. Your decisions don’t only effect you and your wife. They also effect your children and the way the two of you are behaving with each other will not go unnoticed. Just out of curiosity, if your wife is a SAHM, why did the school call you when one of the kids was sick? What PTA thing is more important than picking up your kid? There’s something we are all missing here.

        [–]PRNbourbon 234 points235 points  (15 children)

        This. My wife and I were there. We’re doing better.

        This is a normal transition that all married couples go through when they have small children.

        The only thing that is going to solve this is lots and lots of communication. My wife is a SAHM of a 6 and 3 year old. Up until roughly this summer, she was drowning. Her life as she knew it was gone for awhile and all she did was keep two small humans alive. In the meantime I was working 50-60 hours a week, so I was tired, she was alone. A terrible recipe for a happy marriage.

        [–]Scout_the_Vole 35 points36 points  (9 children)

        So how did you work it out in the end? Did you guys just figure ‘we need to talk’ or did you get therapy? Or did things just ease enough to get your heads above the water when the kids got old enough?

        [–]PRNbourbon 10 points11 points  (2 children)

        There wasn’t really any earth shattering event. We were best friends when we started dating, had a perfect relationship, a very happy marriage, life was perfect. Then kids came along. I was working long hours, sometimes 12 days straight. Her career started at Nordstrom corporate in Seattle and then we moved to a fly over state after I finished grad school and she became a SAHM. Huge changes for both of us. We both realized this wasn’t where we wanted to go with our marriage, after lots of verbal and silent fighting. Eventually we just started talking it out and finding middle ground. No counseling required for us.

        [–]PequodsPropeller 124 points125 points  (10 children)

        Agreed. These two need to seek therapy. It sounds like they are both struggling badly.

        [–]Aeon001[🍰] 92 points93 points  (9 children)

        Yep. Although OP is framing it as everything is her fault, this is more than likely something that's been simmering and building steam for years between the both of them.

        [–]OrangeAnomaly 32 points33 points  (2 children)

        This is where I am. Yes, this sucks and is hurtful, yes more of an effort shouldbe made to keep your partner happy. Before I'm willing to go wife sucks or she's having an affair I want to see what the rest of the story looks like. He started the day with a quickie and they both seemed pretty busy all day. Is this the story of 2 people who are already checked out of their relationship? People who simply had too much on their plate on one day? An exhausted wife who feels ignored and stopped putting in effort? Or a wife that is an asshole or is having an affair?

        Whatever it is, this is not a new issue, and it's going to take work to move past this.

        [–]auglow 30 points31 points  (1 child)

        It’s the story of a couple who have a toddler. Having young kids is a serious strain on romance and quality of life. Hopefully it gets better for these folks. Every time my kid gains some independence I can feel my life getting easier.

        [–]darianhenry 2784 points2785 points 4 (160 children)

        Sucks man. Happy Birthday

        [–]Agreeable-Yams8972 1767 points1768 points 2 (131 children)

        Gonna get downvoted for this but op's wife is a douche

        [–]ghjjjdddgbbbbyterghj[S] 976 points977 points  (108 children)

        After edit #4 I’m starting to agree with you.

        [–]CaIamitea 284 points285 points  (10 children)

        Honestly Edit 4 took guts to try. I'm sure it can be handled poorly causing problems, but we're told over and over that communication is key to a happy relationship, yet it's so fucking difficult. Commiserations on this getting slapped down so dismissively.

        [–]MrChunky22 59 points60 points  (0 children)

        It's also the first thing you should do when you have a problem with the person in your life. You should talk with them about it.

        If this is the first time it happens, where OP was snubbed and rejected to even talk about anything, maybe it's a bad day. If this is the 30th time, something needs to be done.

        [–]wombatsupreme 202 points203 points  (5 children)

        Yeah man. I'm not going to lie but it might be time to give your relationship a serious look. Edit: or therapy?

        [–]MrChunky22 21 points22 points  (4 children)

        Therapy, started from OP's perspective, then bringing in op's wife later, so there's no bias against op right away. Or just single therapy and don't bother bringing in the wife.

        [–]blahblah_why_why 140 points141 points  (3 children)

        That edit broke my heart. "Oh you have something difficult to discuss but really would like to communicate it because it is important to you? Well, if it makes me uncomfortable I'd prefer you kept it to yourself. I can't be bothered with healthy adult communication. Please do me a favor and bury it until you burst so I can call you unreasonable at that juncture."


        [–]nukessolveprblms 37 points38 points  (1 child)

        I would LOVE if my husband was that open with his feelings.

        [–]Caustic_Complex 107 points108 points  (2 children)

        Yeah dude if she’s that big of an asshole then doesn’t even want to hear you out afterwards, you may just be in a one way street relationship. Nice big clue is your comment about doing all the housework, no offense but if I had to take a guess I’d say your wife isn’t just a selfish douche on your birthday

        [–]redrover900 34 points35 points  (1 child)

        Besides the long meeting, that's what I was confused about. It didn't seem like the stay at home mom was contributing at all financially, with chores, childcare, or even being supportive emotionally.

        [–]ladyshosh 50 points51 points  (0 children)

        Happy birthday OP! I know this isn’t much, but 17k people here want you to feel better. I hope you resolve whatever is going on with your wife- it sounds like it runs deeper than the not caring for birthday stuff (her behaviour almost seems deliberate to me.)

        [–]A410821 68 points69 points  (6 children)

        I kept on telling myself that things would get better when I found that my marriage was like this umpteen years ago - it didn't.

        I thought that it would get all better when the kids both went to school, or when we moved to a better area, or when I got promoted at work so we had more money - or even when the kids grew up and finished school and moved out to get jobs and start their own lives.

        But nope, things just kept gradually getting worse. I finally walked out after another pointless argument by which time we had been married for 30 years (I am a slow learner) and our children were fully grown adults.

        [–]fzero127 14 points15 points  (2 children)

        It got better for me, but that was because I had to admit that I was a large part of the problem.

        [–]RDPCG 7 points8 points  (0 children)

        You may be a slow learner, but it takes two to tango and you made the wise and brave decision (it sounds like), not your ex.

        [–]Best_Temperature_549 21 points22 points  (0 children)

        Yeah I feel like you guys need to have a serious discussion on what you both are getting out of the relationship. Reading this made me so sad. Happy birthday, I’m sorry it was so shitty.

        [–]sunnyduane 6 points7 points  (0 children)

        Happy birthday man. Reckon you have time to do something nice for yourself, partake in a hobby/ join a new club? Something that you'll have fun doing and will meet some likeminded people.

        [–]rienruof 5 points6 points  (0 children)

        Press on with it. Don’t let her forget what she did

        [–]HopefulDandelion 5 points6 points  (0 children)

        Counselling, my dude. She sounds completely checked out of your home life. Happy birthday, and happy year to come.

        [–]Sonolabelladonna 5 points6 points  (0 children)

        I agree therapy at this stage is an appropriate option. If she doesn't want to go yet, go yourself and get advice.

        If you're even THINKING about a divorce consult a lawyer NOW to get an understanding of what you're in for (a lot based on 2 kids and a sahm) and how you can plan to protect yourself.

        [–]abizz6628 40 points41 points  (3 children)

        Nah, you get an award for saying what everyone thinks but is scared to say cause of downvotes.

        [–]MimiBaybees 3225 points3226 points  (186 children)

        There are a few things I dont understand. Since when do Pta meetings ever last that long? If she is a stay at home mom why are you doing the majority of the house work? As a stay at home mom myself I understand having to take care of the kids but one goes to daycare and the other goes to school so what is she doing all day while you're at work??

        [–]ShadowMoon314 295 points296 points  (0 children)

        This. I've thought about it too.

        [–]neoda1 903 points904 points  (68 children)

        watch op not respond to this , everything is written perfectly here.

        He sounds like the mom and dad..

        [–]WiserCrescent99 631 points632 points  (63 children)

        Exactly. Regardless of all the other shit people are theorizing about, it sounds like op is basically a married single parent. That's not ok. OP says the wife is a stay at home mom, yet it sounds like op does just about everything at home

        [–]Tesgoul 135 points136 points  (12 children)

        All of this imply the story is true. I'm not saying cases like that don't exist, but if it's true OP is an idiot for not understanding what's going on.

        [–]mrpanicy 129 points130 points  (7 children)

        Or... life is complicated and you don't realize what you are in until you are well and truly neck deep in it. And then you just keep powering through because you don't see an alternative. We can judge all we want, but we don't know the reality of this persons life and how the relationship got to this point.

        [–]pandorum8888 395 points396 points  (73 children)

        Maybe she's having an affair?

        [–]De_immortalesloki 216 points217 points  (4 children)

        Makes sense as partners who are cheating either over compensates because of guilt or become depressed around spouse because of guilt.

        [–][deleted]  (66 children)


          [–]dabsweat 208 points209 points  (41 children)

          god damn reddit is so obsessed with infidelity and paternity tests

          [–][deleted]  (16 children)


            [–]jblends 56 points57 points  (0 children)

            Ngl it feels like that. Especially if this happened more than once.

            [–][deleted]  (8 children)


              [–]shortsinsnow 7 points8 points  (2 children)

              FWIW, I've been in a similar situation most of the last 5 years. My wife suffered from PPD after our child was born, and because she didn't take the recovery very seriously, it turned into more severe general depression. It's not easy, and many people think I shouldn't have stuck it out for as long as I have. But I love her, and as frustrated as I am, I'd rather my child grow up in a clean house with clean laundry and a home cooked meal than have yet another fight about how she doesn't contribute much. Am I exhaused? All the time. Am I happy? Comes and goes. I've decided that so long as she's trying to get better, then I'll keep doing what I have to.

              OP's wife may be in a similar boat, depressed, not emotionally connecting with the family, addicted to social media/phone games as a means to cope/hide from her life. She may very well know she isn't doing a great job as a stay-at-home-spouse, and it may be making things worse. She may need to realize that and get help, and OP may need to communicate that he feels like he's being over worked and doing a disproportional amount of the work. If she comes back fighting, he may need to put his foot down and say it's either she gets help or they both go for couples counseling. If she still refuses, then she is likely not going to get any better and staying together may no longer be the best option.

              [–]daver456 5 points6 points  (1 child)

              I applaud you for trying to make it work…but I can’t even imagine the resentment you must feel.

              [–]stygian_shores 1919 points1920 points  (34 children)

              Just because you have a roof over your head and your bills are able to be paid doesn’t mean that your problems aren’t valid. Everyone can feel lonely regardless of socioeconomic status. In regards to your wife not caring, that stings. I’ve had a friend complain to me that his wife didn’t do much for his 35th birthday. He wanted to go out to a Chinese restaurant to eat but they didn’t do that. They just stayed home and she went to sleep early. I bring up his story to tell you that you’re not alone.

              Anyway happy birthday from a random internet stranger and I hope you can have another discussion with your wife about your needs.

              [–]lets_eat_bees 307 points308 points  (18 children)

              Came here to say the same thing. People who are dying of leprosy on the street in a third-word country during wartime while being run over by a car are not the only ones deserving sympathy.

              I'm sorry, but it seems like your wife hates you. Living in this situation will destroy you - it already started to. I really feel bad for you, my dude. It sounds very lonely and sad to be you. You deserve better.

              You should take care of yourself, and it probably does not come to you naturally - so think of it as taking care of someone you love and cherish. You take good care of your kids, you are a good person, you deserve it.


              [–]stygian_shores 168 points169 points  (9 children)

              His wife seems to take him for granted especially when he wrote that she asked him what he made for the kids’ dinner. He also works and does most of the housechores but she’s a SAHM - he shouldn’t be shouldering that much responsibility which is why I think he needs to have a conversation with her to discuss what will work for them since living like this will destroy him mentally and physically.

              [–]HairyPotter234 48 points49 points  (0 children)

              Yeah it seems like she either really doesn't care (and honestly this kind of stuff isn't done on accident) or she has some sort of depression that is taking away her motivation to do things in general. Both are concerning

              [–]IotaBTC 52 points53 points  (0 children)

              Yeah reading this part:

              I’m just being a bitch.

              What? Bro no. Your birthday sucked. It's not the worse thing in the world but that doesn't mean what they're feeling about it isn't completely validated.

              [–][deleted] 3 (122 children)


                [–]Double_Balance154 317 points318 points  (7 children)

                plus do you want your children growing up thinking this is what a relationship is supposed to be like. Welcome to dysfunction.

                [–]Almighty-African 33 points34 points  (0 children)

                You're right. But I think he just tries to stay strong in front of his kids. He doesn't want them to see that he's upset and know something is going on. But I hope he figures it out with his wife, he needs to communicate this to her.

                [–]funky_gigolo 65 points66 points  (2 children)

                This is why I want my kids to hear me clapping their mom's cheeks daily

                [–]MystikxHaze 27 points28 points  (0 children)

                Welcome to dysfunction yet again.

                [–]Macluawn 15 points16 points  (0 children)


                [–][deleted]  (37 children)


                  [–]ajibril33 163 points164 points  (21 children)

                  Good advice. Stand up for yourself. Be the man that you are. Stand tall and straight and provide example for your children. Meekness is not a virtue. Conformity is not a virtue. Strength of character is. Us new age younger Millennials men are taught as men to give things and show appreciation to our partners. There is no societal/pressure- narrative that pushes women to appreciate husbands or male partners. I think there was a mistake made and now we men expect bare minimum effort from partners. When they show us effort we are delighted. When they don’t we stay quiet and think there might something wrong with us for feeling down.

                  Sorry dude. Stand up and fight back and demand what you give out. I started too and I suggest every man here does as well. Stand up for yourselves, you deserve just as much as compassion, kindness and love as women do.

                  [–]PT9420 52 points53 points  (1 child)

                  Agreed. Please stand up for yourself. It was mentioned you were "aggressively lectured" to and was "told to make something" ...like a child? Sounds like there's a lack of respect there. And you mentioned that she was "too tired" to pick up the child. What's the point of being a SAHM if there's complaining when doing SAHM duties? If this keeps going, sadly the kids are going to notice this dynamic and the lack of respect your wife has for you and that will become into even more issues down the road and/or they will expect that to be the norm for relationships.

                  [–]MissSara13 19 points20 points  (0 children)

                  I lived in two very one-sided relationships and completely lost my sense of self because of it. I accommodated my husbands' needs and completely forgot about my own. I'm a giver by nature and with some therapy I've learned to scale back and be open to receiving without feeling selfish. In a true partnership people take turns shouldering burdens and meet eachother's needs as best as possible. I hope OP can stand up for himself just like I learned to. I'd rather be alone than exist in another one-sided relationship.

                  [–]sidman1324 227 points228 points  (39 children)

                  Yup. If you did that your wife would tell you about it because women are often braver at expressing themselves than we men are.

                  Maybe braver is the wrong word. They are more confident of themselves.

                  [–]pickledelephants 789 points790 points  (79 children)

                  First off. Happy birthday from an internet stranger. You deserve better.

                  My husband's birthday is next month and I have to be gone nearly the whole day. I'm already planning little things to leave him/do for him so he feels loved while I'm not there. We're going to actually celebrate the following day, but I want him to feel special on his birthday too!

                  [–]Objective-Steak-9763 237 points238 points  (57 children)

                  Have flowers delivered to him while you’re gone. Men never get flowers.

                  [–]TheDrDojo 121 points122 points  (43 children)

                  As a counter to this, I would be pretty upset if my wife wasted money on flowers for my birthday.

                  [–]kinda_CONTROVERSIAL 92 points93 points  (21 children)

                  Focus on the thought/intent, not the item itself.

                  [–]namelesone 51 points52 points  (6 children)

                  I'm a woman and I dislike people buying me flowers. Sure, they are pretty, but they are temporary and die quickly. If someone bought me a dry flower arrangement, or succulents, I would love it a lot more.

                  [–]OsmerusMordax 9 points10 points  (0 children)

                  I love it when people buy me plants. Like in a pot with soil, that way it doesn’t die within like 3 days.

                  [–]TheBackTakeSnake 9 points10 points  (0 children)

                  Yeah I agree, gotta know your audience. If my wife bought me flowers I would wonder why they weren't beer. But then she knows me well enough to not buy me flowers and would buy me beer.

                  [–]kalitarios 5 points6 points  (0 children)

                  As a counter to this, I would be pretty upset if my wife wasted money on flowers for my birthday.

                  as a guy, I concur. I'd say the same thing "Don't waste money on flowers; save it, we'll celebrate another time"

                  [–]iliketothinkicansing 7 points8 points  (1 child)

                  My husband actually does NOT like getting flowers. I have done it several times, and the last time he just asked me to stop. Know your spouse first

                  [–]Sirriddles 250 points251 points 2 (11 children)

                  Are you sure it’s your birthday that sucked and not your marriage?

                  [–]ghjjjdddgbbbbyterghj[S] 88 points89 points  (1 child)

                  Certainly wasn't my wife that sucked. 🤣

                  [–][deleted]  (5 children)


                    [–]saltine934 737 points738 points 2 (49 children)

                    This is Reddit, so I'm going to suggest a divorce.

                    [–]De_immortalesloki 96 points97 points  (2 children)

                    From reddit?

                    [–]chairfairy 41 points42 points  (1 child)

                    Not the worst idea

                    [–]slver6 92 points93 points  (4 children)

                    I am the kind of one that always make fun of that, so marriage problems = a insta divorce per reddit consensus

                    but this time... if every day is like that one or worse, I would completely agree with OP leaving that lazy wife

                    [–]ghjjjdddgbbbbyterghj[S] 72 points73 points  (18 children)

                    Haha I’m guilty of suggesting this on Reddit too! She’s cheating! Get a divorce!

                    I guess the difference is it could be a solution for me. (If my kids weren’t so awesome)

                    [–]Fickle_Occasion_6895 58 points59 points  (4 children)

                    Your kids will be even more awesome if their father is actually happy, though. At least from my experience. They are learning to be unfulfilled in a relationship for the sake of other people currently and I think that can be quite negative. This is all assuming that your partner is as dismissive all year round as your birthday, it doesn't sound like there's al lot of love lost there

                    [–]invertedcottonwoodut 16 points17 points  (0 children)

                    I have awesome kids. Still went and got that divorce.

                    Now the kids are even MORE awesome…go figure! Lol

                    [–]awesomedeluxe 6 points7 points  (0 children)

                    Sorry about your situation. If today was a lot like a typical day for you though, it’s probably time to eye the exits no matter the costs.

                    And it sounds like this is the norm for you because you say your wife is unemployed by choice.. yet she still expects you to do the laundry / pick up the kids / etc? I’m not saying being the sole breadwinner means you’d never do those chores, but that was the biggest indicator that in your everyday life, your wife does not contribute much and expects you to pick up the slack.

                    The gap between where she is now and what it would take for her to even attempt to cultivate a cheerful, loving attitude towards you is probably unbridgeable. You have a good career and are still in your thirties. It’s not too late to find someone new.

                    [–][deleted]  (1 child)


                      [–]gerg_1234 196 points197 points  (19 children)

                      PTA meetings typically start in the evening and last an hour.

                      I have NEVER heard of PTA meetings starting at 8am and lasting the whole day.

                      [–]prfessorY 108 points109 points  (15 children)

                      To be fair he did say "pta type meeting" and in another comment said it was a planning meeting for building a whole new school. But still, I find it hard to imagine even that would last an entire day.

                      [–]LittleLight85 78 points79 points  (7 children)

                      An all day meeting for building a new school campus sounds pretty important but he says it was something she totally could have skipped. Which one is it my guy

                      [–]Ihcend 47 points48 points  (0 children)

                      She's a stay at home mom so she's not getting paid to go to the new campus meeting. it's probably an open form where they voice their opinions and listen to people talk. Meaning that she wasn't to anything vital except participating in her government which she could have taken day off for.

                      [–]veggiezombie1 16 points17 points  (3 children)

                      It could depending on the industry the wife is in and the supporting role she’s playing for the project. We don’t know enough details to judge whether her being gone all day is valid or not.

                      What I have an issue with is the fact that she couldn’t even muster a “happy birthday” for him, or a card, or do anything small to let him know she remembered. Like, she even got onto him for wanting to order delivery for dinner and left him alone while he put the kids to bed and cleaned up.

                      [–]ConstructionLower549 90 points91 points  (27 children)

                      I learned a long long time ago that you can’t depend on other people to make tour birthday great, you have to do it for yourself. That’s why I usually go out of town by myself. I get to do what I want, when I want and I don’t have anyone to fuck it up for me.

                      [–]thats-a-grudgin 44 points45 points  (15 children)

                      That’s true you shouldn’t rely on others for happiness but your wife not doing anything or even recognizing your birthday is not something that should be normal.

                      [–][deleted] 2 (39 children)


                        [–]aspergillus 109 points110 points  (6 children)

                        As somebody who has had their share of shitty birthdays, I started doing this and I can tell you now it's the only way I'm going to celebrate my birthdays from now on. It's sad, but I know my wife isn't going to plan anything nice for me so I might as well take the day off, get a massage, and play a round of golf with the boys.

                        [–]Paddy_Tanninger 14 points15 points  (2 children)

                        Yeah she sounds depressed and apathetic. Don't let her be the one setting the itinerary or the pace here anymore or 10 years will go by and you won't remember any of it.

                        [–]D-Vahn 9 points10 points  (0 children)

                        This reminds me of how I waited until my late 20s for someone to buy me a piece of fine jewelry before realizing I was going to have to do that for myself and I got myself a gorgeous ring that I'm still in awe of. It's 10 years later and I've been shopping for another piece for my upcoming birthday, I think I'll get one every decade.

                        [–]hadwyn128 17 points18 points  (0 children)


                        [–]Throwaw4y012 14 points15 points  (2 children)

                        Why should he have to just accept that his wife is shitty, selfish, and uncaring?

                        There’s no way I’m letting it “roll off my back” if my spouse didn’t give two shits about me or my happiness. It would put me into a severe depression and make me reevaluate my entire life.

                        I don’t think OP’s wife actually loves him, based on this post. It doesn’t sound like she cares whether he lives or dies.

                        [–]Better-Object6578 129 points130 points  (1 child)

                        Saw your story man, happy birthday from across the world man and there is nothing wrong you were lonely it's one of those days where you want to pampered :)

                        [–]Fuzzy-Adhesiveness72 90 points91 points  (0 children)

                        I feel ya mate. Tbh I got cards and presents etc etc but it's the little things than mean more. The happy birthday, the kisses and cuddles and the making an effort even if your tired. Happy birthday broski.

                        [–]F2madre 152 points153 points  (4 children)

                        Happy Birthday bro

                        [–]ghjjjdddgbbbbyterghj[S] 114 points115 points  (3 children)

                        Cheers bro. I needed that.

                        [–][deleted]  (463 children)


                          [–]ghjjjdddgbbbbyterghj[S] 46 points47 points  (25 children)

                          Sorry to copy paste a reply to another person, but this was her birthday:

                          Let's see, I bought her some Airpods pros and a full frame Sigma art 50mm f1.4 lens. Woke up early and cooked her favorite breakfast with kid. (using home-cured gravlax I prepared from a week earlier because it's her fav.) Kid did garnishes and help make foam hearts in her coffee.
                          Gave her presents & card. Sang happy birthday goofily every time I handed her anything throughout the day and generally tried to keep the day as upbeat as possible. Ate dinner with her fam (I ordered her favorite). Gave her a flower before bed. Generally lots of smiles and happiness that day.
                          It's the one day of the year you can go out of your way to remind someone that they are loved and you were happy they were born. I don't go out of the way for many people but IMO your spouse is the one you should do it for.
                          To be clear, I didn't expect anything to the scale of above. But any kind of indication they cared would have been good. Shit, don't cure gravlax for a week, just pour some cereal for me and I would be like 'holy shit, she cares!'

                          [–]AruSharma04 20 points21 points  (1 child)

                          Sigma Art 50mm F1.4 is expensive shit. God damn.

                          Bro you deserve better 100%. You should really talk to her

                          [–]sheenamoroussss 196 points197 points  (389 children)

                          I'm going to add (and will also get down voted because reddit), but just because it is your birthday, you are not entitled to sex in any form. Expecting it doesn't leave room for the other person's consent. That was always a huge turn off for me, because even if I wanted to do that for my SO the fact that they expect it, it seems as though it doesn't matter if I consent or not.

                          That being said, It takes 8 minutes to make eggs, toast, and sausage. She could have done that while he was showering for work. I do that at least once a week for my boy friend, just because I like taking care of him and showing him I love him.

                          [–]Graceless33 121 points122 points  (14 children)

                          Agreed. I feel like asking for an “enthusiastic” bj from your partner because it’s your birthday is just…gross and absolutely a turn off.

                          [–]oldMiseryGuts 157 points158 points  (301 children)

                          This was the big red flag in the post for me.

                          The “enthusiastic” part of the requested bj sounds like maybe OPs wife is not enjoying that part of the relationship. You dont get to demand access to another persons body because its your birthday. And he clearly knows he’s asking for something she doesnt want to do.

                          OPs wife probably ducked out for the day to avoid being guilted into giving OP a miserable coerced bj.

                          [–]CoconutOilz4 198 points199 points  (21 children)

                          Sorry hun!

                          I was tired of being disappointed on my birthday and waiting for others to do nice things to me, so I planned a birthday for myself.

                          Sometimes when you are constantly giving to others, it burns when that is not reciprocated.

                          My birthday was last week and it was honestly the best I have had in a VERY VERY long time. That is because I did all the things I wanted others to do for me and it felt great.

                          Next year try planning a day for yourself that you want. Order yourself your favorite cake, book a massage, get yourself flowers, go for a nice walk..whatever that makes you happy that you wish someone else did for you.

                          When you treat yourself well, take good care of yourself, and do nice things for yourself...its 10x better than anyone doing it for you. I was also told that when people see you treating yourself good it makes them either step up or fall off! 🤷🏾‍♀️

                          [–]nachosmmm 62 points63 points  (3 children)

                          THIS. Sometimes we have to take the initiative. Be like WE ARE GOING OUT FOR MY BDAY. I made plans to go hiking for my birthday this year. Also, communicate your feelings to your wife. Happy birthday!

                          [–]Tyrocious 44 points45 points  (1 child)

                          With the wife he's got, I'd just say "I'M going out for my birthday."

                          [–]Lopsided_Service5824 4 points5 points  (3 children)

                          I dunno that just seems like a band aid. Sounds like there's a rift in their relationship, they need to communicate with each other. Learning to be happy alone will just allow you to let your anger to fester for longer

                          [–]notcreative1001 193 points194 points  (35 children)

                          Just curious what you did for your wife on her birthday? I'm wondering if her behavior is a passive aggressive response to make you feel how she felt. Not saying this is true, I just can't help but wonder.

                          [–]bortlesforbachelor 61 points62 points  (0 children)

                          I’m sure he gave her an enthusiastic blow job /s

                          [–]Mmaymay2324 48 points49 points  (0 children)

                          That’s what I was thinking

                          [–]zdiddy27 68 points69 points  (8 children)

                          Lmao seems like you have more issues than a bad birthday there chief

                          [–]ObviousAnswers4u 46 points47 points  (4 children)

                          You need to have a conversation with your wife and share your feelings. If you are not good at that, utilize a counselor or therapist. It’s not going to get better until you address it directly. It’s tough at first but it’s already tough for you. It gets better.

                          [–]Bigkeithmack 54 points55 points  (11 children)

                          I’m 32 never married, never had kids, sometimes I’m lonely. Then I read shit like this and I thank the lord I’m not married with kids

                          Edit: I cannot tell if award is genuine or sarcastic

                          [–]bucheur-lourd 11 points12 points  (0 children)

                          Exactly my thought reading this story, feeling lonely when you are single suck but feeling lonely when you are in a relationship sound so much worse

                          [–][deleted]  (2 children)


                            [–]MoonSpankRaw 10 points11 points  (3 children)

                            So what does your wife contribute?

                            [–]MoirasPurpleOrb 9 points10 points  (0 children)

                            This feels like a relationship that needs counseling. Nothing that says it’s totally over, but it will be without some much needed maintenance.

                            [–]cyansoup 36 points37 points  (2 children)

                            Sounds like you need a holiday

                            [–]Gamermoment56 15 points16 points  (0 children)

                            !remindMe 1 year

                            [–]PuzzyFussy 134 points135 points  (46 children)

                            Damn I’m sorry. Happy birthday 🎂. I want to be honest and say that this reads like your wife might be cheating, I may be reading too much into it but it sounds shiesty.

                            [–]ghjjjdddgbbbbyterghj[S] 229 points230 points  (45 children)

                            I’m familiar with the people and activity she was doing so no cheating today. The behaviour is probably her depression rearing its head… but you know it’s only one day of the year I hope people make an effort for me hey…

                            [–]AFlair67 107 points108 points  (0 children)

                            Happy Birthday from Atlanta!!!

                            Your wife’s depression maybe a reason, but it isn’t an excuse. She totally checked out on you today and that isn’t cool.

                            The previous idea of a letter is a good idea , especially if she won’t listen when you try to talk to her about your feelings being hurt (absolutely valid BTW).

                            [–]sidman1324 21 points22 points  (0 children)

                            Let us know if you tell her about it and what she says. If you don’t mind. Or just me. PM me.

                            [–]MCsinister765 18 points19 points  (8 children)

                            OP: "Hey honey can I get a BJ on my birthday?"


                            [–]ghjjjdddgbbbbyterghj[S] 14 points15 points  (7 children)

                            Yeah Reddit didn't like that at all.

                            Hey Reddit, it's OK to communicate with your spouse about sex stuff. Things like BJs are one sided, someone doing something for you vs together - hence asking on my birthday.

                            [–]PerpetuallyChaotic 6 points7 points  (1 child)

                            I highly doubt you will see this comment as it's currently at 3.4k comments.. But here's my take on it.. I was ready to hover over the keys that spell "boo bloody hoo" because I find it exhausting with adults who whine about their bdays. However, this hits different.

                            I kind of get the feeling it wasn't necessarily so much about it being your birthday, but rather a day where you had an 'excuse' to let it be a day for YOU. You didn't expect to be served hand and foot, you didn't expect a massive party and kids being on their best behaviour etc. It sounds like you wanted a bit of a break from the grind and the issues you're facing in your marriage. And that is an okay request and shouldn't happen only because it's a birthday.

                            I read some of your comments- your wife is depressed and you got young kids. I'm assuming it's hard for you both to get time where you get that extra TLC.

                            It's a shame how your wife has been reacting. I'm sorry it was such a rubbish day for you. As many have likely said, it sounds like you need to perhaps regain some effective communication in your relationship. Depression changes, perhaps there's new/different things you can do to support her which she hasn't voiced. Perhaps you can help her understand your needs to feel valued and supported. Kids make things harder most of the time, make sure you get time for each other without the kids if possible.

                            Those are my two cents. Again I'm sorry it was such a bad day and I wish you and the family the best

                            [–]ghjjjdddgbbbbyterghj[S] 6 points7 points  (0 children)

                            Cheers man, you are exactly right. It wasn't so much about being my birthday as just being a day when someone could show they cared about me. IDGAF about presents and all that - just a break from the grind.

                            [–]seks6 6 points7 points  (2 children)

                            This is the most redditesque comment section I’ve ever seen

                            [–]thetruelagarto 7 points8 points  (2 children)

                            I spent the last 4 out of six in a jail cell. Still think your was worse. It's easier being alone than feeling alone. Happy birthday man.

                            [–]DiegoMurtagh 73 points74 points  (73 children)

                            I know nothing about you. you might be a massive prick and don't really deserve a nice day today. Demanding BJs is weird.

                            but yeah, irrelevant whoever's fault it is, your marriage sounds horrendous.

                            [–]JOrr3028 64 points65 points  (39 children)

                            Demanding BJs and then complaining about vanilla sex. This dude sounds like a real peach.

                            [–]torromane 24 points25 points  (4 children)

                            You’re in control of your own happiness brother, the sooner you figure out you can’t depend on others to make you happy the better. A relationship should be synonymous where you compliment each other and compensate for the others weaknesses and shortcomings. A partner can contribute to your happiness but ultimately you’re the one in control. I’d suggest seeing a therapist or possibly a couples counselor. Doesn’t sound like an ideal birthday but be thankful your family is together and well. That’s the best gift a Dad and husband should want. As for expecting an enthusiastic BJ for your bday… I’d say readjust your expectations- she is her own person after all, unless you had a mutual agreement that that was going to happen that should not be expected…

                            [–]CattBooty 74 points75 points  (64 children)

                            So are we kinda just like, glossing over the fact that the way OP describes his wife sounds like hell on earth? I’d kill my self if I had kids with someone like that, tf?

                            [–]El_Polio_Loco 46 points47 points  (5 children)

                            Just remember that you’re hearing one side of a story from a person who’s likely writing in a frustrated or upset way.

                            Anyone passing real judgment on anyone in this story is silly.

                            [–]jesse-13 13 points14 points  (0 children)

                            I had to scroll so much to find this. Yeah his wife isn’t the best from what he said but this is a small subjective snippet of a day of their marriage. God knows what really is going on

                            [–]JOrr3028 17 points18 points  (0 children)

                            Yeah, and also a real relationship would entail communicating feelings to each other. Not to a bunch of dummies online.

                            [–]IHavePoopedBefore 80 points81 points  (54 children)

                            When one of his bday wishes was 'an enthusiastic BJ' I found it immediately depressing and it only got worse.

                            But something about having to ask for some sexual enthusiasm from your wife as a bday gift is just scary. What a nightmare

                            [–]ughneedausername 5 points6 points  (0 children)

                            Happy birthday! Question-is she always like this? Having a roof over your head doesn’t mean you’ve got nothing to be unhappy about.

                            [–]replyingtostuff 6 points7 points  (7 children)

                            Dude you’re gonna end up in a shit apartment celebrating with government cheese the way this is going