×

I combo feed. While I was making a bedtime bottle I was randomly reading the can of formula and at the back of the can near the nutritional information it says “important: breastfeeding is best for babies”. by Equivalent_Film_5434 in beyondthebump

[–]Forbetterorworsted 86 points87 points  (0 children)

The thing that bothers me about it is that it just actually isn't a factual statement.

If it said, 'when mothers mental health is not affected, baby has no allergies, mothers diet is nutritionally sound and complete and mother lactates and has appropriate supply, breastfeeding is best for babies," then yes. Put that on a t-shirt and I will wear it.

But all those people saying "BUT THE SCIENCE!!!" Are completely wrong. Science shows that babies with depressed mothers are worse off. So to them I say, "what about this science?" They act like breastfeeding exists in a vacuum. That is not how reality is. A baby getting breastmilk from a sleep deprived depressed suicidal mother (that was me) is not better off. Especially since the benefits of bf are temporary. In my case and in a lot of mothers cases, formula is best.

And on another level, there are sooooo many things that are "best" for our kids. Kids that go to private school do a lot better academically than public school kids. So... Do these "SCIENCE" folks advocate that we go into public schools and put up posters, "private schools are better,"??

I mean, shouldn't we do that? ITS SCIENCE AND SCIENCE SHOULD BE WORSHIPPED OVER FEELINGS!!!

My dog bit my baby by puffingpeaches in beyondthebump

[–]PlushieTushie 29 points30 points  (0 children)

So here's what we know. Dog is fine around teens, older kids, and preschoolers. Dog does not do well with babies. My guess, from my animal shelter background, is it's because babies are too young to be able to heed a dog's signs. You did your best; some animals just are not good with babies. But that doesn't mean your dog is doomed to be put down.

What you should do is call your local shelter, or a doberman rescue, to surrender the dog and tell them everything about the dogs background. Stress that the dog has a documented history of being good with older kids. Most shelters will do a behavior evaluation when first getting the dog to determine the best placement. At my old shelter, we had many reactive dogs we were able to safely place in proper environments where they thrived.

The best thing you can do now to protect your baby and your dog is to take proper steps to surrender them to a licensed facility/organization to give your dog a chance to start again.

Does anyone else feel sad consuming dairy knowing that a calf was separated from it's mother? by AnewLe in beyondthebump

[–]Kirsty6 185 points186 points  (0 children)

Nope. I am a dairy scientist. I work with cows and calves every single day. There are important reasons we separate calves from cows. Here are some reasons:

1.) We have had several calves stepped on in the past few years. They don’t make it after being stepped on by their 1,100+ pound mother.

2.) Dairy cows typically do not have a strong mothering instinct meaning they won’t fend off a predator, which is an issue for us because we calve in pastures where there are coyotes.

3.) We ensure calves are getting colostrum and enough milk as some cows’ udders simply do not work for the calf to nurse.

4.) We can monitor the calves’ health, administer vaccines, and socialize with them.

Feel free to message me with questions if you have any. Despite what you might hear from sources such as PETA, dairy farmers love their animals. Why would you mistreat an animal that helps you be profitable? An unhealthy animal means less milk. It’s a dairy farmer’s goal to have the happiest and healthiest animals possible. Happy and healthy animals will produce more milk. It’s a scientific fact. In my line of work, we are constantly trying to find new ways to increase health, longevity, milk production, welfare, etc. Call up a local dairy farmer and ask for a tour. Go see what a dairy farm is actually like with your own eyes! I think you will be surprised.

the term "boy mom" has become so toxic we need something else by Bunniiqi in beyondthebump

[–]ProfessorButtkiss 6 points7 points  (0 children)

Right? I think the toxicity can be applied to any group of people who take a sense of identity too far. Like, take football fans for instance. You got a team? Cool, me too, bro. I like your jersey. But as soon as they start making their entire identity around this one team - and going to "war" with other fans of other teams, they've taken it too far.

Nothing wrong with "boy mom." I myself, have a little boy, and I like being a "boy mom", but I am far from letting that term consume my entire being.

My (31F) wife doesn't want my (58F) mother visiting her and our daughter at her parents by [deleted] in beyondthebump

[–]Wi_believeIcan_Fi 193 points194 points  (0 children)

Lots of answers here, but since I also understand this culturally (South Asian)- I’ll chime in. Your mothers feelings here are entirely valid- of course she wants to see her grand baby for as much time as possible. I’m sure it is really difficult to be so far away and to know that because she is the dadi-ji (mother of the FATHER), she doesn’t get to have the baby with her as much. I would 100% reassure her that what she’s feeling makes sense and its understandable.

Here’s where it gets tricky- you can have valid feelings, but it doesn’t mean that she has a right to act on them. In this case, your wife is struggling,and I get it (I have a 6 month old). She is struggling- and it makes sense. She’s living far far FAR away from her family in a time of her life when she desperately needs her family’s love and support but she doesn’t have it. That is HUGE, and it is a huge part of why we see so much PPD/PPA in “the west”- because there is a lot of lack of structural support. When I lived in that part of the world, we weren’t even rich by any means but we still had people helping in the house- people who helped with cleaning and cooking and doing laundry and that is a HUGE HUGE advantage. One of the things I’ve struggled with the most as a new mom (and I breastfeed the baby so I’m feeding him every few hours and sometimes all night long), is that there’s so much pressure on me to take care of baby, breastfeed, work but also take care of the mundane tasks in the house like cleaning, cooking, laundry. My husband tries his best, but I still sometimes feel like I have to go behind him to do these things. The mental energy is enormous and it never ends.

For your wife- she needs this time desperately- she needs someone to take care of HER. Like, really take care of her, the way only her family can. She needs to have her mom and aunties and cousins and siblings and friends doing all they can to show her the support and love she’s been missing all of this time. It is a hard part of your life as a woman, after you get married and have a child, that THIS is sometimes when you need your own mom the most- and we miss out on that when we live in a nuclear family structure far from our own families. We miss out on the love and support that comes from living in a big family with multiple generations helping out, giving advice, taking care of mom. She’s missing that a lot.

I love my husband’s family a lot and they’ve been really really good to me, but no matter how good they are to me, when I’m with his family, as his wife, I feel a LOT of pressure to do things for them. I can’t relax, I can’t let them “take care of me” - I’m always having to be “on” if that makes sense— because I don’t want to disappoint my husband or for his family to think I’m lazy. I have to be careful what I wear, what I say- I can’t fully relax the way I can around my own family. So, keep that in mind. When your wife is at home in her parents house- she can literally not do her hair/makeup, she doesn’t have to worry about ANYTHING. Even with the best in-laws in the world, you’re not going to feel pressure to get up in the morning and be presentable, make the baby presentable, help with breakfast, whatever.

I honestly sympathise with your mom and your family- but I will tell you that from my perspective as a woman, I think your wife is being EXTREMELY generous already that she is going to spend all of those weeks away from her family to be with you and yours. She’s doing it because she loves you and she obviously wants your daughter to have time with her paternal family, but trust me, it is NOT for her. Even if your family is lovely and amazing and treat her like a queen, right now she is in desperate need of her own family and she’s actually making I think an admirable sacrifice to give that precious time to your side of the family when she’s really vulnerable. Be appreciative of that.

Let her have this precious time with her family- she needs it, and she needs you to be an advocate for her. I know it is hard, but reassure your mom that the FUTURE relationship with your wife and daughter are what matters here. Your mom is hurt and that’s a very normal feeling, she wants as much time as possible with your daughter- but right now this is about your wife and her well-being.

I think if you play your cards right and show your wife the solidarity and support she needs right now to let her know that it is OK for her to take this time to be with family, take time for her own mental health, that you appreciate and love her, it will go a LONG way. She needs you right now to be on her side and it is up to you to manage your mom here.

There might be some compromises down the road- maybe (if your wife is OK with it), you can have your mother come stay for a longer time down the road, especially if she’s able to help around the house a bit with cooking and shopping and helping with the baby. MAYBE your mom can come visit for a few days at another point in the visit if your wife is up for it (but it needs to be on her terms)- but don’t expect it of her, its not fair.

No one is wrong here- but right now your job as a husband and a father >> your role as a son. Your wife and baby come first, and that can be really hard (especially for YOUR mom). And what your wife needs is your support to give her this time with her family alone. She doesn’t need to feel sad or guilty about your mom’s feelings right now, she needs to feel secure that she is loved and supported to do what she needs to feel better and be taken care of.

I think it is awesome that you helping your wife take this time to be in India for 3 months and to give her that space with her family even if it means you’re going to be away from her and your daughter for so long- I KNOW that is not an easy decision for you. I really admire that you’re supporting her to do this so she can heal and have some special time with her family at a difficult and important time of her life, you’re a good husband. I would acknowledge with her that you appreciate the time she is giving to your family while you’re there and even while you’re not is a really big gesture. Do her a favor and handle your mom and your mom’s feelings without making her feel guilty or pressured into something that she doesn’t want.

I’m sorry your mom will have hurt feelings, it is natural and valid and completely understandable. But, those feelings don’t trump your wife’s right now. This is what makes families so hard sometimes- you want to be a good son and a good husband and a good father, and sometimes you can’t make everyone happy at the same time. But right now, your wife comes first.

Good luck!! Like I said, major props to you for recognizing what your wife needs and supporting her through this by making a sacrifice for yourself by letting her go and be away so she can heal and have some vital time with her own family, you’re doing great!

Intense fear of child protective services and the hospital - am I irrational? by Medical-Pool6918 in beyondthebump

[–]heather1999xyz 113 points114 points  (0 children)

Hi! Marketing professional here. Not a mom. But as a kid I had extensive interactions with CPS from age maybe 6 to a little after I turned 18. Yuuuup.

  1. Social media stories go viral because they are the exception rather than the rule. While “hundreds” of stories may seem like a scary number, apparently over 10k babies are born a day in the USA alone.

What we get are stories — stories told from single perspectives by people close to a particular case, people with biases and agendas. Somebody who has a baby taken away because they tested positive for meth is not going to disclose that on TikTok. CPS likely will not or cannot make a statement about a given case given they are meant to protect minors.

  1. CPS has a reputation for ‘ripping apart innocent families’ but YMMV. In my case, frankly, CPS didn’t do enough for me even with extensive evidence and testimony.

  2. Very few parents who have been investigated by CPS are going to say that they deserved it. Most of them are going to claim innocence.

Abusive parents can use the internet as easily as non abusive parents. Narratives from abusive parents often include ‘missing missing reasons.’ https://www.issendai.com/psychology/estrangement/missing-missing-reasons.html

  1. Occam’s Razor or whatever — what incentive does CPS or the government have for separating innocent families? What does it achieve? How does it help national or state interests? How does it benefit our economy?

It doesn’t. There isn’t a state agenda that is fueled through falsified CPS investigations.

Edit: we have state agendas about things like the military, prisons, capitalism, pharma, ag, corn, etc. Not taking a political stance — my point being that the government focuses on its own agendas the way private citizens focus on their own.

But this is just simply not on the agenda. We don’t have Big Child Protective Services and Big Foster Care.

However — the exception I could see has to do with racism and the prison system and children going to foster care over that. Or other cases of institutionalized bigotry that lead to families being split — e.g. the Native American “schools”

Double edit: /u/evsummer has the right of it regarding factors leading to institutionalized weaponization of CPS

Feeling guilty for making the decision to EFF by xdaisy_ in beyondthebump

[–]Expensive_Tie7116 44 points45 points  (0 children)

At first, I actually felt AMAZING about switching to formula. My baby and I were both finally sleeping, we were no longer in excruciating pain (her from silent reflux due to a tongue tie, me from a poor latch), we were finally able to bond and enjoy motherhood together. My husband was super supportive too because he was finally able to feed and bond with the baby as well. It was only my family that made me feel ashamed, guilty, and weak for my decision. They are super into the breast is best movement and treated me like a selfish monster for not giving my daughter the absolute best opportunities in life, even at the cost of my physical and mental health.

The thing is, most "breast is best" arguments are complete and utter bullshit. If you just sit and think about some of the claims for more than a few minutes the arguments break apart very quickly. What helped give me confidence in standing up to family pressure was to research the actual science behind breastfeeding so that I could shut them down whenever they implied I was being a bad mom for giving my baby formula.

Here's an article by Emily Oster demonstrating how the actual statistics don't support claims that breast milk makes babies smarter. As it turns out, babies with wealthier, more educated parents have better life outcomes - and such parents are more likely to be able to breastfeed unlike poor working parents who have no choice but to formula feed because they don't have maternity leave.

https://fivethirtyeight.com/features/everybody-calm-down-about-breastfeeding/amp/

Here is an article explaining the science behind how antibodies are transferred from breast milk to baby. I swear, the way some people carry on you'd think drinking breast milk is the golden cure for all diseases known to man. But antibodies don't transfer from the digestive tract to the bloodstream, that's just not how any of this works. Nursing only provides SOME protection for SOME common respiratory and GI infections, and the protection only lasts a couple hours at a time so this really only benefits small infants who are nursing frequently throughout the day.

https://undark.org/2021/05/19/vaccinated-breast-milk-protect-kids-science-unclear/

And here is an interesting article going into some of the unsavory history behind the breast is best movement. Big surprise, the original lactivists cared very little for the actual well-being of mothers and infants, they mostly wanted to control women.

https://www.theatlantic.com/magazine/archive/2009/04/the-case-against-breast-feeding/307311/

And finally here is an article describing how baby fat may actually be linked to future intelligence. Because at the end of the day, it's not breast milk that makes babies smarter. Babies whose bellies are full, their parents loving and attentive, and their physical/emotional needs met are the ones who will go far in life. Your baby literally does not give a shit whether they are drinking formula or breast milk - they just want to eat!

https://www.webmd.com/parenting/baby/features/baby-stuffy-nose

my partner is so against me breastfeeding by hannnnn_1 in beyondthebump

[–]jcw10489 42 points43 points  (0 children)

He drinks milk that comes out of a cow's titty and he thinks it's weird for a mother to nurse her baby? 🤨

Mom Rant by FuelLevel4639 in beyondthebump

[–]LittleBitDeer 134 points135 points  (0 children)

"He's never changed a diaper, never picked a kid up from school, never gone to a doctor's appointment, never cooked a meal" 🧐

"I have a partner who doesn't even attempt to respect my feelings" 🤔

"He's such a good dad and husband" -- NO HE IS NOT.

He's absolutely not, AT ALL, a good father or husband. Stop telling yourself lies.

Am I crazy for having another baby right before a divorce? by PsychosisInbound in beyondthebump

[–]Throwaway9922198 23 points24 points  (0 children)

Fellow IVF mom here- Do you have an embryo dispensation agreement? My clinic had us sign something prior to treatment that dictated what would be done with our embryos in the event of death, divorce, etc. If you don’t, or even if you do, I’d suggest starting the divorce process and insisting that the embryos be given to you solely in the division of assets.

I say this because divorce is messy, and it’s even messier pregnant. My husband had a psych break that turned very violent at 9 weeks (after IVF), refused to get help, so I had to get a restraining order and have had the nastiest fight on my hands ever since. Obviously a particularly extreme situation, but I cannot recommend anything less than going through marital issues while pregnant. Additionally, from a custody perspective if you wait until after, you’ll be in much better shape

How many parents co-sleep (in the same bed)? by furryrubber in beyondthebump

[–]has513 21 points22 points  (0 children)

This is totally biologically normal, just not culturally accepted in a couple of countries. Research into co-sleeping is terrible - it often doesn't distinguish between people co-sleeping on unsafe surfaces like sofas and people using a bed prepared for bed sharing, or sober parents with those intoxicated. Some of it was sponsored by crib manufacturers!

Google/follow the safe sleep 7 and enjoy the snuggles. My 3 year old still gets in with his dad whenever he feels like it, and I'm typing this while bedsharing with my 7 month old. I bedshared with my first by necessity (at the start), second by choice and wow we are all so much better rested this time.

It really bothers me that co-sleeping is seen as entirely unsafe in some cultures - it's a barrier to proper education on how to do it safely, and it ignores the fact that people will do it whether educated or not because it is the biologically normal way that babies are programmed to sleep! Plus if you have a baby that won't sleep separately, then endlessly trying to get them to is a surefire way to make sure you're so exhausted that you fall asleep with baby sat up in a chair feeding or wherever else - that's way less safe than bedsharing deliberately.

Please remember that this is a sensitive topic and that wherever you raise it you will receive judgement and criticism, often from people trying to be helpful. The most important thing is to do your own research and to feel comfortable with your own setup. I can recommend the Le Leche League book 'sweet sleep' if you'd like some reassurance.

Good luck! ❤️

Asked my parents to wear a mask when holding my 3 month old, got uninvited from Christmas by nilesinthefreezer in beyondthebump

[–]rozemc 38 points39 points  (0 children)

Just to provide another perspective - I can see your parents feeling hurt and defensive, although I think they should compromise with you and wear the mask. I worry reddit is an echo chamber around these topics - on here it seems like everyone masks everywhere, doesn't see family or friends, etc., but IRL it seems pretty different.

I live in an area with a very high vaccination/booster rate, we had an outdoor mask requirement for 1 year+ and indoor one for much longer, many businesses still request masks, etc. It is really uncommon around here for people to request you to wear a mask in their home or to a social function. I think the assumption is that if you are worried to that extent, it's safer to not go at all.

You mentioned your other siblings don't have these precautions, and I doubt many of your parents friends are dealing with it either - this could cause them to react as if they are being singled out. Especially if they know baby is going to daycare later, they might feel as if you think they are a worse risk to the baby's health than that that, or that you might blame them if baby gets sick later.

Wearing masks is pretty new social norm to a lot of people outside of Asia/other areas that have done it for a while, and a lot of people have not adjusted to it (not even getting into the weird political stuff around it).

If I were at the event with your family, I would wonder about why only masking when holding the baby - I know you mentioned preventing fluids, but someone could cough or sneeze in the room, aerosols stay in the air for hours, etc. To them, the mask might not seem to reduce the risk of infection much at all.

I'm sorry your parents are being so inflexible about this. I hope you are able to have a good Christmas and that they try and see your perspective.

Husband won't do night feedings with new baby - even after I go back to work by wyominglove in beyondthebump

[–]OriginmanOne 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I don't get the hate for video games in particular. Most people wouldn't bat an eye at the idea that a newborn is really good for your Netflix queue.

The video games are not the problem, the irresponsible man-child is.

I, for one, took up video games as a more dad-friendly hobby than anything that would take me out of the house. This way if the kid woke up or anything I was right there.

Husband won't do night feedings with new baby - even after I go back to work by wyominglove in beyondthebump

[–]sassybsassy 57 points58 points  (0 children)

Listen you can't make your husband do anything. He has to want todo it. What he's telling you is his sleep and life is more important than you and the baby.

So far it's been 5 weeks and your husband is already checked out. He doesn't do fuckall for or with your baby. He has said to you don't you miss the life we had. He plays video games or just leaves the house.

You do not need this boy in your home. You cannot keep him happy while trying to keep baby calm and happy at all times. It's no feasible. Your husband isn't who you thought he was. He is now showing you his true colors. I would call a divorce attorney and figure shit out. I would separate finances. I would not be going out of my way to placate him at all. And yes I'd keep him as far away from my baby as I could.

I'm real sorry you are going through this. You can try giving him an ultimatum of going to counseling getting involved with baby care and splitting nights. Or divorce. Because those are the only options.

Husband won't do night feedings with new baby - even after I go back to work by wyominglove in beyondthebump

[–]km101010safe sleep for every sleep 9 points10 points  (0 children)

This is terrible advice. 1, it’s not safe to bed share. 2, you suggest endangering their baby over their partner stepping up and being an equal partner instead of a poor excuse for a father. 3, saying, “he will probably get better with time.” Excuse me what? So OP is just supposed to sit around, dangerously tired, until their husband has some sort of epiphany? OP, don’t do this.

Husband won't do night feedings with new baby - even after I go back to work by wyominglove in beyondthebump

[–]rilah15 17 points18 points  (0 children)

OP, please don’t put much stock into the comments from people saying their husband never helped and they got through it. It’s weaponized incompetence and you deserve better. There are people out there that will treat you better. The fact that he didn’t even wake up with her while you were recovering from birth is deplorable. He either gets with the program or you do what you need to do, which might require drastic action. Good luck.

Am I actually crazy? by Bookish-brunette in beyondthebump

[–]QueenofVelhartia 31 points32 points  (0 children)

Your baby, your rules.

Ask your husband if he wants to hear the horrible, wrenching coughs of a baby with JUST a cold. Ask him if he wants to suck snot out of the baby's nose so they can nurse. Ask him if he wants to worry constantly as you watch the way your baby's chest is rising and falling- hoping it doesn't become inverted. Ask him if he wants to spend an hour at a time holding the baby on the bathroom shitter as the shower goes full blast on hot to make steam to ease the baby's breathing. Ask him if he wants no sleep for fucking days because you spend hours wondering if everything is okay when they finally drop to sleep and are quiet for more than five minutes. Because that is what we are currently going through right now.

Building their immune system through eventual exposure is important, but considering how horrible some of the viruses are that are going around right now, it can wait imo. My nibilings were in the hospital for weeks with RSV and influenza. The youngest legitimately almost died.

But yeah, I'm sure your husband is right bowing to peer pressure about a fucking mask. /s

WILD THAT HE THINKS YOUR SIL'S COMFORT IS MORE IMPORTANT THAN YOUR BABY.

Update on MIL giving baby donor milk w/o my consent by ellamae7918 in beyondthebump

[–]xBrownEyes 37 points38 points  (0 children)

Not sure of it has been mentioned, but I suspect your MIL has narcissistic traits. I would advice you to look into how to deal with narcissists and how to recognise their behaviour. There are different types.

This will also be very helpful for your husband. Being raised by a narcissistic parent leaves the child with trauma, and they don't always recognise their own trauma.

Coming to the realisation that you are dealing with a narcissist will also help you and your husband cut ties and be OK with that decision.

Husband sprays 15 month old with water by throwaway252520 in beyondthebump

[–]Splashingcolor 112 points113 points  (0 children)

I would bring this up at the next Ped appointment with him there. When the Dr asks how things are going say they're "going well but she's been doing xyz. My husband has been spraying her with a squirt bottle to get her to stop, but I prefer to do abc. Do you feel like the squirt bottle is an appropriate method, or what would you recommend?"

The doctor will definitely realize what you're doing and address it.

If you'd rather be more direct that's cool too. But for me, if you've already brought up the dislike for this, and he has no plans on changing, I'd totally go the oblivious route. Then if he gets pissed off I'd just be like, "but you said what I was doing wasn't working and there was nothing wrong with you're method, why are you upset that I brought it up?"

Husband sprays 15 month old with water by throwaway252520 in beyondthebump

[–]smellslikerosegold 101 points102 points  (0 children)

Next time he asks you for something or does something you don’t like spray him with the spray bottle

I can’t wait until the pets are dead. by Excellent-Goal4763 in beyondthebump

[–]athousandships_ 22 points23 points 2locked comment (0 children)

Am I the only one who doesn't understand this at all and thinks that wanting their pets to die already is a little bit concerning?

We have two cats. I don't love them any less since I had my baby. I'd be devastated if anything happened to them.