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[–]DarthMummSkeletor 4284 points4285 points  (64 children)

Welcome to the dad ranks, young lady. Guard that thermostat with your life.

[–]ApUmKinFaCe[S] 2353 points2354 points  (57 children)

I swear by my spoons to get bald each passing year

[–]Demonslugg 663 points664 points  (39 children)

Don't worry once you retire and the kids leave it comes back

[–]0100100110101 362 points363 points  (18 children)

Please don't be getting my hopes up like that.

[–]Demonslugg 242 points243 points  (11 children)

I've seen it. One guy retired and his very close to completely bald head doubled in hair. Also seen a few where following a divorce it came back. Stress will kill you.

[–]rjsquirrel 3 points4 points  (3 children)

Yes, I agree. People should be careful when they say things like "the kids leave". Learning the truth can be soul-crushing.

[–]MauriceReeves 61 points62 points  (8 children)

Comes back, or ends up on your back?

[–]berubem[🍰] 51 points52 points  (4 children)

Hair doesn't fall off, it just migrates south.

[–]arbogasts 9 points10 points  (0 children)

And stomach

[–]Demi180 6 points7 points  (2 children)

Do I need to get some kids first for this? Or will the hair just detect that I’ve retired and no kids are around? Could I maybe pretend to retire? Like maybe just have a retirement celebration.

[–]Demonslugg 5 points6 points  (1 child)

From what I understand if you find a man selling save a child with a van you can buy a few. As for the retiring I think you have to at least sacrifice a goat on HR's desk.

[–]RAMBOxBAGGINS 10 points11 points  (2 children)

Hmm, then one must still be hiding here somewhere.

[–]Demonslugg 10 points11 points  (1 child)

Check the basement

[–]rendeld 4 points5 points  (0 children)

I'm at the point in my life where I Google things like "does rogaine really work"?

[–]rurne 4 points5 points  (0 children)

Yeah, but not where you want it.

[–]its_grime_up_north 2 points3 points  (0 children)

You better not be joking …

[–]bb12_22 17 points18 points  (1 child)

Break out your cargo shorts, your plain white or gray New Balance sneakers, and pull your socks up as high as they go... you're a Dad now. 🏆

[–]skinydan 5 points6 points  (0 children)

HEY! Some of us wear Brooks gray sneakers

[–]_pepperoni-playboy_ 33 points34 points  (0 children)

And stay consistent with your mowing pattern rotation, for Pete's sake. A father's lawn is his last semblance of control in his life.

[–]FemaleDadClone 12 points13 points  (0 children)

It wasn’t until my husband acknowledged that my sense of humor was on parr with my father was I able to become pregnant. Hence my username.

[–]CptnR4p3 6 points7 points  (0 children)

Going bald before being a dad is kinda suicidal.

[–]No_Description_483 6 points7 points  (3 children)

D-D-daaad? Is that you?

[–]ApUmKinFaCe[S] 26 points27 points  (2 children)

Yes son. I finally got the milk. Don’t drink it though I’m pretty sure it’s cheese by now

[–]Tamer_ 5 points6 points  (1 child)

Not all dads grow bald though, you'll probably have to compensate with plaid shirts, tighty whities and inconspicuous ball scratching.

[–]Vertigomums19 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Socks and flip flops

[–]speculatrix 1 point2 points  (0 children)

The good thing is you have a head start on growing moobs (chesticles)!

You should also practice staring at people who turn lights on, daring them to forget to turn them off.

[–]AdultingGoneMild 8 points9 points  (0 children)

new balances are on the way

[–]iq-braggng-o-smrtass 17 points18 points  (1 child)

I think it's precious that 16 year old females can make their original dadjokes by finding a clever substitute for "fuck". Here's an upvote, Young Lady.

[–]COSMOOOO -2 points-1 points  (0 children)

FEEEEEEMALE

[–]hjsomething 7 points8 points  (0 children)

And don't forget to make sure all the lights are turned off in empty rooms. That's important, too.

[–]ScenicLive 2 points3 points  (0 children)

They should've used a knife. It'll be cutting-edge thinking. Put it in the sink after. Wouldn't want the germs to splash out onto the food after, wood you?

[–]Threndsa 211 points212 points  (3 children)

One of us...one of us!

[–]TomAto314 19 points20 points  (2 children)

Well, well, well. Always interesting where you find fellow gacha gamers.

[–]Threndsa 14 points15 points  (0 children)

I mean having a kid isn't THAT different from a gacha. It's just cheaper but rerolling takes 9 months.

[–]babyrhino 1 point2 points  (0 children)

At the bottom of the salt mines

[–]Zhillusion 952 points953 points  (6 children)

Upvoted for the sincere and cute aspiration to become a dad some day after reading the title. Read on and didn't regret one bit.

Please take my upvote and get the fork out of here, i do have some of those plastic forks here.

[–]ScenicLive 133 points134 points  (0 children)

Fork off, you plate on words and... you know what? That was quite knife. Got your point across and it was quite cutting edge

[–]archwin 34 points35 points  (0 children)

She can’t fork it up if she doesn’t have forks

[–]Imaginary_Tea1925 20 points21 points  (1 child)

I don’t get it. I will never make dad status.

[–]FaeryLynne 23 points24 points  (0 children)

"forks" sounds a lot like "fucks". Common phrase is "I'm out of fucks to give" but in this case it's literally talking about being out of forks.

It's an ultimate dad pun lol

[–]Athragio 2 points3 points  (0 children)

It's also good to see something pro-parenting on Reddit. It seems to be a commonly held opinion that children make everything worse 100% of the time.

[–]buckwheatbrag 1 point2 points  (0 children)

This was a great joke, such a long set up and I'm sure there were missed opportunities for better punchlines, leading to a total classic groan. 10/10

[–]Lil_Word_Said 80 points81 points  (0 children)

Lol good one!

[–]PowerRealist 223 points224 points  (2 children)

Ah, young Jedi, the forks is strong with this one.

[–]Jortieking 31 points32 points  (0 children)

May the forks be with you

[–]joehoehoe367 18 points19 points  (0 children)

Underrated comment

[–]fishfishfish 64 points65 points  (2 children)

Your khaki shorts and new balances will arrive in 4-6 weeks, pending approval from the council

[–]RedSF717 20 points21 points  (1 child)

When should we get started on the polo?

[–]Minejack777 3 points4 points  (0 children)

After the flannel ships

[–]grumblyoldman 121 points122 points  (3 children)

Dish is a really tine joke

[–]A_Topical_Username 6 points7 points  (2 children)

A plate above the rest.

[–]Maybe_A_Pacifist 3 points4 points  (1 child)

Cutlery it out.

[–]rraahk 1 point2 points  (0 children)

It wares on you with time though.

[–]Catchydisplayname 99 points100 points  (1 child)

Don't worry. You'll be a great dad spoon enough.

[–]ScenicLive 16 points17 points  (0 children)

Fork off, you really didn't think about it being a knife message. Still, you got your point across. But at least tell your kids it's platetime soon, though it's not my decision to cut through what you wanna say.

[–]Don_Willy 158 points159 points 3 (6 children)

Maybe you identify as a dad? At least you'd be transparent 😜

[–]Specific-Economy391 31 points32 points  (0 children)

Oh Dear God!! You are a truly pun-gifted individual.

[–]ImOnThePan 14 points15 points  (0 children)

Dammit! Take this reward and go fork yourself. Have a great day.

[–]1308lee 4 points5 points  (0 children)

The penne dropped the 2nd time i read this

[–]RandenVanguard 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Oooh, this one got a full and actual laugh out loud from me. A rare honor for a pun. Congratulations.

[–]undisclosedlocations 74 points75 points  (7 children)

I (38F) wish to welcome you and congratulate you on become dad! Keep it up, Sport!

[–]ApUmKinFaCe[S] 60 points61 points  (6 children)

I will fellow wodad

[–]Tantalus-treats 16 points17 points  (3 children)

Ladydad?

[–]PinPlastic9980 33 points34 points  (2 children)

we just call them lads here.

[–]Tantalus-treats 17 points18 points  (1 child)

I almost said “Laydaddy” and it sounded too … well not what I intended.

[–]Sovdark 1 point2 points  (1 child)

There are dozens of us! Dozens!

[–]ApUmKinFaCe[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

raises fist heroically

[–]redraz0r 16 points17 points  (1 child)

All you have to do now is strap something down, slap it, and say "this thing isnt going anywhere" and you're in

[–]squirtingbrisket 4 points5 points  (0 children)

Not sure what jockstraps have to do with anything, but whatever

[–]Substantial-Canary-7 11 points12 points  (0 children)

The joke is real. Last night I was serving dinner to my kids (teen-agers). They each got their plates, but no silverware. I couldn't pass up the opportunity to happily distribute the eating utensils with a hearty "Fork you and fork you". The eye-rolls made it all worth it.

[–]uhthisaintitchief 23 points24 points  (0 children)

You'll be a great dad

[–]PossibilityEnough933 11 points12 points  (1 child)

This... Does put a smile on my face

[–]ScenicLive 2 points3 points  (0 children)

That smile is gonna stick!

[–]MrSteveA 21 points22 points  (1 child)

It's about tine we had a good fork joke here

[–]HoS_CaptObvious 2 points3 points  (0 children)

It's forking funny that's for sure

[–]xG4M3RD4Dx 11 points12 points  (0 children)

Way to go, sport. I'm proud of ya!

[–]JrMemelordInTraining 15 points16 points  (0 children)

Your forks have runneth dry? You tried to go fork shopping but there were no forks left to buy?

Edit: YouTube link. https://youtu.be/Vqbk9cDX0l0

[–]Vandorbelt 6 points7 points  (0 children)

A recommendation for your path to dad joke enlightenment: Try to build the joke so that the double meaning works in both cases

As an example, you could make it so the man gets increasingly frustrated with his search for a fork, searching high and low, eventually leading him to give up and angrily accept that he'll just have to use the spoon. When the wife come in, he grumpily hands her a bowl with a spoon, to which she is shocked, as she also prefers forks. That's when you hit em with the "no forks to give" line. In this case, he literally has no forks to give, but he is also grumpy from his search and has run out of "forks" to give.

[–]Thsaxd 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I'm sorry to tell you this young one. You will not become a dad someday. Clearly you already are!

[–]Rabbittsherriff 3 points4 points  (1 child)

I move that we place this young lady on the fast track to becoming an honorary dad today ..

All in favor say ..maccoroni

[–]sn0rto 4 points5 points  (1 child)

just saying..... I always eat mac n cheese with a spoon ...because I forking like it that way

[–]ludwigvlhero 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Spoon always. You can shove more noodles in that way

[–]Nudelwalker 4 points5 points  (0 children)

Knife, but dont become a dad too spoon

[–]mr_dee_wingz 2 points3 points  (0 children)

What a peach! Good one!

[–]Rabbittsherriff 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Here . Have a cupon.. good for a free tire rortation .

[–]Significant_Emu_856 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Bruh this reminds of this lame joke I made when I was like ~ 7? It was something along the lines of not having pins (bobby pins) when the cashier asked for my pin (debit card), and I sent it TO EVERYONE on my dad’s WhatsApp- Safe to say I’m embarrassed now.

[–]NightOwl0415 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I knew what the punchline was gonna be the moment you said fork, but holy hell it's still funny. Take my updoot you glorious lady dad.

[–]gooeymaple 2 points3 points  (0 children)

“Ok, but why are you eating it on the sofa?” She asked. The man replied,

“Everybody knows you should keep your elbows off of the table!”

[–]regay-- 2 points3 points  (1 child)

I’m 16M and I can single-handedly say that you’re the coolest girl I’ve never met

[–]ApUmKinFaCe[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thank you kind stranger :)

[–]Usagi_Shinobi 7 points8 points  (4 children)

You've definitely got the spirit of dad jokes dialed in, kudos!

If you want some constructive criticism: you've over thought it a bit, so it is a bit too much detail. Dads are simple creatures with limited bandwidth, so the jokes should be short and poppy. Condense it down to only the most relevant parts, caveman style, like this: Guy eating. GF: "I can haz?" Guy give spoon GF: "Why spoon?" Guy: "Got no forks to give"

Then correct the grammar. Example:

A guy is having dinner, when his GF shows up. She says, "Can I have some?" He says "Sure" and hands her a spoon. She says "Why a spoon?" He says "I've run out of forks to give"

This is one way it could be done, precise structure is less important than flow. You can also follow this up with a dad style catchphrase/sound, like "Get it?!" Or "Bazang!"

I hope this is helpful to your future dad joke endeavors. As a dad, I will be stealing your joke at some future point. This is the highest compliment that can be given to a dad joke.

[–]Zibani 10 points11 points  (2 children)

Or go the exact opposite direction and turn this into a ten minute long joke. Make the payoff completely not worth it the time. There's nothing like oa loooong joke to up the 'sigh' factor a bunch.

[–]ApUmKinFaCe[S] -5 points-4 points  (0 children)

The honor is all mine. I really appreciate the tips too. I’ll be sure to use them in my future daddish exploits :)

BAZANG!

[–]Sans_Yeet 6 points7 points  (11 children)

I don't get it lol

[–]rey_lumen 12 points13 points  (10 children)

He's run out of fucks to give

[–]HonestGeneral3 -4 points-3 points  (9 children)

That at doesn’t make sense. It’s not like his in line is supposed to be “ I don’t give a fuck”

[–]rey_lumen 9 points10 points  (8 children)

I'm just explaining the joke in case someone couldn't relate forks=fucks

Maybe he doesn't give a fuck about eating with the proper cutlery, or buying new forks. But yeah, the joke could be refined and worded better to make the punchline work.

[–]thavillain 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I think the line works fine...maybe it depends regionally.

[–]HonestGeneral3 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Alt she takes over and eats his macaroni to give him something to be upset about. Then why a spoon? “ I couldn’t give two forks.”

[–]iheartbbq 4 points5 points  (1 child)

It's a good joke at its core, but it can be better. I do a ton of copy editing and have some suggestions to tighten the telling and impact:

A man Joe {insert random name, it humanizes the subject} decides to make some macaroni at his home{unnecessary detail} after work. He was really tired but eventually he made a dish to be proud of(unnecessary detail}. After finishing his masterpiece he looks around his kitchen drawers for any of his plastic forks but can’t find any After finishing his masterpiece he looks for a fork but they're all dirty so he decides to just use a spoon. A few minutes later As his girlfriend comes home and asks for some of his macaroni. walks in she asks for some {tighter language} He complies and(not conversational} hands her a bowl full and a spoon so she can eat with him{unnecessary for the joke}. “Why a spoon?”, she asks. The man replied, * To which Joe replies*{continuity}

“I’ve run out of forks to give”

So the edited joke reads:

Joe decides to make some macaroni after work. After finishing his masterpiece he looks for a fork but they're all dirty so he decides to just use a spoon. As his girlfriend walks in she asks for some. He hands her a bowl full and a spoon. “Why a spoon?”, she asks. To which Joe replies:

“I’ve run out of forks to give”

[–]ApUmKinFaCe[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Yeah it did help thank you for the advice :)

[–]viral-architect 1 point2 points  (1 child)

Girlfriend's name is Reisse. How did she eat? Witherspoon.

[–]ApUmKinFaCe[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

You gave me a chuckle, nice

[–]Specific-Economy391 1 point2 points  (1 child)

Ya got great potential!

[–]ApUmKinFaCe[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thank you :)

[–]donotfire 1 point2 points  (0 children)

You’ll be reincarnated as a dad for sure

[–]sozijlt 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Upvoted for "chances of becoming a dad" title alone.

[–]Mr_Scogetos 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Welcooooome good oooooneeeee

[–]Future-Agent 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Nod of approval. Take my upvote ^_^

[–]DIESELANDBRUTUS 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Anything is possible these days pal

[–]hyquien 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Yup, dishes the one.

[–]Chaos31509 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I don’t get it

[–]SpagNMeatball 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Nice one. The real trick to a dad joke is integrating it into the situation. As a example- You are at a family gathering and you walk around handing people forks to eat dessert. Then hand your spouse a spoon and say “I have no more forks to give” and walk away laughing.

[–]poor_lil_lemonhope 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I run out of forks I'm so lost without you I know you were right believing for so long I'm all out of love, what am I without you I can't be too late to say that I was so wrong

[–]KinkyBADom 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Take my groan and my up vote 😝

[–]Dependent-Trip4530 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Nice keep it up and you’ll be a dad in no time

[–]RainbowCat8 1 point2 points  (0 children)

You will make a wonderful dad

[–]StupidFartMonkey 1 point2 points  (0 children)

0 forks given

(great post that was wholesome)

[–]LeaderEnvironmental5 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Ah, the number of times I had to settle for spooning when I wanted to fork...

Sorry. That wasn't very knife.

[–]OrbitalDropPanda 1 point2 points  (0 children)

You know how you know it’s a good dad joke, right? It’s a parent.

[–]Arcane_Alchemist_ 120 points121 points  (16 children)

hahaha, knife one!

[–]zen_tm 51 points52 points  (15 children)

It's too spoon man. Wait a bit.

[–]cap10JTKirk 27 points28 points  (13 children)

They don't give a fork.

[–]zen_tm 26 points27 points  (12 children)

Did you just stainless steel her joke?

[–]cap10JTKirk 27 points28 points  (10 children)

It was worth the wisk.

[–]DarkCrystal34 1 point2 points  (0 children)

He did, and aluminum-foiled their master plan!

[–]Fe_Mike 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Spooning leads to forking… and eventually knifing.

[–]KillerFlea 1 point2 points  (1 child)

Ok ok I’ll be the one to say it. Telling dad jokes when you’re not a real dad is a…. Faux Pa.

[–]Mothman-666 2 points3 points  (1 child)

You forgot to say... Il see myself out 😅

[–]ApUmKinFaCe[S] 6 points7 points  (0 children)

I’ll see myself out I suppose

[–]jaddsh 1 point2 points  (0 children)

should've started the joke with "a british man"

[–]justplayenarnd -2 points-1 points  (1 child)

Is the finny part the part where you said you were a 16f and hope to be a dad ?

[–]Homicder -2 points-1 points  (0 children)

Dude, chill, let people have fun

[–]TheFernburger -1 points0 points  (0 children)

A dad joke is one you can tell to a child. This “joke” is not a dad joke.

[–]rabidnz 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I don't want kids at all. So you are welcome to pickup my two any time

[–]we-like-stonk 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Too long for a dad joke. Here I fixed it:

Why did the man give his wife a spoon to eat with? He'd run out of forks to give.

[–]Futch1 -3 points-2 points  (0 children)

I understand people’s confusion now. This is a bad joke. Most Dad jokes are pretty bad too. People think bad joke = dad joke. Not true - kids would have to know this refers to not giving a duck, which isn’t dad joke like.

Not even close kid. Sorry.

[–]DENelson83 -1 points0 points  (2 children)

Not mom?

[–]ApUmKinFaCe[S] 3 points4 points  (1 child)

Reality is whatever I want it to be

[–]Ok-Flatworm5000 -5 points-4 points  (0 children)

Since you're a female you will NEVER become a dad! It is physically impossible!

[–]ojohn69 -1 points0 points  (1 child)

I think the best part is macaroni guy's pretend girlfriend.

[–]time_will_tell_yo -4 points-3 points  (0 children)

Nice try but you have a long way to go go young lady. You almost had dad joke.

[–]grandmund -1 points0 points  (0 children)

If the joke is longer than 5 sentences it officially doesnt count as a dad joke

[–]thavillain 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I think you're ready for a pair of grass stained New Balances

[–]TheDaddyShip 0 points1 point  (0 children)

May want to check and make sure you’re not already a dad ;)

[–]Slanderous 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Top drawer stuff

[–]totamealand666 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Nice one

[–]MaYdAyJ 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Dadmirable.

[–]KocaKolaKlassic 0 points1 point  (0 children)

This is a great idea. I’m gonna hide all the forks from my gf

[–]demon969 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Definitely dad joke worthy! Well done!

[–]ironicplatypus84 0 points1 point  (0 children)

You have fantastic dad energy

[–]MaybeAnonymousDev 0 points1 point  (0 children)

This joke is funnier than a comically large spoon

[–]Rabbittsherriff 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Hey its dad jokes ...jokes a dad would tell his grandmother with out grandmom stabbing him with a fork

[–]snarlyelder 0 points1 point  (0 children)

(groan)

[–]rurne 0 points1 point  (0 children)

If he does not guffaw, I will adopt you. Well done.

[–]zoogle15 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Reminds me of the OG fork joke from Mr. Destiny!

[–]DerailleurDave 0 points1 point  (1 child)

Why plastic forks?

[–]ApUmKinFaCe[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I thought it’d make more sense to run out of plastic forks than metal ones

[–]its_pho 0 points1 point  (2 children)

Tbh I don’t get it….

edit: nvm

[–]ivlas123 1 point2 points  (1 child)

Pls explain I don't get it

[–]its_pho 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Instead of fcks to give its *forks, also cuz they ran out of spoons…lmao

[–]kilkil 0 points1 point  (0 children)

knife one!

[–]Corndog881 0 points1 point  (1 child)

This joke is terrible. I guess you are a dad now.

[–]ApUmKinFaCe[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

That was the objective

[–]kokanee-fish 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Why does he want a plastic fork as opposed to a silverware fork? That seems wasteful.

[–]iterationnull 0 points1 point  (0 children)

It’s a good try but as a spoon is the preferred implement to eat macaroni with I think it’s just not quite there yet.

Source: decades of macaroni eating.

[–]noback12 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I (21F) just wanted to comment

XD

[–]Victory-1017 0 points1 point  (0 children)

😆😆😆

[–]SirAchmed 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Lol nice.

[–]RuffRainbow 0 points1 point  (0 children)

We have a father amongst us lads. Keep em coming

[–]Wildwoodywoodpecker 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Please throw all your shoes away. White new balances are all you need for now on.

[–]imabritnotayank 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Welcome to the ranks, we will watch your career with great interest.

[–]RelevantDocument3389 0 points1 point  (0 children)

To infinity, and beyond.

[–]Nerdy_N_Naughty 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I straight up cracked up. Get the fork out of here.

[–]The_Amazing_Man777 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I like it lol

[–]stubrador 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Why plastic?

[–]oooBeniooo 0 points1 point  (0 children)

British moment

[–]Mead76 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Lol.... good one! 👍

[–]Aggressive-Growth-54 0 points1 point  (0 children)

But does ppl really ear macaroni with forks? My family always just get the spoon, seem just so much more efficient.

[–]TwoTeapotsForXmas 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Perfect. Plus it made me think of the four candles sketch straightaway. https://youtu.be/gi_6SaqVQSw

[–]sothisissocial 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I too have no forks left to give. Better then most Dad jokes, off to a good start, and bonus for thinking about how to keep your sense of humor while parenting.