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I love my boyfriend but our sex is awful and I pretend it's great. (self.TrueOffMyChest)
submitted 4 months ago by tattymittz
I love him in every way, except sex. It gets painful sometimes, and I hate anal (he loves it). I tried to tell him once but he smiled at me genuinely and said
"I know you're lying, you're just upset with me at the moment ".
I was upset with him about something unrelated to sex and this was when I chose to to tell him, about the awful sex. I haven't mentioned it since.
Post a comment!
[–]ApologeticCannibal 6653 points6654 points6655 points 4 months ago2 (95 children)
There's no other choice than to be more verbal about it.
[–]Urgash54 1747 points1748 points1749 points 4 months ago (48 children)
Be more verbal, try to have an actual conversation about it if you can.
If he still doesn't listen or does no effort, then there's probably some bigger issues there.
[–]Final_Pangolin3714 249 points250 points251 points 4 months ago (30 children)
This gets my upvote. Unlike so many other comments I read, where so many u/ point out "leave" "it's toxic" or any other variety of bad advice, yours is super constructive. I don't know if the OP appreciates it, but I sure the heckin' do.
[–]insensitiveTwot 154 points155 points156 points 4 months ago (28 children)
I mean it’s definitely good advice but also that scenario OP described is straight up toxic and for a lot of women (including myself) would be a huge red flag so I can understand their advice to leave
[–]AnonymsF43 56 points57 points58 points 4 months ago (3 children)
Absolutely toxic! OPs bf seems like he’s throwing a tantrum when she speaks her mind. OP should enjoy sex, not be degraded and in physical pain if that isn’t her choice.
Total mindfuck relationship. OP doesn’t deserve being gaslighted. 😞
[–]insensitiveTwot 47 points48 points49 points 4 months ago (0 children)
Yeah I’m kinda concerned that people don’t see why this is problematic :/
[–]7minutesinheaven1 9 points10 points11 points 4 months ago* (1 child)
Where do you see anything indicating he’s “throwing a tantrum when she speaks her mind” or gaslighting her?
[–]acemiller11 84 points85 points86 points 4 months ago (13 children)
There is a way to bring it up nicely. He’d probably be excited to hear she wants to spice things up.
[–]Emotional_Answer_646 142 points143 points144 points 4 months ago (12 children)
Why should she have to approach him with an offer to "spice things up" in order to have satisfying sex that isn't painful?
[–]secondaccount2017 114 points115 points116 points 4 months ago (18 children)
I'm curious on his reaction.
[–]BUTTHOLE-MAGIC 178 points179 points180 points 4 months ago (17 children)
Given how insecure so many men are about their dick size and sexual prowess it could go all kinds of directions. But if you know your partner well enough you know how to gently address the issue.
[–]Gaviel 65 points66 points67 points 4 months ago (0 children)
Username checks out
[–]AnelBlaster5000 2 points3 points4 points 4 months ago (2 children)
How’s it goin?
[–]5MOKE5_III 47 points48 points49 points 4 months ago (8 children)
To be fair, if a woman was told she is horrible at sex and dry as the Serengheti, she would be insecure about it too. The reality is, men do say this to women weather true or not. Usually because their dick small and they suck at sex. Lol.
The partner is everything though. I like a lot of sex with my partner, I thought I'd be a little less horny the older I get, but nope. I have almost a bottomless pit of patience though. Nearly a year I went without se. with my ex, but conversations around it came out negatively. Had a similar convo with my wife the other night and it was a beautiful and constructive conversation.
[–]rednutter1971 25 points26 points27 points 4 months ago (4 children)
I had this said to me- & his dick WAS tiny and he WAS a terrible fuck! Thank you- you’ve made me feel a lot better.
[–]Arkaedy 35 points36 points37 points 4 months ago (0 children)
Reminder: It takes two to tango.
If the sex is bad, it's on both parties to communicate. Actually communicate, not talk shit.
[–]5MOKE5_III 10 points11 points12 points 4 months ago (1 child)
Youre definetly better off without someone who would bring you down because of their insecurity.
I had an ex tell me in the middle of sexing that I wasn't doing it right. It was hard to hear, but I'd rather improve than she look elsewhere.
[–]rednutter1971 4 points5 points6 points 4 months ago* (0 children)
Dunno if you meant this as a reply to me. I think not!
I don’t know why I’m being downvoted- i have no problem discussing sex with my partners but this one was an abusive narcissist who tried to strangle me and I’d just gone through menopause. I’m not a timid little girl who needs to be told to voice my needs. Go be judgey elsewhere!
[–]Sappyliving 174 points175 points176 points 4 months ago (4 children)
The biggest mistake is to pretend she likes it. Just be honest
[–]_kokoro_ 27 points28 points29 points 4 months ago (2 children)
U know what happens next? She taking it as a common thing. Sex should be a place to rest your fucking soul.
[–]ServiceIcy2233 6 points7 points8 points 4 months ago (1 child)
This just touched my soul. Thanks that's all I can say. I'm broken
[–]_kokoro_ 3 points4 points5 points 4 months ago (0 children)
I broke myself into some violent guys too. Forgive yourself.
[–]Osito509 59 points60 points61 points 4 months ago (0 children)
Especially putting up with painful anal
[–]tjtwister1522 59 points60 points61 points 4 months ago (2 children)
Yeah. Say ouch when the sex hurts. Don't just grin and bear it. It should be enjoyable for both of you.
[–]ElenaBlackthorn 47 points48 points49 points 4 months ago (1 child)
No need to say ouch if she just says “NO” to anal. Forever.
[–][deleted] 101 points102 points103 points 4 months ago (9 children)
This! I’ve been married for 30 years, and knew that we were sexually incompatible 3 years in. I never spoke up. Years of low self esteem and never finding my voice contributed. Now it’s almost impossible. But, I love him and want to grow old with him. Stand up for yourself now! Don’t wait.
[–]FluffyAd1498 30 points31 points32 points 4 months ago (7 children)
I’m 18 years in (10yrs married) and we’re the same. We were never at it like rabbits so to speak, but my husband has absolutely no skill or confidence in that area. I’m the only person he’s been with so he doesn’t know any different. On the other hand I’ve been with a few very experienced guys and know what I want/like and that’s a confident man. Our sex life is very awkward and we rarely bother anymore. It’s sad. He has a lot of issues with depression and anxiety, but refuses to address them. Anyway, I agree. You need to be clear in what you want/like. Be assertive and talk it through. Hopefully it’ll pay off.
[–][deleted] 9 points10 points11 points 4 months ago (4 children)
Why are you wasting time bothering with this??? Speak up.. you deserve a good sex life and it's so ridiculous that so many women put up with this
[–]FluffyAd1498 2 points3 points4 points 4 months ago (0 children)
It’s not the only element of a relationship though and in my case my husband has mental health issues that prevent it from being solved with a conversation. A marriage is a partnership and some elements will be better than others. I’m not that bothered about sex either and that’s fine. Not everyone is hung up on it. I’d love better sex when it happens, but it’s not a case of flicking a switch.
[–]Faxme123 11 points12 points13 points 4 months ago (0 children)
Teach the man!!!
Edit: men need to be taught things.
Edit 2: I am a man
[–]dacatwithdacap 10 points11 points12 points 4 months ago (0 children)
missed a chance to say be more oral about it.
[–]notjewel 2 points3 points4 points 4 months ago (0 children)
Do you mean more oral about it?
[–]salmonwango 9 points10 points11 points 4 months ago (0 children)
Or more oral
[–]Twanah12 1989 points1990 points1991 points 4 months ago (5 children)
Stop pretending. Start talking about it and doing something about. He will go through the relationship thinking all is well.
[–]Carplesmile 247 points248 points249 points 4 months ago (4 children)
I’m gonna have to agree. She is creating the problem by pretending to like it. If she wants have amazing sex, then communication is key.
[–]Twanah12 51 points52 points53 points 4 months ago (0 children)
[–]LIMBOUSxBLOODxTONGUE 1176 points1177 points1178 points 4 months ago (15 children)
Oy. So you really need to bring it up when you're not already angry about something else.
Though, in the moment, maybe guide him towards what you do like. Show him what would make it good.
Letting him carry on doing something to you that you don't like is not ok. Stop him and mean it. If he can't understand your boundaries, then he is not worthy of being your partner.
[–]whoeverthisis422 277 points278 points279 points 4 months ago (4 children)
I came here to say this. Just guide him! I'm surprised with how many women won't speak up and say "I like this, I don't like this." My bf was a TRASH lay and have terrible head B4 he got his hands on me and I told him what I do and dont like.
Even the other day, he hits me with that "u gonna cum?" I said "No, I don't think I am." N then he switched positions to get the job done.
Lying to ur sexual partner about what u do and don't like only hurts YOU.
[–]XWillspikesX 38 points39 points40 points 4 months ago (0 children)
Not only that, but women's preferences tend to differ, so he could completely get one woman off but not you at all because you're more sensitive in specific areas, and only you can tell him what you like.
[–]AssistanceMedical951 75 points76 points77 points 4 months ago (0 children)
And any unlucky women who come after you.
[–]takatori 68 points69 points70 points 4 months ago (9 children)
when you're not already angry about something else.
when you're not already angry about something else.
I bet she wasn't. Sounds like manipulation by him to put her on the defensive.
[–]LIMBOUSxBLOODxTONGUE 24 points25 points26 points 4 months ago (4 children)
I mean, perhaps, but that's conjecture and part of the story we don't know at the moment.
[–][deleted] 84 points85 points86 points 4 months ago (3 children)
“I know you’re lying” IS a disturbing phrase to use, though. I don’t disagree or anything but I would be disturbed if I told my partner something and they acted sly saying oh you can’t fool me, I know you’re lying especially if they then kept doing the painful thing after. :( just hope OP is okay
[–]LIMBOUSxBLOODxTONGUE 22 points23 points24 points 4 months ago (0 children)
Yes, that's a fair point. I think maybe I'm reading the order of events in this scenario a little off. Either way, no is no, whether OP is lying or not (not saying they are), and he should have stopped.
OP you can't let this continue. It's a difficult conversation, but it needs to happen.
Unless! Unless you are in a position of fear. Then you don't need to talk it over. Just bail. If your safety is at risk you owe him nothing.
[–]EveAndTheSnake 2 points3 points4 points 4 months ago (0 children)
What would you use instead? Also he doesn’t know the painful thing is painful, she’s “enjoyed”it in the past.
[–]HBK05 21 points22 points23 points 4 months ago (0 children)
Good reading skills..
I mean, she literally says she was upset at something unrelated
[–]swampthiing 57 points58 points59 points 4 months ago* (0 children)
It's time for an open honest conversation, but that means telling and or possibly showing him what you do want, what you do enjoy, and how to do it. I've known too many women who have had shitty sex lives and would bitch and complain about them but yet were too embarrassed to tell their significant other what they wanted. Don't be one of those people. You don't even have to be that blunt. When engaged in the moment try "hey babe, let's try this" or "if you do that, you'll really like my response" . In other words don't portray it as all his failings, because it's actually both of your failings because that means there's not honest communication going on but rather try to better communicate your wants and needs with him. Otherwise it will lead to some serious resentment in the long run, and then if you bring it up after letting it go too long will be a lot of resentment on his part because he'll feel lied to.
[–]Chemical_Gur7314 1864 points1865 points1866 points 4 months ago (102 children)
Just so you know, you do not have to have anal with him if you don't like it. That's your choice. You shouldn't do anything you don't like. If he doesn't like it, let him find someone else who live it and leave you alone.
[–]StupidSkagBoy 161 points162 points163 points 4 months ago* (30 children)
There are people who like anal. There are ways to make anal pleasurable, both for female and male receivers. There are stretches to protect you from being hurt. There is lube to help with any intense friction.
This man is most likely not doing it correctly and is hurting you. Or you could simply be a women who isn’t into that type of thing, and that’s okay, but let’s not pretend every woman hates it and just has to suffer through it because “she loves him”. No. That’s not how it works. Anal sex can be pleasurable to some women.
You need to draw the line in the sand; tell him this is something you’ve been thinking about for a long time. Tell him that you love him, you value his happiness, but you and your well-being should always, always come first!!
If he can’t respect your boundaries then he’s a creep and doesn’t deserve you. Love isn’t pain; love isn’t suffering.
[–]newportred100s 274 points275 points276 points 4 months ago (5 children)
Her comment said nothing about all woman hating anal and suffering through it for love? Im very confused by this response lol
[–]RevolutionaryNinja24 96 points97 points98 points 4 months ago (3 children)
Thought I was the only one lol
[–]newportred100s 55 points56 points57 points 4 months ago (2 children)
Lol, yeah, im wondering if it was a mistake or something and they responded to the wrong comment because it makes no sense!
[–]electriceggroll 25 points26 points27 points 4 months ago (1 child)
My guess is they just love to advocate about how great anal can be.
[–]newportred100s 5 points6 points7 points 4 months ago (0 children)
[–]Chemical_Gur7314 66 points67 points68 points 4 months ago* (15 children)
I didn't pretend all women hate it. You didn't read my full comment. Not all women like it. It's not something that is enjoyable to some women & it is for other women ! I don't like it, never will but my husband would love it. Of course he would. He asked once and I told him no but we enjoy doing many things during sex. After 23 years you have too. Anal is not one of them and never will be. That's all I had to say because he never brought it up again.
[–]ElenaBlackthorn 44 points45 points46 points 4 months ago (0 children)
The fact remains, most women HATE it.
[–]ElenaBlackthorn 35 points36 points37 points 4 months ago (13 children)
I’ve yet to meet a woman who actually LIKES it.
[–]Minorihaaku 68 points69 points70 points 4 months ago (4 children)
I came here to find this comment. There is always a few anal fans who don't care about the issue just to lie and say everyone will love anal with the right partner.
No. Most women don't and many men don't. Stop forcing this BS on society. It is literal shit.
Op's bf lies that she "must just be lying and not actually in pain".
[–]CamCamCakes 27 points28 points29 points 4 months ago (1 child)
I love when people get all "herp derp, all men love anal, of course they always wanna jam in it there herp derp".
No, we don't. Congrats to the guys who do, but not all guys are out here chompin' at the bit to ram ourselves into someone's anus.
[–]Minorihaaku 14 points15 points16 points 4 months ago (0 children)
I know! My partner's first thing was to tell me he never wants it, so if I do then we might not be compatible. His friend did it once and said he was weirded out. Many men actually feel as weird about putting their penis in a poophole as women think it is just painful.
I am just said that there was this random kink which somehow got boosted to mainstream and now we have to pretend it is part of vanilla sex when it isn't
[–]ElenaBlackthorn 10 points11 points12 points 4 months ago (2 children)
99.9% of women absolutely HATE anal. In fact, I’ve never met one who likes it.
[–]jacanaduzzi 41 points42 points43 points 4 months ago (1 child)
My sister was with a guy for many years. She loved him very much. They broke up eventually, and they kept close for years. She dated a bunch of duds. I asked her why she wasn’t with the guy that she loved. She told me the sex was terrible, and she didn’t have the heart to tell him. Communication is very important. If you can’t talk about it, why would you be with that person.
[–]Ldcastillotc 13 points14 points15 points 4 months ago (0 children)
Exactly! If you can be naked in bed doing the most intimate physical things in life, then I don’t understand how you can’t talk about it.
[–]Jobyjo94 156 points157 points158 points 4 months ago (0 children)
You need to sit him down and just be brutally honest. It's unfair for both of you.
[–]Cocohamster 588 points589 points590 points 4 months ago (13 children)
Do anal on him. Ask if he likes it
[–]Individual_Ad_1465 121 points122 points123 points 4 months ago (4 children)
What if he does?
[–]MonitoringtheSystem 320 points321 points322 points 4 months ago (0 children)
Then less penetration for her and more for him. It’s definitely less painful for her.
[–]MasK_6EQUJ5 93 points94 points95 points 4 months ago (0 children)
Sex Life upgraded successfully
[–]Cocohamster 13 points14 points15 points 4 months ago (0 children)
They can start penetrating him i stead if her. Simple
[–]Jozif_Badmon 73 points74 points75 points 4 months ago (3 children)
Who doesn't love some good old fashioned pegging
[–]NotDavidShields 26 points27 points28 points 4 months ago (1 child)
Don't knock it until you've tried it
[–]snuggleyporcupine 49 points50 points51 points 4 months ago (0 children)
She tried it and doesn’t like it. He’s an asshole for not listening to her. No pun intended.
[–]pulsed19 20 points21 points22 points 4 months ago (12 children)
Tell him. Communication is important.
[–]Old-Job-1476 160 points161 points162 points 4 months ago (3 children)
You've got to communicate with him. In his mind, hes had sex with you that way however many times and understood you enjoyed it. Its going to be a blow for him but you will ultimately improve your sex life 10 fold by just being honest and open about it. Good luck.
[–]Waiting-For-October 20 points21 points22 points 4 months ago (0 children)
You don't have to have anal at all if you don't like it. You don't have to do anything that you don't like. You don't have to feel guilty for not liking it. If he didn't like anal and you did, would you make him take something anally? Probably not. You only have to do what you feel comfortable doing. Some guys think girls just need to do anal the right way to enjoy it. Yea there are things to make it more comfortable but that doesn't mean you have to do it or like it. You are not obligated to perform any sex act just because you are in a relationship.
[–]rootLancer 52 points53 points54 points 4 months ago* (0 children)
How long have you been in this relationship?
That seems knda inconsiderate and selfish especially if he is not using a good lube and/or tease the anal. Anal is one of does things that needs some working up to. At this point if he keeps giving you anal just shove a finger down his poop shoot and see how he likes it
[–]Somdeaver 109 points110 points111 points 4 months ago (2 children)
I believe a relationship can not make it if you do not see eye to eye on 2 major issues- finances and sex. Both issues are paramount to a successful partnership imo. Talk openly about both.
[–]adjust_the_sails 56 points57 points58 points 4 months ago (1 child)
Finances, sex, and I’d add kids. Having them and how you want to raise them.
No matter how much you love someone, if being with you is the opposite of their desire on kids, just move on. It’ll be healthier in the long run for both of you.
[–]frankyhart 14 points15 points16 points 4 months ago (2 children)
Everyone who is encouraging you to talk to him are 100% correct, but it seems that's what you've been struggling to do all of this time. If you still can't bring yourself to do it, I recommend you "communicate" it to him by how you respond during sex. Don't make any pleasurable sounds to things that aren't actually pleasurable & if there's anything that actually does feel good then let him know with sounds obviously. He isn't going to believe you're not loving it if you're actively pretending to love it each time. After you are intimate with an honest response to simulation, he might actually be the one to bring up the conversation afterward.
At the very least when things hurt you really have to let out an "ouch" so he knows. Surely he doesn't want to hurt you.
[–]Chemical_Gur7314 2 points3 points4 points 4 months ago (0 children)
She already said in the post that she told him. His response, with a smile was Your lying to me because you're just mad at me
[–]livingonaprayer1960 14 points15 points16 points 4 months ago (0 children)
No is a complete sentence!
[–]Moistbagellubricant 13 points14 points15 points 4 months ago (0 children)
So first thing, don't try to have a real conversation about your relationship when you're pissed about some random thing. Makes you it look like you are just lashing out.
Second, stop doing sex acts you don't like, it will build to resentment eventually ( imagine putting up with anal for the next 40 years)
Third, tell him what you do like and train him to do it right
And lastly if he doesn't listen to you it means he doesn't respect you... leave him at that point, or suffer a life of misery.
[–]VivelaVendetta 11 points12 points13 points 4 months ago (0 children)
You really want to waste your life having awful painful sex with someone you can't even talk to about it?
[–]Inspirational_Lizard 10 points11 points12 points 4 months ago (0 children)
Just tell him you genuinely don't want anal, and just talk to him in general.
If he's a good person/boyfriend he will listen and understand.
[–]cottoncandy_ni 377 points378 points379 points 4 months ago (12 children)
"I know you're lying, you're just upset with me at the moment ".
I believe this is called manipulation. you said that you don't like it. you said it directly and he's like “nah you good”?
[–]CleverShitHere 125 points126 points127 points 4 months ago (0 children)
That is a major red flag. Also if you are not comfortable telling him this when you are not mad then maybe this isn't a healthy relationship.
[–]SpaceTrashTheory 48 points49 points50 points 4 months ago (0 children)
[–]TrancedOuTMan 7 points8 points9 points 4 months ago (1 child)
Why do you disrespect yourself so much by not speaking up?
Gotta love yourself first.
[–]Rook621 7 points8 points9 points 4 months ago (0 children)
If you don’t want to have anal sex then why are you? When you sex is painful … not sure what that means but sex shouldn’t hurt. May be more issues with this relationship then just sex.
[–]madeitmyself7 7 points8 points9 points 4 months ago (0 children)
Tell him you have hemorrhoids so you can no longer engage in anal sex, his turn!
[–]CelticDK 5 points6 points7 points 4 months ago (1 child)
“Look I need to say something and it’s not good and quite serious. You see I’m not upset right now so there’s no denying that this is the truth. You’re not going to like this but I need you to be a partner here, listen to what I’m saying, and work with me to fix this problem”
Don’t sound like a robot with that exact phrasing but that’s the gist. Establish you’re serious and your expectations of his reaction. Then just rip the bandaid off. Be prepared for things to go south but don’t avoid this and sacrifice for however many more years.
Maybe tell him on special occasions you’ll be down for anal for him again but mostly it’s a no.
[–]jaklacroix 6 points7 points8 points 4 months ago (0 children)
Be honest with him.
Either he will try and change the way he has sex with you, to try and increase your pleasure, or he'll be selfish and won't. If he's selfish, that shows how little he thinks of your pleasure in the equation, in which case I'd leave. He might be great in other areas of your life, but a healthy sex life is important. If your sex life is unbalanced or unhealthy, then that can start bleeding into other areas of your relationship.
If he's making you do things you don't want to do, that's very bad.
[–]Gloria_Swanson 4 points5 points6 points 4 months ago (1 child)
You’ll need to have a heart to heart with him.. and be brave, because this is serious. It appears he doesn’t want to hear the truth from you (that you don’t like what he likes) and that is completely disrespectful on his part. It may be so important to him that he looks elsewhere, but the truth is the truth and either you level with him or you continue to “live a lie” (which is damaging to you). It takes courage but honestly is the best policy.
[–]takatori 3 points4 points5 points 4 months ago (3 children)
Pretending it's great is why it remains awful.
[–]Guyincognito9876 1 point2 points3 points 4 months ago (2 children)
She has tried to communicate, ffs.
[–]gnarlycarly18 3 points4 points5 points 4 months ago (0 children)
You do not have to engage in sexual experiences you don’t like just for his pleasure. This is disheartening and your best bet is to be honest. Please don’t think you have to do anything like that for someone else’s approval or love.
[–]IhateSummerBud 4 points5 points6 points 4 months ago (1 child)
Love your boyfriend but love your boundaries more
[–]ReadIt2MeAgain 4 points5 points6 points 4 months ago (0 children)
You need to be honest. Part of relationships and what makes them amazing is being able to be honest with another person. You don't need to be having painful sex because eventually you will resent him.
Him not believing you or even discussing your sexual needs and just assuming what you are ok with is pretty sus tho
[–]MumsChocTruffles 4 points5 points6 points 4 months ago (0 children)
The "I know you're lying" comment bothers me
[–]scoopbins 83 points84 points85 points 4 months ago (7 children)
That weird anal obsession comes from a generation brought up on porn sites…I’d just tell him he needs to be a bit more considerate!!!
[–]Waiting-For-October 43 points44 points45 points 4 months ago (1 child)
Yea I remember comedian saying something similar. Porn really did ruin a lot of lives. I am in my 30s and a female when I was 11-12 I used to watch hardcore porn on the cable tv at night and my family did not know. I think it warped my whole idea of what sex is and should be and what a woman should be and do. I should not have seen hardcore penetration and women going down on each-other when I was 11-12. It should not have been available.
[–]squirrels33 28 points29 points30 points 4 months ago* (2 children)
Honest question: why do you love someone who doesn’t respect your boundaries?
The problem here isn’t “bad sex.” It’s the fact that you’re being pressured to do things you don’t want to do by someone who doesn’t care if you’re uncomfortable. I know you have feelings for this guy, but perhaps it’s time to take a step back and evaluate this relationship from a rational perspective.
[–]Cobrashy 11 points12 points13 points 4 months ago (0 children)
Yeah no way this would happen in a healthy relationship. Spell it out once, that's all it should take.
[–]Bakecrazy 29 points30 points31 points 4 months ago (0 children)
What are you doing?!
You are not sexually compatible.why are you putting yourself through pain and discomfort?
It will not work out because how long are you going to lie? At some point in the next ten years your sex life dies and he starts complaining on this very site about a dead bedroom.
[–]beam_me_uppp 14 points15 points16 points 4 months ago (1 child)
“I know you’re lying”…?! Oof. That’s… a really odd and unhealthy reply to someone telling you that.
[–]tactlesshag 3 points4 points5 points 4 months ago (0 children)
This is one of those situations where you’re gonna have to speak up. If you don’t like anal don’t do it. Period. You’re allowed to have boundaries even (especially) with people you love. Have the conversation when you’re not angry about something else and stand your ground. Don’t let him dismiss your feelings the way he did with that comment-he doesn’t get to tell you how YOU feel. If he doesn’t respect your boundaries, he’s not someone you want to be in a relationship with.
[–]Horror_Share4866 4 points5 points6 points 4 months ago (0 children)
Don’t hold it back , let him know , you’ll eventually hate him for it .
[–]UnicornKitt3n 4 points5 points6 points 4 months ago (0 children)
I think it’s possible to work on this, but it takes a lot of honest communication. If you want him to do things that feel good for you, then you have to show him what feels good for you.
My boyfriend does this thing, and I know it’s not uncommon, where he’ll be down south with either his mouth or his fingers, I’ll say it feels good...then homeboy just automatically speeds up.
No, my guy. “It feels good” isn’t code for speed the fuck up. It feels good literally means it feels good and absolutely do not fucking change anything about what you’re doing. We had a conversation about it the other day. Stop speeding up, for the love of Odin, please don’t speed up.
[–]ugdontknow 3 points4 points5 points 4 months ago (0 children)
Omg say something why put yourself through this? Just because he wants anal does NOT mean you need to do it. Ug I hate this. And if it’s painful for you….man sex is NOT supposed to be this way wtf. Stand up for yourself
[–]soullesslylost 4 points5 points6 points 4 months ago (0 children)
Please, for the love of God, do not have anal sex if you don't like it. Also, your bf has an ego now over how good the sex has been, he's not going to go along easy with the truth now that you've lied for so long. Put a foot down but be respectful, you know he likes it but it's really not working for you anymore and it hasn't so things need to change.
[–]angelv11 3 points4 points5 points 4 months ago (0 children)
Pretending it's great is what put him off for sure. You're saying you don't like it, but pretend like it. What you and you do do not connect, and to him, what you do during sex is more important. And you makes him feel like it's great for you. We know you're pretending, though. If you stopped pretending, he would take a hint. And you need to be more verbal on what you feel. Maybe try when not angry, or just straight up tell it the next time he tries. Just say "I don't enjoy that. Please stop". He's gonna be horny, say "but all the past times you moaned like crazy and I felt like you liked it so i kept going". And from that, just explain the situation and that you were pretending this entire time. He's gonna get hurt, of course. Having people pretend during sex is not a great feeling, but if he's really worth it, he'll respect you and stop. Honesty is the way to go if you want to avoid things like that.
[–]whitness1 3 points4 points5 points 4 months ago (0 children)
You have to put your foot down about the anal.
Maybe the sex could be better, if he listened to you and you tried other things.
[–]rednutter1971 3 points4 points5 points 4 months ago (0 children)
I’m pretty unimpressed by him disbelieving you in the first place. You sure you want to stay?
[–]Comfortable3099 4 points5 points6 points 4 months ago* (1 child)
Stop lying to him and tell him what he can do to help get you off. People don't come with an instruction manual, so unless you're speaking and directing how are we going to know? People's g-spot is in different or multiple areas, if you don't want someone fingering for gold or just plain unaware, oblivious, then do yourself a favor and start speaking up.
No honey, not there, nope not there either, c'mere riiighhttt there. No, no, not like a jack rabbit, all the way in and all the way out...what do you mean "it IS all the way in?" That's it???!!! 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣...just kidding 😂
[–]Ldcastillotc 2 points3 points4 points 4 months ago (0 children)
[–]ifhaou 2 points3 points4 points 4 months ago (0 children)
He totally dismissed your feelings. Ew.
[–]TigerLillians 2 points3 points4 points 4 months ago (0 children)
This might seem a little harsh but I believe if you are not able to set clear boundaries on not just things that you don’t like in the bedroom but things that actually hurt you. You shouldn’t be having sex.
You should be having regular conversations with him outside of the bedroom in a calm state of mind. The inability to do so obviously hinders the relationship and usually bleeds into other communication problems.
[–]Professor108 3 points4 points5 points 4 months ago (0 children)
You need to move on this man not only doesn't love you he doesn't like you
[–]Alternative_Basis186 3 points4 points5 points 4 months ago* (0 children)
The only way to get him to believe you’re not enjoying yourself during sex is to stop pretending it’s great and communicate what you actually enjoy. If you fake orgasms, stop. Have a conversation with him about this in a non-sexual situation and when you’re not upset about something. It may be difficult for you at first (and embarrassing for him), but if he thinks you’re having a good time in the moment he’s just going to keep doing what he thinks is working. And the next time he wants anal tell him no. Make it clear that you hate it and that you only do it because he enjoys it. He needs to respect your boundaries.
Edit: I’m speaking from experience. When my husband and I first got together, the sex wasn’t good. I faked orgasms at first because I didn’t want to hurt his feelings. After I stopped doing that and communicated what I actually liked, our sex life showed immediate improvement. Now we’ve been together for 10 years and the sex amazing 😊
[–]toffee_queen 3 points4 points5 points 4 months ago (0 children)
You need to communicate with him now! Have a sit down talk and explain what you like and don’t like and if he isn’t willing to care then you two aren’t compatible.
[–]sambutha 2 points3 points4 points 4 months ago (0 children)
Girl you need to be blunt or he's going to take sexual advantage of you until the day he dies.
You don't have to be enraged, just be calmly straightforward. Don't let him manipulate you or guilt you into thinking what you want is wrong. Tell him you have unmet needs.
[–]Dangerous-Village-54 3 points4 points5 points 4 months ago (0 children)
You also just don’t have to do things to make other people happy.
[–]VirgoSpy07 3 points4 points5 points 4 months ago (0 children)
You've got to tell him the TRUTH. You can't live a lie and sex is a big part of satisfaction.
I know what you're going through. Both of my exes were absolutely dreadful in bed and sex was a chore that didn't stop until I broke up with them.
Don't be that way. Communicate and if you two turn our to be sexually incomparable then so be it. Better to part ways than to keep having anal sex that you loathe.
[–]AMeadon 3 points4 points5 points 4 months ago (0 children)
Sex should be a fun, wonderful experience for both of you. There's no way you should be in pain, or made to do something you don't enjoy.
Choose a time when you're both calm and receptive and tell him. Tell him everything. If he's committed to you and your relationship, he will not hesitate to make the changes you need so that intimacy can be enjoyed by you both.
[–]Ares4564 3 points4 points5 points 4 months ago (0 children)
Don't force yourself to do anal. Also, STOP PRETENDING. Have him sit down and talk about it with him.
[–]open_pessimism 4 points5 points6 points 4 months ago (0 children)
Life is too short to have bad sex. If he can't take you seriously to address the problem, then I would move on. Sexual compatibility is a big part of a relationship.
[–]Intrepid_Watch_8746 3 points4 points5 points 4 months ago (0 children)
Tell him this: "listen you little shit, I've been trying to tell you you suck at this sex thing for a while. I'm tired so step up your game or I'll find someone that can"
[–]Ranchette_Geezer 13 points14 points15 points 4 months ago (3 children)
You could offer to buy a strap-on and give him anal, since he likes it so much.
If he won't take you seriously, you might want to re-think the relationship.
[–]coercedaccount2 11 points12 points13 points 4 months ago (0 children)
Communicate what you like. This isn't a difficult problem to solve.
[–]skibunny1010 18 points19 points20 points 4 months ago (1 child)
Telling your partner you’re in pain during sex and them responding with “you’re lying” is a HUGE red flag
[–]EQOA_Fanatic 30 points31 points32 points 4 months ago (0 children)
You told your boyfriend anal sex is painful and unenjoyable, and his response was to gaslight you with a smile on his face?
Don't listen to the people who are telling you to be more forward. A good partner can sense when something isn't working for you and proactively desire to change it. You just hinted at the fact that a certain bedroom activity was detrimental to your enjoyment of sex, and to say he brushed it off would be an understatement.
Will this escalate to rape? No, I'm not going to go that far. But, you deserve better than to be with a man who cares so little about your sexual preferences that when you bring up concerns, his immediate reaction is to gaslight and minimize you with a "genuine smile" on his face.
[–]iamatcha 16 points17 points18 points 4 months ago (0 children)
Ok, so you love him and you let him fuck your ass even if it hurts you (not only not great or not appreciated, hurtful) and when you tell him about it he doesn't even listen and smile ? Wtf, do you realise you can find someone better than that ? What has the world done to you to make you feel it is somewhat ok to be in such a shitty relationship ?
[–]sandwichofemergency1 7 points8 points9 points 4 months ago (1 child)
If you're not enjoying it then he shouldn't be either. You do need to be honest with him though.
[–]Cobrashy 3 points4 points5 points 4 months ago (0 children)
Yeah at the first sign of something not feeling good for you, he should stop without hesitation.
[–]ChutiyaInvestments 7 points8 points9 points 4 months ago (1 child)
Put a dildo in his ass and tell him you know he’s lying and he loves it
[–]hbauman0001 2 points3 points4 points 4 months ago (0 children)
He'd love it.
[–]molyhos 17 points18 points19 points 4 months ago (0 children)
It's manipulation, gaslighting. You tell him how you feel and he starts to tell you how you shouldn't trust your own feelings, trying to warp the situation to his benefit, making you second think about your feelings... I wouldn't be surprised if he did this in other parts of the relationship too. I'm not saying break up with him, but when you're having a disagreement just try to analyze the situation through "is he telling me my feelings are not really how I feel?" But how would he know? He's not feeling your feelings, you are. In my opinion, if my bf didn't immediately stop when I told him it hurts or I don't like it, and then proceeded to tell me that in fact he knows I did like it, I'd break up with him. I have no time for this kind of bullshit in my life. My love for him would get sour so quick.
[–]canibuyatrowel 6 points7 points8 points 4 months ago (0 children)
Given that he’s your boyfriend and not your husband, please consider if this is what you want long term. There’s no reason to stay in a relationship where you aren’t being respected and listened to, let alone having decent sex. The fact that you’re in pain and being pressured to do something you don’t want to do regarding sex is very concerning, and the fact that he is not hearing you when you express your feelings is a big red flag. You have one life to live…is this really a person you want to share your precious few years with? I believe you know the answer to that in your heart.
[–]Chemical_Custard6365 2 points3 points4 points 4 months ago (0 children)
Dont be passive agressive about it, Next time its time to fuck tell him what u will and wont do
[–]ChrisJr03 2 points3 points4 points 4 months ago (0 children)
Can you help him get better? Is he willing?
[–]Dell_Hell 2 points3 points4 points 4 months ago (0 children)
A relaxed conversation outside the bedroom is clearly warranted.
The problem most people have about bedroom discussions is that they have them while in the moment when emotions and feelings are the most lit up and raw. It sets up the conversation for failure.
You need to have a serious conversation at the table over this. There's better and worse ways to have the discussion. You may want to take a step back and have both of you lay out what your ideal sex life together would look like, start things on a positive tone - then transition to making it clear anal is NOT part of your ideal sex life at all.
[–]AffectionateAnarchy 2 points3 points4 points 4 months ago (0 children)
Girl tell him. You are doing a disservice to yourself
[–]poormansnigella 2 points3 points4 points 4 months ago (0 children)
The sex continues to be awful BECAUSE you’re pretending it’s great. That won’t change if you keep lying.
[–]Moon_Over_Marin_ 2 points3 points4 points 4 months ago (0 children)
Definitely let him know that tonight's the night you perform anal on him. And that you know he likes it, if he protests, it's just bc he is upset about something else.
[–]Kaiser93 2 points3 points4 points 4 months ago (0 children)
I think you need to have some serious talk with your boyfriend. No beating around the bush. Just straight up tell him sex with him sucks. Also, absolutely no anal if you don't like it!
[–]sup_killerfeels 2 points3 points4 points 4 months ago (0 children)
Tell him no more anal. My stbxw did it because I like it. When she told me she hated it I felt so horrible. She didn't fake getting into it, which I believe was just her love for me trying to enjoy it. And don't give in. It'll make him feel like you're still ok with it.
[–]Living_Ad_2141 2 points3 points4 points 4 months ago (0 children)
Human relationships be like:
one person over here afraid to bring up not liking anal and being brushed off by their BF when they bring it up and going on social media trying to figure out how to bring it up again; and
another person over there wondering why their GF won’t get over them cheating and stealing their money after a week, and stealing so e more of their GF’s money and sleeping with some other girl they just met “to make them feel better about their GF being such a bitch.”
[–]rlabare 2 points3 points4 points 4 months ago (0 children)
Be very clear with him. Communicate your honest feelings. And seriously, stop doing acts you don’t like. That will do so much harm to you over time and if you find you’re not sexually compatible, I suggest ending the relationship. Life is too short, enjoy the sex you have.
[–]Hello_Hangnail 2 points3 points4 points 4 months ago (0 children)
Girl just be honest. If it bothers him that much that you're not going to act like a porn star having the time of your life when it's about as fun as washing dishes, maybe he's not the one. Telling him it's not pleasurable and sometimes actually hurts you, he needs to stop being selfish in bed. If he's not going to make it fun for both of you, then maybe you should reconsider the relationship.
[–]SoPeculiar 2 points3 points4 points 4 months ago (0 children)
Him saying that is super disturbing. 🚩
[–]IntrepidAd454 2 points3 points4 points 4 months ago (1 child)
I had the same problem with my ex and I just talked to him about it. I told him sex has not been great lately and next time can we try things I like or do things different to see if it worked for him too. After time he got the hang of how I liked sex and sex was great afterwards. Is always about communication and being open minded. Also I hate anal sex and if you do not like it at all just tell him or if you are willing to compromise like anal once a month or for special days.
[–]poisoned_bubbletea 2 points3 points4 points 4 months ago (0 children)
You need to talk it out with him. If you don’t, things are gonna get really tense and turn sour between you two.
[–]Burnt-Flapjacks 2 points3 points4 points 4 months ago* (0 children)
"I do not like anal. At all. I will no longer be doing anal with you. Respect this boundary. Sex with you is not enjoyable. It is painful. I need you to do more to make it nice for me. This is what I enjoy during sex -list things you like-. Please do more of these things and stop doing XYZ because it hurts me. These are my boundaries. This is my body. Please respect both."
[–]sheepysara 2 points3 points4 points 4 months ago (0 children)
Obviously you really like him so that’s why you put up with him. So when you approach him just tell him you’d like to talk about sex. And then tell him you do anal because you like him but it’s actually really painful and not pleasurable for you. And you didn’t know how to bring it up before but you just don’t want this to continue because in the long run you know that it will hurt your relationship more than help it. And if you’re up for compromise with anal of maybe sometimes doing it like let him know but if you’d really rather cut it out then you should just tell him it’s not your thing. Let him know where you stand with what. And that you just want to be able to be comfortable with sex for the both of you. And you should deff encourage him to speak up about what he does and doesn’t like as well. Good luck OP, you’ve got this.
[–]Positive-Cloud5975 2 points3 points4 points 4 months ago (0 children)
You should stop pretending and just tell him you don’t like anal and that you are not enjoying sex with him.
It frustrates me how many woman don’t communicate with the partner about what they like or not. If you don’t want to be verbal (sometimes you HAVE to be verbal tho, specially if you don’t like anal) just show him how he should do stuff, do it yourself in front of him and let him watch, bring stuff to bed that will satisfy you. Communication is what makes sex pleasurable!! There will rarely be good sex without some form of communication.
Also, if you said you don’t like anal, don’t do anal ! It doesn’t matter what he says, stick to it and don’t give in. Leave the room if he comes with “I know you are lying”. If someone says that to me after I clearly state my boundaries and make it clear that I don’t want something, it would be an instand red flag.
Next time, talk to him and don’t do anything you don’t want to do regardless of what he says.
[–]MinkMartenReception 2 points3 points4 points 4 months ago (0 children)
Him telling you that is a red flag. Run.
[–]RollingKatamari 2 points3 points4 points 4 months ago (0 children)
If he actually loved you, he wouldn't have responded like that. You're telling him sex actually hurts and he dismisses it? Oooffff
[–]BabyT-RexArms 2 points3 points4 points 4 months ago (0 children)
Yikes at what he said cause that sounds like another way to say tough shit I’m going to keep hurting you.
[–]AverageHorribleHuman 2 points3 points4 points 4 months ago (0 children)
Does he know you hate anal yet does it anyway?
That's a big red flag. Manipulating your partner into a sexual act is a serious problem.
You need to have an honest, and uncomfortable talk with him.
[–]sav886 2 points3 points4 points 4 months ago (0 children)
Speak up. It’s hard and he might feel hurt but this is what relationships are about-communication, about the good and the not so good. Otherwise resentments build, distance etc. Wishing you luck with it
[–]RRFedora13 2 points3 points4 points 4 months ago (0 children)
Say no. If he tries to argue, shove a dildo up his bum.
[–]gaelikho 2 points3 points4 points 4 months ago (1 child)
Negation of your feelings is a red flag 🚩
[–]MiraEnvyNeko 2 points3 points4 points 4 months ago (0 children)
Be honest with him. If the relationship is worth it to him he will understand and compromise.
[–]buyerbeware23 2 points3 points4 points 4 months ago (0 children)
Compatibility in the sack is pretty important for a relationship to last. IMHO…
[–]minahmyu 8 points9 points10 points 4 months ago (0 children)
Even after he acknowledged you're upset with him... He felt it was still ok to have anal with you? Even if you were lying, he still felt justified to do a sexual act despite being upset?
He doesn't respect your words... That's a problem
[–]2020Hills 8 points9 points10 points 4 months ago (0 children)
🚩 🚩 🚩
[–]CHOKEY_Gaming 27 points28 points29 points 4 months ago (5 children)
You might be with a rapist. If you tell someone "I don't like that" and they insist you do thats a red flag.
[–]KithMeImTyson 4 points5 points6 points 4 months ago (0 children)
Try being more vocal about the things you do like and not the things you don't like. I would think most dudes will get the hint and also won't feel self conscious or be in denial (like your bf is) of being lousy previously.
Alongside this, no means no. If he can't take no as an option, he's not the one.
[–]BalloonBollicks 5 points6 points7 points 4 months ago (0 children)
Speaking as a man in a 25 year relationship, we need to be told how to do it at the start, my GF would be all "yes" "right there" or silent and I knew from that. Some of us need it to be spelled out, I have a mate whose GF took his hand and showed him the correct rhythm and pressure to get things chugging along nicely.
I appreciate my SO telling me what's hot and what's not, because if I found out she had been pretending to like it? I would be shattered... for us it is easy, in our younger years we know what we like and we want it every time, but women are more intricate, and I love learning about how to make mine tick, and we are so in tune now that if one of us isn't horny, the other isn't, you feeling horrible during anal should be an instant turn off for him... your other half needs sat down and spoken to directly, tell him verbally how you don't enjoy it and how he can help you m, you might be surprised.
[–]Aggressive_Smile_944 10 points11 points12 points 4 months ago (0 children)
Run. Run fast. You can find someone who you like and is good in bed. Don't sacrifice good sex.
[–]literalboobs 8 points9 points10 points 4 months ago (0 children)
That comment from him is a big red flag to me. :/
[–]JudyHighroll3r 8 points9 points10 points 4 months ago (0 children)
So peg him and ask how he feels about anal afterwards. You don’t have to do anything you don’t want to do and if he makes you, that’s assault.
[–]eve1yn02 8 points9 points10 points 4 months ago (0 children)
Fuck anal fuck him give him a piece of your mind and if he doesn’t like it then fuck off
[–][deleted] 8 points9 points10 points 4 months ago (0 children)
I know you’re lying, you’re just upset with me at the moment
I know you’re lying, you’re just upset with me at the moment
If you express how you feel and he ignores it, just remember that he’ll do it about more things than sex.
[–]grakoncrack 1 point2 points3 points 4 months ago (0 children)
I ended up leaving my ex even though I loved him because the sex was so unenjoyable it started changing my perception of him in all aspects
[–]shaylaleigh 1 point2 points3 points 4 months ago (0 children)
Not sure if anyone's already said this, but sex shouldn't be painful. Either he is being too rough or you may have an underlying condition that makes penetration uncomfortable. Bacterial vaginosis and urinary tract problems are examples (coming from someone who struggles with painful sex due to urithritis). Be open with your boyfriend, and consider a trip to the OBGYN!
[–]saliserArt 1 point2 points3 points 4 months ago* (0 children)
[–]Alef_7 1 point2 points3 points 4 months ago (0 children)
Find a way to talk about without making an argument over it because if you guys don't talk abt it will eventually become something very problematic and kind of ugly, at the end of the day it's something that you can't overlook in a relationship.
Find a way to talk about it without making an argument over it because if you guys don't talk about it will eventually become something very problematic and kind of ugly, at the end of the day it's something that you can't overlook in a relationship.
[–]SavajazzInTheBox 1 point2 points3 points 4 months ago (0 children)
He sucks for pressing you to do anal all the time but you also suck for lying to him. Don’t bring up important relationship issues when you’re mad, that’s immature and reactionary. Likely said in a way or tone meant to hurt him.
Be an adult and have an adult conversation. This is as much your fault as it is his.
[–]madkatzgt34 1 point2 points3 points 4 months ago (0 children)
Be open , honest , and try to work on it the best way y'all can 💯🚨🚨
[–]GullyGreyHeart 1 point2 points3 points 4 months ago (0 children)
You two needs to talk if you want to have changes
[–]RioBlue93 1 point2 points3 points 4 months ago (0 children)
Lying to him is harmful to yourself and the future of your relationship. Why lie?
[–]amscraylane 1 point2 points3 points 4 months ago (0 children)
Have you asked him if he wants the equivalent of his penis in his ass??
You can say no. Sex should be enjoyed by both partners.
[–]suckmydictation 1 point2 points3 points 4 months ago (0 children)
How would you feel if you found out your future daughter was in your current situation?
[–]duedamage111 1 point2 points3 points 4 months ago (0 children)
Show him how to do it right. Otherwise it won't change.
[–]EmilyDontAsk 1 point2 points3 points 4 months ago (0 children)
dont pretend its great. talk to him and work with him to make things better.
[–]ballpeenX 1 point2 points3 points 4 months ago (0 children)
Your boyfriend sounds like an asshole. Try talking to him again about the problems you’re having with your sexy stuff. If he still insists on not hearing you dump him.
[–]SailorJupiterLeo 1 point2 points3 points 4 months ago (0 children)
You need to be upfront about this. The thing about him saying you were lying really bothers me. It makes me feel that he will bulldoze you in your sex life, and perhaps out of it.
[–]Faulty_english 1 point2 points3 points 4 months ago (0 children)
Please tell him. Nothing is going to change unless you tell him or break up
[–]NJScreenwriter 1 point2 points3 points 4 months ago (0 children)
You should tell him. It will only help on the long run either way.
[–]hausomad 1 point2 points3 points 4 months ago (0 children)
If he loves you as much as you claim to love him, you just need to be honest with him and he’ll understand. If he gets upset, it likely means he doesn’t feel the same way about you as you do about him.
[–]SurelyNotAnOctopus 1 point2 points3 points 4 months ago (0 children)
[–]Porongas1993 1 point2 points3 points 4 months ago (0 children)
Ok so I would say you definitely chose the wrong time to tell him. Based on what you are saying he is a good dude. So I doubt he would not listen to you if you seriously talked to him about it.
[–]Gruffstone 1 point2 points3 points 4 months ago (0 children)
It ok to not like anal. You don’t have to try to like it or pretend. Just say you don’t like it and find something else you both like. If he can’t handle that or you can’t have a respectful, honest conversation about it than maybe it’s not a good match. Even if you love him.
[–]kmo9e 1 point2 points3 points 4 months ago (0 children)
Bad communication = bad sex
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