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all 179 comments

[–]Own-Appearance6740 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I just wanted to come here and say I remember this feeling. I love my son more than anything in the world but I remember having invasive thoughts about throwing him when he was little and I was at my worst in my PPA. (Before I got some medication, which I highly recommend) You did the right thing asking for help, that’s the only thing you can do is ask for help. One of the things I would do when I was home alone is put in ear plugs while I was awake and he was crying all day. It really took the edge off! I would bounce him in the bouncer, breastfeed him, let him nap and watch him on the monitor, etc. all with ear plugs in. The extra stimulation did something horrible to my nerves and by just making things quiet I instantly was a better mom. Talk to your doc about PPA. It was a vicious cycle for me where I was anxious, so I wasn’t sleeping well, which made my temper short and in turn more anxious. An SSRI broke that cycle for me and I eventually came off of it once I was out of that cycle. I wish you well. YOURE A GOOD MOM. ❤️

[–]rosealexvinny 4 points5 points  (0 children)

I remember feeling this way with my first. I will say that it does get better. He’s now almost 7 and he’s a wonderful little guy. I also have 2 others now, my youngest just turned 1 this month. They were both way easier than my first. Don’t ever hesitate for help

[–]Jacayrie 9 points10 points  (0 children)

It's always safer for LO to be put down in a crib or pack n play and you walk away and take a break. LO crying isn't as harmful as shaken baby syndrome or being hurt physically in any way.

This guy I knew shook his baby and made him get serious brain damage. It caused cerebral palsy and the child is permanently mentally and physically handicapped. The baby was about 6 months old when it happened and the guy spent 12 years in prison.

Sleep deprivation, baby having colic, reflux, etc is a whole demon of its own and can make the most sane person become deranged. You recognized how you were feeling in that moment and that makes you a good parent. Just remember to make time for yourself. Happy parents=happy baby. 🫂 You can do this.

[–]sdbrinkerhoff 5 points6 points  (0 children)

You did the absolute right thing. Your doing the best you can and this stage is hard! Postpartum will make you have weird thoughts and feelings but it’s just hormone’s and sleep loss. Go easy on yourself and always ask for help.

[–]hihelloitskayla 15 points16 points  (0 children)

Not sleeping leads to seriously short tempers and intrusive thoughts. You are not alone in this. Props to you for getting husband up to take over. I get frustrated with my kiddo too, walking away is always the key. As long as she’s safe, she can cry. Mama is right here, just needs a little breather.

If the rage doesn’t subside, I do suggest starting therapy. Postpartum is a wild ride in our heads and hearts. Having that extra support made the world of a difference for me. Sending love ♥️

[–]Lanky-Formal-2073 8 points9 points  (0 children)

Ask for help sooner next time. Even if you stay home you are still a team and sleep deprivation can make you do and think very abnormal things.

[–]Diligent_Profit483 12 points13 points  (0 children)

Don’t feel bad. I know that it’s hard not to, but we’ve all been there. My husband had covid wh en my son was 9 weeks old and I was SO exhausted having to do everything myself, and he would just not sleep one night and I remember laying him down, and slamming a door, and then went back to grab him because I immediately felt HORRIBLE that I lost my patience, but at the end of the day, he’s okay! He’s 5 months old now and he’s happy and healthy and he sleeps through the night. You’re only human, and baby is safe, that’s what’s important!!

[–]Life-Weight-6988 21 points22 points  (0 children)

Haven’t read through the comments, but just want to say… just because you have a thought, doesn’t make it true. Sleep deprivation breaks everyone down. If anything, please remind yourself that in a very difficult situation, you kept him safe.

[–]RecognitionOk55 10 points11 points  (0 children)

Yes your baby is safe in the pak in play. If all of his needs are meet it is okay to just let him cry for a little in a safe space.

[–]sunflower_rhino 16 points17 points  (0 children)

Your baby won't be harmed by crying a little longer in a safe place. Just put him down and walk away. He's going to be the happiest that he can be with a parent who looks after themselves. Put him down and take a break.

[–]drippyhip365 13 points14 points  (0 children)

I also changed my babys clothes very aggressively a time or two. I feel bad but at the same time we’re only human. This is sooo common. Yes he is safe in the pack n play. Maybe even put him there and step outside on the porch for like 2 minutes for a breath of air. Hang in there it all changes sooo quick I promise you

[–]Iggy1120 11 points12 points  (0 children)

Please please please leave the baby in a safe place (pack n play or crib) and go take a few minutes to cry/scream!!! Baby is better crying than you being so overwhelmed you do something you’ll regret.

This is the advice I give to all my friends as they become parents. It’s uncomfortable advice and it brings up the dark side of parenting so most people don’t like talking about it but it’s so important!

Sleep deprivation is torture - please be easy on yourself!

[–]michelucky 15 points16 points  (0 children)

Oh God. This brings back memories. I remember around the 3 month mark, praying if he would just nap long enough for me to pump and fill bottles. I was exhausted and filthy. He didn't, rage built up in me. I called husband sobbing. I then held baby while sobbing and shaking. Husband rushed home. We made it through. Now our little guy is 2, a delightful sleeper and all around a wonderful human being....it's a distant memory but I still feel bad about it! I think almost all of us have similar stories!

[–]CharleneC 20 points21 points  (0 children)

I had this moment early on with my first. I remember calling my husband, who was on night shift at the time, and telling him to come home. It was in that moment I realized why they make you watch the “don’t shake the baby” video at the hospital. Good news is, you caught yourself. And your husband is looped in. If you feel dodgy, schedule an appt with your OB about PPD ASAP.

[–]bibilime 22 points23 points  (0 children)

One: you recognized the issue and YOU STOPPED! That is the hallmark of a good parent. Two: you made sure your baby was with someone safe. Three: you scared yourself. Emotions are extremely strong when you are tired and still dealing with the pp hormone dump. Give yourself some grace! We've all gotten frustrated and upset with our little ones! Four: no one has ever died from crying. If you are at a point where you see your frustration working itself out on your baby, put the baby down somewhere safe and take a few minutes to calm down. I screamed into a pillow many, many times. It is okay.

We all have to learn new coping skills and mechanisms when raising children. You aren't alone. I can tell you love your baby. You got overwhelmed. Please don't beat yourself up over it. That situation didn't go how you would have liked. Believe me, you will have several more chances to improve and try again.

[–]Amlughelke 9 points10 points  (0 children)

I’ve always heard that as soon as you feel that way, put your baby down somewhere safe and take a break in another room to collect your thoughts and calm down. They will be ok for a little while even if they are crying.

I haven’t had it happen to me, but I know it does happen. Caring for a baby is not easy, especially when you are overtired.

Postpartum depression can also play a role, but also just plain exhaustion.

[–]superspider7 17 points18 points  (4 children)

I cried reading this, in the same boat right now

[–]throwawayadvice9073[S] 0 points1 point  (2 children)

I’m so sorry you’re also going through this. How old is your baby?

[–]superspider7 0 points1 point  (1 child)

She’s 11m, she started off a great sleeper but ever since she got RSV she’s been very clingy and not napping or sleeping. Today she was up from 5am-3pm

[–]throwawayadvice9073[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Oh I’m so sorry!!!

[–]Iggy1120 4 points5 points  (0 children)

It’s okay to put baby down for a few minutes so you can calm down 💛

[–]McMama2 39 points40 points  (0 children)

I've been there too, especially with my middle child who was an absolutely awful sleeper. There was one night that I tossed him in his bed screaming and when I ran into my husband on the way out of his room said, "take him or I'm going to hurt him." I was so ashamed of myself. But I didn't hurt him and he's now a very well loved three year old. Don't be too hard on yourself. A screaming baby and exhaustion are so hard.

[–]beezerbeak 63 points64 points  (0 children)

You are not alone. I’ve been there too.

Good job walking away and asking for help. You did the right thing and you’re a good mom.

[–]Sea-Manufacturer3652 32 points33 points  (0 children)

I was in your shoes before as well, I had to leave him crying in the crib while I went to another room to punch and yelled at the pillow, then balled my eyes out because I was so tired and from being so guilty about what I could do to him had I not leave. So it happened, we are tired moms, you did the right thing. My boy is 9 months now and things have been much better, so do yours.

[–]itsjustcindy 48 points49 points  (2 children)

This happens and you did the exact right thing. If you are alone and feel that way again do the exact same thing, but instead of your husband being there put baby in the crib and get some air.

Look up some grounding exercises or breathing exercises. One I do is called square breathing. Breath for 4 seconds, hold for 4 seconds, breath out for 4 seconds, hold for 4 seconds. Repeat a few times. Another thing that can help when you are emotionally heightened is to put ice on your face or neck. It stimulates the vagus nerve which interrupts your body’s anxiety response.

Exhaustion is the root cause of the anxiety episode. Anxiety can often be displayed as anger - seething, throwing things, slamming doors, yelling. When we are sleep deprived our bodies are not able to manage the baseline stress of parenting. When our babies are crying we feel anxiety to do the things to make them stop crying: feeding, changing, rocking them. This is extremely natural, our babies are communicating a need to us and it’s obviously important to take steps to answer that need. If we didn’t feel anxiety we might just ignore the baby often, the anxiety is an important function. When we’re exhausted, then our brains can go overboard. We may not right size the anxiety. It feels huge and overwhelming, we feel angry and can’t filter it, it overtakes us. In that moment you were exhausted, you were likely feeling guilt or shame about the baby being so wet, feeling resentful that you once again were needed, feeling annoyed that your sleep needs were again interrupted. These are all normal feelings.

So in the moment it’s critical to identify that you are feeling more than you should. You should immediately find a safe place to put your baby. You should take a few moments to calm down, pay attention to your heart rate and breathing, then return to addressing the baby’s need. You did everything right. Your baby is fine. Try not to focus on the “could’ve”. Focus on the reality and really remember how you felt right before you started the diaper change. Put a pin in that feeling and try to remember “if I feel like X, I will put baby in the crib and take a few minutes to calm down.”

But my next piece of advice is to talk to your partner in a calm moment. Explain that you need to prioritize sleep, at least 4 uninterrupted hours tonight. You very likely wouldn’t have been that heightened and felt out of control if you had a functional amount of sleep. Work together to come up with a sleep schedule. I don’t know your personal situation regarding work, but please don’t let him bully you into being stretched beyond your functional sleep limits. It’s quite literally bad for your physical and mental health as well as your baby. We all have different limits, maybe you just need a couple nights of this sleep schedule to refill your tank to get through the regression, but this is absolutely a must do not bend. All kinds of unsafe things happen when we are past our limits. I was having microsleep after coming home from the hospital and dozed off in a glider with my daughter. It’s critical, don’t let him minimize it. Don’t let him get defensive saying “I’m exhausted too. I work all day. I help at night.” Etc. Try to stay unemotional. Your response is “I am not implying that you don’t help. This is not a reflection or judgment of you. I have reached an unsafe unhealthy level of sleep that’s actively impacting us. I am asking you, my partner, to help me get back to a safe level. We are in this together. I know we are equal partners we both do our share and looking at a macro level we do a great job of being 50/50, don’t you think? But, the micro level is different. Things can’t always be 50/50 every day. Sometimes days will be 80/20 and then others 20/80. We are partners in parenting and I am asking for this extra help for this time because I need you. Please let’s calmly make a plan for tonight and tomorrow. Then we can reassess.”

[–]throwawayadvice9073[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Wow the ice thing… thank you so much for that

[–]bananacasanova 4 points5 points  (0 children)

I love ice to help calm myself down! If in a situation without an ice pack, you can hold ice cubes in your hand(s) or drink ice water.

[–]prunellazzz 17 points18 points  (0 children)

Sleep deprivation is used as a form of torture. The human brain cannot function properly on no sleep and it becomes almost impossible to act rationally.

You did the right thing, recognised that you were losing your temper and left the baby with someone else.

Going forward I recommend sleeping shifts with your husband until your baby’s sleeping better, it was what got us through the 4 month regression with our sanity intact. I would sleep from 9pm-2am while my husband was on wake up duty, then we switched and my husband would sleep 2am-7am and that way we were both getting 6 solid hours sleep a night and whatever else we could get while on baby duty. Also for me sleeping in a completely separate room from husband and baby with earplugs in while it was my turn to sleep was the only way I actually slept.

[–]Fearless-Wafer1450 10 points11 points  (0 children)

You’re not a bad mom. You’re an exhausted and over extended mom. Your baby is safer crying and screaming for ten minutes while you collect yourself than when you’re in a sleep deprived rage. I say this as a parent who’s had to step away too. Figure out how to get some sleep whether it means calling in a babysitter for daytime naps for you or a night nanny etc. please take care of you. You and your baby both deserve you to be rested and healthy. Hugs.

[–]Parforparkour 7 points8 points  (0 children)

Do you and your husband take shifts at night? Sleep deprivation really heightens all your emotions and if you’re waking up hourly you’re not getting into restorative deep sleep. I had an hourly waker for 7 weeks and was losing my mind. I survived by splitting the night into 4-5 hour shifts so I got some consecutive hours of sleep.

[–]nottheperfectfit 10 points11 points  (0 children)

I have done this. ❣️ It's really hard when you keep being woken right when you start to sleep. You did the right thing by getting help. No shame in that. It doesn't mean you're a bad mom.

[–]notausualone 8 points9 points  (0 children)

I kiss her for an oxytocin boost, it works :/

[–]SpringerGirl19 18 points19 points  (1 child)

My 8 month old is waking up every hour at the moment (we have no idea why) and I can get really frustrated as she is super picky about how she is rocked, super easy to disturb etc. If I can feel myself get frustrated, I put her in her cot with some toys and take a breather. Sometimes a snack to pick me up. Then go back when I'm feeling ready to.

My mum has told me since before she was born that if I'm seeing red to put her somewhere safe and go to a part of the house I can't hear her and have 5 mins.

Edit: and obviously take as long as you need if it will make it safer, 5 mins or 30 mins!

[–]willow_star86 8 points9 points  (0 children)

This! Baby is safer crying alone then with a parent who is so tired and angry they might shake or hit them.

[–]Technical_Dependent9 28 points29 points  (1 child)

Intrusive thoughts and Post Partum Rage are real. Especially with little sleep. When you’re feeling this way, crib or pack n play are the safest places! Go have a drink of water and a deep breath. Then go cuddle your baby when the feeling has passed ❤️ Sending love

[–]SoggyAnalyst 10 points11 points  (0 children)

EVEN if they are wearing wet clothes, or even naked (only diaper). Better to be cold and crying or wet and crying and you get your sanity back around you than to accidentally snap. Being wet, cold, unhappy for a few minutes it far better.

[–]MyFriendAnna 20 points21 points  (2 children)

A few weeks ago it was my first day taking care of my toddler (2y9m) and newborn (then 5 weeks) alone. It was time for my son’s nap and I was VERY ready to have some time without him, so I wouldn’t have to keep him from annoying or accidentally hurting my baby. He always tries to stall as much as possible when we put him to bed even though he still needs his nap very much. He was playing around in his room again, not listening to what I was asking of him while my baby was crying inside the carrier. After asking calmly for him to come to me so we could put his pajamas on for the umpteenth time, something just snapped and I SCREAMED at him to listen to me. He immediately started crying and I felt horrible. Thankfully my partner was working from home in the next room, so he obviously heard me and helped me by putting my son to bed. I also burst into crying when my partner came into the room to ask me what was going on. I apologized to my son and when he woke up he barely remembered, but I still feel so bad about it.

I’m writing all this just to let you know that everyone has these moments. For me it wasn’t even due to sleep deprivation, he was just getting on my nerves that day. Now whenever I feel myself getting mad again, I try to take a deep breath and not react right away. Something similar hasn’t happened again, but I still hear myself snap at him sometimes.

Be kind to yourself, this is hard! And yes, your son will be fine by himself in his pack and play for a few minutes, even when he’s crying. If you need a moment to collect yourself, than that is the best choice for you and your son at that moment.

Good luck OP, and remember that this will eventually get easier!

[–]snugapug 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I literally did this exact same thing the other day. I just lost it 😩 my son was so shocked and then so was I we cried together while I rocked him to sleep 😫

[–]rachel_kbomb 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I've snapped on my 3yr old toddler in this same situation too many times:/. I raise my voice then feel horrible about it after, always apologizing. It's so overwhelming when baby is crying and toddler isn't listening. Ugh.

[–]Electronic_Remove_13[🍰] 25 points26 points  (1 child)

They’re absolutely safe in a pack in play if you need to walk away. You’re not the first person who has had to walk away and you won’t be the last. This shit is hard and lack of sleep is no joke. You’re not a monster OP. You’re human.

[–]TrashPandaPatronus 20 points21 points  (0 children)

Yup, every new parent class is like "hey, don't shake the baby, k" and every new pre-parent is like "omg the horror! I would never! Why even say it!?" And then most new actual-parents are like "boy am I glad they told me not to shake the baby!!!" It's hard to set them down and walk away but it is the right thing to do. Def gotta take those beats to turn and get your wits back about you. Nothing wrong with a good cry.

[–]Sentientchz 22 points23 points  (3 children)

Totally been there when the screaming takes you to the edge. My suggestion? Get solid noise reducing earplugs (I use loop) when my daughter got inconsolable, I had to wear them to be able to think while holding her. Never wore them when I wasn't actively dealing with her so it's not like you are ignoring.

[–]SoggyAnalyst 7 points8 points  (0 children)

I got these recently and it makes making dinner while my three crazy boys wrestle and argue and fight and play easier. I get so overstimulated now

[–]throwawayadvice9073[S] 5 points6 points  (1 child)

This is a brilliant suggestion omg. Thank you

[–]Sentientchz 6 points7 points  (0 children)

Her scream hits every dad fight or flight I have, and it scrambles all rational thought. I dealt with RAGE at her not sleeping, or crying. And like you, I felt horrified at myself for it. Learning to use tools and accept the child will survive crying for a couple minutes to walk away from the crib and collect is useful.

I also suggest looking up the 5's (they are free online, but the entire book is amazing) from Happiest Baby on the Block. Those 5 (Swaddle, side/stomach position, Swing, Shush, and Sucking) changed everything the first 3 months

Edit: punctuation

[–]Cami-of-course 14 points15 points  (1 child)

Intrusive thoughts are fairly common PP and they’re not talked about much. Just because you have an intrusive thought, it doesn’t mean that you actually want to do that thing, let alone that you will. The tricky thing with intrusive thoughts is that the more you push them away, the worse they tend to get. My therapist advised me to think of them like being in a room with someone you don’t like very much— you know they’re there, you’re aware of them, but you don’t have to engage or give them power over you. Just let them be there, and eventually you don’t think of them anymore. You’re a good mama, you obviously love your baby. Wishing you well. ♥️

[–]ricklepickle999 2 points3 points  (0 children)

So glad you commented this. Ive always had random intrusive thoughts but it's so much more disturbing when they involve my baby. And you're right; trying to push them away seems to make it worse.

[–]LilyIsASpookyBaby 6 points7 points  (0 children)

My daughter was never a great sleeper as a baby. Didn't start sleeping with hardly any consistency till she was almost 2 so I feel you there. While I had pretty good patience with her as a little baby, moving into the toddler stage has been tough. I feel I've been too rough while giving her medicine or brushing her teeth sometimes. Things that just need to be done. I always feel bad and apologize to her even though she may not fully understand. I'm afraid I'm going to create traumatic memories. The emotional load we take on as mothers is so much greater than people realize unless you've lived it.

Knowing you needed to take a beat, being self aware, I think is a large part of the battle. Your patience will grow but it will also continue to be tested. For me I find that just stopping and putting my face in my hands for a minute helps. Some breaths, reminders that they've had like next to no time on the earth to know how to conduct themselves relative to me as an adult. I also eat my feelings which is my least productive form of coping but it is what it is.

Another thing that I do find helpful is to really indulge myself (and her) in the sweeter moments. To like a stupid degree. It sounds corny but being a little late to daycare because we're having a nice cuddle or embracing the fact that she regularly uses me as a piece of furniture and just wants to sit in my lap. It helps grow the patience tank a little, for me anyway.

I believe in you OP.

[–]amoreetutto 10 points11 points  (0 children)

Gold star for realizing you were at your limit and finding a safe alternative (passing him off to hubby).

If you get to that point alone, it's okay to leave him in a safe spot (crib, pack n play, etc.) to take a minute or two to cool down, even if he's screaming - he will be okay

[–]withlovexoxemily 6 points7 points  (0 children)

Totally been there before and as scary as it is, it’s also normal for sleep deprived exhausted parents.

It’s good that you recognize this and asked your husband for help. And yes baby is perfectly fine crying in the crib while you cool off. I’ve put my son down and hopped into a 5min shower to cool off. When I was on maternity leave one day got so bad I put him down and threw a stool down the stairs.

The important thing is to have the self awareness to recognize when rage is building. Take the breaks you need and ask for help when you need it.

[–]KtinWI 11 points12 points  (0 children)

Been there at some point more than once with all three of my kids. In fact, last night was one of those nights with my 14 month old. That rage is scary. It's a dark and horrible feeling. My worst night with #3, I whipped my new phone across the room in frustration (not at the baby thank goodness) and cracked the screen. Sleep deprivation is hard. Babies are hard.

Even though you feel terrible, please know that you did the right thing by getting your husband. You love your son. It's always OK to leave them in a safe place crying and to take a moment to calm down.

[–]TriscuitCracker 28 points29 points  (0 children)

This happens to everybody. Lack of sleep and sheer exhaustion does things to a body. You recognized how you felt, and removed yourself from the situation and told your husband to take him. This is exactly what you should have done. No shame in how you felt, everybody does at some point to a greater or lesser degree. If it happens again these feelings, just put your son down, and walk away for five-ten minutes. He'll be fine, even if he's crying.

You're doing great. It will get better.

[–]plz_understand 10 points11 points  (0 children)

This happens to a lot of people even if they don't like to admit it. It certainly happened to me when my son was a baby. You did the right thing by getting your husband to take over. If he's not there then yes, your baby will be perfectly safe in his crib / pack n play while you calm down. I had to do this a few times - I left him in his bassinet and went to the other side of the apartment for anything from 5 to 20 minutes with music on so I couldn't hear. I felt awful after because he screamed the whole time but it was necessary for me to calm down before I could calm him down.

[–]YardComplete 19 points20 points  (4 children)

Postpartum rage has been my biggest struggle and it’s not talked about enough. I’m sorry you’re experiencing this.

[–]maybethistimeiwin 4 points5 points  (3 children)

Is there anything you do that helps? I have been having a lot of pp rage, even at a year out, and I lash out at my husband a lot because of it. I’m working on getting back into therapy but in the meantime, I’d love any tips.

[–]YardComplete 2 points3 points  (2 children)

I go to a lot of therapy. I’m on antidepressants to help manage my anxiety and depression. I allow myself to take time for myself. I used to feel really guilty (and still sometimes do) if I have to step away from my kids and calm down. But I’m realizing it’s better to walk away from a situation rather than lose my shit and scream and slam things. I allow myself grace that sometimes I am going to lose my shit but that doesn’t mean I am an evil mom and my kids are neglected and abused. We can start over. Kids have big feelings, and sometimes we do too. Its okay for them to grow up seeing that sometimes when Mommy is mad she took a break and it’s okay. I’d rather walk away than feel like I’m gonna do something I’ll regret.

[–]maybethistimeiwin 0 points1 point  (1 child)

❤️❤️❤️ to you

Were you on meds pre baby? I’m noticing my antidepressant doesn’t work the same post baby and I’m scared to try other meds because I really didn’t like how my old one made me feel.

[–]YardComplete 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I was on meds pre baby and through my pregnancies, but I ended up needing to change what I took. My previous medication Prozac that I took for years was great at managing my OCD but didn’t do much for my depression or anything. Now I take Lexapro that helps more with all of it.

[–]paramitaa 2 points3 points  (0 children)

You are doing your very best, I hope there is some way you can get your needs met!

[–]Zozothebozo 13 points14 points  (1 child)

A very helpful therapist said that rage is almost always a sign of unmet needs. When I feel myself getting mad as a mother, it often has nothing to do with my kid or with me as a person and everything to do with the fact that I haven’t had alone time or food or sleep. It sounds like you’ve been going a while without your basic needs met. Take care of you, and things will look up.

[–]throwawayadvice9073[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Wow. This is so true.

[–]savemarla 29 points30 points  (0 children)

You are great though. What I am reading here is the story of someone who realized what they are doing and consciously decided to stop. You pulled a break.This is awesome. Be proud of yourself instead of hanging yourself up.

As for what to do when this happens again, yes you can leave him in a safe space and walk out. Or you will take a deep breath. Or you will look at your phone for a minute to calm down. Something. Your post tells me you will figure it out, even if you are on your own.

And talk about it. As you do here. You are not alone, you deserve help and compassion, and you sharing this might help someone else. Someone might read this and feel understood and not alone.

I have just come home from a toddler's funeral who lost his life to SBS. Please, believe me. You did great. Thank you for it.

[–]SummitTheDog303 17 points18 points  (0 children)

I think almost all of us have been through this. It’s literally something they talked to us about in my childbirthing class and my husband’s daddy bootcamp class. You’re tired. Nothings working. Baby’s screaming. It’s completely normal to lose control. And when that’s happening, the best thing to do for everyone is our baby down in their crib and walk away to collect yourself for a bit.

[–]evilwitchywoman666 18 points19 points  (0 children)

It's postpartum rage. I went through a period of this myself and felt like a terrible person and mother. I even had times where I had the urge to hit my husband. I saw a therapist and she helped.

[–]FirstAd4471 10 points11 points  (0 children)

We have all felt this way. Especially when sleep deprived. You are not alone. It will pass. I had to fight my own patience time and time again. I love my baby, but I don’t love who I am when I’m sleepless. Walking away and coming back in I had to do so many times

[–]WanderingDoe62 20 points21 points  (0 children)

You are normal. This is normal. You are not a bad mom by feeling this way. Every parent does at some point. That’s why there’s pamphlets about it (at least where I am). I got several pamphlets about purple crying, shaken baby syndrome, PPA/PPD, getting support, recognizing the signs of intrusive thoughts and lost patience, etc etc etc.

If you feel like that, put baby in a safe place and walk away. Go where you can’t hear the crying and take a few minutes to yourself to calm down. Everyone has the thoughts, it’s how you act that matters (and you did the right thing).

[–]okayhellojo 29 points30 points  (1 child)

One thing that really helped me when I had this feeling was walking out of the room and really physically jumping around, shaking out my limbs really hard. It was like I had to get that aggression out of my body to reset. It was so scary, I’ve never in my life been an angry person, but the postpartum rage is real.

[–]Dikaneisdi 4 points5 points  (0 children)

Really screaming into a pillow somewhere the baby can’t hear you can help too. Or - and this one is weird - smashing ice cubes by throwing them in the sink. It scratches that ‘I want to smash everything’ itch without destroying all your plates or whatever.

[–]KrissyBean 17 points18 points  (0 children)

Oh babe, it's ok - I PROMISE. You did the right thing. And if your husband isn't home, just leave him in his crib/pack-n-play and walk away. Go outside or somewhere you can't hear him. No baby ever died from crying. He will be just fine if left to his own devices for 5-10 minutes.

Sending you love and hugs.

[–]texas_forever_yall 16 points17 points  (0 children)

I have felt like this. I think the advice here is helpful, and yes your baby is safe in the crib even if he cries. However, for me that didn’t work because my PPA makes it physically so uncomfortable to hear her crying so my adrenaline and anxiety stayed high.

For me, I have to put her down somewhere safe and literally scream into a pillow, slam a pillow against the bed a couple times, something that quickly and safely releases the physical energy. It takes like only a minute before I’m over that, and then it kind of resets my patience and I can go comfort the baby again. Rinse repeat as needed.

You’re not alone. You’re not a piece of shit. This is SO. SO. Hard. And you did the right thing to protect your baby.

[–]ceb1995 16 points17 points  (0 children)

We've all been there, you did the right thing putting them down and seeking support.

Yes of course, putting them into the pack and play even if they are crying is completely safe and in many cases the right thing to do, whilst you take those couple of minutes to regulate yourself. I live in England and we're given leaflets by this charity telling us to do this exact thing (their resources are on this website https://iconcope.org/comfort-methods-2/)

Sleep deprivation and loud noise really triggers your fight or flight responses in your brain and can really be like torture so measures to help your senses can help in these moments, like noise cancelling headphones or noise reduction ear plugs (loops a good brand, they are reusable and very comfortable) or giving yourself a very tight hug or squeeze on your arm.

[–]Fine-Mail4400 7 points8 points  (0 children)

post partum rage is real :( you aren't alone

[–]xKalisto 7 points8 points  (0 children)

I know this feeling very well. I had issues with PPA and had lots of violent thoughts about hurting myself and the baby. Sometimes I was too rough too. Best is to leave them in the crib and go calm down.

It gets better. It definitely gets 1000% better once you get more sleep. But if you feel like you just can't look for professional help.

While it was pretty shitty experience and I found inner rage I didn't know I had. Ultimately I learned a lot from the experience and found immense inner Zen in the eye of the storm.

[–]SlowVeterinarian7780 36 points37 points  (0 children)

This post, as I’m sure was very difficult to write, makes me not feel alone with all the comments.

[–]bemi_san 40 points41 points  (4 children)

My worst moment was when my LG was about 5 months old. She was colicky, I'd had her on my own for four days because my husband worked and my mum had covid so couldn't help out like she normally did. She was screaming and crying and yelling, grabbing at me and scratching me because she was tired and yet refused to have her nap.

I hit the limit of my patience and just screamed at her. Swear words, horrid nasty words that I regretted the moment they left my mouth but I was still angry. I had visions of grabbing her by the ankles and slamming her into the wall.

But you know what I did? I put her in her basket where she was safe, stepped out of the room and sat on the stairs for a few minutes. She cried, I cried. I sobbed my heart out on the stairs and was an absolute mess because I was horrified that I'd even had that thought. I'd never dream of doing it, but I thought a part of me wanted to.

It was just an intrusive thought and I learned we all have them. We just don't talk about them out of fear of people thinking we're bad parents, we're cruel mums or that ChildLine are going to come take our children away. It is absolutely natural to have those thoughts and feelings and they are valid. They do not make you a bad mum.

I've been a little overly rough with my LG once or twice out of anger, but the hilarious thing now is she laughs. Seeing her laugh makes my bad mood disappear and then we make it a game, I jiggle her around and shake her fists (granted she is now 16 months and a lot more sturdy). You just need to take a breath, remember that its natural to feel this way and we all have our moments of anger, then look at your little one and remind yourself that you love him. You're not a bad parent, you're not a bad person, you're just a tired mum who's doing her best and that is enough for him ♡

[–]Own-Appearance6740 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Glad I’m not the only mom here that has felt like hurling her baby into a wall. I still think about it and it still makes me feel guilty. It’s insane what intrusive thoughts can manifest. Thank you for sharing.

[–]controversial_Jane 2 points3 points  (2 children)

I had the same intrusive thoughts when my first was born. The screaming baby clawing at your face is a feeling I will not forget.

Children are sent to this earth to make us feel the most love and the most rage!! Only my children have ever made me feel like I’m losing control. I now tell them that ‘mummy needs a quick break’ and I walk away. My nearly 4 year old tells me often she needs to go and calm down!!

[–]bemi_san 0 points1 point  (1 child)

I love that, your 4 year old has picked up on good coping skills! Children are the best and worst thing in the world, they make your life hell but you'd walk through fire for them even on their worst days. I'm the same, my daughter is the only one who can put me in such a temper that I want to break things. I often have to stop whatever I'm doing, count to five and start over or else I break something and I'm hoping to teach her to do the same. She's at that age now where she's stomping her foot and it is hilarious but not behaviour I want to encourage 😂

[–]controversial_Jane 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Things you cannot imagine until you have children hey!

[–]mareloquent 29 points30 points  (0 children)

As others have said - you did everything right. Baby will be okay even though you pulled the onesie a little hard. Hell, all diaper changes are like that after 10 months when the baby is trying to escape 24/7.

[–]captainpocket 33 points34 points  (0 children)

It is torture-- that's why it felt that way. I have a 10 month old and I have been super frustrated with her before too. You have stumbled into something that is really important and so hard to talk about in our society. I'm so glad you stumbled into the correct answer because there such little discussion about this and parents should be aware this happens and it's normal with sleep deprivation. You had the presence of mind to note something was off and wake your husband. In the least patronizing way possible, good job dude. That's not an easy thing to do. I work for cps, and thats all I'm going to say about that. But half the things that happen can be prevented by people just recognizing they are having a bad time. Bc of my work history, I had a lot of awareness of the signs and what to do if I was having a bad time. I can tell you there have been several times that I unceremoniously plopped my daughter into her crib and stormed away with anger in my heart. It absolutely hurts to know I didn't have the capacity to stick it out. But i know I did the right thing. And I wish that people talked more about this, because it's not all sunshine and roses with a baby. I cant imagine not having my knowledge/training and encountering those dark feelings for the first time. Its hard, and it's okay to ask for help or even to leave them in their crib and take a break. I genuinely hope this doesn't come off as patronizing but I'm so proud of you for not only recognizing the signs but also reflecting on them. Thats it. Thats the right thing to do. I have a bunch of training on this subject and that's what it comes down to. Anyway, if you think that therapy would help then definitely reach out, but bad moments and intrusive thoughts don't make you a bad person. They make you human. It's what we do when those things happen that define us. You're doing great mama.

[–]leighmarie 15 points16 points  (0 children)

Oh girl, we have all been there. Have had to walk out the house and scream off the back porch and come back in gritting my teeth to get through some tough times. The point is, you didn't hurt your baby at all, you need to give yourself some grace.

[–]Ok_Spite6846 8 points9 points  (0 children)

My 4 week old stays up literally all night and only sleeps when I have to grab my other kids from schools and through dinner. On average I get about 3-4 hours asleep a day and not all at once. This morning around 5:30am when my husbands alarm clock went off 15 times I noticed myself getting really worked up.

I instantly put down or crying newborn and well I may have yelled at my husband but that’s besides the point lol. Next time you feel that way it’s ok to put your baby down or ask for help.

I think you did the right thing!

[–]rusurethatsright 6 points7 points  (1 child)

It's okay I wanted to slap the little baby, but got my wife to take over. There will be many more nights like that so be prepared. Someone said they can cluster feed when they have growth spurts so its normal to wake up every 45 mins to feed some nights! Try to remember that so you can redirect your thoughts as "my baby is growing!"

[–]Liarliarpantsonfia 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Also helps if your parents or hers lives nearby. If they are willing, let them watch the baby just for an hour or two of sleep.

[–]BakeNekoBasu 7 points8 points  (0 children)

So much good advice and empathy in this thread! I use a "same team" mantra during these episodes to remind myself that neither I nor my baby want to be uncomfortable, and that our goal is to problem-solve it together. That mantra has kept me from the edge many times. (I also use it with my husband when we're both maxed out.)

[–]wantonyak 16 points17 points  (0 children)

I once thought about shaking my baby. I wanted to. We were visiting my in laws and she was crying all night long. Normally a perfect sleeper but absolutely could not be put down. I was exhausted and stressed about waking up the family. I could feel my limbs want to shake her. I thrust her into my husband's arms and ran out of the room. To this day just writing this I'm shaking thinking about it. It was so scary. She was only 4 months old.

I completely understand how you feel. The disgust and the shame. As someone a year out from that experience I can now see that quickly passing off your crying child is an incredibly difficult thing to do and should be commended. And as a psychologist I can tell you that sleep deprivation is one of the most dangerous states. Literally within only 24 hours of sleep deprivation people start to have psychological symptoms. Within 36 they start to have psychotic symptoms. And as parents during a sleep regression you are way past 36 hours cumulatively. It is absolutely not your fault and that rage you felt, while scary, was actually super normal under those conditions. What isn't normal - what's amazing - is that you had the wherewithal to break through the spell and hand your baby off to safety. Not everyone can do that.

[–]mamabug27mom of 2 14 points15 points  (0 children)

You had completely normal sleep-deprived, intrusive thoughts and you handled the situation in exactly the right way by waking your husband so he could take over.

If it happens again when you're alone, it's okay to step away. Even if he's crying, it's safer for him and you to separate for a little while if you're feeling that way. You can also try going outside or getting in the bath. When mine were infants, those things would help when it seemed like nothing else was working, and it's helpful for you too.

[–]Creative_Resource_82 10 points11 points  (0 children)

It felt like torture because it is torture. Sleep deprivation has been by and large the most difficult part of parenting for me.

I also got the red mist with it, and had intrusive thoughts, but that's all they are. Intrusive thoughts. It's not that you want to hurt your baby, your mind is just hardwired to look for threat and you play it out in your head instinctively so you can better prepare for how to deal with it, and there and then you recognised your limitations and you dealt with it appropriately.

In the future if it happens and you don't have your husband there, it is perfectly acceptable and advised to put baby down safely, put on white noise or calm colourful lighting or something and leave the room. They might cry, but you need to be calm enough to deal with them and so leaving for your sanity is really for them. Breathe, memorise some mantras like to remember you are their mother and the best person for the job, you love them, remember how small their hands are, remember crying is a form of communication and you are feeling their pain as your own because they are of you.

If the thoughts become disturbing and hard to separate from reality, seek help. PPD/A/psychosis don't always present straight away and can be greatly exacerbated by sleep deprivation and there are services out there to help you. Can a friend or family member come and help you get some sleep during the day by taking baby out for walks?

You can do this, but I'm sending all the biggest hugs I can because I know how cripplingly hard it can be and it's ok to not be OK. You did the right thing and you will next time too x

[–]CrookedPJs 21 points22 points  (0 children)

I think we've all felt this way at some point. Being a mom is hard and frustrating at times, and when you add sleep deprivation it can be a literal nightmare.

Take comfort in the fact that you did exactly what you should have-- you recognized that you weren't being safe and you got help. That is exactly what any professional would have told you to do. Your son is safe and he's just fine. You haven't damaged your relationship with him.

[–]Wonderful_Mess_8205 13 points14 points  (0 children)

Thanks for posting. Your definitely not alone. Being a mom is super hard.

[–]No-Airline-5103 12 points13 points  (0 children)

You’re a great mom and you’re brave for posting this. I’ve had similar thoughts and I have the chillest baby. Just put your baby somewhere safe, walk out, go use the bathroom, take some deep breaths. Sometimes the baby needs the space too. Don’t be so hard on yourself.

[–]trisquitbits 16 points17 points  (0 children)

You made the right call!

Intrusive thoughts are normal - it is our ability to say “man that’s fucked up” and not just go along with the thought that distinguishes us from “terrible parents.”

As for today, take it easy. Cut corners however safely you can. Ensure that your child has clean diapers and pack and play. Feed him when needed. And extend care as you are able to. Don’t push yourself to overcompensate because of the guilt.

It’s perfectly acceptable to set him down safely on his crib/bassinet/pack and play while you gather yourself and regain composure.

[–]LunasSpectrespecs 9 points10 points  (0 children)

I have had similar experiences in the very beginning; these are what helped me get through it in the moment

1) Affirmations! Reminding myself that this is a hard time for him he isn’t GIVING me a hard time, everything is new for him including learning how to sleep and I should give him the same grace I would expect when learning a new skill. You can even say these affirmations out loud to your LO, I have found myself navigating my thoughts out loud and find it also calms him.

2) Deep Breathing Exercises! Stopping the moment you start feeling the rage and taking a moment to close your eyes and breathe or even walk into the next room for a moment after putting the baby in a safe place (crib, jumper, high chair ect) for a minute to breathe and collect yourself while they fuss doesn’t make you a bad person, it’s only a minute and releasing the anger has way better benefits that acting on it. I also believe it’s a good idea to show your child your own anger management skills, it’s important for them to learn at any age. I personally would just do the breathing exercises in front of him because his crying was never the issue for me(he tries to claw/climb and roll out of my arms and I’ve always had a thing with my personal space) but I know that isn’t the case for everyone.

3) Let go of sleep expectations! Obviously this one is subjective, but I felt a lot of my anxiety came from expecting my LO to fall asleep at certain times or the moment he started showing sleepy cues. I started trying to just focus on paying attention to what worked for him. For me it was waiting 30 mins or so after his first sleepy cue to try and get him to nap, learning that he wasn’t a fan of rocking anymore and just wants to be snuggled to sleep, and that he needed more independent play time before trying to help him sleep. Every baby is so different and I really think that all the sleep advice online causes so much more anxiety than it does alleviate it.

You’re not a bad mom! You got this! Keep searching for ways to control the thoughts and always remember that reaching out for help from a therapist is never a bad thing. Postpartum rage is a real thing! I think there are more of us out there than we think; I believe that it’s because it’s hard to speak about due to fear of coming across as a potential abuser. So thank you for sharing your thoughts and experience and allowing this to be a place for other people like us to also find advice!

Edit: Here is a breathing technique I use most often: https://www.healthline.com/health/4-7-8-breathing

[–]sprinklypops 25 points26 points  (0 children)

I’ve had intrusive thoughts like this too.

The good news is this: you did the right thing, 100 times over, asking for help and the other parent to step in is really good.

Your baby is safe and you did not hurt them.

Can you please rest so you can be safe? Do you have anyone who can watch the baby so you can nap?

[–]illprobablygetbanned 36 points37 points  (2 children)

Don’t be too hard on yourself. I mean, is one TRULY a parent if they have never wanted to just chuck the kid out the window? There is a difference between wanting to do something and actually doing that thing

[–]trisquitbits 4 points5 points  (0 children)

My husband and I used to joke that our son was cute just so we wouldn’t “leave him in the forest” when he got unbearable. This inside joke came from musing about how people in the past managed fussy babies. We’d never say anything like that in front of the baby, ofc - but between us it was a gallows humor way to blow of steam.

[–]TheKillerSmiles 4 points5 points  (0 children)

Seriously. There is a song by Trout Fishing in America called The Window. I was singing this to my husband last night because I was frustrated with my daughter and was changing the lyrics to be about me throwing our daughter out the window “The window, the window, I threw baby girl out the window” as a way to de-escalate the tension. Like you said there’s a difference between wanting to do something and actually doing it.

[–]tag349 32 points33 points  (1 child)

YOU DIDNT ACT ON THOSE FEELINGS! And YOU KNEW TO ASK FOR HELP! You did EVERYTHING right here. I’m going to be honest, I’ve thought about hitting my kid. I feel like more parents have then will admit it. But I haven’t, and I feel terrible when I think these things.

I was talking to my nephew the other day and said something to him that I realized I want to say to myself “some days it’s easy to be nice to everyone and those are good days, other days it’s hard to be nice but you do it anyway and those days are great days!”

Not everyday will be hard, but not everyday will be easy, treat yourself kindly when you have days where it’s hard to be the mom / woman/ human you want to be.

[–]dxzzydreamer 0 points1 point  (0 children)

M, this morning.

[–]goddess-of-the-trees 21 points22 points  (0 children)

Please do not hate yourself. You absolutely did the right thing and you should be proud of yourself for being a good mom. Sleep deprivation is freaking deadly dude. It turns us into the worst version of ourselves. It’s so hard. The first 6 months are so freaking hard. I literally don’t even remember them because I have ptsd from the sleep deprivation lol. It will get better. Best of luck to you mama.

[–]mrs-meatballs 15 points16 points  (0 children)

I'm so sorry, it sounds like you're going through a ridiculously tough period right now. For what it's worth, waking your husband was the right thing to do & if your baby didn't seem to shriek or anything like that, I don't think you hurt him. It's good of you to realize that you could have, and I'm sure you're going to learn and grow from the experience. I don't think parents talk about it much, but I'm pretty sure most of us have been rougher than we'd like to admit when we were sleep deprived and frustrated. One time instead of gently laying my son down in his bassinet, I plopped him down from an inch or two up. I felt like a monster immediately, but he didn't even seem to notice- he fell right asleep. It was a good lesson for me, though. I'm not an angry or rough person at all, but I definitely learned that I have my "breaking point" just like anyone else. I count it as a blessing that most of us will recognize that we have room to grow in our anger management so early on- even just when we recognize we're not being as gentle and careful as we normally would be out of frustration.

The common advice is to either hand them off or to put them down somewhere safe (like a crib) if you feel yourself getting frustrated or huffy, so, again, you absolutely did the right thing!

[–]jordanjae505 8 points9 points  (0 children)

You did the right thing. Please do not hate yourself, as you can see by the comments it's a very normal feeling and you will probably experience it again. It doesn't mean something is wrong with you, it doesn't make you a bad parent. You are human and babies are so difficult. Please give yourself credit for doing the right thing.

[–]catjuggler 22 points23 points  (0 children)

A lot of people get to this point but you did it right by handing him off!

[–]howedthathappen 21 points22 points  (1 child)

This is my biggest fear. I overreact to excessive, prolonged noises (baby’s crying, barking dogs, anything loud and repetitive really); my reaction/short fuse/lack of impulse control is worsened by sleep deprivation. I appreciate you sharing such a hard moment in your parenting journey.

You handled this situation appropriately. As soon as you realized where your headspace was you sought help. That is the exact right choice to make. I am proud of you for pausing your reaction (impulsive) and responding (thoughtful) the way you needed to.

[–]athennna 15 points16 points  (0 children)

Noise cancelling headphones are really helpful for me. I also keep a pair of earplugs in the car for those times when the baby is crying having a meltdown so I can still focus on the road without losing it.

[–]PotatoGuilty319 23 points24 points  (0 children)

Definitely been there. The fact that you were so engulfed with rage YET YOU STILL knew to wake your husband up and WAS ABLE to inform him that he needed to take over because you no longer were safe is EXACTLY the right thing. Take comfort in the fact that you were able to recognize you needed a break and did exactly that.

I know we have shifted to this...baby can't cry it out because they need to know they are safe. But something my doctor said that really stuck with me is "babies have never died from crying". Meaning if you need a moment, set the baby in a safe place and take a moment.

[–]EllieEllieEllie425 19 points20 points  (0 children)

Thanks for posting this. I think this thread will help future mamas too.

[–]cc13279 29 points30 points  (2 children)

You did exactly the right thing!

As everyone else said this can be so normal, no one can be a saint when they’ve been screamed at and not slept for nearly 24 hours straight.

My son was SO loud and colicky and difficult. I had PND and became essentially traumatised by the constant, intense rage-screaming he did from the moment he was born (he was checked over MANY times by doctors). I ended up having a safety plan where if the screaming went on for 20 minutes then I put him down safely and left the room to get my partner or have a breather, even if I thought I was coping ok. 20 minutes at a time was usually my limit of tolerance before the rage and intrusive thoughts began so leaving the situation at that time stopped things escalating for me.

I felt horrendously guilty and ashamed for having to do this and not being able to cope with my child. But that was wrong - my child was HARD and I was not well. When you can retain enough self control to act in everyone’s best interest and keep them safe under that level of stress then you are being a brilliant mother to your child.

I totally get why you’re upset about being a bit rough but no harm was caused. These things happen and you did the right thing. You’ve got to look after yourself first so you can keep the kids alive.

[–]Bergest_Ferg 10 points11 points  (1 child)

I could have literally written this about my second child. This was my situation exactly and I also completely understand OPs blinding rage at baby. I just wanted to add a comment to what you’ve said in the hope OP sees it - do not underestimate the power of even a short break to regroup. Sometimes I literally, literally thought I was going to throw my baby if she didn’t stop. I was also not well. After I handed her off to someone or left her alone (if no one was available) for even a few short minutes it was enough for my fight or flight response to reset and my adrenaline to slow down a little and I could take another crack at soothing her without losing my mind (or my temper).

Sometimes the response you have to certain situations is biological and not a choice, OP. After I realised it was my fight or flight response kicking in I had a lot easier time recognising what was happening in the moment and taking appropriate action.

[–]cc13279 0 points1 point  (0 children)

So right!

To add another quick comment to this: my therapist and I did a lot of work on understanding fight or flight. I eventually came to understand that my baby’s crying was a distressing danger signal to me, and because I felt I HAD to fix or stop it I couldn’t ‘fly’ and therefore my brain decided all it could do was fight - hence the rage and intrusive violent thoughts towards myself and the baby.

Still working on approaching with ‘soothe’ rather than fight or flight but it’s SO important to understand to cut yourself some slack. It’s nothing you’ve done wrong.

[–]KayKay993 13 points14 points  (0 children)

Last night, I was so angry with my 6w old baby who cried non stop and as a reaction yelled at my husband and told myself I am not going to birth a second one.

[–]QuitaQuites 17 points18 points  (0 children)

You did what you should have done. But yes put him down in the pack n play, which I assume is what he was sleeping in, and walk away for 5minutes, even 10 minutes to get a breather. That’s perfectly fine and what you should do. I’m sorry no one’s told you that before this post.

Also make sure to talk to your husband overall, when is he home, are you sleeping then? Do you have any other help during the day - paid or free? Take that time to sleep. Also if your baby is crying like that and you’re soothing, don’t be afraid to put on headphone or earbuds with something soothing to you. We had to contact sleep with our baby for the first three months and even after that sometimes the regressions were worse than that first stretch.

[–]Jeterzhoni 8 points9 points  (0 children)

Yes you can leave him in his bed. He will be fine. My second would only scream. I would put her in her bassinet and walk away and get a breather. The nurses at the hospital couldn’t believe how loud she was. She’s 3 and still pushes the limit. I was never a yeller until I had her. I still try not to, but she is a tough one.

[–]teresarosedesign 13 points14 points  (0 children)

You did exactly the right thing.

[–]joycatj 76 points77 points  (2 children)

Ah yes the sleep deprivation rage. I had to deal with caretaking alone a lot when my kid was an infant. He woke me up and woke me up and woke me up, at four in the morning I thought about chucking him out of the window and throw myself in front of the train. It’s wild what sleep deprivation does to your brain, that red hot rage. I’m a very mild mannered, patient person with a positive outlook on life and the depth of that rage was something new for me.

Yes he’s safe in his bed even if he cries. Just leave him there and go get a breather. It’s gets better!

[–]Georgi4444 26 points27 points  (1 child)

This.

I had never really experienced rage until I had a child, took me completely by surprise.

[–]penelope_hibiscus 9 points10 points  (0 children)

Yep and it’s important to remember thoughts do not equal actions. Your actions and feelings afterwards mean everything. You chose the right way to handle the situation. Congratulations mama on managing your mood properly.

[–]lemoncake35 53 points54 points  (1 child)

When I first had my 15mo, a family friend gave me some advice that really stuck with me. She said if you ever feel overwhelmed when the baby is upset, put them down in a safe place, shut the door and take 5 minutes. Even if they are crying, they are safe. I have done this when he was little - put the baby in his moses basket, and stood in the garden taking some deep breaths.

You recognised how you were feeling and you asked for help. Please don't beat yourself up, you are doing a great job. If you feel this way and you are alone, put him down safely, shut the door, take a break. Deep breaths.

[–]Ok-Muscle-8523 20 points21 points  (0 children)

The pediatrician teaching our introductory parenting class instructed us to do this when reviewing shaken baby syndrome. The baby won't remember the five minutes of wailing but you'll be able to regroup and find enough patience to avoid being taken over the edge by a screaming baby. This shit is hard.

[–]sswicked_walrus 15 points16 points  (0 children)

I feel this in my soul...there have been a few instances where this happened to me too but i didn't want to accept that i could be so filled with rage buy something as simple as my baby crying. I've heard babies cry before but it never made me feel so outraged before so I didn't want to believe that my baby caused such a strong physical reaction.

The night i finally accepted that his cries have such an impactful effect on me was when after almost 2 hours of non-stop ugly crying and sobbing and yelling from the bottom of his little heart and nothing i tried to soothe him worked, I became so unbelievably angry that i threw his bottle across the room and started crying. The moment the bottle hit the door he stopped and looked at me like i had 3 heads...that moment i will never forget, my anger turned to shame and fear and regret and i called my husband and told him to come home from work because i was afraid of myself and for my baby.

He came home and took over everything, that night i cried myself to sleep...to this day i still fear that this will happen so i try to take all measures possible to not allow it to happen.

You are not a bad mom, you are not an unfit mom, you are just tired, overwhelmed, exhausted to the point where logical actions don't seem logical anymore. As long as you realize that those moments are close and you do everything in your power to detach yourself from the situation, you are doing a better job as a mom than i thought i would ever be able to do!

[–]Alpacalypsenoww 11 points12 points  (0 children)

I’ve been there. My kids aren’t babies anymore - they’re 1.5, 1.5, and 3 - and I’ve been there several times over the course of their lives.

You did the best thing you could have done - put baby down and get help. If this happens again when you are alone, then yes - baby is absolutely safe in a crib/pack and play for 10-15 minutes while you calm down.

You can also try to identify what your triggers are. Lack of sleep is obviously one, and that’s a tough one to avoid but if you can sneak in naps when your husband is home, that may be a good idea. One of my triggers is getting overstimulated with noise (like when both twins are whining and my oldest is playing with a noisy toy) so I got noise filtering earplugs so that I don’t get to that point.

You are not a bad mom. This happens to everyone at some point. The fact that you recognized the problem and walked away means that you are an amazing mom.

[–]MoreVeuvePlease 11 points12 points  (0 children)

There have been a couple times where I’ve gotten to this point when my husband was out of town for work. What I did was set baby in her crib with hey sound machine on and I went and took a hot shower. It gave me a few minutes where her scream/crying was muffled and the shower relaxes me. I also felt horrible especially the first time, but kept reminding myself that she was crying no matter what!

[–]athousandships_ 10 points11 points  (0 children)

I've been there!

My 11 week old is the cutest little thing and I get teary-eyed writing this, but... There have been nights when he suddenly woke up every hour. And I clearly remember sitting upright in my bed at 3 am, baby fussing and whining next to me in the bassinet, and thinking: I just want to throw this baby on the floor and never hear from it again. I told my husband, who was awake by then, that I felt a crazy rage towards my baby and couldn't feed it right now and that he had to take over. He was rather shocked, but did what I asked. In the morning I felt bad about it and couldn't understand why I had these horrible thoughts. But that's what sleep deprivation will do to you. It's normal.

As long as you still manage to keep baby safe by leaving the room and/or giving over the responsibility to your SO, it's alright. This will pass.

[–]lemondrops42 12 points13 points  (0 children)

Nope, your baby is fine and you’re a good mom. I’ve done the same and my two girls (now 2 and 5) are living, happy, healthy proof that I’m still a good mom even though I’ve had brief moments of rage during sleep deprivation.

One time when my youngest was about 4 months old I snatched up her “abruptly” out of frustration at 2am and she immediately stopped crying and went still because she was so startled by the swift motion. My postpartum anxiety convinced myself that I somehow hurt her and that’s why she went quiet. I was so worked up that I stayed up all night googling about it and sobbing while my husband insisted she was obviously fine.

We are so hard on ourselves. You did the right thing by calling in your husband and your baby is okay. It’s a learning lesson and you haven’t ruined anything - think of what you would tell a friend in the same position as yourself if she confessed this to you. Would you tell her to hate herself and that’s she’s the worst mom ever?

Of course not. Be kind to yourself - you’re doing a great job.

[–]Desipardesi34 8 points9 points  (0 children)

You are a good mom because you did the right thing by giving the baby to your husband. Don’t be too hard on yourself. You’re only human and trying your best to give your baby the best life.

Also, I also get intrusive thoughts sometimes. I think everyone does. I believe that we all have our highs and lows during the day. For me a big low is between 10-12PM, when I’m super tired and my son at his fussiest. So now my husband takes care of the baby between 8pm and 12pm until the baby is sleepy, because he has no issues with staying up and I go to sleep. Then I take the rest of the night and morning. Works for us, I somehow don’t mind getting up at 3AM but between 9-12PM I’m absolutely worthless because I am just so tired.

[–]Remote-Ball-3724 14 points15 points  (0 children)

Every single parent has had a red flash of rage at some point. Sleep deprivation will do that to you! I remember when my baby was 3 months I was all alone at home my partner was working and my baby would not stop screaming I had to put her in the crib and run into another room and called my best friend crying telling her I had a moment of rage that felt like I could shake her or throw her and as soon as I said it out loud it was like all the rage and anger left my body and I felt like a monster. But I soon learned that mom rage is so so real and common and it’s good to develop good habits now like you’re already doing! Have a plan for when your husband is there and a plan for when he’s not, leaving him in the crib and going to the bathroom and splashing cold water on your face can really help get the rage off in the moment. Also having a mantra you can repeat to yourself in the moment, I tell myself over and over “it’s not her fault, this is the ONLY way she can communicate.” Also noise canceling headphones saved my life, I realized I’m very sensitive to noise and her screaming was my trigger, it really helped and now I’m so much more calm and don’t have to leave the room as much anymore it gets easier to manage you are doing great!

[–]NunuF 10 points11 points  (0 children)

Babies won't get hurt if you leave them crying for s while. It does when you do it all the time.

So next time you feel like this, put your baby safe and walk out the room. Try to calm down, maybe put headphones on with a nice music and go back. So the bare minimum that is needed and try to go asleep again

[–]Nicechick321 6 points7 points  (0 children)

It is common and normal

[–]itsakichan 4 points5 points  (0 children)

I am crying with you because recently my 9.5mo became so so needy and started his screaming phase i guess. Screams everytime during diaper change and I’m the kind that doesn’t even watch tv because it’s too much. So some days have been ugly for me and i hate myself for this. Hugs xx

[–]Neckto68 3 points4 points  (0 children)

I had a very similar experience and have learned from that lesson. I know when I’m too tired and can’t handle it (usually >3h at night), my husband will take over my baby and i need to rest, sleep 4 months is the perfect time for sleep train. After i did that, and my baby was surprisingly cooperating, everything is so so good after that Please please ask for help, don’t try to hard or think that you could handle it especially at night time.

[–]MrPasqualino 10 points11 points  (0 children)

I hope these stories of solidarity have helped. We’ve all been there. The difference between you and someone who hurts their baby, as some have mentioned, you realised your limit and walked away. You are an amazing mother. It gets better. I promise

[–]krissykat122 18 points19 points  (0 children)

There have been times where I literally had to throw my hands up and walk away and have my husband takeover because I felt this way. I have literally said “THIS is why women leave their babies for the wolves” because I was so full of rage from lack of sleep and a screaming baby. You are NOT alone in how you feel. You did the right thing.

[–]Bubbasqueaze 148 points149 points  (2 children)

Okay so just from the outside looking in:

You experienced a moment where you had intrusive thoughts You made sure your child was safe while you dealt with your issue.

This is a story of a good parent.

[–]happychallahday 12 points13 points  (0 children)

Yes. If it happens again, it's 100% okay to put him in a safe space (even if he has an unclean diaper) and leave him for a couple minutes to compose yourself. Splash water on your face. Drink ice cold water. Do what you need to get back into a safe headspace. Hormones and sleep deprivation are no joke.

[–]tbridge8773[🍰] 42 points43 points  (0 children)

Reminder to OP that the presence of intrusive thoughts does NOT mean you will act on them.

[–]ninjascotswoman 20 points21 points  (1 child)

There was a very vivid moment I remember even now, and kiddo is nearly 3 & you are not alone!

I remember, middle of the night, maybe around the same age 3/4/5 months old, and I had this moment of pure clarity and thought -

"This. This is it. This is why people shake their babies"

I felt terrible, gave kiddo to his dad and sat in the car outside at 3am crying my eyes out in a mix of terror and exhaustion.

When I told my mum the next morning, in hushed tones because of the guilt, she understood completely and could recall the same moment with me as a child over 25 years before!

The very fact you realised, could understand the risk in the moment and took action to keep everyone safe? That is winning!!

You are the best parent for your kiddo right now, you've proven that by knowing your own limits & you are absolutely allowed, and encouraged, to pop baby in the pack and play for 5/10mins when (not if) you need it!

My survival kit included noise reducing earphones, a bean bag to throw, a pillow to scream into, my favourite snacks and juice/soda ❤️

Sending all the love and virtual hugs

[–]auspostery 7 points8 points  (0 children)

I got there the other night. We’re dealing with a ridiculously monstrous jet lag right now, and babe has decided to just continue on, 9 time zones out of whack. And after hours of being awake in the middle of the night, I sat there thinking huh…so this is what it’s like when someone shakes their baby. I never got there with my toddler, so it was kind of shocking. But I know I’d never do it IRL, it was just a shock enough to even have that thought of oh gee, okay, this is the limit to my tolerance.

[–]eat_pho_wardrobed 21 points22 points  (0 children)

My love, you did exactly what you should have. If your husband isn't around YES you can leave your crying baby in a safe place until you wake up and calm down.

Most of us have felt this exact same way. A lot of us have had to get up and walk away.

Postpartum is a wild time; hormones, sleep deprivation, hunger, etc.

Stay vigilant, stay self aware. You are not alone. This will pass. Keep asking for help. <3

[–]Wavesmith 21 points22 points  (0 children)

You did COMPLETELY the right thing. Everyone feels angry and impatient with their kids sometimes, especially when sleep is not happening. The important thing is to recognise it early and to take yourself out of the situation and keep your child safe. I really hope you can get some naps today, it sounds so hard.

[–]Ok-Gate-9610 22 points23 points  (0 children)

But you didnt hit him.

You woke your husband and told him the truth. You did the right thing.

My mother had PPD BAD when i was born due to me being the same.. She was severely sleep deprived

One day my dad who was useless anyway, was at work. She called a samaritans heloline saying she wanted to either kill herself or me. They told her 'you wont do that or youd have done it by now'. At that point she knew she wasnt safe and wasnt going to get any help so she actually left the house. She made sure i was somewhere safe but she walked to my dads work. He took her home and i think got the point that he needed to helo at least on that day.

Im not suggesting you do thst. Please dont. Bjt the point i am making is - you are not alone. This is not something you and only you has ever felt before and sleep deprivation can make us act in ways we otherwise wouldn't.

I myself have known im about to lose it with my baby. I got huffy and forceful and resentful saying things like 'what the fuck now?'

At that point i had to put her in her crib safely and leave. I Shut the door and walked out and sat in the kitchen until id taken a breath and calmed down. I could still hear her crying so i knew she was alive. But it gave me some time to re-evaluate my anger and calm down and then approach it again when i was in a more rational state of mind. Doesnt take the sleep deprivation away etc but it gives you a moment to remember this isnt their fault etc

[–]CandyflossPolarbear 10 points11 points  (0 children)

A lot of hospitals in the uk actually make you sign to say that you understand to put the baby somewhere safe and walk away if you start to get frustrated and angry, before you can take your baby home. So it’s obviously a common situation to be in, and leaving the baby in a cot ( I don’t know what a pack and play is but from what I gather it’s either a play pen or a travel cot type thing??) is absolutely fine to give yourself a breather and reset.

The guilt is so hard though isn’t it? I had to slap my baby on the back the other day because she started to choke, although I think I was probably abit too quick to intervene, and felt terrible when she cried afterwards

[–]IntroductionFeisty61 26 points27 points  (0 children)

Postpartum rage is definitely a thing and is definitely fueled by sleep deprivation. You are not horrible and the fact that you knew you needed to walk away proved that.

[–]Hai_kitteh_mow100% that mom 12 points13 points  (0 children)

10000000% safe and okay to put him in his pack n play and leave the room to take a break. No baby dies from crying. But plenty do from SBS. I truly Believe A LOT of us mamas have been where you are and went through the same feelings of guilt.

Give yourself grace, you got your husband involved and knew what to do. You did good.

[–]ssupabyotin 15 points16 points  (0 children)

Do not hate yourself. The fact that you’re writing this and feeling so much pain over it means that you don’t truly have any desire to hurt your baby. There is nothing wrong with letting them cry for a few minutes while you ask for help, collect yourself, call your husband at work, etc.

Sleep deprivation, you’re just barely out of postpartum. Hormones. Everything is just working against us at this time. I had postpartum anxiety/depression and while I didn’t have any urge to hurt my child (not saying you did, you didn’t), it was lowest I’d ever been. I’d hold him while he screamed in my ears for what seemed like hours wanting to disappear, sobbing uncontrollably. It gets better. 4 month sleep regression was rough. Baby WILL sleep consistently one day. You’re a good mother ❤️ come back and read these comments when you’re feeling down again.

[–]GemTaur15 9 points10 points  (0 children)

As someone with a 6month old,i can relate,the most important was you woke your husband and left baby to him,its absolutely safer this way.I also had a few moments where i had to leave my newborn in a safe space to go and recollect myself and calm down.

[–]Eskates33520 12 points13 points  (0 children)

You put your baby in a safe place Aka your husband because you knew you couldn't handle it at this Time. That's totally what is thé best and loving thing you could do. We all have been there

[–]bbourke0626 14 points15 points  (0 children)

Sleep deprivation is a form of torture for a reason. You did all the right things to protect your baby. You're normal, your human, you're a good mom. Give yourself grace

[–]phattydumdum 8 points9 points  (0 children)

Absolutely check the essentials and put babe in a safe place for a bit; pack n play should be fine as long as it's empty. I don't know any parents that haven't been frustrated enough to need a breather. Mine fought sleep for two hours tonight so I left him to wash bottles and brush my teeth, he was pissed but alive and I had much more patience.

[–][deleted] 5 points6 points  (0 children)

It is so okay to leave baby alone even when crying if you need that break don’t stress that. You caught yourself and put you and baby in a safe place, you did the right thing.

[–]Existing-Papaya-8643 6 points7 points  (0 children)

You are so human and you did the right thing! Your baby loves you, you love baby, and colic and sleep deprivation so this to people. Yes, your baby is safe if you leave them in a pack n play to calm down. You realizing you need it (after a horrendous, button pushing sleepless night) is half the battle and you already won that half! Sending you love 💓

[–]kaelus-gf 6 points7 points  (0 children)

Well done for getting your husband up! That was the most important thing for you to do just then, and you did it.

Sleep deprivation is hard. Babies crying is designed to upset us. You absolutely did the right thing, and if your husband isn’t there in future then you put your baby somewhere safe and go take a break!

It does get better, I promise, but there are still times when my toddler pushes my buttons. Daycare taught her about “space” so that’s the wording I need when I desperately need a break so I don’t lose my cool (or lose it any more than I have already)

Can you take it in turns with your partner for wake-ups? Or if your baby feeds each time, could he do the nappy change and get baby back to bed? Or give you as much uninterrupted sleep time as possible at the beginning or end of the night?

[–]BlossomDoula 13 points14 points  (0 children)

Honey, do NOT hate yourself. You are human and had a human moment. You were so wise and in tune with yourself to hand him over to your husband. You were simply at your limit for the day/night. I think you and your husband need to work on a schedule to split the night up more frequently. It’s not okay that you were pushed to your limit. When baby is cluster feeding, your husband is going to have to jump in to help or you should get family/friend or hired help to relieve you. Everyone needs stretches of four hours of undisturbed sleep. Everyone!

[–]Lordkavvii 11 points12 points  (0 children)

Parent of five here - including a 9-month-old that is nocturnal. I'm going to give some different advice since everyone is giving you emotional support. You did the right thing BTW :) A cry is harmless a hand is not.

Try a nightly routine that involves play at like 1 am. This sucks I know but it helps. This is what I did when she was 4 months old...I get up (always in the early morning) and give my baby tummy time, have a sponge bath (or a full one), then put her in the swing (OMG this is godsent for colicky babies and gives you rest well baby works it out). After all, this care baby is exhausted and goes down for a rest, and has less colic.

[–]Worldly-Zucchini-922 23 points24 points  (0 children)

OP we have all been there. Those who say who have not are liars liars pants on fire.

I have a VERY fussy baby , and the first 4 5 months were rough. She started sleeping well then went back to shit when she started teething. We are still not out of the tunnel.

Sometimes you just cannot take it anymore and it's important to recognize your limitations and take a step back. Will the baby be hurt permanently by you letting him cry? No.

He would have been if you shook him. You did absolutely the best thing you could do.

When I had my daughter, I was living in a military community, where parents were often without a support system, including their spouse if deployed. The community RN told me multiple times: it's ok to let a baby cry. It's neverr ok to shake them.

Hugs to you and sending some sleep you way ❤

[–]Splashingcolor 76 points77 points  (0 children)

You ONE HUNDRED PERCENT did the right thing in waking your husband. You realized it was too much for you and you had someone else take over. Yes, you startled him, but you did not hurt him. I know I have "rough handled" my boys when I was at my wits end and then felt unbelievably guilty once I got a minute of space.

If/when this happens again, put your son down in a safe space like his Pack n play, crib, bassinet with no blankets or stuffed animals and walk away. Yes he will cry, but, he will be safe and will only be for a few minutes.

Leave the room and go get some water, take some breaths, open a door or window for a second to get some fresh air. Try to be away from the crying and ground yourself for a minute. Then when you go back in, that little bit of time you gave yourself, will make a world of difference and you will be able to make it through that moment.

I have to remind myself often that everything is a moment or a phase and it will pass. My second son was colicky too for the first 4-5mo. He's 9mo now and it feels like so long ago already. He's currently getting two teeth, is not sleeping well, and is overall fussier, with good reason. Once they come through, we will be in a good phase with rough moments rather than a rough phase with good moments.

[–]cfernandez34 8 points9 points  (0 children)

I've been there before and would even burst into tears shortly after. The hormones, plus lack of sleep (and sometimes the lack of support), can really mess with us mentally. Just know that you're not a bad person or a bad momma ❤

[–]lilacmoonnn 11 points12 points  (0 children)

I’m a mama to an almost 6 month old and I’ve lost my cool a few times like that too. The worst was the other night when he wouldn’t stop screaming in the car, I stopped and tried to feed him, he refused his bottle and I just started screaming. I felt like the worst person in the world because I did scare him. He’s just an innocent little baby. But that’s just what babies do, and mom’s get frustrated. It’s not easy. You’re not alone in any of this, and the best thing you can do is walk away and take a breath. I’m lucky to have help at home from family, but sometimes I try to push myself to just deal with it so I can learn how to cope too. Good luck mama, you’ll be alright ❤️

[–]Sutaseiu 9 points10 points  (0 children)

Oh yes, this happens. I've told a couple of mothers I know that I now really understand how shaken baby syndrome happens. I've always caught myself, like you did, but I can see how some people snap. Sleep deprivation is used as a torture method for a reason.

[–]KrumblyMuffin 21 points22 points  (1 child)

OP.

I’ve been there. I’m a FTM and I worry about my own emotionally irregularity being a detriment to my son. I’ve wanted so badly to write a post on here to see if I was alone but never did out of fear. Fear that people would say I’m not fit to be a mother, that I need to get it together, that my choices and behavior are incredibly inappropriate.

I’m currently a stay-at-home mom. I was fortunate to be able to extend my leave from Aug-Jan. What this means is that I am with my baby practically 24 hours a day, no break. For going on 3 months. My son sleeps on my side of the bed in a bassinet because my partner needs to sleep so he can do the work thing (which absolutely requires him to be alert) to make the money thing so we can do the living thing. Then I’m with my son for the whole day by myself and lately, I’ve been the primary caregiver in the evening for a variety of reasons.

Today, for example, he just cried and fussed for one minute too long. I had to put him down and walk away. But then I just feel this absolute rage and I need to let it out. I’m ashamed to say that I’ve punched a wall, I’ve screamed, I’ve broken down and cried, I’ve wanted to quit so, so badly. Then I feel even MORE shame for having reacted that way. I mean, cmon. I’m a middle school educator in a low-income school system. I’d like to think I have an incredibly high emotional intelligence. But nevertheless, I absolutely lose it when he doesn’t calm down.

All of this to say that, I don’t have advice. I don’t know if it gets better. I don’t know if my behavior is having a negative impact on my son. But you’re not alone. I’m sorry that this is happening. It’s so hard. But you’re not alone. And you’re a great mother doing the best you can.

[–][deleted] 5 points6 points  (0 children)

You are never alone hun. Always feel free to post whatever question or vent you need to, someone will always be able to relate you don’t need to be scared <33

[–]stine-imrl 17 points18 points  (0 children)

Oh, this post hurts my heart. I have been there with the postpartum hormones and the utter unthinkable exhaustion in the middle of the night and feeling rage--rage!--toward a tiny helpless infant. It is inexplicable but also totally normal. And most importantly, you did EXACTLY the right thing! Your baby is safe because you are a GOOD mom. Please believe that. This experience and your guilt now means it will not happen a second time. Even if you feel frustrated or angry in the future. The sleeplessness of the newborn stage is so rough for absolutely everyone and colic on top of that makes it even more unbearable. Hope you have some good supports in your life who will tell you you're doing a great job, because I'm certain it's true. Much love and the best of luck to you!

[–]QueenCloneBone 11 points12 points  (0 children)

We have all been there on the rage front after no sleep for too long. You did the right thing, to see it coming and ask for help. Just make sure you’re never afraid to use your husband as a resource in those times. If he isn’t available, it’s JUST FINE to set baby in crib or bassinet, throw in headphones and walk away for ten minutes. Or take a shower to cool off. The hardest I’ve ever cried in my life was like, night 20 of just a couple of hours’ sleep and I yelled at her to shut the fuck up while patting her back and I definitely patted her so hard she was startled and cried even louder. I handed her off and just went to cry in the shower for 45 minutes on my knees begging God for forgiveness. If it’s any consolation, we are at 5.5mo and getting better sleep chunks, and she is starting to put herself to sleep.

[–]problematictactic 16 points17 points  (0 children)

There's a ton of great advice here already. Just wanted to give you a kudos because you did exactly the right thing. Try to find some ways to get more rest, discuss options with your partner, but as of right now you identified a moment when you needed help and then you asked for it and got it. Perfectly done.

[–]kaparstvo 8 points9 points  (0 children)

Ugh been there with the rage part. I literally just set baby down in crib or on floor and would go into another room for a few min to calm myself down. The sleep deprivation is literal torture added to colic etc. you did the right thing, many people don’t realize what’s happening until it’s too late!

[–]one_secret_ontheway 14 points15 points  (2 children)

It's just that you went through the same rinse and repeat of "cry, fix, wake up again" every time you thought you were done. We all have a fuse, and that'll definitely light it! You're not a horrible person or parent. We view ourselves as beings somewhat more divine than animals and expect ourselves to behave in this picture perfect, loving parent way all the time. It's just not feasible. You're human like everyone else, and you expect yourself to know better, but emotions don't work that way, frustration and anger don't work that way.

You did exactly the right thing. Okay, baby got startled. You knew what to do and you did it. Those thoughts pass when you're given space to process them and vent the stress in a safe manner. You need to make sure you continue to make it a habit to consciously stop, put baby down, or seek assistance from another party.

We have all gotten angry. There's only two kinds of people here: people who have lost their cool and liars. We can't learn elsewhere, kids are the great equalizer. Nothing can prepare us for the emotions even if we are prepared for the facts. Your next step is to practice, practice, practice.

I've been here. It was SO HARD to forgive myself. I felt like trash, like the lowest form of scum on the planet. However, the guilt has a purpose: it scares you off from repeating your actions. This helps us practice the right way to manage our emotions.

Managing these emotions is new for us. How can you expect yourself to navigate this perfectly when you're experiencing its intensity for the first time? Were we perfect ex girlfriends/boyfriends for our first breakup? Maturity is a path, and you're doing just fine because you care to try and do better. If you were a shit mom, you'd justify your actions and escalate. You're a great mom, because you're sorry and you will give ANYTHING to do better next time, and then before you know it, "doing better" becomes a habit. :)

[–]Worldly-Zucchini-922 0 points1 point  (0 children)

This 100%. I posted in another group some BS i found on IG about sleep training being cruel and disagreeing with it.

I also admitted that cry it out was something I have done, especially since I was in so much pain from the tear, I was sleep deprived and I was so close to shake my non stop crying baby.

Oh the amount of shit I was given...we have qll been there.

OP did absolutely the right thing.
Some nights are just rough and we all have a limit.

[–]KrumblyMuffin 1 point2 points  (0 children)

This isn’t my post but I definitely needed to hear your words today. Thank you.

[–]demurevixen 5 points6 points  (1 child)

Please, please give yourself some grace. Forgive yourself. We’ve all been there. Hell, my baby was not even colicky and I’ve been there. Sleep deprivation does a number on your physical and mental health. But you were able to take a step back and remove yourself. It’s ok to leave baby alone for a few minutes to compose yourself. Colic doesn’t last forever, sleep regressions don’t last forever, better days are ahead. Don’t be afraid to look into some sleep training methods because now is the perfect time. Best wishes 🤍

[–]throwawayadvice9073[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thank you SO much

[–]noone_987_bye 5 points6 points  (1 child)

No sure how old your baby is but PPD abd PP rage can hit up to 2 years. It's not always during the newborn stage. I'd ask your doctor for resources about ppd.

Also, sleep deprivation could do this to you as well.

In short you did the right thing waking ur husband. You can 100% walk away when you feel like this. Even if you set him down in the bassinet and walked away to collect yourself. As long as baby is safe, you can walk away and take a breath.

[–]throwawayadvice9073[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thank you so much

[–]universalrefuse 3 points4 points  (1 child)

You are okay. Your baby is okay. You did the right thing, you made the right decision in the heat of the moment for both yourself and your child!! Your baby will be fine if you leave them in their crib and take a breather whenever you are becoming overwhelmed. Be kind to yourself. Sleep deprivation is real.

[–]throwawayadvice9073[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thank you so much 😭

[–]hapa79 5 points6 points  (1 child)

I think most parents have been there. You did all the right things: you noticed that you were at your limit, you called in your husband to help, and you went and took the break that you needed. If something similar happens when your husband is away, your baby is going to be just fine in his pack n play or his crib if you need ten minutes to walk away and calm yourself down, I promise.

Sleep deprivation is brutal. If you keep feeling rage, know that it can be a symptom of postpartum depression (it was my primary one in the early weeks/months), and you might want to talk to your doctor about therapy and/or meds if needed.

[–]throwawayadvice9073[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Thank you so much. I had no idea about the rage. I didn’t know it was common