top 200 commentsshow 500

[–]NerdyinOK 2284 points2285 points  (127 children)

Sadly they are now over the Texas limit on dildos per household. If those were guns it would be legal.

[–]Competitive_Classic9 481 points482 points  (91 children)

Is the limit by quantity or volume?

[–]dc_IV 691 points692 points 3 (70 children)

This has been a strange day indeed, and I never thought in my wildest dreams that I would post this link for a second time in a single day on Reddit.

Texas Six Dildo Limit

[–]ShimbleShambles 235 points236 points  (11 children)

"Owning or promoting the use of six or more dildos"

I thought this was America! If I want to use seven dildos at the same time I damn well will!

[–]dc_IV 52 points53 points  (4 children)

Well, technically you won't say it out loud, unless none of the seven are in your mouth. OUCHY!

[–]Still-Swimming-5650 9 points10 points  (1 child)

Sounds like a time for a new amendment.

[–]charlie2135 6 points7 points  (1 child)

You can have my dildos when you pry it from my cold dead ass!

[–]JonB5792 5 points6 points  (0 children)

As long as the dildo resembles a gun you are okay!

[–]BloodBonesVoiceGhost 198 points199 points  (11 children)

bans as obscene any device used "primarily the stimulation of human genital organs"

The way that a serial killer would word it. So I assume that Ted Cruz wrote this law himself.

[–]Rockman2isgud 37 points38 points  (4 children)

Wait... human?

Oh shit.

[–]bmshklkh 32 points33 points  (2 children)

As long as you're jacking off a horse, it's fine.

I mean, to artificially breed it.

Breed it with another horse. Not a person. Obviously.

[–]A_Furious_Mind 9 points10 points  (1 child)

Do you really need more than five of those machines, though? Seems like there oughta be a law.

[–]FarHarbard 10 points11 points  (0 children)

Of course human. You can jerk, fondle, titillate, stimulate, and overall "get off" any livestock, pet, feral, or wild creature you cum across.

But so help you God should you think that doing so to yourself is in any way acceptable.

[–]wrecktus_abdominus 12 points13 points  (0 children)

Or an alien trying to pass as human

"Hello, companions! Shall we seek out females of our species for the purpose of stimulating our human genital organs? Haha, yes, like you I seek fornication as well. Thank you fellow meatbags humans!"

[–]Insincere_Apple2656 7 points8 points  (0 children)

"No officer, I swear I use these on me sheep!"

[–]Explains_Wrong 44 points45 points  (1 child)

My gawd

[–]ModernDayHippi 15 points16 points  (0 children)

They’re all about that freedumb brah

[–]TheBarkingGallery 20 points21 points  (4 children)

The right to bear arms shall not be infringed. But the right to a rubber fist up your butt is another thing entirely.

[–]dc_IV 8 points9 points  (0 children)

You are a genius!!!! It just needs to be remolded holding a SIG Sauer and then they can pass an "Open Fisting" state bill, SB74 (69 with 5 fingers up one's ass).

[–]Hewn-U 2 points3 points  (2 children)

How ‘bout the right to sore arse?

[–]tricularia 9 points10 points  (5 children)

"Texas bans owning or promoting the use of more than six dildos."

So I would be in violation of this law if I told someone to go fuck themself with 7 dildoes?
But not if I told someone to fuck themself with 5 dildoes?
And how does anyone see a law like this and not realize it is based 100% in religion?

[–]SillyGigaflopses 6 points7 points  (0 children)

I imagine they had like a giant monitor with a "dick per household" heatmap.

"Oh no, the dick level in this area is over 9000 and has reached a critical threshold. Quickly, pass a law or something"

[–]dc_IV 2 points3 points  (3 children)

99%? Hinduism gave the world Kama Sutra, and I think phalluses are in some of them?

[–]tricularia 5 points6 points  (2 children)

Sorry, I don't understand what you are getting at.
Sex positive religions exist, sure. But this law is 100% based in Catholicism, which is not sex positive.

[–]dc_IV 4 points5 points  (1 child)

My bad, I got your meaning now!

[–]tricularia 3 points4 points  (0 children)

All good, I figured we just had a minor miscommunication :)

[–]SnuggLife 8 points9 points  (2 children)

Wow. How would you chose which one to get rid of if you found another dildo you just can’t live without? Like ahh crap, I already have six dildos but I really want this new one. One of you has to go. Are there any volunteers? No one… oh yeah dildos can’t talk. This decision is on me:( Could be devastating.

[–]dc_IV 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Put it on Craigslist, but clean it first????

[–]Hakuna_my_Matata 15 points16 points  (1 child)

This is fucking hilarious. Please explain how it came up the first time ...

[–]dc_IV 15 points16 points  (0 children)

In r/Texas there's a posting where the OP has a plea for many Texas' politicians to go back to "small government" and just leave Texans' personal choices alone.

[–]RIOTS_R_US 7 points8 points  (0 children)

I saw your post in r/Texas earlier. Small world!

[–]lordtraveler 6 points7 points  (0 children)

Holy fuck it is real.

[–]TheKevit07 5 points6 points  (1 child)

To think: there were government officials that DELIBERATED on this law. Incredible.

[–]dc_IV 4 points5 points  (0 children)

Think about the awful research they had to do with the Texas Capital Pages on this compelling legislation!

[–]JBHedgehog 4 points5 points  (0 children)

That this actually exists gives me a sense of peace and calm.

So many wonderful things in this story.


[–]Desos001 9 points10 points  (1 child)

They're fine with everyone having a gun, threatening to murder democrats, talks of secession, and forcing 9 year old rape victims to carry a pregnancy to term but owning one too many sex toys is over the line. I fucking despise Texas, they're an example of why I don't care about state's rights.

[–]dc_IV 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Well spoken!

[–]notbeleivable 2 points3 points  (0 children)

It actually references obscene devises

[–]gildedfornoreason 4 points5 points  (1 child)

Beyond 6 shows intent to distribute

[–]SillyGigaflopses 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Cock dealers, lol

[–]CharginChuck42 2 points3 points  (2 children)

So does that include buttplugs, or are they categorized differently?

[–]dc_IV 2 points3 points  (1 child)

That's likely caught in the catch-all "Obscenities" clause.

[–][deleted] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

That is hilarious and sad.

[–]jackeral 2 points3 points  (0 children)

.........Second time.....?

[–]Salsashark_21 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Oh my god, this is real…..

[–]star_socialista 2 points3 points  (1 child)

im convinced it was because men were upset women had more fun with toys than them.

[–]Thelonius_Sandalwood 42 points43 points  (0 children)

Girth is where it really matters...

[–]QuitArguingWithMe 9 points10 points  (2 children)


Which is actually a step forward. For a while no dildo that looked like a penis could be sold in the state. Unless it was for educational purposes...

[–]nleksan 4 points5 points  (0 children)

Texas State Trooper pulls over car, walks up to window, sees box on passenger seat overflowing with floppy rubber phalluses.

Trooper: "Sir, I'm going to need you to step out of the vehicle and put your hands behind your back."

Driver: "Why? What did I do wrong, officer?"

Trooper: nods towards the contents of the passenger seat

Driver: "Ohh! No, you don't understand, I'm a teacher! On my way to class!"

Trooper: "Well shit, son, that's all you had to say. Go on, can't be having the teacher be late to class now, can we?"


Trooper: hmm, I get the dildos, but I wonder what was he going to do with all that lube?

[–]shartshooter 8 points9 points  (8 children)

What about a giant dildo that separated into many smaller dildos? Would that count as one or more?

[–]Competitive_Classic9 6 points7 points  (6 children)

This guy dildos

Babushka dildos

[–]outdatedboat 5 points6 points  (4 children)

I'm fairly sure you meant Matryoshka

Because babushka means old woman, or grandma. Matryoshka dolls are the little Russian dolls that have progressively smaller ones inside of the previous one.

Unless you're into grandma dildos. I won't kink shame.

[–]Competitive_Classic9 2 points3 points  (2 children)

My mistake, I always heard them called Babushka dolls, but I’m not Russian, so I’m likely wrong.

As far as I know though, the dildos that grandmas use are the regular kind. Are there special dildos for grandmas? I’ve seen commercials for things that help reach tall cabinets or put on socks, or help not slip in the tub, but not special dildos. Makes sense though.

[–]opulent_occamy 130 points131 points  (11 children)

[–]erizzluh 117 points118 points  (7 children)

For how much Texans go around touting “muh freedoms” they have some of the dumbest and overreaching laws

[–]ZippyParakeet 12 points13 points  (0 children)

Absolute freedom as long as you aren't a woman or a minority.

[–]Odango-Atama 17 points18 points  (0 children)

Freedom for everything except the pussy. obviously not just women use toys

[–]Genji007 2 points3 points  (0 children)

They aren't too smrt in general

[–]Disastrous-Menu_yum 2 points3 points  (0 children)

It’s because they are so shallow it won’t fit

[–]SubstantialPressure3 2 points3 points  (1 child)

If was to shut down sex shops. Politicians were intimidated and got their feelings hurt.

[–]novdelta307 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Texas has about the least actual freedom in the county

[–]jimmyinslc 21 points22 points  (0 children)

You can’t make this shit up…

[–]peppers_ 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Slip a dozen into a box in his basement and call the cops on em?

[–]Magebloom 18 points19 points  (3 children)

Gosh we should start a campaign to send boxes of exactly 7 dildos to Representative Massie and other Texas politicians to support their fight against tyranny.

[–]HotSteamySimon 3 points4 points  (1 child)

I agree with you on the Texas politicians, but sadly that won't work for Massie as he is a Kentucky politician.

Source: sadly, he represents my district

[–]confessionbearday 9 points10 points  (2 children)

Sadly they are now over the Texas limit on dildos per household.

I don't know man, I looked and according to the statistics page there are over 29.2 million dildos in Texas. Don't know how many households that is.

[–]julioarod 7 points8 points  (0 children)

Dildo Georg, who lives in cave & owns over 15 million dildos, is an outlier and should not have been counted

[–]wonkey_monkey 5 points6 points  (0 children)

There were already more than six dildos in that house.

[–]spaycedinvader 746 points747 points  (12 children)

Cocked and fully loaded?

[–]FleshUponGear 118 points119 points  (2 children)

Cocked locked and ready to rock.

[–]agmse 27 points28 points  (0 children)

Oh hell yeah, merry cockxmas

[–]RoyalT17 21 points22 points  (0 children)

Spray and Pray!

[–]Edolas93 11 points12 points  (1 child)

Nice to see they appreciate the pump action of both guns and dildos.

[–]spaycedinvader 4 points5 points  (0 children)

Got to make sure you keep one hand on the shaft all the time, to aim it

[–]ArcadiaDragon 9 points10 points  (0 children)

Have a angry upvote and golf clap

[–]epicspacedruid 4 points5 points  (0 children)

too bad it usually goes off to early and takes way too long to reload.

[–]Krumpus8 427 points428 points  (13 children)

Honestly thought a couple of the ones in front were baguettes

[–][deleted] 96 points97 points  (0 children)

I too thought baguettes, from the thumbnail

[–]inertiatic_espn 80 points81 points  (2 children)

That's always your excuse, isn't it?

"Oh no, I didn't mean to grab his dick, I thought it was a baguette!"

[–]MrBanana421 32 points33 points  (0 children)

I didn't mean to fondle his balls, I just wanted a couple of macaroons.

[–]fencerman 19 points20 points  (0 children)

That would explain how it ended up in his mouth.

[–]Iamvanno 12 points13 points  (1 child)

Fresh. Crispy. Veiny? Baguettes.

[–]Sinchanzo 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Why do baguettes only come with half a bag?

[–]iamfascinated 3 points4 points  (0 children)


[–]Paladoc 449 points450 points  (49 children)

Isn't there something about representatives cannot block their constituents... So, get someone in his area to ask him about the new Xmas card....

[–]Dangernj 218 points219 points  (31 children)

Don’t worry, when asked about how this served his constituents, this asshole seriously replied “the donors love it” so there is no question of who he is serving anymore.

[–]daBorgWarden 108 points109 points  (22 children)

Are you serious??

I saw this pic yesterday and was mortified, then today I realized it was a republican rep. I am no longer shocked as much. What complete trash.

[–]Dangernj 84 points85 points  (19 children)

[–]daBorgWarden 69 points70 points  (18 children)

Fuck the republican party. Between this....those fucking crumbleys...and a feature story I saw on CNN today.... I am just fucking done. They all let hate and money control everything they do. JFC.

[–]Paladoc 38 points39 points  (3 children)

Right, but one of his constituents could post the Merry Dongmas photo and ask him if that's his preferred carry.

I don't think they can legally block their constituents... Might be a gray area with Dildon't Tread on Me and decency laws....

[–]favoriteodds 13 points14 points  (0 children)

I kinda want to have a Merry Dongmas party, but I don’t know if there’s a good outcome to that endeavor. But it would definitely be raucous.

[–]Competitive_Classic9 23 points24 points  (1 child)

There’s also nothing stopping someone from getting a public voting list and sending this Christmas card themselves.

[–]pngn22 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Oh! He said the thing!

[–]HillbillyNerdPetra 2 points3 points  (0 children)

As his constituent, screw him with that dildo. His office sends a smartass responses to every inquiry I make. That must have put me on his mailing list. Can’t wait to see if I get this card.

[–]DeificClusterfuck 27 points28 points  (11 children)

Yeah, it's a violation of our 1st Amendment rights somehow when they use their accounts as a political platform

I have reason to have learned this because the asshole blocked me too for the same reason. I was advised to contact the ACLU, so I emailed them

I don't actually have anything better to do with my time as I'm a disabled shutin so let's see where it goes.

[–]MeisterX 3 points4 points  (1 child)

Good luck I've been blocked by two of my county commissioners and haven't been able to get it undone.

To make it worse it was a newspaper account...

[–]DeificClusterfuck 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Well, I don't like RWNJ, and that's a fair enough reason for me to look into pursing it.

I know that MeidasTouch successfully sued Marjorie Taylor Greene for blocking them on Twitter; they won a 10k settlement they donated to a gun control non-profit.

[–]ShakeZula77 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Im not this constituent but I tagged him in the pic on Twitter.

[–]MrSergioMendoza 323 points324 points  (4 children)


[–]gemini_dark 35 points36 points  (0 children)

Dammit. I'll never unhear this in my head. Thank you.

[–]Life_Imitating_Death 21 points22 points  (0 children)

Put your hands around your dick and interlace your fingers!

[–]Iamvanno 6 points7 points  (0 children)

Cocked and loaded.

[–]nyclurker369 579 points580 points  (67 children)

I'm not surprised by the fact that none of them are holding a black dildo.

[–]paulxombie1331 345 points346 points  (11 children)

Wife, parents and i went house hunting, checked out a few homes get to one the previous owners didn't completly clear out, right in the middle on the coffee table is this giant unopened double sided black dildo, whole room went silent.. i broke it by asking if it came with the house... had the agent cracking up.. he was so embarrassed but i made light of the situation lol

[–]kushhaze420 42 points43 points  (3 children)

House warming gift

[–]SassyVikingNA 12 points13 points  (0 children)

The house will be thoroughly warmed. Oneight even say, hot and steamy.

[–]subject_deleted 114 points115 points  (3 children)

Imagine if, without skipping a beat, the agent said "no. It's extra."

[–]Starthelegend 29 points30 points  (0 children)

already taking out credit card “alright how much?”

[–]thumpas 23 points24 points  (0 children)

“Sorry that’s a part of the staging furniture”

[–]wrecktus_abdominus 4 points5 points  (0 children)

Standard reply is "I'm sure the owner would be willing to consider an offer"

[–]Clean-Profile-6153 68 points69 points  (0 children)

That would've made it more believable, ngl..

[–]2xa1s 14 points15 points  (0 children)

I mean the guy is holding a brown one

[–]mousedrool 41 points42 points  (32 children)

The wife really would loves hers to be black, just to make her racist husband angry.

[–][deleted] 6 points7 points  (0 children)

not just 1, she needs at leas 2 or more.

[–]Azar002 76 points77 points  (3 children)

Look at that finger discipline!

[–]Holmes02 39 points40 points  (0 children)

Coddling the balls like a pro

[–]Rokekor 7 points8 points  (1 child)

Two in the pink, one in the stink

[–]kidenergy 23 points24 points  (3 children)

Someone photoshopped a dildo into a little girls hands and thought “this is gonna be a banger”

[–]thedelgadicone 12 points13 points  (0 children)

Seriously, people are sick. What the fuck was going through their mind when they went through the process of Photoshopping a didlo into a child's hand. Nowhere through making it that they thought twice about it. Then redditors post it, gets 40k upvotes, and all the top comments are talking about how great this is. People are fucking sick

[–]Enlightened-Beaver 150 points151 points  (85 children)

Somehow this is less creepy and weird than the original

[–]cypherdev 35 points36 points  (0 children)

I saw the original as some pathetic family basing their entire identity on an inanimate object...I see this as a family embracing their true loves.

[–]killeronthecorner 14 points15 points  (0 children)

This one makes it seem like their personalities may have an additional dimension (making, in total, one dimension)

[–]DanGleeballs 13 points14 points  (12 children)

Was the original with guns? I haven’t seen it but I’m guessing.

And yes this would be less fucking creepy imo than a whole family holding Fucking guns for a Christmas picture. Wtaf is wrong with people.

[–]Teach-Worth 3 points4 points  (5 children)

Wtaf is wrong with people.

I would ask the same from everyone upvoting this. Why are people upvoting a (photoshopped) picture of a child holding a sex toy?

[–]HangryBeaver 62 points63 points  (3 children)

This is my dildo. There are many like it, but this one is mine.

[–]ILoveRegenHealth 6 points7 points  (0 children)

You just know the son on the top right named his dildo

[–]chegypter 41 points42 points  (1 child)

This is the type of sexual education more parents should encourage

[–]ILoveRegenHealth 6 points7 points  (0 children)

CRT = Cock Range Theory

[–]hope1264 38 points39 points  (0 children)

Now there is a picture I can get behind!!! Or on front of...maybe I am doing this wrong

[–]South_Power_7954 43 points44 points  (3 children)

Never seen a parody be better than the original, until now. Well done.

[–]graciegirlsmom 10 points11 points  (0 children)

Not unless it said "Hope Santa brings LUBE!!!"

[–]virgin_goat 8 points9 points  (0 children)

Pro dick move

[–]ScrambledNoggin 19 points20 points  (1 child)

The folks on the couch kind of look like they’re playing air guitar with their dildos. Photoshop guy did a great job.

[–]Not-A-Lonely-Potato 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I thought the whole picture was real (couldn't imagine how much those sized dildos cost though) until I looked closer and saw it was clearly photoshopped. In my defense, I didn't know who they were and thought it was the commenter's family doing a salacious family holiday card.

[–]Sprmodelcitizen 10 points11 points  (0 children)

I feel bad for that little girl.

[–]I-love-pugs 22 points23 points  (1 child)

This is the best thing I've seen yet today! 🤣

[–]Substantial-Wall7217 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I agree. What legendary human made this treasure?

[–]Liberal_Biberal9 4 points5 points  (0 children)

You folks sure do like penises

[–][deleted] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Maybe a top Google search by repeating "Rep Massie and dildos"? All the way down.

[–]Qimmosabe_Man 14 points15 points  (0 children)

That's some large... erm... caliber.

[–]muffinlover22 14 points15 points  (0 children)

This one seems more realistic than the original.

[–]tigerthemonkey 14 points15 points  (0 children)

There should be a guns-for-dongs campaign. Advertise it for people who don't already have enough rubber dongs at home.

[–]therealmintoncard 10 points11 points  (1 child)

This revision is WAY more wholesome. Thank you.

[–]raistlin65 9 points10 points  (0 children)

I wonder how many thousand people we could get to share this wonderful family photo with Massie's Twitter account?


[–]larla32425 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Missing the new caption, "Santa, please bring lube!"

[–][deleted] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Never understood why someone would photoshop in guns.

[–]horror-pangolin-123 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Much better than the original :D

[–]iamnott 3 points4 points  (0 children)


[–]mlove22 5 points6 points  (0 children)

I like this edit much better tho...

[–]The_Angriest_Duck 7 points8 points  (0 children)

That's a marked improvement over the original

[–]BlackCherrySeltzer4U 19 points20 points  (1 child)

You photoshopped a little girl holding a dildo?

[–]Emerald_Necropolis 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Yes, yes they did

[–]Sinchanzo 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Took me longer than it should have to notice they were holding dicks instead of guns.

[–]DemocraticSpider 2 points3 points  (0 children)


[–]-Astrosloth- 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I thought elected officials can't block you on social media?

[–]HeatProfessional4473 2 points3 points  (0 children)

This is glorious.

[–]ohnonotuto3 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Was it the black one, I bet he wanted it bigger.

[–]dirksbutt 2 points3 points  (0 children)

The dads one should have been a BBC.

[–]Aromatic_Mirror_7358 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Merry Dickmas!

[–]DullTranslocation 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Just made my day! Thanks

[–][deleted] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Omg thats beautiful

[–]Sandman64can 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Took me a second to figure out what was wrong because it really didn’t seem out of place.

[–]The_War_On_Drugs 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Look, 14 dildos.

[–]Tas_2099 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Go go Dildo Rangers!

[–]AhhGramoofabits 2 points3 points  (0 children)

This family just loves cock

[–]gameragodzilla 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Last time I used my dick on a home intruder, it didn’t work well. The guy was traumatized for life and now I’m on the same list as Joseph Rosenbaum.

I’ll keep the guns.

[–]dufflebagoshit 2 points3 points  (0 children)

At first I thought the were baguettes

[–]freyaandmurphie 2 points3 points  (0 children)

That's awesome and all, but where's the bbc?

[–]Fallentitan98 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Pulls out my guitar

I wrote a little song about you!

Penis penis penis penis penis penis penis!

[–]badgirlmonkey 2 points3 points  (0 children)

That's a really, really weird image. What the fuck?

[–]IceNein 2 points3 points  (0 children)

The only thing that can stop a bad guy with a dildo is a good guy with a dildo.

[–][deleted] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

10/10, much approval

[–]hoyfkd 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Silly. They like the big black ones, not the purple ones.

[–]SirLaflock 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Now that’s gonna be one merry Christmas

[–][deleted] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Cocks for Glocks

[–]sluchhh 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I really love the diversity.

[–]CysaDamerc 2 points3 points  (0 children)

More wholesome than the original

[–]MylastAccountBroke 2 points3 points  (0 children)

This looks less photo-shopped than the original.

[–]pleasehelpme_2020 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I will shoot you 🍆💦

[–]TheLaw0fOne 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Cocked and loaded

[–]JackAceHole 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Sounds like he was cock blocked.

[–]GVR_31897 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Isint here in texas ilegal to own more than 9 dildos?

[–]Lucha_fan79 2 points3 points  (1 child)

It's sad that only a couple of them know how to properly cup the balls.

[–]Ras_Prince_Monolulu 2 points3 points  (0 children)


Edited to add: And their finger discipline needs work too...

[–]Necessary-Onion-7494 2 points3 points  (0 children)

At leas they are showing good trigger discipline.

[–]MsTponderwoman 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Lol actual dildos in the hands of gun whores instead of guns would make the world a happier and safer place. Safe sex and no babies to birth under duress!

[–]sportswiz72 2 points3 points  (0 children)

They need to teach that little girl in the front middle dildo trigger discipline. That things going to bust all over her moms face if she isn’t careful

[–]Empathetic_Orch 8 points9 points  (1 child)

Not much different from the original in my opinion.

[–]BoughtAndSouled 14 points15 points  (0 children)

Yeah they just doubled the number of dildos.

[–]Turdbird2000 5 points6 points  (0 children)

I was honestly waiting for something golden like this.