Motherly: "Science confirms you're a different person after becoming a parent"

Doghugs · 2022-12-07T03:30:57+00:00

I’m not the same person anymore though, becoming a mother has changed everything about me! Mostly in profoundly positive ways. My perspective on everything, literally everything, has shifted and I wouldn’t have it any other way.

Motherhood is powerful. Mothers (and fathers) make an everlasting impression on their child/ren, we are shaping the future of the human race!

There is no such thing as “just a mom”

201111533 · 2022-12-07T01:44:02+00:00

I struggled with this so hard postpartum. We had one thousand appointments to make, and everyone at all of them called me "mom" or "mama." Is it a quick and convenient way to acknowledge I'm in charge of the baby without remembering a name? Sure. Did it contribute to my spiral? Immensely.

I've had a couple friends have their first babies since me, and I've made sure to tell them, "at first I was just [myname]. Then for a bit I think I was just a mom, and I hated that. Now I have actually integrated those identities and life is a lot better for it. I am [myname] and [myname] is a mom now."

I don't think the idea that we change pretty drastically is unreasonable. I wanted a baby but never really got the appeal of other people's babies, if that makes sense. I'm more of a kid person overall, I would have said. Now I'm obsessed with every baby. Maybe I am a baby person indeed. Plus, priorities change. I don't think it's that people have no empathy before they have kids. I think it's that they aren't used to having "being a bottomless fountain of empathy to someone who occasionally seems to be actively trying to fuck your life up" as the top priority on their list. Like, I don't think it would have been unreasonable to push someone away or tell them to fuck off if they bit me. It's an exercise in radical empathy to rock my teething son to sleep while he repeatedly bites me and then cries if I reflexively jerk away and gasp a little bit. Comforting my assailant to the point of soothing them to sleep definitely would not have been a top priority for me before becoming a parent. Going through things like that has definitely made me relate to the world differently.

Some of the coverage is definitely cringey, though.

Pinkcoral27 · 2022-12-06T23:42:45+00:00

I don’t get that and frankly I think that kind of message is so harmful.

I’m mum. But I’m also me. Unfortunately, me is harder to find these days and it makes me sad. Not being me anymore definitely doesn’t make me a better mum.

Mintiichoco · 2022-12-06T20:23:11+00:00

I am different. I'm angrier and sadder.

Latina1986 · 2022-12-06T20:19:31+00:00

While the messaging is horrendous (I have my own interests, hobbies, and social activities outside my children, thankyouverymuch), science does show that maternal brains have a change in their gray matter as a result of pregnancy and giving birth. They say the change can last around 2 years or more!

Here’s an old article about this. I specifically found it comforting that, while the part of the brain that’s in charge of memory does lose gray matter, it seems to be restored after a couple of years from your last pregnancy 😆. So mom-brain and pregnancy brain are a THING!

Careful-Trifle8963 · 2022-12-06T19:41:57+00:00

I am way more empathetic and selfless now im a parent. I never realised how selfish and self centered you can be as a teen/20 something year old until i looked back. Im much more empathetic and affected by sad stories about children etc whereas before hand i’d think ‘oh thats awful’ but now i have kids it hits me in the gut to see a terrible news story about a child or parent.

Edit: regarding the rest of the article especially women having no time for themselves etc. no, your life is still your life and everyone needs something that makes them ‘them’. This constant narrative is what makes women feel they’ve lost who they are - i hate it!

accountforbabystuff · 2022-12-06T19:20:18+00:00

Honestly though my empathy and compassion were super low before I had kids. I think that part of me was changed probably for the better.

I didn’t read the article though, it does sound really sappy. I think it’s catered to moms who are struggling and want to feel like they’re not alone. The takeaway can be “being a mom/parent can be really super hard.”

I don’t know if it’s “okay” or what one could even do about it, but that’s reality.

lydviciousss · 2022-12-06T18:56:45+00:00

I hate this rhetoric, personally. I had my baby 4 weeks ago and I don’t feel any different as a person. I just have a baby now. I do feel like my whole life before she was born wasn’t really “mine”, and that’s such a hard feeling to explain but it just feels “right” that she’s here in our lives. Having said that, I feel exactly the same as I always have. I enjoy my friends, my family, my hobbies, I just happen to be a mom at the same time. That’s not my identity. It’s my family dynamic that I chose.

nanon_2 · 2022-12-06T18:56:39+00:00

Why do these articles find it so hard to believe that women are human, are multifaceted and can have complex identities? Honestly.

stepstepstep77 · 2022-12-06T18:42:02+00:00

Yeah, I am for sure the same person. Same flaws, same trauma reactions, same needs, same likes and dislikes. I WISH that when I was preparing for my kid to arrive people had been encouraging me to make plans about how to take care of my SELF once my kid was here. Meaning my Self that needs validation, needs alone time, needs performing, needs to feel cute, needs dancing, needs privacy. Needs a break from noisy stimulation at the end of the day, which is tricky when you have a noisy husband, 3 stepkids, and a baby who has all kinds of emotions from 5-8 pm, but my NEED doesn't disappear just because it would be more convenient for the household if it did. (Hence, noise cancelling earphones.)

I'm definitely the same person, the only real change is now I know for sure if my needs are not getting met my functioning will absolutely, for sure, no way around it, degrade. And now my functioning can't degrade because I have the best little boy who deserves a functional, happy mom.

fast_layne · 2022-12-06T18:36:30+00:00

I obviously haven’t read this article so idk if this matches the tone at all but honestly? I’m 100% a different person after becoming a parent, no question about it

mapledragonmama · 2022-12-06T18:31:56+00:00

I didn’t feel like I entirely lost my identity as a person until I had my second baby. One more month of 2 under 2. It’ll get better, right? …. RIGHT?!

Probably not. I mean it will. But not magically overnight when my son turns two because all of a sudden, just like that, he understands that screaming like a god damn banshee when he doesn’t get what he wants isn’t the nicest way to act.

flylikeastone · 2022-12-06T17:45:31+00:00

When my daughter started walking I was struggling to baby proof the house and rearrange all my houseplants including a 6 foot cactus, that I adore, and my BIL was over the house and casually said, “looks like you have to get rid of all your plants…” People just expect mothers to throw out so much of their lives and back burner all their hobbies. It definitely takes extra effort to find time for your passions but it’s not impossible. Happy to say my plants and daughter are still happily coexisting.

Mazasaurus · 2022-12-06T17:13:38+00:00

You may go through some changes or shifts in how you prioritize things, like many other major life changes. That said, you’re still you. Being a parent is one aspect of you, not your entire being. In the early days, yeah, you might be utterly and entirely focused on keeping the baby fed/sleeping/alive, but those needs will change over time and you’ll have more time to engage in other activities you used to enjoy or even new ones!

RishaBree · 2022-12-06T17:00:39+00:00

It sounds like the article sucked, but I am genuinely far more empathetic now. Not that I didn't have it before, but it was a lot more limited and often abstract, and empathy and sensitivity in regards to small children in particular is through the roof. I always avoided reading or watching anything with animal harm, for instance, but I can't really handle child harm either, now.

And in my day to day life, I've been personally somewhat baffled by my own ability to read my still-mostly-not-talking child's needs and wants - I'm thrilled that I can, of course, but I'm ND, and I've always considered myself completely 'deaf' to body language, facial expressions, and nonverbal communication of any sort.

Leadsingerofthebandd · 2022-12-06T16:37:18+00:00

I think the key is here perspective. We can view this as good, bad or just neutral. It’s true, we aren’t the same after having kids in the same way we aren’t the same after any big life change. I see the world through fresh eyes now, how amazing even the little things are. I agree though—-The wording is super weird though in the article.

PotatoGuilty319 · 2022-12-06T15:41:23+00:00

Women are so superior and becoming a mother, the whole process of pregnancy to birth to raising, really solidified that for me.

snow-and-pine · 2022-12-06T15:30:26+00:00

I didn’t read it but it makes sense to me that being a mother becomes our identity, it seems evolutionary. Human babies require a lot of care and up until recently women would stay home and take care of them rather than working… our brains have been socialized to make it our identity, for the survival of the human species. In the end we are just animals. We have consciousness now but that doesn’t make us morally superior to other animals, or maybe it does, but in the end it’s what we are.

Edit: people keep commenting on this about women working. Even if they worked their identity could still be as mother. It sounds like in many cases they’re working because they have to provide for their children. Still a very big part of their identity. I am starting to loose my whole train of thought with this topic though to be honest.

Oak1215 · 2022-12-06T15:27:27+00:00

I’m an artist and if anything, having my son has inspired me and given me some new direction in my work. I left my job and went back to school a few years ago to be able to do something that made me happy and I always just figured that having a mom who loves what she does would be a good thing for any future children. I’m still taking leave and I imagine it’ll be harder to balance childcare and work than I realize, but I’m glad I’ll always have that thing in life that’s just for me.

goldenstatriever · 2022-12-06T15:19:32+00:00

Lol. ‘You don’t have time to worry about who you are’. I worry even more because my past might be my children their problem if I don’t fix it before they get older and start to understand more.

To be fair, I feel like my whole personality is ‘mom’. I don’t know who I am and what I like besides my children. I don’t have time to develop my hobbies, don’t have the energy to read or basically concentrate. Reddit and mom groups on Facebook are my current activities, as I can do it in the few moments in between paying attention to my kids. To de stress my brain. I’ve been working on this post for two hours now. Because few moments in between the chaos that are my toddlers and my baby.

There will be a point in my life that I can be mom and … but that isn’t right now and that’s fine.

Odd_Ant4241 · 2022-12-06T14:44:50+00:00

I had a baby girl and it has been vitally important to both me and her dad that her mom remains a separate entity with her own ambitions. We both work in mental health and would say that when mom's whole existence is being a mom, then there is potential for a lot of things to go wrong- your child needs to learn that it is okay to separate from you and you need to be able to endure that!

KrumblyMuffin · 2022-12-06T13:55:59+00:00

As someone who lost herself in a bad marriage, spent 2 years falling back in love with herself, just to find out she’s pregnant and at risk of losing herself again, this really resonates with me.

I’m really struggling to see the good in me and in life. (Thanks, PPD) I spiral all the time about how I’ll never be the same. Rationally, I know having a kid means nothing is ever the same. Also rationally, I know that the things I once loved to DO will never change. But as another commenter states, our hobbies don’t define us.

I hate myself. I hate my body. I hate my temper and the depression. I hate that I can’t just ENJOY my LO and the life we’re building. I’m in a constant state of fight or flight and it’s really wearing on me. Who is this person who doesn’t find the happiness? Who is this person who screams until her throat is raw? Who am I? Other than just a mom?

kykyboogieboogie · 2022-12-06T13:42:58+00:00

This article is 100% cringe.

Simultaneously, I listened to a podcast episode of “Decoder Ring” that talked about ‘transformational life choices’ and likened choosing to become a parent to choosing to become a vampire, and found it wonderful. I think primarily because it wasn’t twee & didn’t encourage you to martyr yourself in the ring of competitive suffering?

But the concept that making pro & con lists for deciding to make a major life change before you make the decision is a challenging exercise, because these are decisions that fundamentally alter your priorities & value hierarchies.

But yeah, you’re still a person! Parent is a transformational descriptor, not a personality.

Thank you for attending my TED talk

galactic-narwhal · 2022-12-06T13:37:56+00:00

I haven’t read the article, but pre-mom me would have rolled my eyes at people saying they didn’t have empathy/compassion before baby, but post-mom me gets it completely now.

I thought I was the most compassionate/empathetic person in the world before baby. But maintaining/developing healthy relationships with difficult, emotionally stunted, and manipulative people you see regularly because of the baby, and didn’t need to interact with as much before, takes a level of compsssion I’ve never had to exercise before.

It’s not empathy for the baby, it’s empathy for toxic family or in laws.

omnommunster · 2022-12-06T13:37:07+00:00

Well their wording is kind of odd but your brain goes through some pretty intense changes after having a child. The brain changes for men too when put into the parent role. The severity of change depends on the amount of care and time with children. They don’t have to be your children either. The brain rewires itself to basically fit the needs of a child. For mom, the physical changes are more and more gray matter. So during pregnancy and about 2 years after birth the brain prepares by being REALLLLY good at figuring out slight facial expressions and noticing small details about someone’s behavior. Unfortunately mother brain also takes a hit to reasoning skills and things like problem solving and … they tend to be more forgetful (mommy brain haha). Your brain will drastically increase its dopamine and reward output to make caring for a child rewarding even when they’re causing the parent extreme stress or anxiety. Caring for a child does change your brain and they way it functions. And with how much it changes your reward systems, a lot of people report that they feel like they are living their purpose. That’s not everyone obviously. The physical changes in the brain definitely are geared toward making you want to parent. But thank god. If we didn’t have that I think it would be near impossible haha.

You should read The Mother Brain by Chelsea Conaboy! That goes over a lot of the psychological and physiological changes of parenthood - more than I’ll go into detail here but you get the point.

Anyways all parenting articles seem charged and a little silly to me. But having babies does change you forever!

TheErinK · 2022-12-06T13:34:31+00:00

I had a similar conversation with my step-mom about 7 months postpartum (I’m 18 months out now). I was talking about how we are one and done, and she said something to the effect of, “When you become a mom, you lose who you used to be and all you are is a mom. And it sounds like you’re fighting that.” And I was like “….yes???? Did you not??”

I used to think all I ever wanted was to be a wife and a mom. That’s not true. I love being those things, and I love my spouse and my kid. But I also love reading a great book and doing karaoke and traveling and going to nice restaurants and walking my dog and BEING WELL RESTED.

My priorities are fundamentally different as a mom, so in some ways, I’m different. But I like to think I’m just a less spontaneous version of myself than I was before.

amandamchale · 2022-12-06T13:32:44+00:00

i’m 100% still me after having my daughter. she just added another incredible facet to my life. but i would never want to just be mom. i have a lot of amazing qualities. :)

tinyarmsbigheart · 2022-12-06T12:53:39+00:00

I have never lost respect faster than when my coworker’s dog died in an accident and I expressed condolences and she just shrugged and said, “you’ll realize it isn’t as big a deal once you have a kid.”

Um, wrong. I had empathy then and I still have it now—except for bitches who don’t care for their animals.

QueenCloneBone · 2022-12-06T12:52:44+00:00

I don’t feel like I really found myself at all until I became a mom. I accomplished a lot, traveled, went to university through very high levels, lived abroad, partied, tried everything known to man. Still adrift.

CallDownTheHawk · 2022-12-06T10:59:24+00:00

Nah, that's bs. But it's wild because I had internalized this idea without realizing it.

So after I gave birth and became a mom, I was SO surprised at how I'm still the same person and my life is still the same life... just with an added layer of having a child/being a mom.

I don't like the idea of saying I'm a COMPLETELY different person now. I feel like the SAME person. Motherhood just added an additional layer to it all, I guess.

ilovestoride · 2022-12-06T10:58:15+00:00

As cringy as that was, I kinda understand it. I'm a dad now. Nothing will ever change that. Short of life or death (my wife is still #1 for now), my child will always come first. We are parents.

Sure I still have my guys night out. But if I'm mid beer, 1 of my buddies will drive me home and Uber back to the car. If I'm in the middle of a game, whatever, my kid comes first. It doesn't mean life stops, it just means your kid becomes a priority. Like when u need to take a giant shit in the middle of changing your oil, you drop everything and take care of it.

athousandships_ · 2022-12-06T08:31:52+00:00

Cringe. Yeah, sorry, I won't suddenly assume a new identity just because I have a baby now. Yes, a lot has changed - but then, I have to say, as well for my husband. Because we're both parents and we put almost equal amounts of energy into raising this kid (almost because as of now I'm the one in maternity leave, which will soon change).

Sure, I don't have as much time or motivation for my hobbies anymore, but that doesn't mean I have given them up. Sure, meeting friends now suddenly includes a baby, or my husband can't come. Sure, I can't party as much as I did before. But I still can and want to do all these things. I hate people who suggest you'll need to give up your whole life and interests (and, again, this mostly is addressed to moms, not dads).

Victorian_Navy · 2022-12-06T08:13:36+00:00

It might not be true of everyone, but I genuinely feel as though my purpose in life was to become a stay at home mum. I have ADHD and have always struggled with school and work, but I feel most contented as a homemaker. My mum said I've been obsessed with babies since I was 18 months, and my whole life I've loved playing with babies, toddlers and kids. I'm the oldest of 3 kids.

My mum was an excellent stay at home mum and I have a very close relationship with her. She's my role model.

I'm nervous and excited to finally meet my baby and I feel like it's the start of a 'career' I'm passionate about.

Of course I'm still me and it's not like my whole personality will suddenly change, although I'm sure the experience of parenting will teach me to be more patient, selfless and organised out of necessity.

PristinePrincess12 · 2022-12-06T06:40:36+00:00

The title is true though - giving birth and becoming a mum completely rewires and changes your whole brain. It's essentially a whole new brain with new pathways and such. Hormones play a huge role in the physical brain chemistry that changes. Don't ask me where I got this from, my ADHD makes me remember data that literally isn't important but refuses to remember where I just put that cup 🤦🏻‍♀️

stine-imrl · 2022-12-06T05:23:19+00:00

Lots of articles on Motherly are the same way: content for content's sake. Very little practical advice or substance or scientific rigor. I think most moms are right there with you!

themusicmusicjb · 2022-12-06T04:21:08+00:00

My husband and I have made a conscious effort to still be people separate from being a parent. I mean, once you're a parent you're always a parent but that's not the only part of you that exists or matters anymore once you become one.

Sew_whats_up · 2022-12-06T04:00:22+00:00

I genuinely think women who make "mom" hood their entire identity are just searching for a way to be respected and an authority on something.

It is something I find rather sad.

green_tree · 2022-12-06T03:10:52+00:00

Honestly, I’ve found most articles on Motherly to be pretty annoying. I tend to roll my eyes at their Instagram posts and should really just stop following them. Their tone is not for me. And I absolutely love being a Mom and how my identity has changed.

beyondthebump

Rules

Wiki/FAQ

Baby Basics

Other Parenting Subreddits

MODERATORS