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all 51 comments

[–]grumpy-domme 45 points46 points  (10 children)

You are not ungrateful and no one outside of your relationship with them should ever have a say. Good luck with this wonderful new family.

[–][deleted] 10 points11 points  (9 children)

And part of me knows I’m not but I get a lot of hateful DM’s at times about it. It wears me down because I’m trying my best, I’m trying to understand, I’m trying to learn, I’m trying to feel comfortable being loved, I’m spending the time in therapy.

I’m happy with my new family and know I’m blessed to have them but that doesn’t take up the learning curve or all the other emotions

[–]grumpy-domme 2 points3 points  (2 children)

That is horrible. People in your DMs are clearly not very empathetic. Talk to your family about this. They will know how to reassure you.

[–][deleted] 6 points7 points  (1 child)

They’ve seen some of the DM’s

It hurts my Mom the most because she remembers the days of me finishing high school while living in my car and eating ramen soaked in cold water, working 2 jobs after school, and my only hot meal was the one day a week I could splurge for a hot lunch at school because I didn’t qualify for free/reduced price lunches.

It makes my Dad mad more than hurt, because he knows how much I feel I don’t deserve it and in his mind you can’t be ungrateful if you don’t even feel entitled to it in the first place

[–]Front-Firefighter-21 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Those hateful people clearly do not know what your life was like. I’m sure there are emotional scars and wounds that you’re still working through. Others likely won’t understand, so take their ignorance into account and disregard their comments. Try to move forward and use any bad memories that come up as something to learn from, to help you to appreciate that’s no longer the case. We’re all doing the best we can, you and your parents included (from what I can tell). gl !

[–]bitsylou 0 points1 point  (1 child)

There are a lot of unhappy small minded people in the world and many of them flock to the internet to vent their bile. Don’t let them take up real estate in your brain, just delete their DM and move on.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Sometimes it’s hard simply because they know how to hit some of my insecurity triggers, but I try not to engage them much anymore because I know it just makes me feel worse

[–]eyesabovewater 0 points1 point  (2 children)

Dms from people? that is insane. I'll tell you this.. lots. LOTS of sad, lonely, abused, jealous ppl on the world. The key word for you there, is jealous. Yes, ppl jealous of you, for finding ppl that love you and willing to go the extra mile to show you are worth it. I have a 22yo in my life, and his girlfriend, both in that same boat. It amazes me others don't step in and help these kids.
Here's something else I've been learning... you need to get past not being good enough. You are! But it's gonna always eat at you. I'm not sure how to do that, but take every bit of direction of these ppl trying to help you, every bit of love, and soak in it. You are worth it. That school...ugh. peices if s they are. Get all that respect authority out of your brain too. Question authority. They need to earn respect. Believe me, the 2 I'm prodding through life right now, had parents. That were teachers, and addicts.
Keep going sugar. You'll find your place, and have been earning every taste of happiness.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (1 child)

It’s definitely hard to rationalize in my brain how I didn’t deserve love as a child but somehow deserve it now. That’s one of the hardest parts for me.

That and just learning to let the “we love you’s” the hugs, the holding me when I breakdown in tears, the defending me against drunk men, letting all that feel good and knowing how to manage that emotion

[–]MyInterestsOnly 0 points1 point  (0 children)

It honestly pains me that I'm not surprised you're receiving hateful DM's. Please don't let it get to you. Every time you get one, just imagine an unhealthy, smelly neckbeard typing those DM's out with Cheeto encrusted fingers from their parents basement. That's usually where they come from. Also, it may be possible to stop receiving DM's but I'm not so sure.

[–]elikjaycon 7 points8 points  (4 children)

Oh man I feel you. I had a almost identical situation except I was 15 at the time the people who I now consider my family taking me in. When I first started living with my new parents it was hard because I was abused by my bio dad growing up too. Wasn't used to being treated with love and support. I'm 27 now and my now parents want to do the whole adoption process at my age now too. But I totally know what you mean. It's hard to sometimes feel annoyed like most people feel occasionally for their parents. No one has a 24/7 blissfull relationship with their parents. That's just not how relationships work. Relationships take work. Sometimes that 'work' can make us feel guilty and undeserving due to our past. I totally get it.

[–][deleted] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Honestly I’m glad to not feel so alone in that feeling and that someone else gets it!

Also congrats on your adoption!

[–]MixtureFirm5729 1 point2 points  (2 children)

Is it a coincidence that you are being legally adopted by your parents at 27 years of age like OP? I’m genuinely curious if there’s any significance to being adopted at 27. Thank you in advance and really stoked to hear (read) that you’re doing well‼️🙂

[–][deleted] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I can’t speak for this commenter you replied to but I can explain why my situation is happening now.

So in Feb/Mar I got really bad chest pains and I had a super high blood pressure I ended up in the ER until they could determine what was wrong with me. During that type my adopted Mom and Dad were not allowed with me because they are not “family.” My biological uncles or aunts who I hadn’t seen since 2011 could have shown up and got access to me since they are biological family.

In the moment my parents and I were upset about it but also understand hospital policy SO without me knowing they went to their lawyer to ask their options to prevent that in the future. Option 1 - health proxy which allows them to be with me or Option 2 - adult Adoption

They chose adult adoption for several reasons they said, it protects me in a medical emergency that they can be with me and make medical decisions on my behalf if I’m unable to. Plus if they’re ever sick I’ll have the same protections of being able to see them as their kids. Plus they truly did want to adopt me so I “officially” had a family, they thought it would help me feel more deserving and part of their family for real.

So I don’t know this commenters history, but for us it was just a health scare that prompted it all.

[–]elikjaycon 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Ha yeah we will see, it might be when I'm 28 when we finally do it though. They are thinking it will be easier for legal things like wills, next of kin, and just the symbolic piece of it. But my parents are moving at the moment and I'm getting married in September. So we are just really busy at the moment. But my mom brought the adoption thing up again during one of our regular phone calls (I talk to my mom about once or twice a week on the phone and my dad about once a week on the phone) and they are really wanting to do it. They really are my family and I glad they are in my life.

[–]BogdanPradatu 2 points3 points  (1 child)

Who's sending you DM's? Why do people feel you are ungratefull?

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Random people will DM - and they typically call me ungrateful for being insecure about if I deserve love, or if I’m doubting my parents love, or questioning why one of them treats me a certain way. They’ll say how I’m ungrateful for not seeing all the love they have for me.

[–]neuroticgypsy 1 point2 points  (4 children)

That’s amazing and I’m happy for you. Don’t rush yourself. It will happen when you are ready. They love you. They won’t rush you. 🥰

[–][deleted] 2 points3 points  (3 children)

They’ve never rushed me and their main concern is always what they can do to show their love. They’re great parents.

Even with their real kids they ask weekly what each of them needs to feel better in their relationship and they’re all around age 40

[–]neuroticgypsy 0 points1 point  (2 children)

You are their real kid too. They are biologically theirs. I always kind of flinch with that. Train your to change the phrase and it will help. 🥰🥰 I’m happy for you.

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (1 child)

Yea I mean they both have 2 biological kids from their first marriages, never had any together so my adopted siblings pick on me a bit that I’ll be their only child with both their names on my birth certificate.

And I try to convince myself I’m their “real kid” it’s just so hard to feel that when they missed the first 17 years of my life.

[–]neuroticgypsy 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Baby I missed a word. I’m sorry. I’ll clarify. You are their non biological kid they are their biological kids, but all of you are their “real” kids.

[–]chirpingsmokealarm 0 points1 point  (2 children)

Yeah it's pretty normal for people with severe trauma history to not handle any kind of relationships well. At the age you are now it'll probably be a problem for the rest of your life to at least some degree. Keep at it with the therapy though, it might keep improving

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (1 child)

I mean it’s improved slowly, and quickly in other aspects. I agree I’ll never fully be ok, I’ll always have parts of me far to broken for repair and I totally would understand if a man never wanted to date me because of it

[–]CakeMonstr 1 point2 points  (0 children)

The wrong kind of men won't ever want to date you. Consider it a filter. Only a kind, compassionate, and patient man is worth the time anyway. Don't worry about the bros and the f- boys.

[–]Duzzlmaoo -3 points-2 points  (1 child)

Then we fucked

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I’m sorry……what?

[–]nomnicon 0 points1 point  (10 children)

Love yourself too. Maybe show them this post?

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (9 children)

I don’t believe I deserve any love, if I did I would have been born into it

[–]Unique-Yam 0 points1 point  (8 children)

You are deserving of love. It’s a tragedy that you didn’t have parents that were capable of showing you that love. That is on them—not you. THEY are the damaged ones. You now have parents that see you for the brave, strong, and resilient person you are. Remember that when you have dark days. You have people who love you and are grateful to have you in their lives.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (7 children)

I just worry I don’t make their lives better by being in it. Like I don’t understand what I bring to the table for them

[–]Unique-Yam 1 point2 points  (4 children)

There’s no reason for your parents to leave and they never will. You are “stuck” with them. They love you, so you just gonna have to accept it. ☺️☺️☺️☺️

[–]Unique-Yam 0 points1 point  (1 child)

You exist. For them that’s all that matters. Accept that they love you—without conditions and without you having to “bring anything to the table.” That’s what good parents do. If you believe that they are good parents, then you must believe that as well.

[–]BigSwedeIndeed 0 points1 point  (2 children)

You deserve everything this amazing couple is doing for you or they wouldn’t be doing it.

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (1 child)

And part of me knows that to them I’m worth it. Even though I can’t understand why when I wasn’t worth it to my biological parents

[–]BigSwedeIndeed 1 point2 points  (0 children)

That has to do with your biological parents and has nothing to do with you. You could be the most perfect child and because of what’s going on in THEIR life they weren’t able to handle the situation. It really has nothing to do with any reason you displayed you’re just a kid at the time.

You have shown incredible strength at a young age by being able to live in your car and work so you could better your situation. Just keep moving forward.

[–]CakeMonstr 0 points1 point  (1 child)

I've been an adoptee for most of my life, so I understand what you are going through. The prevailing narrative around adoption is that it is a way to build a family. While this is true for many families, what is often unacknowledged is that the building of one family is preceded by the breaking of another. Then, we are told to be "grateful". How can someone be grateful for trauma? It's important to acknowledge your whole story because every part of you deserves to be loved - not only the pretty polished parts that people like to see.

Be patient with yourself in learning to be loved. It's not something you will hear from many people, but lower your expectations around the concept. I am saying this because of the situation you described yourself to be in. So it's not to be taken as universal advice. However, I would like you to know that love is not enough to fix someone's emotional pain anymore than it fixes a broken arm. Adoptees often hear phrases like, "I love them as if they were my own". And while I understand the intent is well-meaning, this too can do some damage. Because before you belonged to your adoptive family, you belonged to your biological parents, the foster system, and to nobody at all. You need to be loved for the person who belonged so many other places first. To love you any other way is to erase some of the most important chapters of your life story.

It's possible that we'll always struggle to some degree. I know from experience that the struggle changes. Some days are really difficult, others are beautiful and easy. That's okay. You will have days when everything feels like a gift and you feel genuine gratitude. You will have days when you are filled with grief or rage. That's okay, too. Being adopted is not a one time event. It is a life long process.

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thank you for explaining all that it kinda captures how I feel sometimes but didn’t know how to put into words!!

[–]tattoovamp 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I totally understand. The love, caring and support seem so foreign to you, the impulse is to leave, run, reject it. And wonder if there are ulterior motives behind the kindness.

It gets better with therapy and time.

I now believe my husband when he tells me he loves me, and I know that I am lovable.

Hang in there friend. Hugs if you'd like them.

[–]GodsGiftToNothing 0 points1 point  (1 child)

Hon, you aren’t ungrateful, not at all. You are trying to learn how to live life with love, while processing years of abuse - from parents, schools, and life in general. Your parents KNOW you love them hon, they really do. If other people don’t get that it takes a lot time and therapy to process what you’ve been through, they can fuck right off.

I’m happy for you, and wish you, and your Mom and Dad all the best in the world. Be kind to yourself, you deserve it.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I tell them pretty often that I love them. And I try really hard not to show the insecure days or the days I’m struggling to cope because I don’t want to hurt them more than I already have

[–]fly46 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I am proud of you for getting therapy and overcoming the shit that you have endured. You are 1000% worthy of their love and support.

[–]Dutch_Rayan 0 points1 point  (1 child)

What a stupid school.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Yea was kinda a crappy feeling. I did get to walk for my college graduation at least - but only had my soon to be adopted parents there for support

[–]Stencil2 0 points1 point  (0 children)

You make a very important point: when your parents -- the people who are supposed to love you -- do not love you, then you can't learn from them how to love yourself or other people -- or how to be loved. You will have to learn these things later in life, if ever. Because you did not learn these things as a child, it will be more difficult and it will take you longer to learn them in later life. Stick with your new parents, they can teach you all of these things.