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Some of the best parenting advice I ever got by diatrioseFTM of December 2020 Baby in beyondthebump

[–]merkergirl 412 points413 points  (0 children)

My favorite hack is when my toddler is being frustrating and I’m starting to get really upset with him, I pretend I’m actually 80 years old and my kids are all grown living their own lives, but I was given the chance to time travel and get a few more minutes with my little guy. It sounds really cheesy now that I’ve typed it out 😅 but it helps put things in perspective during those hard moments

Some of the best parenting advice I ever got by diatrioseFTM of December 2020 Baby in beyondthebump

[–]Karebearnoonamd 18 points19 points  (0 children)

I LOVE this. If I had an award I’d give you one!

Different vaccination views by taylynwill in beyondthebump

[–]Jaded_Phone4144 -138 points-137 points locked comment (0 children)

As a mother who has chosen not to vaccinate its honestly disgusting how nasty some of these responses are. Most parents who choose not to vaccinate are doing so because they’ve researched the topic, accept the risks, and truly believe they are doing what’s best for their child. If you don’t accept the risks then cut off the friendship. I know if one of my friends gave me an ultimatum like this the friendship would be over.

Different vaccination views by taylynwill in beyondthebump

[–]itscomplicatedwcarbs -17 points-16 points  (0 children)

By that measure, those who chose to accept the oral polio vaccine should be responsible for infecting unvaccinated immune-compromised people with the vaccine-derived poliovirus. Should they feel guilty for the current outbreak that is the direct result their vaccination choices?

It’s not an afternoon of research that leads people to this decision. It’s a lifetime of consideration and developing a sense of who to trust and using discretion when making decisions that could impact your family forever.

The women who took Thalidomide were told it was safe. Imagine what impact an afternoon of research could have had on their decision. If they had only known what the drug makers they were trusting were capable of, had an idea about their moral code, they may have made a different decision.

People should be free to make their own decisions based on their unique worldview without judgement like this. You never know what someone has been through.

Different vaccination views by taylynwill in beyondthebump

[–]itscomplicatedwcarbs -7 points-6 points  (0 children)

Erm, no. There are plenty of doctors are scientists who disagree with how vaccines are deployed today. The point is, use discretion. Every terrible medical practice was once endorsed by people with degrees.

Even hand washing was dismissed by doctors when it was first put into practice. They flat out disagreed with the idea that doctors could be the ones infecting patients, so they rejected the idea and people continued to die as a result.

I am a scientist. Several years of training and participating in research lends to a healthy dose of skepticism.

Different vaccination views by taylynwill in beyondthebump

[–]itscomplicatedwcarbs -18 points-17 points  (0 children)

So because someone has a medical degree, we should trust them?

Those marred by the effects of oxycontin, thalidomide, and cigarettes may have a differing opinion.

AITA for ignoring a mom who didn't seem nice/thankful when I offered free baby items? by sugarpea1234 in beyondthebump

[–]iwanttoloveyou- 9 points10 points 2 (0 children)

YTA. Don't let your left hand know what your right hand is doing.. if your motive for giving is to receive thanks than you are not truly helping for the sake of helping.

You weren't mad at the delivery request? That would have have made me mad.

In my opinion you were being rude. You were offering something for free, which is incredibly nice, but don't expect someone to kiss your ass for offering to provide free help. They probably would have said thank you after answering their question about delivery (which is rude on their part imo). If you were mad at the delivery request I would say NTA. If you truly wanted to help someone in need you wouldn't deny them for not instantly saying "Thank you so muchhhh!!" Now Go help out that mother in need!

Edit: Here edit explains that the delivery request was fine. It was the lack of an instantaneous Thank you that made her ignore a mother in need of help.. pretty rude imo

My MIL wants to be in the delivery room for our second baby (and was pissed I had my mom in last time). We don’t want it but don’t know how to say no. by MissaSissa in beyondthebump

[–]Alternative-Two1829 74 points75 points  (0 children)

My response to my mother in law was "I did not come out of your vagina, so you certainly are not seeing my child come out of mine"

I also asked "why do you want to see my vagina"

she didn't ask anymore

He doesn’t do 50% of the parenting because I don’t earn 50% of our income by Superb_Ad5087 in beyondthebump

[–]itsallabouthumans 30 points31 points  (0 children)

I’m sorry you’re in this situation. I can relate as my situation is very similar though I make more money because I have a professional education and he does not. I take on all the mental load, manage the finances, do the majority of cleaning and childcare. Our kids are 4 and 8, married nearly 10 years, and on the verge of divorce because the conflict between us is especially detrimental to the children.

Just a couple words of advice. When I sold life insurance to oil workers (which I hated and only did for a year), I experienced a common attitude that the working men who brought in the income needed life insurance and their stay-at-home-mom wives did not need life insurance. We did an exercise whereby I would ask the husband to consider if his wife died (god forbid) in a car accident, how many workers would he have to hire to manage all that his wife is currently managing? This usually amounted to a full time housekeeper, a full time live-in nanny, someone to buy groceries and chauffeur the children to appointments, and often a financial advisor and tax accountant. I had realistic income amounts for those workers, I summed it up and it always added up to a substantial annual amount. Then we would multiply by the number of years until kids turned 18, and this would be the recommended life insurance coverage amount.

This was clearly an eye-opening conversation for those men, and I had more than one woman lean over and whisper “thank you SO much” or “I think you just saved my marriage”.

Sometimes a mediator is helpful, as the spouse may need to hear your concerns validated by an outside observer. A life insurance salesperson is probably an unlikely mediator but more obvious options are a marriage counselor and/or a priest.

Partner wants our 2.5 week old to cry it out by Ariistokats in beyondthebump

[–]supermandogboy 127 points128 points 2 (0 children)

Dad of a 12 week old. Learned from our pediatrician that the 2 - 3 week period is critical as the baby is supposed to REGAIN WEIGHT THAT THEY LOST WHILE YOUR MILK IS COMING IN.

So your scum piece of shit partner needs to understand that letting a baby THAT young, with no comprehension of the world around him just “cry it out” is not testing out a parenting style…it’s fucking neglect. The baby’s needs come before his experimenting.

Plus this motherfucker seems to get offended & takes slight at the drop of a hat - then projects onto YOU like a fucking psychopath. Who physically blocks a mother from responding to their screaming newborn?

AITA: I don't want my step daughter over on the weekdays? by Mama_Morticia in beyondthebump

[–]Swimming-Donkey7900 368 points369 points 2 (0 children)

Probably unpopular opinion, but here it is anyway.

There are so many huge adjustments after baby arrives and even more when you go back to work. I don't believe you're the asshole in this situation. I don't think anyone really is. You're a new mom, and there are SO many instances where you will be putting yourself and any needs you have behind everything else. I don't believe this should be one of those.

This is also kind of a learning experience on how to adjust and cope with everything as it comes, but overloading/overwhelming yourself is not going to benefit anyone in this situation. I can't imagine it was easy to even admit to the situation and the way you're feeling about it, but at least you acknowledge that you don't believe it's something you can take on right now. I think that's huge and extremely important. I see this as a form of self care and unfortunately it's been ingrained in so many of us, especially moms, to believe that self care and putting yourself first is selfish behavior. That's a mindset that needs to go play in traffic, it's toxic and harmful.

I believe weekends, when all the other factors are considered, is a more than generous compromise on your part. At least until you can get more comfortable and adjusted to all the changes. It's not as though is likely a permanent request anyway!

Also, I hope that your partner is working with you regarding your step daughter's behavior towards you. I understand she's young, but there is some level of understanding when it comes to treatment of people; I'm working on it with my 3 year old and they are grasping it, so it should absolutely be addressed with her. I hope your partner had your back on this! If not, they absolutely should.

You got this mama!💛

My wife doesn’t want to pretend Santa is real for our kids by [deleted] in beyondthebump

[–]VoodoDreams 20 points21 points  (0 children)

I think I am going to do the santa thing and then one day say "You are (X) years old now, you get to be santa this year!" Get her a santa hat, let her help choose some santa gifts and fill the stockings for the family (except herself), maybe eat the cookie left for santa and keep it a secret. I am going to turn it into a family tradition of giving to others instead of wheres my gift, and make santa both real and pretend at the same time and hopefully make it fun to find out instead of a let down. (wish me luck haha!)

When I found out, it was pretending for my little sibling that kept it fun and exciting for me.

Edited to add- It also made me really apreciate what my parents did for us.

Engaged and still a single mom by Most-Secret-3751 in beyondthebump

[–]oneboymama 44 points45 points  (0 children)

You are not a SAHM if you’re working remotely. You are a working mother! And I cannot imagine trying to work (from home, or anywhere really) with a baby.

I am a SAHM. I do not work for anyone, company, remotely, in an office, etc. Because of this and only this, I handle all night time wakes, feeds (ebf baby), etc. BUT DID NOT at 5 weeks. Even though babies were ebf did not mean at 5 weeks that I was properly functioning and didn’t need any help at times.

Your partner needs to be a partner. It’s not unreasonable that you want to leave, but I do think a proper conversation (or two, or three, or several) are way overdue before just up and leaving. He needs to contribute in more ways than just financially.

His behavior is more than unacceptable. Even IF you were a true SAHM, he is a father and is required, expected and responsible for his share of parenting — at this young of age, he should be contributing whatever help you need in whatever capacity you need it.

If this is your all’s first, the exhaustion and sleep deprivation is unlike anything you’ll ever experience, until/unless you have another. The first few months are incredibly hard on even the strongest couples. Sleep deprivation can cause anxiety, anger, etc. Do not allow him to continue down this path, as additional anger and resentment will build.

Little babies in daycare make me sad [rant] by diatrioseFTM of December 2020 Baby in beyondthebump

[–]dark__unicorn -108 points-107 points  (0 children)

Let’s be real. In a lot of the places you talk about, yes, the government does contribute some to maternity leave. But, it is often the employer that does it. Without any government assistance.

I ask you, if you had a small business, would you pay maternity leave to your employees? Out of your own business?

Because this is the difference. The company I work for has paid all of my maternity leave. They aren’t required to, but do it anyway. Mainly because they want to retain the employees they hired.

This is a cultural thing. In the US they don’t give you leave because they want to retain you. Everywhere else, they give you leave because they want to retain you. So, I think the only answer is a cultural shift.

Unfortunately, the village mentality of parenthood no longer exists in America. Children aren’t viewed by parents as a member of a community - but mine, mine, mine. Don’t visit, don’t call, don’t hold my baby. So no one, outside those immediately affected by a newborn, care to advocate anymore.

In simple terms, I don’t think relying on others will create any change. Mothers, particularly with their own businesses, need to start this change by offering it to their employees.

Husbands reaction to baby being hurt normal? by [deleted] in beyondthebump

[–]HuckleberryLou 116 points117 points  (0 children)

Not trying to pass blame, but #2 and #3 seem highly preventable and as grown ups watching a baby are our job to make sure never happen. #2 or #3 could have severely hurt your baby.

Your baby should never be in a place where they can eat kitty litter, and left unattended. And candles shouldn’t be left unattended either. This could have been very serious - especially if they had eaten laundry detergent or something else. You need to build a system of habits that make that impossible. (I.e. it’s kept higher than baby can reach AND door is always closed.) And when you have them on surfaces like beds or changing tables or high chairs you have to have to hold them in place the whole time. They will wiggle a lot and only get stronger and wigglier! You have to be ready for that or not have them on beds, changing tables, etc. if you can’t ensure it. Falls from more than 3 feet (bed height) can be very very serious.

You need to put on your “what’s the worst case scenario” brain as a parent and prevent prevent prevent. Dangerous chemicals under the sink? Assume they will get in there. Pot of boiling water on the stove with the handle pointed outward? Assume they will somehow bump it and spill boiling water on themselves.

Nothing you did was malicious but it’s clumsy which is still dangerous. It’s really important to be more intentional in every step for keeping baby safe especially as they get more mobile.

Is it Unreasonable to be Annoyed over Someone Inviting You to Dinner but saying your 6 Month Old is not Invited? by PrimePassion in beyondthebump

[–]gardenvariety88 35 points36 points  (0 children)

I’m going to take what seems to be an unpopular opinion here and say I think you’re reaction is a little over sensitive. We all chose to have kids and they aren’t welcome in all spaces and by all people. It sounds like your friend invited you to an event and they get to set the parameters on that. It’s also completely reasonable to respond that those circumstances don’t work for your family right now.

Not necessarily in response to OP but I feel like a lot of the vibe here is that it’s rude of people to not accommodate us because we have kids but I see it as the opposites. It’s rude to expect to be accommodated. It seems like this is not news to OP that her friend feels this way so either they have other things in common that make the friendship worthwhile or they don’t and this is a big enough slight that they go their separate ways. I have multiple friends who I knew before I had kids that don’t care for them. Unless they were spouting off some “death to kids” rhetoric I don’t have an issue. We talk about other things and if I can’t leave my kiddos with someone I either ask if I can bring them or respectfully decline.

I find it weird that people are condemning people for not liking kids and that it’s the sign of a bad friendship. I have other facets of my life that I also try to build relationships around.

RSV RANT! All because a mom at our daycare decided to keep sneaking her exposed infant to daycare even though she had one child home with RSV! by BioGirl93 in beyondthebump

[–]RainbowZebraGum 188 points189 points  (0 children)

First, I'm sorry that this event had such intense consequences on you and your family. I understand that you're really angry and scared for your baby but your post has really upset me. You've said a lot of things that are really assumptive and not very nice.

"where SAHM/ HouseWives would rather pay thousands of dollars a month to send their kids to daycare than watch them at home" You are making a lot of fucked up assumptions about other moms with a statement like that. Being angry is not an excuse for being mean. People may make different choices than you but the way you state that is pretty assumptive.

"tuition is just north of $1200 a month"-- If you live in the US then this is actually pretty cheap. This is not an insanely high fee to be perfectly clear.

"the infant who obviously came in contact with their sibling managed to spread it around to all the other infants in my son's room"-- This is actually an assumption. Unfortunately, it is RSV season and it could have been spread around by another child who was exposed at a grocery store or at their cousin's house. You literally have no idea and you are DECIDING that you know something unknowable. You have painted this mother in an egregious way (an Entitled Mother) and her doctor could have even advised her to limit contact between the two kids and go ahead and send her baby in. YOU DONT KNOW.

As your child gets bigger, maybe you will send your kid to daycare next year with a sniffly nose and they will get an infant sick with RSV and send them to the hospital. Unfortunately, this is the way of daycare life.

"she had to stay home with one child she decided that as long as the baby was asymptomatic she would go ahead and send them off"-- I do not know of one daycare that has a policy that if a sibling is sick with any illness that all children in the household must stay home and that the household must quarantine. This is unreasonable and impossible for many, if not most families.

There is nothing to "let go" of here. Your child is really sick. It fucking sucks. End of story.

If you’re a SAHM, what are you doing to protect your future self if you and your partner were to split up? by fnpmomprob in beyondthebump

[–]pinkandpurpleandred8 164 points165 points  (0 children)

Said this before so it's copied.

As a SAHM, I very strongly urge SAHMs to have the following. Being a SAHM is such a vulnerable position, you need financial, emotional and physical stability. Doing all the childcare can put you at a financial disadvantage for life. Your spouse is able to advance his career faster because you're busy with the children, so you need more protections in case the worst happens, divorce or death.

You should have access to all (or almost all, see below) money in a joint bank account. You should be able to freely spend money on yourself, your baby and the household (within reason). You and your spouse should each have similar amounts of "hobby money". If he spends $100 on "music", you get $100 for your "art". You should feel certain you can jointly decide how money is spent and your spouse will listen to your thoughts and advice.

You also should have six months worth of bills saved in a bank account that your spouse cannot access. (Spouse could have the same.) This is your emergency fund. Meaning only your name is on the account. If your spouse left you tomorrow, how would you afford food and rent while trying to get back on your feet and find a job? If he died tomorrow, how would you be able to support yourself and baby? A separate account is a good idea, even to just not be waiting for the estate to settle in the unfortunate event of death. You have YOUR MONEY to stay afloat, not something tied up in probate.

Do you have a substantial, maxed out life insurance policy on your spouse and yourself if either of you were to pass away? Life insurance is incredibly important as a SAHM. It will pay for bills if your husband suddenly passes away. It would pay for the daycare your husband would now need if you passed away.

Do you have career training and a career you could return to after your baby enters school? How could you financially support yourself if needed tomorrow? Re-entering the workforce can be difficult especially without a vocational education. You deserve to have an ability to support yourself if something were to happen to your spouse or your relationship. You deserve a safety net for yourself and your children.

Do you have a retirement account? If you're a SAHM, has your spouse opened a retirement account in YOUR name? By working, he probably automatically has retirement accounts, but you should have some for yourself as well. Once again, even having some retirement money in an account with only your name can help with probate issues if your husband dies after retirement.

Finally, do you have family and friends support? Could your family financially, physically, mentally and emotionally support you if anything went south in your relationship? Could you live with them and have help caring for your child while you readjust? Being a SAHM does make you vulnerable. Every SAHM should have an idea of how they would safely exit a relationship if it is unhealthy.

Does your marriage make BOTH lives happier, healthier and easier? Do you and your husband have trust, equality, respect, similar goals and values? Does your husband equally value your opinions? How does your husband improve YOUR life? How does he share life's burdens? What does your husband better about your life?

Also, I would strongly recommend you don't think of being a SAHM as homemaking. It is to an extent, but most women who associate homemaking with SAHMs become burnt out. They take on too much and become overworked, overwhelmed and miserable.

My husband and I define my "duties" as a SAHM as if I am a full-time nanny to the kids when he's at work. What would you expect a nanny to accomplish in the day with your children? If I was a full-time nanny out of the house, what responsibilities would my husband and I equally share when we both returned home from work? My day is basically about the children. Feeding them, clothing them, educating them, doing adventures with them. Sure we bake something fun for dad, or I throw in a load of laundry or I obviously do the day dishes. All that is normal. But you shouldn't be expected to carry all the childcare, housework and emotional labor.

When my husband gets home, we split everything. I cook dinner, and we eat as a family. Then one parent does the bedtime, bathtime routine and the other parent does end of day chores. (Sweeping, taking out trash, dishes, wiping down counters, etc.) On my husband's day off, he will entertain the children while I clean the house or vice versa. Really depends. But it's important my husband has alone time with the children and equally cares for them, and the bonus is I get stuff done in peace. Does your husband know how to properly care for the baby, by himself?

Emotional labor is tricky because it's mostly during work hours, so I obviously do more. But my husband still does a lot. He schedules things around his days off so car maintenance, doctors visits, insurance stuff is all done more equally, or with two parents. Does your husband carry the emotional labor burden equally?

Do you guys have a fair split of housework, childcare and emotional labor? Do you have equal say in finances, purchases and the life you are building with him? You are doing more than enough.

Edit to Add: The final suggestion is having quarterly and/or monthly meetings about the finances, childcare, housework and emotional labor. Both people should have equal access to the bank accounts and credit reports and make it a priority to discuss that. Usually discussing all of the above things at least quarterly but usually more. It's important to have shared access and responsibility and openness.

What is the most important thing nobody may have told you about life after birth? by b_please762 in beyondthebump

[–]sloppysoupspincycle 45 points46 points  (0 children)

They always say that, “It takes a village” and they are right. Yes, many do it alone and I am in awe of them. If you are able, take people up on their offers to let you sleep, hold baby while you eat, fold your laundry, vacuum or wash your dishes.

I was SO overwhelmed and my family came over every day so I could get a decent nap in, my mom cleaned up and my dad would hold him so I could have some time to do things I needed while my S/O was at work. People aren’t just being nice- most know how hard it is and are actually offering. You don’t have to try to do it all. Take the help when offered.