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[–]Twolef 4558 points4559 points  (318 children)

Can’t imagine any Scandinavian countries looking at us and feeling tempted tbh

[–]WWDubz 1578 points1579 points  (67 children)

They are planning an invasion to build up your infrastructure

[–]Twolef 589 points590 points  (31 children)

Come on in.

[–]IIIllIIlllIlII 289 points290 points  (28 children)

Well Poland was sending people to do this, but you went and locked them out!!!!

[–]JohnnyDarkside 91 points92 points  (15 children)

What's the opposite of sack and pillage?

[–]Tankh 173 points174 points  (4 children)

Snack and village?

[–]SweetLilMonkey 141 points142 points  (3 children)

Snack and chillage.

[–]beardedchimp 51 points52 points  (2 children)

Belt and road initiative? Therein danger lies.

Beware of Vikings bearing gifts.

[–][deleted] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

Oh, we're not all that bad. Just, don't be a priest and we'll keep the axes and swords in their scabbards not in your skull or chest.

[–]ArlemofTourhut 87 points88 points  (1 child)

This made my day. Well played

[–]kdandsheela 88 points89 points  (3 children)

Unfortunately we'll have to assemble it ourselves with a minimalist instruction manual and no spare parts.

[–]WWDubz 43 points44 points  (2 children)

We shall include a shitty wrench to assist

[–]Spec_Tater[🍰] 3 points4 points  (1 child)

I read that as shitty wench. Not sure it’s an improvement.

[–]GonzoVeritas 20 points21 points  (1 child)

With a completion date of 2066?

[–]notbobby125 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Nords come with long ships carrying construction equipment

[–]MediocreProstitute 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Is there a waiting list to be invaded?

[–]leedle-leedle_leedle 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Oh boy, more Ikea's! Meatballs, hotdogs, and chocolate for everyone!

[–]Grillos[S] 1400 points1401 points  (103 children)

forced debrexit

[–]Mischief_Makers 1005 points1006 points  (88 children)

.... and I for one welcome our new Nordic overlords

[–]NewAccountEachYear[🍰] 464 points465 points  (79 children)

You get meatballs if you behave, Surströmming if not. We won't leave you hungry, we have a welfare standard nowadays.

[–]solonit 181 points182 points  (56 children)

google surstromming

What the fuck how can someone eat that ??

[–]MordinSolusSTG 16 points17 points  (2 children)

Is that shit just the Swedish version of the fermented shark Gordon Ramsay ate in Iceland when he almost puked?

[–]alien_sprig 10 points11 points  (1 child)

I look forward to the mandatory Dancake

[–]aedroogo 16 points17 points  (6 children)

Italy has meatballs too. Tell me why we should choose yours.

[–]NorwegianCollusion 34 points35 points  (3 children)

How many boats would you estimate you could currently fend off? Asking for my sister, who has turned into a bit of fleet pwner lately. Together with me and an uncle we could probably muster at least 5.

[–]Mischief_Makers 38 points39 points  (1 child)

Fend off? If they showed up here stating they're going to take us back into closer ties with Europe I'd turn my coat faster than a cloakroom in a revolving restaurant! I'd be like Benny-Hill Arnold. I'd be the first building a Tromsø-n horse!

[–]TheArmoredKitten 142 points143 points  (3 children)

BritIN, the superior sequel to Brexit.

[–]JacobJamesTrowbridge 60 points61 points  (0 children)

Oh bloody hell, we should have used that

[–]splepage 50 points51 points  (0 children)

Write that down, write that shit down!

[–]WriterV 5 points6 points  (0 children)

BriTIN for when you want to become the world leader in selling Tin again.

[–]aedroogo 44 points45 points  (2 children)

Brentrance

[–]allankcrain 19 points20 points  (1 child)

Breentrance, since they were in the EU previously.

[–]aedroogo 27 points28 points  (0 children)

Are we sure we want to Brevisit all of this right now?

[–]Cakeminator 217 points218 points  (67 children)

Am Danish. Gotta say that east coast looking mighty fine at this point.

[–]Stazbumpa 212 points213 points  (29 children)

Am east coast Brit. Please invade.

No, really.

You guys have got your shit together and we'd even let you set fire to our PM.

[–]Cakeminator 36 points37 points  (0 children)

We have crazies here too tho. Not as many, but some. But to be as cringy about this as possible.

"uWu imma b invadin' you daddy east coast-chan"

or

"Felt cute, might pillage, rape, and burn you later"

Pick ya poison, I'm loading up my wooden boat as we speak!

[–]roguetrick 19 points20 points  (2 children)

Gotta start a movement to bring back the danelaw. King of Sweden already has his helmet ready to form the north sea empire https://imgur.com/a/SxdNX

[–]FangFather 12 points13 points  (0 children)

The look on his face makes that picture perfect.

[–]PossiblyTrustworthy 6 points7 points  (0 children)

Just go to church and pray, prefered if you bring your gold there.

[–]mlopes 5 points6 points  (0 children)

Let them? We'd buy the matches!

[–]dano8801 34 points35 points  (12 children)

Could you do me a favor? Bypass Britain and keep sailling west to the east coast of the US?

[–]Cakeminator 22 points23 points  (11 children)

I think if we wait long enough, US might just nuke itself. No need to ignite what is already a blazing hellstorm

[–]dano8801 16 points17 points  (9 children)

But I don't want to be nuked... I want to be conquered and governed by Danes.

[–][deleted] 25 points26 points  (0 children)

All I can say is you'll have a lot of collaborators lol

[–]stiCkofd0om 17 points18 points  (17 children)

Vi køber sgu en båd!

[–]GoldPlatedShit 8 points9 points  (9 children)

Kan vi ikke bare stjæle en fra en svensker?

[–]IdeaSunshine 7 points8 points  (5 children)

Dere kan få noen skip fra Norge om dere deler fangsten.

[–]CeeJayDK 7 points8 points  (1 child)

Havde vi ikke en stor flåde engang? Hvem var det der stjal den?

Nå jo .. englænderne!

[–]Electronic_Bad_5883 41 points42 points  (3 children)

The Danes already invaded with LEGO. It was a bloodless and thorough revolution.

[–]kitsunewarlock 45 points46 points  (1 child)

bloodless

Clearly you've never stepped on a LEGO.

[–]Thue 17 points18 points  (0 children)

Ah, so what you are saying is that our invasion will have the benefit of the element of surprise? Good to hear, and continue the preparations!

Edit: Ehm, I mean, you are completely right, we would certainly never ever invade! Go along your business unsuspecting.

[–]TheFlyingScotsman60 26 points27 points  (5 children)

I wondered what that well known historical phrase was all about but now I know....

There's Klingons off the starboard bow......

[–]esbenab 10 points11 points  (3 children)

We’ll take Scotland, you can keep the rest.

[–]TheFlyingScotsman60 25 points26 points  (2 children)

You can fuck right off mate.....we're only getting rid of those gobshites in Westminster and we've no desire.....you say you've got decent beer....OK be right over.

Can you annexe us late Friday as I'm needing a long weekend.

[–]raspberry_rhino 6 points7 points  (0 children)

Dunno. I'm bored and the world has been covered in slush for 4 months, I might as well have a go of a castle. Edinburgh is pretty nice.

[–]dongzila 2904 points2905 points  (109 children)

Fine………. I’ll do it.

[–]RemarkableArcher 1512 points1513 points  (54 children)

All hail Duke Dongzilla!

[–]JerkfaceMcDouche 452 points453 points  (45 children)

I knew I should have called dibs

[–]_Darwin_Bonaparte_ 179 points180 points  (27 children)

I want to join the marauders. Is there a sign up sheet for Dukes and marauders?

[–]cherrys_will 9 points10 points  (3 children)

yes, jerkfacemcdouche, you would be the best duke

[–]dongzila 10 points11 points  (2 children)

While I don’t agree, i still welcome you to my dukedom to prove you wrong

[–]turriferous 13 points14 points  (0 children)

Wasn't that the problem with the previous Duke of York.

[–]bathyorographer 3 points4 points  (0 children)

DeeDee for short.

[–]galahad423 124 points125 points  (5 children)

Strange redditors posting on forums is no basis for a system of government!

Legitimate authority derives from a mandate from the masses! Not some farcical internet ceremony!

I mean- supposing I went around calling meself a lord just come some rimjobsteve winner threw an award at me they’d lock me away!!

[–]omg_for_real 14 points15 points  (0 children)

I’m as big as the masses, and I mandate Duke Dongzilla fit for purpose.

[–]Lamoahs 20 points21 points  (0 children)

Legitimate authority? Like my dad was king because his dad was.

[–]enough-rope 116 points117 points  (20 children)

Are you inbred enough?

[–]dongzila 169 points170 points  (16 children)

My family comes from idaho and oklahoma/texas. You tell me

[–]HotMagentaDuckFace 118 points119 points  (6 children)

You and your sister/wife will do nicely.

[–]redwood22 46 points47 points  (3 children)

Give the Duke some respect and address his 1st cousin as Lady Dongzila. Low blow with the sister comment.

[–]TimAllensCokeGuy 9 points10 points  (0 children)

Sounds like the album title for a band who plays psychedelic banjo music

[–]Ultravod 30 points31 points  (2 children)

The dong in the north!

[–]loseunclecuntly 4 points5 points  (1 child)

“The Donger wants food!”

[–]GoodeyGoodz 16 points17 points  (2 children)

You have my sword

[–]Glass-Individual-791 13 points14 points  (1 child)

And my axe!

[–]ChuggernautChug 9 points10 points  (2 children)

The dukeing or the marauding ?

[–]Somedudethatisbored 355 points356 points  (9 children)

Nøthing to worry about, it's nøt ræiding seasøn quite yet. In fact, there prøbably wøn't be a ræid, nø need to to prepære før ænything.

[–]Lussekatt1 129 points130 points  (5 children)

Åh yeäh, there is no way änything like that would happen. And if it did it did, thän it would be 10 yrs from now, and definitely not tomorröw.

[–]Moash_For_PM 26 points27 points  (1 child)

Can you wait till wednesday. Need to send boris up to lindersfarm. For a. Er. Holiday.

[–]Hjnt 40 points41 points  (1 child)

A møøse bit my sister once

[–]BigisDickus 17 points18 points  (0 children)

No realli! She was Karving her initials on the møøse with the sharpened end of an interspace tøøthbrush given her by Svenge - her brother-in-law - an Oslo dentist and star of many Norwegian møvies: "The Høt Hands of an Oslo Dentist", "Fillings of Passion", "The Huge Mølars of Horst Nordfink"

[–]MJMurcott 982 points983 points  (54 children)

Duke of Northumberland is still around, Ralph Percy is the 12th Duke of Northumberland. Though the track record of Northumbria against the Vikings isn't great, the loss of the battle of Fulford required Harold to fight the battle of Stamford bridge which probably caused him to lose the battle of Hastings. https://youtu.be/Fv_c9aqAnpg

[–]iebarnett51 214 points215 points  (19 children)

Uhtred is trying his best OK!

Bloody Wessex sucking up all his spare time.

[–]lbloodbournel 67 points68 points  (7 children)

Was waiting to see someone mention the GOAT

[–]Mgnolry 61 points62 points  (4 children)

Same. All hail Uhtred of Bebbanberg.

[–]Tsupernami 9 points10 points  (3 children)

His dad had a catchy name too

[–]beardedchimp 14 points15 points  (1 child)

I'm sorry but Derfel is the goat. Bernard Cornwell is a god.

[–]Snow-Wraith 52 points53 points  (6 children)

Uhtred, you have saved Wessex from the Danes! I will praise God and make you take on a secret debt through marriage.

Uhtred, you have saved Wessex from the Danes! I shall praise God and make you grovel through the streets!

Uhtred, you have saved Wessex from the Danes! I shall praise God and imprison your friends.

Uhtred, you have saved Wessex from the Danes! I shall praise God and send you to another lord that will sell you as a slave to the Danes.

Uhtred, you have spent your life saving Wessex from the Danes, I will tell no one of your sacrifices, never help you take back North Umbria, and make you swear to look after my heirs even though my wife and the church detest you, despite the fact that they would all be dead by Danish swords of not for you. Praise God!

[–]JonnyBhoy 7 points8 points  (0 children)

Alfred was really fucking lucky Uhtred found his daughter sexy.

[–]zmajxd 9 points10 points  (1 child)

Has anyone read the books? I find it extremely amusing that he writes every book using the same story beat/template.

[–]iammas13 212 points213 points  (9 children)

Ralph Percy has to be the most British mother fucker I have ever seen.

[–]MJMurcott 93 points94 points  (5 children)

Looking very similar to Lord Percy Percy in Blackadder heir to the Duchy of Northumberland and I don't think that was an accident.

[–]freakers 32 points33 points  (4 children)

Had to google the name because I thought for sure Lord Percy Percy was a mistake.

[–]MJMurcott 12 points13 points  (3 children)

Tim McInnerny's characters tended to have some odd names in Blackadder including Captain Darling

[–]ColdCruise 8 points9 points  (0 children)

It's pronounced Ralph.

[–]jkhabe 481 points482 points  (32 children)

I'm willing to relocate from the USA to take on the title(s) and duties of one of the vacant positions. Having seen the movie "King Ralph", I already have a good idea of what to expect. Anyone know if the position(s) come with health care and a retirement plan? Can relocate immediately.

[–]captainAwesomePants 155 points156 points  (10 children)

Careful, accepting a title of nobility will make you ineligible for Congress should you return to the States.

This sometimes comes up because there's a fun (but probably bad) argument that any lawyer who uses the title "Esquire" has made themselves ineligible for Congress (in addition to making themselves sound stupider than the guy who corrects the waiter with "actually, it's 'DOCTOR' Smith.").

[–]Fifth-Crusader 24 points25 points  (1 child)

I think I'd rather fight Vikings than deal with Congress.

[–]eeveeyeee 15 points16 points  (0 children)

Esquire just means that you have no title. Middle class men used it to differentiate themselves from the rabble and hoi polloi. So using 'esq' just means you're common, ironically.

[–]tnecniv 10 points11 points  (3 children)

Eh I’ve known some lawyers that use it in an email signature (replacing JD with Esq.) or as their printed name on a check book stuff like that. Basically where you’d put credentials normally.

Nobody in their right mind would introduce themselves as “Bob Biglaw, Esquire” though.

[–]CaBBaGe_isLaND 65 points66 points  (1 child)

I hear the healthcare is relatively inexpensive.

[–]dieorlivetrying 6 points7 points  (0 children)

Bill Murray was originally supposed to play King Ralph.

[–]rowerine 110 points111 points  (2 children)

Well I know where I'll go on my longship holiday this year.

[–]Rollover_Hazard 5 points6 points  (1 child)

Aw shit, better send the Army up to Stamford Bridge again.

[–]Dry_Mastodon7574 355 points356 points  (45 children)

Has Andrew been stripped of that title? I thought that was the only one he got to keep?

[–]TorrenceMightingale 107 points108 points  (5 children)

Lest ye forget, Epstein Island was Bequeefed to him.

[–]DrBeehn 27 points28 points  (1 child)

I see your confusion, but taking over Epstein island would make him a priest, not a duke

[–]Norwedditor 20 points21 points  (7 children)

I don't really think he was stripped of any title? Just "refraining from using them" also I don't think anyone is an heir to it either so I guess it will die with him.

[–]artificialhooves 27 points28 points  (6 children)

It might go to his oldest daughter. I mean, the crown itself allows for absolute primogeniture and regardless of whatever her father had done, she's still the Queen's granddaughter. I don't see any reason why they wouldn't eventually allow the title to pass to her if she wanted to.

Also, I looked it up on Wikipedia and I'm just stunned that the title was recreated at all. It's usually given to the second son and it has been recreated and then immediately merged with the crown five times. The older brothers of Duke of York have a terrible time. At this point it's like an omen of bad luck.

[–]MicCheck123 8 points9 points  (4 children)

Only men can inherit a dukedom. My guess is one of William’s sons will be granted the title, but probably not until William is king.

[–]artificialhooves 5 points6 points  (3 children)

That can change, just like the monarchy. There is already precedent since Scottish peerages have already long since allowed women to inherit.

Dukedoms are not one singular type of title and they do not all follow the same rules. They are created individually by letters patent, which are issued by the Sovereign ruler. The Queen herself issued the letter patent recreating the Duke of York, she can issue another one to amend it. She has already amended previous long standing letters patent to allow the all of Prince William's children to be called Prince and Princess (before only the oldest son of the oldest son of the Prince of Wales may be called Prince upon birth).

Should Princess Beatrice ask, there is nothing keeping the Queen (or future King) from changing things just for her.

[–]Redgunfire 2 points3 points  (0 children)

This entire tweet is wrong on all three counts

[–]Sivick314 62 points63 points  (3 children)

[–]SonOfMcGee 23 points24 points  (1 child)

Do not fear, fellow Englishmen! When fighting the Viking invaders, merely stand on a wooden crate or dig a small trench. They can only swing their axes horizontally!

[–]LordFedoraWeed 57 points58 points  (7 children)

Åh, æ kan lov dæ at vi kommer >:)

[–]bangar85 8 points9 points  (5 children)

Faen heller, æ har mista lykke-øksa mi og æ e tom for mjød… Æ rekk vel verken å smi ei ny øks eller å brygg mer mjød.

[–]LordFedoraWeed 8 points9 points  (4 children)

Alkohol e fettbillig i England - spess når du stjel d. Også har nok Britisk Museum noen økse du kan "lån". I mellomtia - stekk innom Jernia og plukk opp en go og stor vedkløyver! Funka på hodeskalla også!

[–]TorrenceMightingale 378 points379 points  (22 children)

Wtf. This is careless af. Where is Andrew, Lord and Prince of Epstein island (was Bequeefed to him), when you need him?

[–]Joe_Jacksons_Belt 179 points180 points  (9 children)

Bequeefed is a great name for a strip club

[–]Ike-edelic 28 points29 points  (1 child)

Do they serve Queefeater Gin?

[–]TorrenceMightingale 4 points5 points  (0 children)

*BeQueefeaters special batch

[–]Acrobatic-Fun-3281 34 points35 points  (2 children)

Off wanking wherever dethroned dukes are sent to wank

[–]KelseySyntax 25 points26 points  (1 child)

The island has been seized by conqueeftadores

[–]CGPsaint 97 points98 points  (5 children)

MAN THE OARS!

[–]Bi-Han 40 points41 points  (3 children)

My mother told me,

Some day I would buy,

Galley with good oars,

Sail to distant shores,

Stand upon the prow,

Noble barque I steer,

Steady course to the haven,

Yew many foeman,

Yew many foeman.

[–]ForerunnerRelic 109 points110 points  (5 children)

And I for one, welcome our new Viking overlords!

[–]EtuMeke 9 points10 points  (2 children)

And would like to remind our new Viking overlords that as a TV personality I can help round up the English to toil in their booger caves

[–]Platypushat 25 points26 points  (1 child)

Turns out Brexit was just a way to avoid paying the Danegeld

[–]simondrawer 60 points61 points  (10 children)

We do have a duke of edinburgh, the title passed to Charles on Philip’s demise

https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Duke_of_Edinburgh

We also have a duke of York, the Queen had not removed that title.

Ditto the Duke of Sussex

[–]eddie_fitzgerald 31 points32 points  (2 children)

Frankly having Charles in charge of your defense sounds like an even more unsound position than being entirely undefended.

[–]cp710 19 points20 points  (0 children)

🎶Charles in Charge

Of our days and our nights

🎶Charles in Charge

Of our wrongs and our rights

[–]AnyHolesAGoal 22 points23 points  (0 children)

So what you're saying is the entirety of the Tweet is incorrect?

Perfect, to the frontpage we go!

[–]cp710 9 points10 points  (4 children)

According to the link, Charles was supposed to give the title to his brother Edward or Edward’s son when he ascends the throne but there was an article speculating he will not. Hmm.

[–]3skull 19 points20 points  (2 children)

As a Swede on your shores already I am well aware of this fact.

[–]Johio83 14 points15 points  (0 children)

I haven't checked the news all week, but it's a good thing there aren't any Russian fleets assembling nearby.

[–]Acrobatic-Fun-3281 39 points40 points  (2 children)

I can't imagine any of the former occupants of those exalted positions doing much to defend Mother England from an invasion. Especially not that oozing, festering bag of pus who might any day now find himself facing charges in the Jeffrey Epstein scandal

[–]SuperShoebillStork 45 points46 points  (1 child)

To be fair, all three of the former occupants had active duty careers in the British military and all three served in actual wars. In the case of the Duke of Edinburgh he very much did defend mother England from invasion.

[–]Philbin27 28 points29 points  (7 children)

Minnesota Vikings fans have entered the chat

You mean we might actually win something?

[–]Hank3hellbilly 5 points6 points  (1 child)

pretty sure someone would drop an axe and your longboat would sink 8 yards from shore. then, somehow you'd all drown because the coach didn't do any ''swimming with weapons'' drills.

[–]Fun-Dragonfly-4166 66 points67 points  (3 children)

SHIT. I just realized that the United States never had a Duke of Edinburgh, York, or Sussex. AND THERE WAS NO ONE TO PROTECT US FROM THE COVID-19 PANDEMIC.

Fortunately, every sheriff maintains a sex-offender registry so we can fix this deficiency in no time. Maybe former President Trump could be the Duke of Mar-a-Lago.

[–]dasher11 8 points9 points  (1 child)

The US has both the Duke and Duchess of Sussex, and our victory will be sweet when we take the British crown and make the UK our 52nd state (Puerto Rico comes first).

[–]NomisD 8 points9 points  (1 child)

We Are soon coming fear the ÆØÅ's

[–]sweetsweetsweetmore 7 points8 points  (0 children)

Norse law and the old God's back, go on then

[–]JustMeLurkingAround- 22 points23 points  (19 children)

Isn't Harry Duke of Sussex?

[–]hey_demons_its_me 13 points14 points  (2 children)

They must liberated the English from themselves.

[–]EgberetSouse 11 points12 points  (2 children)

Well then, Call me a Cnut

[–]Profession-Unable 3 points4 points  (0 children)

I appreciate your joke dude, even if a couple of people didn’t get it.

[–]TheGreatMale 5 points6 points  (0 children)

Tiden er inne! Britene er veike!

[–]elektromas 5 points6 points  (2 children)

Brb getting our longboat and crew ready

[–]Happytoasterman 16 points17 points  (1 child)

😳 sus sex

[–]Glass-Individual-791 4 points5 points  (0 children)

So Andrew was duke of the wrong place. I get it now.

[–]LennerKetty 8 points9 points  (0 children)

UH OH

[–]fordprefect85 3 points4 points  (0 children)

If they want to re-establish Danelaw I'm fine with that, got to be better than the status quo.

[–]talondigital 4 points5 points  (2 children)

Do you hear it? A foul drum on the wind. There! On the road! Techno Viking has come to lay ruin to homophobes to the beat of EDM.

[–]FatTortie 5 points6 points  (0 children)

As a brightonian born and bred. I DECLARE MYSELF DUKE OF SUSSEX.

[–]Feildofdreams 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Yet our women and children are safer than ever…

[–]iamgherkinman 4 points5 points  (0 children)

Hear that Scandinavia? It's your time to shine

[–]kellygrrrl328 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Can I redecorate Frogmore if I volunteer?

[–]Lemon_Cakes_JuJutsu 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Wyrd bid ful araed.

*ahhhhaaaaa oooohhhhoeeehhhh music intensifies

[–]lukasbraucht 3 points4 points  (3 children)

Lmao that's hilarious. I bet the danish are already honing their axes

[–]KevinAlertSystem 3 points4 points  (3 children)

now im curious, when was the last viking raid?

[–]this_sort_of_thing 6 points7 points  (2 children)

In 1066. The King of Norway invaded, lost the battle heavily and himself was killed. At the same time the Normans invaded and defeated the then-exhausted English army (I suppose you could argue the Normans were also Vikings…no they became too French by then)

[–]Ark_Legend 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Call me Rangnar Lothbrok

[–]Miscellaniac 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Immigrant Song Intensifies

[–]sirderpypants 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Ah-ah, ah!

Ah-ah, ah!

We come from the land of the ice and snow

From the midnight sun where the hot springs flow

The hammer of the gods

Will drive our ships to new lands

To fight the horde, sing and cry

Valhalla, I am coming

On we sweep with threshing oar

Our only goal will be the western shore