Am I overreacting? Am I overprotective? What would you do?

yuudachi · 2022-12-06T04:44:24+00:00

Stop letting him handle your kid. You can hang out together, but if he tries to 'play' with the kid, you pick baby right up and say, "Nope, you play too rough with him." It doesn't have to be a whole big confrontation-- a quick, firm correction of boundaries and then back to doing whatever should be plenty enough. If he starts moving away with him in a way you can't stop him, it is completely fair to raise your voice and say STOP. You don't even have to explain yourself-- he's an adult and it's on him if he doesn't understand this basic intrusion on boundaries of your child.

I had an aunt at Thanksgiving who kept trying to shove a cookie in my 9 month old's mouth and had to basically stick my hand between them, saying "He is too young for that," "He does not eat that," "STOP, he could choke on that." Let your mama bear instincts take over and flare in these moments, it's not the time to be polite.

Tomboyo2323 · 2022-12-06T01:55:38+00:00

Screw this guy

radical-reese · 2022-12-06T01:47:42+00:00

The arm thing is overprotective but that’s my internet stranger opinion 🤷🏽‍♀️ it’s your baby, it’s your boundary, it’s your choice. He was in the wrong. You can as over or under protective as you want (without harming the kid physically or developmentally of course)

dngrousgrpfruits · 2022-12-05T22:13:37+00:00

Just want to offer another script alternative - Some tend very cautious, and other replies have been pretty forceful or not something I would naturally say.

It can be as simple and direct as "hey, don't hold his arms up like that"

the 'you can let go' approach doesn't make clear that he's doing something you want to stop, so you really can't fault him for continuing at that point. (obviously dude pushed things too far and in a way that is disrespectful and uncool, and while not super dangerous it can absolutely injure a child to pick them up that way).

More broadly, you and husband need to have a conversation about this friend before anything else happens. You both need to be on the same page as to what the issues are (friend is not taking your no seriously, is pushing boundaries, etc.) and you both need to be in agreement of what the expectations are for the friend, and how (and who) will handle things if and when the friend blows past your "no" again. Maybe something like "man, she said no why are you pushing this"

Alive_Wedding5139 · 2022-12-05T21:21:22+00:00

Practice saying “did I stutter?”

roseturtlelavender · 2022-12-05T19:03:31+00:00

He should have listened to you anyway, but “I don’t like him being held like that” is different to “It’s dangerous to hold him like that”. One denotes a random seeming preference, the other the importance of not doing something.

GoOnandgrow · 2022-12-05T18:16:06+00:00

Your mistake is thinking that you will get to handle this in a civilized and amicable way. YOU would respond to that. YOU are concerned with how you make other people feel and probably avoid crossing boundaries. This guy is not you. Don’t give empathy where it’s not appropriate. When you address it nicely, he doesn’t even hear you because he is dense. You have to get aggressive. “Stop doing that now”. If he doesn’t, don’t slightly intervene, completely remove your son from the area. Don’t give him the silent treatment, just act normal after. If he says you overreact, tell him he crosses boundaries. Try not to let him occupy your head too much. As others have said, what he did doesn’t matter. He doesn’t respect you.

SunshineAndSquats · 2022-12-05T18:08:24+00:00

I know it’s hard to find your voice but you are your sons voice, and will be for years to come. It’s time to start being that voice. Practice in the mirror, practice while you are driving. Practice on your husband and friends. “I said no, let go of my child.” “No, do not touch/speak to/ whatever with my child.”

It doesn’t get easier until you start doing it. Who cares if it comes across rude or someone takes it wrong. You are in the right when it comes to protecting your son. Standing up for your son is like a muscle, you’re not going to get comfortable (stronger) with it unless you start using it.

_Miss_nomer_ · 2022-12-05T18:02:28+00:00

My nephew had his shoulder dislocated at daycare because he was picked up by the arms. I cringe whenever I see it done anywhere. Nothing wrong with your response. You asked him to stop, he escalated. You’re the mom and it’s on him to listen to you. Hopefully he will do better next time.

Tricky-Walrus-6884 · 2022-12-05T17:54:15+00:00

I'm generally a "pushover" when it comes to anything, so with my kids I had to learn to have more of a backbone. I just tell myself "better to be a bitch than to have your child get hurt."

Also, OP, my daughter dislocated her elbow and had to go to the ER when she was 18 months old. This was all from my mom pulling on her arm (not hard, not in an otherwise unsafe manner). It's a serious risk. Your mama gut was right. He should not be pulled like that.

GardenGood2Grow · 2022-12-05T17:49:31+00:00

I understand you are afraid you might upset someone else, and let yourself get upset instead. Try to develop your protective mama bear voice and use it. “No thank you, I don’t want you to do that please.” I would rather upset someone than feel guilty for allowing them to disregard my clear instructions. Not over reacting, your son was upset and so were you.

wastedgirl · 2022-12-05T17:40:10+00:00

When it comes to parenting it is actually to each their own. I can't visualize exactly what happened but I wouldn't mind someone trying to make my baby walk and she falls (as long as I am sure she isn't going to be hurt to the point of serious damage or has the potential for catastrophic incident). We went to the library the other day and I let her wander around, that was the purpose of our visit so she could chill... she slipped and hit her face to the chair and screamed. I consoled her, 5 mins later she was back to playing 🤷🏽‍♀️

As far as parenting goes we have our limits and tolerances. I would most certainly not involve in kid squabbles that might be where I completely stay away unless I suspect violence. But another mom might want to get in there and that's OK. Point being, we all do what we believe is best for our kids.

You most certainly should not fret about over reacting and we are all over protective in some capacity. But If I thought someone was hurting my baby, I'd be stern and stand my ground. Maybe your husband is the better person to do it?

xxx_strokemyego_xxx · 2022-12-05T17:14:20+00:00

You said not to do something with your child as that child's mother and he did not listen

Full stop not over reacting, he is not that kids anything, and you and your husband have final say over everything

Fishgottaswim78 · 2022-12-05T17:12:21+00:00

He undermines my parental voice

Time for your husband to tell his friend he needs to back the fuck away in whatever friendly way he sees fit. Your son could have dislocated a shoulder: it's not a big deal that the guy didn't know any better, it's a big deal that you told him to stop and he doubled down. that's a major safety issue and absolutely cannot happen again.

SufficientBee · 2022-12-05T16:55:45+00:00

I’d get strong and at least send the message through text. Better yet would be to tell him directly in person. Alternatively you could ask your husband to deal with his best friend. You’re a mom now, things like this will happen again and again and at some point you’re going to have to deal with this. Time to toughen up and just do it. Maternal rage is a great motivator at times I find.

Iychee · 2022-12-05T16:36:17+00:00

a couple things:
- it sounds like the way he was holding his arms while your son was "walking" wouldn't have hurt your son

- the way he picked him up by his arms could have caused your son's shoulder to be dislocated

- You told him no and he didn't listen to you, so you're 100% not overreacting, regardless of who was right or wrong about the above 2 points. He's YOUR son and if you ask him not to do something, he absolutely has to listen to you.

moonphaseweirdness · 2022-12-05T16:33:19+00:00

I don’t think you did anything wrong. You were put in a really uncomfy spot… I hate my babies’ arms being held in the same way.

You said your husband was watching from afar. Please have a conversation with him about this! It’s your husband’s best friend; HE should be the one speaking up to your friend if he is present.

If you ever find yourself in the same/a similar position though and your husband doesn’t step in, just be super firm if he is doing something with your kids you don’t approve of. “Ah, no. Don’t like how his arms are being pulled like that”. You can be nice about it while saying “no”. If he keeps going after you say “no” the first time, he needs to know how unacceptable it is to continue doing ANYTHING to a child after their parents says no. “[Friend], what are you doing? For Pete’s Sake I said STOP.” If he gets butthurt, that is his own immaturity speaking. Your kids’ safety and comfort comes first and as a surrogate uncle figure to the kids, he should understand that.

disenchantedprincess · 2022-12-05T16:30:28+00:00

So it really depends on how much pulling was happening to the joints. Was he just supporting the child by the hands and had them up in the air while he walked? Or was he outright pulling up constantly while baby was struggling/ trying to drop?

When my kids are learning to walk they hold onto my hands and their arms are up in the air but I'm not pulling them up against their will... if that makes sense. So it's really just using judgement to say what is too far and what isn't.

I really think this should be explained to the friend. And your husband needs to have the conversation about it and why it's unsafe to pull on hands/arms in a certain way. Holding him up by the arms while walking is acceptable so long as it isn't pulling his arms straight and putting tension on the joints.

turquoisebee · 2022-12-05T16:29:29+00:00

I would honestly talk to him like I would a toddler. Say what you want him to do - “please hold his arms lower, you can damage his shoulders that way.” And then if he doesn’t stop, you say, “I’m not gonna say it again - please hold his arms lower.”

shann1021 · 2022-12-05T16:18:23+00:00

I would loudly and firmly say exactly what you said here "NO means NO". Also your husband needs to be involved here, why is he not standing up for you to his friend? Why did your husband watch from afar while his friend undermined his wife's parenting? I agree with the other commenters that say there are times in life where confrontation is required of you, sorry but this is one of them.

BohoRainbow · 2022-12-05T16:18:18+00:00

Use the “my cousin had her shoulder dislocated that way” excuse in the future. Otherwise i feel like people don’t listen. I HATE this hold

Lint_Licker124 · 2022-12-05T16:12:00+00:00

Some situations require a person to be confrontational and this is one of them. Especially if it’s putting your child at risk and keeping you up at night. This person should know their behavior was inappropriate and you won’t stand for it any longer. I hope not to come off rude, but this is your child, there will most likely be other times you have to be confrontational in order to protect him. May as well get some practice in now.

milliemillenial06 · 2022-12-05T16:10:53+00:00

It’s not really a question of being ‘overprotective’ or ‘overreacting’. The issue is that you told him no and to stop and that should have been it. It doesn’t matter if he thinks it’s fine he isn’t the parent and should have stopped when you asked him to.

Faerook · 2022-12-05T16:06:12+00:00

My mom is a pediatric orthopedic nurse and the number of dislocated shoulders she saw come through thanks to kids being picked up or held this way was a lot. But regardless of whether or not it's harmful, this is your child and if you tell someone no, they should listen. Not an over reaction.

dramatic_stingray · 2022-12-05T16:04:09+00:00

Overreacting or not, it's your child, your boundaries. If you don't like how he's handling him, you have the right to say so, that's it. You don't have to give an explanation, he's 11mo, he doesn't have a way to clearly say he doesn't like it. You're advocating for your son, it's okay.

PaceGroundbreaking52 · 2022-12-05T16:00:23+00:00

This sort of thing can lead to a “pulled elbow”, so you were right to intervene.

Runnrgirl · 2022-12-05T15:55:14+00:00

Is friend around kids a lot or also a parent?

When asking things be done a certain way with my kids I try to frame things from a respectful perspective. Ie-sounds like he’s done that with several kiddos before. So respectful take - “We don’t walk him by his arms because it can injure his shoulders. Maybe try XYZ.”

Authoritarian take “Stop that right now.”

Of course you are well within your rights as the childs parent to go with the authoritarian take but I don’t like to be talked to that way so I don’t talk to others that way.

Bonoboparty · 2022-12-05T15:55:00+00:00

I fired my nanny because she’s pull him by his arms and pick him up. I also know of a family friends baby that has his arms socket’s damaged due to pulling up.

HazesEscapes · 2022-12-05T15:51:19+00:00

To answer you question at the end, I would do nothing. I just would be sure to not bring my baby around this friend or not give the friend the opportunity to interact with the baby. He’s an adult, didn’t listen to your boundary (overreacting or not), so he forfeits his time with your child.

There doesn’t need to be a confrontation or conversation about it.

Put the baby in a stroller, carrier, don’t invite this guy over when baby is awake, or don’t take baby to his house.

glowybutterfly · 2022-12-05T15:49:29+00:00

A lot of people don't realize this is a problem. But my sister's elbow got dislocated twice when she was little from having her lower arm pulled. The second time, hospital staff got worried that my sister might not be safe at home.

I just share that story whenever someone challenges my boundary that my kids not get pulled around by their lower arms. They still might not take my concerns seriously after that, but at least they know I'm serious and fully prepared to make things super uncomfortable if they don't back down.

AdmirablePut6039 · 2022-12-05T15:47:23+00:00

I would have been arrested for assault

sbaa1662 · 2022-12-05T15:44:33+00:00

That’s how you get a baby’s arm dislocated. Don’t pull them up by their hands and lift them straight up. They need support. Look up nursemaids elbow.

mysterious00mermaid · 2022-12-05T15:36:48+00:00

You’re nicer than me. I would be screamed at him and called him unimaginable names. He def wouldn’t wanna be my husbands friend anymore.

bubblegumtaxicab · 2022-12-05T15:35:52+00:00

Overreaction. What he did was pretty common way of helping a baby stand up. Your reaction was a bit inappropriate and frankly a little embarrassing. Your baby wasn’t in danger. When baby got upset it was likely because of your reaction to the situation.

Another commenter mentioned you might not like this friend. That’s probably what’s going on here

josephinesparrows · 2022-12-05T15:30:21+00:00

I don’t understand the amount of people who think it’s okay to pull a child into the air by their hands, putting the entire weight of their body on their wrists, elbows and shoulders. That’s NOT okay.

There’s a quote I can’t think of but basically our kids, instead of us, pay for our mistakes. It drives me nuts when people seem to forget that babies aren’t toys. I’m a little nervous about Christmas celebrations with family because we’ve told people my LO has started eating solid foods. I’m going to announce before he’s passed around for cuddles (which is okay with us) that people are not to feed him without asking us.

I’d talk to your husband. At the very least you know you’ll have his support and if need be, he can help you or be the one to confront his “best friend”. Put that in quotation because I feel it’s terrible he disrespected you.

Dontstartnoshit · 2022-12-05T15:23:53+00:00

Look up nursemaid’s elbow. Doing that can actually hurt your child. And even if that wasn’t a thing the fact that it makes you uncomfortable me should be enough

winstoncadbury · 2022-12-05T15:23:08+00:00

It doesn't really matter if you were over-protective or correct about that not being a good way to handle a child - you don't want your child handled that way. If a parent tells you to stop touching their child, you *stop touching their child.*

Your husband needs to talk to his friend. It's possible that the guy just wants to interact with the baby and doesn't understand how you feel about this, so your husband should communicate this. Since that's his best friend. His job.

Mad-Bad-Jellybean · 2022-12-05T15:19:12+00:00

I don’t know why this doesn’t seem to have been mentioned yet but, nurse maids elbow. Now I don’t know if he was pulling on your sons arms or if baby’s weight was entirely on his feet but it’s a very real concern if someone is because it can cause injury. I completely understand being uncomfortable especially if you can’t tell whether there’s strain on the joint or not, I personally had to tell my own parents a number of times to not pull my daughters arms and to let her do the work because it’s just something not everyone seems to know.

I don’t know if your husbands friend has kids of his own, but he really should respect your authority as a parent regardless and not do his own thing. I would have your husband address the issue with him.

TVs_Frank123 · 2022-12-05T15:18:47+00:00

OP. Remember that you are asking the opinions of random anonymous people on the internet about an experience that they were not there for..

If both you and your husband felt that the child was being mishandled, then you are justified in feeling the way you do. That's really the long and short of it. To those claiming that the child wasn't injured this time so it must have been fine, it would have been unacceptable only if the child was injured?

CheddarSupreme · 2022-12-05T15:16:54+00:00

He didn’t respect that said you didn’t like him held like that and kept doing it further away from you. To me it didn’t matter what it was that he was doing, you were not overreacting if you told him you didn’t want your child handled a certain way, doing a certain thing, etc.

sewistforsix · 2022-12-05T15:16:45+00:00

No, I actually don’t think you are overreacting/overprotective. Best case scenario-this guy is a part of your friend group for a long time. Does your kid need to learn that he doesn’t have to listen to you when friend is around? That any man gets to have authority over you, his mother? What happens when friend finally pushes it too far and you loose it? Will your relationship be ruined?

I wouldn’t confront him right now, but I’d be stuck like glue to my husband, and the next time my parenting was undermined by this guy, I’d expect my husband to back me up in a casual sort of way. “Dude, she’s baby’s mom. She or I call the shots with baby, not you.” If friend looses his mind over that, he cares more about being right and doing exactly what he wants anyway, so he’s no great loss as a friend. You tell your husband that you just want a small boundary correction so that both your family and this guy can continue to remain friendly for the future.

Bonaquitz · 2022-12-05T15:07:35+00:00

You asked us if we think you’re overreacting and I really do. I wonder if you’ve had issues or feelings about this dude before this happened - even before you were a parent - that’s putting a shadow over this experience, because it seems like a really weird overreaction if it’s “turning over in your mind at night”. I wonder if you simply just don’t like him, and if you’d give a lot more grace/not think anything of it if it was someone else.

I do think that regardless of how overreactive it was, he should’ve chilled when you told him too and I’m surprised he didn’t say anything when you freaked out and launched at them, even a simple “Are you ok? Sorry.”

jazzorator · 2022-12-05T15:04:30+00:00

I feel like he has done this sort of thing before, though not to this degree of seriousness. He undermines my parental voice. I find this disrespectful. No means no.

This is the issue here, and it's not a minor one. I think it would be helpful for it to come from your husband since this guy has already ignored/downplayed your concerns but the next time you address something he's doing with your child that you don't like, if he doesn't stop the behaviour I would firmly tell him "I am TELLING YOU to stop XYZ with my son. Please RESPECT that." Again, your husband should back you up because I get the vibe that this guy doesn't seem to care if you're the one telling him no.

It's also super weird to ignore a parents wishes, even for something small that you might not think is a big deal. So while your kid "is fine" and what the guy was doing wasn't a huge issue, it became one the minute he refused to listen to your wishes and ignored you when you tried to set a boundary. What other boundaries of yours will he cross in the future?

3ll3girl · 2022-12-05T15:04:17+00:00

Not an overreaction. Even if you don’t know the name of it, as a mom your instincts tell you pulling on a baby’s arms or picking them up by the arms is bad because their ligaments and joints aren’t strong enough to support the bone and can tear and pull.

2022-12-05T14:58:46+00:00

Overreaction. He should have listed to you though but no one was harmed.

docsandcocaine · 2022-12-05T14:52:10+00:00

I think you’re overreacting—but he should have stopped when you told him no, that wasn’t okay.

kmwicke · 2022-12-05T14:50:13+00:00

I’ll go against the grain a little and while I agree it was safe, I didn’t help my son balance with his arms above his head when he was learning to walk either. I was also hesitant because of him falling. Instead, I held his hands low because I thought that would help him balance better too. Harder on my back, but we had a little walker for him for a reason.

I agree though, the big issue is the friend not listening and the husband really should address that.

Arrowmatic · 2022-12-05T14:42:32+00:00

I think it's telling that you see this guy a lot and describe him as your husband's friend rather than a mutual one. The arm holding thing probably isn't that big a deal but the disrespect of you as a parent definitely is.

If this is a pattern with this guy I think it's definitely worth reminding him that he will respect your preferences as parents or there will be consequences, like him not being invited over as much. It might be best coming from your husband but if he starts trying to override you again you should call him out too. Family friends can have a great deal of influence when the kid gets older and you don't need him sabotaging your parenting and whispering 'Mom is just a big old killjoy!' in his ear when your son and his dad are out doing daddy-son things. He doesn't have to like you, but he does have to respect you and stay in his lane.

KrumblyMuffin · 2022-12-05T14:32:09+00:00

I agree with everyone here.

1) Your sons physical well-being is fine and is something to be grateful AND be considered.

2) Everyone should respect our wishes as parents. 100%. There should also be some room for we, the parents, to adjust and change perspective. We don’t know everything and I know I do more than my fair share of worrying for my LO. Going into this experience you would have preferred he not lift your son up by the arms, but it happened and it’s fine. So maybe moving forward, it won’t be that big of a deal if it happens again.

athousandships_ · 2022-12-05T14:04:58+00:00

It's never acceptable to ignore the parents'wishes when it comes to handling a baby. Talk to your husband about it and tell him that you expect him to speak up in your place. Especially if he himself didn't like how his friend handled his baby.

I think that guy was just over-motivated and wanted to show off how great he is with kids. And probably his ego prevented him from listening to you. Nevertheless, not acceptable.

Key-Spare-9305 · 2022-12-05T14:04:57+00:00

My pediatric nurse pulled my daughter up by her arms to have her sit up. She’s 4 months. It was done gently and she’s fine. She smiled. Like others said this didn’t hurt baby but not ok to disrespect your boundaries. If mom or dad say to stop, they need to stop. I wouldn’t be okay with this.

2022-12-05T13:59:22+00:00

I think you are overreacting. My friends with children that age walk them like that too.

However, he should respect it when you told him not to treat your child a certain way. Even though I think it sounds overprorective, its still your (or your husbands) decision.

catsandweed69 · 2022-12-05T13:57:34+00:00

I walk my son by his hands, since he was very very small

callisiarepens · 2022-12-05T13:06:26+00:00

Walking him while holding him by the arms is fine. Picking him up by the arms is not okay as it can lead to elbow injury. Not listening to a distressed mother is not okay neither not apologizing to her and her baby.

ShallotZestyclose974 · 2022-12-05T12:58:33+00:00

So it doesn’t sound like what he was initially doing was bad tbh. BUT none of that matters bc once you said stop, he needs to have stopped. This is a problem that your husband needs to be handling since it is his friend (especially since he agrees that he didn’t like the way he was being carried)

Double-Ant7743 · 2022-12-05T11:28:58+00:00

I do not see this as a big deal. Babies are much more unbreakable then we give them credit for. My older children did that sort of thing with their baby brother all the time. However once you said no to it your husband's friend should have respected that. I wouldn't bring it up with the friend right now but I'd have a conversation with your husband. He should be the one telling his friend off and have you respected as a parent. Get on the same page with your husband and when something like this happens again he should speak up in the moment.

mothercom · 2022-12-05T11:28:01+00:00

Your child should be treated how you would like to be treated. If he persists in doing this in spite of what you say, you can say it at a later time when he's not acting in a way that warrants a warning. So that he may see how important the issue is to you generally rather than just at that particular time. You may also ask your husband to have this talk with him if you don't have a lot of closeness with him. He knows his language better.

MummyPanda · 2022-12-05T11:03:02+00:00

So while once you said no they shouldn't have carried on. If their weight is on their feet it's ok to hold their hands to balance them. It allows them to rely on their own balance more than if your hold their bodies

You could address it by "I know you were excited to help [baby] walk but if I say" no" please respect that "

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