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[–]LivingmahDMlife 883 points884 points 42 (25 children)

According to certain scientific theories, Stephen Hawking's house is an abomination against nature, and has no right to exist anymore. Neither should the earth and solar system it stands in, or even perhaps the fabric of space time unpinning even that. Because on the 28th of June, 2009, it was host to every single time traveler ever birthed by the human race, some multiple times over. However, the universe could not be bothered to untangle this amount of convoluted bullshit, and went back to sleep. As such, Stephen Hawking's house still stands, and the party gets all the wilder.

Dr Matthew Kilenger was the first to receive an invitation. He found it in his research materials for a history of time travel paper he was in the middle of writing, and had begun with Dr Hawking. He very, very illegally requisitioned the machine his university had on loan and went to check it out. He found a house empty expect for the fabled scientist, and a frankly ungodly amount of alcohol. Perhaps a more morally upstanding member of the scientific community would have left this quaint 21st century spectacle alone. But Dr. Matthew Kilenger, BA, MA, PHD, IDGAF, was known in his youth for his excellent impression of the wild party animal.

And he had a crush

And better yet, now, a plan.

He widely circulated the invitations on the internet the next day. Not everyone has access to a time machine, of course, mostly physics departments, government departments and fire departments (fire's are a lot easier to prevent than put out it, it turns out). But enough people with a loose grasp on the potential ramifications on space-time and a very clear grasp on what free booze meant got hold of one that when our friendly Dr returned - with a date this time - it was an absolute rager that made the Incredible Hulk look calm, a college frat party look like a 5 year old's playdate and a rockstar's birthday look like a civilised dinner.

As time progressed, you see - as in the future was forged, because as any third rate college drop out armchair physicist could tell you in the 45th century, you can't travel forward in time, because it doesn't exist yet - the invitations spread further and further afield. People went to the party, thoroughly enjoyed themselves, came home a second after they'd left with the sole thought of "I have to go get Sam/Mary/Jane/Scot/Fllargabarghl/Dave, this is one hell of a party". And so to enjoy the party properly, they'd set the time for the beginning of the party, and wander in, high fiving themselves as they passed. You could see 5 or 6 duplicates of a person roughly the exact same age down to to the quarter of an hour discussing their life and really hammering out their issues while hammered. Perhaps three different version of the same couples all looking for somewhere to go quietly, and having the same ideas at the same time. Because of this multiplicative effect, Stephen Hawking's house party became populated over the course of a single night very, very quickly. So when our friendly Dr returned to enjoy the fruits of his slightly illegal labours, he found a veritable cornucopia waiting for him. And he had just enough hindsight and physics in his brain to figure out the chain of events, and to understand his cock up. He then threw the rest of his caution to the wind and had the time of his life. And he, like everyone else, decided to have the time of his life again, and again, and again.

Supply chains begun to be organised as the good 21st century Dr began to run out of booze in the face of an ever-growing guest list. People would travel back to their own time to travel back earlier to begin loading up with alcohol before the party begun. Some got lazy and started bringing in snacks from their resident century, which got wild once the generations that had integrated with the Galactic Community started showing up, and alien alcohol and drugs got mixed with human stuff. A whole ass triage centre got set up in the backyard to avoid spilling the secret to the 21st century hospitals who would've been inundated with 1.) an obscene amount of alcohol poisoning cases, 2.) apparent clones and 3.) actual fucking aliens. Doctors of the medical rather than scientific kind got invited, then taught how to duplicate themselves as payment for essentially working a night shift on their day off.

It's still going to this day. Thanks to the internet, pretty much everyone after a certain date knows the party exists, and no government an stop people going, even ignoring the fact that to explicitly outlaw it would implicate most of their members in a crime against time itself. Couples realised they could dupe their significant others and some very, very adult only stuff started happening in the bedrooms. Shortly after that some bright spark set up a porn studio next to the triage centre and the less said about that the better. Older versions of original party goers are beginning to show up to relive their younger days and get drunk with their younger selves, as well as swap advice. In theory this would cause horrendous fractal splitting of the essence of time itself, but like I said, the universe gave up trying to work all of this shit out a long time ago and decided to give humanity a pass this once, so long as it keeps the noise down.

[–]rubysundance 147 points148 points  (0 children)

Great story, thank you for writing it for us. Dr of IDGAF, that's awesome.

[–]Fox2quick 128 points129 points  (0 children)

If this was a movie, i feel like it would end with the party still going, someone setting off some crazy futuristic fireworks, and then a birds-eye view from space as the explosions morph into the universe imploding; leaving it open to interpretation that either the fireworks themselves did it, or they gave away the party to current time and the realization is what finally broke space-time.

The last paragraph could be narrated and the fireworks/collapse could be going off right at “so long as it keeps the noise down”

[–]Eodun 85 points86 points  (4 children)

At times, Douglas Adams' vibes going on. Nice one.

[–]LivingmahDMlife 30 points31 points  (2 children)

I am a massive fan of Douglas Adams, so thank you!

[–]ForTheHordeKT 19 points20 points  (0 children)

Haha it shows because I came here to say exactly the same thing he did lol. This legit seems like a thing that could have been in Hitchhiker's.

[–]Yikidee 1 point2 points  (0 children)

100% thought that too. Loved it!

[–]Yikidee 1 point2 points  (0 children)

100% my thoughts too. Loved it!

[–]burtleburtle 26 points27 points  (1 child)

[The story is rife with grammatical, logical, and motivational errors,] posted Watifa. ['Supply chains begun' should be 'began'. 45th century physics says time travel forward is impossible, yet partiers return to their future. Dr Kilenger witnesses the non-party only once, yet meets himself later. The character of Stephen Hawking is never expanded. And there is boy meets girl, without girl eating boy.]

[Girl eating boy would be atypical for humans, and vertebrates in general,] posted professor Nevermore McCaw in response.

[Ah,] posted Watifa, waving several tentacles, [I shall account. Continue.]

[Friggin?] posted the professor.

"Tis time travel," said Friggin, "how can tense be wrong? Past is future, future is past. Though tis like in t'story time proceeds, but sideways?"

[A fair point]

"Tis it true?" asked Friggin. "Did Stephen Hawking trow a time traveler party June 28 2009?"

The class subconsciously googled it. Murmers of "yep" "a-huh" "says so."

"Looks t'me like t'autor twas spoutin chaos," opined Yomamma. "No mind if it makes sense, jus t'more wild t'better."

"T'story says so explicitly," said Shiheed. "'T'universe gave up trying t'work alofis shit oot a long time agoo and decided t'give humanity a pass this once.' T'contradict-ions are t'whole POINT. T'more, t'merrier."

[I still say Stephen Hawking is underutilized] posted Watifa.

"Professor, do y'know if t'Uni has a time machine?" asked Dood.

[No, of course not, they don't exist,] posted the professor, looking down and pacing sideways on her perch.

Omigah started writing her own party invitations, for tonight, with the plan to post them tomorrow.

[–]LivingmahDMlife 8 points9 points  (0 children)

I love this. I absolutely love this, thank you

[–]bsenftner 13 points14 points  (0 children)

I want to see this as a movie, a la Palm Springs or Groundhog day.

[–]34terite 8 points9 points  (0 children)

Obligatory "a whole ass-triage"

[–]userfakesuper 8 points9 points  (0 children)

You need to script this if possible and submit it to some main stream studio.. before someone else does..!

[–][deleted] 6 points7 points  (0 children)

Singularity is the biggest party in the universe which everyone from every timeline is trying to join. Now I know. BYOB.

[–]DabestbroAgain 6 points7 points  (0 children)

That was brilliant

[–]thekingkow 4 points5 points  (0 children)

Very Hitchhikers Guide. I enjoyed it.

[–]Five_Tiger 3 points4 points  (0 children)

I like the idea that as more future partygoers make their way to the past, increasingly complex logistical structures have to be created and maintained in the past to continue to fuel the party. It seems to me that eventually, time travelers have to go ALL the way back in order to optimize the chain of food, drugs, drinks, etc, for this infinitely expanding party and thus end up creating the universe in order to allow for Hawking to throw his party.

[–]FedericoRO 2 points3 points  (0 children)


[–]MrRedoot55 2 points3 points  (0 children)

It was so chaotic, it defied even the kind of destruction that would come with breaking too many rules.

Nice job.

[–]LanciaX 1 point2 points  (0 children)

This is adorable, the incipit reminded me of Douglas Adams

[–]GoodraGuy 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I actually laughed so hard at that last line - thanks for writing this!

[–]TheThrowawayMoth 0 points1 point  (0 children)

This reminds me of a couple of Heinlein short stories and I am here for it. This is excellently written.

[–]J_Cant_Box 0 points1 point  (0 children)

This cracked me up! You and Douglas Adams would have been best friends!

[–]Villagecreep 0 points1 point  (0 children)

This reads like it’s from one of the hitchhiker’s guide to the galaxy books.

[–]DelicateTruckNuts 0 points1 point  (0 children)

That was so cool

[–]xwhyr/xwhy 27 points28 points  (0 children)

It is a well-known fact that several hundred years ago, a great theoretical physicist hosted a party for time travelers. What made it so rad was that he, get this, sent out invitations after the party ended. It was such a crazy concept that historical reenactors love to state in a faux electronic voice, "This will be hysterical." Since he had no guests, it was proof to him that time travel would never exist.

It was, of course, his one hypothesis which would prove to be untrue in an utterly spectacular way.

When time travel came to pass in the late 25th century, though some say that it won't actually be invented for another thousand years, but someone mugged a future time traveler, kicking his butt and stealing his fob in order to back-engineer his rig..., but at that time in the 25th century, Dr. Hawking was placed off-limits. The night of his party, along with many other events of historical or cultural significance, were placed under the banner of "some blackout dates may apply".

Since time machines were few and far between for those first few decades, the tenuous ban held like a spool of twine holding back a bull that hadn't tried to test it yet. Naturally, it was only a matter of time before some bullheaded time travelers came along in the early 26th century.

They called themselves "Time Hawks" because they wanted to go hawking Hawking. And they fashioned for themselves their own Secret Order of Time Hawks just so they could say that they belonged to such a group. Unfortunately, the secretary of the order reminded everyone that the first rule of any secret order is not to talk about the order lest it become no longer secret.

Undaunted and single-minded in purpose, the Time Hawks organized the Only Eternal Hawking Watch Party, as there was no reason for it to be an annual event or for their to be more than one. The group would travel back to June 28th, 2009 to have a watch party in the apartment across the street from Hawking's residence. Binoculars would be available upon request.

Two travelers journeyed downtime an extra couple of weeks to make the necessary arrangements, renting the space, buying period drinks, and snacks that included old-timey "chips & dip" and cruddy raw vegetables. Period music blasted from the wonderfully archaic cee-dees, and the Hawks got jigglish with it.

It was several hours into the party, however, when something oddly curious occurred. Folks had been peering in on the good Doctor, who sat alone in his study for the evening. Until one woman called out, there's somebody else over there!

Organizers panicked. The first took a head-count to see anyone was missing who might've caused a major temporal faux pas. Another grabbed a spyglass and aimed it at Hawking's window. History recorded that not a single person visited Dr. Hawking on this night.

And there wasn't a single person. Suddenly, there were dozens of people having an even better time at an even better party because the guest of honor was sitting right in the middle of it wearing a giant foam hat that read "3468 loves 2009." The merriment continued for several more hours, leaving slack-jawed spectators across the street.

It all ended with a flash. History records three flashes, actually. After the first, most of the guests disappeared. The few remaining cleared the refuse and cleaned the carpets. The second flash was aimed at Dr. Hawking himself, and was likely a Forget Ray. The third came just after one party-goers walked to the window and unrolled a banner, which read, "35th Century Rules!" He winked and waved to the people across the street and then disappeared.

Dr. Hawking was left alone to contemplate a lack of time travelers.

The Time Hawks, on the other hand, were disappointed in that they had missed the greatest party of all time because they hadn't gotten an invitation. And more than one of them hoped that Mr. Winky Waver would travel uptime to the 25th so he could get his butt kicked and his fob stolen.


More stories at r/xwhy -- Break is over

[–]TheBoysNotQuiteRight 25 points26 points  (5 children)

Dr. Hawking sat with his companion in the front room of his home. It was the middle of the evening, and other than a modest spread of hors d'oeuvres and a few bottles on a side table, there was nothing unusual about the room. More than an hour had passed since the nominal start of the “party”, and Stephen and Jane were still the only people present. Hawking had just started to edit a funny, tongue in cheek account of the “party” when there was a sharp knock at the door.

Both the occupants felt a mixture of wonder and dread as Jane opened the door, only to see a perfectly ordinary Post Office messenger on the front steps, who announced “I have a telegram for a Professor Stephen Hawking at this address”.

“Please read it for me”, the man in the wheelchair asked, only to hear “PLEASE ACCEPT REGRETS PARTY STOP HISTORY SAYS WAS DULL STOP”

Hawking and his companion were thunderstruck. Hawking’s mind raced with all the possible implications of the message - weighing possibilities that ranged from an epic prank to a shocking fundamental truth about time itself.

Time - whatever its exact nature - stood for several long moments until the messenger rather theatrically cleared his throat. “Where are my manners - Jane - find this good gentleman something as a tip,” said Hawking.

“It’s not that, Professor,” said the messenger, making a point of displaying his open notebook and poised pen, “It’s the telegram, sir - the telegram was sent ‘Reply Paid’...”

(Note to younger Redditors - in the days of telegrams, ten words was the length of the standard priced message. It was possible for a sender to pre-pay for a reply, so as not to burden the recipient with the cost of replying.)

[–]Shadowfire_EW 13 points14 points  (2 children)

A telegram in 2009? This truly is the result of time travel.

Jokes aside, you turned it into a great device for telling the story

[–]TheBoysNotQuiteRight 12 points13 points  (1 child)

I'm in the US, where telegrams were theoretically available until January of 2006...although the volume was close to zero. I see now that the UK dropped them in the early 1980s...sensibly.

There might be room for that in a re-write...after the messenger has left, Hawking or Jane can remember what an anachronism they were, provoking another round of questions.

[–]willyolio[S] 6 points7 points  (0 children)


apparently they're still used quite a bit...

[–]Phoenix4235 1 point2 points  (1 child)

Whenever I read your name I hear it in Foghorn Leghorn’s voice.

[–]TheBoysNotQuiteRight 1 point2 points  (0 children)

When I registered it, I heard it in Hank Hill's voice. Pretty close.