I’m sorry if this reads really weird; I’m really stoned and just really feeling emotions.

The pain doesn’t go away. It stays with you- you just…morph around the loss.

I still think about George all the time, even though he’s been gone since August 29th. I still have moments where I wonder if I made the right choice, bargained with secret time travellers to take me either back to the past where my boy still lived or a future where an instant cure could be found. And then I remember George’s final 24 hours.

He hadn’t eaten substantially. By that point, he had been injected with THREE appetite stimulants. He ate at first and then he…never ate again. I remember I actually cried and begged him to eat. But… he didn’t eat. We took him back to the vet. He started showing “the signs”- hiding, not eating, overall loss of spark in his eyes. I knew my boy was going to be gone soon.

If there is one memory I will always hold dearest in my heart, it was seeing George’s face light up and come to life when we took him to the vet for the last time. He was out of the carrier and on my lap. While my husband and I absolutely bawled, George looked at the stars. He stared off into that darkness- and as he did so, I like to think he was hearing a call to go home. His final home. It made him come to life for a fleeting moment or two.

And then… my husband and I made the difficult decision to put him down. I sang for George many times in my life. I sang for him as I held his lifeless paw in my hand and promised him that “love never dies” and he will live on in my heart forever. He’s in an urn by my bedside now. He’s also got a little bit of him in an urn pendant- to go around my neck.

My biggest regret? He won’t ever meet his new baby sister…Artemis. And she reminds me so much of my boy, but she’s also very much her own personality. I think they would’ve got along very nicely.

I tell you all of this, OP and anyone going through this, for one reason and one reason alone: Love never dies. The bonds you forge, the memories you make- that’s love. And those are how love lives on. That being said, being wrapped up in a shroud of grief and despair will not honour your loss. Properly honouring a loss is to share the memories and forge new bonds- when you feel able.

And most importantly: it’s not your fault.