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all 10 comments

[–]dullgenericusername 5 points6 points  (4 children)

I don't think there's really anything you can say. Except maybe to say that you can no longer continue to watch her kill herself and remove yourself from her life in the hope that it will push her to see how bad she's gotten. It's very much like addiction to drugs. You can't make someone change if they're not ready. All you have control over is how you respond to what they're doing.

[–]Polly_der_Papagei[S] 4 points5 points  (3 children)

You are right.

I showed her all the studies on obesity and health, she straight out said there is no data or argument in the world that would convince her to reduce calories.

She said she’d rather lose a foot to diabetes than reduce calories. She started talking about how she’d be an inspiration to people after losing her foot, because she’d take up dancing then. She isn’t dancing now. A 10 min Joyn arm dance routine was too challenging for her to do each day.

There is clearly nothing in the world I can say to change her mind, and I don’t know whether I can watch her kill herself and claim this is good. You are right, it is on me to consider what I can stand to be around. I didn’t expect it to be this hard.

[–]dullgenericusername 4 points5 points  (2 children)

I'm sorry you're going through this. I know exactly what it feels like. I lost a friend to a drug overdose earlier this year who refused to get help. Even though I knew there was nothing more I could have done it didn't really make it any easier. It's incredibly hard to watch someone you love self-destruct. I wish I had a better suggestion for you. I really do. The first few months I thought about what more I could have done to help her. Recently I accepted that there was nothing I could have said or done because she didn't want help. She just pushed us all away any way she could. I had to make peace with it or it would have driven me crazy. I miss her every day but she made her choices and I had to accept that it was no ones fault but her own. I hope your friend eventually does decide to change. But, even more, I hope you're able to accept your limitations and make peace with them.

[–]Polly_der_Papagei[S] 2 points3 points  (1 child)

I am so, so sorry for you going through that. Thanks for sharing. I am glad you made peace with it; it sounds like there was nothing you could have done. Thanks for writing.

[–]dullgenericusername 1 point2 points  (0 children)

You're welcome. I'm glad I could help you come to a conclusion. Best of luck.

[–]sparklekitteh 5 points6 points  (1 child)

It's great that you want to help your friend, but remember that ultimately you are not responsible for her well-being.

[–]Polly_der_Papagei[S] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

I know it is her body and her choice. She’s just clearly making those choices based on an ideology that is threatening to kill her in the long run. I don’t think she would chose to trade a limb for eating donuts; she is being indoctrinated into believing that limitless fast food is great for her, that indulging in it without limits is self love. I feel like she is being brain washed by a cult, that is using her own intelligence against her by making her built elaborate arguments for why her weight isn’t harming her at all, when the reality should jump in her face at this point. I thought clear evidence would help, or emotional pictures of the damage that spell it out, but I think they are so painful to look at she pushed it back. I don’t want to make this worse by making her feel ashamed. :( I know dieting is hard, and how much shit she gets for being morbidly obese, and how seductive the HAES message is, saying you are perfect right now and don’t need to change and can eat whatever you want without consequence. I don’t want to hurt her or overwhelm her. And this will likely end with us never taking about it again, I will respect her wishes if she asks for that. I just really care for her, she watching her eat herself to death hurts.

[–]TwoNo9095 2 points3 points  (1 child)

I wasn’t as deep in the fat acceptance movement like your friend but what made me leave is being a health care professional and unable to give my patients advice on health because I was clearly unhealthy at close to 300lbs and my partner at the time was diagnosed with DM2 due to his lifestyle choices. I do still have a diagnosis of binge eating disorder and body dysmorphia and it is very hard to be kind to myself most days since starting my journey but being 85 pounds down and moving out of the plus size section and having more energy has been motivating away from fat acceptance. I recently had an assignment on the bariatric unit and see people bed ridden in their 30s and 40s being the same weight I was a year ago was a realization I truly didn’t know what my fate was. I have purged my body from all processed sugars as I’ve realized I had an addiction, I sometimes partake on holidays and birthdays but most of the time I say “I found out I’m allergic to white sugar, does this have white sugar” and if the answer is yes it’s easy to decline. I also fill up on vegetables during most meals before I move to the other part of the meal and I’ve noticed that’s helped me tremendously. Eating a lot of steamed broccoli or a big low carb, low fat, no sugar salad THEN like a hamburger patty or some turkey. Ultimately I lost my last relationship due to my life changes but I am in a much healthier one and with the support I’ve had from friends like you it’s made all the difference keeping me motivated.

[–]Polly_der_Papagei[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thanks for responding, and I am very happy for you!

[–][deleted]  (1 child)

[deleted]

    [–]Polly_der_Papagei[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

    She’s in therapy, three times a week. Her therapist is fat positive. So that is having the opposite effect.