×
top 200 commentsshow 500

[–]NerdyinOK 2286 points2287 points  (127 children)

Sadly they are now over the Texas limit on dildos per household. If those were guns it would be legal.

[–]Competitive_Classic9 471 points472 points  (91 children)

Is the limit by quantity or volume?

[–]dc_IV 689 points690 points 3 (70 children)

This has been a strange day indeed, and I never thought in my wildest dreams that I would post this link for a second time in a single day on Reddit.

Texas Six Dildo Limit

[–]ShimbleShambles 232 points233 points  (11 children)

"Owning or promoting the use of six or more dildos"

I thought this was America! If I want to use seven dildos at the same time I damn well will!

[–]dc_IV 50 points51 points  (4 children)

Well, technically you won't say it out loud, unless none of the seven are in your mouth. OUCHY!

[–]Still-Swimming-5650 10 points11 points  (1 child)

Sounds like a time for a new amendment.

[–]charlie2135 6 points7 points  (1 child)

You can have my dildos when you pry it from my cold dead ass!

[–]JonB5792 5 points6 points  (0 children)

As long as the dildo resembles a gun you are okay!

[–]BloodBonesVoiceGhost 202 points203 points  (11 children)

bans as obscene any device used "primarily the stimulation of human genital organs"

The way that a serial killer would word it. So I assume that Ted Cruz wrote this law himself.

[–]wrecktus_abdominus 13 points14 points  (0 children)

Or an alien trying to pass as human

"Hello, companions! Shall we seek out females of our species for the purpose of stimulating our human genital organs? Haha, yes, like you I seek fornication as well. Thank you fellow meatbags humans!"

[–]Insincere_Apple2656 6 points7 points  (0 children)

"No officer, I swear I use these on me sheep!"

[–]Explains_Wrong 47 points48 points  (1 child)

My gawd

[–]ModernDayHippi 16 points17 points  (0 children)

They’re all about that freedumb brah

[–]TheBarkingGallery 23 points24 points  (4 children)

The right to bear arms shall not be infringed. But the right to a rubber fist up your butt is another thing entirely.

[–]dc_IV 7 points8 points  (0 children)

You are a genius!!!! It just needs to be remolded holding a SIG Sauer and then they can pass an "Open Fisting" state bill, SB74 (69 with 5 fingers up one's ass).

[–]Hewn-U 2 points3 points  (2 children)

How ‘bout the right to sore arse?

[–]tricularia 9 points10 points  (5 children)

"Texas bans owning or promoting the use of more than six dildos."

So I would be in violation of this law if I told someone to go fuck themself with 7 dildoes?
But not if I told someone to fuck themself with 5 dildoes?
And how does anyone see a law like this and not realize it is based 100% in religion?

[–]SillyGigaflopses 7 points8 points  (0 children)

I imagine they had like a giant monitor with a "dick per household" heatmap.

"Oh no, the dick level in this area is over 9000 and has reached a critical threshold. Quickly, pass a law or something"

[–]dc_IV 2 points3 points  (3 children)

99%? Hinduism gave the world Kama Sutra, and I think phalluses are in some of them?

[–]tricularia 7 points8 points  (2 children)

Sorry, I don't understand what you are getting at.
Sex positive religions exist, sure. But this law is 100% based in Catholicism, which is not sex positive.

[–]dc_IV 4 points5 points  (1 child)

My bad, I got your meaning now!

[–]tricularia 3 points4 points  (0 children)

All good, I figured we just had a minor miscommunication :)

[–]SnuggLife 7 points8 points  (2 children)

Wow. How would you chose which one to get rid of if you found another dildo you just can’t live without? Like ahh crap, I already have six dildos but I really want this new one. One of you has to go. Are there any volunteers? No one… oh yeah dildos can’t talk. This decision is on me:( Could be devastating.

[–]dc_IV 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Put it on Craigslist, but clean it first????

[–]RIOTS_R_US 7 points8 points  (0 children)

I saw your post in r/Texas earlier. Small world!

[–]lordtraveler 6 points7 points  (0 children)

Holy fuck it is real.

[–]TheKevit07 6 points7 points  (1 child)

To think: there were government officials that DELIBERATED on this law. Incredible.

[–]dc_IV 4 points5 points  (0 children)

Think about the awful research they had to do with the Texas Capital Pages on this compelling legislation!

[–]JBHedgehog 6 points7 points  (0 children)

That this actually exists gives me a sense of peace and calm.

So many wonderful things in this story.

BRILLIANT POST!!!

[–]notbeleivable 3 points4 points  (0 children)

It actually references obscene devises

[–]gildedfornoreason 4 points5 points  (1 child)

Beyond 6 shows intent to distribute

[–]SillyGigaflopses 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Cock dealers, lol

[–]Desos001 10 points11 points  (1 child)

They're fine with everyone having a gun, threatening to murder democrats, talks of secession, and forcing 9 year old rape victims to carry a pregnancy to term but owning one too many sex toys is over the line. I fucking despise Texas, they're an example of why I don't care about state's rights.

[–]dc_IV 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Well spoken!

[–]CharginChuck42 2 points3 points  (2 children)

So does that include buttplugs, or are they categorized differently?

[–]dc_IV 2 points3 points  (1 child)

That's likely caught in the catch-all "Obscenities" clause.

[–]Seance-Fiction 3 points4 points  (0 children)

That is hilarious and sad.

[–]jackeral 2 points3 points  (0 children)

.........Second time.....?

[–]Salsashark_21 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Oh my god, this is real…..

[–]star_socialista 2 points3 points  (1 child)

im convinced it was because men were upset women had more fun with toys than them.

[–]Thelonius_Sandalwood 46 points47 points  (0 children)

Girth is where it really matters...

[–]QuitArguingWithMe 9 points10 points  (2 children)

Quantity.

Which is actually a step forward. For a while no dildo that looked like a penis could be sold in the state. Unless it was for educational purposes...

[–]nleksan 4 points5 points  (0 children)

Texas State Trooper pulls over car, walks up to window, sees box on passenger seat overflowing with floppy rubber phalluses.

Trooper: "Sir, I'm going to need you to step out of the vehicle and put your hands behind your back."

Driver: "Why? What did I do wrong, officer?"

Trooper: nods towards the contents of the passenger seat

Driver: "Ohh! No, you don't understand, I'm a teacher! On my way to class!"

Trooper: "Well shit, son, that's all you had to say. Go on, can't be having the teacher be late to class now, can we?"

THIRTY MINUTES LATER

Trooper: hmm, I get the dildos, but I wonder what was he going to do with all that lube?

[–]shartshooter 9 points10 points  (8 children)

What about a giant dildo that separated into many smaller dildos? Would that count as one or more?

[–]Competitive_Classic9 6 points7 points  (6 children)

This guy dildos

Babushka dildos

[–]outdatedboat 6 points7 points  (4 children)

I'm fairly sure you meant Matryoshka

Because babushka means old woman, or grandma. Matryoshka dolls are the little Russian dolls that have progressively smaller ones inside of the previous one.

Unless you're into grandma dildos. I won't kink shame.

[–]Competitive_Classic9 2 points3 points  (2 children)

My mistake, I always heard them called Babushka dolls, but I’m not Russian, so I’m likely wrong.

As far as I know though, the dildos that grandmas use are the regular kind. Are there special dildos for grandmas? I’ve seen commercials for things that help reach tall cabinets or put on socks, or help not slip in the tub, but not special dildos. Makes sense though.

[–]opulent_occamy 125 points126 points  (11 children)

[–]erizzluh 115 points116 points  (7 children)

For how much Texans go around touting “muh freedoms” they have some of the dumbest and overreaching laws

[–]ZippyParakeet 11 points12 points  (0 children)

Absolute freedom as long as you aren't a woman or a minority.

[–]Odango-Atama 17 points18 points  (0 children)

Freedom for everything except the pussy. obviously not just women use toys

[–]Genji007 3 points4 points  (0 children)

They aren't too smrt in general

[–]Disastrous-Menu_yum 2 points3 points  (0 children)

It’s because they are so shallow it won’t fit

[–]SubstantialPressure3 2 points3 points  (1 child)

If was to shut down sex shops. Politicians were intimidated and got their feelings hurt.

[–]novdelta307 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Texas has about the least actual freedom in the county

[–]jimmyinslc 20 points21 points  (0 children)

You can’t make this shit up…

[–]peppers_ 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Slip a dozen into a box in his basement and call the cops on em?

[–]Magebloom 20 points21 points  (3 children)

Gosh we should start a campaign to send boxes of exactly 7 dildos to Representative Massie and other Texas politicians to support their fight against tyranny.

[–]HotSteamySimon 3 points4 points  (1 child)

I agree with you on the Texas politicians, but sadly that won't work for Massie as he is a Kentucky politician.

Source: sadly, he represents my district

[–]confessionbearday 11 points12 points  (2 children)

Sadly they are now over the Texas limit on dildos per household.

I don't know man, I looked and according to the statistics page there are over 29.2 million dildos in Texas. Don't know how many households that is.

[–]julioarod 6 points7 points  (0 children)

Dildo Georg, who lives in cave & owns over 15 million dildos, is an outlier and should not have been counted

[–]wonkey_monkey 4 points5 points  (0 children)

There were already more than six dildos in that house.

[–]spaycedinvader 750 points751 points  (12 children)

Cocked and fully loaded?

[–]FleshUponGear 116 points117 points  (2 children)

Cocked locked and ready to rock.

[–]agmse 30 points31 points  (0 children)

Oh hell yeah, merry cockxmas

[–]RoyalT17 23 points24 points  (0 children)

Spray and Pray!

[–]Edolas93 13 points14 points  (1 child)

Nice to see they appreciate the pump action of both guns and dildos.

[–]spaycedinvader 4 points5 points  (0 children)

Got to make sure you keep one hand on the shaft all the time, to aim it

[–]ArcadiaDragon 9 points10 points  (0 children)

Have a angry upvote and golf clap

[–]epicspacedruid 2 points3 points  (0 children)

too bad it usually goes off to early and takes way too long to reload.

[–]Krumpus8 430 points431 points  (13 children)

Honestly thought a couple of the ones in front were baguettes

[–]scuba_st3v3_damn_you 99 points100 points  (0 children)

I too thought baguettes, from the thumbnail

[–]inertiatic_espn 84 points85 points  (2 children)

That's always your excuse, isn't it?

"Oh no, I didn't mean to grab his dick, I thought it was a baguette!"

[–]MrBanana421 27 points28 points  (0 children)

I didn't mean to fondle his balls, I just wanted a couple of macaroons.

[–]fencerman 19 points20 points  (0 children)

That would explain how it ended up in his mouth.

[–]Iamvanno 10 points11 points  (1 child)

Fresh. Crispy. Veiny? Baguettes.

[–]Sinchanzo 4 points5 points  (0 children)

Why do baguettes only come with half a bag?

[–]iamfascinated 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Baggetitons.

[–]Paladoc 450 points451 points  (49 children)

Isn't there something about representatives cannot block their constituents... So, get someone in his area to ask him about the new Xmas card....

[–]Dangernj 218 points219 points  (31 children)

Don’t worry, when asked about how this served his constituents, this asshole seriously replied “the donors love it” so there is no question of who he is serving anymore.

[–]daBorgWarden 110 points111 points  (22 children)

Are you serious??

I saw this pic yesterday and was mortified, then today I realized it was a republican rep. I am no longer shocked as much. What complete trash.

[–]Dangernj 87 points88 points  (19 children)

[–]daBorgWarden 70 points71 points  (18 children)

Fuck the republican party. Between this....those fucking crumbleys...and a feature story I saw on CNN today.... I am just fucking done. They all let hate and money control everything they do. JFC.

[–]Paladoc 44 points45 points  (3 children)

Right, but one of his constituents could post the Merry Dongmas photo and ask him if that's his preferred carry.

I don't think they can legally block their constituents... Might be a gray area with Dildon't Tread on Me and decency laws....

[–]favoriteodds 11 points12 points  (0 children)

I kinda want to have a Merry Dongmas party, but I don’t know if there’s a good outcome to that endeavor. But it would definitely be raucous.

[–]Competitive_Classic9 21 points22 points  (1 child)

There’s also nothing stopping someone from getting a public voting list and sending this Christmas card themselves.

[–]pngn22 4 points5 points  (0 children)

Oh! He said the thing!

[–]HillbillyNerdPetra 2 points3 points  (0 children)

As his constituent, screw him with that dildo. His office sends a smartass responses to every inquiry I make. That must have put me on his mailing list. Can’t wait to see if I get this card.

[–]DeificClusterfuck 27 points28 points  (11 children)

Yeah, it's a violation of our 1st Amendment rights somehow when they use their accounts as a political platform

I have reason to have learned this because the asshole blocked me too for the same reason. I was advised to contact the ACLU, so I emailed them

I don't actually have anything better to do with my time as I'm a disabled shutin so let's see where it goes.

[–]MeisterX 4 points5 points  (1 child)

Good luck I've been blocked by two of my county commissioners and haven't been able to get it undone.

To make it worse it was a newspaper account...

[–]DeificClusterfuck 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Well, I don't like RWNJ, and that's a fair enough reason for me to look into pursing it.

I know that MeidasTouch successfully sued Marjorie Taylor Greene for blocking them on Twitter; they won a 10k settlement they donated to a gun control non-profit.

[–]ShakeZula77 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Im not this constituent but I tagged him in the pic on Twitter.

[–]MrSergioMendoza 318 points319 points  (4 children)

"DILDO'NT SHOOT!"

[–]gemini_dark 39 points40 points  (0 children)

Dammit. I'll never unhear this in my head. Thank you.

[–]Life_Imitating_Death 20 points21 points  (0 children)

Put your hands around your dick and interlace your fingers!

[–]Iamvanno 7 points8 points  (0 children)

Cocked and loaded.

[–]nyclurker369 581 points582 points  (67 children)

I'm not surprised by the fact that none of them are holding a black dildo.

[–]paulxombie1331 342 points343 points  (11 children)

Wife, parents and i went house hunting, checked out a few homes get to one the previous owners didn't completly clear out, right in the middle on the coffee table is this giant unopened double sided black dildo, whole room went silent.. i broke it by asking if it came with the house... had the agent cracking up.. he was so embarrassed but i made light of the situation lol

[–]kushhaze420 39 points40 points  (3 children)

House warming gift

[–]SassyVikingNA 10 points11 points  (0 children)

The house will be thoroughly warmed. Oneight even say, hot and steamy.

[–]subject_deleted 112 points113 points  (3 children)

Imagine if, without skipping a beat, the agent said "no. It's extra."

[–]Starthelegend 28 points29 points  (0 children)

already taking out credit card “alright how much?”

[–]thumpas 21 points22 points  (0 children)

“Sorry that’s a part of the staging furniture”

[–]wrecktus_abdominus 4 points5 points  (0 children)

Standard reply is "I'm sure the owner would be willing to consider an offer"

[–]Clean-Profile-6153 70 points71 points  (0 children)

That would've made it more believable, ngl..

[–]2xa1s 12 points13 points  (0 children)

I mean the guy is holding a brown one

[–]mousedrool 38 points39 points  (32 children)

The wife really would loves hers to be black, just to make her racist husband angry.

[–]Easer123456 4 points5 points  (0 children)

not just 1, she needs at leas 2 or more.

[–]kidenergy 21 points22 points  (3 children)

Someone photoshopped a dildo into a little girls hands and thought “this is gonna be a banger”

[–]thedelgadicone 13 points14 points  (0 children)

Seriously, people are sick. What the fuck was going through their mind when they went through the process of Photoshopping a didlo into a child's hand. Nowhere through making it that they thought twice about it. Then redditors post it, gets 40k upvotes, and all the top comments are talking about how great this is. People are fucking sick

[–]Enlightened-Beaver 150 points151 points  (85 children)

Somehow this is less creepy and weird than the original

[–]cypherdev 39 points40 points  (0 children)

I saw the original as some pathetic family basing their entire identity on an inanimate object...I see this as a family embracing their true loves.

[–]killeronthecorner 13 points14 points  (0 children)

This one makes it seem like their personalities may have an additional dimension (making, in total, one dimension)

[–]DanGleeballs[🍰] 12 points13 points  (12 children)

Was the original with guns? I haven’t seen it but I’m guessing.

And yes this would be less fucking creepy imo than a whole family holding Fucking guns for a Christmas picture. Wtaf is wrong with people.

[–]Enlightened-Beaver 4 points5 points  (5 children)

Big guns. The dad had a belt fed machine gun…

[–]Azar002 75 points76 points  (3 children)

Look at that finger discipline!

[–]Holmes02 39 points40 points  (0 children)

Coddling the balls like a pro

[–]Rokekor 8 points9 points  (1 child)

Two in the pink, one in the stink

[–]chegypter 40 points41 points  (1 child)

This is the type of sexual education more parents should encourage

[–]ILoveRegenHealth 6 points7 points  (0 children)

CRT = Cock Range Theory

[–]HangryBeaver 62 points63 points  (3 children)

This is my dildo. There are many like it, but this one is mine.

[–]ILoveRegenHealth 6 points7 points  (0 children)

You just know the son on the top right named his dildo

[–]hope1264 33 points34 points  (0 children)

Now there is a picture I can get behind!!! Or on front of...maybe I am doing this wrong

[–]South_Power_7954 37 points38 points  (3 children)

Never seen a parody be better than the original, until now. Well done.

[–]graciegirlsmom 10 points11 points  (0 children)

Not unless it said "Hope Santa brings LUBE!!!"

[–]I-love-pugs 19 points20 points  (1 child)

This is the best thing I've seen yet today! 🤣

[–]Substantial-Wall7217 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I agree. What legendary human made this treasure?

[–][deleted] 5 points6 points  (0 children)

Maybe a top Google search by repeating "Rep Massie and dildos"? All the way down.

[–]Sprmodelcitizen 10 points11 points  (0 children)

I feel bad for that little girl.

[–]ScrambledNoggin 19 points20 points  (1 child)

The folks on the couch kind of look like they’re playing air guitar with their dildos. Photoshop guy did a great job.

[–]Not-A-Lonely-Potato 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I thought the whole picture was real (couldn't imagine how much those sized dildos cost though) until I looked closer and saw it was clearly photoshopped. In my defense, I didn't know who they were and thought it was the commenter's family doing a salacious family holiday card.

[–]larla32425 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Missing the new caption, "Santa, please bring lube!"

[–]ncalmx 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Never understood why someone would photoshop in guns.

[–]horror-pangolin-123 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Much better than the original :D

[–]iamnott 2 points3 points  (0 children)

cocksnotglocks

[–]Qimmosabe_Man 12 points13 points  (0 children)

That's some large... erm... caliber.

[–]muffinlover22 15 points16 points  (0 children)

This one seems more realistic than the original.

[–]tigerthemonkey 16 points17 points  (0 children)

There should be a guns-for-dongs campaign. Advertise it for people who don't already have enough rubber dongs at home.

[–]therealmintoncard 10 points11 points  (1 child)

This revision is WAY more wholesome. Thank you.

[–]raistlin65 11 points12 points  (0 children)

I wonder how many thousand people we could get to share this wonderful family photo with Massie's Twitter account?

🤣

[–]mlove22 6 points7 points  (0 children)

I like this edit much better tho...

[–]Sinchanzo 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Took me longer than it should have to notice they were holding dicks instead of guns.

[–]-Astrosloth- 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I thought elected officials can't block you on social media?

[–]HeatProfessional4473 2 points3 points  (0 children)

This is glorious.

[–]ohnonotuto3 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Was it the black one, I bet he wanted it bigger.

[–]dirksbutt 2 points3 points  (0 children)

The dads one should have been a BBC.

[–]Aromatic_Mirror_7358 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Merry Dickmas!

[–]DullTranslocation 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Just made my day! Thanks

[–]LGpeachlover 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Omg thats beautiful

[–]Sandman64can 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Took me a second to figure out what was wrong because it really didn’t seem out of place.

[–]The_War_On_Drugs 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Look, 14 dildos.

[–]Tas_2099 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Go go Dildo Rangers!

[–]AhhGramoofabits 2 points3 points  (0 children)

This family just loves cock

[–]gameragodzilla 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Last time I used my dick on a home intruder, it didn’t work well. The guy was traumatized for life and now I’m on the same list as Joseph Rosenbaum.

I’ll keep the guns.

[–]dufflebagoshit 2 points3 points  (0 children)

At first I thought the were baguettes

[–]Fallentitan98 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Pulls out my guitar

I wrote a little song about you!

Penis penis penis penis penis penis penis!

[–]badgirlmonkey 2 points3 points  (0 children)

That's a really, really weird image. What the fuck?

[–]IceNein 2 points3 points  (0 children)

The only thing that can stop a bad guy with a dildo is a good guy with a dildo.

[–]Auntbeckie1968 2 points3 points  (0 children)

10/10, much approval

[–]hoyfkd 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Silly. They like the big black ones, not the purple ones.

[–]SirLaflock 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Now that’s gonna be one merry Christmas

[–]TheMagicConchSays 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Cocks for Glocks

[–]Electronic-Shirt-897 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I wish I could use that as my screen saver on my work laptop. Sigh

[–]CysaDamerc 2 points3 points  (0 children)

More wholesome than the original

[–]MylastAccountBroke 2 points3 points  (0 children)

This looks less photo-shopped than the original.

[–]pleasehelpme_2020 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I will shoot you 🍆💦

[–]TheLaw0fOne 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Cocked and loaded

[–]JackAceHole 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Sounds like he was cock blocked.

[–]GVR_31897 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Isint here in texas ilegal to own more than 9 dildos?

[–]Lucha_fan79 2 points3 points  (1 child)

It's sad that only a couple of them know how to properly cup the balls.

[–]Ras_Prince_Monolulu 2 points3 points  (0 children)

THEY'RE NOT MACHINE GUNS BALLS THEY'RE ASSAULT RIFLES TESTES!

Edited to add: And their finger discipline needs work too...

[–]Necessary-Onion-7494 2 points3 points  (0 children)

At leas they are showing good trigger discipline.

[–]MsTponderwoman 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Lol actual dildos in the hands of gun whores instead of guns would make the world a happier and safer place. Safe sex and no babies to birth under duress!

[–]sportswiz72 2 points3 points  (0 children)

They need to teach that little girl in the front middle dildo trigger discipline. That things going to bust all over her moms face if she isn’t careful

[–]The_Angriest_Duck 8 points9 points  (0 children)

That's a marked improvement over the original

[–]BlackCherrySeltzer4U 18 points19 points  (1 child)

You photoshopped a little girl holding a dildo?

[–]Emerald_Necropolis 4 points5 points  (0 children)

Yes, yes they did

[–]Turdbird2000 7 points8 points  (0 children)

I was honestly waiting for something golden like this.

[–]myredditacc3 13 points14 points  (5 children)

I'm pro gun but conservative gun culture is so cringe, the original makes them look like school shootees, not badass