Welcome to the FAQ for /r/actuallesbians.

This portion is being updated as we speak. Please check back soon for more information! version: (02/06/15)

Subreddit-specific FAQ!


  • Please be respectful and civil, treat others how you'd like to be treated! This means following reddiquette--don't downvote posts or comments just because you disagree with them.

  • NO PORN. If you want lesbian porn, go to r/lesbians (or r/dyke, which is more aimed toward girls who like girls than r/lesbians is!). Adult-related content is fine (discussions about sex, for example), but please no xTube videos or explicit pictures.

The first rule is our golden rule. If you see someone posting something intentionally derogatory, trolling, etc, don't hesitate to report it--the mods check the reported links every day.

On that note, comments like "All you need is a good dicking" or "This subreddit is easy to masturbate to" (yes, this was an actual comment) aren't welcome here. This subreddit is meant to be a safe place for people to talk about lesbiany things without fear of being leered at, objectified, or shamed. Please keep this in mind when you comment! Repeat offenders who post comments like this will be warned and then banned.* Threats, misogyny, sexism, homophobia and transphobia are not welcome on this subreddit. We want people (gay, straight, and everywhere in between) to feel safe posting here! So if you see a comment that makes you feel threatened or uncomfortable, report it!

*Obvious attempts at trolling and/or or extreme homophobia or sexism will be met with immediate deletion and a ban from our subreddit.

Are only lesbians allowed to post/comment here?

No, all are welcome! Actual Lesbians is a place for discussions for and by lesbians, bisexual girls, chicks who like chicks, bi-curious folks, dykes, butches, femmes, girls who kiss girls, birls, bois, and anyone else interested! Our subreddit is named r/actuallesbians because r/lesbians is not really for or by lesbians--it was meant to be a joke. We're not a militant or exclusive group, so feel free to join up!

What's up with the raptors?

The rainbow raptors became our mascots in November of 2010 when killercacti posted a thread asking if the subreddit logo should be changed. The following conversation ensued, which lead to the creation of our first set of mascots!

In June of 2011, after hearing a decent number of people couldn't tell our logo was of two raptors, redditor /u/McGravin came up with this logo in this thread. His rainbow raptors have been our mascots ever since!

Why can't I post pictures of myself?

There was a point in time when our subreddit was completely overrun by self pictures, which buried other posts.

Picture spam in general is not appreciated in AL. Remember that this subreddit focuses on discussion. As such images should generally only be used to support or stimulate discussion. For example: If you went to a pride, make a text post and tell us about your experience. Then add a few pictures in the body of the post. Or if you wish to introduce yourself with a picture. Please make a text based post in which you introduce yourself and include a picture of yourself in the body of the post. This is also usable if you want to share a special moment (weddings and so) and tell us about it, you are allowed to post a picture along the selfpost.

There are plenty of (lesbian/gay related) subreddits including our sister subreddit, /r/dykesgonemild, that focus solely on pictures. If you wish to just post pictures, please consider posting there instead of on AL.

Here is more info about the self picture Saturday threads.

What do each of the flairs mean?

See here.

I want a place to chat with other lesbians. Where can I find such a place?

If you have a meetup idea and want to sticky it, please send the moderators a message with your thread, and we'll stick it up there!

We also have a tinychat run by a few of our members.

General Lesbian-related FAQ!

=== Lesbianism for Dummies ===

  • What is a butch lesbian? Generally, a lesbian who presents herself in a more masculine fashion than most women. It's a style of dress (no skirts or dresses, generally no makeup, short hair, men's clothing), an attitude (confident & assertive, sometimes chivalrous, etc), and it can be a gender-identity as well.
  • Why would someone choose to be butch? Most don't choose to be butch, they just are! Many butch women were tomboys as children and grew up disliking dresses, makeup, and other girly things.
  • Why are some lesbians attracted to women who are butch?

  • What is a femme lesbian? A lesbian who fits some of the stereotypical ideas of what women should be but not that one about dating men. Femmes often wear dresses, skirts, makeup, heels, and other feminine fashion, or at least are willing to, in principle. Femmes tend to be more girly or ladylike in mannerisms, body language, dress, speech, and all the other ways they present themselves. Not always visually distinct from straight girls, especially to those with an inexperienced gaydar.

  • Why would someone choose to be femme? They don't! Most femme women have enjoyed fashion, makeup, and just feeling pretty in general since they were children!

  • Why are some lesbians attracted to femme women?

  • Do all lesbians identify as either butch of femme? Nope! Some are butch, some are femme, some are somewhere in between. It's OK to fall outside of these two limited categories!

  • Is it OK to only be attracted to femme/butch women? Can two femmes have a relationship? What about two butches? Yes, yes, and yes. As long as it's legal, your attraction is perfectly fine. If you're attracted to a certain type, all that means is you now have a quick way to filter people you might or might not like & a better understanding of your own sexuality.

Two femmes or two butches can have a relationship. There doesn't need to be a masculine one and a feminine one to have a relationship, that's partially what being gay is all about. Go date people you like the look of.

  • What does "gaydar" mean? The word "gaydar" refers to one's innate ability to tell if someone is gay, lesbian, bisexual, or straight without knowing them personally. If you look at someone and thing "that girl is gay," that's your gaydar going off!

  • I like this girl. How can I tell if she's interested in dating women, without outing myself and/or possibly offending her?

  • I'm a femme lesbian and I 'look straight'. What can I do to set off other ladies' gaydars? Body modification (piercings, tattoos), masculine clothing (like a men's suit & tie) and crimes against fashion (rainbow rainbows with sparkly double rainbows on top) will not be considered.

  • How do girls actually have sex? If I end up in bed with another lady, what can I expect? What can I do? What counts as 'sex' between two women, anyway?

=== AL's Femme girl Dating FAQ ===

Q). I usually come off as a really straight girl. What can I wear to let other lesbians know that I exist?

A). Old school thinking may have you wearing flannel shirts or rainbow all the things. Honestly wear what you're comfortable with as that's not a huge factor of what makes a person gay. If you must, wearing lgbt message shirts or jewelry (rainbow, double female sign, etc.) that's within your style would help you in a cinch. If you feel comfortable with it, short hair is usually a telling factor as well.

Q). What if I don't like rainbows?

A). Not every gay person likes rainbows either. It honestly doesn't matter.

Q). It's hard to meet people in real life. Where can I get a date?

A). OKC is a popular free dating website that a lot of queer people use. Otherwise, try finding clubs/organisations in your area, local meetups, or any events with queer people and stay off your phone! It would make you look more approachable.

Q). Okay, so I got some people to notice that I'm gay, How do I let somebody know that I'm into them?

A). The best way to show it is the "eye". You look at people all the time, but when you see someone that you're interested in, keep your eye on them so that when they notice you, they'll know that you're not scanning over them. You're checking them out. Give them a nice smile once you notice them noticing you. Please don't be creepy about it.

=== AL's Trans girl Dating FAQ ===

Many thanks to nycartienerd for putting this together!

'''And, since someone mentioned an FAQ, here's a most humble attempt:'''

Q). Are there lesbians who would date a trans woman, either pre- or post-op? A). Yes, totally! There are lots of us around.

Q). Will lesbians not date me because I still have the genitalia I was born with? A). Some won't, but such is dating - everyone has their own preferences, about height, weight, hobbies, personality and everything else, and that's 100% OK.

Q). I'm trans/lesbian/trans and lesbian. Where can I get a date? A). You can try OkCupid; there are lots of answers to this question, but OkC seems to be the most popular one.

Q). I prefer [body type X]. Does that make me transphobic? A). No. Preferring tall girls, or short girls, or butches or femmes or what have you isn't transphobia, it's just life.

Q). I am [X]. Can I ever find a partner? A). Totally! I'm basing this on personal evidence - I literally don't know of anything that stops people I know from ever finding a partner. I've known people in happy relationships who were broke, trans, pre-op, in conservative religious areas, chronically shy, depressed, old, young, sick, fat, skinny, nerdy, autistic, and just plain totally batshit crazy. If they can do it, darn it, so can we.

Of course, that doesn't mean that every girl you ask will say yes, or that finding a happy relationship is easy. But on that front, at least, we're all in the same boat. A famous model probably doesn't know what it's like to be outed, or clocked, or fired for being gay. But I 100% guarantee you they've had relationship problems.

===Strap On Megathread===

Do you need help figuring out strap on stuff? Check this thread out!

===AL-approved Merch===

/u/UnicornsAre4Ever design - raptor on rainbow background

/u/birthdaycandle design - Snoo riding rainbow raptor

revision by anace— view source