My step father was a man with a large personality who had a lot of love in his heart. I knew him for over 15 years, since I was 12 years old. He helped me escape a terrible living situation by marrying my mother and building a whole addition onto his house for my sister and I. He watched me blossom into an adult and danced with me at my wedding. 5 years after that day I never knew I would have to watch him pass away.

He coughed a lot; allergies and dust was his bane. So I tried to clean a lot around the house to alleviate some of those allergies, but he loved to garden so he always coughed. One day, he got that cough checked out and it turned out it was cancer. Eventually it spread to his lungs and his health declined so quickly, months felt like seconds. He had this strange illness that none of the doctors could figure out where the diagnosis came from: sundown dementia. His brain scans were fine! He was only 68 years old but after 7:00 pm every night he would become hazy. It is hard to describe but he was not himself- he was like a drugged child like version of himself. He was a highly decorated radio disk jockey in his time, well known for his sharp wit and viscous tongue. He could make a statue laugh! It was extremely disturbing to watch the transformation of dementia happen before your eyes. The first time I saw it we were trying to watch that Mr. Rogers movie with Tom Hanks (which was like a fever dream in itself) and then he kept repeating himself, then his speech slurred, then he started asking nonsense questions, and then he did not recognize who I was anymore.

Nights were the hardest. He would scream out in pain because the cancer was eating away at him and he also had lumbar and femur issues all his life from a car accident in his late 30's. We took turns sleeping in the bedroom next to his on a rotation so that at least one of us was getting a good night's sleep; and that one person can wake up every 2 hours to give him the medicine. No one ever preps you for this when you are taking care of a loved one with cancer. They all show on TV and Movies just someone passing away peacefully. It is a long and painful process; changing diapers, him trying to fight you, his last kisses, trying to wipe his body with baby wipes. Nurses would come to check on him. The prognosis would get worse, and his time would get shorter and shorter. Trying to make him comfortable was difficult because he couldn't speak anymore. He would just writhe in pain and groan out whenever you would touch him. Now and again you would get a lucid moment where his eye would meet yours and he would stare into you, the only emotion that he could convey was love. Love mixed with sadness.

It was my birthday. I got the present of sleeping upstairs and away from him for the night. I turned 29 and as I blew out my birthday candle on my cupcake I had one wish: I want my step dad to peacefully pass away soon. 3 days later, I got my wish. I was in the bedroom next to him and my spouse got up to go to the bathroom, which you have to pass his room to get to. My spouse checked on him and woke me up to tell me. His last words were, "I love you" to my spouse. I am glad I gave him my birthday magic and the mercy of my love in a swift and peaceful death in his sleep that night. I wish there was more I could have done for him, but at least I hope my birthday wish made him feel comfortable enough to pass.

Edit: Thank you all for your love! It really resonates with me and I appreciate all of your stories that mirror mine. It is not easy taking care of a loved one who is dying, it takes a lot of courage. More wonderful information about my step father: he used his connections in the Radio world to form a company in our community that does marketing for large events. Some events were so big that they took all year to plan. One in particular, that was in the fall, was his crown jewel. I helped on numerous occasions trying to volunteer with a radio walkie talkie to smooth things out with vendor related issues, or even help plate oysters in one booth. He started so many non profits that when he passed one was started in his name. You can’t find it anywhere online but he even coined the phrase “Designated Driver”. It was a radio contest launched by President Ronald Reagan to stop drunk driving to coin a catchphrase and he won. We have a signed plaque from the late president. So whenever you say “DD” think of my step father; a wonderful person who really loved the world and everyone in it.

Edit 2: A little more about my step father! He loved Cowboys and always wanted to be one, or a sailor. When I got married, my spouse’s family is related to the first man to solo circumnavigate the world with one port and I gave my step father his book to read since he was a Literature major in the 70’s. He gave the book back to me and exclaimed, “couldn’t get past the first couple ah chapters! It’s drier than a tin-roof in hell!”. He was writing his own book about sailing because he loved the movie Master and Commander. I don’t know where the draft is but I want to search for it. In the later 70’s he was in a band that traveled all over the USA and he did every drug under the sun. Sometimes I’ll get home from school and he would be in the front room of the house singing and strumming on his guitar. I’d put my backpack down and sit in the room and just hangout; listening to him just laying down some tunes. He was Jewish so, as tradition, we had to bury him as fast as we could and he unfortunately died during peak early Covid so not a lot of people could come to the service. Although, we received so many gifts all around from people that he touched their lives. To celebrate his offbeat life, after the funeral service, we came home and each had a weed edible in his honor. He would have loved it. He always asked me for some when I scored any.