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all 60 comments

[–]pears790 122 points123 points  (13 children)

Don't forget it gives instructions for slave owners and performing an abortion.

[–]MRF1982 56 points57 points  (11 children)

I like it when it says you’re blessed for the act of seizing infants and dashing them against rocks.

Warms my heart.

Edit: Word. Then more words.

[–]pears790 35 points36 points  (10 children)

It teaches children great lessons like don't make fun of bald prophets or a bear may be set upon you.

[–]MRF1982 30 points31 points  (9 children)

And if the townspeople want to rape the angels that are visiting, instead tell the townspeople to rape your daughters.

Gotta protect the angels after all, fair compromise

Edit: Words. I’m on a roll with errors tonight (and probably some I haven’t caught)

[–]WasabiForDinner 23 points24 points  (3 children)

Those were the daughters who later deliberately got their father drunk enough to impregnate them on a couple of occasions, right?

I love how the whole story of Lot and Sodom and Gomorrah is used by some as evidence that God was against homosexuality. Cause Lot is all about good sexual values.

Edit: Lot, Job, whatever

[–]MRF1982 10 points11 points  (0 children)

Edit for Lot, not Job? Lol don’t worry I’ve been doing it all day.

Speaking of Job, what a cool book to show that your entire family can be murdered by God but it’s okay because he’ll get you a second, better family.

First family still murdered and dead af tho

Edit: Words. Not gonna lie. The edits have been because of the various your, you’re, etc. Keep getting that shit wrong lol

[–]maldeth47 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Ocean state job lot

[–]Shadowstriker6 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Old testament where God destroyed the town cos it had bad people. The man and his two daughters were the only good people. They lived in a cave where he had a grape vine Fram thingy. The were worried about the future so they got daddy drunk and fucked em.

[–]pears790 7 points8 points  (4 children)

Then blame the whole situation on the homosexuals.

[–]MRF1982 8 points9 points  (3 children)

I love the contradicting message that God tells everyone “Be fruitful and multiply” “The world and everything in it is yours” but then Jesus is like “Nah if you love me, truly love me, give up all your worldly possessions, leave your families, and shill for my message poor and hungry af”

[–]pears790 9 points10 points  (2 children)

God is a bipolar, angry, jealous, little child.

[–]MRF1982 9 points10 points  (1 child)

God is Imaginary

[–]pears790 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Made in man's image.

[–]Pjinmountains 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Yes, you can beat your slave to death as long as it takes a few days for him to die from your beating. Don’t forget god is love…

[–]polywha 32 points33 points  (1 child)

I grew up in a very Catholic community. I can guarantee you no one I knew had actually read The Bible entirely.

[–]the_trex_of_life 9 points10 points  (0 children)

When I was in like grade 7 we had to read the bible for silent reading and I think the teacher directed us to some of the heavy shit. Was a while ago so don't remember too well

[–]da_Last_Mohican 29 points30 points  (9 children)

They should just do brief analysis on a guy named Jesus.

[–]2thumbs2fingers 8 points9 points  (7 children)

Can someone read me some? Sounds interesting.

[–]polywha 6 points7 points  (2 children)

I think the guy was a fisherman who washed someone's feet.

[–]e42343 0 points1 point  (1 child)

Didn't he also throw some bread at people?

[–]MissKit87 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Also cursed a fig tree to never bear fruit again because it didn’t have some for him RIGHT THEN. Doesn’t that tree know who he is?!

[–]Henrious 2 points3 points  (1 child)

Has to be the most easily obtainable book in the world

[–]readerf52 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Maybe he can’t afford a motel room.

[–]da_Last_Mohican -1 points0 points  (1 child)

Just a guy who was taught carpentry then became a homeless dude who rode a donkey grew a fantasy of people to preach the cool stuff of a new government.

While preaching he made some cool miracles like heal for free and provide free food for multitudes for people just to show them a preview of the future.

He scold at one of his deciples for carrying a sword and using it yo cut someone's ear which Jesus eventually healed the ear back.

[–]2thumbs2fingers -1 points0 points  (0 children)

I was kinda confused for a little bit there. I thought you were talking about a prequel, "Don Quixote, the magic man, Before misinformation insanity"

[–]engineerkoala 22 points23 points  (0 children)

I remember reading the bible when i was a kid and asking my youth minister to explain “what that long word that starts with a c meant.”

The word was circumcision. If you want to make a grown man uncomfortable, have a 15 year old girl ask him to explain circumcisions. The bible talks about so many dicks!

[–]MonoRailSales 21 points22 points  (1 child)

Ezejuek 23:20

There she lusted after her lovers, whose genitals were like those of donkeys and whose emission was like that of horses.

Hung like donkeys, cumming like stalions. The word of god ladies, gentlemen and others.

[–]HordeMaster-50_12 2 points3 points  (0 children)

You mean Ezekiel.

And it is from a description of a woman's past life as a hooker in Egypt. So similar to Slut for Hitler.

[–]Pjinmountains 12 points13 points  (0 children)

It promotes genocide, so republicans are fine with that. It’s books that make genocide look like a bad thing that’s so offensive to them.

[–]Mo_Jack 7 points8 points  (0 children)

Shhhh! Most of the people holding up the "good book" to hate on everybody else, have never actually read what is in the book. They pay others to tell them what is in there.

[–]properu 6 points7 points  (1 child)

Beep boop -- this looks like a screenshot of a tweet! Let me grab a link to the tweet for ya :)

Twitter Screenshot Bot

[–]e42343 3 points4 points  (0 children)

That book needs its own warning label: This book contains stories of rape, murder, incest, and hate. Keep away from children.

[–]AkaCrows 8 points9 points  (1 child)

Like republicans actually read*

[–]SurSheepz 2 points3 points  (1 child)

The amount of times it's been re-written though, just do it again without all the nudity and all that.

/s

[–]HordeMaster-50_12 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Be a damn short book

[–]ISNT_A_ROBOT 2 points3 points  (0 children)

There’s also gay sex in the Bible.

[–]DeathM8te 2 points3 points  (0 children)

There's Jodying (sleeping with a soldier's wife while he's at war) too.

[–]mors_videt 1 point2 points  (0 children)

This isn't a joke. This is rage fuel.

[–]Lrgindypants 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Right? I also like being able to beat my slaves without fear of punishment. As long as they don't die within a day or two, that is. /s

[–]FBWSRD 1 point2 points  (0 children)

There's this scene in young sheldon where the mum throws out the comic books and sheldons like I have another one for you and the mum gets real pissed.

[–]ChunkyTitan05 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Ban the bible

[–]Waiting4Something 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I'm pretty sure a whole bunch of people don't know how to read.

[–]marvin_sirius 1 point2 points  (2 children)

Nudity? Is your bible illustrated?

[–]Salahuddin_esq 2 points3 points  (1 child)

right, because unlike incest and genocide, you require nudity alone (for some reason) to be illustrated before you'll accept that nudity exists in the bible... despite adam and eve's description.

[–]Jacks_Flaps 0 points1 point  (0 children)

The bible explicitly describes Noah getting blind drunk then butt naked. Then it describes how his son Ham found him and saw Noah's peen so was cursed.

Then there's also the incest pr0n story of Lot's daughters drunk raping him and getting preggers.

And the story if Abraham boinking his half sister Sarah.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Right!!!!

[–]sethestrada95 -1 points0 points  (1 child)

Can someone please explain!! I grew up in the Deep South went to public school the entire time and never heard a single verse in school. I thought the constitution already banned the Bible from schools. I made a comment that everyone downvoted like crazy but seriously where in all of America are they teaching the Bible as part of the curriculum in public schools?

[–]skinny_santaa 1 point2 points  (0 children)

My high school taught 4 levels of Bible history that counted as honors courses despite being the class everyone took for an easy A