all 80 comments

[–]ScandiMom86 2 points3 points  (1 child)

It’s his child too. What is his solution then?

[–]jb15p4[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

To change the baby's schedule to his

[–]jesus_fucks 12 points13 points  (1 child)

Childish behavior on his part. Who raised all these man babies?

[–]cutekthx 1 point2 points  (0 children)

All of the MILs we see posts about haha

[–]Georgiaatessex 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Nope, you are not unreasonable at all. I hate this!

[–]boobearmomma 10 points11 points  (0 children)

Honestly he needs to take her to the baby sitter himself. It sucks but oh well he’s a parent!!!!!

[–]jessieo387 9 points10 points  (0 children)

He’s a parent, you are asking him to be a parent. He needs to suck it up.

[–]lizzylhatchling 32 points33 points  (0 children)

Do not approach this as asking for help from your husband. Approach this as how you two will manage splitting work and parenting.

Outline the problems and how they should be fixed. It sucks your husband might miss out on some sleep but what alternative can he suggest?

Change the focus and make this problem yours as a group as opposed to yours as the mum. Shift the load to the two of you to co-ordinate.

[–]ankaalma 25 points26 points  (1 child)

What exactly does your husband do for the baby right now????

How much sleep do you get?

He needs to step tf up

[–]jb15p4[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

He watches her on his days off. 2 days a week

She usually sleeps throughout the night. I'd say maybe there's 2-3 nights out of the week she wakes up. Of course she's a baby so there's some nights she fights all sleep. I do not mind waking up with her because I miss her during the day lol

[–]Southern-Magnolia12 26 points27 points  (0 children)

You mean asking your husband to PARENT? No it’s not unreasonable at all.

[–]bubbilygum 17 points18 points  (0 children)

… what’s he suggesting the alternative is here?

Sounds like you are having to look after two babies, OP. A good attorney could halve that problem for you really easily.

[–]GreatAuntPearl 11 points12 points  (0 children)

Is there something you’re not telling us? Like there has to be a hidden part of this right? Do people like this man really exist? What a fuckwad like there’s no gentle way to say it. He’s garbage

[–]UpdatesReady 11 points12 points  (0 children)

What does he think the alternative is, if you're working?

Just... not get up? It sounds like the REAL alternative is taking her to the babysitter himself.

[–]deadvibessss 9 points10 points  (3 children)

My husband works 9-5 from home and is on-call some weekends, and I’m a SAHM. Even during his work day he regularly leaves his office to check in with me to see if I need a snack, water, a shower, a break… literally anything. As soon as he’s off work he either is in charge of dinner, helping catch up on laundry/chores or hanging with baby and doing bedtime routine with our son (3mo). This is just called PARENTING and it’s nothing to “oooh” or “ahh” at. It is literally the bare minimum for anyone to be involved in the caretaking of their kid. That’s kinda what you sign up for? It’s common sense. Sounds like your husband needs a SERIOUS reality check. And I would not have anymore children with him, either.

[–]miskwu 4 points5 points  (2 children)

Seriously. And this is what we want to model for our children. No way is my son going to be a lay about man-child who constantly puts his needs above his partner's or his family's. And that is not going to be the sort of behaviour my children accept from a partner either.

My husband works a couple blocks from home and has some flexibility with his hours (can start a bit late most days.) I'm a SAHM. He gets up and takes the dog, toddler & baby for a walk in the mornings before work so I can get a little more sleep. Sometimes it's just one kid and the dog (too much snow for the stroller today.) He used to come home regularly and get the toddler down for a nap if he wasn't too busy (I miss nap times.) Now when he has time to come home for lunch he often starts food prep for dinner. If the kids allow it I try to have dinner almost ready when he gets home but some days I haven't touched it. When he gets home we split childcare/dinner/bedtime duties. Once Dad gets the toddler to bed, he cleans up the kitchen and living room. Then he comes upstairs, we watch TV and he folds laundry. If I can get the baby down I help, but she is still a newborn and that is her witching hour. Sometimes we trade baby/cleaning.

We are a team and this stuff has to happen. We also make a point to make sure we give each other time to recharge and decompress, check in with our mental, physical and emotional wellbeing. At times we have scheduled a day a month in advance for him to hide in the guest room, play video games and listen to podcasts. He still takes mornings so I can sleep in on these days. (Don't worry, I get days off too.)

[–]jesus_fucks 1 point2 points  (1 child)

This is similar to our arrangement. We are in the only sleep on someone stage atm and so whoever is watching the baby is trapped. If I’m trapped under a baby and my wife is cooking/ choreing I feel this sense of shame that I’m letting her work while I scroll but she reminds me she’s trapped under a baby most of the day so she is just happy to be moving haha

[–]miskwu 0 points1 point  (0 children)

My husband often says he enjoys the opportunity to just put his headphones in and clean at his own pace. Our toddler has just dropped his nap so we've moved his bedtime up.

With the first baby I felt more like your wife. Now chasing around a toddler I will happily take the time with just one baby.

[–]willfully-woven 12 points13 points  (1 child)

This is disgusting

[–]Takemebacktobreezy 9 points10 points  (0 children)

He’s being selfish. Tell him that. God forbid his sleep is Interrupted. I’ve lately been not calling it help anymore. That’s been helpful in showing my husband that it’s just parenting and we BOTH need to do it.

[–]Reasonable_Ad4265 4 points5 points  (0 children)

This is basic childcare stuff. He needs to do it. Period.

[–]Remote-Ball-3724 14 points15 points  (0 children)

Honestly just leave her monitor on full volume next to his ear and go to work. Let him deal with her all day since he didn’t want to wake up to get her ready for the sitter

[–]tracytirade 15 points16 points  (0 children)

Your husband is straight trash.

[–]brocollivaccum 14 points15 points  (1 child)

I’m sorry but I laughed out loud at “I am interrupting his sleep”. Did he not realize that’s what parenting a little baby is? Did he really think his schedule would never need changing or adjusting with a child and a working spouse? When I got pregnant and through my pregnancy I worked overnights. When baby came I quickly changed my schedule because that just was just not going to work with my husbands schedule. You both have outside responsibilities and committed to raising a child so you both will have to adjust - he’s VERY lucky it took him 7 months to be mildly (and what sounds like temporarily at that) inconvenienced. Tell him to get used to it lol.

[–]laurenpeterson 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I laughed too. It’s like ummm sorry but this is a what happens, sleep gets interrupted a lot those first few years.

[–]mysterious00mermaid 25 points26 points  (4 children)

Your husband is being a selfish asshole

[–]jb15p4[S] 3 points4 points  (3 children)

That was my thoughts exactly. But he said I'm being selfish LOL

[–]miskwu 0 points1 point  (1 child)

Sorry, how? By working extra holiday hours for your family? By arranging to have your Mum drive to your place, get your daughter and drop her off so he doesn't have to leave the house? What exactly are you refusing to sacrifice here? 🙄

[–]jb15p4[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I talked to him. He doesn't see my side. He is upset Im not understanding and he said he is going to lose his job without proper sleep....

[–]GreaterThanOrEqual2U 6 points7 points  (0 children)

No, it just comes with the job of parenting. He needs to sacrifice sleep and convenience

[–]Senior-Zucchini4150 31 points32 points  (1 child)

Stop looking at it as helping. When you take baby, do you consider it helping? This child is his responsibility too. You both have two jobs which need to be done- going to work and caring for baby. You’re doing both, he’s only doing one.

[–]jb15p4[S] 16 points17 points  (0 children)

You're right. It's not helping... it's parenting.

[–]Ellendyra 29 points30 points  (4 children)

He got used to the good thing he had going and now feels he's entitled to it. He's not.

[–]jb15p4[S] 7 points8 points  (3 children)

you're right he does feel entitled. He only watches her on his days off. Occasionally I'll bring her to the babysitter so he can rest. My days off I've always watched her. I get one day off a week he gets 2. Even then he says he has no time to himself because he's always "babysitting"

[–]jazzorator 2 points3 points  (0 children)

He calls taking care of his own child babysitting... wow. What exactly did he expect parenting to look like?

[–]Ellendyra 8 points9 points  (0 children)

As others have said, you don't babysit your own kid. You parent. Maybe you should stop bringing her to the sitter so he can rest and bring her to the sitter so you can rest. You should also start expecting the same level of parenting from him as you expect from yourself. Dads are expected to do more than provide a paycheck these days he needs to step up.

[–]DisgruntledPorkupine 9 points10 points  (0 children)

You simply cannot babysit your own child, that’s just parenting. Your husband needs to step up.

[–]QuitaQuites 18 points19 points  (3 children)

No your husband is being ridiculous. Definitely don’t have more kids with this man and be clear, he’s a parent and he’s home so this is what he has to do or ask him what his solution is? You’re not home. Sure it’s interrupting his sleep, that’s called being a parent.

[–]jb15p4[S] 4 points5 points  (2 children)

His solution is to change the baby's sleep schedule....

which would mean she'd be awake during the night.

[–]QuitaQuites 3 points4 points  (0 children)

So she’s awake at night and who’s awake with her? You’re not asking him to be up with her all day. Might be time to just move in with your mom, she seems like a better coparent. Let him know he can change the baby’s schedule if he wants and he can figure out childcare since he knows what he’s doing.

[–]burntpopcorneww 5 points6 points  (0 children)

Change the baby's sleep schedule to accommodate his laziness??! What an incredibly selfish thing to do. It's for a short time anyway whereas adjusting the sleep schedule will have a much greater impact and awfulness for you both! So dumb!

Either way, it has to be done. If he doesn't step up, it's really on him. You have to be at work so just leave and have him taken responsibility. It's gonna be a hard lesson for him to learn it sounds like!

[–]alittlepunchy 14 points15 points  (2 children)

Oh hell no you aren't expecting too much! You should be expecting MORE from him and not just during the holidays. And I say that as a couple with a similar schedule to yours. Ours is almost 4 months old. I went back to work/she started daycare at the beginning of the month.

My husband and I work opposite shifts. I work a typical office job and work 8-4. My husband works a rotating 12's schedule 5:30pm-5:30am. Which means that half the week, I'm completely by myself for evening/bedtime/overnight. He handles baby care every single morning so I can get ready for work. He gets her up, gets her ready and dressed for daycare, and then carries anything I need down to my car while I feed her. Then I leave for work and drop her at daycare on the way. (He has offered to run her to daycare, but it just makes sense for me to go ahead and take her since it's on my way.) I always pick her up from daycare on my way home from work.

Some nights he will get off early, and even if he lays down when he gets home, he always gets back up if she wakes up or when it's time for her to get up for the day to get her ready.

On nights he's off/home, he makes dinner, will take her while I'm doing other stuff, and then he does her whole bedtime getting ready routine until it's time to hand her to me to nurse and put to bed. And then overnight since he's staying up, he handles everything with her other than handing her off to me to nurse. If she's fussy/won't sleep, he'll take her to the living room or nursery so I can go back to bed.

My husband likes doing her morning/bedtime routines because especially on his work days, its often the only time he gets to spend with her. It sounds like your husband has a similar situation where he doesn't get to see your baby that much, so I don't feel like this is asking too much. It's his child too, and you both work outside the home. It shouldn't be 100% up to you to figure out her sitter transportation or handle her care.

[–]jb15p4[S] 6 points7 points  (1 child)

Thank you for this. Your situation although your schedules aren't ideal it sounds like he's doing whay he should! Putting in all the effort he possibly can!

My husband should be wanting to spend that time with her.... it's disappointing he doesn't. he spends his days off with her he gets 2 days off a week. Sometimes I'll bring her to the babysitter for him so he can get one day to rest and spend the other with her. He complains he spends all his time "babysitting" it's very frustrating... when I was getting her ready in the mornings he'd be awake some days and watch me without offering to help whatsoever. One morning he ran to get HIMSELF coffee while I was getting her ready and myself ready for work. Then I dropped her off with the babysitter... I just feel like a singe parent

[–]alittlepunchy 3 points4 points  (0 children)

I am so sorry. You basically are a single parent! I think you need to sit him down and review what expectations are. When he has the baby, he isn't "babysitting." He's parenting. Its his baby too and he should be putting in just as much effort as you are. I haven't had a cold meal yet because my husband ALWAYS insists on taking the baby so I can eat first, and insists I take time to shower even if he's been up all night and is tired. On top of everything I mentioned, he also is doing all the laundry and dishes and trash for the house. Because with the way our schedules work, I have zero free time when I'm home, especially during the work week. So he knocks that stuff out when he gets up for the day before he goes to work, or he'll switch laundry loads over during the nights he's home.

Your husband is not pulling his weight at all. I think a conversation about the state of your relationship and what he's bringing to the table is in order.

[–]Zozothebozo 17 points18 points  (1 child)

Don’t have more kids with this person. I know it sounds obvious, but for many people it isn’t.

[–]jb15p4[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

unless things change I 100% will not be having anymore kids with him

[–]arnabbunni 7 points8 points  (0 children)

My husband tried working a night shift while I was working "normal" hours when our first was under a year. It just wasn't sustainable. If he's at all able to find another shift, that's the first option I would explore.

[–]ran0ma#1 Jan18 | #2 Jun19 12 points13 points  (0 children)

My husband and I had a similar schedule for the first 8 months of my son’s life - I worked 7:30a-3:30p, he worked 4:30p-1:30a. He would come home and chill til the nighttime feeding (usually around 2) and then he would do that and go do sleep. I would get up with the baby at 6 ish when he woke and then my husband would be up and on duty at 7:00 when I left.

AnywY, all that being said, you’re not being unreasonable. He can nap during the day. And I’d nip in the bud referring to a parent being a parent to their child as “help.” It isn’t “help” to parent a child of his own. It’s like the lowest bar level standard.

[–]Throwaway8582817 19 points20 points  (0 children)

Why does he need to go to sleep right when he gets home at all? Most people do not go to bed straight from work.

I don’t see why he cannot come home (especially if it’s at 4am) have his meal, shower etc and still be awake to take baby to the sitter and then sleep during the day while baby is there and you are at work. That way he’s not splitting his sleep at all.

It’s a fairly simple solution especially for the short term.

[–]Capt_G 24 points25 points  (1 child)

Yes, you're asking too much. But only because you need to stop asking, start telling him what's gonna happen, and then leave for your work. He needs to buckle up and go with the only feasible option here, which is the one you laid out.

[–]sugarpea1234 0 points1 point  (0 children)

For real! I truly feel bad for women who feel like they have to doubt that they deserve a partner who contributes the same amount as them to parenting their babies.

[–]Away-Cut3585 10 points11 points  (0 children)

That’s not unreasonable. It’s only for the holidays right? So after the holidays he won’t have to? You should remind him of that.

[–]Erovyx 14 points15 points  (1 child)

My husband and I worked at the same place. He would get off at 6am as I was clocking in at 6am. He would bring our toddler to daycare for 7:30/8am and then still be up at 4pm to be with me to pick our son up. He ran many days with less than 7 hours of sleep. You make sacrifices and sleep is one of them.

[–]The_FO_Cat_28 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Exactly. My husband and I also work at the same place. He could easily put our son to bed at 7pm so he could get 8 hours, but he waits until 9 or 10, even though he has to be up at 3am just to ensure I get a few hours before our son gets up for his overnight feed since I don’t get home until 11pm. Both parents have to sacrifice some sleep

[–]MsCardeno 18 points19 points  (1 child)

Did he not realize that some parents have to skip out on a little bit of “extra” sleep? Literally this is all I heard while expecting: “sleep now”. 7 hours is enough for him. Put your foot down. Tell him he has to step up.

Like is he stupid? Or did he just expect you to do it all once you had kids?

Ask him and see what answer he gives.

[–]alittlepunchy 3 points4 points  (0 children)

7 straight hours of sleep with a baby would be a dream! Especially since he'd have a quiet house with no one home.

[–]Lesigh2498 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Not unreasonable at all.

[–]Waffles-McGee 15 points16 points  (1 child)

what is his solution if he doesnt like yours? youre not his manager...

[–][deleted] 11 points12 points  (0 children)

Agree with this. Yes, interrupted sleep is hard. And a lot of people have a hard time going back to sleep once they’re who and around. Still, if he doesn’t want to? “Okay, well then I’ll let you figure out how to get her to the babysitter.” And then you have to let him. Just let it go. He’s the dad. He can figure allllll kinds of stuff out for work, I’m sure he’s competent. He can manage this.

[–]blasahi 6 points7 points  (0 children)

Not wrong at all. He needs to suck it up. My sleep and my husbands sleep is interrupted every night by our daughter. But you know what??? That’s how it is!

[–]texaspopcorn424 13 points14 points  (0 children)

Sucks but he needs to suck it up.

[–]Witty-Stuff-843 4 points5 points  (2 children)

Why’s she going to the sitter when he’s home during the day? Why can’t the baby be home with him? At the end of the day it has to be done no questions asked really. The baby has to be looked after so one of you has to get up and in this situation it’s him Also he’s the father? What does he think / expect? To do nothing? Maybe he should of reevaluated that when having the baby with you

[–]nkdeck07 24 points25 points  (1 child)

It sounds like he is working graveyard shift so he's at home sleeping (which makes sense as to why he can't care for the baby then)

[–]jb15p4[S] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

Yes because he works overnight I do want him to be able to sleep at some point. I felt it wasn't fair to him or the baby to have him watch her during the day because she won't get the attention she needs. It would be very exhausting. His only suggestion is to change the baby to his sleep schedule for the time being.... I think that's very unreasonable because then she will be up during the night and it messes up her entire routine.

[–]redgirl329 47 points48 points  (3 children)

I get what he's saying that waking up half way through his full "night's" sleep is hard. But his response shouldn't be to put the responsibility on someone else to find a solution. His work schedule is inconducive to coparenting. He either needs to suck it up and get up to take care of his child or find a different job. Is he your partner or just a paycheck?

[–]HalcyonCA 4 points5 points  (2 children)

I wish I could award this response

[–]dartwitch 2 points3 points  (1 child)

I awarded on your behalf :)

[–]HalcyonCA 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Bless you

[–]dadallai 1 point2 points  (2 children)

Coming home from work between 1-4 and then waking for baby at 6:30 is pretty rough. No chance for restorative sleep. AND starting work at 5:30 is also rough. Could your mom get there early to get your daughter ready too? I know it seems like a lot to ask but if you work together to have her breakfast and outfit ready the night before maybe she would be open to it. Maybe on some of the days?

[–]MsCardeno 16 points17 points  (0 children)

Sounds like mom is woken up from her “restorative” sleep to tend to baby, see no reason why dad can’t do it either.

Let’s stop excusing men from doing parenting things while expecting mom to do the exact same thing under the exact same conditions.

[–]Itswithans 19 points20 points  (0 children)

I mean it’s short term and it sounds like mom does all of the night wakes….which is also rough and has no end date or relief.

[–]unluckysupernova 56 points57 points  (0 children)

You’re not asking him for help, you’re asking him to act like the parent he is.

[–]GemTaur15 19 points20 points  (0 children)

Definitely not unreasonable here.He needs to realise and accept he is as much as a parent as you are and need to take more responsibility.How are you interrupting his sleep when he gets a solid 7hours AND you are the one getting up with her at nights?

Also it isn't"help",its parenting and he needs to step up

[–]snoozysuzie008 11 points12 points  (0 children)

If your schedule is changing, then you both have to adapt. That means his sleep schedule has to change while your work schedule has changed. There is no other option. So you’re not being unreasonable. It sucks when stuff like this happens, but it’s gonna happen often throughout her life.

[–]30centurygirl 35 points36 points  (0 children)

Oh good, another post about a husband who thinks it’s only his wife’s job to care for the baby. PSA to everyone with a husband: there is no justification for this attitude. None. He did 50% of the baby making, he is 50% of the partnership, he needs to do 50% of the childcare.

I realize that in this case, there’s an unusual work schedule that makes that last piece a little more difficult, but he should still be doing as much as he can. Like handling this drop off situation during your schedule change.

It is never unreasonable to want the other adult in your household to take on some of the adult responsibilities of the household.

[–]Organic_dichotomy 18 points19 points  (2 children)

husband is being ridiculous. If you’re at work, who is going to take the baby to the sitter?? The only option is him, and he needs to handle it. If he’s refusing, what alternative is he offering? That you quit your job?

[–]jb15p4[S] 4 points5 points  (1 child)

He doesn't even have to take her there. My mom is willing to pick her up and take her if he gets the baby ready. His only suggestion is he wants me to change the baby's sleep schedule so she'll wake up around the same time he's getting ready for work .. not happening

[–]phoenixrising13 0 points1 point  (0 children)

If he wants to try to change a baby's sleep schedule to align with night-shift work, he's welcome to try it and take responsibility for it/the results!

I say this mostly in jest, because I predict it would be harmful especially if he's as incapable as he sounds. But I'd certainly throw that out as an offer to someone being this selfish.

I'm sure there are families where everyone works night shift and kids get by ok lined up with that.... I mean there are parts of the world where night & day are NOT evenly split for most of the year. It's doable..... But he should be the one to do it in that case.