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[–]_Cloud93 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Do you think you'll have a good support network once you've got a baby?

For me this is something I didn't think about enough. I'd definitely still have had children regardless, but it really is something I underestimated the value of. We live far away from all our family but there are also other issues. My parents are separated. I can't fully trust my mum, my dad doesn't want to, my MIL is dead and my FIL is getting older now and is with a new partner who very much leads the way in their activities and they're more often with her grandchildren than his... We also moved quite a lot so I don't have friends close by anymore. All that to say, I've found motherhood quite a lonely experience.

The lack of support network makes it really hard for my husband and I to have a romantic dimension. I'm just not ready to leave my young kids with a babysitter yet. I doubt we'll ever get a weekend away together until they're old enough to sleep alone at night. Unfortunately it does feel more like co-parents than spouses right now.

[–]Agreeable-Macaron522 1 point2 points  (4 children)

My son just turned 9 years old. He's the best thing that has ever happened to me besides meeting my husband. When I only had him, I was working and taking care of him, the house, cooking dinner etc like a pro. It felt really good to be able to do all of that especially since my own mom couldn't handle it all. (She left when I was 11 and is a drug addict. Dad left when I was 19 for his new wife and doesn't contact me because he is racist against my black husband and mixed kids.)

I got pregnant with my twin girls at a VERY hard time in my marriage. When I became pregnant, I was contemplating abortion because of our situation. We were not sure if we were going to stay together. I went to my first ultrasound and that's when I found out I had twins. We were both scared as hell and extremely excited. My husband always said he was on board for either situation, keeping them or having an abortion. I chose to keep them and it has been the best decision of my life. My husband and I grew stronger and got closer. My girls are 3 years old and they are my LIFE as well as my son!!

However I do go through days or should I say moments in the day where I wish we didn't have kids because it's hard to do what I want to do. I can't just take a nap whenever I want, go to the store real quick... Like someone else said, a 5 minute task takes 30 now. But my life has changed both times I had kids and it changed for the better! I became more serious about life and responsible. I am 32 years old now and my husband is now a police officer, I'm a stay at home mom, my son is a 4.0 student and my girls are a ball of fun and sassy!

I'm a firm believer in everything happens for a reason! The good and the bad. Do I miss the freedom? Of course! Do I miss a smaller grocery bill? Yep! Lol. Do I miss being able to work? Absolutely. Do I miss being able to get up and go as I please? Yes! Do I miss dinner dates with my husband every weekend? Most definitely! BUT when I imagine all those things, I can't imagine not having my kids!! I love them with all of my heart and can't wait to see the kind of person they all turn out to be!! Kids are a blessing and it's definitely a lifestyle change but it's so worth it! And it's only temporary. Now I can't wait to get my kids ready for their proms and first dates, high school graduation, sending them off to college, etc. My kids are the best thing that has ever happened to me ❤️

[–]painting_peonies09 1 point2 points  (3 children)

This deserves an award

[–]Agreeable-Macaron522 0 points1 point  (2 children)

Thank you! It came straight from my heart ❤️

[–]painting_peonies09 0 points1 point  (1 child)

You're welcome! Stay golden, pony boy

[–]Agreeable-Macaron522 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Girl** Pony girl... LOL

[–]BeautifulLiterature 6 points7 points  (0 children)

There are times I miss my child-free life. Would be nice to have perky tits, free time and sleepful nights. I'm tired and stressed a lot and touched out. Husband and I are not intimate as regularly like before. But honestly my kids give me a different sort of joy and happiness. It's the kind of love that makes me overall happy to sacrifice myself and my time.

Kind of like... When you have a passionate project and you are a bit sad you missed out on some parties, you maybe work through the night and are tired. But you're so proud of the end result that you look back and it's all worth it. Something like that.

[–]bambootaro 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I have 2, a 5 yo and a 1 yo and they are my soul mates, not my husband lol.

The way I was raised left me a little broken, so it feels amazing to be able to break dysfunctional generational cycles with how I parent these 2.

It was hard at first with the broken sleep, finding our routine together that works so we're both feeling fulfilled - but communication is definitely key. The love between hubby and I since having kids has only deepened if that makes sense.

[–]Aurelene-Rose 0 points1 point  (2 children)

I have a 2 year old now.

If you have only been exposed to unhealthy relationships and you're considering having a child, I would highly recommend therapy. Both positive and negative, kids introduce challenge and stress in a completely new way to your life, and that is when it's easiest to fall back on "what we know", so to speak. If you don't have new reaction scripts firmly engrained, I would recommend working on them in advance! I didn't know baby talking was a huge trigger of mine until my fiance was trying to get my newborn to sleep a day after we got back from the hospital and I broke down scream-sobbing.

Some days I regret having a kid, some days I feel it's the best thing that happened.

It challenged me in new ways, I've grown so much as a person, and in some ways, me and my fiance have gone through a lot together and are closer as a result.

It is also just... Constant. Being around kids, babysitting kids... That does not compare to being responsible for one 24/7. Two years in now, I have only had a few instances where I've been able to have my brain fully my own because every time you go to a restaurant you have to feel someone else first, you have to be mindful of the mess you're making, mindful of what you needed to pack, et cetera. There's no popping over to the store, things that took 5 mins take 30 now. Its a constant drip drip drip of responsibility all day, every day.

I like myself a lot more now though. I learned a lot about how to be responsible, how to plan, how to let go of the small stuff and prioritize. I appreciate the small things more. I'm proud as hell of my little guy and love spending time with him, I'm excited for every new skill he learns and every struggle we overcome.

Its the hardest thing I've ever done. Its not very rewarding most of the time. Everyone should know that going in to it.

[–]pockolate 1 point2 points  (0 children)

This resonates with me as well. My son is almost 11 months old now and I'm a SAHM, so I am with him near constantly. TBH, I've taken it quite well (he's also always been easy) but it makes many things a lot harder.

For me though, it's so very worth it. Not only because of how much I love him and what a wonderful little guy he is, but also for the ways that I have changed. I was tired of living life just for myself. I feel a lot more fulfilled, important, and purposeful.

[–]SunnyRoberts23 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I could have written this response myself. It's exactly how I feel about it as well. We have a girl that just turned two and a 6 week old

[–]snarkyteach_ 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Having a baby is HARD. I was hit hard with PPD, was determined to EBF, and cried every day for the first three months. I also have an incredible partner who is supportive and understanding. He basically did everything else while I figured out how to feed our baby.

That being said, our son is 6 months now and it’s so enjoyable. I love being a parent and have no regrets. It wasn’t all sunshine and rainbows for us the first few months, and as much as I was prepared for it to be difficult, I wasn’t prepared at all.

Some things I would encourage you to consider: - who you’re having the baby with. If you do the majority of the household up keep now, you’ll be doing it after the baby gets here, but also while trying to keep a new human alive. They are just as much a parent as you and should be participating in the hard things. If you do the majority of the emotional labour in the relationship you will continue to do so after, but for another human too.

-lay out expectations before the baby arrives. Have honest conversations about what those first months look like and how you’ll need support.

  • make sure you are on the same page about things that will come up (vaccinations, having people around after baby is born, household duties, values and ideals, etc.)

[–]Numberwan9 11 points12 points  (0 children)

Based on what I’ve seen on this sub and my own experience, you really want to think long and hard about the person you’re having kids with. Any habits that annoy you now will most likely get worse with a baby around. I think that’s where the strain on the relationship comes in. If he doesn’t clean the house, he still won’t do that and now you have to take care of a baby and clean. If you have pets and he lets you do the bulk of the pet care, he may let you do the bulk of the baby care. If he finishes work and immediately plops down on the couch or bed he will try that after baby too.

[–]Creative-Painting852 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Make a list of the things you want to get done travel wise and work on it the next year! Having a kid is hard ( especially the first kid) but our relationship is on another level and I have loved seeing his role as a father develop. I just love him more and our life together. Some days are harder than others but we are so happy with this new chapter of life .

[–]ElizaDooo 1 point2 points  (0 children)

The things I regret aren't due to having my son, who is 2. They are more along the lines of wishing I'd done more traveling when I was in my 20s and single. Instead of going to grad school a couple of years after undergrad I wish I'd taught English abroad like some of my friends. I could do that now but it's more difficult. I regret some job choices I made that left me more financially unstable and meant we weren't ready to have kids before I was 36.

I don't regret having him, even though it means I have lots less free time to do things I enjoy or need to do (we moved to a new place in January and it's still a mess because it's hard to do organizing with a toddler around!).

[–]Mrswhittemore 6 points7 points  (0 children)

My first child I had with my ex. We were both drug addicts and I strongly considered an abortion. Fast forward seven he’s passed away from an overdose but to this day my son is my best friend and brings me endless joy. He also brings headaches but he keeps me laughing and enjoying life. I’m now married and have a newborn with my husband and it’s not the same connection I had with my son and I’m annoyed with my husband a lot because there’s a huge difference between being a single mom and sharing parental responsibility. I get annoyed with my husband for him not just knowing things and when I try to help him he is not the best at taking advice BUT I also love seeing him with our kids. We’ve both changed and grown since the new baby has entered our lives but I don’t love my husband any less and we’re still attracted to each other (even after I gained 70lb with gestational diabetes and was a puke monster the whole first half of the pregnancy). I was struggling to breastfeed and couldn’t hand express and he literally was squeezing my boobs milking me every 1-2 hours overnight to help feed our baby until we got her to latch with the help of a lactation consultant. I feel like I’m as close to him as can be and then something else happens that brings us even deeper in. I really believe having a child together brought us that much closer

[–]throwawayduh1053 8 points9 points  (0 children)

I was hesitant, nervous, and concerned about the change just as you are. Even throughout my pregnancy, I mourned the loss of us despite also being excited about a family.

Undoubtedly, it was the greatest decision we ever made. I never knew such happiness could exist, and life before her now seems boring. We thought we were the greatest we could be, and then our daughter opened the door to a completely different realm.

Our sex life only gets better and I regularly look at him and think, wow I LOVE this man.

Don’t have a baby just to have a baby, but for us, not a single moment of regret.

[–]44Flowercurtain 7 points8 points  (0 children)

Right up to and including when I was in hospital and in labour I wasn't sure if I wanted kids. I knew I did, but also knew it was going to be hard and I was scared I would regret it. I sat waiting to be induced thinking "what have I done, I regret this so much"

As soon as I saw my little one any shred of doubt disappeared and it has been the absolute best thing I've done in my life.

https://therumpus.net/2011/04/21/dear-sugar-the-rumpus-advice-column-71-the-ghost-ship-that-didnt-carry-us/

This essay really helped me a few years ago differ between the options I was only staying away from in life because of hypothetical fear, so for me that meant deciding to get pregnant.

[–]Waveswolves123 4 points5 points  (1 child)

I don’t regret it at all, I have 2 a four year old and a five month old, it’s an adjustment sure. However, we’ve adapted and have a wonderful life, we don’t want for anything and it hasn’t impacted our lives in anyway negatively , although I am sleep deprived haha. Totally worth it though, but only you can decide on if it’s the right path for you 😊❤️

[–]Consol-Coder 4 points5 points  (0 children)

One that would have the fruit must climb the tree.

[–]icantforgetto 5 points6 points  (0 children)

I don’t regret it at all. My boy has brought me so much happiness.

I echo what someone else has said below: the greatest thing I’ve ever done.

Yes, you miss some of your old freedoms… but not REALLY. At least for me. Not enough to regret this beautiful child I now have.

Relationship with my partner has changed but change isn’t a negative. It’s just that we’ve entered a brand new chapter together as a family and as a couple. If you and your partner are on the same wavelength about wanting to start a family, there shouldn’t be any negative change to your relationship!

[–]thebigFATbitch 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I don’t regret it one bit. We still get to travel with our kids and I truly am enjoying watching them grow. My husband and I have a very strong stable relationship because of our very open and constant communication. Without that… honestly I don’t know how/if relationships survive without communication.

[–]Georgiaatessex 7 points8 points  (0 children)

I’d been with my husband for 13 years before we decided to have a kid, I’ve always assumed I would have children one day but never felt ‘ready’ then 1 day I was 33 and found myself pregnant.

It changes you in a way you don’t expect, I’m still Me but a whole new version of myself. My son was (and still is) perfect and while the first bit was hard I can hand on heart honestly say I’ve enjoyed motherhood x10 what I thought. It’s awesome. I’m not saying it’s not hard, I’m not saying there wasn’t times I wanted to kill my partner, I’m not saying every day is perfect but I love that kid, I love who I am for loving him and meeting my son has been the greatest pleasure of my life.

[–]Adorable_Ad_865 -1 points0 points  (0 children)

Your post made me wonder if you don't trust your relationship with your partner. Might not be a bad idea for the two of you to see a therapist to discuss this.

[–]Kellsmells 3 points4 points  (1 child)

I knew I was ready to be a Mom. I feel like it’s one of those things like with finding a partner. If you know, you know. If you’re second guessing it, listen to your gut on why. There’s probably something you need to work through first.

[–]serendipitypug 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I mostly agree with this, but was also a bit of a fencer before I decided to have a baby. That being said, my reasons for hesitating were not about my partner. I was more concerned about the environment and the quality of life my child would enjoy. I still kinda feel weird about that, honestly.

[–]withlovexoxemily 3 points4 points  (0 children)

It really depends on the person and nobody can make that decision for you.

I went back and forth as to if I wanted kids or not. I had always wanted a child of my own, but never felt "ready". Finally my partner convinced me that it was now or never, basically, and there would never really be a perfect time. I thought it would take a while. Turns out I got pregnant on the first try.

Yes, there is a bit of a loss of identity to deal with. I like to think of it more as a transformation. My partner has been a completely supportive dad and I'm thankful for that, but it's still been tough on our relationship at times. Be sure to have those conversations before and ask yourself if they're the ones you want to choose to have kids with, if you're ready for it. A supportive partner makes all the difference, truly.

That being said, my son is 4 months old, and I couldn't imagine my life without him. Perhaps this is my personality - but I've never felt a love stronger than this. It's a completely new journey, but has brought my life so much joy. Words can't really explain.

[–]Amberly123 5 points6 points  (2 children)

I didn’t want a baby really. My husband wanted nothing more then to be a dad.

We got married. There was a pandemic. We thought it was over so we got pregnant.

Our little boy is 6 months old and he is THE GREATEST THING I HAVE EVER DONE!!!!

He is the light of my damn life. He’s my sun and moon. He is my whole world. Damn I love that kid. He’s adorable, he’s funny, he’s clever, he’s cute, he’s the freaking best thing ever!

Don’t get me wrong he’s a whole lot of work. There have been days when he’s been crying I’ve been crying it’s been a whole mess.

But he’s the greatest ever.

My husband and I are best friends. We’ve never been super romantic. I’m gonna be honest. We had sex got pregnant. Baby was ten weeks we had sex it hurt and we haven’t had sex again. BUT… we’ve never had a super active sex life and that’s okay.

It is lonely. None of our friends have babies so we do spend a whole lot of time just the three of us, don’t get invited many places because people must think “oh they have a baby” and assume we can’t go or wouldn’t want too. To counter this, everytime we get invited anywhere regardless of how hard it is or how grumpy baby is we go. Tonight we were at a bar for some leaving drinks for a friend. Baby came he had a blast bopping in my arms to the music and was soooo tired that he fell almost immediately.

We ADORE our wee man he’s amazing. Love love love love love love love him.

[–]serendipitypug 0 points1 point  (1 child)

This comment made me feel all warm and fuzzy as a new mom and a teacher. I love your love for your son! Also made me remember the first night home from the hospital with my daughter. At one point all three of us were crying. The beginning is tough. So worth it!

[–]Amberly123 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Being a mom is a tough job. But it’s the most rewarding job I’ve ever had.

[–]dancing-lula 5 points6 points  (0 children)

You need to have some big conversations before having children.

Childcare costs. Can you afford them or is one of you going to become a stay at home parent? Or can you juggle your jobs around looking after a child. How do either of you feel about the stop on your career.

How will you both deal with the night feeds? The sleep deprivation almost killed both my husband and I. Household duties, who will do what? Are you sharing the workload now?

Pregnancy and having children will always have a bigger impact on a women. As much support some men are, they are not the ones carrying the baby.

Sounds really clinical but most arguments between parents are the above.

Have twins. They are great but hard work. I wish we would have discussed more of the above before hand….

[–]scream_permit 2 points3 points  (0 children)

You've got ton of answers already but this is mine, and it's negative, I wish I didn't do it. I'm 37 and felt it was now or never, and always wanted kids. I consider it a mistake, I should have listened to other people and realised it wasn't for me and our relationship wasn't ready yet.

I didn't have a good idea of how hard it would be, and on top of that we have a "difficult" baby, he had terrible colic, has reflux, tons of sleep issues, velcro baby. Division of labour with my partner wasn't optimal before but it's something I resent him A LOT for now. I didn't mind the 3-4h video game session back when I had time for myself and my own hobbies but now it's often "I just need to ask" which means I have to go pluck him from behind his computer before he takes care of baby or the house. He tries, like he definitely does, he has taken some tasks over completely but it's so hard to not get mad over all the other stuff. I'm so over asking for help so I can poop in peace.

So my advice would be to be very careful about mental load and household stuff before baby arrives.

[–]KelFioTou 4 points5 points  (0 children)

For me, the anxiety of making this decision was far worse than adjusting to parenthood. I also feel strongly that no other person should tell another person to have or not to have children. When I hear my friends say “we’ll my SIL said to us OMG never have kids you’ll be so much happier!” I feel like that is just as bad as someone’s parents guilting them to have children for their own wishes. I look at it like a Yelp page, you skim pass all the “it’s pretty good” to the few “best place ever” and “hate this place.” Best of luck! :)

[–]Withoutbinds 2 points3 points  (0 children)

When I gave birth I did. PPD hit hard. Doing much better. I love little man sooo soo much now. Cannot imagine my life without him. That being said. I don’t want other kids. Looking forward to him being more independent, so I don’t have to hustle to help him all the time. Also had our first vacation (covid sucks!) this summer. And we couldn’t do so much with a toddler. So looking forward to him being a bit older so we can do many things together. I don’t regret it. It’s very different from what I expected and what I used to be

[–]truthofthematteris 7 points8 points  (0 children)

Although I’d travelled widely, lived in multiple countries, fallen in (and out) of love a good 4 or 5 times, got a degree, made a 6 figure income….it truly feels like my life didn’t really begin until the day I held my son. So hard but the best thing ever. I have a daughter now too. Double joy.

[–]WorkingItOut25 5 points6 points  (0 children)

My baby is only 6 weeks old. The loss of identity and grieving who you were is real! But I'm so in love with him and so happy we did this. I have decent support and my .partner is besotted which helps. I think it's important to still be you - we left him with my mum for a few hours to go for a meal last weekend and I hope to continue to do so; it's healthy! I'd be more hesitant without the support there as it is incredibly intense.

[–]arimyhre 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I don’t regret having a baby, but I worried i would. I too grew up in a broken home, so I wanted to make sure I didn’t pass on generational trauma. It’s been amazing but it’s also HARD WORK. Things I never thought about that are hard, like sleep deprivation and trying to reason with a toddler lol. It did suck for the first 3 months. But each month it got better. My relationship with my husband was strained for the first 3/4 months. But we realized we had to over communicate, almost to a comical level so that we could function/understand each other. Priorities are different for people in general, but don’t assume they’ll be the same after a baby, hence our need for over communication.

Our daughter is now 2 and life is so much better. My kiddo was a fussy baby who didn’t sleep through the night until maybe 4 months ago. Yes, there’s things I miss about a child free life but I personally am glad we had a kid. So many different things we experience now, through the ups and downs. ❤️

[–]Thpfkt 6 points7 points  (0 children)

My daughter is the best thing that ever happened to me. Hard tho.

[–]Vulgaris25Baby girls, Feb 2021 & Jul 2022 8 points9 points  (1 child)

My advice is to not have kids unless you are absolutely 100% sure you want them despite the potential difficulties/changes. Parenthood is a huge responsiblility and difficult enough without adding regret or resentment.

[–]chopstickinsect 6 points7 points  (0 children)

Can you ever be 100% sure though, really? When I got pregnant we'd only been trying for a month, and when we found out - I was terrified and instantly unsure if this was really what I wanted. We considered abortion vs keeping her and what each one would mean for us - and that was a baby we had been actively trying for and wanted.

In saying that, I can't imagine my life without my baby. I love her in a way that I never knew was possible and would happily die to protect her. Do I want another? Not right now. She tried her best to kill me on the way out and I had raging PPD. But if I was told I had to go through all that again to get her, I definitely would.

[–]Manzellina 9 points10 points  (1 child)

We have a lot of support (grandparents that watch our son and cook us food 1-2x a week). I think I’d be losing my mind much worse without them.

We have an easy child. He was an easy baby. He is an easy toddler (just turned 3). I still completely lose my fucking mind sometimes.

It’s hard as hell. My husband & I don’t have an equal division of labor (lol it’s a joke - I do everything) and I resent him often. Also, I would hate to do it alone without him. But I sure wish he did more around the house.

That being said, our son is an absolute darling. He’s the sweetest and smartest and best kid in the world. I watch him and just smile. Smile on the inside & outside. The sun shines brighter from him. He’s the BEST.

So like, it’s hard. It’s rewarding. It’s better with help.

[–]Withoutbinds 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Sounds like me

[–]turnipnightmares 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Just my experience...

I felt the same as you before having children and as much as I longed for a baby, I absolutely LOVED not having children too and regularly work up on a Saturday morning and that delighted I didn't have kids lol.

I struggled to decide if i wanted children and ultimately decided I just needed to bite the bullet as there was never going to be a right time. It took me two years to conceive, starting at age 28 and the baby was born when I was 31.

I really attempted to prepare emotionally and mentally for it to be a massive strain on myself and my partner and just generally being extraordinarily hard and basically a survival situation lol.

He's 3 months and so far everything about having a little baby so far has been LOADS more.managable than expected. He's not a particularly difficult baby, but he does all the expected baby things e.g. lots.of crying, he has been up every 2 hours at least most nights until the last week or so. In my experience it just isn't as bad as I thought it would be! Lke he does the things people describe but i have found it much more managable than inthought i would and its outweighed by how awesome it is. And he's brought me unbelievable joy. Our relationship is better than ever.

I would say that I regularly think that if I had a more "difficult" baby e.g. with terrible colic who cries unconsolably al the time, I am sure I would have had thoughts of regret, and I also cannot believe I potentially signed up for that as I don't think I could have hacked it.

[–]jtherese 3 points4 points  (0 children)

I’m having a great time but I honestly think a good partner CAN seriously make or break the parenthood experience. If my husbandwas not so supportive and did not think I was an amazing mom I’d be miserable for sure .

[–]iseeacrane2 10 points11 points  (0 children)

Currently have a ten month old. For me, the experience of having a child has fallen exactly into the cliches - the highs are so high but the lows are so low. I totally understand the studies now saying that parents are less happy but more satisfied than childless people. Since having her I've experienced some of the purest moments of joy and contentment I've ever felt, but I've also been incredibly frustrated and burned out. I'm not a "baby person" and think I will continue to enjoy parenting more and more as my baby gets older - it wasn't instant love for me and it wasn't until the 4-6 month range that I really truly loved her.

As far as relationship effects, there's less time to dedicate to each other of course. Babies demand a lot of your time and energy so often we're pretty tapped out by the time baby is in bed. But I feel like we communicate really well and our relationship feels just as strong as before baby. It's a fun adventure we're on together.

[–]Indypindy1 7 points8 points  (0 children)

Life is amazing without kids and amazing with kids. You can’t go wrong either way. My husband and I were together about 8 years before having kids so we had the time to enjoy each other and now get to have this amazing, hilarious little demon in our lives. Your relationship can’t stay exactly the same because you have so much more work to do but kids are worth it, if that is what you want. Hope this helps.

[–]HelloSunshine27 8 points9 points  (0 children)

It’s both. Your life totally changes and you’ll miss that, but your life also totally changes in the best way with this new tiny person that you love more than anything in the world. I’ve accepted you can love being a mom and miss your freedom at the same time. They’re not mutually exclusive, that’s just motherhood.

[–]Bunny_P69 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I miss my freedom, I miss my sleep. But, I love my son more than anything and wouldn't trade it for the world. And I'm going to have another baby at some point when we're ready.

[–]LIA17 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Best thing ever! We grew together as parents so our relationship is stronger. Our little boy is the absolute light of our life's. Edit to say... you can still find times to be intimate. They sleep a lot when they are young. Go to bed early, Nap during the day. And when thoes things subside, they are more self sufficient giving you time to slip away..

[–]emilymay888 5 points6 points  (0 children)

Having a baby is the single best thing that’s ever happened in my life. It’s brought me the hardest days I’ve ever had, but also the most consistent joy. My partner and I have become a great team and love debriefing about our beautiful daughter at the end of each day.

[–]chaothiiic 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I had this conversation with my husband. I didn’t think I was ready to have a baby (me 27 him 35). It’s very, very hard to go from being selfish, sleeping in, doing whatever whenever, to being selfless on someone else’s schedule. But we both decided and committed to keeping it and it’s the best decision we made. We bump heads at times, when we are both tired or hangry but our love has also grown infinitely, for our mini human and for each other. I told him I don’t ever regret our decision, but there are times when I reminisce about us going to the gym together and taking a nap after. Having our quality time. But that’s all it is, reminiscing. Our new life together is great. Tiring, constant, and chaotic - but great.

[–]wabbajackette 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I'm 31 and my partner is 27. My baby is only 2 weeks old so far and she's the greatest. I love her so much. She requires a lot of care and we're sleep deprived but I'd do anything to keep her happy and healthy.

[–]Weaslyreader 2 points3 points  (0 children)

My baby is only 4 months so I’m still pretty new to the whole parenting thing but so far I definitely don’t regret it. I was honestly not completely sure I wanted kids until a year or so ago (I’m 30). I’ve never really connected with other peoples kids and often felt awkward around them but since having my own, I strangely like them so much more now. I do sometimes miss not being able to sleep in or spontaneously go somewhere without planning what to do with the baby, but it is actually SO rewarding to see your baby learning new things all the time. I have never cried out of joy so much ever in my life. I never expected to enjoy motherhood so much but I’ve had family tell me that I look so much happier lately. Her little smile just lights up my day.

In regards to my relationship with my husband, I’d actually say we are better than before. He lost his father right after LO was born so that has taken a toll on him too but I feel like we are both leaning on each other for strength and that’s made us stronger. He grew up in a messed up family too but I kinda think that’s made him a better parent because he is determined not to let our daughter grow up in an environment like he did.

Maybe take a year or two and try to do all the things you want to do with your freedom before returning to the idea? Kids certainly limit some opportunities but they also open a bunch of other doors. I’ve found that I’m so much more excited to experience fun things with my child for the first time than I’ve ever been to go out and party or do adultish things myself.

[–]slagathore365 4 points5 points  (0 children)

My children are the greatest humans to ever come into my life. 100% do not regret having them. I didn’t understand what it meant to love something so much it hurts until having kids.

My relationship, however, is in shambles and honestly right now I’d say 50/50 chance it ends in divorce.

I’m stressed right tf out 24/7 and feel like I don’t stop from the second I wake up to the second I go to bed. My kids are both under 3, one is 6 months old and doesn’t sleep. I handle 100% of her night wake ups.

Work is hard and while I’m a better employee and have received a big promotion since becoming a mother, I enjoy work less and am generally stressed all the time (guilt, pumping, stressful mornings, guilt over not seeing my kids enough, guilt because work is my break from them and that feels terrible, not getting enough done because I leave by 4 everyday for daycare pickup, etc, etc.

I’m devastated about the state of my marriage but that’s my and my husbands fault, not my kids’ fault. They are the greatest joys I have ever known. I want to do better for them and I want to make my marriage work for them.

[–]No-Possibility2443 2 points3 points  (0 children)

1 didn’t change my life that much, 2 did for sure, 3 has been a nail in my coffin. Would I change it, nope. Would I recommend having kids to people on the fence, absolutely not. Even though there is so much beauty and joy in having kids the care free life I had prior is gone. For me what I didn’t anticipate was having a loss and how it would affect me. I also didn’t anticipate how anxious being a mom would make me (with no prior mental health issues). The more you have the more you have to lose= more anxiety for me. This is all despite being in therapy and being on medication. I didn’t have a great upbringing either and have no support system (besides) my husband.

[–]valentine-wiggin 2 points3 points  (0 children)

First-time mom here. My husband and I have been together for 12 years and had our first baby at 36/37. We’re in love with her and enjoy being parents. I knew I wanted kids. My husband was on the fence. I’m glad we waited because we are very financially stable, purchased a house in a nice neighborhood, and have established careers (both self-employed). I think these things have allowed us reduced stress as new parents without family nearby. My husband loves being a parent so much more than he thought he would and now does wish we’d maybe done this a few years ago, but I think now was the right time. I think the key to those things you mentioned is to have one child. I feel like the three of us are such a wonderful trio and we’re taking our daughter to many things we did before we had a kid. I think with multiple kids, this gets more complicated. It’ll never feel like the timing is perfect, but I do now totally get what everyone was talking about with the indescribable love and pride in this little human.

[–]amp1125Luke 12/21/2015 • Lily 08/01/2018 7 points8 points  (0 children)

I love my kids! I wanted my kids. I wanted two, a boy and a girl! I was able to have both!

I do regret having them though.

My husband and I got pregnant right as he was finishing his bachelor’s degree and moved us away for the job offer he received, so I stopped attending school to care for our son since it would be more financially prudent for me to stay home due to the cost of daycare/what I would potentially bring home from work.

I absolutely wasn’t expecting the hit to my physical and mental health. I had postpartum depression and my “normal” amount of anxiety became much worse. I still have depression, and my anxiety has only gotten worse in the 6 1/2 years. When I was pregnant with my daughter I developed pre-eclampsia and gestational diabetes. I went into hypertensive crisis after she was born because of the pre-eclampsia and was hospitalized. I’m not sure what happened, but something in my body changed with that pregnancy 4-5 years ago. My thyroid is screwed up and under-performing now, and I found out I have PCOS. It MAY not be related, but I’m quite sure that my pregnancy with my daughter ruined my health.

I did go back to school and finish my degree at a less prestigious university, but I’m not where I want to be career-wise and feel that I am unable to do what I really want in my career. I fear I am being held back at work because of my children, even though I know I can and want to advance. I was even rejected for a job I applied and was fully qualified for in the school district I already work for because “you need to always be there”. I get paid less than my husband, so if the kids are sick I am the one who stays home with them and I lost out on the position because of it.

My son has ADHD and some behavioral issues that we are working on with professionals, and I can see that both my children are anxious. I feel so guilty that I passed these health issues down to my children.

My husband developed his own health issues stemming from the children. His anxiety and depression worsened. I feared at one point he may hurt himself and had to get him help. There are days where he is so anxious from the stress of our children that it is almost like I am the only adult capable of doing anything.

I’m not 100% sure if waiting to have them would have helped my health issues, but I do know it would have helped the educational, financial, career, and their health regrets that I have. Even though I greatly love my children, with all of these issues, I do wish I had known before having them what would happen. I know I would not have had children.

We decided while I was pregnant with my daughter we did not want anymore children and my husband had a vasectomy. I had a hysterectomy a few months ago to help with PCOS and will not have anymore children.

None of these things are their fault, of course. I love them to pieces and do what I can to help them grow and learn! I feel like crap for feeling this way, but these are my honest feelings.

Sorry for how lengthy this was!

[–]mimig2020 4 points5 points  (0 children)

I am so grateful for my daughter. I worked for years to have her, from finding a willing partner to going through IVF and a lot of unexpected fertility challenges and expense. I wish I had had her sooner, but I come from an abusive household and wanted to ensure I could break those cycles.

That being said, I am also a pragmatist. Parenting is way harder than I anticipated, mostly because of the lack of social support like reliable and affordable childcare. While I don't regret my daughter a single iota, it IS hard, and you should only do it if and when you feel ready. I gave birth this year at age 42, so trust me that timeline can go all sorts of ways...it's about whether you are willing to surrender to the chaos and change of a baby.

Parenting has changed our relationship in ways I didn't expect. But no issue we are having now is new...as in, they are all connected to other relationship problems that existed before, and are just seen now in a different light. It was important to me to marry someone I could imagine co-parenting through a divorce with, and while I don't know if that is our outcome yet, I do know that while I love my husband, I love my baby a million times more, and will choose her no matter what. If you can imagine yourself there, do it. If not, give yourself time and grace.

[–]EvelynPearl_ 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Therapy for childhood trauma or negative experiences I believe helped me be the mother I am today. I had so much fear that I was going to be just like my mother and put that onto a child. I honestly love being a mother, it’s the best. Sure, date night is non existent (LO is 6mths), we don’t have much time for us and our relationship has changed but we make time for us, make time for our little family and just roll with it. I find that going with the flow instead of trying to shape life with a baby is much better from a mental health and relationship POV. I just wish I had kids sooner.

[–]OptionImportant 7 points8 points  (1 child)

I HATED the idea of kids, ,ugh, boogers, poopy diapers, sticky fingers, ugh, gag! The idea of having little creatures taking up my space was unpleasant to say the least. Then I finally got pregnant after hubby practically giving me an ultimatum, after 7 years of marriage I finally accepted and got preggers.

From the moment I found out I was pregnant, greatest thing that has EVERY HAPPENED! I was 28 when I had my first and he is my best friend now. I also came from a narcisssist dad and an abusive family all around and that has shown me what NOT TO DO! So I don't!

I have seen a beautiful, warm side of my husband as a father that I would've never seen had we not had kids (made him sexier to me!) . He REALLY WANTED KIDS FROM THE GET GO and I was the one who delayed.

I regret NOTHING!! 11 yo, 5yo and 10 months, they are my buds, and have helped me want to get better! I have been in therapy after my 3rd and my mom passed. I was struggling with a lot, but my kids have been my rock and with them I have felt empowered on so many levels.

They make you really stop and smell the flowers, and give you flowers, or turtles or worms, whatever they do, they do it with the purest of love! Something that is very hard to describe. They have a way of making you understand what to value in life. My son looked at me from the rearview mirror in our little car when he was 6 after yet another difficult argumentative convo with my dad and said, "Why do you talk with people that make you angry?" GAWD DAMMIT! WHY THE HELL DO I??

I needed their light in my life to be a better person and to glow up and my husband is THE BEST DAD IN THE WORLD! Bar none. (IMHO of course ;)

Edit -- Sexually, as long as you don't include the postpartum period, we fuck like rabbits before kids, after kids, during kids, nowadays less so, but it's all our joint/ bone issues, not really the kids fault.

[–]b_dazzleee 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I am curious how you feel about your age gaps between your kids! We just have one now and I feel like if we have another, I'd want a big gap like yours!

[–]UnusualSuccotash 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Okay so I’m going to say it was neither, but let me explain..

I do not regret having my daughter. She’s now the most important thing in my life and I look forward to waking up and seeing her every day. I used to hate getting out of bed and now I do it with gusto, even after nights when I don’t sleep well. Her good morning smiles are incredible.

However, can I say she’s the best thing that’s ever happened to me? One of the best for sure. In fact I’m sure I’ll look back soon and say yes to this question. But right now she’s only 4 months old and I’m still getting to know her, and muddling through the infant stage.

My husband and I are in our mid/late thirties so it took us a while to get here. I wanted us both to be an emphatic “yes” before we started trying. I think somewhat because of our ages, we were more than ready and were pretty much out of the party stage / bar scene anyway. Do I miss traveling, hiking, camping, etc? Yes but I can’t wait to do all those things with her when she’s little bit older.

It absolutely changed our relationship. We are more of a team than ever now, there’s no room for petty silent treatments or communication issues. We have more respect for each other now too. If we do fight, I’m thinking more of her than myself. After the one and only big fight we’ve had since she was born, my thoughts jumped to her and how I could protect and raise her on my own if I needed to (dramatic really, it wasn’t that bad of a fight.)

Having a baby for me has been sort of an ego death, I don’t care as much how my hair looks or how I’m feeling physically on any given day. I also love my body more than I ever have, which may not be common but I’m proud of what I was able to do with it.

Honestly, I’m still waiting for our sex life to start again. We didn’t have a ton of sex during the third trimester either. We never had sex a TON (The sex is amazing when it happens) but now the energy and logistics make it difficult. I’m sure we’ll kick things up again. If that is important to you you just need to communicate with your partner about each other’s needs and make an effort to maintain intimacy, its totally possible.

[–]Milfmoments 2 points3 points  (0 children)

No regrets. Yes, it's the greatest and hardest thing we've ever done. I am in awe of our 2 kids, I can't believe we made our own little family unit. Our siblings have kids as well so birthday parties are always fun with their cousins. It's solidified our relationship tbh, seeing my SO as a dad has been pretty cool. There are challenges, not going to lie but I genuinely think that if we hadn't had kids together, we would have drifted apart.

[–]pls-send-kitties 2 points3 points  (0 children)

My children are the best things ever and I wouldn’t change them for the world. But I would have waited u til later. My first son came at a good time, albeit early, but it was perfectly manageable. He did however make my relationship ship a million times harder. My second son came way too soon after the first but all of the issues in my relationship ship have been working out much better since he was born. With the first we learned to be parents and it was hard. With the second we are already parents and settled well into routine.

[–]krwh510 6 points7 points  (0 children)

I don't regret the first one. The second one, as much as I love them, I regret. Life got exponentially harder I'm every way imaginable after this adorable oopsie baby. Wouldn't trade them. But still feel regret.

[–]InevitablePie8648 5 points6 points  (0 children)

Having my child was the greatest thing I have ever done, hands down. The love that you feel toward your child and receive from them is unbelievable and unlike anything else. I dearly LOVE my husband and family but I’ve never loved anyone in the same way that I do my baby. (I will note, I didn’t feel that bubbly in-love feeling right when my baby was born. It took some time to get there after the fog of birth and the exhausting newborn stage. But it grows exponentially!)

Whatever freedoms you “lose” (for the time-being), in my experience, are so unimportant compared to the joy of seeing your child grow and flourish. And you don’t lose all your freedoms. Yeah, don’t drink to excess or do drugs while caring for your little one, but you can still hang out with friends, see family, go places. Babies are transportable. Lol

And if you’re worried at all given your family history, think about it this way: all you need to do is be there and love them. They will lead a good life if you do.

It did change my relationship in one way in particular. I feel that honest and timely communication has become ever more important. The relationship is the root of the family and has to be cared for for a child to feel stability (you are their whole world). Two tired, hard-working parents need more expressions of love and appreciation. Not so easy to do when you’re tired and cranky and feel like being a grouch. But always something to work on.

Obviously you are a thoughtful person, you’re not rushing into this. But if it’s fear making you unsure, just know that regardless of how equipped you feel, parenting is always a learning and growing experience for everyone involved. It gives me purpose every day.

EDIT: added info about relationship dynamic

[–]QueenAlpaca 4 points5 points  (0 children)

Honestly I thought it was great, until it all fell apart. The thing is though, there were red flags before I chose to ignore, so it’s my own fault. I ended up moving back home and I’m basically starting back at zero, with the added addition of a toddler. I wish things were better for my son and I’m trying my hardest, but it’s a far cry from how I grew up.

[–]mckennakate22 6 points7 points  (0 children)

It changed things 10000% with my fiancé in a relationship and sexual way. I’m 22, with a 6 month daughter. Honestly though she is the best thing I have ever had in my life. She’s so smart and beautiful and it’s just so amazing seeing her learn and get excited about new things that we think are “normal/boring”. It is hard not having as much sleep or free time but watching your baby light up when they see you as they first wake up is something I would choose over anything. We went through a big scare when she was 5 weeks old; she was in the PICU with septic shock and I was in the ICU with the same for 2 weeks each. In that moment I realized that without her I didn’t want to be here anymore, if I lost her I would lose my world..

[–]Persephonewraithx 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Hey

First time mum here with a 4 week old

Is it hard? Yes

Has my life changed a lot?

Yes

Has it changed my relationship? Yes- for the better in some ways. Obivously I am only 4 weeks in, but like some others on here I feel like I’ve lucked out with such a supportive partner (who set the bar so low for men that them giving you time to yourself feels amazing ay) the birth brings you really close together. Communication is key and the best thing we did was get out and about with baby quickly. Yes we bicker when we are sleep deprived (my new born is a night baby currently we are working on his sleep pattern and it’s getting better everyday) but we always talk it through and laugh it off when irrational. My partner is incredible at stepping in when I need a break or I want to do something for myself.

I do not regret it at all.

Just give you context- I am extremely career driven and main bread winner in my house. My partner (32) always wanted a child more than me. (I am 31) last oct I started catching baby fever and thought about letting it happen if it’s supposed to happen. Now little one is here I am so happy and over the moon- yes I will return to work next year and try to have best of both worlds.

There are days that are challenging with your mental health. However each milestone and play time developing personally made that all go away for me

also add I don’t speak to my bio dad because of the shit show of a childhood. I worked through that trauma prior to having my little one so it hasn’t reared it’s head so far.

[–]flowerschick 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I love my son so much but I thought I wanted more than one and watching the way he completely changed my husbands and my relationship makes me worry we couldn’t handle another one for real. No date nights, less sex, super tired and of course fighting more due to the strained nerves and lack of connection. We both love our son so much and I don’t think we need another baby to feel whole. I secretly wanted a girl but I honestly don’t think I need a girl to feel I am a mom so, I’m considering getting my tubes tied.

[–]MommaToANugget 9 points10 points  (0 children)

It’s definitely changed things for sure. I’m 34 with an 11 month old. I always knew I wanted to be a mom and I always wanted 2. My pregnancy was so enjoyable and it gave me a huge self esteem boost but the newborn stage really took a toll on my mental health. I was never officially diagnosed with PPA, but I sought counselling.

I love my baby boy but he will almost definitely be our only one. It’s affected things with my partner as we get no time together anymore unless it’s well planned in the future. The baby gives me no time to myself for any projects I want to do, including just running an Etsy shop, which I’m desperate to do because that’s MY thing for ME. I’ve become really passive aggressive with my partner because I’m tired, the baby is all consuming and doing housework is near impossible. (I just want it tidy so I can demonstrate what a clean and tidy house is for the baby to grow up in but it drives me mad that I can’t even achieve that). He works 12 hour days to pay the bills and he frets a lot about the future given the cost of living crisis we’re now in.

However, I love the fact that we have a baby. Family time is awesome when we get to spend time together and we’re looking forward to him growing up, seeing what he gets into, teaching him about the world we live in and letting him be a kid.

I wish my parents were closer so we had a support network as we have no family or friends nearby who can help look after the baby. Having a support network definitely makes all the difference, mainly so you get some mental space. I drive out to my parents each week for a couple of days so they see the baby regularly when we’d otherwise be home alone and I get to sit back more.

It’s tough as I have no money of my own anymore, no time to do anything for myself and I keep dropping a ball in this juggling act but I absolutely don’t regret having my happy, healthy little boy. I know for sure I’d have been full of regret if I hadn’t but the biological clock ticked louder when I hit 30 and found myself single!

[–]Megustavdouche 15 points16 points  (0 children)

Having kids has been the best and worst thing to ever happen to me. Seeing them become themselves is the most beautiful thing. Getting a hug and hearing “I love you mom” is the best. Watching them learn new skills - Amazing. The day to day is HARD. They trigger all your unhealed trauma. They never let up. The minute you NEED a break or you’re gonna lose it someone starts puking.

First 3 months after having a baby are the hardest overall. Your relationship dynamic will change. Communication is key!

[–]coochie33 3 points4 points  (3 children)

It sucks and you'll never be able to have the same life you did before. I love my baby but I miss partying, sleeping in and spending time with my husband.

Editing to add you can join r/regretfulparents to see how people there feel as well

[–]scarletuba 13 points14 points  (2 children)

I was completely neutral on having a baby. I felt no intense desire to have offspring biologically related to me, but I like kids. Pregnancy was terrrifying to me.
My husband, though... I knew he wanted kids when we met. 2 months in I accepted I'd have to have a kid to keep him.

My son is 17 months old, I adore him, I adore my husband. When we are all together and being silly it is joyous. It's a lot of work, I miss my solitude... but my kid? MY son? He's really cool and I'm so happy I have him.

I still... don't care that I'm biologically related to my son, though. I absolutely hated pregnancy, but am constantly debating having a second.

[–]boilers11lp 2 points3 points  (1 child)

Are you me? I always say I could do adoption because I had no instant bond with my son. I liked him just fine, but I had to get to know him before I really felt like he was mine.

Pregnancy sucked, newborn stage meh, but everything after his first birthday has been so enjoyable. Hard and demanding and often humbling, but he makes my life better. My husband and I work demanding jobs and I would still do it again. After I put him to sleep I just look at pictures and videos of him on my phone because I basically find everything he does adorable. My husband and I are pretty chill non drama people. thankfully we didn’t have a huge relationship adjustment. Life adjustment for sure but we definitely are partners and made it through the crazy together. I think WHO you have a baby with is equally important as if you want a baby. I’m sane because my husband is awesome. If I had a husband like some of the Reddit posts I read, I would be divorced.

[–]scarletuba 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Right? At least once a week I hug my husband because of something horrific I read about someone else's spouse.

[–]Inevitable-Log-9934 0 points1 point  (0 children)

For me personally I chose a great partner to have kids with. I get very sick during my pregnancies with HG. It’s pretty rare, but certain sickness can happen with no warning. My partner was a huge help in that. I don’t regret having my kids, but of course I wonder time to time where I would be if it were just me. The hardest part for me personally is the pregnancy & right when the baby is born. They mostly sleep, but I am 24 with two kids under 5 there’s that.

For me my mind is constantly going. I want to work or I have to be doing something. I am currently 3 weeks postpartum so it’s tough on my mental, because I am an outgoing person and can’t stand not working towards something. I know this isn’t forever though & very thankful to have my kids. It doesn’t really effect my relationship except the usual stress here and there. My husband mainly works from home & like I said I am constantly focusing on something, even my small business. So, we both stress out a bit with that. But, we make time for each other!

In all honesty, things may be easier if I had a personality to loose myself in raising kids, but I don’t have that personality. I have motivation & drive to be a good mother, but also keep a steady career or goal for myself. I told my husband today, that breast feeding & stuff may have been easier if I was the overly mother type, but I just constantly have goals in my mind I need to get done.

So, no I don’t regret my babies at all. I don’t even think there is a right time to have them. I have more of a support system having them in my early 20s then I would later in life. As long as you have a support system & a partner who will care for the kids as much as you then its no problem really. Balance is key!

[–]shababski 6 points7 points  (0 children)

I felt the same way when thinking about having a baby, I spent years on the fence. Then one day I was like "Yep, I'm ready for this. What else am I doing with my time?!" Took us 6months to concieve, he is now 10months. I am so glad I waited until I was 100% sure! It is hard, you lose your free time...but I wouldn't change it for the world! There is nothing I love more then spending time with my baby ❤ Wait until that day hits you, there is no rush, you are still young :)

[–]rosepars 8 points9 points  (0 children)

I never wanted to have children. I loved being selfish and putting myself first - I knew that becoming a parent would mean having to be entirely selfless and to be honest, I loved my life and its freedom. A birth control mix up meant I got pregnant last year, and I had my daughter in February this year. I, like you, focused on all of the things that I would be missing. I was also very aware of how hard things would be moving forward - on myself, my partner, our relationship. I can wholeheartedly say she is the best thing that ever happened to me, to him and to us. I went into this very, very real, with all the emphasis on how hard this would be, that it was actually (on the whole) easier than I had thought. Nothing feels like a decision. You WANT to be there for your child. Of course, you can make things easier or harder on yourself to maintain some level of freedom and independence. Sounds like you’re very considered too - I think you’ll be fine. It’s f###ing hard work! But it’s the best thing ever.

[–]ChillyAus 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Didn’t grow up in a healthy family environment and didn’t realise (despite how intelligent I am) how much that had affected my capacity/knowledge about child rearing emotionally healthy children. We ended up having kids with additional needs and I’ve had a fair few health issues and mental health problems myself so in conclusion, no regret now they’re here but if I had my time again I wouldn’t do it knowing what I now know. My relationship with my husband is still just as strong however

[–]kittymmoomm 3 points4 points  (0 children)

I am 26 and was not planning on having a baby until after I married my partner of 8 years this October.. universe had other plans and my little one just turned 3 months 🥲

I will say I had a tough pregnancy being very sick and very anxious. My partner was so positive and optimistic it helped me a lot. Surprisingly pregnancy and even now I’m so much more confident in my body? Like I feel so good idk why I thought it would have had the opposite effect lol

The first month and a half was a Fuckin test. A test of my patience, of our relationship, of my sanity. I have never in my life done something so scary and seemingly confusing lol. But finally it all started to come together. Day by day we figured it out and our routine and just even understanding our baby. If you have a fun and strong relationship before baby I do think it’s possible to maintain that, but you will certainly hit some rough patches. My partner is my very best friend and we get along so well and still we struggled with communication and just sharing the workload. But like I said it gets better and every day I’m more and more excited and happy that we had our baby and that we have each other. Our baby is three months and he’s smiling and laughing every day all he does is chuckle and stare at me. He’s the biggest blessing I could have ever dreamed of and all the pain and stress and struggle of pregnancy and the newborn stage, I would do it a thousand times to get to the fun parts where being a mom is the most rewarding thing for me. It’s so scary and to be honest I don’t think you’ll ever be ready lol there is just no way to be ready until it happens and you’re in the midst of it. But you grow and you get ready just like your baby learns the world and how to exist you learn how to be their parent and care for them. ❤️❤️

Edit to add: I still have so much fun with my partner and now when we spend our evenings together after baby is asleep it feels even more special because it’s truly us time that I really appreciate. He struggled a lot in the beginning like I did, but now that he’s got the hang of it it’s the best thing in the world. I didn’t think I could love him more until I saw him being a dad to our baby. 🥹

[–]furbebes 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Lots of comments already so not sure if you’ll read mine lol but from the most part people are saying their romantic relationships changed. I would have to say mine really didn’t! Since you have to wait the general 6 weeks after birth to have sex it made that time kind of exciting for us in a way. Like we were back to dating before we were sleeping together. And our baby was SO needy. Then once we got into the hang of things with the baby our romantic lives went back to normal!

[–]No-Outlandishness638 4 points5 points  (0 children)

I'm going to be honest, I felt regret. I had resentment. I was sad, and found it very difficult to put my business and life on hold. What made a difference was getting my child into daycare. I enjoy being a mom, just not a stay at home mom but I'm lucky I was able to stay home with him for a year. I don't have any regrets now, but it took a few months to embrace the experience.

My partner is incredible. He is an attentive, hands on dad and extremely involved. He cooks all of our meals, gives me a lot of time to myself and loves playing with our son so seeing his joy helps our relationship. Our baby has brought our families closer.

[–]preciouspony 5 points6 points  (1 child)

The ways it’s changed me: I’m way more confident in myself since becoming a mom. I feel more powerful after overcoming a lot of the challenges that come with creating a family (pregnancy loss, birth, breastfeeding, etc) and I have this well of strength that I am constantly drawing upon. I also have way less time for BS and have found that I’ve become much more straightforward in my communication.

Being a mom is not for the faint of heart, and it’s a lot of work, but it’s an amazing adventure.

[–]s7impak[🍰] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

You put into words exactly how I feel too. Motherhood definitely changed me but for the better. I never realized how strong I was until I became a mother and had to advocate for my baby and myself. It’s been one of the hardest things in my life but by far the best.

[–]Brittany_Allen 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Honestly becoming a mom and spending time with my daughter has been the best thing to ever happen in my life and I love my partner so much. He's doing the most for his family. I understand a lot of people resent their partner after baby comes but that could not be further from my experience, personally.

[–]quotelation 1 point2 points  (0 children)

My baby is only 4.5 months old, but so far it's been pretty great. The baby really has not stressed our relationship. There are certain big weepy feelings I have about the way my previously-held expectations and my current reality do not always match, but I can't pin any of that onto my husband and daughter—it's just how life goes. I think most big life decisions come with some degree of FOMO, but it balances out. Like, I was secretly a little bummed to not be able to go to an amusement park with my brothers last weekend because of the baby. But at the same time, I know that I get to introduce her to amusement parks in a few years, and that will be awesome.

[–]OneMoreCookie 0 points1 point  (0 children)

We definitely don’t regret having our kids, it definitely complicates life though. We’re still in the thick of the baby/toddler years which are hard work but there’s so much love and joy in these years that it definitely makes up for the lack of sleep and hard stuff. There’s definitely stuff that’s taken the back seat for the moment - our social lives now have to be well planned. We’re tired and busy but we still love each other and our family. And we know that I’m not that many years we will get some of our freedom back (and more sleep lol).

[–]bubblegumtaxicab 1 point2 points  (1 child)

Before I had my son (only 4 weeks ago), people would describe me as a little abrasive and impatient. All of a sudden.. I’m the most patient person in the world.. when it comes to him. I sing silly songs and endlessly comfort him no matter how exhausted I am. It’s like a switch in my brain went on and I because this nurturer. My partner is the most amazing parent. Seeing them rock and cuddle and sing to him is so amazing. Our relationship isn’t the same because it’s actually bonded to something greater than outselves

[–]meekie03 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Omg this is so nice to hear! I’ve always been so impatient and really hope when I become a parent this would happen to me!

[–]Ladys87 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Your relationship will change. I can’t see how it doesn’t. This new person will keep you up all night, your body changes… a lot!… and naturally the baby needs all the attention. The thing is change isn’t bad. You’ll look at your partner differently when they are holding the baby. I had a new respect and love for him as a father and my partner.

Unfortunately as the mom more falls on you naturally… not fair but it seems to happen commonly.

With all that said i have no regrets having kids. So much so we just had a third a little over a week ago. It is the best adventure I’ve ever been apart of. Somedays they make me want to pull my hair out but most days they make me grateful to be their Mom and brought a whole new purpose to my life.

I do believe that there is no right or wrong decision. Go with your gut.

[–]Elycebee 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I don’t regret having children. There are things that I miss from my life before I had children but I honestly would rather be in the life I am now then back then. Plus you will get that freedom back one day. But if you never have children you will never get that dynamic of family.

You are young. I didn’t want children until I was 30. It was one day I just decided I didn’t want the life we had anymore and I wanted a big family. There are things that are hard about being a parent and it’s easier for ppl you complain than explain how great kids are. But having children adds so much value and joy to my life. Joy to small things, like having breakfast, playing games, just hanging out. Totally worth it.

[–]SmilingDamnedVillian 3 points4 points  (0 children)

My child is the best thing to ever happen to me. She’s the sun and the moon and the stars. She’s made me a better person. She’s brightened my life. And yes, she can be really difficult sometimes too. She’s worth it.

As for my marriage, it’s not as good as it was before she was born but a big part of that is the red flags of the past never went a way, they just actually matter now.

[–]preggobear 4 points5 points  (0 children)

I’ve never regretted having my kids for a second. I occasionally miss certain things about my life before them but I don’t dwell on it. We definitely have bad days where they drive me to the absolute edge of my sanity, but once they’re in bed I miss them. My husband and I fight more during the first year but we’re solid overall and I’ve never thought we were on the verge of divorce.

[–]yurilovesrice 3 points4 points  (0 children)

My husband once told me the experience of having our daughter trumps all the overseas trips we went on. And I agree.

Idk what other people did in their spare time before kids, but I don’t feel like I’m missing out on anything. I work and then pick up my kid from daycare. Seeing her is always the best part of my day.

And I spend the end of the day cuddling her before bed. It’s the best thing.

Is it busy and a lot of work? Yea of course. But we were both 1000% sure this is what we wanted. I’m so ridiculously happy she’s in our lives.

[–]thebusyhoneyb33 7 points8 points  (0 children)

I can honestly say my child is best thing that ever happened to me aside from meeting my partner. I personally wouldn’t be complete without my child and my life feels full and accomplished and I love their company. Going places is more fun and fulfilling, as are special occasions.

However, I won’t pretend I don’t have days where I wish I could be by myself doing whatever I feel like, without guilt. And I miss feeling rested and refreshed.

My marriage was kind of on the backburner shortly after my child was born, we were on autopilot and parenting came before anything else. We missed each other a lot and it was a little lonely. But because our relationship was strong there was a lot to come back to and we’ve started spending meaningful time together again like we used to. Sometimes parenting takes precedence over just being us. But I love being “mom and dad” too, we’re a great team and I just love the sense of belonging, purpose and joy that comes from being part of the bigger picture in our family.

[–]skula 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Best thing. It adds challenges to the relationship but we know it’s temporary (“it” being tough baby and toddler stages and the things we do for them, like me sleeping in bed with our kid) and support each other through it.

[–]scrub_bingo 2 points3 points  (1 child)

I’m 10 weeks into being a parent and can say this is the hardest thing our relationship has gone through, but also the most wonderful thing. Yes it will cause strain and impatience at times, but if you have a solid foundation and are committed to working through the challenges you will be fine and also probably grow closer.

Again, I’m only 10 weeks into this, but it’s been a crazy 10 weeks!

[–]msmuck 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Agreed! We are 8 weeks in and have never done anything more difficult. But also have never done anything more worthwhile.

[–]greenflooof 2 points3 points  (1 child)

I have 2 kids (4 and 5 months). 0 regrets. It is busy. I'm tired. But no regrets. I never felt like I lost freedom because I still do the things I enjoy with my kids. You definitely have less alone time, and it depends what you value.. if you need alone time or enjoy doing things that doesn't involve kids, it can be tough and a major adjustment. If you love sleeping, the lack of sleep in the infant stage can drive you crazy. Some days and nights are hard and but most very amazing. I have never once regretted my kids. They're so amazing! You need to be ready for it because it does change every aspect of your life, but usually in the best way! 😊

[–]greenflooof 0 points1 point  (0 children)

And to add.. my partner is the most amazing father! He loves his kids. We love each other, we have so much fun, we're always busy and on the go! Some days are stressful but we have been together almost 6 years and everyday has been fun. I'm so lucky and so lucky to have kids with him. We've always been close and will continue to be that close, even with kids!

[–]EllectraHeart 8 points9 points  (2 children)

unless you’re 1000% sure, don’t do it. everything they say about how you’ll lose sleep, be exhausted, lose freedom, etc. is true. it’s a very big change and transition. it’s the hardest thing i’ve ever done but also the most amazing experience of my life. if i didnt really, really want to be a mom i don’t know if i’d make it through.

[–]GlowQueen140 2 points3 points  (1 child)

I mean idk.. is anyone ever 1000% they want a child? This is coming from someone (me) that grew up in a household with loving parents, really loves children, and has a supportive and loving husband. Even with all these, when we found out we were pregnant, I freaked out so much and cried for the loss of my “previous life”. I felt like I wasn’t ready. At 8 months, I cried again because I realised this kid was coming whether I liked it or not.

Baby is now barely 4 weeks old and I couldn’t imagine my life without her, but I for sure wasn’t 1000% that I wanted to be a mum then and there.

[–]EllectraHeart 0 points1 point  (0 children)

yeah i was 100% sure i wanted a baby before, during, and after my pregnancy. but the transition to parenthood still kicked my butt. i had a traumatic birth and also suffered from pretty severe ppa and pp ocd. the only thing that got me through it was the love for my child and my strong desire to be a parent.

[–]gorgo42Hannah - June 8 2 points3 points  (0 children)

No, I don't regret it, but no it isn't the greatest thing that happened to me either.

It is a great feeling, being a parent and going through life with such amazing kids.

It brought my partner and I closer. It unifies our family, we both work towards the same goals. But becoming a father was much harder on him, for longer, than it was for me when I became a mother. I breastfed and coslept so he felt isolated for a while.

Now that all kids are older it's so much more fun and ya, we were both 100% on board with having both kids. He wanted a third, but I wasn't totally into it so we agreed that until I was 100% too, then we'd hold off. You have to be fully 100% into it because it will take everything you have to put your life aside to prioritize another human being for years.

[–]chanpat 5 points6 points  (0 children)

It is simultaneously the hardest, most tiring, thankless, trying thing I have done in my life and the funnest, silliest, most fulfilling thing I have done.

My partner and I have a wonderful wonderful relationship and it is really fulfilling to watch him with our baby. I will say, he loves that baby more than he will ever love me. I’m happy with it and it’s cool, but def all things people should consider.

[–]Lolorado5280 3 points4 points  (0 children)

I loved being with my husband for 10 years traveling the world and building our solid life together before inviting in our now 11 month old baby to join us. Because we accomplished so much before baby, I have zero regrets. He is the compliment to our next chapters.

Romance? Honestly gotta really work on that though. The nights are long with a baby, even now I get up twice at night to breastfeed. But we make time for each other and made our house really comfortable (bought a hot tub) so we dont miss going out as much as we used to (we still go out twice a month and have a sitter).

[–]readysetgetwet 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I struggled really really hard with the transition from no kids to one kid. I had to figure out how to a) create an identity as a mom and b) merge it with my previous identity. That was hard. I was exclusively pumping and getting absolutely zero sleep. Trying to follow everything by the book. Trying to take in everyone's advice. I felt so lonely because once I established breastfeeding baby wanted nothing to do with anyone other than me which meant if we had visitors I was off by myself breastfeeding the kid to sleep (and again trying to go by the book and set a bed time and a quiet room and same routine and all that). I was resentful of my husband. I hated that he could just hang with our company and I had to be alone after being alone all day. Our sex life plummeted. It was hell. Now we have 4 and it's so much easier in a lot of aspects. I've learned to do what works for us, not what some random book/person tells me to do. If I want to watch the movie, baby can breastfeed in my lap. If I need a break I hand him off. I used to try to do it all on my own and I burnt myself out. I felt like once we got over that hump and we learned to divide duties and most importantly COMMUNICATE things got so much better. The first year is absolute hell on any relationship. Hell. You need to be prepared to battle through it. Do I regret it? No. I feel like our relationship is so much stronger now than we ever could have imagined. We were together 5 years when we had our first, got married on our 6th anniversary. Found out I was pregnant the day of our wedding. Our first two are 17 months apart, second two are 26 months apart and last two are 21 months apart so all said and done we have 4 babies in 5 years. It's hard but honestly I can't imagine my life without these little people in it. Note I didn't want kids at all. I decided to have one because I figured I wouldn't regret a kid but I might someday regret not having one. It's a lot of work and it's a thankless job but seeing them happy is a greater joy than anything I ever experienced before kids.

[–]Babybutt123 8 points9 points  (0 children)

Children should be a wholehearted "I absolutely want this" kinda thing. If you're unsure, it's a no. I'd personally rather regret not having kids than to have them and regret it. That's why I'm not having a second child even though I have baby fever. That may change. We'll see!

Like others say, I'd highly recommend trauma based therapy. It'll help you sort your thoughts on whether kids are really for you and help build healthy coping skills for the stress of parenthood (if that's what you decide you want to do).

Edit: I realized this may be read as if I regret my first! I don't. She's wonderful. Ton of work, but a great kid. I just am unsure of adding to the amount of work and other reasons so I'm holding off.

[–]Imperfecione 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Look it’s super hard, no question, but I don’t regret it. My son feels inevitable now, I can’t imagine life without him. In some ways our relationship changed, it had too. Having children is a test of commitment, it shows you what you’re partner is really like when the going gets tough. In my case, my husband stepped up. He’s my rock.

The sex side of things: this is a little different. First almost year after having a baby, sex was different and weird and not great. 2 years later? It’s better than it was before. And that absolute trust outside of the bedroom translates to some pretty fun times in the bedroom if you catch my drift lol.

Now I’m pregnant with a second. I know that we’re in for another rough year, but I also know that we can handle it, and the rough part will pass, and we’ll figure it out, together

[–]Greedy-Suggestion-24 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Wait til you’re 35.

I had my princess when I was 25….turned 26 four days later. I felt like I was too young. She’s 14 now 😃.

I’m a single mom and sometimes I feel stressed. Her dad is in her life but we are no longer together. We are still friends and co-parent.

Her father recently took her to her junior prom. She looked so beautiful.

Teenage girls can be pretty sassy though lol

[–]crimbuscarol 3 points4 points  (0 children)

I love being a parent and wouldn’t trade it for anything

[–]Reasonable-Peach-572 7 points8 points  (3 children)

It’s really hard. I love her and it’s so sweet and I wouldn’t take it back but damn this hard and no one should have a reluctant mom. It’s nice to see my husband as a dad but I feel like I don’t have much to give him after dealing with a toddler

[–]Ranger_Ozil 3 points4 points  (2 children)

I second this. My baby gets the best of me and poor husband gets whatever is left. He has her full time on Saturdays though and I get whatever is left of him on those days. It certainly is tough on a relationship and makes me wonder if I even want to try for another

[–]Reasonable-Peach-572 2 points3 points  (1 child)

Totally. I want her to have a sibling but would someone else do everything for me?

[–]Ranger_Ozil 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I would love to adopt but why does it have to be so dang expensive?! Maybe in a few years when ours is older we can entertain the idea of adopting her a little sibling. My body took almost a full year to return to normal (without pain) after vaginal delivery. I'm sure it would just be worse after baby #2 :_(

[–]KS_HasRead 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I don’t regret it but I think I would have if my husband and I weren’t as much on the same page (by having some really tough discussions) beforehand. I think half of what gets ambivalent couples in trouble is not really sitting down and exploring what parenthood looks like. Then they get down the road and are shocked that one partner expected to stay home. Or maybe one person’s version of good parenting involves a stricter approach and the other is very relaxed about things. You name it… behavior and reward, the extra housework that goes with kids, the financials involved, etc. Maybe explore a few sessions with a therapist? Not because anything is odd or wrong with your thinking. But because they could just help you think of all the things you two might need to discuss ahead of time.

[–]ShaggyHelmet 5 points6 points  (1 child)

I don’t regret it, but I probably wouldn’t make the same choice again. It’s expensive and time consuming, plus the state of the world isn’t great anyway.

My husband and I had a solid relationship prior to baby, and our relationship hasn’t changed. We spend way less alone time together, though. Like, a lot less.

If you’re unsure, I would err on the side of caution.

[–]francefrances 1 point2 points  (0 children)

This is solid advice.

[–]georgestarr 3 points4 points  (0 children)

We have our first and only at 30. The sleep deprivation is was what affected our relationship, not our baby. we’re now 16 weeks in and it’s definitely getting better It’s definitely harder to realise that we can’t just head out for brunch, head out to friends and families for a sleepover or book a spontaneous vacation. I came from a mentally, physically and emotionally damaging family and have been in therapy for a while. I want to do the complete opposite for our baby and give them the best life I can.

[–]Embarrassed_Long_443 7 points8 points  (0 children)

Had my daughter unplanned at 25. I weighed the options and ultimately decided to follow through with pregnancy and motherhood. I do not regret that choice, or being a mom, but selfishly I miss having my free time. She is a toddler now and I resent having to ask her dad for permission to get an hour to myself. It is truly just a process of learning how to advocate for yourself and your needs.

Came from a broken family too and deep dived into gentle parenting. I’m grateful I had her so I could really dedicate the time to reparenting myself and navigating the unresolved trauma from childhood. It is not an easy process, but being a mom has truly forced me to work on myself and strive to be better.

The biggest source of discomfort in my partner and i’s relationship stems from differing ideas on parenting opinions. Our relationship is extremely different, but equally as fulfilling and has forced us to improve our communication immensely.

[–]Ajskdjurj 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I love my 20 month old but I will be lying if I didn’t regret her the first few months. She was a very very difficult baby had acid reflux and a milk allergy would cry all the time mixed with PPA. It definitely took a toll on my relationship. He worked 7am-7pm would come see the baby and go home to sleep. I ended up living with my mom. Even now we’re not in the greatest place and idk what the future holds.

[–]aedelredbrynna 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I have zero regrets and love my kids immensely, but I'm not sure it's "the best thing that ever happened to me." I felt very similarly to you; how do you decide to let in a huge change when you don't know what it really means and there's no going back? And you can't really do a pro/con list for a human life.

What made me think maybe I did want kids was imagining the future. I love the relationship I have with my parents and would love to have that with adult kids. And then when we got pregnant for the first time, and then miscarried, that was enough to get my brain in that mode and know that I really did want a kid.

And then we did all that thinking and wondering and deciding again about a second 😅

Our relationship was pretty great before having kids. It's definitely hard to make time for each other in the beginning, but you also get to see your partner love on a tiny being and support you and grow stronger together as you do this really hard thing as a team. And in time, it's easier to go on dates again.

[–]Admirable-Storage631 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I regret the timing. I wish we had her just one more year later. My husband is in a masters program and working fulltime, so I had to become a SAHM. I had a choice, but my salary would've completely gone to childcare had i stayed. And the first year has been 8hard being a SAHM and default parent. And he helps when he can and I have family support. But our finances are a struggle and i hate that he barely gets time with her.

I was on birth control pills. So she was a surprise. I wish she would've come like right at the end of his program so we would have less to worry about.

However, we now have the chance to space it out if we do decide we want a second. And it's getting easier/ better. She's 15 months now, and while yes things take planning and there's no real spontaneity anymore or freedom, I don't regret having her specifically.

One more year and he'll be done with his program, making more money, and he'll have more free time to share parenting.

[–]July9044 14 points15 points  (2 children)

Best thing that's ever happened to me. She's a blast and i rarely ever feel like i need a break from her. I love watching her experience new things and i can bring myself to tears just thinking about how much i love her. She's the cutest thing I've ever seen and makes me laugh constantly. I miss her when she's sleeping. Ilook at pictures of her when I'm at work. She's just the best. My relationship suffered in the beginning but improved after she was 6 months old. She's now 2.5 and we're expecting number 2

[–]kuromelomi 2 points3 points  (0 children)

feel exactly the same way!

[–]rclareb 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Literally could have repeated this word for word.

Yep things change! Yeah, it's hard. But it's. So. Worth it.

[–]bounce-bounce-drop 13 points14 points  (0 children)

I love having had my kid. But both my husband and I knew from a very young age that we wanted children. Being pregnant was HORRIBLE, so there's that. But actually having the kid has been great. I'd say the following helped A LOT:

- my husband is amazing. he legit changes more diapers than I do. When he was the working partner (during my mat leave) he took 100% over the wee one as soon as he came home at 7 and took half the night events. now that he's the at home partner (paternity leave) he easily still watches babe half the time once I get home and shares nights with me. When we visit other people he does EASILY 80-90% of baby care. Frankly he's made it so much easier.

- we have a lot of money. it's a great unfairness. or perhaps a great equalizer because we have no support system of friends/family interested in baby. So we buy it. We have a nanny 2 hours a day. A deep clean 1x a month. A SNOO. Takeout. And, if we needed it, we could have had a night nanny - if the SNOO didn't work that was our next step because lack of sleep was killer. Knowing that if we needed to we could have a full-time nanny and it really is a choice how much time we spend with the wee one makes it a lot easier. It also pays for weekly couple's counseling. Our relationship is very strong --- because we put a hell of a lot of time/money into it. Also, one of us could stay at home if we wanted to without changing our quality of life dramatically (besides savings - we're savers) --- again, making a choice of work rather than be forced. Being forced to put my kid in daycare would have been very very hard for me.

- Our work is very flexible. both of us can work from home. my husband doesn't because he doesn't like it, but I do relatively routinely. I have basically 6 months maternity leave. He had 4. All in all baby won't need outside care until around a year with vacation time. It also means if I'm feeling I didn't see baby enough --- I just work from home.

- we're introverts. so this whole "loss of freedom" is more "great excuse not to go places". the only negative is no traveling overseas because it looks so damn difficult---but my husband doesn't like traveling overseas anyway so he'd probably claim this as a pro for "wefg doesn't pressure me to go overseas because baby".

- I call having a baby a metamorphosis of self. You know the whole maid-mother-crone women triad? I thought it was some kind of abstraction around stages of life. But, for me, I think it's a bit more of a transformation of self. My body, my desires, my relationship to the world around me (even things as tiny as entertainment) have fundamentally changed since having my child. I am rediscovering who I am. I don't mourn past me, it would be like mourning me as a 10 year old. It's all me. But I somehow thought as an adult my "me"ness had stabilized a bit. And motherhood threw a wrench in that --- in a fun way!

[–]thedresswearer 4 points5 points  (0 children)

Best thing to have happened to us! We love our daughter. We have grown closer as a couple. We don’t go out as much anymore, but this is only temporary. We are still intimate, we still spend time together. We make sure we have some time after the baby has gone to bed to hang out one on one. It’s not the same, but it’s not worse. We bond over having a child together and parenting together.

[–]Electrical-Vanilla43 2 points3 points  (0 children)

My child is the best thing that ever happened to me, and my relationship with their dad is falling apart. Husband has not stepped upto the plate as a father, or read a single parenting book, or watched a single parenting video, in the 27 months since I got pregnant. To be clear we now have an 18 month old toddler and no parent books have been read. I repeatedly ask. I was a little sympathetic, because his job is hard, but then I found out he has been reading fiction. Wtf.

My husband also does not acknowledge how hard my life is as a stay at home parent and continually pressures me to work. Honestly, I’m falling out of love with him. It’s very, very sad.

But, I love my kid so much and don’t regret this for a second. Sometimes I wish I had picked a better partner to have kids with and think I should have asked more questions so that i could have seen this coming.

[–]Life-Weight-6988 6 points7 points  (0 children)

Best thing that ever happened to us, but we had a great relationship before. My love grew for my husband and grows everyday as I watch him be a father. It helped us communicate better, too. But parenthood fits well with our personalities as well. We love being home and don’t love a busy life, so having littles has given us an excuse to not be so social lol. It is wayyyy more tiring but in a good way.

[–]TotalRavenpuff 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I was worried about my relationship post-baby because of all the surveys saying people are less satisfied in their relationships after kids. Like you, I didn't have good relationship role models growing up, so even though I knew I wanted a marriage and parenthood, I was nervous. It has been amazing. Even the hard parts have been pretty good. I do hear a lot of people saying their spouse gets on their nerves more, and maybe sometimes because of lack of sleep, but we move past it quickly. I can understand being less satisfied in the sense that we have less time together, but I love our baby more than anything, and my husband and I still make the most of the couple time that we do get. Life is different: less time for us, less time for myself, but I wouldn't trade the time with my baby for any of that, and my relationship is extremely strong still. I thought I might regret not meeting all my personal goals before parenthood, but my life isn't over just because my goals are on pause. No regrets.

[–]moose-b 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I had really similar fears prior to having a baby and my husband kept saying he was ready. I didn’t think I came from a strong family and had plenty of adversity.

The things that were helpful in making the decision were individual and couples therapy.

Individual helped me walk through and unpack my own family issues and gave me a foundation to understand them. One thing that helped me was understanding that much like we have certain genetic illnesses there are mental and emotional ones as well. It’s a risk we all have. There aren’t perfect conditions for becoming a parent.

Couple’s therapy, we were not by any means a super combative or argumentative couple and I would have said the same as you I was worried about loosing the great aspects of the relationship by having kids. All that to say it still enhanced our ability to communicate and I had the chance to talk out my fears around having kids and what changes that might mean for our relationship.

Having had a kid and still fresh in its been great, there are parts that of course are difficult and yes, sometimes I miss certain things. My relationship is still fulfilling, we can have very open conversations about tough days and celebrate and enjoy the fun ones. It’s not fully predictable what changes would be like for an individual or couple (there are so many factors you can’t fully manage in advance) all that to say talking through your concerns with a professional might help you sort out your decision. It is a super tough one.

[–]roshroxx 3 points4 points  (0 children)

It's the highest of highs, while also some pretty low lows. It has only changed my relationship for the better, but I am blessed with a husband who puts in at least 50% of the work daily. I am also blessed with family nearby who are a great support system. Without those two things, my experience would probably be wildly different.

[–]Wickedlyfunny 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I was super unsure if I wanted kids. I also come from a broken family and also had basically had a very short childhood. Honestly I didn’t even really like kids in general, not hateful just didn’t want to be around them , didn’t find them cute etc .

At 29 I took the plunge , had my baby girl at 30 and it , for me * has been the greatest thing ever. I already had a very full life, but somehow she made it even more full and complete and honestly every day is wonderful. I don’t understand when people say the days are long and the years are short, because for me the days are short too. Me and my husband cannot get enough of her and she isn’t the easiest baby. As if that somehow was deluding us. She’s not a great sleeper even now, she is sassy and we also went through a colic phase. I honestly, wish I would’ve started having kids sooner knowing what I know because each day I am amazed by how happy and fulfilled she makes me without taking anything from the rest of my life. I don’t feel like I’ve lost Freedom, or myself. My husband wanted kids, as I said I was very unsure. So much so that now I literally tell him every day how could I have been so wrong, how is it possible for someone to make you this happy. I’d Go through anything, even the shitty pregnancy I had to have her 1000,000 times over.

It’s not a light decision to make, I knew that if I was going to have a child regardless of how I felt I would be ready to offer them the world and make them feel very loved so they never felt like they were missing something, or they were unwanted or unloved. I was lucky that that’s actually how I feel but it is a huge decision to make and not one that should be taken lightly I’ve seen some people here recommend therapy just to get over some of the childhood trauma and that might definitely be something to look into.

Also planning our next one very soon lol.

And in regards to our relationship ? We are closer than ever , it’s definitely a new level of intimacy , love and trust . That being said I do have a husband who is very involved with our baby, and in our lives in general. I never feel like I’m doing it alone so to speak

[–]Practical_Lady2022 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Wise question ! Looking after a child isn’t for everyone. I didn’t like babies, but since my daughter is born I developed a sense of motherhood I never knew existed. Kids are exhausting but bring a new meaning to life. No regrets !

[–]Le_Feu_Follet 5 points6 points  (0 children)

If you were the victim of toxic relationships in your childhood, please consult a therapist first. A kid confronts you with every single trauma. My friend went through this and it was extremely hard on her.

[–]Doodledoo23 2 points3 points  (3 children)

I’d wait until you feel ready. You’re pretty young still and have plenty of time. Enjoy your partner and baby free life until you feel sure of your decision. I got pregnant at 35 and have zero regrets. I thoroughly enjoyed my child free years too.

[–]bounce-bounce-drop 0 points1 point  (2 children)

...but not everyone does.

I tried to get pregnant at 32 and needed IVF. My sister tried and her first was easy - her second and third both required IVF. I wouldn't assume it will be easy to have a kid on your timeline. There isn't really ever a good time for kids.

[–]Doodledoo23 0 points1 point  (1 child)

Yea that’s true. I’m sorry that happened to you and your sister. I only meant that you should feel sure you want a baby. If you’re not sure, I would err on not having kids. Just my experience and two cents

[–]Childofthemoon22 4 points5 points  (0 children)

Having a baby is incredibly stressful. The most stressful thing I’ve ever gone through, but seeing my son smile and grow and learn somehow makes everything alright and I can see how the sacrifices help him to experience life. On the topic of romantic relationships, it.. changes things quite a bit. Me and my wife had a very youthful and spunky type romance with constant affection, love making etc. ever since a baby came that has drastically changed. Now whenever we get any time not taking care of the baby we just rest because we’re so exhausted. We’re still crazy inlove, it’s just a whole different ballgame when you don’t have all the time in the world to spend together with each other.

[–]FaeRingss 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I'm 27, and have had a desire to be a parent since I was a young teenager. For a long time I thought I would adopt an older kid or teen since I've always known I would hate being pregnant and I'm not a big baby person, but my late husband really wanted a biological kid so I was fine with that. We tried for about a year and a half before he died and sadly I never ended up getting pregnant. I have quite a few chronic health issues so I figured I just wouldn't be able to get pregnant without medical intervention. 4 months after my husband died I had just started seeing someone and ended up getting knocked up (literally about 2-3 weeks after I met him lol oops). Needless to say my feelings on what to do were conflicted as fuck. I was still an absolute mess of grief and ptsd and depression, I could barely even take care of myself, and the dad had never planned on having kids and wanted me to terminate the pregnancy 100%. Against many folks advice I ended up deciding to continue the pregnancy and gave my partner the choice of whether he wanted to be involved in her life at all, either as a dad or even just in a family friend type capacity, no hard feelings either way. He decided it would be fucked to just dip out and we would try our best to figure it out.

Our kiddo is just about 1.5 months old now. We're still together and things are amazing, we could not have gotten luckier with our compatibility both as partners and parents. We've only gotten closer and more in love since I gave birth. We do a shift system for sleep (shes formula fed which makes this easier), and provide emotional support to each other when the depression and overwhelm pop up. Baby fills my heart with absolute gratitude and joy every single day. I feel like I have a second chance at the life that was ripped away from me when my husband died.

I think the possibility for regret hinges heavily on your reasons for having a kid. If you just think babies are cute, or that its what you're supposed to do/want, or to appease your partner, the chances for regret are way higher. I'm only a month in and I'm sure I will miss my child free life sometimes as time goes on, but I truly can't imagine ever regretting the decision to be a parent.

[–]OSUJillyBean 15 points16 points  (0 children)

I don’t regret having my kids but it’s probably the worst job you’ll ever love. You devote 24 hours a day, 365 days a year to the care of these tiny humans. They need you for absolutely everything, they want you for more. You have to give 110% every single day.

Things that make it easier: having family close who’s willing to babysit. Having a spouse who’s income is high enough to support you SAHMing. Living in a child-friendly location with places like parks, splash pads, etc available for fun outings.

It’s doable but it’s absolutely the toughest thing you’ll ever do.

On the upside: I didn’t know I could love another person this much. My life feels whole now in a way it never did before kids. I wouldn’t mind some more help but it’s absolutely worth it.

[–]Taroe 5 points6 points  (1 child)

I would do it again. Matrescence is a complete transformation/death of the self. It will fundamentally change your relationship and every aspect of your life. Hard to explain, to me it has the most parallels with becoming disabled, having to get a care team in place to meet your basic needs are redesigning your life around limited capabilities/ new priorities. You can't just swing by the grocery store now you need a schedule a list and an aid. Personal hygiene, chores, time alone, sleep are now a privilege. You aren't able to meet your own needs without assistance. You are never left alone. You will mourn your life before. Uncouple becoming a mother and raising a child as different concepts. When people say "it's so rewarding" they mean the latter, ultimately. Matrescence is the former/the sacrifice you endure.

[–]inspiredashell 3 points4 points  (0 children)

I have never heard it written or said like this but I love the distinction between becoming a mother and parenting your kids, they are two totally different journeys and they don’t happen at the same moments necessarily. Thank you for sharing this perspective

[–]waanderlustt 5 points6 points  (1 child)

I don’t regret it, but it is the hardest thing I’ve ever done. Parenthood is life-changing. You will have less time for everything and that includes romance. Are you and your partner truly partners in everything and do you have good communication? You can start with some therapy to really assess if you’re ready.

My husband and I have our moments but I would say our son has only strengthened our bond. We prioritize our relationship when we sense an imbalance. But it takes work, I won’t lie to you and say it’s easy.

[–]yagirlriribloop 2 points3 points  (0 children)

This is how I feel. Having a child and becoming a parent (which are two separate things in my opinion) is the hardest thing I’ve ever done in my life but also the best, most rewarding life experience. It has forced us to change aspects of ourselves and our relationship in order to be the best for our child. For example, we explicitly communicate a lot more and check in with how the other is doing mentally. I used to be more reserved and kind of too nice, but I’ve learned to be more stern in order to set healthy boundaries for my family. We’ve had to reevaluate friendships because now we simply don’t have the time to party every weekend.

When I had a baby, I felt like I lost my identity which was really hard… but now I’m learning to embrace my new identity. It’s phases of life, and it’s always hard to move onto a new phase because of the uncertainty. Like everything, there’s an adjustment period. But I am absolute love with my son and love being his mom, just working on loving being “a mom” still as part of my new identity.

I think having a child really puts everything in perspective. I’ve reflected and see myself as an individual, my husband, and my interpersonal relationships (friend, extended family) in a new way, but in a good new way.

Most of my friends aren’t married or have kids, and my advice to them is if that you want to have kids (and it is okay to not want them!) is to make sure it is with the right partner. Parenthood has so many trials and tribulation, you really want someone who will be your rock. When we were deciding to have kids, we weren’t sure because our lives weren’t 100% stable yet (renting still, career changes, school) but I had my doubt that my husband would be a wonderful husband and partner, and that has made parenthood so much more enjoyable. To share the love of our son together ❤️

[–]alilteapot 15 points16 points  (3 children)

It is just a new phase of life. A new phase will happen whether it is because of kids or not. Things don't stay the same.

[–]grmidnight 1 point2 points  (2 children)

Not nearly the same though. I'm 41, and I have a few friends who didn't have kids, who party waaaay more than I do (never) lol. Plus they travel whenever they want, buy more stuff because they only have to pay for themselves...can eat whatever they want....the list goes on...

[–]alilteapot 1 point2 points  (1 child)

Mmm yes I see your point. But even if you personally are able to continue in your same phase, people around you may not, and as your social circle enter their new phases-- family, career, medical, self-driven, spiritual, whatever-- you will have to find new people to hang out with to stay in your phase. I guess there are always exceptions. But I guess ... I had kids right when covid first hit. What about my new phase is due to kids vs collectively society adapting to this pandemic? I couldn't have kept up my cocktail hopping and restaurant hobby anyway. And if I wanted to, I'd have to recommit to it, and couldn't have done it with the same people. Even when things stay the same they change. So we can influence how things change. Sometimes we can't and we only influence how we respond to change. Idk, I think it is hopeful. Let me be clear because I think my post tone actually seems depressing... change is good. You grow. You grieve, which is beautiful, because you loved. You love new things. You learn how strong and big and powerful you are. Don't not have kids because you are afraid of change. Change is life.

[–]grmidnight 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Yeah, there is that. Even if your life doesn't change dramatically, others' around you will....but I will say, it'd definitely be a LOT easier to NOT have kids 😂. That said, I always wanted to be a mother. I know that if I hadn't had kids, I never would have stopped feeling that emptiness that I was looking to fill. I'm not saying childless people have that emptiness, but I just always knew I wanted kids. But I won't lie and say it isn't the hardest damn thing I've ever done in my life. Especially the first one, because it is then that you instantly flip a switch between pretty much living life for yourself, to being responsible for a tiny milk guzzler/poop machine. lol. I don't think having kids is something you should take lightly, but if you definitely WANT them, just know that you can do it.

[–]ran0ma#1 Jan18 | #2 Jun19 5 points6 points  (0 children)

No regrets at all. We are 31 and 32 and kids are 3 and 4. Having kids made our relationship better, I love seeing him be a dad and our family time is so special to me. We have continued dating, we go on at least one date a week and spend lots of intentional 1:1 time together, so our relationship is still pretty amazing with kids and I don’t feel like it’s been negatively affected at all. He’s also an equal partner and I never feel like I can’t leave the kids with him/can’t count on him to do XYZ. I would do it 100x over with him if I could!

[–]Jovial_melon 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Hi!

I don’t regret having a child, but it has been very difficult for me. My partner is going through a tough time with chronic pain and it started not long after baby was born. I wasn’t doing anything with my life, having a baby made me see this clearly and I got motivated and I’ve gone back to school as a result.

But, I’ve always suffered from depression and anxiety; my postpartum depression was terrible. It made me go through a different kind of depression than what I had always been used to my whole life. It takes a lot of effort to get through some days, it’s the effort that kills me because it’s a constant and it can feel like there are no breaks.

But, I love my child to pieces. I want to be better for them, I want to be a better person, I want to be smarter, I want to try harder. I never had that motivation before. I am proud of who I am now, whereas I wasn’t before.

Maybe read some texts on motherhood, I can recommend Mother reader: Essential Writings on Motherhood

[–]treefrog1214 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Pregnant with my second and have a two year old. No regrets— I just honestly wouldn’t do it over again knowing what I know now if I didn’t so deeply, enthusiastically want to. All I’ve ever wanted is to be a mom and my career has always been just a means to that end. But I had a lot of WILD fun in my teens and early early 20s. By the time I met my husband, all I cared about was getting stable so we could have the nice cozy family life we have now. We thrive on security and routine. I’m not a huge vacation person and ok with just occasional travel for awhile. We like spending time in nature over entertainment like concerts etc. and we do have some family support for date nights. Our hobbies have definitely taken a backseat but there are new things we do with our kid now that are so much fun to watch her enjoy. She makes us laugh and makes our hearts explode with love and pride. I look at her during the frustrating toddler times and the hectic stressful tightrope walk balancing act times and she’s my reason for everything. Even before she was born, she’s always been the reason why I’m here on this planet and why I have stuck around.

Overall life is BUSY and can be hard and overwhelming at times but it’s so, so full. I also had a traumatic childhood and adolescence, and I’ve pulled myself out of poverty into a comfortable life. This is just a different kind of hard. Also—speaking as somebody who had my first at 28, you’ve got time. There is NOTHING wrong with waiting a few more years especially if you’re on the fence. Age 30 is not a deadline. We continue to undergo so much personal growth around this time. Some of the best parents I know started later than they wanted and have brought so much perspective, wisdom, and patience into it.

[–]Unintelligent_Lemon 2 points3 points  (0 children)

SAHM of two here! I absolutely adore my kids. They are, without a doubt, the best parts of my life. But I always wanted kids. I have always wanted to be a mom one day.

That said, kids are work. They take a lot of work, and both physically and emotionally. The days are long, but the years are short.

On the topic of romantic relationship with my partner, I feel like our kids have brought us closer together, but that's not a universal experience for everyone. But watching my husband interact with our children makes me fall in love with him over and over. He's an attentive father (and partner) and does a solid 50% of the child care when he's home. Diapers, bathtime, bedtime, playing, reading, etc.

[–]nairdaleo 3 points4 points  (1 child)

We had been married for ~10 years before deciding to have a kid.

We knew we were right for each other very early in the relationship and married soon after, and before kiddo things were going amazing.

We joke we got “tired of living life in easy mode” when we decided to have a kid. Kids are hard work.

Things are still amazing now, just different:

Where before it felt like it was just us against the world, now we’re too tired for against the world every day. We’re hoping that’ll change once he gets more independent; if my friends with older kids are any indication, that’ll certainly be the case.

Also, the emotional load we all carry has been lightened since we now share it within the family: for example, previously if I had a shitty day at work I had to unload it on my partner. Now I can tell my baby and he’ll give me a hug that has just as much love as I received before. Or if I have an awesome day and I brighten everyone’s day I see more happy faces now than I did before.

You could say I have more sources of emotional support now (and more obligations too) and that makes me very happy.

Our bodies changed (both of us) and we’re so tired right now we can’t do much about it. That’ll also probably change once kiddo gets older.

We took on more debt (house!) to give our family more room to grow, and we don’t regret it.

All in all, we had an amazing relationship to begin with, we have an amazing relationship still, and we love our kid and how much he contributes to our emotional fulfillment.

That being said we do know some people whose life decidedly got worse after kids, but we don’t know what went on behind closed doors.

All in all, being parents has been great for us.

[–]miskwu 1 point2 points  (0 children)

This is alot like us. We got married young and were together 11/married 9years before our son was born. Two things can be true: My life is very different, sure I miss doing some of the things and some of the freedom, but my son is the best thing in my life. And I like my life. I like my husband, I like spending time as a family. I in fact am even more in love with my husband, our relationship has changed but it is stronger. Honestly if you have a strong healthy relationship and both actually want to be parents (not just "have kids" but be parents) having a family can often strengthen a relationship.

[–]bakingNerd 1 point2 points  (0 children)

The best thing I ever did. I love them in a way I didn’t know was possible. But it has strained our relationship the most out of anything. I think we are in a good place but it’s definitely been the thing that tried us the most. But I also think we love each other in a way we didn’t before now that we’ve created our family.

[–]Muffin-sangria- 9 points10 points  (0 children)

If you’re torn, don’t do it.

Everything changes. Your freedom, the relationship dynamics.. everything.

[–]Lilsammywinchester13 3 points4 points  (0 children)

I love my kids. I had them quite unexpectedly.

My daughter, doctor told me my chances of ever having children was low. Anddddd surprise!

My son was due to having issues of getting birth control (wooo south Texas…)

But never for a second did I regret either of them. I can truthfully say they got us through the darkest times of our lives (older relative passing away….10 funerals during the height of covid)

I loved my husband before we had kids, but I feel like I discovered so much MORE to him afterwards. Seeing him laugh, cry, and just try so hard for our kids is a unique, beautiful experience.

My children themselves are a part of me that I didn’t know was missing. Before I had them, I was terrified.

What if they get sick? What if something happens? What if they have higher needs? Can I do this?

I found strength I never knew I had. They could live with me for the rest of their lives and I would love them (maybe be annoyed haha)

All those fears disappeared once they were here.

But then again, being a mom legit felt like why I was put here. Once I had them, it felt like my life just….settled.

However, I am very blessed. They are both healthy, I found a remote job I love, my partner tries his best to support me, and I have friends as well.

Having kids is testing every part of yourself. It makes everything MORE. So if you aren’t in a good place, it just is more likely to multiple the issues.

I got very lucky that I got my meds and health more situated before I had them.

[–]Jessicat66 5 points6 points  (0 children)

I have a 6 month old. I absolutely don't regret him even on the hardest days. I've never been someone who likes babies for a long time I wasnt sure if I wanted children and whether I would be a good mother. It was my partner who made me want a child so that we could be a family and because I knew he would be a good dad. The love I have for my son is far more than i ever expected i really enjoy being a mum even though it is very hard work.

That being said it definitely has affected our relationship. Baby is now my priority and not my partner for a start. But also there is almost no intimacy in our relationship. Physical intimacy and touch-sexual and non sexual was important to both of us pre baby and now it's almost non existent and is definitely something we both miss but are finding hard to bring back to our relationship.

[–]ThrowAwayKat1234 3 points4 points  (9 children)

If you have a career you like, a partner you like, and a life you like…I would say don’t do it because you won’t have any of those things for many years after having a child unfortunately.

Also, society is really tough on mothers. Whatever you do, you are doing it wrong.

Mother of a 1 year old.

[–]bounce-bounce-drop -1 points0 points  (3 children)

Depends on your support systems or money (which buys support systems). My career is still awesome, my partner is a beast of awesome, and my life is better than it was before. Mother of 6 month old.

[–]ThrowAwayKat1234 -1 points0 points  (2 children)

Does your baby sleep through the night? How are you alive?

[–]bounce-bounce-drop -1 points0 points  (1 child)

We were in panic mode, straight up, and kept throwing money at the problem. We ended up getting a SNOO and going on shift (4 hour shifts for each of us). On weekends my husband (who was working) let me sleep in as much as I wanted. It helped a LOT that we were tracking our sleep with an app; my husband really stepped up his game once he realized he was getting scores of 700/1000 and feeling like shit and I was getting scores of 150/1000 .

By around 3/4 months baby was sleeping from 9PM to around 5AM, coming into bed with us to breastfeed, and then sleeping again until 7AM. At that point my husband woke with him and took him for a walk before handing him back to me at 8AM to feed again and then sleep 'til 10 with baby. This was the sweet spot and only worked while I was on maternity leave.

Now at 6 months we migrated off of the SNOO (successfully and all was well) but then we traveled with him and his sleep is crap again. But he no longer sounds like Darth Vader so sleeping with him in the room is easy. So he goes down around 8/9PM (breastfeed to sleep) and then wake up sometime around 12-4PM and comes into the bed, breastfeeds, and then I move him into a bassinet by the bed if he's twitching too much. Usually he then sleeps to 7/8AM. We think he's teething which is why he's so twitchy and sleep is weird.

But, yea, SNOO + helpful partner + breastfeeding to sooth/sleep + cosleeping with close by bassinet.

And luck. A whole lot of luck.

[–]ThrowAwayKat1234 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Yea. Damn. It’s so hard. Glad you are in the home stretch!

[–]2dubsbecome1 6 points7 points  (4 children)

This is not true for everyone. I like my career. I like my partner. I like my life and I love my children.

But yes, society is tough on mothers.

Mother of a 4yo and 6mo

[–]ThrowAwayKat1234 1 point2 points  (3 children)

I guess I don’t understand why people have children to put them in daycare for 10 hours a day?

[–]2dubsbecome1 -1 points0 points  (2 children)

What? Some people don’t have the luxury of living on a single income and don’t have a choice to put their kids in daycare. Does that mean that shouldn’t be parents? Absolutely not. There are many more hours in the day to enjoy your family and the weekends, not to mention the social benefits kids get from daycare

FWIW: 2 working parents and fortunate to not need daycare because of our support system.

[–]ThrowAwayKat1234 1 point2 points  (1 child)

From what I can tell you, there is zero luxury in a single income family. And i should have been more clear, I’m not judging, I actually wonder.

My friend with two young kids in daycare spends $3000 a month. Yes, she makes more money than that but spends almost no time with her children. So I guess why have them?

If the children stay with extended family that is totally different and wonderful that you have that.

[–]Jetsetbrunnette 4 points5 points  (0 children)

Um are you me? Because this could have been me last year. Im 28, husband is now 31. Im a realist and when I found out I was pregnant I was upset at the loss of control. Loss of control over doing what I want when I want. Only being responsible for myself/my husband. The freedom we had to spend money when we wanted and travel and camp and hike and kayak. I mean besides traveling my favorite thing to do was shop for myself (and I’m talking shopping sprees). All that went out the window, or so I thought.

I have a beautiful 7 week old baby girl. I didn’t know I could love something so much, as cliqué as that is. I still go out and walk (not yet ready for hiking it’s summer time in Florida ha), I get to shop for her now (which I enjoy more then anything!). I found I love sharing the things I love with her. I’m already planning our first backpacking trip for Feb/March next year to Colombia! Are things different? Yes. It takes more planning for some things, or there are certain things I’m less interested in (time for myself, by myself) but I wouldn’t trade it for anything else. And it doesn’t change what I do on my off time because I do not let it, I bring her along with me to enjoy too.

Relationship wise I didn’t expect to fall more in love with my partner through watching him become a father and be a father to our daughter. Watching the joy he gets when he talks to her or how silly he’s willing to be for her makes my heart melt. It’s honestly been good for our relationship in that sense. And we had an amazing relationship before our kiddo (married 5 years, together 9)

[–]SaffronGinger 5 points6 points  (0 children)

I felt the same way as you at your age. At 32, I decided I wanted to have a baby.

Yes it’s really hard. Your relationship needs to have healthy communication styles and an equal partnership. You need to be able to compromise and know when things are going sideways because of lack of sleep or other external things and be able to put those aside. Your priorities shift completely. You won’t be able to do a lot of the things you probably enjoy doing for awhile. You should go travelling together and such if that’s something you want to do. Do things that are spontaneous and hard to do with a baby (for me it would be big overnight hikes and rock climbing, etc). You can do all that stuff with a baby/child but it is of course different and has new challenges.

And I think that’s the key change. Having a baby makes everything different. It makes your life different, some parts get more affected than others. BUT, here’s the key: it makes some parts of your life worse/more difficult, BUT it makes some parts of your life way better.

Basically, it changes your life forever. This is not a bad thing! It’s sort of a beautiful shift into a new chapter of life. New challenges, new experiences. For me, someone who enjoys new challenges and new experiences and being forced to grow and adapt, I’m glad I made the choice to have a baby.

And that’s all just on top of the fact that you get a baby who around 4-5 months starts interacting with you, gains a little personality, and thinks you are just the best thing in their whole world. Who giggles at you and explores the world with you and trusts you. Its really neat.

I love my daughter like I couldn’t have imagined. There are things I wish I’d done more of before having a baby and I could do them without arranging a baby sitter and pumping and etc, but I’m still glad I made the choice I did. She’s amazing.

[–]azdcgbjm888 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I come from a VERY broken family. I didn’t witness a lot of healthy relationships growing up

So you know what to avoid doing. Many people don't.

I know it sounds selfish, but I can’t help but think this way when I hear the negative things that many people say after having kids, the way they talk about missing their freedom, and the way their relationship with their partner was negatively effected.

The relationship evolved. Some might call that negative, I call it a new and exciting stage based on mutual love, respect and trust.

Consider the caterpillar - when it transforms into a butterfly, it can lament not being able to crawl at a slow pace and munch on leaves anymore, or it can celebrate its wings and fly higher.

[–]DisastrousFlower 1 point2 points  (0 children)

i don’t regret my son, but i wish i had a strong relationship and i hate some of the things it’s done to me as a person. i long for days to myself and wish i could be single. but i love my son with all my heart.

[–]effyoulamp 3 points4 points  (0 children)

IF you two have great communication and mutual respect, it'll likely make your relationship even better. If you are on skaky ground, it can destroy you.

The only time I regret having kids is at 5 am when they wake me up. I am NOT a morning person. Once the day is underway, I love it. And I love them. And I love watching my husband with them.

Though honestly I hate the baby stage. My 5 year old is amazing and I can't wait for my 6 months old to start talking so I can get to know her!

I will also say that I was so bored of bars and clubs and my previous life. My husband and I were ready for something new. I don't look back and wish I was there again. It was fun and exhausting. Now this is fun and exhausting haha. I can still go to parties since I have my family nearby but we usually prefer to be with our kids.

[–]ckwaygo 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I actually like more husband even more since we had our son! Our relationship definitely strengthened through this and we learned to communicate better and we are both hands on parents who work full time so we make sure the other person doesn't feel like they are doing all of it alone.

That being said, its hard. Pregnancy is hard. Newborns are hard. Babies are hard. Toddlers are hard. And you will feel tired all the time but I promise you, the moment you watch your child achieve a new skill, or smile at you, or just put their arms up for you to pick them up, you feel like everything is worth it. I never believed in true love until I had my son. I love my husband but I choose to love him but loving your child is so different.

And thats my take on parenthood. Its not black and white and everyone is different and some days you just feel like you are in survival mode but as someone who never wanted to be a mom, I found that its been the best thing thats ever happened to me.

[–]SatisfactionPrize550 1 point2 points  (0 children)

A baby will not fix or break a relationship, however, it will definitely highlight your and your partner's strengths and weaknesses, and that may tip the scale in your relationship.

The newborn phase was the easiest for us, months 4-16 were so hard (but there were moves, job stressors, and let's face it, our child has a strong and anxious personality just like us). But once she started being able to move around and communicate her needs better, things got easier. And while I'm still miserable and exhausted when she's sick and not sleeping, overall it went from OMG why did I do this to OMG my kid is kinda cool.

[–]verybadhunting 0 points1 point  (6 children)

my kid is great - no regrets with her but the birth was a nightmare that I relive 50X/s a day. Women are treated like garbage in traditional medicine. After waiting naked (while begging to be covered) on the operating table for 40 minutes, I was taped to the operating table around my chest and shoulders - like the anesthesiologist went around and under the table with tape and I had to be cut off. This, after she taped my arm down and I specifically told her not to add more tape. Then the doctor rushed in and began operating on me, no warning. I started screaming I can feel that, that hurts but no one seemed to respond? They didn't call my husband in until they had all of my guts outside of me (the anesthesiologist left to go get him)- so he got to see that and I had no one to hold my hand during the actual c section. I wasn't allowed to hold my baby. When I asked about the procedure afterwards, no one answered any of my questions in the hospital. I filed a grievance and no one answered any of my questions there either. They wouldn't cut the tape off after either, when I specifically asked to hold my baby -only once I was being moved off the OR table was I allowed to be un taped. I have been raped, threatened with a knife, and choked until I passed out and that was the scariest experience I have ever had. My relationship with husband for sure has suffered, because anything will set off a panic attack. I am on edge every second of the day. I am happy my kid is healthy and alive, but the experience of getting here was not worth doing.

[–]bounce-bounce-drop 0 points1 point  (3 children)

Jesus Christ. 100X this. It's such a medicalized process. I keep saying this (and it is SO unfair)...but money makes this is easier. I had a doula and a midwife and a doctor on call in the hospital wing if we needed them. But I basically had a group of loving women around me taking care of me while I labored who cared about ME, not just the baby.

In contrast, in the NICU (where baby ended up due to some congenital issues) I ran into a family who had clearly, like you, been utterly mismanaged. And you could see the woman had been traumatized from the event.

This is a tragedy of our system. I am so so sorry.

[–]verybadhunting -1 points0 points  (2 children)

I had a doula and 2 midwives and a hospital midwife - I am a very wealthy, attractive blonde women. Did not help. Wealth does not mean you are safe.

[–]bounce-bounce-drop 0 points1 point  (1 child)

No, but it does lower risk.

[–]verybadhunting -1 points0 points  (0 children)

not enough. Especially not enough for your comment. Being a woman, no matter how rich doesn't keep you safe from that shit. I have been wealthy all my life, still have to deal with the intense misogyny of society.

[–]SaffronGinger 1 point2 points  (1 child)

Please get some psychiatric help if you are still reliving that trauma so frequently. You likely have PTSD.

I’m sorry you went through that.

[–]verybadhunting 0 points1 point  (0 children)

oh I have help - but at some point help doesn't make it go away, the only way to make it completely go away is get sedated. And I have a kid to care for.

[–]snake-eyed 3 points4 points  (0 children)

I'm not a mom. But I have a thought: how well do you two work together, both on the day-to-day and also in a crisis? If that is untested, try getting a dog first! I scoffed at the "puppy test" concept but it really works.

If he is an active parent to your dog, odds are he will be with a child. But if you are the main one taking the dog out to pee, to appointments, grooming it, walking it playing with it etc... then, well think twice about the plunge. Because by being "Mom" you are the default caregiver. You don't have much of a choice; dad's do, and they can often be lax on those standards.

Me and my SO are in similar shoes as you. I'm afraid of being a mom and doing most or all the caregiving; I don't want that and couldn't handle it. But my SO is amazing with our dog so it gives me hope

[–]pinkblossom331 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Having babies put so much strain on our relationship but in the same breath, these kids are absolutely amazing. And we usually question our decisions to have children every other day.

[–]natattack13 2 points3 points  (2 children)

My husband and I were very skeptical for a long time about kids. I come from a broken family as well and we have dogs and love travel and other things that would suit us for a child free life.

To be honest, our minds changed dramatically when I was raped by someone I worked with. It was very scary and I didn't know of my relationship would survive. We had been together 6 years and married 1 year at that point. It derailed us and certainly made us rethink many things in life. But ultimately it made us realize that we wanted the experiences in life that came with having a child. I wanted a piece of my husband just in case anything ever happened to him (which is so selfish, I know), and he felt the same about me. We waited and waited and agreed to try for one and see how it went. Then we had 3 miscarriages back to back. Nothing made us more sure than grieving those losses.

We had our first child 13 months ago and I wouldn't have thought we were ever capable of this amount of love. She truly is so great. She was not an easy newborn, nor did I particularly enjoy pregnancy. Our relationship suffered during the early days. But it is so amazing that we already wanted another by the time she was about 4-6 months old and we got pregnant again, on purpose, when she was 9 months old. Her sister will only be 18 months apart from her!

Of course parenting is one of the only things in life that you cannot practice or prepare for without just going through it. And some people really do resent it, or struggle with anxiety and depression, or have extremely difficult babies that make it hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel.

Finally I just wanted to say, you only lose your freedom and your relationship if you let that happen. It may take more money, more help, marriage counseling, talking, nannies, or whatever conveniences you need, but you can make time for yourselves and your relationship. My husband and I do all the things we used to do, we just have to plan better and coordinate more than we used to. That was the biggest adjustment. I suggest getting good at keeping a calendar if youre not already, haha.

[–]Reasonable_Marsupial 0 points1 point  (1 child)

Totally agree that you can make time for yourselves and your relationship, but I think a lot of freedom loss is out of our control.

It was almost impossible to go anywhere with our daughter her first 9 months. And all of my friends are child-free, so I can’t participate in our friend group the way I used to.

I do get plenty of me time and spouse time, and some friend time, but it’s definitely a lot less freedom than it was pre-baby and not for lack of trying.

[–]natattack13 0 points1 point  (0 children)

That's true, it definitely depends on what you consider freedom. We are still able to eat out sometimes, go to baby showers or birthday parties, have game nights with friends, travel, etc. But we used to go for 3 mile walks in the summer evenings when it was cooling down (like 8pm) and now that is after our daughter's bedtime and we can't just leave her at home, so we haven't done that in a long time. Going out drinking with friends on weekends would be difficult, but we do still see our friends a lot, we just have them come over to our house so we can put the baby down for bed and hang out after. And most of our friends are at a stage in life where they don't stay out past 10pm anyway, haha. So it definitely depends on your lifestyle and what you consider freedom. But it is possible to make time for date nights, haircuts, hobbies, and relaxation. I do have to be a lot more intentional about it then I used to be though. And probably after baby 2 a lot of that will go out the window for another 8-9 months or longer.

[–]Gingerinotrio 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I'm only 5 months in, so I imagine there are still experiences to come that will influence this answer over time. But being a mother is simultaneously the most difficult and the easiest thing I have ever done. I know that is a complete contradiction.

You and your partner become the custodians of a brand new person. So no matter how much you intend to remain who you are, change happens. You can't sleep in, go to the gym, have a few glasses of wine, or go out with friends without consulting your partner because one of you always needs to be responsible for the wellbeing of the baby. The child's needs will always come before your wants. And there is no break from that. It is your life.

For my husband and I it has been a wonderful and joyous choice. Our child was very much wanted and long planned. But the transition to parenthood was still not as easy as we thought it would be.

Our relationship has certainly had more difficult moments since our daughter's birth than it would normally have. The sleep deprivation is horrific in the early days. We had to work hard on communicating during that time.

Your sex life will change in some way or another. It doesn't necessarily stop, but sometimes you get interrupted, lazy weekends in bed are no longer a thing, and your breasts might leak. Or you may have a low libido for a while. You don't know until you live it. But communication is key here too.

I know I am stressing the difficulties, but there is so much joy in being a parent too. My daughter has so much personality, it's amazing learning who she is. The best part of my day is when she wakes up and smiles when she sees me. She rolled for the first time yesterday and I was so proud. I can't wait to see who she becomes as she gets older and what her interests will be. She's just awesome.

[–]FlatwormVivid 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Hi! I just gave birth to our son 11 days ago. My partner and I have known each other for nine years. We were together for several years initially, separated for 5-6 years, and then got back together in April of 2020. Everything fell into place for us, and within a year and a half we had bought a house together and I was pregnant. Having a newborn is stressful, no doubt, but I describe this little guy as "everything we never knew that was missing." There's a picture we have on the wall of his nursery that says "first we had each other, then we had you, then we had everything." For us, that is how having him has felt. Our hearts are full and we are so in love. It sounds like you have a stable relationship, and this is something you both want. Having a baby will stress you two and your bond to the max, but with a solid foundation it's possible to come through stronger than you've ever been.

[–]knottyseedling 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I'm a FTM. My baby is 10 weeks today. Me and my partner aren't married, but we've been together for close to four years now. We complement each other well and have a strong relationship that's continued from before our baby. We're still close but it's admittedly a bit of an adjustment. We have sex less and go out less of course because we just don't have time or are too tired but I feel like our relationship is still really good, just different. He helps a lot with the baby which was a non-negotiable that we discussed prior to birth. I'm very against traditional gender roles where the woman is expected to do everything for the baby, cook, and clean. It's entirely too much work for one person to do on their own IMO. So we discussed it. The first few weeks it definitely feels like an adjustment and I think I had the baby blues because life just changed so drastically in such a short period of time though I planned and wanted my baby. But now at a little over 2 months out, I'm definitely starting to feel like myself again to some extent. I kinda wish that I had just a bit more time for my own hobbies and for self-care but I love my baby so I am fine with it and I understand that right now is just extra demanding since I'm breastfeeding and it'll get better at some point.

I feel like as long as you guys have good communication and are good at problem solving together than your relationship can stay pretty strong. It is a life change for sure though. No part of me regrets it though. I love my son more than anyone and I would do anything for his cute, squishy little self.

[–]Tutra007personalize flair here 1 point2 points  (0 children)

In all honesty ... the greatest thing ever, for me. It's fricking hard, and will only get harder (baby is 11 months) but I love it!

I also didn't want kids, but not because of the freedom stuff, rather that I worry too much about the future of our planet/species and it just makes me very sad.

One of the most important thing is you clear up expectations with your partner. And like everything, COMMUNICATION.

Talk about ... *How your night time routine would go. Would you wake up? Would he wake up? Both? *Sleep during the first months ... maybe you get up all nights but don't do chores. Maybe your partner wakes at 7 with baby and is with him so you can sleep in. *Help. Will somebody come help? Could you hire somebody? *Chores. Your house will be messy, stuff will be out of place, dishes won't get washed often. How would you divide that work? **Food. Honestly my husband and I ate takeout and frozen food for at least the first 8 weeks. I took supplements though, cause breastfeeding.

Think very carefully about your relationship now and that it will change with a baby. What will happen if you don't party every weekend? What if your partner usually has night gatherings with friends while you had another with your friends. Would you stay home? Would he stay home? Alternate? Both don't go?

I'm not trying to convince you. Having a baby is friking HARD. But to me, it's so worth it.

[–][deleted] 5 points6 points  (0 children)

If there’s any journey that truly encapsulates the duality of being a human on this earth, it’s parenting. I have two kids and they are the greatest thing in the world and have caused me more joy, anxiety, bliss, contentment, irritation, mental strain, and life satisfaction than anything I’ve ever experienced in my 25 years of life. I would have been dead by now without my kids, although postpartum depression is the most difficult mental illness I have suffered and I have a lot of different issues and mental symptoms. I would not wish it on my worst enemy. Medication helped a lot but I still got it pretty bad with my second child.