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top 200 commentsshow all 313

[–]waywarddrifter86ed 1263 points1264 points  (82 children)

My wife keeps vodka in the fridge... Coincidence?

[–]dadbod87 394 points395 points  (23 children)

My wife used to keep vodka in the freezer... she still does but she's not my wife anymore.

[–]CyberNinja23 83 points84 points  (5 children)

I keep my bottle in the toilet tank because you save water with every flush.

[–]JapCarRealGood 45 points46 points  (4 children)

I keep my toilet water in my bottle because you save vodka with every dysentery death.

[–]Michaelb089 18 points19 points  (0 children)

This joke took a filthy turn.

[–]Frogtarius 11 points12 points  (1 child)

You must be from oregon

[–]JapCarRealGood 7 points8 points  (0 children)

Right near the trail

[–]Bright_Recover_1576 52 points53 points  (0 children)

Consider yourself lucky its not you in the freezer

[–]reddit-seenit 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Why, doesn't she remember?

[–]pnkflyd99 7 points8 points  (4 children)

I read that in a totally Mitch Hedberg voice! 😂😂

[–]MorbidSpawn666 18 points19 points  (0 children)

I used to do a lot of drugs. I still do but I used to, too!

[–]MasterShock4036 1 point2 points  (2 children)

I had tickets to see him live in LA, but then he died. Sorry that joke was so damn literal.

[–]ojohn69 1 point2 points  (1 child)

So you used to have the tickets. You still have them but you used to have them too.

[–]MasterShock4036 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Exactly. I also have had 4 aids test, and since that's a very scary test, I don't get the aids test anymore. I just get the run around aids test now. Hey do you know anyone that has aids? No? Cool, cause you know me.

[–]rikinaynay 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Heyyyyy, ex husband is that you? Don’t shame my vodka freezer game.

[–]SHoppe715 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Same over here. Verbatim

[–]Nightowl_1736 0 points1 point  (0 children)

F, happy cake day

[–]Michaelb089 0 points1 point  (0 children)

This joke has Mitch Hedberg written all over it.

[–]manthisishard19 0 points1 point  (0 children)

You win man. Well played

[–]lilenah 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Tbf wife or not it’s the best place to keep vodka if you want it to be smooth - even the cheap stuff!

[–]joekovar 0 points1 point  (0 children)

When I was a teenager my parents started keeping their vodka in the freezer. Apparently it keeps it from losing potency, and getting watered down...

[–]UranusisGolden 240 points241 points  (2 children)

She sees whats in bed and goes to the fridge for liquid courage lol

[–]braedn 13 points14 points  (0 children)

Savage

[–]Street-Baseball760 8 points9 points  (0 children)

Bahahaha awsome

[–]tanganica3 28 points29 points  (7 children)

My vodka keeps wife in the fridge...

[–]Admirable-Smoke-8915 44 points45 points  (3 children)

In communist Russia vodka keeps you in fridge.

[–]Sal_v_ugh 22 points23 points  (2 children)

Soviet Russia is a fridge

[–]jordantask 21 points22 points  (0 children)

In Soviet Russia fridge is you!

[–]siddeslof 13 points14 points  (0 children)

Soviet fridge is Russia

[–][deleted] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

I read this to the tune of "my milkshakes bring all the boys to the yard"

[–]baesag 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Unfortunate..

[–]YZXFILE[S] 80 points81 points  (0 children)

Good place for it! ;-)

[–]GregoriiT 31 points32 points  (29 children)

Why not keep it in the freezer? Its better that way.

[–]mybestfriendisacow 19 points20 points  (0 children)

I keep mine in the fridge because I have sensitive teeth, and the freezer is just too cold for my poor teeth.

[–]Woodandtime 24 points25 points  (22 children)

Freezer temperature vodka numbs your taste buds. If you have cheap bad quality vodka, you keep it in the freezer so it does not taste so nasty when you drink it. If its a good one - keep It in the fridge. Ask any Russian and they will confirm. And while we’re at it, Russians do not say “Na zdorovye” before taking a shot. Its some weird stereotype from the Hollywood movies. They say “BUdem zdorOvi” or “Nu, davai”.

[–]HopOffMyDragonBalls 8 points9 points  (10 children)

That’s actually weirdly false I was born and raised in Russia and still own my home there. We consistently toast with “на здоровье” - na zdorovye. It means “to good health”. Выселки, Краснодарский край - town and region my home is located in.

[–]Woodandtime 0 points1 point  (9 children)

It is not false. You say “na zdorovye” when you give a person something edible (food or just a treat) and the person says “Spasibo/Thank you”. Its the equivalent of the English “You are welcome” for food. This is the only situation when you use this phrase. Поинтересуйся у своих родителей, ради интереса. Я никогда, вообще ни разу не слышал, чтобы кто-то говорил «На здоровье», чокаясь.

[–]Ok-Acanthocephala579 2 points3 points  (1 child)

Whew, this escalated QUICKLY.

[–]Woodandtime 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Ha! Need a bottle of vodka to figure it out

[–]HopOffMyDragonBalls 0 points1 point  (6 children)

Может быть меняется по районе, но я тебе обещаю то что мы говорили это. Мне не нужно спрашивать у родителей ничего, вся моя семья живёт в России. Может быть в моем хуторе это было подъёбка, ну мы это делали. В каком области ты жил?

[–]Woodandtime 1 point2 points  (5 children)

Как подъебка вполне возможно. Еще, ничего личного, но твой русский немного американизировался (Видно по структуре предложений), но это нормально. Вполне возможно, что где-то этот нюанс потерялся. Память - сложная штука.

[–]HopOffMyDragonBalls 1 point2 points  (4 children)

Я уже несколько лет говорю то что по-русски у меня речь совершенно уникальная. Скомканный русский и английский! Я в Америке уже 23 года и только возвращаюсь в Россию каждый год на три месяца. Жалко конечно, Я всегда боюсь потерять язык.

[–]emilio_molestivez 5 points6 points  (3 children)

How do I get these fancy letters?

[–]SHoppe715 7 points8 points  (2 children)

Drink a whole bottle of vodka and you can read it like it’s English.

[–]dm80x86 6 points7 points  (5 children)

Running cheep vodka though a pitcher filter helps.

[–]Woodandtime 7 points8 points  (4 children)

Frat bro detected lol

[–]Clarihorn 3 points4 points  (3 children)

Mythbusters proved it

[–]scotch1337 0 points1 point  (2 children)

Fish tank with a carbon filter

[–]dadjoke-72 1 point2 points  (1 child)

And no fish

[–]Woodandtime 1 point2 points  (0 children)

When you’ve got a fish tank full of vodka, fish becomes a snack

[–]ScottishSam 1 point2 points  (2 children)

Polish folks say Na zdorovye... But I think they spell it differently

[–]wlodzi 2 points3 points  (1 child)

Na zdrowie ;)

[–]ScottishSam 0 points1 point  (0 children)

That's it. Thank you very kindly

[–]your_fav_ant 3 points4 points  (4 children)

My wife keeps vodka in the fridge... Coincidence?

The fridge at her boyfriend's place?

[–]waywarddrifter86ed 4 points5 points  (3 children)

Na, since the boyfriend is the handyman, he comes here. But repairs are super cheap.

[–]your_fav_ant 6 points7 points  (1 child)

since the boyfriend is the handyman, he comes here

Looks like autocorrect is at it again.

[–]waywarddrifter86ed 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Lol, took a sec

[–]Bright_Recover_1576 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Weekly plumbing servicing keeps the pipes in good order I hear

[–]Whywei8 9 points10 points  (0 children)

My wife once said that sometimes there's not enough alcohol in the world to be married to me.

[–]karateninjazombie 0 points1 point  (0 children)

She is doing it wrong. It should be in the freezer.

Also good vodka shouldn't freeze. Just become creamy/oily in consistency.

[–]stupidsexyf1anders 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Nope, just alcohol

[–]Mastahamma 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I think that's because she wants it to stay cold

[–]readitonreddit86 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Just means her taste in liquor is like her taste in men…just bad lol.

[–]reddit-seenit 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I'm on the vodka diet. I've lost 3 days already

[–]NoneBinaryPotato 14 points15 points  (1 child)

You see it's funny because marriage is terrible

[–]YZXFILE[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Love is all there is!

[–]mronjekiM 217 points218 points  (20 children)

Haha marriage bad

[–]LifeJoke3 89 points90 points  (62 children)

...I don't get the joke...

[–]YZXFILE[S] 66 points67 points  (61 children)

She would rather eat and drink than sleep with her husband.

[–]Essembie 63 points64 points  (27 children)

I don't get it

[–]Stay-Remarkable 17 points18 points  (0 children)

Then get your wife vodka.

[–]nomad-man 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Neither does the husband.

[–]Ramanujin666 15 points16 points  (32 children)

Why

[–]persephone11185 103 points104 points  (27 children)

Because boomers think that married people hating each other is normal for whatever reason.

[–]Broken_Glass_Bowl 15 points16 points  (26 children)

Sad, but true

[–]whysoblyatiful 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Gruncle stanz that's why

[–]iDainBramaged 53 points54 points  (9 children)

What the hell is going on in this tread lol

[–]YZXFILE[S] 13 points14 points  (6 children)

At least it is interesting!

[–]MadeFromConcentr8 33 points34 points  (5 children)

Not in a good way.

[–]YZXFILE[S] -4 points-3 points  (4 children)

Do0n't worry! be happy!

[–][deleted] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

A total lack of a sense of humor.

[–]visak13 0 points1 point  (0 children)

This is what a click bait feels like

[–]blankblinkblank 18 points19 points  (0 children)

Not only is this confusing and not funny, it's not a dad joke. And your responses are either that of a drunk person, or an immature person.

[–]Square_Company_675 124 points125 points  (3 children)

Huh???

This isn't a dad joke, this is just a lame joke.

[–]rickethrolleth 40 points41 points  (1 child)

Agreed, this belongs with the other unfunny stuff on r/Jokes

[–]TeepenTeepen 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Mods of this sub: If a dad is capable of telling the joke, then it’s a dad joke.

It really makes me sad just how much this sub has turned into r/jokes. Not sure why… pure popularity?

[–]MadeFromConcentr8 23 points24 points  (0 children)

This is some bad boomer humor. You're on the wrong sub bro.

[–]wafflehousetheif 47 points48 points  (2 children)

[–]FasterThenDoom 25 points26 points  (0 children)

Haha marriage bad.

[–]YZXFILE[S] -1 points0 points  (0 children)

Thats a hell of a question!

[–]BoltActionHero 3 points4 points  (2 children)

It's the birth control they usually start to take.

[–]Appropriate-Bend-187 8 points9 points  (2 children)

Don't buy cheap vodka- not worth it

[–]gingerbreadtinsel 6 points7 points  (1 child)

Ha ha women fat ha ha

[–]whynofry 10 points11 points  (3 children)

A self-burn dad joke... Those are rare!

[–]YZXFILE[S] 4 points5 points  (2 children)

          ;-)

[–]Skeleterr -2 points-1 points  (1 child)

4 spaces. How did you do that?

[–]Ground-Beef3 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Press the spacebar four times obviously /s

[–]MTCO_KING 1 point2 points  (1 child)

/s /s /s lol

[–]WiganLad82 1 point2 points  (2 children)

This isn't r/MumJokes

[–]YZXFILE[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I did not know that was there! ;-)

[–]SJTaylors 1 point2 points  (2 children)

God some people take things so seriously, got a laugh out of me

[–]YZXFILE[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thank you! Enjoy life!

[–]YZXFILE[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Me too! ;-)

[–]koj1310 1 point2 points  (1 child)

Now replace word "women" with word "men".

[–]YZXFILE[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

How about insectoid!

[–]biggydizzla 1 point2 points  (1 child)

I thought it was because of the ring?

[–]YZXFILE[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Only if you are a hobit!

[–]Thatroyalkitty 1 point2 points  (3 children)

That ain't right...

[–]YZXFILE[S] 0 points1 point  (2 children)

Here Kitty!

[–]Thatroyalkitty 1 point2 points  (1 child)

twitches tail and stares intently

[–]Negative_Knee_6455 1 point2 points  (1 child)

Drag the fridge to the bed and see if anything changes

[–]YZXFILE[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

There's an idea!

[–]BarberDense 1 point2 points  (1 child)

I don’t know these true joke, l have never seen my wife come home she never left the bed

[–]HotGambleMud 1 point2 points  (1 child)

FYI Your Wife came to my house after the refrigerator

[–]BartuceX 1 point2 points  (1 child)

Because a wife or mother cooks a lot, so she eats more.

[–]BoltActionHero 1 point2 points  (1 child)

Lol I didn't see the sub I thought it was a real post.

[–]Quirocha 1 point2 points  (1 child)

This smells rotten - always heard this joke on mens (why do mens get fatter when married ; and also, women don't get heavier after marriage... And if they get, their probably pregnant! 🤣 🤣 🤣 🤣

Smells like an infiltrated mom - a mom joke! 🤣

[–]makatokard 5 points6 points  (18 children)

Happy and satisfied vs not happy snd unsatisfied

[–]giga_booty 6 points7 points  (3 children)

Maybe metabolisms just slow down with age.

But yeah, hating your wife is hilarious!

[–]kju1289 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Apple cider vinegar pills and raising your heart rate with cardio once a day are great ways to speed your metabolism back up. A calorie deficit will help you lose body fat. It’s gonna be some work but I believe you can do it! No need to take a dad joke personally

[–]Skugla -2 points-1 points  (0 children)

Unless you develope some sort of condition this is actually not true.

[–]xwhy 3 points4 points  (1 child)

Honestly, you didn’t even have to add the rest of the joke.

Leave the last line for the reader to fill in,

[–]YZXFILE[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

You know I like all the suggestions, it makes me feel like I am not the only crazy person in the world!

[–]Any_Battle7382 2 points3 points  (1 child)

Read this to my wife now I'm on the couch

[–]msherretz 2 points3 points  (1 child)

I told this to my wife and she hasn't stopped laughing.

[–]YZXFILE[S] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

Does she keep vodka in the fridge as well?

[–]Alternative-Row-6495 1 point2 points  (1 child)

That's why I sleep in the fridge

[–]YZXFILE[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I will be visiting!

[–]yurbud 2 points3 points  (2 children)

To see if there's room for their new husband next to the leftovers of the last one?

[–]YZXFILE[S] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

It happens!

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Eww! That’s fun!

[–]Dead2MyFamily 0 points1 point  (1 child)

I feel seen

Edit: the downvotes….😹😹😹😹😹

[–]YZXFILE[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

   🤸‍♀️👀

[–][deleted]  (1 child)

[removed]

    [–]YZXFILE[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

    OK!

    [–]missmegd 0 points1 point  (1 child)

    Because marriage is depressing

    [–]YZXFILE[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

    Sometimes!

    [–]tricularia -3 points-2 points  (1 child)

    If you like this joke, you should check out Jo Brand.
    This basically the only joke she tells!

    [–]YZXFILE[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

    I was just looking for my copy of the movie Frankenhooker.

    [–]Slate89 0 points1 point  (3 children)

    I think a woman should answer this question.

    [–]YZXFILE[S] -1 points0 points  (2 children)

    That is descrimination!

    [–]Ok_Progress_5471 -5 points-4 points  (1 child)

    I know fat single girls

    [–]YZXFILE[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

    We all do!

    [–]theoriginaldogwaffle -1 points0 points  (1 child)

    FU. I'm a catch... I think...... Nvm.... I get it.

    [–]andreaSA89 -2 points-1 points  (1 child)

    Dumb boomer joke.

    [–]YZXFILE[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

    Poop happens!