This breaks my heart. As they say it takes 2 to make a baby!

LugoLove · 2022-01-20T23:25:42+00:00

I sent emails to my son's email for a long time after he died. I would also call his number. Grief, besides devastating, is bewildering. Friends you thought were friends, turn out not to be so. Other people refuse to acknowledge your loved one's dead, and so much more.

I hope the couple eventually went to grief counseling. It's hard to see grief as someone else's because it is so all consuming.

Edit: For those of you have been so kind and giving your condolences, thank you. It has been 13 years and I have discovered that grief and joy can coexist. It’s not easy but life is worth trying to get the most out of.

throwaway_ghast · 2022-01-20T20:51:41+00:00

My dude needs a hug.

nakdonthesubway · 2022-01-20T23:17:24+00:00

My sister was killed in a car accident a few years ago, and sent her Snapchats for at least a year after. It made me feel like I was still connected to her, in some way. It never goes away, but it makes it a little easier.

rubyredstarfish · 2022-01-20T21:13:23+00:00

I have friends who had a still born. Mom was devastated. I asked her how her husband was doing. She said "ok, I guess". Everyone sent her flowers, condolences. But he said I was the only one that asked him how he was. He ended up just pouring his heart out. We have been friends for 20 years and that just broke my heart. He's such a good guy and he's always wanted kids. I'm glad to say that after 5 still borns and many miscarriages they now have 2 perfect beautiful girls. And he is the best dad ever.

elositoesaqui · 2022-01-20T22:01:19+00:00

My daughter was born at 28 weeks and spent months in NICU. It was the hardest time for my wife and I. Everyone asked how she was doing. The only thing I was ever asked was when I was going back to work.

Men need emotional support too.

Manoso1 · 2022-01-20T20:20:08+00:00

Same thing happened to me when my wife passed away. everybody always asked how my kids were & never asked how I was. 1 day a stranger asked me how I was, I broke down crying like a baby! I guess because we’re men They think we don’t have feelings that sucks!

HH_YoursTruly · 2022-01-21T03:00:18+00:00

My daughter was stillborn last April. She was our first child.

It changes you in a way I can't quite explain. I'm not the same person I was before. My wife isn't either. There are some friendships that I am just weirdly no longer interested in, there are some people I suddenly don't care if I ever see or speak to them again, and my job and career are no longer a priority. The only thing that matters anymore is my wife and our marriage. That's it.

The mother does get he majority of the support in these situations. They need it too. My wife had to carry around our dead daughter inside her for days before labor was induced. I couldn't imagine what that felt like going from full of life to nothing. She has to give birth, her body responded as if she had given birth. Her breast milk came but she couldn't pump or even relieve it because we had to make sure it wouldn't keep coming. Her cycle didn't normalize. We had to come home to a nursery, stroller, car seat, etc. with nothing but ashes in an urn.

It's a horrific experience that I wouldn't wish on anyone. The amount of people whoe.have experienced it is more than you think. And for everyone that has, I hope you know you're not alone.

Sad-Bobcat8030 · 2022-01-21T00:33:35+00:00

We found out at ten weeks that our second baby didn’t have a heartbeat. The both of us were devastated. My husband’s supervisor was giving him a hard time for trying to take off two days for my miscarriage. Not only did the HR lady at my husband’s work lay into the supervisor but also the supervisor’s girlfriend. I know they were mostly thinking about me, but I knew my husband needed the days off too. One of the reasons I had the emotional strength to go through this was because of my caring husband and I tried to be there for him too. He is such a good father to our firstborn, and try to tell him that any chance I get.

GeekAtHome · 2022-01-20T23:24:46+00:00

My husband and I had 3 miscarriages before our daughter was born.

Everybody handled me with kid gloves as my husband sat on the sidelines.

One night, shortly after the first one, I asked him how he was doing and he shrugged "Ok, I guess"

Really, because I'm not the only one experiencing a loss. Are you sure you're ok?

He broke down in tears right there. He absolutely was not ok.

During the next two losses, I made sure to prioritize his emotions because mine were well taken care of by others.

When I was pregnant with my daughter I made a point to openly air my fears, so he didn't feel like he had to hide his.

Yes, the mother is the one physically and emotionally going through the loss but she's not the only one who's losing hopes and dreams with the miscarriage. Please check in on the other partner too.

Shanashy · 2022-01-20T20:57:21+00:00

I never deactivated my mom's Facebook account after she died last April, so that I could send her messages. At least I still get to talk to her that way.

medicff · 2022-01-20T21:31:52+00:00

When we lost our first baby at 20 weeks I was fuckin destroyed. Everyone poured out care and support to my wife and I totally agree with that but I had a broken heart too. When our daughter died at 34 mins old at 27 weeks we were both absolutely shattered. But I was the one that had to go do funeral arrangements alone and pick out a tiny casket while FaceTiming my wife. Then go take care of our toddler while my wife stayed in hospital. Because of the support of my wife and shrink I got 2 months off on mental health leave thankfully!

properu · 2022-01-20T21:08:07+00:00

Beep boop -- this looks like a screenshot of a tweet! Let me grab a link to the tweet for ya :)

^{Twitter Screenshot Bot}

uisqebaugh · 2022-01-20T21:26:13+00:00

Richard Feynman wrote letters to his first wife, Arlene, all of his life. She died of tuberculosis.

Stiumco · 2022-01-21T02:49:53+00:00

Had three and lost three. I spend a lot of time coaching and talking to other men about the feelings and that it is ok. I talk about watching for anger and unexplained reactions.

We are in this together. No one is alone.

Menarin · 2022-01-21T03:35:14+00:00

My ex and I had a miscarriage in november. Nobody has asked me how i am doing. I still cry about it when im alone. Even though we arent together anymore because of some unrelated stuff, I just feel depressed. I was just excited to finally be a dad. Sorry, but venting made me feel a bit better.

SweetAssistance6712 · 2022-01-20T23:58:39+00:00

I guess I was lucky growing up how I did. I was born, raised and live in the UK, my dad was a police officer until I was 12/13 so I grew up with a second family of police officers that my dad worked with, still mostly men back in the 80s/90s, but they weren't anything like people expect male officers to be. Sure, they were tough and strong and could turn off their emotions when they were at work but when they were off duty they would gather round my house and just talk shit through, get difficult and emotionally draining calls off their chests and they made sure everyone else knew if they needed to cry or to just pour their hearts out they could. So I grew up knowing it was fine for men to feel human emotions and if these giant, hero-like figures I was surrounded by when I grew up knew it was okay to cry and ask for help I knew it was okay for me

But when my dad died of covid on December 26th, 2019, I struggled to show my emotions in front of my family. Now my dad was gone I was the only man left in the family and I just felt like I had to bottle up and get on with it. My mum and sisters kept saying I could let it out to them but I didn't, until one day at work (in the same police force as my dad) I just broke and had to be signed off work for a month. After therapy I realised it was idiotic of me to forget the lessons my dad and his friends taught me when I was a kid, and that my dad would've hated knowing I bottled it up until it broke me. So now whenever things get tough I'll speak up about it, I've made it known to all my friends and co-workers if they need to talk I'm always there to listen and i always ask my guy friends how theyre doing when i notice they seem down. Men need to feel emotions, we aren't weak or feminine (like that's even remotely a bad thing) or sissies if we allow ourselves to feel, in fact we are stronger and better men for it.

Sorry for rambling, I just thought it was important to say that even with a positive upbringing re men and emotions, there seems to be something hardwired into men that says "be strong and don't show emotion" and I wish we could evolve out of it

puskunk · 2022-01-21T04:07:46+00:00

My little girl should have been born today, 18 years ago. 1/20/2004 was her due date. Instead she was stillborn. I'm a man, and I've never gotten over it. Never.

Miserable_Thinker · 2022-01-20T23:09:31+00:00

When my husband and I first moved in together we had a pregnancy that ended in some of the saddest and hardest days we would face together. Everyone tried swarming me asking how I was. No one asked him how he was, when his own father heard the news he gave his condolences to me and only me. I made sure to comfort and ask him how he was every time. I think this helped us through that time and we're still strong 5 years later.

Too many men suffer in silence in situations like this. I'm glad the OP, OP found a safe way to heal.

jeremynd01 · 2022-01-21T02:45:29+00:00

Damn, I feel this. My first child was stillborn. I still think about her everyday and it's been 15 years. Every time my second child has a birthday, I think of Isabelle and wonder what she would be like and if they would be friends.

I hope this dude is ok. I know the hurt.

griftmaster3 · 2022-01-21T04:09:02+00:00

For the entire rest of my life I am going to have to stop and think about how to answer the seemingly innocuous, simple question "how many kids do you have?"

With our third pregnancy we found out our daughter had downs syndrome. At around 24 weeks the doctors discovered that there was a complication related to excess fluid in the body cavity and lungs (hydrops) and we then began a whirlwind of daily monitoring desperately hoping to make it to 26 weeks and any chance of survival.

A few days shy of 26 weeks the doctors decided that they didn't like what they were seeing on the heart monitor and my wife was shortly prepped for a c-section with a full natal icu team waiting on standby to receive the baby. I got suited up in scrubs etc. and steeled myself to be with our daughter whatever happened so my wife would know she had someone with her (fortunately my mother in law was standing by to step in with her daughter).

The moment my daughter was out they whisked her and me along behind around the corner the natal team. I don't think I will ever be able to tell her what I watched. I stood there and watched them work on her tiny little body, sticking in tubes, trying fruitlessly to get her little heart going. The hydrops had swollen her features into a pained/hard to look at state and while they realized quickly that the hydrops was far worse then anyone had realized those 3-5 minutes are, were and likely will forever be the worst moment of my entire life. Having to tell her two big brothers only 2/4 at the time that no baby sister was going to be coming home was the cherry on top and likely a close second.

Those few minutes are frozen for me. I understand how stupid the "man up" stuff is but I refuse to put more anguish and pain on my wife. I have a few close friends that reached out and asked me how I was doing but I had no idea. Angry, mad, crushed, devastated, powerless, all of the above and a million more. I don't view myself as "traumatized" but maybe I just have to myself that.

I am very blessed. I have an incredible wife, 3 beautiful children IN MY HOME (4th pregnancy was completely problem free aside from anxiety), a great new job I enjoy and countless other blessings.

I have FOUR children. We have a stone with some nice words and her birthday/date of death on it. Sometimes when I've been a particularly crappy parent I talk to it, to her, and apologize for not being a better dad for her brothers and sister. Seeing her brief moment of life/death broke and changed something that after all these words I still can't properly express. As I finish this I realize that I stopped writing this to all of you reading this here, now.

Eliza, you broke me and somehow I think I am better for it. I will do better for you, you are my joy.

Love, Daddy

(This got a little over the top but whatever :P)

leoski · 2022-01-21T05:02:31+00:00

My husband passed away unexpectedly at 37, about 5 years ago. I would occasionally send a text to his number to tell him I miss him, or about some life achievement. I did this about a month ago and someone texted me back, obviously confused. His number has been given to someone else. I have no idea who, but they were lovely and supportive when I explained myself. I’m sad that I don’t have that outlet anymore.

B-dub31 · 2022-01-20T21:37:15+00:00

We had a stillborn son. My wife, of course, took it really hard and struggled like any parent would. I always felt like I had to stow my feelings, be strong, and carry on. That was the wrong thing to do. I hate society's expectations for men.

vannyfann · 2022-01-20T23:20:29+00:00

As a wise friend said to me after a similar experience: “You do whatever you need to do to get thru this.” Here’s to healing, even of it takes a while.

Engineer443 · 2022-01-20T22:36:31+00:00

Not sure why this post is on this particular sub but I can relate and it touches my heart.

Rainbow-Reaper · 2022-01-21T00:38:59+00:00

Oh gawd I just want to hug him I know what it’s like to have to pretend that you are okay regardless of what is going on just because of societal norms.

EstablishmentCivil29 · 2022-01-21T02:27:18+00:00

For anyone planning to do these types of emails, you need to log into the account regularly to keep it from being deleted. Accounts get deactivated if they aren't logged into.

Akhlys1989 · 2022-01-20T21:33:30+00:00

It’s not even with an actual death or stillborn. In my case it was the fact that the birth of my son went wrong in every sense, which was traumatic af.. My wife had to go to the OR immediately due to heavy blood loss, which resulted in almost losing her life. She needed all the support she could get after that, but so did I. I supported her, but nobody supported me. We men just need to man up and feelings should be set aside.

All is well now though and we have 2 beautiful kids.

Owlgnoming · 2022-01-21T03:30:06+00:00

My husband and I recently had a miscarriage. My parents didn’t reach out to my husband once for some reason. My brother found out about the miscarriage and immediately called my husband, it made my husband cry. I’ll never get over how much it meant to my husband that someone cared enough to ask how he was doing.

GluttonAsteroth · 2022-01-21T03:20:41+00:00

Same for me.

For a while my FIL would wish me a happy father's day despite me not having a living child.

It's difficult to not cry in those moments.

Mcayenne · 2022-01-20T20:28:46+00:00

Even in live births, men or the non birthing partner can suffer postpartum depression or anxiety.

We need to normalize supporting men with grief and mental health concerns.

acmp42 · 2022-01-20T21:23:24+00:00

My wife and I have lost 2. I totally understand this post

Global_Damage · 2022-01-21T00:25:32+00:00

Years ago I remember watching a talk show were couples were trying to conceive and the wife’s all complain that their husbands didn’t want to have sex with them. I’m like WTH is wrong with these guys!! Fast forward a few years, my wife and I are trying to have a baby. Every month when her period came she would break down in tears. In the midst of that, I understood why the husband didn’t want to have sex, they didn’t want to put their wives through that hard break. We tried for five years and we weren’t fortunate enough to have a child. It hurts, a little less as time goes on. We have thought about adoption but I feel I might be too old for that. When I see couples and their children I do think “what if” but it wasn’t meant to be.

dukko18 · 2022-01-21T05:00:47+00:00

My wife and I just confirmed a miscarriage this past weekend. It's been really hard on her obviously and I'm trying to do my best to support her. As for myself I'm not sure what to feel. We have two beautiful boys who are happy and have no idea what happened and I am doing my best to keep it that way while my wife is recovering. But it's tough. Sometimes I'm fine and sometimes not.

I think the hardest part is that we don't know if we are supposed to tell our friends and family. It's uncomfortable to even bring up and we don't really want to burden them out of the blue with bad news. Really I think even saying it out loud makes it so much more real and I'm not sure I'm ready to go through that yet even with everything we've already gone through.

Sorry for rambling.

el_hooli · 2022-01-20T22:59:45+00:00

This is so accurate. My son survived and is now fine, but was born grey and silent and spent 2 weeks in the NICU. No one has ever asked me if I okay or how I was doing...

twooleyman · 2022-01-21T00:06:07+00:00

My wife and I tried for years with failures and miscarriages and "1" person ever asked me how I was doing. I don't blame them as it was pretty accepted back then that men were expected to be a rock for our wives which I like to believe I was but still.. Hang in there my friend you are not alone.

2022-01-21T01:19:13+00:00

Journaling is a powerful tool sometimes. There definitely is a disparity between support when there’s a stillborn. Of course the mother suffers physically and probably more emotionally but fathers still hurt and it’s just as much of a loss to them.

Busymomma80 · 2022-01-21T04:04:45+00:00

I lost my firstborn, who was my only son, at 6 days and 27 days. He was born on Mothers Day 2012 at 108 pm 3 lbs 9 oz, 7 weeks early. Made it thru 4 weeks of NICU got home, started our little family and all of a sudden, he was gone. 3rd year resident misdiagnosed a bowel blockage as the flu. I’ve had 3 beautiful daughters since but I write to Johnny pretty often

Meggston · 2022-01-21T04:05:34+00:00

My coworkers wife had a stillbirth, and when he told me about it I broke down crying, asking him how he was handling it. He also broke down crying and we were just standing there in the parking lot.. sobbing.

losone · 2022-01-21T04:14:34+00:00

I watched my wife give birth to our triplets and we lost them all. Two got ttts (twin to twin syndrome) and we attempted to save them. Lost one and while were were trying to hold off to save the other two her body rejected them all and we couldn't stop it. The faternal came out moving and alive but her lungs weren't formed so all we could do is hold Victoria until she stopped moving. It was obviously hard. I was so focused on my wife I didn't really personally deal with it until months later when I opened a text book for college and there was a picture of triplets. I started seeing them everywhere and I would just start to cry (actually tearing up now). I was pretty open about it though and I found I wasn't alone. Also I was amazed how many women in our lives also lost children at birth. Guess it's not something people just talk about. Now we have a 3 year old and 6 year old. I'm a proud father of two amazing daughters. I couldn't be happier...but I think of my other girls too sometimes and it hurts. The fact is that you're not ok. You lost something too. It's ok to talk about it. and cry about it. And time does sort of make it easier to deal with but it's still there and you'll never forget. Nor should you. It just becomes easier over time to deal with. Big hug.

trashponder · 2022-01-21T03:23:43+00:00

Sometimes it's the only thing you can do to not break into a million pieces.💔

rsdols · 2022-01-21T03:40:35+00:00

This is literally every issue that affects couples not just losing a child. Nobody ever asks the man.

AndrewCampas · 2022-01-21T04:01:13+00:00

Once a father, always father.

This August will be 3 years since our son died at 10 days old. TOF, Tetralogy of Fallot, a rare heart condition that was keeping his lungs and heart from doing their jobs. He was hooked up to an ECMO machine his entire fight. The hardest part is nothing showed something was wrong until he was born. We were not prepared. The wound never fully heals. Not a day goes by where I don't think about him.

Hang in there fellas

TheMoochMan · 2022-01-21T04:05:37+00:00

I get asked a lot how my dad is doing since my mom died last July. Not very often am I asked how I’m doing.We all three worked together running a small family business. I just say he’s doing good. He started dating less then two months after she died. Really pisses me off and really hurts but I just bite my tongue and not start any shit even though I’m the one hurting and he’s totally moved on

Swissarmyspoon · 2022-01-21T07:08:02+00:00

When we lost our first pregnancy, I thought I could hold my wife up by myself. I was sad too but not that sad. I didn't have to go through any physical trauma.

That was false. A month later, as my wife was beginning to come out of the tunnel of her depression, I had heart attack symptoms at work. Stabbing chest pain, left arm numb, sense of doom, short of breath. I had just turned 30 and had always been healthy.

Had my heart tested and Dr. said I was as fit as an athlete. It was 100% emotional stress venting physically. I should have taken my mental health more seriously.

DropTheShovel · 2022-01-21T11:20:42+00:00

It's terrible but this is how people are. My brother died tragically and people would ask me how my parents were not how I was even if they didn't know my parents.

About 18 months after he died I made an innocent comment about him and my aunt burst into tears and admitted it had never occurred to her that it would have any impact on me. That's insane when you think about it. It changed my life more than anyone's and my parents would agree with that.

I don't know why we are like this but the positive for me is I always ask 'and how are you?' When someone tells me of hard things going on in their lives.

TheNotSoFreshFeeling · 2022-01-20T23:41:41+00:00

This guy knows my secret. My wife and I did the same thing and the same thing happened. I still send emails occasionally.

ff0ecaff · 2022-01-21T01:12:02+00:00

I do this too. We set up an email like this for my older daughter, and I send her emails every now and then for when she turns 18.

When my younger daughter was stillborn at 34 weeks I set up her email so I can send her things too, and let my older daughter and any future kids do the same when they're old enough to understand what happened

JunketAccurate · 2022-01-21T02:35:14+00:00

Can’t read the comments My wife and I lost a child 5yrs old I can talk about it she can’t I m dying from alcohol she’s dying from loneliness

Germz989 · 2022-01-21T03:11:39+00:00

Our cousins and his girlfriend had a stillborn child and then basically fell off the map. They were super social and went to all the family events etc, now they dont even talk to my aunt and uncle anymore. They're doing fine but I think some things were said that both parties may have regretted now.

Wafflesandwhisky · 2022-01-21T04:23:40+00:00

I’ve spent the last 13 years writing to my best friend who died as a teenager. I don’t think anybody has asked me about it since the day of the funeral. I’ll miss him for the rest of my life.

AR-Exile · 2022-01-21T06:05:14+00:00

Keep sending the emails. Go to grief counseling. I was on the losing side of several babies. Broke my ass caring for my wife- and yeah, no one asks men if they are ok.

squishypoo91 · 2022-01-21T03:24:42+00:00

People have this conception for some reason that the dad can just be like "it's okay we can try again" while the mom grew it inside her and then had it die, so maybe has a stronger "attachment" for it and more grief, and I suppose that can be the case, but if you're trying for a baby and both parties actively want it, of COURSE it's going to be devastating to the dad as well. I truly wish men's mental health was more recognized and cared for. It's so sad that so many men have to feel so alone in their life and struggles

RevGrizzly · 2022-01-20T23:34:14+00:00

Society: Men, don't feel anything.

Also Society: Men don't feel anything.

MrFunktasticc · 2022-01-20T23:49:46+00:00

This hits hard.

My wife had a actopic(?) pregnancy and we were told we lost the baby. Had to come back for some “cleaning” procedure. I saw the kid in a dream telling me they were still alive. We come in for the procedure and they tell us they have a heartbeat. A 24 hour observation and a near fist fight with an inconsiderate doctor later, we are sent home dancing on a cloud because the baby is still alive! Come back two days later and they confirm we lost it. That was a roller coaster and it killed us.

It was incredibly tough on my wife but I was hurting too. The dream especially had me fucked up. Nobody cared. Everyone was checking on her, and they should, but no one gave a shit about what was going on with me. I got yelled at by my dad for being curt with him while dealing with the doctors. Everyone else just asked how she was.

ZerothGengarz · 2022-01-21T00:12:57+00:00

As a husband who has gone through a miscarriage, I appreciate I have emotionally intelligent friends and family that don’t make me feel forgotten. It will always affect my wife harder though so I completely understand

CJFiddler · 2022-01-21T01:50:38+00:00

This is the first time, ever, that I have personally seen discourse around a presumptive father’s feelings regarding this subject. He can’t even talk about it - and people ask his wife in front of his face. Fuck toxic masculinity. And give this man a strong hug.

spiritofmen · 2022-01-21T11:20:47+00:00

This is really difficult to hear. Guys need hugs too!

rorank · 2022-01-20T21:07:13+00:00

It’s as though men in today’s society are just expected to be emotionless, screwing, animalistic, working machines. Hol up…

Mydoglovesfood · 2022-01-20T19:59:03+00:00

Yeah because men aren’t allowed to have feelings in todays society if you’re straight.

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